[DAYBREAK by MICHAEL HAGGINS plays] ABED: I'm only half Arabic actually. My dad
is Palestinian, he's a U.S citizen he's not a threat to National Security or anything,
a lot of people want to know that after they meet him because he has an angry
energy. But not like angry at America, just angry at my mom for leaving him. Although she did leave because he was angry,
and he was angry because she's American. My name's Abed, by the way. JEFF: Abed. Uh. Nice to know you,
and then meet you in that order. Now about that question that I had? ABED: Oh! ahh.. Five after eleven, when you asked. JEFF: Abed!
ABED: Yeah JEFF: What's the deal with the
hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there. ABED: Well, I only talked to her once
while she was borrowing a pencil, but Her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday
in October, she has two older brothers and one of them works with children who
have a disorder I might want to look up. Oh, and she thinks she's going to
flunk tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus and she's sorry
if that makes her seem cold. JEFF: Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now. ABED: That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me. ABED: Heh, text message! Let's give this bad boy a read.
JEFF: That's probably just for you. ABED: I've never gotten one of these. JEFF: Well, just, probably, you just..[stuttering]
ABED: Say you have to pee, I need to talk to you. ABED: Say you have to pee.
BRITTA: That is weird. ABED: Say you have to pee, I need to talk to you
JEFF: Yeah, do you have to pee? ABED: No.
JEFF: Hmm. ABED: It's so weird!
JEFF: Well I'm stumped. [group chatter] ABED: You know I thought you were
like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael
Douglas in any of his films. JEFF: Yeah? Well you have Asperger's. ABED: What's going on? Can you guys hear me, am I deaf? ABED: Can you hear me talking right now?
ALL: Yes.
ABED: That's good. ANNIE: But maybe when Jeff gets here, we could
talk to him as a group about his tardiness. PIERCE: Oh come on, don't
use that word around Ay-bed. BRITTA: And when it's all over-
ABED: Spoilers. BRITTA: -it's gonna be as
if it never even happened. BRITTA: Hey, Abed, real stories - they don't have spoilers. You
understand that TV and life are different, right? JEFF: Abed. Abed. Abed. JEFF: Do you want to trade cards?
ABED: No. JEFF: I'll give you 20 bucks. ABED: No. JEFF: 50 bucks.
ABED: No. ABED: I don't want your money, I want your shirt. JEFF: What? ABED: This is really nice of you. The memo says: For Dreams. ANNIE and SHIRLEY: Awww! GOBI: You go host American Idol, and you
stop messing with my son, he's a special boy. I raise him, okay? You don't raise him. -It was hard enough to talk to him
before, now we have this between us! ABED: I'll have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff I think you
should play the role of my father. JEFF: I don't want to be your father. ABED: Perfect, you already know your lines. BRITTA: Is that a new camera?
ABED: Yeah, it's more expensive but it lets me adjust really specific settings
that most people don't notice or think about. JEFF: So, Abed. JEFF: How's film class?
ABED: Good. JEFF: Yeah? Did you go to class today?
ABED: Not really. JEFF: "Not really"...well, Britta is paying for
those classes don't you think maybe you should go? ABED: I was shooting my movie.
BRITTA: D-wha-? Your movie's for class! ABED: My movie's more important. ABED: What do you think Dad?
JEFF: I think you are really weird, Abed. JEFF: Hey.
BRITTA: Hey. BRITTA: You don't really have
tickets for Ravi Shankar, do you. JEFF: I lied to get you here. Because, it's time to communicate. BRITTA: Communicate? Have you met Abed? Abed may not be a great filmmaker, but
that's doesn't mean that he wants to make falafel. You need to let
him make his own decisions! GOBI: Make his own decisions? Have you met Abed? [BRITTA, JEFF and GOBI are
talking over each other angrily] ABED: I'm finished! BRITTA [as ABED'S MOM]: I need to talk to you about Abed.
JEFF [as GOBI]: He's not normal [ABED screaming and heartbeat monitor noises] GOBI: My son is hard to understand. If making movies help him to be understood, then I'll pay for the class. BRITTA: Abed.
ABED: Yeah. BRITTA: Did you do all of that to me on purpose? BRITTA: That's not a very nice way to treat your friends.
ABED: Well, Britta... It isn't called friend business.
It's called Show Business. [GTA 4 theme plays] ABED: Am I crumping?
TROY: No. ABED: Am I crumping?
TROY: No. ABED: Am I crumping?
TROY: No. ABED: Am I crumping now? PIERCE: It gives you sonic hearing.
ABED: All hearing is sonic. ANNIE: How about you, Abed? It's tomorrow. ABED: Oof. Tomorrow? They're showing
all four Indiana Jones' at the Vista. I'm really looking forward for
the first three. I bought a whip. DUNCAN: Is - is it on pause?
ANNIE: No, that's just him. ANNIE: Sorry you've been waiting 26 hours. 'S just gonna be another five minutes.
ABED: Okie dokie. DUNCAN [softly]: Oh my God. ANNIE: - But, you told me to bring subjects!
DUNCAN: Yeah, subjects! Not Rain Man! ANNIE: GO HOME! ABED: Cool. ABED: See ya! ANNIE: That WAS the experiment, Troy. We were
testing to see how long people would wait in the room. TROY: Woah!
ABED: Oh. Gotcha. ANNIE: Gotcha? That's all you have to say?
ABED: Yeah. ANNIE: You sat in a room for 26
straight hours. Didn't that bother you? ABED: Yeah, I was livid.
ANNIE: Then why didn't you leave? ABED: Because you asked me to
stay, and you said we were friends. ANNIE: Abed... here. I wanted
to say sorry for yelling at you. ABED: Indiana Jones! Cool!
ANNIE: I just got the first three, because...
ABED and ANNIE: The fourth one blows! ABED: We're cool. TROY: Hey man, this stuff I said this morning -
wasn't true, I was just messing with you. ABED: You were lying?
TROY: Yeah, as a joke. You never had somebody mess with you before? ABED: Yes. Just kidding, no. Like that? ABED: This isn't a table. [laughs] ABED: That's funny. ABED: Hey Troy, did you hear? All dogs are blue now. Every
single dog in the world is blue. [laughs] ABED: I'm just messing with you.
TROY: Yeah I know, but let me explain to you a few things about how this works.
ABED: Okay. TROY: Uh, first of all, I cannot be got.
Because I am not gullible, like you.
ABED: Hmm. TROY: Secondly, you are not good at this because
you are not believable in your face, okay? TROY: Your face, yeah, it's bad.
ABED: Okay. TROY: Um also, you've got to ride
the line between believable and ... [ABED makes "alien" noises that
sound like a turkey "gobbling"] TROY: What are you writing in?
ABED: Just a notepad. TROY: Yeah, but what language?
ABED: 'S probably Arabic. [ABED makes "alien" noises] ABED: Beginning transmission. The primary
purpose seems to be male bonding. And the attitude during conveyance of
random deceit apparently of great importance. ABED: The humanoid is approximately five
feet ten inches in height-
TROY: What are you doing? ABED: Oh hey! Troy! I didn't see you. Uh, how
long were you standing there? TROY: You trying to mess with me?
ABED: Yes, that's what I was doing, you got me. I was just messing with you, but I guess I blew it again. TROY: Yeah... you did. [ABED makes "alien" noises] ALIEN COMMANDER: Greetings, Abed.
ABED: Greetings, Commander! ALIEN COMMANDER: T-Tell
me about the one they call Troy. ABED: Well he is rather arrogant
and has no mercy for weaker beings TROY: Stop- stop doing this right now.
ABED: Woah, woah woah. ABED: I'm not an alien. [laughs]
TROY: I never thought you were. But this is insane, okay? Those
are credible alien hand movements, you invented a whole language, I'm pretty
sure you rented a green screen. ABED: Yeah.
TROY: It would be less creepy if you were actually an alien. ABED: But this is what friends do.
TROY: No. It- From now on, Abed, friends don't
mess with each other. Okay? ABED: Cool.
TROY: Cool?
ABED: Cool. ABED [softly]: Bang bang. ABED: Is this Bruce Hornsby?
JEFF: Yep. ABED: Does he know he stole it?
JEFF: I don't think so, let him enjoy it. ABED: Can we get sued?
JEFF: Not sure. ABED: Will-they or won't-they. Sexual tension. JEFF: Abed. It makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're
characters in a show you're watching. ABED: Well that's sort of my gimmick, but
we did lean on that pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode. ABED: Taking a pill? PIERCE: Yes I am. ABED: Xenolovaden. My grandpa took
that when he was around your age. PIERCE: Fantastic. ABED: Really helped him with his going problem, but by the time Grandpa got up in years, his
memory wasn't great and he mixed the wrong pills. ABED: You know how old people are.
PIERCE: Heard stories about it, yeah. ABED: One time he started hallucinating
and ran down the street with no pants on, which in the Gaza Strip is
considered a real party foul, so, ABED: you should probably be careful.
PIERCE: L-look. I really don't need your advice
and I'm not your pantsless grandpa. TROY: [laughs] Pantless grandpa. JEFF: Can I live with you?
ABED: Yeah! Cool. You want the top bunk or the bottom bunk? JEFF: Top. ABED: Me too. Race you for it. ABED: Jeff, did I say anything in my sleep last
night about farm animals or Brian Williams? JEFF: I don't think so.
ABED: Cool. ABED: Lucky Charms?
JEFF: How are you so satisfied all the time Abed? JEFF: I mean don't you ever want anything
more out of life than cereal? ABED: Sometimes I like to pour hot cocoa mix
into cold milk and drink it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it special drink. ABED: Really great to have somebody to
watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything, so I was kind of raised by TV. JEFF: TV's the best dad there is. TV never
came home drunk, TV never forgot me at the zoo, TV never abused and insulted
me. Unless you count Cop Rock. ABED [quietly]: Cop Rock!
[normal volume] That sounds cool. JEFF: Doesn't it? [JEFF trying to talk to ABED but his
mouth is currently full of whipped cream] ABED: Britta may I have a word. BRITTA: What am I supposed to do about that?
ABED: Use your lady parts. BRITTA: Abed!
ABED: Don't be naive, Britta. The charge
between you two is keeping him going. Tell him you'll make love to him if he takes
a shower and finds a nice place to live. JEFF: Hey. ABED: You look like you moved out. JEFF: I checked into a motel
and I'm looking for apartments. JEFF: You'd have been fine with
me staying there forever, huh?
ABED: Yep. JEFF: You're pretty cool, Abed.
ABED: You're a huge nerd.
JEFF: Thanks. [ANNIE and SHIRLEY gasp] ABED: I know what you're gonna say. You
watch my movies on the website. I'm a student of human character. I know you
guys all so well I can predict your behavior. ABED: Like Shirley, I know you're a sweet,
Christian, generous person.
ABED and SHIRLEY: Oh that's nice. ABED: I also know you have
thinly veiled rage issues. ABED and SHIRLEY: Careful boy!
SHIRLEY: Oh! ABED: That's my newspaper.
SHIRLEY: What do you need the paper for? You knew what was going to happen yesterday, you Middle-Eastern magic eight ball! Pierce hurt his leg, Britta made Troy cry! ABED: ♩ Somewhere out there ♩
Troy, sing. ABED: The assignments to train a
rat to respond to a specific song. TROY: Yeah, did you have to pick a duet, hmm?
ABED: Hmm? [ABED and TROY] ♩ Somewhere out there
beneath the pale moonlight ♩ ABED: He did it! Good boy Fievel!
Commencing reward. I have to open the cage. ABED [whispered]: Fievel! JEFF: -Grab your jacket. Let's do this! ABED: Is there a rat in here? JEFF: I have no idea what you're talking about. CHANG: Abed.
ABED: El Tigre. ABED: I thought you might want to
help me out because we are friends. TROY: Abed, take it from a former Prom King.
Real friends help me with things. Not vice versa. ABED: I would face my fears to help you.
TROY: Exactly! 'Cause you're MY friend.
ABED: Am I? [ABED singing] ♩ Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight ♩
SHIRLEY: Aww, Abed. PIERCE: He gets any nuttier they're
going to put them on The View. ABED: Fievel? ABED: Fievel. ABED: Fievel? [mouse squeaks] ABED [whispered]: Fievel. [TROY screaming] TROY: Disgusting! ABED: Thank you. TROY: You think you're better than me?
ABED: No. TROY: You stick to quoting movie lines, I'll stick to sports.
ABED: I'm trying to reduce my pop cultural referencing.
TROY: Well you're not moving into sports! ABED: Troy and I played basketball. It was fun.
TROY: Don't gloat. It's impossible to guard you! Your
eyes are too gentle and mysterious! TROY: Ugh! I can't believe you beat me AGAIN! ABED: D'you want my stuffed animal?
[TROY exclaims] TROY: We're arm wrestling! [sounds of exertion] ABED: Like Stallone in Over the Top. But I'm not sure of all the rules. Don't I need a semi truck and a 10 year old son? TROY: The rules are you suck, let's go! ABED: Uh, I want to wait for a more
inspiring song, this score isn't right. [sport fanfare type music starts playing]
ABED: There we go. [groans] TROY [in slow motion]: Oh my gaah TROY: Yeah! YES! TROY [out of breath]: YES!
How do you like THOSE apples. ABED: I don't like those apples. I'm so upset. ABED [out of breath]: Attention Greendale
students. Don't use the condoms. If you're going to have sex
tonight, don't use condoms. [WHISTLE FOR THE CHOIR by THE FRATELLIS plays] BULLY: Hey. Hey! You took all the winter doodles.
What are you, a douchebag? ABED: They're for my friends, but there's a lot of other cookies left. BULLY: No, there's only macadamia nut cookies there, okay,
I have a tree nut allergy. ABED: Then you should probably stay away from
Christmas tree shaped cookies. BULLY: [fake laughs] That did not even make
allergic sense. What are you, an idiot? [cafeteria goes ‘ooh’] JEFF: Okay, we get it. You and the A-Team
are awesome. Now beat it. BULLY: Oh look at that. Pretty boy standing
up for bird face over here. BULLY: Give me a winter doodle. JEFF: If you're trying to be menacing, maybe
don't call the cookie by its name. BULLY: Oh you're funny. You're a funny ma. Want to
hear something funny, funny man? BULLY: Knock knock. My fist up your balls. JEFF: Who’s there? JEFF: Why do you guys do stuff like this? TROY: ‘Cause it’s fun. ABED: This character reboot is really gelling
for you, Jeff. That was all classic Hawkeye! Sending soliders out for liquor, slyly side-stepping
the problematic scrutiny of Annie “Hot Lips” Edison? I should builld you a still for making Hawkeye martinis! JEFF: Of all your pop culture fixations,
this is one I can work with Abed. ABED: Call me Radar?
JEFF: When you’ve earned it. ABED: I like his idea of ironically saying “You Go Girl.”
TROY: You Go Girl.
ABED: You Go Girl. [both snap] DEAN: You do what you think is right. [ABED hums the theme to M.A.S.H.] JEFF: That’s enough.
ABED: Okay. ABED: Jeff, what’s your favorite episode of M.A.S.H.? JEFF: The one with the... the army? ABED: That’s what I thought. If you’d ever actually seen the show, you’d know
that Hawkeye didn’t just bed nurses and drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face and barked orders
when the choppers came in. If he didn’t, people died. He was a leader, Jeff. That’s your job. JEFF: Thank you, Radar. ABED: Ooh, he made me so happy I just peed a little. ANNIE: - about what I’m calling Our
Library’s Backdoor Conundrum. ABED: Sounds like a porno with Kate Winslet.
ANNIE: Abed, ew. SLATER: Why are they looking at
me like I’m a zoo animal? ABED: Well, Jeff acts as sort of the dad of the group so
emotionally this is kind of like being told you’re our new mom. SLATER: But you know it’s nothing like that, right? ABED: Absolutely. Do you cook macaroni?
SLATER: I have.
ABED: Macaroni’s my favorite. BRITTA: Irony?
ABED: Well, you’re not a typically
vulnerable or feminine person, and the act of dancing is both vulnerable and feminine.
[rest of group ‘mmhmms’] [MERRY HAPPY by KATE NASH plays] ♩ Dancin’ at discos, eatin’ cheese on toast ♩ ♩ Yeah, you make me merry, make me very very happy ♩ ♩ But you obviously, you didn’t wanna stick around ♩ ♩ So I learnt from you ♩ ♩ Doo doo doo, da doo doo ♩ ♩ Doo doo doo doo, da doo doo ♩ ♩ Doo doo doo doo, da doo doo ♩
ABED: Good night everybody! TROY: Five letters: broadway musical.
ABED: Annie. TROY: Uh, six letters: to puncture.
ABED: Pierce. TROY: Um, a water filter that starts with B.
ABED: Brita. TROY: ‘Kay, here’s a tough one though. Helen of -
ABED: Troy. TROY: Oh damn, you’re good.
ABED: Thank you.
TROY: Never even heard that last one. TROY: Alright, uh, one of the two brother actors, Bridges. Four letters. ABED: Hmm.
TROY: I know. Bridges.
ABED: I don’t know. JEFF: C’mon guys, can’t you see the pattern there? Can you see it? It’s Beau! Beau Bridges! These are all things you can see on TV. JEFF: Except for pierce, that’s a misdirect.
ABED and TROY: Oh. TROY: I love misdirects.
ABED: I love The Big Lebowski. ABED: Hey guys!
CHANG: ¡Hola! ABED: Hey I hope you don’t mindI invited
Senor Chang, we’re Netflix friends. TV: It was the year 2006 A.D. and nuclear
war has ravaged the planet. ABED: I must have missed that.
[all laugh]
CHANG; Nice. PIERCE: Directed by Kim Yang. Asian.
Can’t direct, can’t drive. [laughs] CHANG: Dude I’m right here.
ABED: Right there. PIERCE When are we doing this again?
ABED: Well actually tomorrow we were all gonna get
together... [CHANG, SHIRLEY, and TROY all talk over him] ABED: We were going to get together...
[CHANG, SHIRLEY, and TROY talk over him] ABED: Tomorrow night we’re all going to get
together to watch Kickpuncher 2: Codename Punchkicker. PIERCE: We better change the sniper. [laughs]
That’s change we can believe in! ABED: Okay obviously something
strange is happening here. PIERCE: What do you mean? I’m
making jokes, and they’re at a movie. TROY: Yeah but you’re doing it with the speed
and determination of the incomperable Robin Williams.
ABED: Yeah. SHIRLEY: Pierce that was deep. And total BS. ABED: Yeah this isn’t about us. ABED: This is just a deflection because
you can’t get a geniune laugh.
SHIRLEY: Mmhmm. JEFF: Alright, alright. Maybe we’re not a family. Maybe it’s more complicated. Because, unlike a real family, there’s nothing to stop any one of us from
looking at any of the others as a sexual... prospect. [BRITTA gasps]
[ANNIE gasps] TROY: You got something Abed?
ABED: Another muffin basket. From another actress.
Who wants to be in my next film. JEFF: Does that work?
ABED: Yep! Maryl Streep has two
Oscars because of her baking. ABED: Ah, that’s sarcasm but I forgot to inflect. This sounds WAY more like
sarcasm. Inflection is SO interesting. ABED: What happened to Britta? JEFF: Justice. Having spent the year denying
her attraction to me, just to be alternative, Britta called me. At 3 AM. Just to ask : Wassap! ABED: A drunk dial? Was there B.C.I?
JEFF: Booty Call with a capital B. ABED: Mmm. This can’t be good.
JEFF: It’s no bigge, we give each other crap all the time. ABED: Well that’s the point. What crap can she
give you now that you hold all the cards? You’ve shifted the balance like in a sitcom
where one character sees another one naked. JEFF: Is that really a sitcom staple? ABED: No, I have NO idea what I’m talking
about. I’m Abed and I’ve NEVER watched TV. ABED: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Okay, Theo, I’m not feeling it. I really need to believe you’re holding an imaginary Doody Meter. ABED: Jeff, you know Britta’s
defining weakness. She cuts and runs. If you do this half-assed and faill,
she may leave and we all lose her. That’s not gonna happen. Not on my watch.
That’s a dealbraker. Saddle up! JEFF: Y’know, I’m sure you’re a good director.
But you’re a horrible drinking buddy. I mean, I can’t feel things with you
studying me like a beige praying mantis. ABED: You’re right. JEFF: I thought you never drank.
ABED: Scorsese drank with DeNiro. It’s not for me. It’s for the audience.
Na zdrowie. (”Cheers” in Polish) [WE ARE NOT ALONE by KARLA DEVITO playing]
[JEFF laughs]
[ABED groans] JEFF: It’s three o’clock!
What happened? ABED: The last thing I remember is... You were dancing like that girl... in that movie... ABED: Kids in detention?
JEFF: Breakfast Club.
ABED: Dear God. What have you done to me. I don’t remember the name of
the girl in the Breakfast Club. Mary. Margaret. Molly Ringworm. You broke me. JEFF: [laughs] That’s the reverse of my zinger from before.
ABED: Okay, please stop shouting, alright.
I feel like that... person in the TV show. ABED: Thirteen. ANNIE: This is so romantic! ANNIE: It’s just like The Notebook but
instead of Alzheimer's, Abed has - [SHIRLEY coughs]
ANNIE: Someone who likes him. ANNIE: Pierce, it doesn’t matter what
she looks like! This’ll be great for Abed ABED: It will?
BRITTA: Aren’t you excited about talking to her? ABED: I wasn’t planning on it.
ANNIE: What?! JEFF: Guys, c’mon, you heard
Abed, he’s not interested. Drop it. SHIRLEY: Jeff you need to mind your own business. And Abed,
you need to get with this girl immediately, if not sooner. ABED: Yeah? TROY: Abed, for guys like you, this kinda
opportunity only comes around once in a li - ...while. PIERCE: It’s important to date in college, Abed. It’s - A time of freedom and exploration. A time when a simple pillow fight between two innocent
girls can turn into a steamly night of unbridled lust. Britta knows all about it. ABED: Okay, cool! So you guys are
gonna “Can’t Buy Me Love” me, right? BRITTA: We’re gonna what you?
ABED: You’re gonna “Can’t Buy Me Love” me. Y’know, transform me from
zero to to hero, geek to chic. SHIRLEY: That’s her? She’s pretty! ... which is not a suprise at all, Abed. BRITTA: Okay, Abed, we’re gonna be here for moral
support. You just go over there and do your thing. ABED: Okay.
BRITTA: Remember, be yourself.
ABED: Got it. BRITTA: Great.
ABED: Cool. [PIERCE clicks his tongue] [ABED clicks his tongue twice] TROY: Abed.
ABED: Yeah. TROY: What are you doing?
ABED: I’m being myself. TROY; Go be yourself by Jenny. ABED: But I wouldn’t go over there. PIERCE: How do you know that?
ABED: A lifetime of observation, mostly. ABED: - a different version of me. I think it was a vampire. BRITTA: Look. I know we’re all good people, and
good people believe that people should be themselves but if Abed is himself, he’s gonna die alone. BRITTA: And if we let him be
someone else without our help -
TROY: Be right back! ABED: I understand, I need to change
who I am to someone more likeable. SHIRLEY: No, no, no, sweetie. It’s
not about changing. It’s about - learning. ABED: Learning to change?
[ANNIE and SHIRLEY disagreeing] PIERCE: Good greif! Clear the chickens
off the runway, I’ll be the bad guy. PIERCE: Yes, Ay-bed. You need to be someone else.
Someone who eventually gets a girlfriend because I can’t think of anything more
frightening than a half Polish, half arab virgin in his thirties. One way or the
other that story ends in an explosion. ABED: Hmm. ABED [Don Draper voice]: What are you reading? ANNIE: Pride and Predjudice. ABED: So you’re familiar with two sins. How ‘bout a third? SHIRLEY: Oh! ANNIE: Well I don’t think we’re
allowed to smoke in here. ABED: Then you picked the wrong outfit. Didn’t you? SHIRLEY: Abed! What are you doing? ABED [regular voice]: Don Draper from Mad Men. What d’ya think? [group chatter]
JEFF: What are you guys doing? [chatter stops] ABED: They’re teaching me how to be someone else. JEFF: Oh for God’s sake, what did I tell you guys? ABED [doing a JEFF impression]: Oh for God’s sakes, everybody.
Do whatever you want! Leave each other alone! TROY: Woah. That’s a good Jeff. How’d you do that? ABED: 10% Dick Van Dyke, 20% Sam Malone, 40% Zach Braff from Scrubs, and
30% Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry. JEFF: Zach Braff? ABED: Sorry. ANNIE: Can we please talk about Abed?
Thanks to us his heart’s been broken. JEFF: Well I hate to say that I told you so
So I’ll shout it through cupped hands. JEFF: I TOLD YOU SO.
ANNIE: We were only trying to help! PIERCE: Oh c’mon. Who are we kidding, Jeff’s right. Ay-bed was happy being Ay-bed
until we had to sully his mind with thoughts of love and romance... and vaginas. JEFF: Those are the big three,
that’s what they call them. BRITTA: Poor Abed. He’s probably
too sad to get out of bed this morning. ABED: Hi. ANNIE: Abed! ANNIE: About yesterday...
ABED: Oh yeah. You guys must be pretty upset. BRITTA: Why would we be upset?
ABED: Well I know how important it
was for you that I get a girlfriend. So when Jenny went off with
White Abed, it must have really hurt. BRITTA: Abed, you know we just
want you to be happy, right? ABED: Yeah I know. Everybody wants me to be happy.
Everybody wants to help me. But usually when they find out they can’t,
they get frustrated and they stop talking to me. Or they trick me into buying them ice cream
and then shove me into a clothes dryer. Which, I didn’t wanna happen with you guys, so I wanted
to make sure that you felt you could help me. The truth is, Lots of girls like me. Because, let’s
face it, I’m pretty adorable. And, um, my aloofness unconsciously
reminds them of their fathers, so. I’m more used to them approaching me. BRITTA: So we didn’t... damage
your self esteem or anything? ABED: Britta I’ve got self esteem falling out of my butt. That’s why I was willing to change for you guys. Because when you really know who you
are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn’t such a big deal. ABED: My dad’s bringing my cousin
Abra. She’s visiting from Gaza. ANNIE: Does she look like you but in a wig and lipstick?
ABED: No that’s Halle Berry. ABED: Abra wears a full burqa in public so she just
looks like someone covered head to to in black fabric. ABED: They’re playing hide and seek.
SHIRLEY: Uh, where? ABED: I don’t think that’s how it works. ABED: The nearest body of water is two and a half hours away. PIERCE: Leagues, Ay-bed. We don’t
measure water by hours. POTTERY PROF: The hilarious guy-on-guy. [class laughs] [prof makes gunshot noise]
[class stops laughing] ABED: I’m making falafel. JEFF: [slurps his drink]. Hmm.
ABED: Not edible. JEFF: He’s a ringer. ABED: A what? JEFF: Y’know, a con-man. A grifter. A ringer! He’s an expert potter who signs up
for novice classes to impress people. ABED: But if he wants to impress people, why join a
pottery class? Why not just say, “Hi, I’m a doctor”? DEAN: I’m sorry, what is going on here? ABED: A twist on a classic formula. Normally with Buddy Cops, one’s a straight
laced stickler and the other’s a renegade, But these two have equal claim to both roles. DEAN: And why are you here? ABED: Short answer? My cable went out. ABED: Tell them they’ve got 24 hours to solve the case.
DEAN: They do. You have 34 hours to solve it, or else! Figure it out! ABED: That’s the poster. ANNIE: Maybe I wanna be in charge of how I’m defined. SHIRLEY: Well, how do you think I feel? ANNIE: He’s getting away!
ABED: Go after him on foot. ANNIE: I’m going after him on foot. ABED: Cut him off from the other side.
SHIRLEY: I’m cutting him off from the other side! SHIRLEY: He got away! [ANNIE and SHIRLEY are arguing] ABED: Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll give you the rest of
these chocolate covered raisins if you save my seat. [ANNIE and SHIRLEY are arguing] DEAN: Well I see how that would
e frustrating but the fact is - ABED: Your ass is on the line.
DEAN: My ass is on the line. ABED: You just got off the phone with the mayor.
DEAN: I just got off the phone with - What? The mayor? Stop doing that! ABED: I’m trying to help. You’re not doing this right. DEAN: Well, maybe you should do it. [laughs] ABED [in a voice]: I’m sick and tired of
making excuses for you two. You’re an embarrassment to the department! You’re off the case and off the force.
Your badges, your windbreakers, now. Now! I ain’t got all day! Agitating my sciatica!
I’m too old for ‘dis. Now get out of my sight! Thought you were badasses, huh? Real badasses work together. All I see is a housewife and a girl scout. ANNIE: Hey!
SHIRLEY: Abed! ABED: I said, get out! And don’t even think about
getting near this case! Uh uh!! DEAN: Pretty harsh.
ABED [normal voice]: Oh, don’t
worry, that’s what they needed. JEFF: Hey Abed. JEFF: Why are you and I the only sane -
ABED: Shhh! Just watch. Beautiful. BRITTA: Speaking of love. Shirley, how’s it
going with the sexy dreadlock guy? SHIRLEY: Oh, I’m sure I don’t
have a chance with him. ANNIE: Abed and I talked to him by the vending
machines. He asked about you. SHIRLEY: He specifically asked about me?
ANNIE: Mmhmm. ABED: When Annie brought you up, he
specifically asked, “Who is that?” ANNIE: Abed.
SHIRLEY: Oh. ABED: What? That’s what he said. PIERCE: Ay-bed, your social skills
aren’t exactly streets ahead. PIERCE: Know what I mean?
ABED: I don’t. ABED: His dreadlocks remind
me of the Predator. Which is weird because... you’re doing the actual hunting. And you seem invisible to him. BRITTA: Abed, y’know what I do? Before I talk, I ask myself “What am I about to say?” and how might it affect each person listening. ABED: I’m really glad you said that, Britta. The idea that you compulsivley filter yourself makes your lack of flavor kind of a flavor. JEFF: I say we knock him out of the kitchen and
replace him with one of our own, all in one move. Then we’re the ones with the chicken. ABED: It’s like a mafia movie! ABED [voiceover]: As far back as I can remember,
I’ve always wanted to be in a mafia movie. ABED: Cool. PIERCE: You make the fingers, Ay-bed. Not the decisions. ABED: I’m sorry.
JEFF: It’s okay buddy. ABED: I agreed to give Chang eight fingers per lunch in
exchange for a 10 percent bump on every Spanish test. For each of us. ABED: Okay. Six fingers, Wednesdays. Alright. We’ll be in touch, Janelle. JANELLE: Thank you Abed.
ABED: You’re welcome. JEFF: Abed. The mafia movie is over. ABED: I’m not doing a mafia movie. In fact, I don’t need to use movies or
TV shows to talk to people anymore. Before I only needed them because the
day-to-day world made no sense to me, But now everyone’s speaking
the same language: chicken! I finally understand people,
and they understand me. [LAYLA by ERIC CLAPTION plays] ABED: These were the bad times. JEFF: Abed. What are you doin’? ABED: Making tater tots. You were right, people got sick of chicken. But I was close. I just need a new food, a new system. I’m going to experiment with jalapeno
poppers next, then zucchini zircles. JEFF: I-I don’t get it.
ABED: It’s not that complicated, Jeff. They replace the C in circle with a Z for zucchini. JEFF: No, no I mean, why are you here? You said you were ‘close’? What where you close to? To the - to the group? JEFF: To people?
ABED: Please don’t do a special episode about me. JEFF: Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it. ABED: Everyone else needs my help. That’s what people don’t get, is that, they need to get me. I just need to be able to connect to people like
you can. Then I can make everyone happy. JEFF: Maybe we should just stay here
and have a plate of chicken fingers. ABED: Cool. Can we eat them while sitting on a
table like in Sixteen Candles? JEFF: Pick one reference, Abed.
ABED: Sixteen candles. ABED [voiceover]: Things went back to normal. And now
everyone’s back to being a bunch of regular schnooks. And I’m back to being a weirdo. Back to watching from the outside. For now. ABED: But you know what they’ll
never make a replacement for? [ABED makes a sizzle noise] Friends. PIERCE: [singing] - in my airship. And
we’ll visit the man in the moon. PIERCE: Hey! Hey! Hey! [ABED smashing the guitar]
PIERCE: What the heck! Hey! What - PIERCE: What the hell! ABED: Sorry. ABED: I couldn’t resist. Smashing the guitar of someone singing a cloying love song
was on my Quintessential College Experiences list. ANNIE: Your what? ABED: It’s everything that movies have taught
me comprises a successful first year at college. BRITTA: Yeah. Right to my face. ‘Cause I can
take it. Unlike a certain someone else. [ANNIE gasps]
[BRITTA mock gasps]
[ANNIE gasps] [group mock gasps]
[ABED makes more of an ‘Ahh’
noise instead of a gasp] SHIRLEY: Well what about Abed? Abed’s weird. TROY: I don’t know about your robot, Abed. ABED: Boob-itron’s great! And once someone spills bong water
on his circuitry and he comes alive he’s going to make us the coolest guys
on campus and help us get babes. TROY: THose are real babes.
Who’ll really laught at us. ABED: Hey. You’re my friend right? Friends are supposed to
help each other, no matter what! Ok. ABED: Ridiculous situation descending
into heavy handed drama for the illusion of story... Check. TROY: What! That was awesome!
Alright, I am back in! TROY: Thank you.
ABED: You’re welcome. [nasty baseline starts playing] DELIVERER: Someone here order a pizza? Is it you guys? It has extra saussage. It’s big and hot. ABED: Um. Guys... ABED: The last guy almost got me. ABED: My legs. BRITTA: No big deal. Nothing’s changed. ABED: Something’s changed. JEFF: Oh Abed. Crazy Abed. ABED: No. Something’s different now. PIERCE: Could be me. I’m sporting a man-thong.
ABED: Maybe. ABED: So no-one feels it. No one senses anything’s different? BRITTA: Nope.
JEFF: Not at all. [car alarm going off]
TROY: Go cure something. JEFF: Gotta pass that exam or my
entire four year plan’ll be thrown off. ABED: That might be your car, Jeff. JEFF: What? ABED: I was on my roof for the Fourth of July, and the
fireworks set off all the car alarms on the street. That one sounded like a brand new Lexus. JEFF: Ah, my Lexus isn’t brand new.
ABED: I know. Yours is a 2002.
That’s the year I heard it. BRITTA: Awww, Annie! JEFF: NO! No. Everyone close
their eyes. Do it. Close them. JEFF: Abed, close!
ABED: Oh don’t worry about me. I can
only connect with people through... ... movies. JEFF: She’s the Ark of the Covenant!
[ABED gasps] ABED: Nadir, Abed: 85. TROY: Yeah, I gotta find a new place to live. My dad wants me to leave the nest so he
feels less weird that his girlfriend is 20. ABED: You could live in a pyramid.
[TROY laughs] TROY: Oh wait! Abed, your dorm
room’s got a bunk bed, right?
ABED: Yup. [NIGHT CAP by JACQUES SLADE plays] TROY: Dope kegger!
ABED: Thanks TROY: Funny. I spend so much time
here, I forget we don’t live together. Then I think, what if we lived together? ABED: Here, I’m gonna check on the other keg. ABED: Last call. Study over. TROY: What are you doin’? ABED: Just giving things a finale vibe. [DAYBREAK by MICHAEL HAGGINS plays]
