Richard Osman: The Untold Story Of A TV Legend's Addiction!

my books wouldn't be as good if I if I haven't gone through that trauma welcome Richard Osmond ladies and gentlemen best-selling novelist television producer presented you know if you have a trauma of any type and and you are looked after and you're guided through it you can come out the other side if however you're sort of left alone in your trauma your own Solutions never work I never sat and thought oh I've got a problem with my life but I would have addictive behaviors around food when did you realize that it was their strange Behavior I mean it's an addiction there's no other way of putting it it's like having a bottle of vodka then having another bottle of vodka then having another bottle of vodka if you see somebody is different they do not need to be told I've had that with my height you know and I know you're just thinking yeah but it's just me you think yeah but it's just you and five other people every single day I didn't live the life I should have done for many years I wish I'd been more myself in those years and I would have taken much less success and much more happiness what what is happiness gosh that's a good question well here's the way I always think about it that makes a lot of sense you think before this episode begins I just want to say a huge thank you to all of our new subscribers 74 of you that watch this channel didn't subscribe before and we're now down to about 71 so that helps us in a number of ways that are quite hard to explain but simply the bigger the channel gets the bigger the guests get so if you haven't yet subscribed to the Diary of a CEO if I could have any favors from you if you've ever watched the show and enjoyed it it's just to please hit the Subscribe button without further Ado I'm Stephen Butler and this is the Diary of a CEO I hope nobody's listening but if you are then please keep this yourself [Music] Richard Stephen what do I need to know about you and your earliest years to understand the man you went on to be and all the things you went on to do uh it's a good question well if you mean professionally the man I I went on to be um I grew up loving popular culture loving mainstream culture loving mainstream television um so you know that's always been in my soul I came from a big working class family and now find myself in a very middle class world so I I sort of have a sense of what different people um from different places in Britain like to watch or like to read uh so that really and you know I grew up I've I've visually very visually impaired so I don't see the world particularly brilliantly but I'm always listening to the world I'm always interested in what people are saying and you know getting that sort of thing so I think that combination of things means I've I've had a career of sort of working out what people might quite like and then finding the right people to help me make those things your your earliest years kind of reminded me of mine in many ways because I I almost view my earliest years as two chapters there was for me there was the first chapter which was really Pleasant I remember it being a very happy home and then there was a second chapter which I could describe basically as dysfunctional yes and a bit of a bit of a nightmare yeah there's the the similarities so I was I was I was nine my father left when I was nine and this being the 1970s we didn't really see him again it wasn't sort of it wasn't touchy feely oh everyone still loves each other it was you know off off he went and so yeah I was probably the same but quite happy-go-lucky up to that age and then afterwards you sort of have to you know build a mask for yourself a little bit and you know pretend you're okay and pretend you're not in pain uh weirdly that ability to sort of create your own narrative was helpful in my related to create career you know I'd rather not have had it but that ability to sort of pretend that everything's okay and to write a different story um which is which is uh very much what I did but um yeah I think that anyone who's had that sort of Disconnect uh it affects them one way or another and it was very you know an unhappy time and it's litter lots of unhappiness uh since then but it doesn't make me unhappy anymore for sure I've absolutely come to terms with it come to peace with it um and you know I always say trauma is not the problem it's an inability to deal with trauma is the problem you know if you have a trauma of any type and and you are looked after and you're guided through it you can probably come out the other side if however you're sort of left alone in your trauma and you come up with your own Solutions your own Solutions never work and so I definitely had that but some I try and use and you know I'm very connected still to the nine-year-old weirdly because I've had that sort of interregnum where I was a slightly different person so I'm always able to um I'm always able to find that nine-year-old and that nine-year-old was very interested in new things and what's on telly and you know uh who's playing football this afternoon and you know what's in the pop charts and you know that's the stuff that I loved when I was nine and it's the stuff that I still love now I'm always always what's next what's next what's next you talk he talked I think it was a Sunday Times interview you did where you said at that age you had to manufacture yourself a little bit and I found that really interesting because I've heard this a few times from a few different people I've sat here with that have undergone uh sort of a tectonic shift in their early years yeah what do you mean by manufacture yourself a little bit well I think when you get into your teenage years you are working out who you are and you know we could we we all of us change and we change in you know in reaction to the world around us and the new things that we experience and new friends and new schools you know we become different people but I think if at the heart of it there is a lie so my lie would be everything is okay I don't need my dad to be around it's okay that I hear my mum crying at night you know if that's my lie then everything I build is built on a fault line you know so everything is built on that fault line so however big I build the you know my personality there's going to come a point and it happened to me probably late 20s when there's an earthquake because that fault line gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger so it's just but you we all build our personalities and if you build them on truth if you build them on firm foundations if you build them on good faith then you know you have a chance if you build them on fault lines then it always comes out that makes a lot of sense you think yeah because that's that's completely consistent with when I've sat here with people who've spent Decades of their life or Decades of their career even um building themselves up on a lies but or as you've referred to it as a wearing a mask um the the earthquake always comes well here's the way I always think about it listen people tell you there's no such thing as truth and of course that that's true I get it there's no such thing as actual reality but I think our personalities we sort of have a true north right which if nothing goes wrong or if we respond to trauma well we carry on our life and that true north goes up through us and we sort of dance around it and we can sort of wander in and out the fields around this sort of true north if you deviate from True North especially very young then suddenly True North is here and you're heading off in this direction right and for quite a while you're not very far from your true north but if you're like 15 20 years in you're so far away from what you should be right now you don't know that you're telling a lie okay that's the absolute key you don't know that you're lying to yourself right so what you're seeing is the reality of the world seems alien to you and you can't work out why you think why don't why don't I fit in what why am I not sort of doing the right things and it's because you're so far away from where you need to be and lots of people will fill that Gap with um addictions and drugs and booze and weird behaviors but eventually I think most people work out the reason the world doesn't seem right is I'm not right you know and some people narcissists will try and drag the world to them Trump he tries to drag the world to him all the time okay because of his childhood and which we get right but most people at some point just go no I need I've got to make that leap I've got to LEAP back to where I was which is a long journey but but a worthwhile one but I think it's just we just keep going just slightly off course slightly off course and the longer that goes on for the further we are from where we should be if you were to um have stayed on your true north um throughout that whole period what would you have done instead oh well it's a very good question uh I sort of think that I would have done roughly the same thing I think I would have ended up in in TV or journalism or writing one way or another I think that and especially think this with the books I think that it has given me an empathy for people and for pain until you know I see pain in other people all the time and I see Denial in other people all the time and I think those things go through the books so I think my books wouldn't be as good if I if I haven't gone through that trauma uh you know and again I trade the two off in a heartbeat so I think I would have done the same thing but I don't think it would have had the same Soul as the truth and therefore I don't think it would have had quite the same impact or success you say you trade the two off in a heartbeat yeah What happiness for because I mean listen you you've been enormously successful right but the question is why okay what are you after right are you after money okay you're off the money but why what's it what is it that money is doing for you it can buy you certain things okay why do you want those things what are they doing for you and the answer is always one thing which is happiness contentment right just comfort in and of yourself that's all you want is to wake up in the morning and be comfortable with who you are to have enough and to be comfortable with who you are uh and I think that you know that's the thin happiness is the only thing we seek and if I'd grown up happier I think I would have found happiness easier to find and you know my happiness has been hard won and I'm happy that you know now it's great because I'm 51 and I'm I'm in this lovely place but then you know there's sort of 10 15 years where you think oh you know what I wish I'd I wish I'd been more myself in those years uh and I would have taken much less success and much more happiness it's funny I asked that question because I remember mogada sitting here and talking to me about the Eraser test they did on people where they asked people if you could remove the most traumatic events of your life would you do it and he says that 95 of people says they would say they wouldn't yeah I think it's interesting that because I I don't think people I I don't think it's a real question because what you're really saying to people is would you erase who you are yeah and would you erase and you know of course you wouldn't of course you would not erase who you are because it's very dear to you however if you were able to live that other reality and live this reality and see which one of these do you prefer I think you'd say the one without the trauma is my opinion none of us would ever say yes I want to erase who I was okay I mean it's crazy but actually the truth is if we had the two side by side like a you know a Costa and a Starbucks and say which would you prefer we would pick the uh we'd pick the the uh which is the best one I don't know either I think I don't know exactly what I think I don't know what I don't know what's the cost of All-Star vaccine they're both fine companies I imagine there's a lot of people listening to this now that have had a traumatic event happen to them or of course are going to have traumatic events in their future what I'm really interested in is knowing the impact that your decision to no longer see your dad and however else you behaved at that time had on you later how in hindsight do you think it would have been better to act better for me to act yeah I don't think it's a question for me because I'm 10 10 11 years old right and I'm not I'm I'm I'm not the sort of significant actor in that situation you know you you're not able to rationalize the world correctly you know it's for the people around you and there's no disrespect by the way to the people around me because you have very very different times and my mum had just been through the most extraordinary trauma I mean much more than I had been through and so she was not in a position to act in my best interest there and my dad wasn't in a better position to to work in my interest and nobody was no one knew you know it was a lot to talk about mental health now and isn't it you know but no one talked about that stuff but then I mean they really really didn't talk about that stuff back then you know it just didn't exist you know you it was the sort of Hangover from the kind of post-war years where you just didn't complain you know and that that's still the mindset we had so listen if if it happened uh more recently yeah it would have been much simpler and listen I'd have found a different trauma you know is personality type seek out trauma is the truth uh and I would have found a different trauma um to explain away my differences but I think that um yeah I think that had it happen 30 years later conversations would have been had people would have sat in rooms that would have worked out what the best to do was but it's the world was such a different place in sort of 1979 it sort of feels very very recent to me uh but you know the world the world was an entirely different place and we didn't even have to have those conversations in 1992 when I was born yeah I think that's right they started showing up about 10 years ago I think the conversations around mental health and mental well-being before then even the prospect of being mentally ill had this like horrible stigma associated with like stray jackets and asylums not no we didn't think of the fact that we all have mental health I think I think that's exactly right and listen there's an awful lot wrong with our this new social media age but one of the good things is if you are different then you are supported and you have friendships around you unless you're also attacked that's the problem with social media age because you know suddenly you're seeing as a group but you are supported and you can find like-minded people you can find people in the same position no one at my school was from divorced parents you know it just didn't you know when I went to comprehensive school was a few more but not really and now of course you know you can be on you know you can be online and you can meet a thousand people in your situation in one evening you know and that I think it would would be rather helpful you've talked about how you've come to peace with that resentment that you had with your father how oh easily because he's a human being and I got it and I got to the age that he was when he left saw the situation that he had found himself in and I thought yeah I get it I see why he would do that you know I did the same you know I left the mother of my children um hopefully in a very different way but um you know I absolutely get her he found himself in a situation he couldn't get out of um so ran away and you know I met him in later life and he's an alright guy he knows a perfectly decent man but he didn't have the language and he didn't have the brain space for for that sort of conflict we just didn't have it he just was in a situation he didn't want to be in and ran away which is which is very common and again people you know do it less now because you know you can talk to people and Men didn't talk to other men then you know he found himself at a place in life where he just thought I'm not who I need to be you know I'm unhappy and so he found an excuse and left and so I've always you know I have no resentment towards him anymore I get it I sort of wish that I loved him and I wish that there was that I felt that love and I wish that I had that big sort of family thing but gosh there's worse problems in the world um but but of course I understand why you did it you know this is the age-old story people have been doing it for generations and they'll keep doing it empathy was your yeah I think so and and it's um an empathy for one's enemies I don't we should call him an enemy but you know what I mean for someone who's an antagonist in your life rather than a protagonist people talk a lot about empathy and I think they don't have empathy for their their opponents or for people who disagree with them or for people who've lived a different experience and you think that's empathy empathy is not just saying I feel sorry for people or can we help people you know that of course is empathy and it's kindness but empathy is also why does half the country disagree with me you know why does half the country live their life in a different way why do they not care about what I care about that's actual empathy and that's that that's in shorter Supply I would say but you're learning to forgive someone who's caused you trauma uh and not just forget but understand the French say to understand all is to forgive all which which I sort of I sort of get um you know if you're inside someone's head you go okay I see it I see why you did it so listen I'd rather he hadn't done it but I understand entirely why he did and and yeah that's that's I guess a a very good example of empathy the sort of empathy that you wish you didn't have to have but um you know it's very useful you needed more information on his contacts to get that empathy or was it because you use the word learning to forgive yeah which I think is an app to work because it's not easy to to do that it's not just a decision week well it is I guess to somehow but it's a very difficult decision to make to to really well I mean look in in my situation I hadn't seen it for 20 years and that I did see him um maybe a bit maybe 18 years and so yeah I'd had a long time to Build That Wall around me I had a long I had you know I'd had conversations with him in my head a lot and you know the conversations you have people who aren't there become very powerful and you know you'll constantly have that conversation again this is what I would say this is why I would say uh and then you meet up and you start saying a couple of those things and you're just there with a gun AI who's just said I was just unhappy and you know I love you and you know I wish I hadn't had to do it you just go it takes the sting out of all the conversations you've had over the years now for me he didn't have the conversations with me that I needed you know there was no it wasn't really apologetic he didn't really understand the first thing he said to me is I I bet you wonder what I've been up to since I left and I thought not really you know I sort of think maybe what I've been up to might be of interest to you and so he he he just didn't he didn't have he didn't have the vocabulary to to reform the relationship it's the truth um and I sort of felt he hadn't needed it but I I said to him towards the end of his life I did say have you had a happy life there have you had a happy life since you left and he said yes I thought you know what that's that's fine for me that'll do me listen it's I'd rather he was happy but um yeah it's uh it's it's a it's a long journey to sort of go do you know what I get why you did it and now the stuff that I built up around it is now my responsibility and and it's my thing to deal with not his and in the interview I think with the Sunday Times you said you you went to his funeral and you found yourself very you found yourself upset but not at what one would think yeah I went down with my brother funny enough who had even lesser Doom with him than I did and my kids were there and it was so unemotional uh and you know I was very careful you know I thought no come remember that sometimes these things hit you and this is your father and he's died uh and I couldn't connect with him I cried briefly at the end because I cried because of what could have been because of the relationship I've missed but I wasn't crying for him uh and from the next day almost it didn't hit me again there was no kind of Aftershock uh and that's sort of that that's really upset me that there was not because I'm an emotional very emotional person I'll cry anything I'll cry at the repair shop uh and I was sort of thinking this this is not knocked me particularly uh and I thought that was very sad because what a waste of love you know what a waste of things that could have been and my brother was the same I could you know I said to my kids did Uncle Matt cry and they went no no so you know it's it's the same thing and you know people around him were crying and you know the people who he loved and who loved him so he'd built that life you know without us but for me I just thought oh that's there it is you know my grandparents funerals I was crying with my father's funeral it was just I was glad I was there but there was there was it just you can't lie and pretend that it connects when it doesn't you seem to be more significantly more shaped by Brenda ah my mum yeah no I'm definitely so I'm definitely shaped by her I didn't have any other option than to be shaped by her because uh it was just me her and my brother in the house yeah and I was very lucky to whatever my trauma and listen we can overestimate these things because I was brought up in a very loving household and brought up in a very smart household my mum uh it became a primary school teacher uh after my dad left and you know just very wise and very protective and you know uh so I I really in the sort of Lottery of life's parents I I have to accept that the one I had was an awful lot better than the two that many people have give me a flavor of her character and personality in her her Mana well she's let's say she's a she's a primary school teacher so she's used to um you know if you ever went into a into a class that my mom's teaching they'd be silent if she wanted them to be silent but she's very very softly spoken and where she is now in her Retirement Village which is the basis of the Thursday Murder Club books she's surrounded by people with very strong opinions and very strong personalities and my mum looks like she wouldn't say boo to a goose she looks like she's very unassuming uh but you know I know after these big meetings when they're all shouting each other my mum will be the one to stand up and just say I wonder if we should do this and give the solution to the thing you know while everyone else's egos are sort of blown themselves out she sort of slips in and sort of says I wonder if we do this and that's not just by the way oh I'm kindly and wise it's also she wants to get her own way and she knows she knows that that's the way to do it so yes she's she's very bright very quiet very unassuming uh and sort of is the opposite of of a tiger mother you know these mothers that make sure you're doing you know piano practice and French lessons and you're learning Mandarin and all this kind of stuff she just she let me watch TV she let my brother play his guitar and sort of trusted that we'd find out our way in life and that's I think certainly for me and my brother often the best way to bring up kids is to is to let them find what they love and just let them get on with it that decision to just let you watch the Telly um pretty formative I guess well yeah and and you know listen we can always look back in hindsight and go she was a genius she knew that that was going to be my career but I think that she realized when I was watching TV that I wasn't doing it passively and which is true when I was watching TV I was always looking at the credits who does what on a TV show what are the names of these people and you know if there were jokes on a sitcom thinking oh that's interesting why did that make me laugh at that that bit doesn't make me laugh or formats you know how why do they always end on a round and a quiz show where you can catch up loads of points what's that about so I was never watching passively I was always I was fascinated with I was always interested with it uh and I think that she I sit with my son and computer can actually plays games all the time but then he's talking to me about the industry and he's talking to me about how they monetize it and he's talking to me about you know different forms of games and I just think great you could keep playing games then because that's the thing that you love and as long as you're interested in how it's put together then you know that can become a career and I don't think my mum thought that I ever would have a career in teddics we didn't know anybody like that but I think she just sort of trusted did that something was going in and that you know I was never interested in school work I just not it wasn't my thing at all I could get by but it never sparked my interest really but TV always did and the stuff I was watching and Sport always did you know I'd watch and watch and watch and that's you know almost all my lessons would take you know again with someone who's very visually impaired I can sit up very close to the Telly so you know so many of my lessons are from TV not not from the real world because the real world I can't really see it you know you can't really see it well everything's in a fog I mean that's the that's the point so I I never noticed details if I want to see a bird in a tree or a cricket ball going towards a bat I can't that's not something I can see never will do we can't drive or anything like that it was on TV the whole world is out there I can go and you know I've never been a big traveler or anything like that I want to stay at home but I can watch any country in the world on television you know that's the thing that I can see and I'm interested the reason I don't want to travel is I don't want to travel I don't want to get on a plane I don't want all of that but I want to learn about places I want to see things and TV you just it just shows you everything and it showed me everything and it introduced me to people and you know even now I watch daytime TV I get so much information about human beings from watching those shows and seeing people's reactions which I don't see in real life you know because I'm up close to it I get to see it all and TV's given me all of that you know and uh I think TV is so huge and such a huge part of our culture we sort of I think we forget it exists I think we forget quite what a powerful thing it is we talk about Cinema and music and all this kind of stuff and this is the age of Television you know this is my generation I think perhaps that your generation the next one is going to be much less so but television is the thing that's in the corner of everybody's rooms you know and it shows us so many things it teaches us so many things but it's so awkward it became too successful that we sort of take it for granted and now we'll say oh TV's collapse you go yeah but country fast getting six million viewers you know that's like it's a lot of people you know and um I've so much of what I know about the world and what people like and politics and that comes from TV and what people watch nystigmas is that how you pronounce the stagness yeah the stagness yeah stagmus that's the condition you've had since birth yeah so you wouldn't you wouldn't know any otherwise yeah exactly I've always um you know my asset's always been blurry and it's it's like an uncontrollable moving of the the pupils I did once I never used autocue on television so I can't see it and once when I did have I got news for you this because it's all gags that are written you have to and I was hosting they said well you're gonna have to use it usually I can learn stuff but that is a whole script worth of games because I couldn't so the game they said look this is the autocue that Bruce uses so you'll be fine and even that it wasn't big enough I said you've got to move it nearer make it bigger in the end we got it big enough uh but when people were watching it they said oh is Richard Osman drunk because they could see the effort of having to focus on something my eyes were going absolutely crazy so people think you're drunk then so I never hosted it I just went you know what I'll be a guest where you know I don't have to do and I never use auto-q on any shows and again that's one of those silly things where what feels like a disadvantage is a huge Advantage because you know so many TV shows and we were talking just before we came on air about about how shows are edited and I'm thinking about House of games I think about Dragon's Den they're edited in in a very sort of military way you know they've got the same shots each time and the one thing I've got control over is what I say and the second something is on auto queue you say the same thing because the producers put the same thing in because they've got other things to be worried about and the fact that I don't have it on auto security means I I just say different things each time you know and it's looser and it's Freer and people can watch five episodes in a week and I haven't introduced any of them in the same way to the others and so I've turned that thing of not being able to see to an advantage which is you know I present television shows differently in a way that's hopefully a bit Freer and feels a bit more natural the other thing you talk about and I've seen this in a few interviews is your height being something you've almost contended with and it's you know it's interesting because um a lot of short men want to be tall men and hear a tall man say yeah speakers if you'd rather be a little bit shorter is yeah it's quite surprising well I'm six foot seven which is too much is the truth uh and you know it it makes you extraordinary look my eyesight is not people can't see that right okay so that's mine and that's internalized and you know I deal with that how I want to my height is something that people can always see and I find it I find it fascinating again in this world of social media when when people talk about microaggressions and stuff that you must have seen your entire life which is if you're different in any way right you're reminded of it non-stop you know mostly in a people that are not being cruel sometimes they are now I have a height so I'm not being discriminated against because of my height right it's not you know I'm not it's not costing me anything but I do know that every single day of my life I'm reminded of it every single day just non-stop and so I know that to be a person of color to be differently gendered to be all of these things I know that the microaggressions I get you are getting Non-Stop every day of your life and in a much more harmful way so I've always hopefully really really understood the idea of microaggressions and the idea that please I hear this every single day even if you're trying to be kind you know if you see somebody as different they do not need to be told they do not need it pointed out every single day because everyone has told them their entire life that they're different you know and I know you're just thinking yeah but it's just me you think yeah but it's just you and five other people every single day forever and you know I've had that with my height forever and ever and ever and for incredibly self-conscious and most people are perfectly nice some people are horrible because some people it's a really good radar for what people are like I call it a c word radar sometimes this being different in any way and which perhaps you'll agree with which is so many people are sort of lovely and chat but then you know a couple of times a day there's just someone who wants to shout you out of a window or just wants to make you feel small ironically you know that's what they want to do and you just think why someone's a bit different to you and you've got to shout something and make yourself feel a bit better you know and so being different in any way whatsoever I think really teaches you about people and about the hate that's out there and about the unhappiness that's out there because that's where it all comes from and so being tall yeah has taught me about microaggressions and and has made me try and fight for people who are different and has made me just say to people if someone is different right just talk to them normally you don't need to it's we never had the word but sometimes I'll sort of tweet something about oh I love this film or I went to see this gig or blah blah blah and like 10 people go glad I wasn't behind you and you know what it's a perfectly harmless joke right perfectly harmless I get it I understand why people do it but I get it every single time someone does it so just think for one second has this guy ever heard this before has heard this thing before is it a fun thing to say to him because to me if I go to Giga Cinema it's a nightmare because I don't want to be in front of anyone I go out of my way to be as far back as possible which when you can't see means it's impossible or you're going to sit on the island and say yeah take it seriously and every single time they say it now that's just a tiny example but recently people have said they've started saying oh you mustn't body shame I thought well that's interesting because body shaming is sort of something that um you know certain people would say that all that that's what a snowflake talking about body shaming but actually it really I think yeah that's what you're doing that's what people have done to me for the last 30 years they've body shame me like because they've talked about my stature and I felt ashamed that's body shaming I mean that's what that is I would never have thought of it as that I just was embarrassed and just made me feel shy maybe not want to go out but it's body shaming and actually having it named you just think oh good for you and it's the younger generation you do it they're so great and they're just saying no come on that's body shaming and you think oh that's such a such a lovely sort of thing to have in my Armory they're going to go yeah that's exactly what you're doing uh and again 90 of people they mean nothing by it and I get it but it's just boring and ten percent of people it's you just think oh you're very unpleasant I am I never I'm so glad to hear that because it's really changed my perspective because um and I mean genuinely mean that like I wouldn't sit here and just go yeah I agree I genuinely have learned something yeah and um and I think I think it's I think it's because of what how I phrase the question at the start in the sense that a lot of people feel a ton of Shame for being slightly shorter which is again it's uh it's it's a point point of being different um and I've never heard in my experience someone say but it's completely right that wherever they go they must be continually reminded of the fact that they're taller than everybody and how that might might make them feel when did that first start happening in your life well sort of in my teenage I was sort of very tall from about 17 probably I was always tall but kind of nice all you're the tallest in your class and that's you know which is quite a fun thing to be you know and that's what you want you want to be six two right that's what you know anyone who's five nine or six seven we all want to be six two uh and yes it's sort of 17 18 and when I was off to University which again is very you know so I'm sort of this guy who is Much Too Tall and is awkward about being tall who can't see anything and who's quite an introvert anyway uh and so and I sort of had this full self anyway from when he was nine years old and his dad left and everything was okay um so you know there was a real sort of storm of things Brewing there as I say all of which have brought me good things in the end but uh you know I think um meant that you know I didn't I didn't live the life I should have done for many years because I was sort of hiding away from things sometimes I have to hide away from because with my eyesight I just can't it's not safe for me to do various things and some things just my height and sort of thing I'm going to look stupid oh I'm going to look stupid going on a roller coaster thing and also what if I cut what if my legs don't fit on that and you know just silly silly little things and you know the world will not the world is not shy and letting you know that you're weird you know that there's something weird about you and certainly that's what I felt I felt weird and of course as soon as you feel weird you have to sort of you know you live with it and your your behavior sort of changes and you're going to go oh no I am a weird person so I have to hide that away or explain away why I'm weird you know I'm very grateful that the one thing I always had was I was good with words I was able to put things into words I was always able to make people laugh uh and so I for years I've been able to paper over the cracks of all of that because I had all this stuff but I knew that I could sit in a room and make people laugh and I knew I could say the right things to people and and so I sort of I I got away with it for years and years and years is the truth big one I have some exciting news this episode is brought to you by Mercedes-Benz who recently got in touch to support the Diary of a CEO thank you I've been quite the fan of their cars for some time now so I jumped at the chance to work with them as one of the most well-known luxury Brands out there and through getting to know their brand on a much deeper level I came to learn about our shared values on Innovation striving to create a better tomorrow some of you may know if you follow me on Instagram that this year we invested in a Mercedes-Benz of our own and honestly it's transformed my life but not only that we also use Mercedes-Benz to pick up all of our guests on this podcast this way the dire Visio experience really starts from the moment they're collected and we can be in total control of how that introduction looks and feels over the coming weeks I want to talk to you about Mercedes EQ which is their all-electric car range and how they're Innovative Next Generation 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able to talk to this audience about a brand and a product that is so unbelievably linked to my values and the the place I am in my life of valuing the gym exercise movement my mind my breathing and all of those things and most importantly my nutrition that is the role fuel plays and so if you haven't already tried Hill and you've been resistant to my my pestering then give it a go and let me know how you get on you referred two times now to this storm in your 20s where kind of I guess this was the point about your true north you must have realized that you were far from your true north and you needed to kind of turn back or get across towards your true north what was this storm in your 20s well I don't know it's it's an interesting one really because you know professionally I was doing the thing that I loved you know I started working Telly at 21 I haven't had a day off since and you know I was being successful because because I came from a home where I watched TV and I was in an industry full of people who didn't watch TV it was very very easy for me to rise through the ranks and to make shows and to invent my own shows and to sell them because you know I felt very very at home uh and so I was being successful and I was you know exactly producing shows and and all sorts of things uh and you know I had kids very young uh which I'm delighted I I did because I'm 51 now and they're like both in their 20s which is amazing you know what my big presenting issue was was was a was a food addiction and and weird Behavior around food which I wish I can sort of C would be what a nine-year-old would have would have set up for himself and what'd you mean by that well I think if you if you are going to be an addict which is almost always how do I run from this pain how do I run from the fact that you know I'm not where where I need to be when you're on nine food is probably the only thing that's available to you the food attachment maybe you know there's there's only a certain amount of things and a nine-year-old uh has at their disposal Hot Wheels I mean there's there's not a lot you can get addicted to uh and so you know I I would have addictive behaviors around food and that I never sat and thought Oh I've got a problem with my life I never thought that I never thought oh you know I'm I'm not who I'm supposed to be but what I definitely thought was why why do I have these eating behaviors that's weird and in a way that explained my weirdness away for me I mean you're weird because because yet you have this weird eating patterns that's the thing that makes you weird and you think no there's lots of things that make me weird um and so that's the thing that I went to get help for you know so that's the first time I went into therapy uh which again from my background is not something I would have considered but it got to such a stage and I'm so tired of this Behavior of how weird it was and how dumb it made me feel what was the behavior just overeating and you know binge eating and all that kind of just inability to control food in any way whatsoever or if I was controlling it just being incredibly strict so either sort of dieting or or being out of control with food which is much more common than I think we allow as a culture I think you know alcoholism and drug addiction we get we understand and this pathway is to sort of uh getting better but I think food addiction is is is is the sort of last taboo but you know I haven't spoken about it before the the messages I get from people just saying yeah that's me or you know my husband came into the kitchen and in tears and just said that's that's me that's been me for 20 years and that that's the thing that I've got uh and has never spoken about it to people so I think I think it's really really really uh common also why wouldn't it be you know given the food industry right why wouldn't it be why would why would a food addiction not not be a thing and so I think yeah those behaviors where you just go do you know what I've got these wonderful kids I've got this great career and yet I'm still secretly eating and feeling deeply ashamed of myself you know what what's that right and after a while you think maybe it's not the food maybe it's me you know maybe the food is a symptom of something rather than the problem uh which of course is the case you know booze is never the problem is it drugs are never the problem that what you're running from is the problem so yeah I went to therapy and honestly from the first session I did I I that's my path to getting better and you'll never not be an addict but that's my path to kind of going okay I get it I see I see what this is most people I don't think will understand when you when you say binge eating and overeating I think a lot of people listening think well I I overeat yeah yeah you know what I mean but but what I've read from what you described is a very very different to just overeating a big meal once in a while can you give me some detail as to what you mean by yeah and again look it's it's shaming for me to do so but but a good example would be I remember one of the first years with us you know talking to the therapist about it and and it was it was sort of mid December so I wasn't going to see him for a few weeks and he said look I hope you know her Christmas day is not too triggering because people eat so much on Christmas day you know the classic thing on Christmas day oh my God you know all this and all the chocolates and the crisps and we had a meal anyway and then there's cheese at night and blah blah and I said honestly I've eaten like it's Christmas Day every day from my 20s and 30s that's not you know that's what I've done when I'm in an episode you know everything is like Christmas Day I'm not eating because I'm hungry I'm eating because the food is there and because I need I need to not be sitting by myself you know and thinking about whatever I need to be thinking about it so you know is that is that idea is that it's it's that sort of it's not oh aren't I naughty I had a cream cake you know aren't I know it had a cream cake and then I had the other three and then 20 minutes later when like there's even the tiniest amount of space I went out and got some more food you know it's that it's it's I mean it's an addiction there's no other way of putting it it's like having a bottle of vodka then having another bottle of vodka then having another bottle of vodka it's the same thing uh and the second you shine a light on it listen some people listening will will won't believe it exists that's by the way absolutely fine you know it's listen we believe what we believe I'm talking to the people for whom this Behavior might feel familiar that we've got friends or relatives so whom this Behavior might feel familiar it's real you know it's a real thing uh and it's quite hard to get your way out of because you have to eat right but there's ways through it and the first way through it is to shine the light on it and just say oh no no that's uh that's me and to and to try and take that shame away from it a bit when did you realize that it was a in your own words a strange Behavior because I've got a friend who's been through a similar well I've got two friends who've been through very similar things um one of them's I mean they're the two close people and you know I know they've both talked about it very publicly um one of which in a podcast one of which does talks she talks about it all the time on her Instagram and I've the two closest people in my life went through that and if one of them who again she's talked about this publicly um that resulted in bulimia um and a bunch of other very uh destructive eating patterns how did you figure out that that it was different well I think you you can't you know you can you can fool everybody except yourself you know finally and just you know a lifetime you know when I was a kid I would secretly eat and I would find ways to get food and to be you know and my mum would go oh where have all those crisps gone that's weird and you'd be like and you know then she started hiding the Christian places because she thought they kept going missing just every day of every month of every year since then just just hunting down and finding the food that I wanted uh and feeling ashamed about it afterwards so I I knew amongst the success I was having and the friends I had and the lovely time I was having with people I knew I had this weird secret thing that wasn't going away and that made me unhappy and certainly made me unhealthy and that probably at some point I was going to have to do something about but it took it took a long time I'm shocked about how long it took before I finally went do you know what this is I need to do something about it but it's we often understand how normal our behavior is by comparison yeah were people saying things to you like like making little jokes and comments and stuff like that no not really I mean I could tell I was overweight but but like most addicts you know you can it's amazing how secret you can be about things is the truth you know how you can buy things in secret consume them in secret lock yourself away uh you know not be around people just so you can eat um you know and plus of course don't forget you can then go out for a pizza with all your mates who were having their one meal of the day and you've been eating all day but you're thinking great I get to have a pizza as well so you know socially you can eat a lot as well and then go home and eat more and eat more convenience foods and and and what have you um so yeah I always knew I always knew it was I always knew something was wrong but again I think probably I'd added it to the list of things that were weird about me that I'm tall and I can't see and I got this weird food thing so I just thought you know what you're not really fit for this world is the truth you know and you have all of these things that are up with you so I think I just put it in the list of things I wasn't probably I wasn't built to live the life that other people were living and again of course these days you realize everyone is everyone's not built everyone goes home and does something weird not everyone but you know what I mean people so many people have got their thing but I didn't know that in in those days I didn't know I just thought I was uniquely you know not fit for these times being a kid born in the 1970s from a working class background as you've said is you know the idea of therapy that the notion of mental health is quite an alien one so yeah that that day where you decide to make the call to to a therapist what's what's going through your head on that day honestly I was I was I was really ready for it is the truth I wasn't even kind of I wasn't even I was I was praying that it was going to work rather than thinking it wasn't going to work and from the second I walked in this guy called Bruce and he's brilliant and he you know he said talk me through the problem just you know and I said oh blah blah blah this is the problem and I'm you know overreaching but you know maybe it's okay because you know but you know so I was giving it all this and I was saying but actually it's sort of fine because you know I'm I'm doing this and you know I'm uh I can I can control it uh and let me talk for about 10 minutes and he just said um and how's that all working out for you and he thought yeah well you're right it's working out terribly for me and from that moment he had me I just thought okay let's go on this journey and like a personal trainer you just think okay I trust you you know absolutely you've seen it all before uh you understand all of these things you can use my cleverness to your benefits uh and it's just been a I'm so immensely grateful for everything that he's done and the wisdom he's shown me and one of the things I try and do in the books and in everywhere is is try and pass that on because I was lucky enough to be able to afford this guy who's not you know he's not insanely but it's difficult to find a therapist and part of my job is the only bit of wisdom he passes to me is I try and pass on because that's I feel like that's something that I can do and try and give people that the thing that I've been given what are some of those ideas that he those kind of unlocking were there because I'm thinking I assume there was like some bit of Eureka moments where someone says something you've kind of you detailed one there where he says well how's that working out for you yeah were there any like thoughts that he's given you that Bruce has given you that you can that we can all apply to our lives that will help us understand ourselves better or free ourselves from whatever we've imprisoned ourselves with yeah I think I think his key thing is is this idea of Shame and the things that make us feel ashamed uh because here's the thing if you start feeling ashamed you then start feeling ashamed of being ashamed in the same way anyone's ever had a panic attack would tell you you should stop panicking you then Panic about panicking or if you start feeling anxious you're then anxious about your anxiety uh and that's the absolute thing you have to stop that's the cut off so if you're feeling shame or you're feeling Panic or you're feeling anxiety let it be okay stay for a reason it's looked after you for many years okay and that which is another thing you've got to make peace with this way that you've tried to protect yourself through shame or through Panic or anxiety right just let it be what it is and once you do that it burns itself out and listen it'll come back tomorrow and it'll come back the next day but what it doesn't do is spire on a spiral and a spiral and lead you to self-medicate you know if you can just let shame be what it is if you can let panic or anxiety or however you experience what it is however you experience the thing where you just realize that this ain't right you know this is not who I want to be or how I want to be whatever that feeling is for you let it be what it is for a while because it's not going away anytime soon you know if you want regime change right that's slow you know that's that boots on the ground you know it's bit by bit so let it be what it is allow it shine a light on it and he'd always say you know if you're in a moment of Shame and you can become conscious about it in some way right so say I've just eaten some food and I'm feeling ashamed about it because I just sitting there and just thinking that was so dumb why have I done this again uh have a conversation with yourself he said right now that conversation that's you talking to you okay the both of both of those bits are perfectly valid now one bit is the one that's harmful to you that's you and the other bit is the bit that's trying to save you that's you as well and the key thing is is just stop practicing the muscles on the one that's trying to save you you know just give it a bit more Air Time Each time let's give it a few more arguments each time the other one's never going away and it never will any addict to tell you that's never going anywhere it's power and some days it's like so powerful you know but you have to let the other side of the argument you've got to give it some strength you've got to send it to the gym you know and that's that's the thing it's it's saying you're always going to have this right because most people's addictive behaviors or whatever it is come from childhood and come from a self that we built up all almost always to protect ourselves from something okay so you have to love it a bit you have to love this thing that you set up to protect yourself but also you have to talk to it and when you're talking to it you have to understand that there's two sides of yourself and you've got to build up the one that's talking to it you've just got to build it and build it and build it and give it strength and it's hard to do and you'll find different ways of doing it and different people will find different ways but just remembering that the one that's saying hold on maybe I shouldn't have a drink you know that that is equally valid as someone who's saying I should have a drink the one who's saying you should have a drink it's got a point of course it's got a point you know it kind of works for you it numbs things you know listen you wouldn't do it if it hadn't worked you know and you like it uh so that's it's valid but this other one is also valid and maybe maybe listen to it a bit more often and just give it a bit more air time and then over the years you might find that it's got more power than the other one is that what you found yeah I I found it and listen it's really really hard is the truth uh and I get it with alcoholics and drug addicts you you can just cut off drinking booze and and taking drugs it's incredibly difficult and I see the struggles that people have with it and again it's a lifelong thing and every day you think of please today just let me drink today I would love to have a drink you know you'll never meet an alcoholic who wouldn't just love to have a drink today um and with food you do have to eat so you have to you have to put in a slightly more different set of rules but you know you just have to give yourself boundaries and know that you mustn't cross those um those boundaries but yeah I think that honestly shining a light on things is the thing talk to people about it talk to people you love you know you'll be shocked and I was shocked when I opened up to people and the people closest to me I opened up and they went yeah of course of course I know of course I know that uh but once they know about it they can help you know and that's very powerful and it's very very important and then you know it's it's nice for me to be able to speak publicly about it because I do think probably there aren't enough male role models saying that food can be difficult and food can be an issue um and so I'm happy to be one I'm sort of not I'm embarrassed don't get me wrong it's embarrassing for me to talk about I've absolutely put that on the record you know I'd rather not be talking about it but the things that come from it are more powerful and the more I talk about it the less power it has over me and hopefully the more I talk about it the the less parent might have over other people one of the things I've learned from sitting here with with people from all walks of life that have been through a variety of different traumases um I used to think that we could cure this stuff like we could go to therapy we could read this thing read this quote spin around tap our head and it's gone yeah and I've come to learn that that's it's never gone yeah I now I almost feel my head is almost the scales and if you what you're trying to do is in fact make the allow the decision to be made by the the better side yeah but the the trauma or the the beliefs that you've built as a child about the world and yourself and your relationships whatever is always going to be there and it can be triggered and then flared like a flame with oxygen I I think that's it and the key is not to panic when it when it rears its head again the key is never to think oh I'm never going to be rid of it the key is to go oh I'm never going to be rid of it that's the thing as soon as the second you go oh it's always going to be there it's very freeing because you kind of go okay listen every now and again it's going to flare up but I don't need to panic I don't need to go all this work I've done all this work I've done on myself all these books that I've read and it's still there it hasn't gone away and the second you go it's staying right it's like a sofa you don't like in your living room right it's not going anywhere okay you just have to learn to live with it you know sometimes you can look around you don't even notice the sofa anymore and sometimes you go oh my God look at that sofa right it is staying and if if you it gives you a lot of power to know that it's staying and and that when it's in charge which it will be sometimes uh that it's okay just to go now listen just let it let it do its thing and the one thing that that addictive part of your personality wants you to do is panic you know that's the one thing it wants because that's where it thrives you know it thrives on the chaos that's what it wants it wants you to be off balance so you have to sort of occasionally just go I get it you're in charge for a few days or for a week or so or a month uh you do your thing I'm going to try and just live in good faith in the rest of my life and and and just sort of let you burn out 20 years in the in the TV business roughly yeah is it 20 yeah so it was 30 really TV business now which I was sometimes I forget I am that's a long time to be in TV tell me tell me about that phase of your career and really like what it um what I guess the question my the question I wanted to ask you is how come you were so successful in TV and no one ever likes blowing you know smoke up they're an ass or whatever but um you were very very successful you you produced some unbelievable formats that you know go beyond luck or chart you know so in hindsight why why you well I love uh well it's a good question I mean I love and one I feel more comfortable talking about now I've sort of I've sort of stepped off that that Carousel now I think that I loved television you know and I loved seeing what entertained people and I've got quite mainstream tastes so I it was in my DNA I wasn't having to leave University go into television and think right what do people like I never I've never ever ever had to go into work and say what do people like right I sort of know that something I like enough people will like that it's a TV show so I've always loved that I've always loved creativity I've always loved you know sitting down with a pen and paper and knocking things into shape and I've always loved sport and the formats of sport and Knockouts and stuff like that so in Jeopardy that's very very natural to me as well uh but then I also for reasons I've known to me I love sales I love selling you know I absolutely love going and I'm pitching and the thing I love about it is working at what people want and why uh and how they're going to respond and how to give them the thing that they want and so that combination of I would come up with things I was proud of uh and then I would try and sell them and you know that's the thing that's the thing that that I love if I've had any success it's been thinking of ideas that I would like to watch and then packaging them in such a way that someone at Channel 4 or the BBC will give you four million quid for it which is a big ask you know selling a TV show is quite a big ask it's like being a car salesman you know you don't need to sell that many cars to be successful you know and the TV is the same way you've just got to make sure that you've got the best car out there uh and so yeah I think I think a mix of the introversion of loving sitting down and working things out and working out formats and then the the extra version of being able to say to people I think this is really going to work for your channel you know those two things together have always driven me I'm creatively I'm incredibly ambitious I love to create new things and in business terms I'm also incredibly ambitious which is I like to build value and I like to make money for people there's two thoughts there which in my head almost sit in Conflict one of them is I make things that I would love to watch and then figuring out what other people want well that's the thing is I've never really I've never bothered thinking about what what people want and I think the second you do that that's a lie actually when so in endemall which which I ran with with a group of people for many years after big brother and various things there was a point probably sort of 2006 2007 where we got so huge and so powerful that we could sort of sell anything if that makes sense or not that we could send anything but people are so desperate to have product from us that they were buying substandard things so you know there's a couple of times where I went in and we sold shows that actually I was thinking I don't know about this and it's very rare that I would go to a pitch meeting thinking I don't know about this one but they would buy it in the room and then you go and then you've got to make it and guess what it's really hard to make because no one cares no one watches it because they can tell it's not doesn't come from anyone's heart so you don't get a second series and TV business is all about second series and third series you make no money from from the first series so I've definitely been in rooms where I picked stuff that I didn't care about uh but every time this and you can't you really care about and you can sell and then you will give it your absolute best shot making it because I sort of I know how to make it because this this is the thing I want to watch it was like books I wrote books that I would like to read that I didn't see out there and with TV programs it's just oh my God you'd have an idea in the morning just go I would love to watch that I would love to watch that then you sit down you Workshop it you work it out and then you go and Pitch it and you know that was my entire career I never really got involved too much in the in the in in the in the real business side side of things and you know in exploitation and rights and foreign sales and distribution and all of that I was just sat in a creative Hub really just coming up with ideas just sort of feeding the engine and I was able to do it because I was sort of be doing it anyway I would be I would sit at home and do that if I wasn't in that office I would be thinking this is a thing I would love to see on TV and I was just lucky enough to be in an environment where I could have an idea on a Tuesday and we could set it on a Thursday and it comes from I loved it but the second the second new second guess yourself or the public I'll go what would people like I don't I don't buy it I don't buy it when people write books like that I don't buy it when people make TV programs like that and I'm surrounded by people in that industry early on not so much at Enderman where we were TV lovers but earlier on where I was it was full of people who were just in it for the lifestyle and it didn't watch Telly there's people even now who don't watch Telly you just think come on do something else what is creativity to you then so so you know you've described a few things there but what at its Essence what is creativity and how does one can one go about being more creative or becoming more creative yeah it's it's a it's a tricky one that because it's always it's it's always just been the way that my brain has worked I was talking to um husband of a friend of mine who's a who's a who's A working class french guy who is a maths genius this case I grew up in the bandure of Paris uh and at about 11 years old gets plucked out of the school system and taken to this like a call for mathematicians because he's a genius and since has made a fortune in the city right there's algorithms right that's it's in trading algorithms right because it's the maths uh as I was talking to him I hope we were on holiday recently and I said um so you just you come up with stuff that's new that other people haven't spotted it's like he's yeah he does a French I won't do his accent it's very almost comically French uh and he was saying yeah that's that's exactly what I do and I say how do you experience that I said because I know how I experience it and I experience it there's five or six clouds of things going around the outside of my head at any given time something I've Just Seen On TV something I just read in the newspaper something something somebody said to me something my mum said to me uh something that's happened at home five different things and occasionally two of those things will bump into each other and you go whoa I never thought of that before and so without saying that I said how do you experience creativity and he said well I just I got all these Concepts sort of they sort of rush around the outside of my head and occasionally two of them will bump into each other or three of them are bump into each other and suddenly I've got something new and that's how I've always experienced creativity now is that useful to people I don't know other than to say keep your eyes open and your ears open all the time and be listening to the world just see how the world is spinning see how it's working and sometimes there is if you're in TV it's seeing how a particular television program works that's sort of a very direct bit of copying but almost always it's then you're on the bus and someone says something to their kid or someone's late for school and they're running and you kind of go wait a minute that reminds me of something so it's it's eyes open ears open all the time and just let allow things to bump into each other I would say there's a point there's another piece there which I've just noticed from you saying this which is I love the analogy of the clouds so I was thinking okay so I need more clouds in my life which is more points of inspiration and then the second thing is well there's loads of people have got loads of clouds but they don't have the intent to connect the clouds which is like you have a uh you've designed a life where you have you actually have commitments to make the to when the clouds bounce to turn it into something a lot of people's clouds are bouncing and they're just going oh look the clouds just hit each other yeah I think that's probably I've never thought about I think that's incredibly wise two different things here firstly increase the number of clouds yeah which is increase the amount of people if you want to be creative by the way you don't have to be it's overrated uh but increase the amount of clouds increase the data points that are coming into you you know the people you're seeing or you know just go and do something different go and learn Japanese whatever it is something that gives you a different cloud and then yeah it's I guess yeah professionally they've had to be bumping into each other for month for my whole life so it's completely natural to me but yeah if you can force yourself sometimes to to to sort of think of the things that have gone around you here think of the things that happened to you today think of the things you watch think about a film you just saw and why you liked it or a film you just saw and why you didn't like it you know think about an argument you just had with your mum and what she said and why it's annoying uh and you know it's the same argument you keep having is there any way of fixing that in a different way to just keep those clouds going and then you know occasionally let them just sort of intersect and that's yeah I think by and large that's where ideas come from you know and it's you talk about it a lot on this podcast as well hard work is also a thing yeah you know actually putting the hours in you know it's all very well to go oh and they just had the idea on the bus and then I came in but you only have the idea on the bus because you spent four hours the previous day with a blank piece of paper in the office just saying oh God I got nothing you know because that's dislodging so many things in your head so you yeah you you have to you have to work on it and then okay recently occasionally the gods give you a little gift I've thought so much you know because I think um I think we're all artists in some respect in our own way whether it's blogging or DJing or if it's writing or making TV I think that and I also think expression is it's almost therapy for us yeah so I really I really I've got behind this idea over the last year of like we all have our own form of Art and when we express ourselves it's good for our minds so the the advantage that I think me and you've both had is we've been in careers where that art has been monetized or there's been a real reward for it so it comes so there's an incentive to drive it out of us but if you're for someone driving a lawyer up and down this country or walking the dog this morning before they go and you know go and go and work their job in a factory or you know I see all of the tags we get on a Monday when the episodes come out how do they go about creating that incentive to to when the clouds to connect to turn it into something or to even write it on a piece of paper you know yeah you you're quite right we both have very short routes to monetization yeah but I sense that's important to both of us yeah as well and so we we've probably sort that out you know and found found a career where that where that happens and it's interesting if you're a lorry driver the greatest invention of the 20th century the thing that changed the world more than any other invention is the Lorry driver who when he was sort of dropping off his load at the docks in Boston and you know he's got all the kind of stevedores taking everything out the back of his uh you know Lorry and then putting it in another sort of a big container to put on the ship just went what if the container on the back of my lorry was the same container that went on the ship you know and what if you take that off and you take the container from the ship and you put it back on my Lorry and then I drive it back down to San Francisco what if you did that and he invented the technology for you know the container crates as we see them now and opened up all of World Trade right that's one Lorry driver just having one idea on one day you know and absolutely change the world so there's no Industries where you can't be creative because if you're a lorry driver you really really know your business right and you know uh what causes delays you know when your work is harder you know the five minutes you can knock off here there or the other you know when you turn up at a place the paperwork you have to go through you know that three of those forms could be two forms you know you know that if people knew you were arriving 10 minutes earlier you could leave half an hour earlier because you know break patterns can be changed you know all of that stuff and so work on that if that's the industry you want to stay in and if you want to make TV programs or write books or write Social Media stuff then just consume it a lot you know and I just think you can only be creative in an area you're interested in that's the truth you cannot be creative in an area not interested it just doesn't that's not how creativity works because creativity has to sort of be buzzing around all the time and be and be curious so work out what it is you're interested in and then surround yourself with it as much as you can it's hard with you if you're if the area you're interested in is not your job because that's something you have to do in your own time but if it's something you're serious about and you're curious about and you have the abilities then just yeah think about exactly what you said which is intent which is surrounding yourself by by more things uh and then you know making those connections the the intentionality I'm always trying to understand because it links back to what you've done with your books which have been just the most insane Smash Hit I've ever encountered in the studio um with with TV formats how intentional how much is there sort of I don't even know if intentionalities but intentionality versus like um luck and chance and Serendipity yeah because you've seen this for your entire career yeah so how much can you predict the success of these things oh you can never predict funny enough deal on ideal which you just mentions the only show where after the pilot I thought this was a hit I thought there's no way this show is not going to be a hit and it was a huge hit but it's the only time and there's been shows I've done before where I think oh this has got a good chance and they've disappeared and shows where I thought I don't know about this and they've been huge you know you can't tell at all and that's why it's important to trust yourself and do stuff that you love so the intentionality is that if I put a lot of work into something and a book is the hardest I've ever worked on anything if I put a lot of work on something I want the upside if it works to be you know I want there to be an upside if it works you know I want if I do this properly I want there to be no limit to what can happen with it you know because I like output for in you know if I put in input I like output to come out and with TV it's sort of easier because as I say you can you can invent something on Tuesday and set it on Thursday with a book you've got to spend two years and so all the way through I sort of thought if I do this well I think this has got a chance so my my sort of creative mainstream brain was thinking that I wasn't thinking I need to make it more like this I need to make it more like that I 100 wrote the book I wanted to write but as I was writing I think you know if you do this properly if this property hits then people will really like it uh if no one had bought a single copy or if I'd showed it to an agent and she just said this is not for us that would have been fine too by the way because I'd written it and that's creativity in and of itself is is a thing you know you can paint painting in your attic and it's like the Mona Lisa because you did it but the fact that when it did come out people liked it was uh yeah that I'd say was a huge bonus I read a quote and it said um there's a reason why great um great books become blockbuster movies but blockbuster movies never become great books and he says one of them is written by committee and one of them is written by a solo author with their own ideas and Inspirations and I remember thinking that [ __ ] that's so true yeah that's interesting JK Rowling yourself you know yeah and Bill bug bought your book he has bought the book yeah what the rights of the book I hope you bought the actual book as well you never know uh no it's true and listen publishing is a very interesting industry having come out of Television I know you had a big hit book and it's a very very this is mine was a pebble in the ocean but it's an interesting industry and if you bring any sales techniques into the world of books it's like I think there's a slight shock to their system and and and and it's a very very you know I love it it's such a nice kind friendly industry but you know I come at it from a TV angle which is you know I'm TV you look at the overnight service and there's millions and you know that's what I've always judged things on and and and and in books it's a slightly different market so I've loved being able to apply some of the things I know and some of the techniques I know so the book itself listen like with anything you have to be proud of it and I'm so proud of these books I love them okay that's the that's the absolute base point of all of this but once we've got that I've loved the selling process which I think a lot of authors don't love I love it I love the marketing process I've got something I'm really proud of I want as many people as possible to read it that's what I want I want as many people as possible to enjoy this book I want to entertain as many people as possible uh and that's a process that I've loved and a process I think publishing is not quite set up for is the truth and it's it's been fun sort of find it finding a way through that and when you wrote this book you didn't you wrote it all before you'd showed anybody from what I understand yeah the first book yeah the first one because well because only because I'm on telly and you know that thing of celebrity authors and you know it'll be easy to write a chapter and say would you like to publish it and of course it would you know because then again you don't have to sell a whole lot of books to make make a profit in that industry so I thought I thought I think that they would just say yes and I wouldn't have any clue if it's any good so I I wrote the whole thing just to because I wanted to prove that it was a good book sent it to an agent who I trust very very much who comes from a very similar background to me uh and I said listen you've got to look me in the whites in the eyes and tell me would you represent this book if I wasn't on TV and she said listen I would 100 easy for her to say but she did uh and then before just as it was going out to um the Publishers in the UK we sold it immediately in Germany right and Germany is a big Market Germany they love crime fiction and from that moment I just thought oh okay I can now I sort of believe I liked the book but of course you know well sometimes I hated it and sometimes I liked it but I thought I think it's got something but the second Germany bought it in Germany I have no idea who I am do you know couldn't care less who I am and they bought the book just on the strength of the manuscript and I thought from that moment do you know what everything now I'm just gonna go full steam ahead because someone who doesn't know I'm a celebrity has just bought this book and it's probably and it's been top 10 in Germany for like two years it's like it's like non-stop out there and they don't know who I am I'll go out there and do press and they're like they have no idea who Am they just know the books uh and yeah so I was glad that I kept it secret because I never had that worry of are people just publishing this because of who I am because I I could see straight away from other territories that people who had no idea who I am and Spielberg again within I mean with only literally only just sold in so you know there'd be no hoopla no announcements and he bought the rights immediately because he'd read it and liked it and he didn't know who I was so that from that moment I just thought I have the right now to really put my foot down on the accelerator and and sell this because I because I because I believe in it you said sometimes you loved it sometimes you hated it you talk to me about doubt and as it relates to your creative work of your career generally well I think I think I mean anyone who's sitting at home and writing a book right now uh you know half the time you're just thinking what is this this is absolute nonsense or you know this is that wouldn't happen or you just no one's going to be interested in this story um and you know I still think I thought it would book two and book three both when they came out I just thought oh no I think maybe you lost it and then the reaction is is sort of reassures you uh each time um listen I'll lose it at some point um yeah it's it's it's impossible to to you know I'll read it I'll read back scenes the next day and you know something will make me cry I'll make me laugh or there'll be a nice line I think oh that that's that's something but you're so close to a book that if you were thinking it was good something's up you know you have to think it's awful because you know it's like it's never going to be the the beautiful shiny thing that's in your head you know when when I'm writing the fourth one at the moment and in my head I know that I know the story and it's so you would not believe how gleaming it is and how intricate and beautiful and like perfectly crafted and toned it is and I know that the thing I handed in what I handed will not be that you know because there'll be compromises and they'll make mistakes and there'd just be stuff that's wrong so I'll always be comparing it to the thing that's in my head you know and everyone every writer in their head has the perfect novel it's all up there and the thing you you you you give is is not that thing but the key with the key with novels I think is if people are engaged with your characters and love your characters and the nice thing isn't that this but people people the characters speak to people which is which is great if people love your characters then the rest is just craft the rest is just getting the story down you know the rest is just sort of putting them on a journey because the people that love your characters and they care what happens to them so you can make stuff happen then and you know that the stuff that you make happen people will care about quick one I'm both extremely honored and excited to announce our brand new sponsor for this podcast American Express I pretty much use my American Express business Platinum Card daily so many benefits it comes everywhere with me it's an absolute no-brainer there's now a new range of benefit the first benefit is that you get 10 000 bonus points each month on top of what you're already earning when you spend ten thousand pounds per month and those points are then exchanged for rewards for anything from holidays to flights to Tech to designer purchases and finally the one that's had a real impact for me and our team is you can make use of their company expense management tool Amex expense it's free to use Simple to set up and even integrates with your accounting software which our finance team are very happy about so with that said if you'd like to find out more about how you can get hold of American Express's business platinum card then search American Express business platinum card and if you've already got a business Platinum Card let me know how you get on when you look back at this success of this book we talked earlier about these clouds that you kind of piece together what are the clouds that you connected in order to produce this book yeah it's well a number a number of classes a love of crime fiction that's a good that and that just sort of vibe that idea that I sort of love a puzzle and I think so just that's that kind of thing of that that's an itch that's kind of thing I would I would like to do it then I had um an idea about a a former civil servants pulling off a massive bank heist uh and there was a former civil servant who who worked in a very boring job in the civil service but it was so boring that people assumed that uh he was a spy because no one's job can be that boring so you work in Whitehall I bet you're a spy and he wasn't he was just a logistics guy and so I had that idea and I'd had it for ages just this older guy who've got this plan that he wanted to to pull off and then my mum lives in a retirement community Retirement Village down in Sussex and I was just down there and just looking around I think I said well this would be an amazing place for a murder you know like Agatha christie-esque and suddenly those things have look you want to write a book and you had that idea about that the Silverstone all sort of spy who had this sort of big plan and then you thought ah there's this there's this place and this group of people that they're they're all a bit older and this place would be perfect for a murder and then in that Community they have every day there's all sorts of different clubs this French conversation Club on a Tuesday you know Wednesday art history and literally the name Thursday Murder Club came into my head with another the cloud all the clouds come together they go into your brain and you just think okay let's start tomorrow because when the clouds come together in the right way when the things connect together in the right way you sort of it's interesting you sort of you kind of press your foot down like to see if it holds it's like it's like a sort of plank of wood has suddenly appeared underneath you or like a little rope Bridge has appeared and you sort of tread on the first plank of word you think oh that's quite solid that plank of wood and then you step on the next one you think oh that's solid and you step on the next one and most ideas by the third or fourth plank your foot goes through they think oh yeah of course I can't do that because XYZ but sometimes and you'll have experienced this sometimes you keep walking on the planks of wood and you're like I mean these are these are sodded all the way to the other side this feels like I'm going to walk across this bridge you know I'm just gonna I'm gonna take up the chance I'm gonna walk across this bridge and you know that that's that that's what happened really and that's that's how and that also is how I experience new ideas and creativity is that the idea of you just try and put a bit of weight on them and it holds you put a bit more weight and it holds and you know if it keeps holding then it's it's worth persevering with I've been through a really interesting um Journey with some of my ideas where I've thought of an idea tested the planks all very solid I've got very close to doing it and then my gut has just gone down to it because like you know yeah and then I've had obviously as I said many other ideas where I've had an idea that wake up the next day I think oh God get that on the shelf and it's funny you know it's funny how you can go on a quite an emotional Journey a conviction Journey with an idea and at the very last minute you can go do you know something's just not right here but I'll tell you the other reason for that I think is because you because you have walked the walk and you've built businesses and you know you know what it takes you also sort of know if you press the green light on an idea amen there's a huge amount of work ahead of you and responsibility and you sometimes you just think I am not prepared to do that there's not enough upside in this for me creative or whatever it is for me to do it uh and that's the same I know for example that idea like a novel I knew two years before I wanted to write it but I just didn't I knew I didn't have the I knew what it would take and with the social media idea I know at the moment it would be all consuming and that's not where I am you nailed it that's exactly what what happens I get right to the point of pressing the button and then I'm staring the cost in its face the cost I've known so well yeah this thought of okay this is going to be five years and everything which and when I think of cost now I think okay that means my relationship with my partner is going to get something can be worse relationship with my friends getting worse all my businesses are going to see less of me and is that really worth it and what is the upside there yeah but it's exactly that but again that's not something you worry about at 21 at 21 you just think you're great Bring it on Bring it on and now you you know you have the luxury of you know you and that's the idea thing about having 10 ideas the sooner or later one will come along you just think hold on I really like it it feels monetizable it's not going to take up a massive amount of my time because of the way it's structured and you know my my relationship will will survive and my friendship will survive and I've still got this thing that I'm gonna love and you just you just have to sit and wait for that idea to come along because you know you can't no one wants no one wants to be that guy is working 24 hours a day their whole life because it's honestly the truth is it's not that hard to succeed if you're willing to you know do everything and to work 24 hours you know it's not is doable with an idea and hard work but that's not that's not how your life should be so the success of this book you know there's there's a monetary element to it you're not you don't have an expensive taste so that's not really moved you much there's the the kind of validation of your own create singular Creative Vision which has been validated sincerely how has it impacted your happiness at all um I think you know what I think it's I think it's a reflection of my happiness rather rather than a sort of a source of my happiness I think it's a book that I have only been able to write from a happy place and from a place where I feel comfortable with my demons and comfortable with myself and uh you know I think it comes from that so you know the characters uh the four main characters all of him are sort of like quadrants of my own brain uh I think you can tell that I love those characters and they love each other and that's probably not something I could have written 10 15 years ago that comes from happiness or it comes from it comes from self-acceptance you know it comes from I am there's bits of myself I'm very prepared to sort of put out there uh uh to entertain and to to you know uh so I think I think it's I think it comes from happiness rather than being the source of it uh obviously it brings me an enormous amount of joy and it's a load of fun and it's fun that it's a hit in other countries so you get to go abroad and you know talk to them about it and you know uh that's fun but yeah and you know in this book the third one there's you know there's there's lots of there's there's lots of love there and I'm getting married this year and so it's it's all little things where you just think the books listen they're crime stories so there's murders and they're you know this you know this red herrings and there's Clues and all sort of stuff so that that sort of it's got that Agatha Chris thing but the spirit of the book is hopefully a spirit that can that can only come from having you know having found some happiness with yourself what what is happiness to you because it's such a it's such a small simple word to describe so much yeah and it's yeah it's it's a it's a really tricky one I'm the key thing is is to know that you can't be happy all the time you know it's not like a kind of you wake up every morning with a huge smile on your face you know there's still going to be parking tickets you know and the drains are still going to be blocked you know and there's so that you know there's just there's always going to be trouble I think it's a I think it's a am I am I content with myself um am I when I sort of close the door and I'm with either my partner or by myself do I feel contentment do I feel there's a nagging I think I've had years and most people do just there's nagging questions all the time it's just something or something's not right or am I in the right place or uh and just that feeling that no hold on I think I think I'm in the right place which I think you have when you're a really little child and I think probably we lose over the years and if we're very very lucky um and yeah you have to fight to regain that which is I feel happy and safe and secure and that I'm in the right place are there any questions still for oh goodness yeah of course there are I mean my one you know I I want I've always as I say because I don't see so well and because I'm tall I've always been a Observer of life I've always been an outsider but I've never really got my hands dirty is the truth uh and you know I see I see the problems of the world and I you know I I try and help financially and all that kind of stuff I try and do good things you know I've never really got my hands dirty and I think probably in the next decade I should get my hands dirty a little bit um you know just helping and you know making people's lives a little bit easier uh that's the thing and that's the thing I've always been frightened of uh well because because uh you know I've I never really took part in life quite so much as other people because of my height and because of my eyesight because all of those things I always felt I needed to be on the sidelines and I needed to just commentate and I've been very really happy doing that by the way I'm an introvert I love I love I love to do it but I do think you have a responsibility to leave the world a better place and you found it listen there's not much point to us being here but if we've got anything is to do that is to sort of say well look for whatever reason I was put on this Earth You know the one thing I can do is try and leave it in a better State and so that that's I think my the question for the next 10 20 years that sort of service what can I do how can I help what about any personal questions you have about yourself and your your um you know you've talked a lot about not feeling especially when you were younger not feeling like you were right for the wild or that you fit in the world do you have any of those personal questions left remaining no I think you know I do think that I'm probably not quite fit them right for the world but I think lots of us do I think that's the that's the thing you know the world is a it's a weird place I mean it's weird that we're here right I mean it's odd right it's peculiar and it doesn't make it it makes no sense we can look for a higher purpose if we want and that's great but even with that it's weird right and it's weird that we have this civilization it's weird that we have this Consciousness it's weird that we're millions and billions of people around the globe or you know in different countries all thinking slightly different things with slightly different consciousnesses it's weird you know it's it life makes no sense uh and so the key is to stop trying to find the answer to what is life because that's not something you're ever going to find uh and and I think the question is is is how can I you know how can I help either how can I help if you find yourself in a position of power or how can I ask for help if you find yourself in a position where you don't have power and those are two very difficult things to do these are questions that I I think could only come from an introvert yeah I think that's I think I think that's probably I I think I'm quite an alpha introvert I will say that uh but yeah listen I I love going home and shutting the door and that's my favorite thing family at home two kids yeah well they're not at home anymore yeah yeah early twenties yeah 24 and 22. wow yeah crazy right do you ever worry that because of that uh that what happened with your father that you're I'm you talked about your your first marriage didn't work out do you ever have concerns or worries like because I often wondered when we've had like somewhat dysfunctional homes how we then either continue the cycle or sometimes it seems that people go very much the opposite way and really put measures in place to make sure they are the exact opposite the antithesis of the experience they had have you found yourself reacting when you know you became a dad to yourself yeah I mean listen I I obviously I I did the same thing my dad did so I carried on the circle but with the intention of breaking the cycle I mean that's the point I'm gonna listen our intentions are one thing what actually happens is is something else and again because I think I was on a fault line I think anything I'd chosen to do in my 20s it would have collapsed you know um but you know I have a relationship with my kids that I didn't have with my father and there I love them and they're hilarious and they're brilliant and I love what they do for a living and that's all wonderful um yeah you can know you can you can be held prisoner by trying to fix the sins of your childhood it's the truth because here's the truth you know you're never going to fix them right they're not you're not going to fix them you know you you need to build something for yourself and I think by sort of thinking no I want a family because I wasn't able to fix mine you know so I'm gonna make sure that this next Generation I fix it in the next generation and of course it's doomed to failure you know you're not gonna you're not gonna create the thing you wanted to create I think um so yeah you just have to uh you just have to you know whatever happened to you and whatever you're trying to prove you saw you sort of have to just you have to kind of do something for yourself not not to react against other people I think not in a search for justice or yeah but of course you search for justice and I might you know but I was of course I searched for justice and and yeah and I was such I was certainly to fix things and I you know I was not able to do either and neither would I ever be able to but but in order to try and do it yeah I you know I I made my own mistakes you're getting married this year yeah December December yeah it's exciting in it for me no it was nice it was nice to read read that you're getting married this year um I've been thinking a lot lately talking to all my best friends about this idea of like one partner for life and I'm going back and forth I'll be honest with you because I'm here to be honest I wasn't you know I got girlfriend she's upstairs but um I was an um I was on don't tell her this I was on she might listen you know she probably will but she um I'd say the same thing honestly she can listen to you all day I don't I think there's so many podcasts I don't know if she actually yeah listens to them so exactly because we record for sale I was on Google this weekend looking at chimpanzees mating patterns because I'm trying to figure out I'm trying to come to my own this is great listen I hope she looks Google history is again wow chimpanzee mating please this guy loves me I'm trying to figure out if because they've got like 99 the same DNA as us yeah they stick around with the same partner forever or if they mate within groups yeah what's your take on this I know this is such an obscure question to ask what's your take on whether we're meant to be with one person for the rest of our lives uh listen I'm sure some people are not meant to be with one person but it's very very hard to do that and not hurt people and so if you decide if you genuinely decide I am not made for that right enough of this human beings aren't monogamous right forget that because lots of us are right so forget it right if you're not made for it if you don't want to be monogamous right take responsibility for that and taking responsibility for that means not hurting other people and it means not being in a relationship with someone who thinks that that is uh a prospect or a possibility uh and an awful lot of people take that get out thing of I just don't think is it natural I don't think it's natural and if you think it fine right don't impose it on everyone else don't impose it on the women you're with don't compose it on Partners you know let them be who they want to be because it really suits a lot of people very very well I'm in this relationship now that I pray with all my heart lasts forever I'm absolutely certain it will because we're made for each other completely made for each other uh and lots of other people at home will tell you that as well and lots of people say they're in the wrong relationship but don't universalize it don't say oh listen everyone should just chill out you know like we should we all have multiple partners it's just it's the Natural Way listen I've been Googling chimpanzees listen this cool uh you know that's all fine but it's you right it's your responsibility and if you're not ready to do it okay you've got to stop wasting people's time uh and perhaps when you are ready to do it you'll be like okay this is I mean my heart was so was so ready and open when I met Ingrid my partner and Hurst was as well and you know we both had our Misadventures that's the truth you know we really have uh and but we absolutely were both ready and you know perhaps you're not ready to be monogamous at certain ages you know perhaps you're not but you have got to stop putting it on other people and stop putting on chimpanzees and just say what am I what am I prepared to do and perhaps there's compromise you know perhaps there is sacrifice perhaps you perhaps that's something that you know you'll measure against other things in the in the you know and and you'll feel that you don't want to sacrifice and don't want to compromise but don't for a single second say as human nature it's not as you making a definitive decision and a definitive time in your life you know it's it's that's such good advice and I think I needed to hear that but part of it is because and I've said this in the last two episodes or so as it's been friend of mine for me is seeing of my close six best friends total failure and relationships over and over again and me me being earlier in in that and going why why 50 of these things breaking if I've gone to a shop and bought a TV and the guy said oh by the way there's a 50 chance that's not gonna last yeah probably wouldn't have bought the TV yeah but at the same time you spend years coming out with creative ideas and you know 50 of them will fail but you do them anyway you know it's not a TV you know it's a it's a life and actually 50 that's not the worst bet in the world obviously for 50 chance of lifelong happiness I mean you'd take that bit wouldn't you but also you know yeah you know you know by and large you know so the the odds can certainly in your favor and it's uh you know I always the best dating thing anyone ever said to me that's true for politicians and all sorts of things they say literally the first date is when people tell you who they are and then everything after that is back pedaling so on your first date with your partner you would have told her who you were and what you want from life and where you want to be and ever since then you've been back pedaling or saying oh actually no actually now I think about it I want this but you know listen listen to what someone told you on the first date you know that's who they are and that's what they want what other than the story lines and yeah um The Narrative and everything that's in this book what are the very fundamental level do you hope that this particular book the third the third installment is doing for the reader at a very fundamental yeah level well you know my job is always entertainment you know that's my thing and um in this book honestly it's the very Act of of starting the next chapter that's that's that's what that's what I aim for you know you finish one chapter you think I have I've got to read the next one I want people to start a long playing Journey thinking oh god I've got eight hours and at the end of it going oh my God that's great I got to read that whole book you know I want people at night to go and just give me one more chapter I just want to read one more chapter uh and I want people at the end just to go do you know what that was a thumping good read you know that really really entertained me um I'm gonna tell my friends about it that's the thing you notice about I mean it's so true in your business but in books as well everything is after the first little initial flush everything is Word of Mouth yeah everything you know and these but every it's like people telling people telling people telling people and if you've got the right product then you know it spreads because people tell their friends but I wanna All I Wanna Do Is entertain people you know I'm not I'm not going to be you know Shakespeare you know I want to give people a great read that entertains them that makes them laugh that makes them cry I want underground work out who the murderer is uh you know that's what I want their light their lives to be minuscularly improved by having read the book Richard as you know we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest asks a question for the next guest right and I only get to see it when we open the book so here we go what was the most valuable lesson you've learned in the last year and why oh who's that question from can't tell you oh it is part of the mystery oh that's right what's the most valuable lesson I learned in the last year gosh that's a good question um I think that uh I'm talking about my my kids my my son was working at wagamama and hated it hated it it wasn't well treated is my view uh really didn't enjoy it but he's a grafter uh and he's now working at a at a computer games Museum which is like so far up history it's amazing uh and I think the lesson that I've learned is I should have said to him two months before he quit you should just quit this is not do you know what this is not making you happy they're not looking after you this is not you you know and I know working hard is important but you have got to quit and go and do something else it's the truth and I think if you're not being looked after and you're not enjoying yourself and you don't see this is a path to riches you're allowed to just say I need to find a workplace where I'm respected which is what he's done now Richard thank you thank you for your time and thank you for um you know you've done so many amazing things in your career especially on you know TV for the first sort of 20 20 30 years of your career but um writing a book that has touched so many people in such profound way that is in every corner of the world that you wrote yourself as you've said it takes Word of Mouth to make a book reach these Heights and that in and of itself is a testament of how amazing profound resonant these books are on so many levels so it's an inspiration to me you know I was I got so because I'm writing a book at the moment with penguin understanding especially the the create the creative Journey how you write where you write the discipline that it's also excruciatingly painful to you and you describe it as a marathon has inspired me so much and there's something really really special I think in throughout this book but also just the way that you create in trusting yourself yeah and really in building anything it's like what you said earlier about make something that you would love yeah sometimes in my life I've not done that and it's never gonna ever works right and that's really sort of made me reorientate myself towards focusing on that that true alignment in my creativity in what I'm building in my work so thank you for that um I I think people are gonna absolutely love this book well I know that for a fact to be honest um and I hope to be back here with you someday and have continue this conversation thank you Stephen my pleasure [Music] foreign [Music]

Channel: The Diary Of A CEO

Views: 758,184

Keywords: The Diary Of A CEO, steven bartlett steve bartlett, podcast, the diary of a CEO podcast, life lessons, CEO

Id: kXGYIFuQ2Es

Length: 96min 3sec (5763 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 20 2022