Saying Goodbye to Your Roots in 'The Farewell'

i love you nanai a lot for you i love for you there's something about grandmas and movies that can make us uncontrollably emotional maybe it's because they represent our familial roots or maybe it's because their age makes us hyper aware of our loved one's mortality we're reminded to appreciate them while they're still here and if they're already gone these films prompt our fond memories of growing up pampered with their affection and prodded with their well-meaning criticisms with the recent release of minari i wanted to touch on another a24 film with a somewhat similar premise that struck a particularly deep emotional chord with me the farewell is a story about grief and loss but it also speaks to the struggles many americans grapple with regarding the ever-growing disconnect with our cultural identities for many immigrants and children of immigrants the balance between the way of life where our family came from and where we are now can be difficult to navigate and while there are universal themes everyone can relate to one of the aspects i respect about the film is how it doesn't try to be accessible or more palatable to american film standards a certain superficial quality that hollywood typically imposes on stories about immigrants it's a story that takes place in china featuring chinese people primarily speaking mandarin and yet the movie doesn't feel like a foreign film because it isn't despite what the golden globes would have you believe it's an american film telling a profoundly relatable american story in this essay i want to delve into how the film not only deals with the grief of potentially losing a loved one but the complicated grief of feeling lost between cultures and what it means to be asian american the farewell a 2019 film written and directed by lulu wong tells the true story of a family collectively deciding to keep a vital secret the matriarch of the family ninai has fallen ill with terminal cancer and they decide it's best for her not to know about it there's nothing they can do so everyone decides it's better not to tell her i just wanted to mention that the actress who plays nine eye is like the sweetest looking grandma ever and i want to show you this picture for being really thrilled to meet leonardo dicaprio anyway the film follows nianai's beloved granddaughter billy an american character played by aquafina while visiting one night billy soon prized the news about her grandmother from her reluctant parents just tell me what's going on when that is dying the whole family had planned a fake wedding as an excuse for everyone to travel to shangshun and spend time with ninai one last time i need to go billy i need to go everyone thinks better if you don't look at you you can't hide your emotions obviously billy goes against her family's wishes and travels to china to see her grandmother while she struggles with the ethics of her lying to her regardless of his normalization and their culture lying is an integral aspect of the film as his chinese titles literally don't tell her as the opening credits indicate the story is based on an actual lie first detailed by wong in an episode of this american life when my grandmother was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer she was given three months to live she was 80 years old and my family for reasons i'll get into in a minute decided not to tell her i was totally against this in interviews about her personal story in the film she elaborates on her feelings regarding the family's lie i was driven to make the film by the juxtaposition of um love and joy with grief and being angry with my family but on some level understanding it at the same time and just having a lot of questions and not having any answers for them obviously from an american standpoint it seems unfathomable and unethical to withhold such dire information from someone it's also usually illegal how do you say illegal waiver time people western culture reflecting an individualistic perspective dictates that ninai is entitled to know the truth about her own health this kind of lie is a common phenomenon in east asian culture generally rooted in valuing collectivism and social harmony many articles i came across regarding this practice described it as a different form of communication styles between cultures that it's more of an example of indirect communication rather than outright lying collectivism urges the importance of preserving the well-being of the community in this instance it's represented by the family choosing to hide nina's illness from her they justify their decision by explaining that they're protecting her by bearing her emotional burden sparing her from the pain of knowing she's dying but the film doesn't necessarily betray either side as right or wrong it's more of a moral dilemma billy must navigate as she tries to reconcile the differences between her cultural identities the people in my life i would talk to if i talked to my american friends would have the american answer and then my family they would have the chinese answer and so i just felt very torn i also wanted to mention that while researching collectivism and individualism for this video i mostly came across western interpretations of collectivism that generally disagreed with its principles favoring the more independent ideology [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] i think this speaks to the disconnect between the cultures and showcases the conflict second generation americans often have to deal with many children of immigrants must find a balance between two just opposing ways of life because it's not as simple as choosing which moral doctrine better aligns with your personal beliefs often as a turbulent balancing act of assimilating to the values of the country you live in while still trying to maintain your cultural and familial roots billy is the only family member who represents the american point of view in regards to the big lie as she constantly questions its ethics but even as she struggles to play along she spends much of the film hiding her own hardships from them so as not to worry them from the very opening of the film billy casually lies to nina these kind of lies are peppered throughout the film and ironically nine night conceals the severity of how unwell she feels in order to keep her family from worrying about her health these sort of little white lies are all too common for all of us we tell them because we don't want to burden the people around us with our problems even as something simple and commonplace as americans saying i'm fine when someone asks how are you can be argued as an example of this are you doing with money i'm fine can you afford this dress yes i'm fine you need help no fine but the film's big lie is interesting because it illustrates a scenario where everyone is telling one person alive to spare her from her own burden and take it on themselves this is something they clearly have a hard time with and witnessing this internal struggle in her family is likely a major reason why billy begins to empathize with their point of view this is most evident in billy's uncle who spends much of the film trying to convince her that the family's decision is the right thing to do but even he struggles with hiding his grief and holding on to the lie while he tells billy that she must let go of selfishly revealing the lie to ninai it becomes clear he's also reminding himself of this too if you've been watching from an american point of view you've probably been contemplating this moral question just as much as billy had it's weird to think of this kind of lies coming from a place of love but as the film progresses it prompts us to question our preconceived notions nintendo as you watch billy's family grieve quietly and try to make nina as happy as possible their actions begin to look more like a sacrifice than a betrayal this is emphasized by the fact 99 lied in the same way for her husband as he was dying with this knowledge it seems clear as though the family is doing what 9a would want them to do the question shifts from is this right or wrong to our good intentions more valuable than the truth and this is the point at which our outlook shifts as we're considering the issue from the cultural perspective rather than our own there's no ill will in their intentions they sacrifice their own peace of mind to allow nine night to live without the looming fear of her mortality chinese people have sane when people get cancer they die it's not the cancer that kills them it's the fear regardless of culture we tell little and sometimes big lies so our own issues don't have to become everyone's and while from the outside looking in the family's lie may seem immoral for me it was moving to see them care so much about the matriarch of their family and coming together to share an immense burden so she can live the rest of her days in peace isn't it wrong to lie i mean if it's for good it's not really a lie i mean it's still a lie it's a good lie although billy felt conflicted she gradually reached a point of mutual understanding in a scene where nine eye almost finds out the truth billy goes out of her way to stop it from happening so while at first she'd felt isolated in her grief in a strange way the lie helped her connect with her chinese family billy represents the most americanized character within three generations of a family grappling with the push and pull of immigrating to another country there are those who stay in their home country and often feel left behind those who move to a new country and learn to adapt and those who are raised in it and try to find a balance between the two sides there's a noteworthy dinner scene that particularly stuck with me after watching the film there are several cultural divides at play in this conversation but first i'll discuss billy's mom after nina's knee smugly appears to suggest that china is better than america in regards to reaching success billy's mom begins a heated discussion i think since the film centers on billion or cultural identity it can be easy to forget that hers isn't the only asian american story being explored billy's mother appeared to take offense to the implication that she and her husband had made the wrong decision for their family even having it pointed out to them that they'd left nine eye on our own along with billy's uncle whose family immigrated to japan her mom felt the need to defend her choice by calling attention to the other mom's hypocrisy as she'd soon be making the same sacrifice for her own son she also describes an instance many years ago when they just moved to america a pastor in the church upon discovering that billy's parents couldn't afford to continue her piano lessons after leaving china gives her parents the keys to the church this brings me to another point of the conversation one which particularly affects billy and perhaps even her cousin who was raised in japan what's wrong her mom's story about the pastor is a classic representation of the american dream as billy's parents revere the generosity of their neighbors but the story concludes with billy's admission that she hasn't followed through with her opportunity as i've mentioned before there are a lot of little lies scattered throughout the film one of the lies that caught my eye was billy hiding her rejection letter for a guggenheim fellowship so what's going on with the fellowship nothing well you still haven't heard anything no well what are you gonna let you know i don't know dad it illustrates the feeling children of immigrants commonly have about validating their parents sacrifices and maximizing their opportunities in america every parent fears with their child you know if they're gonna succeed or not but i think having this additional like pressure of like a you know where you feel like your family sacrificed everything for you and you somehow have to validate those sacrifices at times it could be difficult to stray away from more assured roads to success because of this desire to actualize the dreams of our parents but unlike what's portrayed in stories about excessively demanding parents many of us want to substantiate our parents sacrifices and reward them for providing such opportunities this is why billy shane isn't rooted in how she's dishonored her family with her failures but rather how she feels she's letting them down as there's a sense of guilt that comes from falling short of these high expectations for billy her failures aren't just her own they're also her families just as her parents aspirations aren't just theirs to uphold but hers as well what's that mean you said you're a stock investment and you're gonna make us a lot of money but i can't expect that from you right you're the losing stock often described as a melting pot american society is based on the idea of cultural integration as we ideally welcome immigrants and encourage them to assimilate but it can be difficult to blend into this new culture while they try to maintain a hold of their old one this difficulty is most apparent in their children as they grow up in an american culture while living in households with distinctly different values but unlike many films about immigrants billy isn't a foreigner struggling to fit in with a western society here it's the opposite while she still visibly bears chinese characteristics she's very much seen as an american in the eyes of her relatives it even reflects subconsciously in billy's own demeanor when she interacts with people in america she's confident and at ease oh what happened girl you got fired i quit so i was about to get fired while in china she comes off as timid and unsure of herself additionally it's isolating to be immersed in a culture that doesn't fully perceive you to be one of its members the feeling of otherness is always there while immigrants must often make an immense effort to fit in with their new home their children don't experience the same kind of difficulty because they were raised there joshua but the issue that arises for these children is a sense of inclusion that's just out of their grasp this is why the surge of more asian representation in american film and television the last few years has been quite meaningful for asian americans like myself and honestly it's validating see our stories being told because it affirms something very obvious that asian americans and more broadly minorities belong here and make up a large part of american culture these are deeply american stories regardless of the differences between them they're all brush strokes of a larger portrait many of us are familiar with but somehow that sense of feeling like an outsider never really goes away we're pulled between these identities as if they're dichotomous rather than blended and the deep rooted fear that comes with this perpetual balancing act is the notion that you won't be able to maintain it that you'll ultimately lose a part of your culture and in turn lose a part of yourself while the rest of billy's family view her western assimilation with dismissive judgment nina is the only person who seems to appreciate billy's diverging point of view one of the scenes that best captures this is when she jokingly brings up billy's love life you know that classic grand mal thing billy wonders why she needs to have a significant other at all while nina attested the importance of finding a partner who will take care of her but billy points out that nine eye seems to take care of her new husband more than he takes care of her accepts billy's cultural differences and even agrees with some of them for billy ninai represents the bridge to the chinese heritage she left behind even as billy felt physically and culturally distant from her home country she still felt connected to china through her relationship with her grandma this makes the knowledge of her cancer diagnosis even more tragic as on the surface billy is obviously grieving the eventual loss of her grandmother but as she agonizingly hangs on to the family's secret she's not just afraid of losing ninai she's afraid of losing what used to be such a significant and meaningful part of her life and then we just moved to the states everything was different everyone was gone in billy's eyes ninai's mortality raises a grim realization that without her she has no true link to her heritage i can personally relate to this experience of not truly feeling connected to one's cultural background as a second generation asian american i struggle to maintain a relationship with my own heritage while also noticing the decline in fluency of my native tongue often it can feel like the culture that helped mold us through our childhood slips away from us as we grow older and further lose our connection to our homelands our languages and even our families in this emotional confrontation billy reveals how our grandfather's death affected her and then yeah yeah died you didn't even tell me he was sick so it felt like he just vanished suddenly billy fondly holds on to her childhood memories in china specifically the ones with her grandparents and associates them with her chinese roots she clings on to ninai as the last pillar of her connection to china and feels as though this is her only chance to keep the connection alive so on billy's last day in china she confesses to wanting to stay and live with nine night revealing her fellowship application was rejected it's a powerful moment when 99 gently dismisses billy's offer and encourages her to live for herself and pursue what makes her truly happy it's a remarkable juxtaposition to the collectivist mentality of the rest of her family but it represents the closeness and love in their relationship it's intriguing how the film centers on this big lie that billy's family commits for the sake of social harmony yet nine-nine pushes billy to value herself and her well-being billy takes ninai's advice to heart before their very tearful goodbye and wonders if this is the last time she'll see her grandma there's something really special about our bonds with our grandparents maybe it's because they usually don't have to deal with us at our worst like our parents do but our grandparents often see the best in us they represent the roots of our family tree and feel like the source of immeasurable wisdom and warmth they're often the thread that keeps our families close knit and grounded in their heritage and from their all too honest remarks to their need to fetus they set the basis for how we remember our families i'll be honest i cried a lot in the theater when i first watched this film and i still can't get through the goodbye scene without crying i think about the memories from my childhood with my grandparents listening to their stories and cautionary tales learning about their adventures and the lessons they learned along the way i think we're all captivated by our grandparents stories because it widens our world view and places these real people we care about into the narratives of history making us better understand our interwoven presence in the world our grandparents provide us a comforting sense of guidance through their spirit and experience so i think what a lot of us were forced to contemplate after watching the film is the sadness of traversing life without that guidance and affection this movie taught me to like maybe confront something that i didn't want to confront which is losing my grandma you know it's a sorrowful moment that makes us consider the impermanence of our loved ones how would we feel if we knew this could be the last time we saw them how do we move forward while carrying their memories in our hearts and how will we carry on their traditions ninai is the string that holds billy's family together and as we established billy's perceived connection to china but as the film concludes billy recalls the breathing exercises nine i taught her the ones meant to release negative energy billy stops in the middle of a new york sidewalk pauses for a moment and ha thousands of miles away she comes to a realization your family your culture and your heritage are always a part of you and as billy releases the grief weighing her down she's able to let go of the anxiety of losing herself and the understanding that these pieces of her life will always be with her hey guys it's terence i'm curious to know what your experiences are with being an immigrant or being the second or even third generation in your country also i wanted to take a moment to mention the rising number of anti-asian hate crimes going on i put some resources in the description if you'd like to help out in some way thanks for watching peace

Channel: Quality Culture

Views: 259,244

Keywords: the farewell, the farewell analysis, the farewell essay, asian american, asian american movie, chinese american, a24 movie, a24 film, a24 the farewell, The farewell review, A24 review, not asian enough, not american enough, minari, a24 minari, asian representation, Minari analysis, The farewell reaction, The farewell breakdown, Awkwafina, The farewell explained

Id: aK1oXZ-jCZQ

Length: 24min 12sec (1452 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 25 2021