Asuna: That’s it! That’s how we’ll beat him! "Sheeptar: The Sheep King", your reign is at an end. Ballsdeep69: If that thing hadn’t already killed seven of us, I’d say this was a really stupid boss. We’ll get just close enough to aggro him, then, our archers will kite him all the way to the village. Once he’s there, he’ll be too distracted killing NPCs to notice us. Then, we move in for the kill. Kirito: Whoa, whoa, whoa! We can’t just go around sacrificing NPCs! Kirito: Some of my best friends have been NPCs! That makes way too much sense. Gary: We must save my family! Ya see?! Some of them even have faaaaa... *Whispered* Gary... Kirito: 'Scuse me! I have to go say "hi" to an old friend. *Laughs* Won't be a minute. Kirito: Hey GARY! Long time no see! Gary: We must save my-- *Stab*
Gary: AHH! Kirito: Yeah! Bet you didn’t expect to see ME again, did ya’ punk?! Gary: WE MUST SAVE MY FAMILY!!! *Kirito repeatedly stabs Gary*
Kirito: You left us to die, you bastard! *Kirito repeatedly stabs Gary*
Gary: WE MUST SAVE MY FAMILY!!! Kirito: THIS IS FOR SACHI!
Gary: WE MUST SAVE MY FAMILY!!! *Kirito repeatedly stabs Gary*
Kirito: Choke on it! Choke on my vengeance! Kirito: How does it taste?! Gary: We must- AH! Gary: ...save my...
Balls: Yeah, you know what? Maybe he has a point. Gary: ...family-
Balls: Yeah, you know what? Maybe he has a point. *Kirito laughs psychotically as he stabs Gary repeatedly*
Balls: Yeah, you know what? Maybe he has a point. *Kirito laughs psychotically as he stabs Gary repeatedly*
Balls: This is super uncomfortable. *Kirito laughs psychotically as he stabs Gary repeatedly* ♪ To the Right! ♪ ♪ To the Left! ♪ ♪ We will Fight ♪ ♪ To the Death! ♪ ♪ To the Edge ♪ ♪ Of the Earth! ♪ ♪ It's a Brave new world ♪ ♪ It's a Brave New World ♪ ♪ It's a BRAVE ♪ ♪ NEW ♪ ♪ WOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLDDDDDDD ♪ ♪ Woah ey oh ey oh oh! ♪
♪ WOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLDDDDDDD ♪ ♪ Brave new Wooooooooorrrrrllllllldddddd! ♪ Asuna: Sooooo... how’s your day goin'? You’re looking pretty relaxed there, buddy. Stoned Kirito: Ah, pretty good. This grass feels amazing. Asuna: Cool, cool. You, uh... you wanna know what I did today? Not particularly, but I suspect that wasn't a real question- Asuna: I WAS FIGHTING GOD DAMN SHEEPTAR! It was great! You should've been there! He was climbing the walls, spitting acid... We're still talking about a sheep, right? Not, like, a... fluffy Xenomorph? Asuna: It's a really stupid boss! Stoned Kirito: Apparently not that stupid if it killed seven of you. Twelve now, *sighs* actually... Oh, well, that’s a thing. But, I mean, you survived. So hey, silver lining. Okay, what the hell is wrong with you?! You’re way too… mellow. Well, I had some time to kill before the raid, so I figured I’d power level my Alchemy a bit by eating some weird plants, and now everything’s… just great... Oh... my... god! I can’t BELIEVE this! You’re the one that insisted we couldn’t use the NPCs as bait! Asuna: And then you go and- Stoned Kirito: Asuna, Asuna, Asuna. Look, okay? I get it. You had a really bad day, you’re stressed out, seven people died. TWELVE PEOPLE! Not the point. Stoned Kirito: Look, they’re dead now. And really? Whose fault is that? YOURS! That’s right. No ones. So why don’t you lie down, relax, and watch the stars with me? Asuna: It’s two in the afternoon! There are no stars! Only if you’re looking with your eyes. Asuna: What the hell does that mean?! Stoned Kirito: Only one way to find out. Asuna: You better come down soon so I can kick your teeth in... *Kirito Groans* *Yawn* Kirito: *Inner monologue* Good nap. What the...? Asuna? What is she doing here? Dude-bro 1: Ah, looks like someone’s having a good time! Dude-bro 2: A boy becomes a man. Dude-bro 3: Heheh. Come on guys. Let’s give them some privacy. Kritio: *Inner monologue* Huh, those dude-bros make an interesting point. There's an... above average girl sleeping next to me, and no one around to interrupt. Kirito: *Inner monologue* I mean, as a man, there’s really only one option here. *Chuckles menacingly* *Asuna yawns* *Asuna groans* *Gasps* Kirito: *Satisfied* Hey, sleepy head. How was your- AH! Tell me what you did RIGHT NOW, and you may live! Kirito: *Scared* I drew whiskers on your face! Asuna: What? Kirito: I drew cat whiskers on you because I thought it would be funny, and it was! Asuna: Is... Is that all? Um, yeah? You were asleep. What else would I have done? *Asuna stammers incoherently* Well... *More stammering* I... *Even more stammering* I-I mean... *Stammering and awkward giggle* Asuna: You know...! *Stammering refuses to stop* You- you could've... like... *Defeated stammer* You wanna get something to eat? Kirito: Ah, Restaurant. The finest cuisine in all of Aincrad. Asuna: Oh my god! Are you really going to complain about a free meal? *Sigh* Serves me right for trying to do something nice for you. Kirito: Yeah, remind me to draw on your face more often. I’ll eat like a king. Or at least a very wealthy janitor. *Asuna scoffs* This coming from the guy who ate random plants off the ground? Oh really? Well, who's dumber? Me, or the one who takes a nap next to some crazed drug fiend? Need I remind you that YOU were that drug fiend? Pfft, I can't be held responsible for Stoned Kirito. That guy's an idiot. Are you KIDDING me?! You're the same person! *Girl screams* Kirito: Oh, looks like we are out of time! We’ll have to continue this next week, but in the mean time, please enjoy these lovely consolation prizes from the Kirito is Always Right Foundation! Asuna: Oh my god, you're insufferable. Oh my god! Kirito: Huh, look... A human piñata... Asuna: Kirito, he's dying! Kirito: Uh, correction: he's suffering. The town's a safe zone. Probably hurts like a bitch, but he's not gonna die in here. Sir Suffers-A-Lot: Help... me... Kirito: Hey man! When you pop, could you try to send the candy over this way?! Asuna: *Sighs* I'm gonna go cut him down, you jackass. Kirito: I'll save you a KitKat. Hey, anybody got like a thirty-foot stick? I wanna take a crack at this thing. Sir Suffers-A-Lot: Please... help... Oh, don't be such a drama queen. Kirito: Asuna's gonna have you down any- *Death SFX* *Clank* Kirito: Huh... So did anyone see where the candy went, or...? Asuna: For christ’s sake, Kirito! A man just died! Let it go! Once again, Asuna, you can't die in a safe zone! Kirito: It must have been an event or a prank! Someone messing with an NPC! Asuna: Oh, yeah! That's a real hilarious prank! Kirito: I know, right? I'm kinda sad *I* didn't think of it. Yolko: Um, excuse me. My name is Yolko. I... knew the man who just died. Kirito: Heheh... You, uh... You mean NPC... right? Yolko: N-No! His name was Kains. We came into town to have dinner, but we got separated... and then... Oh god! *Crying* Asuna: So... "The Kirito is Always Right Foundation"? We're, uh, going through a bit of a rough patch. *Yolko still crying* Yolko: Thank you for walking me to my hotel. I don’t really feel safe walking alone right now. Asuna: It’s no trouble. But we’d like to ask you some more questions tomorrow, if that's all right. Of course. Kirito: Yeah, and don’t worry. No one could possibly get to you in here, since we’re in a safe... zone... Kirito ♪ Good night...! ♪ Asuna: Smooth. Kirito: Alright. Let’s review. Kirito: We heard a scream, ran outside, and saw the victim, hung by the neck, with a sword through his chest. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this took place in the town square during the dinner rush. Someone wanted this to be seen. Asuna: Ah, yes... But that just raises a bigger question. Kirito: Oh? And what's that? Why do you even CARE?! I’m sorry. Are you asking me why I care that a man was killed? No, I'm asking why YOU care that a man was killed! Kirito: Forgive me, but I don't follow. Well, let’s see. Most people would, charitably, refer to you as the crown prince of douchebags, long may he reign. Your usual reaction to human suffering is to pull up a chair and crack out the popcorn! What's your angle?! Kirito: Asuna! I am shocked and appalled that that is your opinion of me! All I want is to see justice served, and to bring that poor girl some closure. Really? You care that much, huh? What's her name? I'm sorry, what? The girl's name. What... was it? Well, um, y-you know, it, um... stuh... da... starts with an "A"... "Y". Right, “Y”, of course! That's close. I mean, they're basically neighbors. *Laughing* You can understand my mistake. Of course. It's uh... Yo... Yo... Yo... Ya... Yooooooga Pants? Yolko! Okay, fine! God! I just wanna prove I was right! There’s no way that guy’s really dead! There’s something else going on here, and I’m gonna prove it. Asuna: Wow, how noble of you. Oh, spare me, Wonder Woman. You’re only doing this to prove I was wrong! Hey! At least I PRETEND to be nice to people! Yeah, whatever, uh- Wait, "pretend"? Kirito: Hey, Thunder Lion! How’s it hanging? Kirito? Tiffany: Well, if it isn't my least favourite customer. Kirito: Aw, you just say that because I’m not dumb enough to buy any of your crap. Tiffany: Yeah, well, if there’s one upside to being trapped with these idiots, it’s that they’ll buy pretty much anything. *Gasp* Kirito: AH! What’s the matter with you?! Why would you bring her here?! I thought we were friends! Kirito: What?! I don’t understand?! What’s the problem?! *Awkwardly* Hey, T-dawg. What is up in dis... hizouse...? *Kirito quietly crying tears of joy* Tiffany: Are you crying?! Kirito: *Sniff* There's just so much beauty in the world, you know?! Asuna: So dat’s da sitch. Think ya can scope da deets on dis gat for us, homey? Tiffany: Sure thing, Kirito. Anything for a friend. Asuna: Um, but I’m da one dat asked you, Chocolate Rain. Asuna: T-Pain? Asuna: Why you ignoring me, bro? You got cotton in your ears? OH GOD! I-I didn’t mean it like that! Kirito: I’m really sorry, Tiff. Grand Wizard Asuna here’s not what you'd call a "people person". Asuna: Um, excuse me?! Mr. Kettle? Mr. Pot called. HE SAYS YOU'RE BLAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... ck. Tiffany: What? It’s a turn of phrase. It has nothing to do with race. Asuna: I’m sorry! It’s just, you look like a very angry black man. Okay, now you see dat? DAT was racist. Ah, this is great. See? We’re learning stuff. But in all seriousness, Tiff. Could you check out this weapon before Asuna starts a full-on race war? Tiffany: I’ll try. But appraising a weapon like this ain’t gonna be easy. Kirito: *Sarcastically* Wow. I can see you’ve really mastered your craft. Tiffany: Hmm, “Guilty Thorn”. Says it’s player-made. Guy by the name of Grimlock. Other than that, nothing weird about it. Certainly nothing that’d let you kill in a safe zone. Kirito: Hmm... Well, only one way to be sure. Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing?! Kirito: Well, clearly, I’m stabbing myself with this sword to see if it kills me- Oh god, what AM I doing? Asuna: This things too dangerous for you to screw around with! Kirito: Hey!
Asuna: This things too dangerous for you to screw around with! Asuna: This things too dangerous for you to screw around with! Here, T-Fizzle, YOU take it. Tiffany: Ah, handin' the black man a murder weapon. Tale as old as time. Kirito: Oh, wow. Restaurant. I haven't been here in... hours! Glad to see the old place hasn't changed. Asuna: Do you really hate this place that much, or do you just love the sound your own voice? Kirito: It's my gift to the world. Asuna: Hate to break it to you sweetie, but the world wants a gift receipt. Kirito: No refunds or exchanges. Only store credit. Yolko: Uh, I’m sorry. D-Didn’t you want to ask me some questions? Kirito: Shhhhh. The grown-ups are talking. Asuna: Kirito! Asuna: *Sighs* I'm sorry, Yolko, but have you ever heard of a player named... Grimlock? *Gasp* Kirito: Well, that seems pretty definitive. So, how do you know this guy? According to our investigation, he’s the one who forged the sword that was used in the... incident. Asuna: Murder. Kirito: Really? Then show me the body! Asuna: There IS no body! Kirito: I rest my case. Asuna: It's SAO! There's NEVER a body! Kirito: Well, isn't that convenient? Yolko: C-can I just jump back in here? Kirito: Yes, please! Maybe you can clear this up. Was there any reason Kains would’ve wanted to... fake his death? Yolko: *Panicked* What?! F-Fake his death? You mean... *Slightly scared* Kains isn't dead? Asuna: No, of course he’s dead. Oh. Uh... right. Kirito: Now Asuna, you can’t prove that he’s dead. Let me give this poor girl some hope. Asuna: Oh, don't even PRETEND that's what you're doing! Kirito: *Groans* Fine Asuna. I’ll humor you. Yolko, why would Grimlock have wanted to make sweet love to your friend’s chest with the business end of a broadsword? Asuna: Jesus Christ, Kirito! Kirito: What? I asked her! Jeez, I just can’t win with you. Yolko: Um... well... It might have had something to do with his wife’s murder. Yolko: Six months ago, the guild that Kains, Grimlock, and I were part of found an extremely valuable item. Rather than fight over it, we decided to sell it and split the profits. But when Grimlock's wife Griselda went out to make the sale, she was killed. Since we were the only ones who knew about the item, we realized the killer had to be one of us, and the guild just... fell apart. Asuna: Well, that sounds like motive to me. Kirito: Meh, I've killed for less. Asuna: But why would Grimlock have suspected Kains Yolko: Well, when I said we decided to sell the item, it wasn’t exactly unanimous. Kains, I, and another player voted to keep it. *Barely hidden disdain* A lancer named Schmitt. Asuna: Sounds like you're not a fan. Yolko: What? No! We’re still good friends, actually. Kirito: Schmitt, Schmitt. Why does that name sound familiar? Yolko: You know him? I think so- OH GOD, NO!!! Schmitt: I knew it! They’re finally coming for me! It was only a matter of time! The walls are closing in! Asuna: Is he always like this? Only when he's stressed. Asuna: *Sigh* Well that's a relief- Kirito: He's always stressed. Asuna: Goddammit! He used to review games back in the real world, but ever since he got trapped in here, he’s been terrified that his more... “verbose” commenters are going to make good on their threats. Schmitt: I used to laugh at their comments. You hear me?! LAUGH! But now?! What if they actually DO chop off my limbs, rip out my intestines, and ride me like some sort of meat toboggan?! Kirito: Ya hear that, Asuna? "Meat Toboggan". Try gettin' THAT image out of your head. Grippin' his entrails like the reins of Santa’s sleigh. Streaking through the fresh morning snow on a trail of bile and gore, as his eyes beg the same question as the horrified children in his wake. *Whispered* "Why...?" Schmitt: OH GOD! Asuna: Would you just shut up and let her handle this?! Asuna: Go on, Yolko. Yolko: Calm down. No one’s going to kill you over your reviews, Schmitt. Really? Are you sure? My viewers... aren't coming for me? That’s right. But Grimlock is. *Afraid* And he’s coming to deliver righteous vengeance upon us. *Shudders* Asuna: This... may have been a mistake. Kirito: I disagree. I think you’ve got a real flair for this. Asuna: That's not helping! Yolko: Wait, no. That can’t be it. Kains was killed in a safe zone. Grimlock couldn’t be the killer. Kirito: Thank you! Finally, a voice of reason. IT MUST'VE BEEN GRISELDA'S GHOST!!! SHE'S RETURNED FROM BEYOND THE VEIL OF DEATH TO WREAK BLOODY VENGEANCE UPON US ALL!!!!!!! Kirito: Did I say "reason"? Sorry, I meant the screaming monkeys that live in her brain. Yolko: It's all our fault. We should've just done whatever Griselda wanted. There's no stopping her judgement now... And you’re okay with this?! I don’t know about you, but I have a duty to my fans to survive this game! I mean, to the ones who AREN'T threatening to use my spine as a pitching wedge! Asuna: Settle down you two! I think we can safely assume a ghost is not the culprit here! Right, Kirito? Kirito: Of course not. Obviously, it was a hit by the Mermaid Mafia payed in Leprechaun gold! But who was the puppet master? The Unicorns? No, they’ve had a feud going with the Mermaids for years... Asuna: Damn it, Kirito! This is serious! These people’s lives are in danger! Kirito: No, they’re not! For the last time! You can’t die in a safe zone! *Stab*
*Yolko Gasps* Asuna: Yolko! *Death SFX* *Clattering* Asuna: Kirito, is she okay?! Kirito: Weeelllllll, I’m not a doctor... but I don’t like her chances.
