r/StoriesAboutKevin - His GF was the WORST...

what's up guys welcome to daily dose of reddit this is your host zach and today's subreddit is our slash stories about kevin this story is called kevin's come in all sizes back when i was in grade school one of my classmates was a kevin now you might say that that would be normal for someone in that age not to be very smart but what he did clearly shows that he had no comprehension of basic human behavior he did a lot of small stupid things but there was one incident that solidified him as a kevin in my book but i think to get a better understanding of the level of kevin we're dealing with i should tell you of some minor incidents first kevin once ripped the sink off the wall in the school's bathroom the bathroom was closed for close to five months when they finally opened back up again they had forgotten to install the doorknob so we couldn't even enter it for another three not kevin's fault probably kevin once got stuck in a tree during first period he couldn't get down again so the janitor had to get the latter he then went to class for the 10 minutes that were remaining he didn't come back for second period because he had gotten stuck up in the same tree again apparently it was because it wasn't that high i bet i could get down this time kevin once got a perfect zero on a standardized test i don't know if he knew what he was doing or not that was impressive he once hit another kid with a pair of bongos during p.e kevin once refused to do push-ups so the teacher busted out the good old geneva conventions breaking collective punishment for every time kevin refused to do push-ups everyone else had to do that i don't know if kevin was just bad at body language or towards the end bad at verbal language but we had to do something like 70 push-ups total while kevin got off without breaking a sweat people were not very fond of him for the days after kevin and his friends once decided that the best idea would be to play basketball inside of the classroom with a pair of scissors don't ask me how but the kevin gang managed to completely wreck the classroom and the scissor ball match only ended when one of the burlier kevins managed to launch the scissors so deep within the drywall they couldn't get it back out kevin once tripped the fire alarm five times in the span of two hours during camp the kevins decided that it would be a genius idea to have a water balloon fight in their room all their stuff got wet the next day i saw them gearing up for round two before the teachers eventually confiscated the rubber gloves they had been filling with the water kevin didn't know the alphabet and he didn't know what sound the letter p made kevin prided himself with being the fastest at math he was not good at it he could barely multiply but damn was he fast he was so proud when he turned in that paper and got back a big fat zero he didn't care as long as he turned in that paper filled with answers that weren't even remotely close the fastest all of this might sound like brain farts ranging on a scale from minor to major but nothing beats the sheer stupidity this kevin once managed to perform now sit back and behold sheer stupidity during english class we had to do a book report we could choose any book we wanted as long as it was more than 150 pages long kevin may god have mercy on his stupid ass didn't know what to write about so he went about the classroom looking over the shoulders of every student for inspiration finally he came to a halt and his eyes fell upon my report i had decided to write about harry potter and the deathly hallows seeing as i had just finished it the day prior kevin's jaw dropped to the floor you can't write about that he screamed that's a movie not a book i turn to him and explain many movies are based on books i'm doing the report on the book not the movie i gesture to the book that laid upon the table in front of me kevin now more confused than ever shouted no you're not there's no way you could have read that book that quickly if you can make a book report on a movie so can i i think you can see where this is going the day had finally come students lining up single filed to turn in their book reports i turned in my book report my eyes searching for kevin's i wanted to see how it turned out i found it quickly and i couldn't help but laugh laugh and be frustrated at kevin's stupidity you see this man whose iq was clearly lower than his number of chromosomes this deflated balloon of a child who had stored away knowledge about sports instead of basic logic this bundle of sheer stupidity had turned in a report on sam raimi's spider-man 2 and he hadn't even written a report all he had turned in was a badly traced picture of the dvd cover it seemed like he had tried coloring the drawing in with crayons but stopped when he realized that spider-man's eyes are indeed not red but white this might not sound that bad but when you consider that he'd had those two weeks to think this through and that he then decided that this would be the best course of action infuriates me thank you for coming to my ted talk sorry if i've made any spelling mistakes english is my second you know what given spider-man 2 status as one of the greatest films of all time no contest oh sidenote believe me i am beyond ecstatic about the the prospect of sam raimi directing another marvel movie because then there's the possibility of the multiverse thing happening with andrew garfield and toby maguire coming back with tom holland and it's going to be this huge interdimensional spider-man movie it's going to be so badass but i'll try to keep my hopes down but anyways um i think that you should pass him if he decided to choose sam raimi spider-man 2 because like i said amazing amazing movie but yeah that kevin's dumb as a freaking doorknob i seriously feel really bad for calling these people dumb and and all that stuff because honestly there might be some underlying cause to this unreasonable amount of stupidity going on here i try to give these stories the benefit of the doubt but some things you just can't ignore this story's called world of kavina a new saga begins ladies and gentlemen strap in for a ride what you are about to read is my everyday life pulled together into a few situations note that this is a daily occurrence the lack of intelligence in the stories below happens every day multiple times a day these stories feature me and my significant other now i love my s.o to death i do anything for her and vice versa but you know those videos of dogs or cats sticking their heads into plastic bags and then being confused as to why their world is gone now they're cute and all but you can't help but think that's stupid as hell why would it do that of course sometimes mistakes can be made trial and error is a working concept but the integral part for that to work is the part where one learns from their mistakes my significant other doesn't get that part starting off mildly this story takes place at a train station me and significant other are waiting for the train with a few minutes remaining and suddenly she says she needs to pee nothing out of the ordinary many times we have gone out in five minutes after sleeping the house has she claimed that she needs to go this time though there's nowhere to go so i tell her to hold it until we're at our arrival destination and we'll find a bathroom there then comes the great question my significant other asks how come you never have to go to the bathroom when we're out now if you imagine this playing out my head like a game show i had a few options i could have claimed that i always go to the bathroom beforehand could have said that i've got a big bladder could have said that i avoid drinking a lot of water instead as my humorous brain activated i decided to go with well you've got a bladder inside your stomach being pushed from all sides guys store pee in their balls readers of this post words cannot explain the expression on her face it's as if a light bulb is bright as the sun itself lit itself above her head that makes so much sense she said with huge bewilderment she began explaining different scenarios in which that made sense that's like having two platters without any pressure on them i was laughing so hard my upper body was flailing back and forth for about five minutes i pondered whether i should tell her the truth but i figured that it's better for me to get flack for making her believe that rather than her at some point admitting that she as a 20 year old honestly believed that guys store pee in their balls of course the above might not be as telling as it should it might have been my ironic hard to discern whether i'm serious side that was talking so i chopped it off as me being a good salesman another night a few days after the pee in balls incident we're laying in bed watching funny clips in this particular clip you can see the couple move a lawn chair and they are scared of something a frog apparently and they run inside together with their pet as soon as they disappear you see the little dog run significant other says that's not a frog that's a chicken what what's not a frog and where's the damn chicken we paused the video and played it back and as i was still confused i asked what do you mean well it's obviously a chicken frogs aren't that big or hairy significant other says as she points to the dog running off the screen cue the repeat of laughter from the first story and through my fits of laughter i managed to tell her that wasn't neither a frog nor a chicken cat she said now we were watching this on a phone screen so of course that might have been the reason as to why she mistook the frog for a chicken and then a cat few months go by with smaller incidents that aren't worth mentioning to set up this next story a few days before this next brilliant moment i ordered a package that i was eagerly waiting for my significant other knew about this beforehand and it's not uncommon for us to tell the other to pick up packages for the other in case one of us is at work so this particular day a tuesday i go to work work come back home from work and get sad because i didn't get the package oh well significant other is on comms with her friend so she mutes that and talks to me for a bit asking me how my day went etc at one point in the conversation it goes like this hey are you off tomorrow yeah why i was just wondering in case my package shows up what aren't you off tomorrow why would i be i've got work to do what since when are you working on sundays what it's uh wednesday tomorrow what i thought today was saturday so where did you think i was all day i don't know redditers i'm sure you have all forgotten what day it is maybe not to this scale maybe worse so far if you're not convinced by these stories this next and last one won't fail you two days after the saturday incident i was at work when i received a good morning text from significant other nothing unusual we go about having the same conversation as every other day cue 20 minutes later after a brief pause from all the messages i get another message from significant other saying i'm so done with myself uh oh what happened this time i asked knowing that this can't be good i went to the bathroom i've been trying to flush the toilet for the past minute or so but i couldn't stop wondering why the light kept turning on and off at this point my last remaining brain cells have started a pit fight if this was one of my mates i would be 100 sure they were screwing with me but this was my covina i knew that she 100 stood in the bathroom flicking the light switch trying to flush the toilet for a solid minute or so before realizing her mistake my sanity is gone my brain cells have migrated and i'm starting to fear her community is going to spread to me oh boy um at least he's getting good parenting training at some point you should be concerned um i believe that point has been reached a long time ago and concern should have been set in like a long long time ago and you need i don't know some sort of diagnosis what the hell is wrong with her what this story is called my childhood best friend was a covenant been lurking on this sub for a while and it has brought back memories of my childhood best friend we were friends from kindergarten up until middle school when we had a falling out she lived down the street from me some examples of the stuff she did in third grade she had an interesting but also very scientifically incorrect theory she and one of her two older siblings have blonde hair her mom has red hair and her dad is blonde but was bald by then she told me that the reason that she was blonde was because her mom dyed her hair blonde one time in high school she said that it must have mutated her hair's dna what i told her that it was probably because her dad was blonde and she said that was impossible because she was a girl and her dad was a boy and her dad was bald covina supported this theory by explaining that both she and her sister were blonde but her brother had red hair which just further confused me i asked her mom if this was true because as kids we think adults are all knowing or at least i did and believe whatever they say her mom explained that's not how it works but kavina refused to believe her and told her you just don't understand because you aren't in science class in first grade we found a wrapped tampon in her mom's bathroom i thought it was a coin roll because i had gotten a piggy bank with a coin roll the week before and they looked very similar this is at least an understandable assumption but kavina somehow came to the conclusion that it was clearly a magical smarties american kind candy roll we didn't want to open it because her mom might have gotten mad we asked her mom and she told us that we can know when we are older so this clearly confirmed kavina's suspicion the next day at school she told everyone in the grade that she had a magical smarties candy she brought it into the school to prove it long story short covina's mom never again left a tampon out in the open third and final story i am able to remember she likes to play a game called house in house we would just pretend to be different family members she was the mom i was the oldest child and we would force my toddler brother to either be the youngest child or the dad whatever we were in the mood for one time we were playing house and my brother was acting as the dad it was bedtime in the game and since in the game she was married to my brother she decided that their love needed to be authentic her parents told her that in order to have kids a mom and dad have to do a special kiss that only adults can do so she told my little bro that they had to kiss he said no because he didn't want to really have a kid but she said was it how it worked because her parents told her that only adults could have kids either way my brother freaked out and ran away she screamed that they were divorcing and then told my parents that my brother refused to kiss her and that they need to talk some sense into him when my parents did nothing she plotted her revenge she ran in a circle around my house at least five times in 90 degree weather went back inside and shoved his favorite stuffed animal under her armpit to make it smell like b.o this was actually pretty smart revenge for a first grader so i'll give her that our slash kids are flawless and stupid may have been a better sub for this since it happened when we were young but i've heard she still does strange stuff like this i always felt kind of bad for her because she had undiagnosed learning disabilities adhd and dyslexia i think but her mom wouldn't take her to a doctor get her a tutor or have her put in extra classes because she wanted to keep up appearances i hope she's doing better now but just wanted to share the story don't forget to like subscribe and hit that bell to never miss an 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Channel: Daily Dose Of Reddit

Views: 3,102

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit funny, daily dose of reddit, daily dose of internet, daily dose of memes

Id: Th7mkeCqJS8

Length: 16min 39sec (999 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 29 2022