r/FatPeopleStories - He's not Fat... He's "Macho"...

what's up guys welcome to daily dose of reddit this is your host zach and today's subreddit is our slash fat people stories all right this story is called burt and ernie and the three tubby trolls a rock opera part one i forgot all this happened till my date appearing in part three asked me why bert smiles when he sees me then i realized there was a whole saga for you to enjoy here's the cast iron skillet there's me mid-thirties five foot two 115 pounds on holiday in europe and going to christmas parties and rock shows attending club shows on a cruise boat be ernie six foot six singer in band bubbly witty outgoing wrangles all the people let's go sign some autographs bert yay be bird five foot five in boots guitarist in band quiet chain smoker wrangles tech and logistics but never people screw you ernie i'm going home don't be the three ungrateful tubby trolls pork knuckles endocrine disorder and coke beard all are six foot plus and they are round their unwashed cargo shorts are held up with rope because no studded belt is big enough to circle their massive waddling frames they wear grubby black fingerless gloves and faded black cotton tents for t-shirts sweat-stained hats they've never washed and have patchy neck beards they ooze grease there is visible dandruff in food stains they are dedicated groupies and go to most of burt and ernie shows and they like to do coke mid-concert don't be the orchapod five to six women aged 20 to 40 around 5 foot 4 to 7 and 250 plus pounds each like orcas they hunt in a pack can't see around them can't see over them once upon a time burt and ernie threw a weekend of holiday concerts on a small party boat one thousand tickets max i showed up fun is had music is played ernie warns everyone to leave bird alone burt's factory setting is grumpy but now he's also ill and is making it through the show on dayquil and willpower most people in western europe are taller than me but it was mystifying how many women at this show in this nation of lean babes were also heavier than me a lot heavier gasping and struggling to waddle up the gangplank heavier hams coming out of the woodwork but hey everyone is my friend until proven otherwise and the band is really laid back and welcoming so i bet these women are nice too right right oh i was wrong a couple of songs into the show i'm joined by a most enormous young man he has cannonballed his way through the crowd and rolled to a halt next to me right next to me everyone in the club is taller than me and wider than me that's life but now i'm stuck my entire side is smushed up against the majestic gelatinous squishy mass of coke beard and as the club warms up and the head banging proceeds he begins to sweat and sweats some more rancid sweat soaks through his shirt and into mine coke beard is joined by his equally huge friends endocrine disorder and pork knuckle lighter folks are rammed aside feet are trot upon and views are obstructed they snort some coke and begin bouncing off each other like giant jello salads every few minutes they run out of beer or pretzels and one shoves himself all the way back out of the pit to get more the entire evening is a food relay race the trolls are plowing back and forth clutching six beers each trip spilling drinks and food on people as the rest of the crowd attempts to ignore the disruption we were at an exclusive show that sold out 10 months ago and all the trolls can think about is food food more food beer and occasionally coke a pile of their discarded bits of pretzels fries paper food trays and napkins begins to pile up around my ankles there's a deposit on drinks so fistfuls of beer cups are ferried back and forth to ensure they get their money back more sweat more jiggling there is no escape by the time it's over my shirt is soaked through in tripping with coke beard's greasy sweat and his spilled beer and i'm sprinkled with pretzel salt i go to the head i don't have room in my tiny suitcase for club clothes so i'm the plainest woman there black pants and a black long sleeve shirt no fancy makeup no nail polish nothing the orca pod who i have only glimpsed before now are packed into the ladies room they're decked out in goth finery buckles and lace and ducks and huge flouncy skirts black lipstick and enormous straining corsets they're grumbling that the stalls are too small for them to fit in and there are too many groupies and not enough long time fans in the crowd dirty groupies everywhere who just want to screw the band they all go silent and glare at me and a couple of other much taller skinny chicks at the sink i wish we could get rid of these floozies the only tits hanging out here are the size of flotation devices and they belong to the orcas i make nice pretend i don't understand what they're saying and squeeze out past them before someone rips my earrings off and stuffs me in a toilet burt and ernie go straight to their hotel to sleep and i go to mine to scrub coke beard sweat out of my clothes the trolls and orcas get on face page they are peeved that ernie didn't spend time with them and that bert was nowhere to be seen after the show they feel the band is ungrateful to their fans they bombard bert ernie and the band's page ernie responds sweetly that he is old and creaky and felt an urgent need to sleep so that he could entertain them all over again the very next day bert ignores them the second show rolls around and i stand to one side in the back where the trolls won't sweat on me and the orcas won't punch me after the show ernie is roaming around taking pictures and singing every damn thing anyone shoves in his face i get distracted on the smoking balcony having a chat and when i open the door to leave i discover i can't leave it's a small boat and the tiny hallway to the exit is stoppered up tight by ernie taking photos with fans the trolls sweaty and crummy have surrounded ernie and are demanding multiple post photos each and signed everything's they gush about how long they've been fans and how nice it is that the band is playing club shows again for their real fans they have brought along a plastic garbage bag full of stuff to sign i wait around for like 10 minutes no dice the fat burgs ain't moving without a roto-rooter roto-rooter what the orca pod is clustered around something which turns out to be bert he looks happy as a wet owl in the selfies they're taking with him and is clutching a box of kleenex he too has discovered that ernie and the trolls are blocking the exit and the door to the dressing room it's getting claustrophobic orca trolls or germs germs it is burt thanks the orca pod for coming to the show and wobbles for the smoking balcony when in doubt freeze him out it's eight degrees fahrenheit outside with orcas following in his wake i guess i have to bert i say i'm a huge fan of your solo projects he beams and lurches over gets both arms around me and uses me to prop himself up one of the trolls is loudly asking if bird will be signing anything burt rests his eyes the orca pod makes comments about floozies bert ignores everything bert wants sleep now ernie realizes bird has knackered in trying to nap on random strangers he roars that they're done for the night and clears the doors i make a dash for the exit before i get my ass beat and bert shuffles like a zombie into the dressing room the next day the tubby trolls in the orca pod post angrily to face page their complaints foreigners in the crowd who didn't speak their language very well ooh hey i'm a foreign devil there wasn't a full dinner offered there was not a free drink token included with the ticket and beer was expensive the custom t-shirt options didn't include 5xl the crowd was too tight and the boat was cramped there weren't enough chairs in the upper deck seating area the chairs were too small and some people can't stand up for three hours at a rock show gentle listener tickets were 44 euro for a custom t-shirt in your exact size and cut a lanyard a pin a calendar sticker postcard a snazzy souvenir ticket stub and it all came in a fancy display box no way a 5xl shirt would have even fit in the damn box beer was only 350. what is that each there was ample space on the upper deck with little cafe tables and chairs and the bar was serving snacks they are outraged that ernie didn't spend enough time signing stuff and where the hell was bert why didn't birds sign things and pay attention to them it blew my mind ernie's a good sport and i saw him sign stacks of crap and take photos with all of these people never get between burts and ernie ernie goes off he posts a sermon about how thrilled he was to have guests from all over the world it feels good to know that people came so far to see them and appreciate the years of hard work and constant effort he and bird have put in to make it to a point where they can earn enough money to survive on music he lists all of the countries represented at the show he tells everyone that the whole party weekend didn't make the band any money they did it just to have fun and poor bird is now corpsified the kerfuffle grows and the comments explode the sane majority doesn't understand why the fatbergs are complaining and do they expect ernie to give them all a kidney too ernie begins conversating in english to ram his point home then he goes through his ticket list cross references it with face page and starts messaging foreign fans privately to thank them for attending my phone dings at 3am it's ernie holy hell i wake up with a scratchy throat and runny nose to this bs crazy pants wine fest in case you were wondering bert ignores everything the trolls are sent packing back under their bridge and the orca is back to their sea world tank one would think that a public shaming for being so greedy and ungrateful would have rammed home the lesson but they didn't stay there for long okay i have one question was the coke that the trolls were doing diet coke alright this story's called can hear my dad's breathing from across the house but claims he can still kick your ass boy oh boy i'm gonna start by prefacing that i'm not very fond of my dad so some of this stuff might come off overly aggressive my dad forty five foot eight claims five ten and last checked 250 pounds all distributed in a beer beer pregnancy belly all right so he's not a major ham but he's got the attitude i have to give him credit though he did one of those weight loss programs for a while with my mom because we are a family of obese and overweight people and he lost a bunch of weight just to gain it all back pretty quick within mere months it was like 25 pounds okay so i have some chub not gonna lie but i'm still working on losing weight for my childhood obese days my mom is in the 190s so fairly large but she passes all tests of health by doctors walks around a lot for her job has managed to keep the weight off after previously mentioned weight loss program walks dogs twice a day with no problem and hikes with me regularly while keeping up other than her asthma which hasn't changed since she was thinner and younger when she first got it she is one of the few examples of health at every size i guess you could say my dad seems to think so too when my dad was young he bragged about being able to run faster than anyone in the military sidenote which i doubt as he's always been obese with a horrible relationship with food as in his aunt had to lock the cabinets in the kitchen to keep him and his brother from eating all the food when i had poor health and was obese in middle school i did a 14 minute mile and it took a large hit to my gym grade my dad responds 14 minutes i could walk one in 10. yeah sure just the other day he was telling my brother hey i know you're taller than me but don't forget i can still mess you up if you're out of line my brother is overweight but almost obese but it's distributed well and i don't know why but with zero exercise and zero practice he is naturally talented at sports and can keep up on a hike fairly well back to my dad he is practically 24 7 with these claims that he can mess you up because he made it through basic training and also did martial arts as a kid he brags for days when he wins an arm wrestling match but this is the same man who i can hear breathing right now as i write this it's non-stop with quarantine he hasn't been officially diagnosed with anything but always blames it on allergies even though this is something that happens year round he gets hot so easily that he also keeps the house in the very low 60s constantly for temperature we've had to have our ac replaced and repaired countless times already and it's only been five years since we moved here it's not the ac the brand is very popular in our area he gets tired doing the smallest tasks and uses his bad back as an excuse every time by exerting himself just the tiniest bit he complains and complains for days about how he thinks it harmed him somehow which leaves my mom brother and i with most household chores and maintenance as a family we went to the park and played tennis for memorial day he leaves early and so does my brother he had school projects to complete my dad was free all day they drove to and back despite the park just being a few blocks from our house with no hills two days later dad says wow i think i twisted my ankle or something playing tennis the other day when he played he didn't move that much and didn't even play following the rules if it wasn't clear before he didn't twist his ankle and probably just said that to sound more macho because he acted like all he did was just walk it off when there was nothing to walk off he has an ego thanks he's a badass talks like he's in top shape while faking injuries waddles while walking because of his weight breathes loudly and heavily because of his weight has high blood pressure a medical list that never ends all while bragging how quick his doctor visits are because his doctor tiptoes around the very large issues that he faces on top of that he's a smoker and an alcoholic what a fine specimen of a man very similar in personality to my dad except my dad's not really fat he's just like uh you know he's average weight but the attitude is spot on this story's called finally woken up and smelled the bacon grease so i've been a lurker on the sub for a long time laughing at all the land whales and ham planets getting their comeuppance and wincing get the gruesome details but the last four months have really opened my eyes to the fact that i am a fatty four months ago my workplace closed up shop and i spent the entire time sitting in my apartment drinking a two-liter bottle of cheap soda every day to two days playing online till three am then waking up at 10 am to do it all over again but a month ago i lost my apartment and had to move back in with my parents which was a major wake-up call i started joining a couple of fitness enthusiasts on their sessions and managed to lose 12 kilograms before plateauing again i might have stopped eating junk food and soda but i was still eating too much per meal now i've started using an app my brother suggested called myfitnesspal that lets you log what and how much of it you're eating and recording my exercise on the app as well making sure that my intake of calories is lower than the amount i burn off damn good job you're actually making a big effort to get healthier which is very very freaking admirable and yes uh i'd say health is like 90 just making good habits for yourself um not eating too much not eating you know stuff that you shouldn't eat all the time you know you can silly junk food just you know moderate yourself too much of a good thing is a bad thing and you gotta learn that learn to savor food it's i haven't even freaking learned that don't forget to like subscribe and hit that bell to never miss an [Music] episode [Music] you

Channel: Daily Dose Of Reddit

Views: 11,257

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit funny, daily dose of reddit, daily dose of internet, daily dose of memes

Id: s1rZCa615eM

Length: 18min 16sec (1096 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 02 2020