Sexual abuse and rape can be the making, not the breaking of you | Lydia Ward | TEDxLeamingtonSpa

good afternoon everybody sexual abuse and rape remains one of the most socially awkward topics of conversation it is a sad awful and devastating fact that impacts on the lives of women of men of girls and of boys and no matter how much we wish it didn't exist sexual abuse and rape happens but what if I told you that being sexually abused whilst almost being the breaking of me was in fact the making of me the people that taught me how to make this change are safe line a wonderfully caring and passionate charity set up 21 years ago to help any and all survivors of sexual abuse or rape no matter who they are where they are how old they are or how long ago the abuse happened now I could stand here and wax lyrical to you all day about why and how we could all be supporting safeline and we should but today I actually want to use this opportunity to talk to you about the reality of sexual abuse about what happens to how you see yourself when it happens to you about how it truly can be the making and not the breaking of you and how we all together can open up the conversation and help reduce the taboo that affects so many people in order to do this I'm and open up this conversation I want to share with you first of all a few myths that are surrounding sexual abuse and rape myth number one is that sexual abuse happens to children in lower socioeconomic classes myth number two is that sexual abuse is carried out by strangers myth number three people who don't say anything at the time must be lying when they make accusations years later and myth number four if you were sexually abused or raped you will remain a victim for the rest of your life and a little piece of you will forever be broken in order to tell you about these four myths I'm going to share with you my story I was three years old when I was first sexually abused I grew up in a affluent middle-class area I had and still have loving parents an older brother and friends to play with down the street where I grew up all in all from the outside my life looked pretty idyllic I wasn't spoiled but I didn't go without I certainly wasn't neglected I wasn't starved I wasn't in poverty and I wasn't dirty but from the age of three I had a secret a secret that I didn't understand it wasn't a secret that would make me smile or make me feel happy it was a secret that would make me feel sad and confused it was a secret that I couldn't share because we don't share secrets we keep them that's why they're secrets as a young lively adventurous little girl I was being sexually abused this went on for a period of four years so between the ages of 3 & 7 I was periodically left with a family friend someone that my parents believed was trustworthy and loved me in the same way that they did and when I was left with this person we would play and then they would suggest that we go to my secret place and they would abuse me afterwards they would take me out to one of the local cake shops and buy me a cake and so I'd feel even more confused about why this person treated me so nicely and yet did things to me that I just I didn't understand and I didn't like and somehow I knew they weren't right when I was 7 years old I told my mum that I didn't want to be left with this person anymore I said I'd rather go out with them and go around the shops despite being asked why I never said because it was a secret so I didn't know what to say at the age of seven I was no longer left with this person and so my abuser lost his opportunity to keep abusing me I felt safe for the first time in my life and so we can all breathe a sigh of relief because the worst bit is over however what happened to me happens to many people who have been abused because unfortunately this wasn't the only time it happened when I was 12 years old I went to stay with some very close and familiar family friends one night I went to bed and one of my adult carers came up to say goodnight to me as they had done many other times only on this occasion they got onto the bed with me and we talked them and then they said let's go to your secret place I froze my brain was flooded with thoughts of knowing what was about to happen even though this was a completely different person I knew what was about to happen the next day I completely avoided my abuser I stayed glued to the other carer who was looking after me and when my parents came to pick me up I said nothing because it was a secret and we don't share secrets I then just sort of carried on with life unable to deal with and understand what had happened to me I just tried to forge on through life at the age of 16 one of the abusers died and I started to have flashbacks I was absolutely horrified by the thoughts that I was having and disgusted with myself of thinking about somebody who had just died in this way so I said nothing and I tried to just forget everything that I'd remembered and so the slow subtle depression began when I was 22 the second abuser died very suddenly and very unexpectedly he was still a very much beloved member of the family somebody that I had to continue to have very regular contact with because nobody knew what had happened I was thrown alongside my family into a state of mourning and so again the depression continued by my late 20s I had a very successful corporate career but the years of denial the years of trying to shut out everything that had happened to me the years of carrying these secrets with me were beginning to take their toll and the cracks began to show I was in a promising relationship at home and I had this great career and I couldn't hold it together the slightest thing going wrong at work caused a disproportionate emotional response in me and so I finally came to a place where I realized this is it you either seek professional help or you're going to go under it was make or break now I consider myself lucky because I found safeline and I chose the former it was at this point as I entered my 30s that my long and complicated journey into survivor hood began and I honestly stand here today and say it only began because of the support I received from safeline but what is survivor hood and what is it that happens to you when you've been sexually abused or raped the first thing that happens to you is fear and isolation fear that you are going to have to carry this secret with you for the rest of your life and it's going to kill you fear that if you ever speak out no one's going to believe you and isolation because you are so alone you feel broken and you feel used and quite commonly people feel that they are somehow to blame so you walk around carrying a burden of shame and guilt about something that you actually had no choice in whatsoever if we move then to how does this become survivor hood survivor hood only happens because you choose it I had to want to be a survivor I had to make that choice I had to have the courage to say for the first time ever this is what happened to me I promise you the first time I said that the first time I sat in a room with another individual and said I think I was sexually abused I honestly thought those words would overwhelm me but they didn't so I said it again and I said it again and I said it again and in doing that what happens is you begin to take back control because you're not hanging on to the secret anymore because the minute you tell somebody else it's not a secret so you break the spell I had to learn that it was okay to speak up and speak out it's not easy in fact it's the hardest thing that I ever had to do in my life but in doing it I learned to embrace my vulnerability I learned that actually what I thought was my weakest spot is actually my source of all my power and strength the whole process of survivor hood is about learning to take back the power that was taken from you because who you were meant to be before you were sexually abused or raped is the person you're fighting to get back to and for me it was that gorgeous little girl in those fantastic sunglasses if somebody discloses to you if somebody wants to share their story with you the one thing I would ask you to do for them is listen you don't need to say anything this is not about finding the right words or making it better for them understand that the greatest gifts you can give them is to listen because what they want to do and what they need is to hear themselves say the words of what happened to them so please don't be afraid of the topic of conversation of sexual abuse and rape listening is the greatest gift all we want as survivors is to be listened to and be believed so that brings me back to our myths myth number one sexual abuse happens to children in lower socioeconomic classes not true abusers do not care about your social standing wealth is no deterrent to this impacting anywhere so much so that it happens to one in four women and one in six men that's eight million women and five million men in the UK alone and these are the reported numbers so you can imagine that these are probably quite a low threshold number two sexual abuse is carried out by strangers not true sexual abuse is generally carried out by people who are well known to the victims they are people in a role of authority and people that are well known to the children and if they are not in that position at the moment they will get themselves into that position myth number three people who don't say anything at the time must be lying when they make accusations years later not true your brain is designed to protect you if it will do you harm to remember something before you are ready to and before you are able to cope with it your brain will keep it from you in addition to that there are also two other reasons that people don't speak up one is that they still have family friends or other connections back to the abuser or two more commonly there are enormous misplaced feelings of guilt and blame that somehow they played a role in this happening a myth number four if you were sexually abused or raped you will remain a victim for the rest of your life and a little piece of you will forever be broken not true as I stand before you today I hope that you see that I walk my talk sexual abuse and rape is not your identity it is not the definition of you you have a choice as an adult I made that choice to change my future and stop living in a past that made me feel broken inside it has not been an easy journey I have cried I have raged and I have broken my heart multiple times with all different sorts of grief as I have tried to heal myself and recapture what got taken from me so it's a grueling journey but it is worth every single step because as I stand before you today I am stronger and more powerful than my abusers this really is an opportunity for us all sexual abuse and rape can be the making not the breaking of you and what I ask everyone in this room to do is no longer feel afraid of this topic of conversation we have nothing to hide and we have everything to gain we can talk about it we can hear about it and we can listen to what other people have experienced and if you do nothing else today then I ask you to help me continue to support the great work that safeline do so that we can help more people and do the work for you even if you don't feel ready to do it yet yourself and to anybody who has been affected please know that safeline are there to help you as and when you need them they are the charity that caught me when I thought I was about to fall and so today I want to repay that to them and get their message out to all of you so please help me open up this conversation and break down the taboo that surrounds sexual abuse and rape and in this way together we can all be a part of the solution thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 242,645

Rating: 4.9158926 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United Kingdom, Life, Childhood, Motivation, Nonprofit, Personal growth, Recovery, Sexual Assault

Id: ehTtJRHlk-0

Length: 22min 23sec (1343 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 27 2017