RiffTrax: Attack From Space (Full FREE Movie)

[Music] it's your lucky day it's time [Music] attack from space you'd think it admired a more dramatic font than a pta budget committee report cannon can fought a lot on this set [Music] tired of these snooty french films [Applause] [Music] this is one of those fancy screenplay having [Music] movies goodbye a little suppository have a good journey i guess after where it's going with at least two billion stars in our universe somewhere in deep space there are probably planets with civilizations built by living creatures probably from the distant sapphire galaxy a ferocious race of creatures have set out to conquer our universe probably beginning with the planet earth a nuclear war is imminent the results of which will poison even the distant reaches of outer space and planets such as this one the emerald planet take our word for it it's green as hell they are fierce fighters when it comes to defending and protecting their way of life the emerald maps in the market galaxy are essentially creatures of peace also dangerous in breeding they realize however that the sapirian's mad idea of conquest now threaten their very existence and drastic steps must be taken to prevent this dangerous act of aggression and threat to their silly costume-based economy emerald planet is now deciding what must be done he suggests a taffy pole yes represents their finest legions and their entire arsenal if this force can be destroyed before a nuclear war can begin then the universe will be safe that's what i get from this anyway they could just be ordering lunch the high council agrees that there is only one way the emerald man may be able to achieve this light calisthenics of the emerald planet have invented one of the most ingenious mechanisms the universe has ever seen oh called a globe meter it is carried on the wrist it enables the wearer to do three things okay to fly through space to detect radioactivity and to speak and understand every language on the planet earth the globe granter of modest amounts of needlessly specific superpowers in order to save earth from the invasion of the superiors he is the creature known as star man and he's waiting in the sky he'd like to come and meet us but he thinks he'd blow our minds ah prince lyrics huh you just guessed a guy who died this year didn't you mike did i get it right [Music] and now music from the hearts of attack from space nice [Music] well uh starman uh seems to have gone missing uh apologies ladies and gentlemen he may have been in an off-screen accident or i i i don't know frankly did anyone check his dressing room get on it because we just introduced the guy literally nothing is happening in our movie right now it's a big nothing but vague space junk all right what the hell oh wait wait there oh there he is your condom hat too tight man's globe meter warns him that he is nearing a suffering invasion ship laden with weapons of deadly radioactivity a floating fluorescence ring lamp distracted him for a second starman shape is weird i think he's wearing adult diapers oh the watch lets me fly in space but not breathe oh stupid oh henry twist starman realizes that the ship contains enough radioactive material to destroy earth within a few seconds he knows that even though he may be killed he must attack the ship how do i know this you ask uh i'm in a bowling league with star man he told me over a couple of beers at least he claimed to be starman lent him some money haven't seen him since but i'm pretty sure it was him despite the huge weight height and age differences in their looks so i'll be shouldn't have given to my credit card anyway that's how i know starman is now within several yards of their ship or within hundreds of miles hard to tell star man star man does whatever a star can can he hang forever in the sky yes he can it's no fun to watch hey so that spaceship's the size of a kiddie pool [Music] starman has healthy child-bearing hips makes a man a good wife oh they never studied shatner's method of pretending to get tossed around a ship or that would have been 300 hammier [Music] someone threw a charcoal brick at me [Music] he's getting lumpier by the second shower of fiery meteorites has forced starman to abandon his attack not his chronic incontinence that's a sick rumor and to learn who among the billions of earthlings is a traitor to mankind and is working with the superior he wisely decides to focus on france [Music] on earth at the four cap observatory a startling discovery is made the moon cannot hit your eye like a big pizza pie in the telescope the gp object lens has been smashed what the lens look what how'd you aim this at my wife's bathroom we won't be able to use it anymore true on an island 2 000 miles away in the yamanaka space laboratory where a spaceship to be used for peaceful purposes is being built another discovery is made and reported to dr yamanaka who is at home they can jelly eels now they blow up again how can that panel just explode like that furthermore i'll inspect it you can tell us army to continue examining every pot in japan it's a sign of status to hire children to fret at you i wonder why there are so many accidents there it's very suspicious and astronomical observatories are having trouble all over the world i'm scared hey you're a naval officer now girl show some courage you could be right but why would they try to destroy a work that's so peaceful i can't understand i can't either rioichi as far the ship nears completion there are more accidents i'll go to the laboratory now after that i'll go to the plant you can tell them at the plant to look over the ship all right please keep me updated as to your extremely boring schedule father [Music] here i come [Music] now the gary oldman as commissioner gordon look was huge in postwar japan there's free donuts hurry donuts stupid cheap radio shack gear assuming what happened oh doctor it looks as though the relays have failed then they burned that made the rectifiers and condensers all burn up the burning made things burn got it our super advanced space technology is once again chewed up by raccoons here's what caused it to burn or i don't see why those alloys shouldn't burn at all i wonder if there's a flaw in the metal that could have caused it doctor i hate when asami insults metals i suggest sending it to the company making it it's too risky there'll be some publicity our enemies mustn't learn of this with a ship like this i wouldn't trust them good idea gen corp is the most evil corporation in rutland vermont as men of science i'm certain you're aware that the value of this great ship we're building lies in its peaceful usage with it we can learn what lies beyond our solar system and yet the ship is dangerous enemies could use it against us oh why didn't we just start a toyota dealership and should that occur you know that we'd all be defenseless and the destruction could be terrible so we will have to continue working in secrecy for a time so not a word of our successes or failures must reach the outside world we'll say nothing until our ship is ready for flight then we'll brainstorm ways to charge passengers many infuriating fees on each flight yes an 18 seat belt buckling fee now we've got them yes exactly [Music] yes the damage can be repaired quickly oh we're so glad to hear it all you need will be a solenoid then for the rectifier panel hey thank you 13 year old girl a single solenoid in our inventory none at all they are not supposed to melt so we felt that we wouldn't be needing any for spares and therefore didn't order them okay well your ass is fired then mama's trimming the fact true yes then i'll ask papa to write a list for me let's go together we'll get the part here as soon as we can [Music] hurry sister today we are lucky we get to seek out and purchase a necessary industrial part another shipload of jimmy osmond albums reaches japan [Music] leave the island space laboratory and go to secure the precious part needed for the spaceship this excitement is what star wars failed to deliver by not showing luke picking up the power converters at toshi station those characters say don't tattoo us on your lower back you idiot [Music] can i help you here this is wrong a list a list of things i should jam up my hey sorry the gentleman who just left bought the last one we're completely out of stock i'm very sorry man or just let's what's as soon as you can get this part in again if you come back tomorrow i can assure you that we'll have some in stock spaceship solenoids damn things are flying out the door we can barely keep up [Music] it's peculiar that strange man took the whole supply just now isn't that suspicious certainly is let's train right or we could spend ten bucks and get a solenoid at another store [Laughter] [Music] yo taxi get over here [Music] [Laughter] kids always run into the middle of the busy street before hailing a cab driven by a total stranger [Music] the driving up the hill theme from the attack from space suite for strings and small orchestra [Music] uh spoiler this all ends in a vicious 10-minute gun battle oh really oh oh yeah it makes john wick look like mary poppins [Music] would you let me finish a thought [Music] okay now i'm paranoid that every time i've bought machine parts i've been followed by creepy little kids maybe i should have parked closer oh well wait a telephone pole not covered in posters for terrible bands this is science fiction hey should i bring the camera down to the actor just get footage from up there who cares oh there this is better isn't it why'd you walk down here do you know how much that's gonna cost us sorry cemetery dumps they're okay with that in japan right [Music] the self-serve burial industry never really took off did it the worst part of his sinister underground tomb is that he calls it his man cave oh it's nothing to worry about it's just torah johnson having a dinner party [Music] should we move the stone it's too dangerous instead i think we should call the police stay right where you are ah off camera things ah more off-camera things yeah offer us your condolences see tell us you're sorry for our loss and the gram grams in a better place got it get it we made too many pizza rolls you'd eat a couple of pizza rolls right man this place could use some art on the walls and a few throw rugs it's like a mausoleum [Music] oh david sedaris your rye wit always gets me chuckling politely why aren't you wearing a hat children you mustn't be afraid i'm certain your father will save you just as soon as you sit down and write him a letter come and write it you'd like to be rescued wouldn't you where do you see all the underwear and socks we leave strewn all over this joint you will want to be rescued believe me [Music] there you go oh i thought i was throwing you into a prison cell cause it's just another hallway sorry [Music] uh so uh first time being kidnapped or [Music] diana ross's reanimation chamber yep that's what it is all right [Music] you know where to take them uh actually it's my first day the pantry the break room the trail right right i should have guessed that [Music] at this same time on the island where the secret space laboratory and dr yamanaka's home are located uh sentence fragments sorry about that yes have the children return not yet sir apparently they've been delayed took a white-coated scientist to figure out that the children who were supposed to be home but aren't had been delayed just hope that they're all right asami how are preparations for the engine test proceeding ah i'll check it again later i think by morning you can test it engine went to hell can't test it doctor excuse me you have a visitor here at home but a secret here no one is supposed to know we are located here we've been well aware that you're here doctor it's right there on zillow you [ __ ] [Music] there was a flyer on your doorstep for a tree trimming service looked like a pretty good deal you you should probably check it out [Music] what i've spoken nothing but english why did she write it in this gibberish language unless you come please do what they ask and save us don't let this man get away you hear the summit call the police tell them to come to a secret location immediately i warn you not to resist us otherwise you won't see your children again we're after the engine of the ship you see we're agents of the sufferings who are going to attack the earth and what is the general area from which this assault will come would you say our planet must face a war and you are a spy i'd make you pay for all the harm that you've done doctor i know very well what i am and i'm content in the attack i won't die check the score on the next game okay where was i the superiors have already assured me of that fact come with us after the engine is installed you'll fly it the ship will be ready yeah the special effects used to create these aliens incredible i don't think these the aliens are those guys under the graveyard not aliens no no no just contract workers safirians made a couple calls rounded up some thugs with guns spread a little money around had them gather a large standing army in a secret structure underneath the graveyard which they did evidently sure makes sense cool air tight no tabashi don't take the engine plans i beg you what no not my leather-bound first edition of everyone poops now go ahead [Music] let's go but but going that speed racer's job [Music] here some of the world's top security forces hold an urgent meeting where the hell are our free bread stacks i assure you it is of grave importance the blueprints for the great spaceship engine was stolen a few hours ago but first how are you guys dr yamanaka is missing as well all of his work has been sabotaged have you learned who is responsible jerry who advised you to grow a beard no clues whatever keeping this situation secret is wrong i think we should let people in on it there might be some way that they can help thank you froggy from the little rascals sir you parked in the lobby can you move your car star man you see my dear sirs star man is outside he would like he said to address this meeting so they all know starman he's a guy that can just walk in on meetings so if he is then i propose that you'll ask him for his assistance immediately we'll see sustainment be one of the lesser known functions of the globe meter being welcome at all high-level council meetings cool but please listen your planet is about to be attacked you can take my word obviously you can tell by my clothing that i am starman earth they are called safarians they are a vicious race some of their secret agents have infiltrated your most restricted areas your governments and your scientific laboratories and possibly your men's warehouses at this moment the safarians have a huge space station within striking distance of earth that's right it is in position you're not funny our meeting was better get to the point victorians have built a great ship it is similar to yours except that it lacks an engine as powerful as the one on your ship also it only has am radio however their agents have managed to kidnap dr yamanaka and stolen the plans for his entry yeah look starman we really need to vote on whether there's to be parallel parking on main street i've come from the emerald planet to save earth and ensure peace for all time [Music] another function of your globe meter gentlemen please i promise i will locate the civilian ship my return dr yamanaka and the blueprints party [Music] sorry gotta go gotta you know makes the puma man look graceful and [Music] convincing wonder if i should wear my blue suit in the dark high for my meeting with the safarians [Music] whoa slowed way down there keep up your airspeed star man i'm gonna stall we want to have a ship just as strong as your ship and we've waited for you to volunteer to work on the engine as you know we've not tried to make you do it by using force hence those massive military garrisons as well as our good will is at last ended i'm sorry captain my children are the reason that i came here not that i blame them and will die cursing their names or anything against war you may threaten but i will continue to protect the peace of this earth i'll do nothing though you may kill me but my children don't deserve that you can free them they'll go on to careers in boot blocking which they like very much there's no amount of brutality that'll make me submit i have another way to force you to do as i want i'll make you into a safarian slave for all time well you know what take the boy and call it even lieutenant use the thought eradicator yes sir oh no don't struggle too much with that elderly man and teen girl guys hey the old guy said not to cancel the world domination plan madman your beast your attacks are paid you'll die pretty quick 180 from i will protect the peace of the earth all the deadly power of the gravitron at your county fair [Music] the birth of the japanese game show [Music] sir we're getting strange interference on our warning system and there's a warning on our strange interference system with a space station see if they know what's causing the problem yes sir and for the love of god can we do something about that strobe light [Music] sir i can't make contact there's a strange object interfering with a beam switch to another band and turn the frequency up that's actually kenneth's department sir ah what is it [Music] emergency i know that sound standard is causing it what the man is the cause switch on the tv we may pick him up on channel 2. that secret gravestone entrance must get really congested during commuting hours conditions are somewhat breezy in the vacuum of space today as he flies toward the space station star man detects signals from the secret superior base on earth the actor playing star man thinks about his brother the neurosurgeon and sighs deeply [Applause] [Music] when you reach them ask for instructions ironically their tech support is an american guy who claims his name is akira syrian space station receives the signal from earth and returns an order to the underground earth send a tentacle hentai oh come on guys here's the order sir starman is liable to make trouble kill him also get ready for launching michael collins drew starman killing duty on apollo 11. that's why he had to stay on the ship starman's glove meter has warned him that he must face not one superior base but at least two the base under the earth's surface and the station in space that's like the fifth of the three things the globe meter can do right [Music] across the electron then stop all sending until we can kill him um we know proper star man killing protocol barry increase acceleration once again star man approaches the steering wheel from a little tykes car [Music] flying at the speed of light a can of miller light that's rolling down a slightly unlevel part of your back patio [Music] what no blue danube well they could only afford blue dot a b that'll buy [Music] watching in the theater ed wood yells out fake [Music] nice of them to build an entrance that only starman's would be able to access he has all the strength of a stronger man who's pretty tired [Music] your glacial approach very gradually caught us off guard [Music] intergalactic warfare between two superior races everyone [Music] thank you actual athletic guys we won't be needing you anymore on this movie [Music] spiderman fights like a guy who's always keeping one eye on the buffet crab leg station [Music] all but just then he's hit with a space-folding chair when the space referee's back is turned oh my [Music] kurusawa films in the criterion collection eat your damn heart out [Music] i'm lumpy no no starman that's the hubble that's right folks you could bounce a yen off those butt cheeks [Music] ah why did you beat us up you were just gonna blow up our ship [Music] at this same moment in the sufferings underground base our narrating budget just ran out goodbye launch the ship hey japan maybe ease off on the nazis to lose till you've finished rebuilding tokyo from the last war ah they're going to shrink mike tv [Music] is that a jamaican flag yeah one safirian got a copy of bob marley legend and now claims he's totally into rastafari the countdown may begin japanese casey kasem is a lot more stern here is a story about dog named snuggles seven six five four three two one stanley kubrick faked the moon landing this director faked an episode of knots landing hello [Music] [Applause] [Music] as the ship is launched from earth starman detects the presence of another larger space station it is the suffering supreme headquarters built out of pepperoni sausage green peppers mushrooms and black olives [Music] sure it looks exactly like the underground headquarters but trust me completely different headquarters [Music] it's like those co-workers who say hi every time they walk past you sir the safarians are hogging the break room shuffleboard table you must instruct the spaceship to use ef orbit sir i know it he's cranky because nobody has complimented his huge new globe nice globe this is bunder addressing you change course move into orbit ef wait for further instructions ah orbit edmund fitzgerald the horrible gordon lightfoot music will surely destroy starman ef is near the death star i know it's a certainty that our new ship can withstand that heat star man as he tries to follow it shall die uh hate idiots the star makes them invincible let's marry a 101. that's done we can move through our solar system and our schedule attack can begin sir after it crosses the death star and our attack is ready i suggest you offer a surrender ultimatum tell them join me or die can you do any less throw a snake in there necessary to show our strength and in order to do that we'll have our rockets destroy one of the peaks in the himalayan mountains what maybe start with a propaganda film and work up to that man must be destroyed sir could you please turn on the sink so we don't have to hear you pee i am who i am starman detects signals being sent earthward from the huge safirian station and realizes that the signals must be meant for a spaceship he debates changing his facial expression and decides against it or one just like it has just been launched and he knows that if this is true the doctor and his children must be prisoners on board oh starman has the superpower to follow disjointed plots [Applause] [Music] where's the indignify costume button across the fiery death star very soon now start adjusting the cooling system yes sir turning cooling system up vehicle cooling systems solenoids let the movies transport you to a futuristic world of imagination starman sees the ship and calculates that it is nearing the death star he targets a small thermal exhaust port about the size of a womp rat [Music] so some styrofoam on fire equals death star [Music] [Applause] exterior heat rising how exterior heat rising is it think that heat drop go on forcing him to adjust the thermostat against his will the ultimate dad punishment the director was going for a pigs in space vibe but not as gritty or realistic actual landing footage from phoenix international airport [Music] oh you guys i think that lunch cuttlefish was off [Applause] [Music] the decision to cosplay giant baked potatoes has an unexpected downside starman doubts that his steel body can withstand the terrible radioactive flames uh so is steel different on other planets sort of soft and doughy with the supreme headquarters weird ass if he fails earth will be destroyed he has no choice but to risk the flames of the death star his steel lines tremble at the prospect [Music] this is only a star in the sense that kirk cameron is a star [Music] [Applause] oh boy here we go gold star taints turning into a marshland down there [Music] banana hammock fully submerged now we have passed beyond the death star oh beyond the death star also the title of jake lloyd's post-prison telling cannot be destroyed there's no force in the universe that could defeat it now that it's been armed i will never help you in using this as a weapon doctor you must be obedient since our brain treatment was given to you you are a robot that's all you are oh i hate it when i have to remind my mindless robot slave that he is a mindless robot slave you and the others have no choice without you and your vast knowledge we could not fly this ship or use it against your planet but now there's no problem you are completely under our power enjoy pushing the duty free cart around jackass meteorite coming into the fourth quadrant you're incorrect the guy with the fourth quadrant meteor activity podcast what's that mustard stain a banana peel oh starman sure yeah it's a mistake thinking he couldn't withstand that tremendous heat now he must out distance him cross him increase our speed increase our increa could you move your chair closer to the navigation easy right tiger [Applause] how many sandwich artists does one spaceship need our speed is at the limit and star man is gaining i know now we'll continue yamanaka you will start firing the rockets i don't like failing rockets kandinsky's space missile and butt [Applause] all right doctor i'm not allowed to pay over there's an obstacle that must be destroyed you must not hesitate to eliminate him these weapons can do it you must try to make every one of them strike him there's a nintendo power glove around here if that would make it easier lame now go ahead and shoot him hot furrowing action and so the rocket is launched much to the dismay of starman and so the rocket is launched much to the dismay of starman and so the rocket is launched much to the dismay of starman and so the rocket is launched much to the dismay of starman [Music] starman known throughout the cosmos for swatting stuff shouldn't he have like laser beam eyes or a nega sonic supernova pulse b no no just a swat it's his thing [Music] i don't worry that one's a nerf missile from the nerfurions [Music] oh i should have been checking my facebook [Music] [Laughter] that's good oh starman owed me five bucks evil i love it nothing in the universe can stop us bundar our supreme commander is a genius by ordering us into ef orbit he enabled us to kill our enemy he literally did no such thing even wayland smithers is offended by this level of ass kissing captain we are now in the vicinity of our space platform excellent contact them yes sir headquarters this is the ship headquarters this is the ship what are your orders and keep in mind we're idiots over headquarters to ship use the third plaza for landing approach from 90 degrees two minutes left speed mach three make your landing immediately we will follow their beam stupid beam thinks it's so great just because all things serve it [Music] [Applause] space the crappy frontier [Music] oh thank god if i had to smell janet's microwaved broccoli one more day i swear oh [Music] yeah this is what happens when dad insists he could make a better mega man costume than the ones in the store [Music] ladies and gentlemen thurston howell iii and his thirsty nets [Music] oh hi style man i'm a saphiri and you know that would explain a lot actually greetings i extended it we're going to erect other ships here we'll send them all against earth to destroy it and you'll help we need your brains in this we've had trouble maintaining erection we sufferings are not interested just in earth we intend to conquer the entire universe and to do it we need vessels that can withstand all counter-attacks they'll be strong they just like your ship doctor might as the weirdly high number of bidets brought you back we'll design and help build the ships with which we shall conquer the entire universe or destroy it the script isn't completely clear on that point report yes sir the missile's ready and prepared for programming excellent hi hi bye star man i go visit mark in bigger place he moved because he's making some good money these days huh later chief looking good bro hey who loves you baby here comes trouble a migraine can strike any time anywhere my mind is clear again now the effect of the machine is worn off oh yeah yeah me too that's why i offered to pay you for sex earlier careful act as if nothing has happened to us besides getting space snapped by genocidal aliens and forced to dress like minions i mean what that's the universal pictures logo you tools creatures listening on earth my plan is to destroy your world but it's not too late to save the earth if you unconditionally surrender you must surrender or die because destruction will be total people of earth surrender or die look i i can't emphasize the whole surrender or die thing enough to missile at the himalayan mountains pay attention to its great destructive force more can be sent unless you give up now to destroy what i'm told is your most populated and important city this himalayan mountain wait a minute [Music] the dalai lama's rumpus room no an emergency meeting of the united nations is held not because of the himalayan thing no one even knew that happened government officials demand to know what progress has been made on the secret spaceship which dr yamanaka had been building bear in mind i'm getting all this information third hand out of the loop but a member of the missing doctor's staff gives a report the news is discouraging the panty vending machine is jazzed have been working night and day to complete the ship an engine to replace the one taken by the sufferings has yet to be built things happen then events occur soon incidents transpire pool their resources to build another engine as quickly as possible it is unanimously agreed that unless this is done immediately earth will have no hope of fighting off the imminent attack though it sounds much nicer in the original japanese but agreed to by others men desperately argue over a solution to the problem which can be rather voicing their opposition to lengthening sailor moon skirt not an inch how can six tubers in a timpani drum just disappear geminika what's taking you so long those designs should be done already we expect you to work hard but it appears you're hardly working hurry a lot if you won't work any faster your children will die we're being delayed because of this ah they're doing good safari and bad safari and so transparent i think you'll see the advantage in doing exactly what we've been asking you'll get to fall in love with my velvety pruning to join us you'll be granted an excellent post and you'll have a great laboratory put at your disposal stockholm syndrome's about to hit this group in a big way bad news a report just reached us from our base on earth the earthlings refused to accept your ultimatum sir and also we just learned that they have arrested most of our secret agents and their top scientists have resumed work on their great spaceship what don't worry i don't think it was all that important doesn't bear repeating ah they're excited to bring their salute to earth they think people there will really dig it downtown new york center of london and the diet building in tokyo and uh what the hell lichtenstein [Music] ron can we load one missile without you stickering that's what she said that joke doesn't even work here ron [Music] [Applause] [Music] okay everybody in china jump now [Music] meanwhile the lionel train's display artist decides to make a dramatic exit ah my dishwasher needs one of those [Music] sure it's nice for the safarians to let us roam freely around the ship if they keep up this missile attack much longer all the earth will be destroyed we'll have to do something about it we could wreck their missile control room let's try i like your sabotage enthusiasm kid you got moxie failure means death that's right if we fail there'll be no earth to return to so we'll do it we'll move to uranus surprise the gods is the first thing we'll do you must disguise yourself as one of the gods cthulhu apollo or anything from norse mythology there's only one god who keeps watching this section and i'll surprise him easily by telling him grey's anatomy is still on it'll prove 30 minutes to warm up the engines we'll launch them at 2 o'clock just be certain you're there tell your father that he has to be there then and to wear something shiny and form-hugging let's begin now let's go come on oh the nail that sticks out shall be hammered down you're forbidden to talk all right we won't do it anymore all right good i wonder if i should mention other things they can't do nah it'll be fine oh no don't do this you can't do this come here who wants belly kisses are you guys talking about me oh hey you can't do this [Music] high five hat too slow come on the line for bumper cars isn't so long the hell did he go oh right that way [Music] so refresh my memory what was the point of the uniforms if they're just gonna skulk around like they don't belong there giant vertical stovetops just one of japan's wacky inventions [Music] hi steve up sorry i thought you were steve [Music] it's clear no one's around to mistake us for legitimate officers quick let's flee like we've [Music] the escaped dipper's back there swearing to fire his agent when this movie's over get me in this piece of crap i just was issued orders you're dismissed wait weren't those orders written down our heroes nearly undone by improper memo filing the girls at school are gonna be so into me when they hear what kind of jumpsuit i wore don't forget it's important that you're here by two o'clock really go until father to be here i will do i also get a uniform to disguise myself no just scurry around corners in a crouched position you'll be fine i will i love a me in a uniform good game good game good game good game good game [Music] good game [Music] even david duke thinks this is overkill now [Music] now it's time to produce an album of dogs barking out songs that i like luckily she knows exactly how this alien technology works since it's compatible with jeff goldblum's macbook quick check on the kids at the school crosswalk and back to work doctor if the earthlings launched that ship we could not successfully defend ourselves against them and i apologize if the theme to our costume party was unclear with this method we may be able to prevent the launching of that ship damn it camera guy where you even going i told you this cost us money finish your designs in time we could build another ship one strong enough to destroy the one on earth how long they take you to complete those plans i won't do them oh he's in the terrible the effects have worn off the doctor thinks again he's to die ah my three word review of any jared leto movie sir the missile control is damaged sabotaged sir the pressure adjuster is ruined it's sabotage listen all you all it's a sabotage sound the emergency [Music] you've stolen your last bingo card grandpa a street fair is held and traffic cops spring into action cars are redirected from madison all the way to washington drivers are told where to park officers are permitted one ice cream cone during their breaks anyone caught dancing to music is immediately uploaded to youtube i can't believe they're making us pose for a boston album cover in the middle of an emergency okay i'm gonna make this quick since most of us are dying from asphyxiation out here our younger prisoners just succeeded in escaping the guard you all suck i'm replacing you with those oeo guys in our instruments we must find them and make them pay for this we caught this jockey horse got away though we captured this one in the second plaza however after searching carefully we haven't been able to find the others sir we've searched everywhere yet out of this plaza the others could hide among them and let a check begin ted i'm concerned about your lack of commitment to racist salutes his search is interrupted when he's knocked unconscious by one of starman's charred limbs [Music] oh god he's crop dusting us come on man [Music] women soldiers hey they may want to wipe off the earth but their politics are way ahead of the curve [Music] i'll be honest with you guys i have no idea what i'm supposed to be looking for here [Music] now brad i know you're not the prisoner but you did forget to wear pants today [Music] i can't take it anymore it's me i'm the wrong japanese girl just make it stop [Music] nothing sir they are someplace on this station but someone spilled soda on the search manual and the pages are all stuck together hypothetically what would happen if i peed in my suit hypothetically there's one more area that they could hide in oh i hope she hid behind the vending machine with the healthy snacks nobody ever uses that one [Music] ah it's the classic trying not to get called on an english class gambit guard tell me since you've been on watch anyone gone in no sir nobody um yeah so you like being a kid toys sure are fun aren't they you said it how long were you here sir one hour i didn't order you here um you didn't not order me here you don't belong here you're a prisoner [Music] hoping that they'd be allergic to her smoke machine wasn't really a great plan [Music] sabotages charge against you and death is decreed as a penalty i'm passing that sentence yet it's too easy a penalty for you go ahead execute them the death is too easy a penalty so you're executing them no matter what the man said oh what kind of monsters would execute children without giving them cigarettes first [Music] check it out i can fly he's not flying you idiot great now i'm screwed starman has a big advantage here because nobody wants to risk brushing against his you know star bowl [Music] twisting cheetah block flaming llama stance weak old pastrami chop [Applause] featherweight steve the runt of the unit [Applause] [Music] critic crap evil space lords have gun guns instead of laser guns come on come on these podcasts better download soon because i'm not making conversation all the way back to earth [Music] was originally written for john wayne isn't here where could you be father i turned on the engine switch at exactly half past they'll go on at two o'clock o'clock are you kidding like we have any idea what time zone this is fine the ship will leave and i can't stop it i'll take a look i'm sure she must be coming oh don't come she'll never love you like i do starman is already searching we must put our trust in him [Music] really him [Music] perhaps you did not know that my outfit has gusseted for freedom of movement [Music] [Applause] [Music] starman's origin story must involve a radiation spill at cirque du soleil [Music] now mrs fireman is going to be really pissed when she sees what he did with her nightie [Music] don't pay for this star man my dry cleaning i mean getting these uniforms pressed ain't cheap [Music] the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a star guy with a gun [Music] don't tell my family about my lame death spin [Music] he used to do this bit with a chimp dressed in the same outfit dynamite stuff great [Music] come on star man if you want to fight me fight me this slapping it it just brings us both down [Music] fear my armpit ruffles of death [Music] [Applause] [Music] yeah yeah yeah this action stuff's all well and good but what's happening at that council meeting listen all of you i'm getting an adrenaline boner it doesn't mean anything just be cool okay [Music] i don't want to think about where starman keeps his wallet stashed under there [Music] yeah now he tried a lot of careers before this doorman congressman medicine man but star man was the one that stuck aha my belt keeps my unitard suit from falling down [Music] his arm flaps are there to disperse his pheromones throughout the area so he can attract a mate while he fights come on let's go i heard there's some kind of crazy dude in a speed skating costume coming for us i know we're under siege guys but you still gotta get your qa audits done by six recruiting for japanese pop girly groups some rare footage [Music] laugh once a day it's good for your heart i am difficult to defeat because of my obviously steel body okay since he's already super strong and invincible all this gymnastic crap just makes him seem like a dick [Music] his head he's part angler fish [Music] i'm fully psycho now who's that guy what's he doing is that the guy from before would you just be quiet and watch the movie [Music] be a fool you launch a ship your daughter shall die get out of the ship and surrender leave the keys i'll have one of my guys pull it around front doctor we can't let her die yes but if we stay earth will be destroyed but they'll kill her you can't leave her she's the only one who remembers to change the brita filter [Music] okay i know he's taking on an entire army by himself and all but this is still taking way too long [Music] you'd better cut back on your starbohydrates sorry i'm terrible at catchphrases i know see you think i like showing you scenes this repetitive no i don't but it's your bad behavior that makes me do it this may ship now your time what's up lead the ship and stop star man you here i give you one last chance to obey my order you must do so immediately i have a thing and i'm already laid you will see her die we can't leave her here let's agree to what he asks [Music] doctor turn off the engine nah i'm good what happened repair that one it's time for steve harvey's family feud installments match the communications they're completely destroyed no we can't hold him back now he's coming this way here an attack from space in space don't let him enter this section [Music] oh come on the safirian's one weakness they occasionally hand giant guns to prisoners [Music] suddenly putting out a real dorothy from kansas meets ripley from aliens vibe i'm confused by it and turned on oh no oh important choice i'm glad we got to see that here it is boys the ladies room it's amazing we are the worst aliens hello kitty oh and now she's going back over there i mean who can keep up this window sponsored by target sure guy peeping through a window at a young girl in pigtails nothing creepy here at all [Music] nice air the aliens look like normal people but they're actually made of kites [Music] you didn't even touch that guy well he doesn't have to that's one of his powers really yeah according to a very long and outraged post i just read on yeah attack from space.tumblr.com it definitely is and anyone who doesn't see that is a totally head who should it's amazing the things he can do when totally unimpeded by his enemies and spin oh hey there who's having fun poor voice dubbing actor sitting in a studio for hours going [Music] the zigfield follies presented by starman and the superiors [Music] nice [Music] whoa okay man you're wiping out our entire species you don't have to be so glib about it the power of three stooges in one yeah shame they only had one big gun and they gave it to her hey i found our other big gun now i'll go hand this to the other child fake wedgie and the reverse slinky kick wow hey thanks for approaching me in all kinds of fun ways fellas this is great [Music] so starman is the villain here right i think so [Music] hey that was our favorite sex doll [Music] how long can starband keep this up now seriously how long can starman keep this up please just use the gun these casual punches and laughter are getting us nowhere closer to a resolution oh starman we can see even more detail from the front and now the wild west portion of tonight's program that poor saphirian was only three sapphires away from retirement [Music] totally unstoppable as long as nobody nearby is trying very hard to stop him oh yes good get rid of those pesky guns so we can enjoy some more of this fight choreography [Music] why didn't we put a railing here [Music] well he's done fighting maybe half the crew from deck one of the ship what how many decks are there are 37 decks [Applause] yeah you can really see how that globe meter watch is helping him out here hey uh glove meter here need any radiation detected no no just a bunch of awkward wrestling moves okay well you know let the globe meter know if you need any help with understanding languages or detecting radiation pretty much just those things oh space flag are you in space right now no i guess you're not look space nazi do us all a favor and pretend that killed you so this can end thanks man [Music] good enough for us good enough for me surely there are more guys for me to hug fight you're all right let's go come on do we need my gun nah i left no one alive doctor just one more second hell no we're out of here later losers way to be my daughter idiot see behold the glorious work of starman piles of corpses [Music] don't worry we'll soon catch up to it hold me very tightly yes scene gets directed by woody allen [Applause] enhance your movie's exciting third act with dueling vacuum cleaner noises so many dogs hiding under so many beds right now [Music] [Applause] [Music] my stupid daughter and that load of a superhero are gaining on us step on the gas yeah we'll pretend we didn't see him get back to earth and tell everyone they died heroically then we roll in the sympathy sex [Music] [Applause] show my butt like this starman that's right okay why isn't everyone inside being sucked into the vacuum of space low meter watch but that isn't even one of the three power globe meter watch you're safe thank you all right you must destroy the severian space station right away now try it that brief display of emotion about your daughter being alive was messy an embarrassed star man in all of japan right 180 and 40 dumb crosswords a stumper increase thrust mach 32 you've got it he has no idea what that wheel does [Music] hey um maybe we should head back and bury some of the bodies of that space station you just wiped out starman yes grillam more thrust i'm turning it up and by it i mean jock jams volume one y'all ready for this okay next time i complain about a star wars ship flyover shot remind me about this [Applause] damn it star man that was a hospital you're drunk someday you'll be tried for your crime starman we've changed the station's orbit now it's em10 it's excellent for destroying their nuclear stockpile without any danger kids are bored out of their damn minds station's [Music] if you watch closely the station's new orbit spells out starman rules non-steel aliens can suck it [Applause] [Music] ascend 38 degrees more thrust i'll increase the thrust to mach 80. i shaved with a mach 80 once total bloodbath [Music] mark 92 i'm turning it up oh yeah incremental knob turning this is the good stuff [Music] [Applause] more thrust i'm turning it higher so i guess after 100 they give up on the phony numbers and go straight to higher [Music] [Applause] [Music] wow it exploded almost as though starman had swatted it [Music] can live on in peace now doctor my mission has now been completed you may return to us and we can take off our sauna suits i think we've reduced our waistlines enough there well goodbye yeah a little slow on the farewell there kid get you together goodbye please tell the better superheroes we said hello you're a little close there star man i kind of thought you'd be further away by now i'll just be here doing this until the universe needs me my existence is hell and as the genocidal star man says goodbye from space so do we say goodbye to attack from space thank you for joining us and please if you got this episode anywhere other than our site kindly head to rifftrax.com donate and make it right what the hell happened to the triangle head alien council i miss them copyright by riftrax all rights reserved

Channel: RiffTrax

Views: 231,098

Keywords: MST3K, Mystery Science Theater 3000, RiffTrax, Mike Nelson, Michael J Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett, Comedy, Funny, Movies, Films, Television, Sci-Fi Channel, Comedy Central, Riff, Riffing, Commentary, Narration, Comedy Trio, Stand Up, Movie Review, syfy channel

Id: OaMQfWO3-yU

Length: 76min 13sec (4573 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 31 2022