Relationship Goals - Romantic with Ps Shane Willard // 2nd May 2021

and if you're thinking if you're thinking wait a minute wait a minute i'm pretty sure you're single right i'm pretty sure you're single what in the world could you tell me about relationship sex marriage okay first of all let's handle that real quick okay i have a master's degree in clinical psychologist in clinical psychology with an emphasis in marriage and sex all right this sounds like i'm making a joke but i've got a master's degree in sex okay so in theory no one's better than me at that all right now in practice pretty much crap but in theory in theory i sort of got it going on with that that's that's number one so actually this topic tonight is actually the topic i'm academically qualified to speak to actually more than bible stuff right so so i'm actually that the second thing is is that um almost all relational advice in the bible is by single men all right or a guy with a thousand wives whichever one right right right so so if you're looking for that one monogamous white dude to tell us what to do it's sort of not in the scripture either all right so we're all in this journey uh together uh marriage relationships things like this sexuality very complicated it's not like simple it's not like somebody says this is very simple very cookie cutter way to look at it this is a this is a process by which we all sort of grow we all come from certain backgrounds certain biases we have certain imaginations when i say certain words the issue isn't those words it's all the different imaginations around what those words mean and so i want to i want to deal with that let's start by looking at something a first century rabbi named paul he um he gave us as advice this is ephesians chapter 5 verse 25 he says husbands love your wives just as christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy cleansing her by the washing with water through the word and to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish but holy and blameless in the same way husband you ought to love your wives as your own body he who loves his wife loves himself then skipping forward a few verses in verse 33 however each of you must also love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband now the the issue with this language is that it's obvious that's the problem like for paul to go hey guys seriously love your wives no one can go no we need less love right no that's obvious we need to be loving our lives that's that's an obvious piece of advice and if i was to say hey girls seriously hey it is a good idea to respect your husband that's a really good plan no one can go no we actually need disrespect more disrespect would make us happy in our lives nobody nobody can say that that is not the issue with this passage the issue with this passage is when i say guys come on love your wives right here's the problem with that right however many hundreds of men are in this room right now there's that many different imaginations as to what i mean when i say love and so the problem isn't the doctrine of love the problem is is our imagination of what that looks like because our emotions attach to that so what i want to do tonight is i want to talk about love and i want to give a good working definition of love and then i want to look at what scientific studies have shown that women almost unanimously interpret as actions of love and hopefully we can then reinvigorate not the doctrine but the imagination of what that looks like lived out and i also want to do that with respect because here's the problem when i say hey girls seriously hey come on hey seriously girls your best life is found in choosing to respect the guy you chose to spend the rest of your life with it is happiness in the home is going to increase if he feels respected instead of disrespected by you no one can disagree with that no one can go huh uh i don't think that's true no here's the problem the problem is for how many hundreds of women are in this room right now when i say respect there's a hundreds of different imaginations of what respect looks like so to one it might look like admiration to another it might look like being subjugated to another one it might be it might sound like i'm saying let him squash you and so the problem isn't the doctrine of respect it's not everybody wants to do that the problem is is is the unworkable imaginations of what that looks like so my attempt in the next 40 minutes or so is to give us a better working imagination of what that looks like from the scriptures from experience and from science all right so i'm going to take that role as sort of a clinician so let's talk about love first next slide so love is a tension between a few factors one is the perfect versus the sublime i'm gonna talk about that in a second let me give you all three the second is the idol versus the icon and the third is the destination versus the cause now let's let's talk through those things really quickly love is not a function by which we celebrate the perfection in somebody else love is a function by which we acknowledge their flaws and embrace them anyway i i love the way josh lechon said it if you listen to this very carefully it's very profound here's what he says love is giving somebody else something you don't have and they don't want it that's what love is in other words love is not when you only present your best side they embrace that only to encounter falls later love is when you're perfectly honest about yourself flaws and all and they acknowledge those flaws but they choose to embrace you anyway love that is the safest place on earth to be fully known and fully accepted like there are a lot of people who are fully accepted but the only reason they're fully accepted is because they're not fully known and there's a lot of people who are fully known but because they're fully known they're not fully accepted the safest place on earth is to be fully known with no secrets and fully accepted all at the same time that is the power of the risen christ and his role in his relationship with us is that in that moment we can be fully known and although we're fully known we are still fully accepted that is a safe pad of love listen if you're single don't you listen to me real quick okay if you're dating someone and they're perfect leave they're lying or you're deceived there is no such thing right never what you're experiencing is a psychological phenomenon called limericks limerence is an involuntary rush of dopamine in your brain when you're in the presence of somebody and it makes you addicted to their presence and blind to the character flaws when the limerence wears off in about five years time the thing that's always been true about them is going to irritate you to high heaven so never ever ever move forward with somebody until you can clearly articulate their flaw and choose to embrace that anyway right perfect versus sublime idol versus icon love is not a celebration of the idol let me explain what i mean by that an idol is when you create an image of something that you want somebody to be and then you force them to be them that's idolatry now let me explain why that's powerful that's powerful because at first it will feel good to the other person for you to put them on a pedestal it will it's flattering it's like hey i've got my list you meet all these qualifications this is what i want in a man you seem to meet that let me put you up there that is flattering or it or vice versa you're everything i could ever imagine wanting in a woman let me lift you high and you can become what i relationally bow to now at first that is very flattering people will love that about you they'll love it until they reach the point where they cannot handle that pressure one more day there is no vacancy in the trinity for a human being there isn't there isn't people are not wired to wear the weight of idolatry we're wired to embrace the beauty of iconography now idolatry is when we create an image of somebody and we make them bow we make them be that we set them there an icon is far more beautiful an icon is not an idol an icon is an image of something that invites us to continue to go deeper it's that in other words love is not a celebration of what we have established we want in that person love is a celebration of there's something about that person that makes me want to keep going with them listen the best marriages on earth are not the ones who go we've been together 30 years we know everything about each other the best marriages on earth are the ones that are going hey we've been together 25 years i still don't have a flipping clue what makes her tick but i know i love it it's that it's that that's exciting that's that that's that's an infinite eternal journey that the third tension in love is destination or cause all the joy in life is found in the journey of getting to a destination not in the arrival at the destination itself it's true of everything it's more fun to shop for a car than it is to actually go buy one it's more fun to dream about the house than it is to actually sign on the dotted line about one it's more fun to journey to something than it is to arrive at that journey so relationally we have to make sure when we talk about love that we're not talking about a celebration of the perfect but rather a celebration of the sublime we're not talking about a celebration of the idol we're talking about a celebration of the icon and we're talking about people that in flaws and all fully known fully accepted they enjoy every part of the journey together knowing that all the joy is in the journey not in the arrival at some destination that's what we talk about when we talk about love so a couple observations about this next slide so with love you cannot help but experience the world as meaningful like you can have nothing but if you have love your entire world is actually meaningful but without love you cannot help but experience the world as meaningless like you can have lots of stuff you could be batman in the bat cave with all the toys but if you're alone your world is sort of meaningless with love you can't help but experience the world as meaningful without love you can have everything and not help but experience the world as meaningless and god is sort of that way because god is love so in that sense god is not someone you love as much as someone you find his presence in the act of love itself that when we talk about relationships when we do something for someone with zero expectation of return to pay us back it is in that very action that we begin to touch something of the presence of god for that is what god did for the world god with no expectation of return while we were acting hostility god acted with love toward the world so when we act with love toward the other with no expectation of any retribution or payback in other words we're not keeping score when we do that it is in that moment that we find something beautiful about the presence of god in the middle of the act of love itself that actually when we talk about relationships and love it is one of the key ways that we experience the presence of god when you by faith meet someone else's need with no expectation and score keeping of them meeting your need in return it is in that moment that we begin to find the presence of very god himself let's say this way that marriage is not a static image let's say this way marriage is ultimately next side is ultimately a dynamic progressive revelation of who god is to the world around you that what your marriage and your relationship evolves into ultimately is a dynamic progressive moving revelation of what people in the world understand about god it is a beautiful beautiful metaphor and thing now a couple of observations about what this means when we wake up tomorrow and need to live some of this stuff out next slide number one the best way to motivate anyone is to meet their biggest need two words very important consistently and predictably if you want to motivate someone else the best way to motivate anybody is to be consistent and predictable in meeting their biggest need that is the best way to motivate anybody if you want to try to control somebody you be purposely inconsistent inconsistent unpredictable need meeting raises anxiety in the home but predictable consistent need meeting lowers anxiety in the home and raises trust when things even when need meeting is inconsistent and unpredictable it raises anxiety and lowers trust but when need meeting is predictable and consistent it raises trust and lowers anxiety and motivates the other person if you want to motivate the other person the best way to do that is to meet their needs not demand yours it's to meet their needs consistently and predictably let's let's say this way next next slide to the extent we're trying to control someone is the extent that you're failing to love them to the extent we're trying to control them is the extent that we're failing to love them let's say it another way next slide you never choose to meet your spouse's need because they deserve it you choose to meet their need because they're worth it to you you don't meet people's needs because they deserve it we meet people's needs because we determine them to be worth it why because jesus said that's what god is like he says you wonder what god's like look at flowers look at birds they do nothing to deserve it but god feeds them and clothes them because they're worth it to him if we're going to show the world what god is like in our love then we need to meet people's needs not because they're worth it not because they deserve it but because we deem that they're worth it can we give our spouse or the person rental relationship with the gift of meeting their needs whether they deserve it or not it will you might have listen this is so true you might have the right to withhold their need you do it's your body it's your mind it's your words you might have the right to withhold their need but it won't be the most profitable thing for us to do if we want to live with high trust low anxiety consistent and predictable need meeting is at the center of that number three you can never next slide yep you can never motivate someone long term by withholding or controlling their biggest need it is empowering to you to meet their need first right listen ladies listen if you're married listen you will never i i realize that in general a woman's goal is to increase feelings of love in the home i get it i do but i also get that you'll never be successful in increasing loving feelings toward you if you're withholding sex from him and calling him an idiot it does not work is it your right absolutely it's your body it is it your right sure is it wise probably not is it your right to call him an idiot when he does something dumb sure it's your right but just because it's your right and maybe you're even right about it in that moment he might have done something dumb but it's not wise it's not profitable and christian people don't base their life solely on right or wrong but rather something more profound what is wise what is the wise thing to do and it's always empowering to meet their need first next slide number four in general a female's biggest need is to increase feelings of love and and with that being said it's not in a woman's nature to respond sexually to a man who's harsh and angry with her it's just not and number five next slide in general the male's biggest need is to increase feelings of respect and it's not within a man's nature to respond lovingly to a woman who's sarcastic critical or has content for his person intelligence or sexuality it's just not in us to do that it's just not in us in general these are stereotypes but they're stereotypes for a reason a man's biggest need is to increase feelings of respect in the home when feelings of respect in the home go up anxiety goes down a woman in general her biggest need is to increase feelings of love in the home when feelings of love are perceived high anxiety goes down trust goes up it is a beneficial situation let me give you an example of this next slide so women in general say i need to feel loved and treasured even if i look different a man would say i need to feel respected and admired even if i do something stupid that is the idea the idea is we don't we we don't meet each other's needs because we deserve it we meet at each other's needs because we deem them worth it a couple of questions about this next slide is it okay for your spouse to have a different need than you your husband needs respect as much as you need love and that's got to be okay and she needs love as much as you need respect let me let me uh let me speak to the ladies just for a second i promise i'll do i will do at least 50 50 speaking to men and women okay i don't want half the room turning on me okay all right but let me let me speak to you ladies just for a second okay and this is for good-hearted women if you're not a good-hearted woman don't worry there's nothing i can do for you anyway but listen if you're a good-hearted basically mentally healthy person and you've been frustrated and your thought is i don't know what's going on my husband i love him and i love him and i love him and i love him and i love him and i love him and i do more to love him and i love him and i love him and he just doesn't seem happy with that let me let me see if i can help you okay i know this might sound a little harsh i don't mean it harsh i mean it help your husband doesn't care if you love him he already knows you love him it's not even it thank you it's not even in his top 15 questions your husband's deepest concern is whether or not you believe in him or not your husband's deepest desire and here's the thing he doesn't let me let me let you in on this okay ready don't tell anybody right the secret he doesn't know how to tell you that because if he tells you that it makes him look weaker which thing makes him question whether you believe in him even more listen if you want to increase feelings of trust in your home and your lady listen to me for the next 60 days remove all love language remove all i love you hi snookums hi doll remove all that and anytime you want to say something like that replace it with i believe in you i honor you i respect you i think you're smart things like this it goes to the biggest deepest question i mean listen a man has two big questions one do you believe in me and two do you perceive me as having enough to make you happy compared to what other guys have is that right i don't know is it wrong i don't know i know it just is it just it just is that's the man's biggest concern let me give an example right like if you're if you're out if you're on a date right in auckland at um white and wong's right and you're out on this date right and the hottest girl in auckland walks in and i mean like whoo yeah right now when the hottest girl in auckland walks in who notices first the women are the men no the women of course the women notice first and they hate her we hate you you don't even know that person but we hate yo right now if the if the hottest girl in auckland walks in and you really notice her you're going to hurt your wife's feelings like if you're like yeah get you some of that right don't do that you're gonna hurt her feelings right now here's the thing right here's the reason why because the woman's biggest thing is do you still love me and find me attractive even though i'm changing and this and that right right but here's the thing men the reason men don't get stuff like that is we don't care if you notice the hot guy if the hottest guy in auckland walks into white and wong's we don't care if you notice i'm talking about like the underwear model you know i'm talking like right right like eight pack guy if he walks in and you go whoa yeah get you some of that we don't really care about that we don't care we're like well i don't know look just get preheated you're coming home with me i don't know that's all right sir can you come here and show her your abs i don't know right but [Music] it's true if in that same scenario if you said to your husband hey did you hear about bill he got promoted three times this year he now makes three times as much money as you i so wish you were successful as bill whoo see see if the issue really isn't understanding it as much as it is to realize we all already understand it and then behave accordingly i owe a lot of this talk to the apostle paul to solomon to emerson egrex who's a who's a great great communicator on marriage um and and to the university of washington for their study in marriage and disasters i owe this next part to emerson egrets he he gave us something called the crazy cycle he came up with this this was brilliant next slide so here's what he says without love she will always respond without respect and without respect he'll tend to respond without love and without love she'll respond without respect without respect he's going to respond without love and that's the crazy cycle and around and around around we go and that leads to escalation this is why have you ever have you ever had an argument with your spouse that started about how to cut a tomato and before you knew it you were insulting each other's parents right right and then someone you know what how did we get here that's why that's why without love she responds without respect without respect he'll respond without love but then there's a better choice there's the energizing cycle next slide so with love she'll tend to respond with respect and with respect he'll respond with love the question is how do we get on that energizing cycle because once again the issue isn't love everybody wants to love the issue is what do we picture that to be and the issue is that respect if you're listen everything i'm going to say in the next few minutes assumes basically good hearted basically mentally healthy people if you married a lunatic i don't know what to do okay but assuming you didn't marry a lunatic you married a basically good-hearted basically mentally healthy person this is what the university of washington um in in their intensive research on marriage this is what they showed they gave us six things that basically good-hearted basically mentally healthy women will always interpret as love and six things that basically good-hearted basically mentally healthy men will tend to interpret as respect and i have time to do three of each okay so instead of doing six i'm going to do three and and i'll try to you know to to be succinct with it no no next slide number one how to make a good-hearted woman feel loved so this is concrete behavior that we can implement number one what the research showed is that we can see with that a woman will feel loved and we consistently and predictably empathize with her see women in in their in their emotions they need to report and recognize their emotions men don't tend to need to do that and when we interpret each other through how we are see we don't tend to see the world as it is we see the world as we are and so and so when we don't see that and we don't empathize with it we tend to say things like what's wrong with you just get over it they can't it should they maybe but that that's not wise right but but the very thing that irritates you in terms of that with your wife is actually what will make her a good mother right and so we tend to forget that the very thing that makes women good mothers and makes us not good mothers is the very thing that will irritate us in interpersonal communication so you got to focus on the right thing right this is why think about this way like if you have three kids okay and let's say you're having a night of netflix you're finally relaxing and then you hear the three kids going nuts in the back and some you're like please don't call me please don't call me please don't call me right somebody finally mama dad something like that now if the dad goes in there it's gonna be fundamentally different than if the mom does right so if the dad walks in and says shut up what happened and all three kids start talking at once his brain can't handle that if all three kids start talking at once he'll be like shut up you and only you go right yo right and then he'll do it the mom can walk into the same situation all three kids talk at once and her decipher it all and solve it right it's fundamentally different this is why if you're ever out at a dinner party right and every man's experienced this if you're ever out at a dinner party women can have more than one conversation at a time men absolutely cannot this is why you ever had a dinner party and you're over and you're talking with your friends your wife can be 20 feet away and they ask you a question here and you're like oh what was that guy's name what was that guy's name i can't think of his name and your wife will scream from across the room his name was bill it was belle this is what you're like how did you do that right right this is why you mental understand this right have you ever been writing down the road and somebody calls you and you got the bluetooth in your ear and you're trying to think and she's trying to remind you of something to say to them and i promise you everything goes like charlie bro right right right these things are the strength of the woman and actually the weakness of the man but it requires us to empathize through complex sort of reporting and what the research shows is that basically good hearted basically mentally healthy women will interpret that as loving behavior um let me um let me give you an example of that next slide so here's just a great concrete example that we could put into practice men do you need me to help you solve this or do you want you do you just want me to listen because here's the problem men if they can't solve the problem feel like a failure and then wonder if you still respect them so it becomes a complex thing to start circling on each other so went ladies you can set your man free by setting him free from having to solve the problem because trust me he's trying to think of a way to solve the problem you could also help us by not spider webbing spider webbing is when you mix four or more stories into one let me just help you we can't follow it and and it's not it's not for any other reason other than you're smarter than us it's fine it's fine and it's actually the thing that you'll like about us i'll talk to you about that in a second not number two what the research shows if you a good-hearted basically mentally healthy lady will find it loving when we consistently and predictably assure her that you treasure her above all else now for us that makes no sense let me explain something to you ladies okay for your man to do this requires great faith because it feels embarrassing it feels like oh man but once you realize that it's okay for them to have a need that you don't have and we can by faith meet that need without understanding it or expecting in return here's what the research shows a woman will in general feel treasured by you when you reminisce about a story from your past so if you're driving by somewhere say remember when we went there that's all it takes it's all it takes they have my grandmother died in a nursing home at 92 and she still had love cards from my grandfather from 60 years ago that's how it works now my grandfather wouldn't remember writing those things but that's that's how it works now men we don't understand that like you'll never see two men sitting at a coffee shop going hey harry you remember that tux i wore at your wedding no way no there is no way we do that but what the studies show is that ladies find that loving when we reminisce about some story from our past all right number three uh here's a good marriage tool on this men um next slide i i remember when we were at this and this happened right now the thing the ladies can do to help us with that is to give us gentle reminders to remove fear if we if we get it wrong still applaud the effort because it's not natural for a man to do this right right and if a man feels like you're going to call him an idiot if he gets one detail wrong he's not going to try right so so set us free by reminding us and removing some fear number three next slide what the studies show is that a good-hearted basically mentally healthy lady will will pro will interpret it as love when we consistently and predictably reconcile and resolve with her in other words do not be secretly angry with her here's how the studies show that women um in general solve conflict here is the conflict resolution cycle for women women have conflict then they storm off then they come back together then they vent then they make apologies then they make jokes then they laugh then they start over it's full circle it's true right this is how this this is how men resolve conflict men resolve conflict by letting it go here's how it works men have conflict they storm off then there's a cool off period you will never see two men storming off and the other man going harry you get back here right now and speak to me never never never then there's some attempt to make restitution then we drop it and then they're like hey here's a soda and a game so here's the problem with that men resolve conflict by letting it go what the studies show is that women have incredibly high anxiety if it doesn't go full circle can you imagine these two people good-hearted both good-hearted people trying to live together without anxiety one has less anxiety by letting it go the other has less anxiety by talking it through now what the studies show men is this is that if you'll step out of your comfort zone a little bit and by faith by faith talk it through and meet their need that it'll increase trust and decrease anxiety here's some marriage tools for that a relationship tools next slide is men a hug reassurance that you're not mad and the relationship is okay can go a long way and women a word of reassurance that you believe in him can go a long way in bringing it full circle in other words if we talk it through i promise i'm not going to insult you i'm not going to degrade you i'm not going to do uh these sorts of things now those are three things for the women let me do three things for the men right so once again the issue isn't love it's our imagination of love and what the research shows is that when we consistently particularly empathize treasure and solve conflict by going full circle basically good hearted basically mentally healthy women will interpret that as love now let me show you a couple things that it says about respect same same study how to make a good-hearted man feel respected one to consistently and predictively verbalize your honor of his responsibility to lead the home okay now let me stop and and speak into this right because feminists will tell you that men feel like they have a right to lead the home okay that is never ever true if you're talking about a basically good-hearted basically mentally healthy man a basically good-hearted basically mentally healthy man never thinks about it i have a right to lead this home that's not how men think about it assuming you married a basically good-hearted basically mentally healthy man they feel that they carry the weight of the responsibility to lead the home and that is two different things to say i have a right to lead and to say i'm carrying the burden of the responsibility to lead that's two different things let me answer this if an intruder came in your house tonight and you and your husband are laying in bed and you know an intruder's in your house with a weapon would you flip a coin to see who goes and confronts the guy whose responsibility is it to die for the family let's flip a coin we're 50 50 here right and listen to be willing to die for someone is a big thing that is not something to just oh yeah yeah uh-uh that's a big thing but let me explain something about the dna of men it is in the dna of men when they get unconditional respect to die the only place on earth men get unconditional respect is in the military in the military you get respect because of the strife on your arm that is and it is unconditional respect and think about what men do in the military they serve and they die and they do it willingly right see feminists will tell you if you give your husband unconditional respect he'll squash you that is never true if he's basically good heart and basically mentally healthy if you by faith give your husband unconditional respect he will serve you and he will die think about it think about it if you've ever been on a cruise right for vacation think about before the crews leave they do like this disaster drill right and they get everybody out and what announcement in a disaster drill on a cruise boat what announcement comes over the loudspeaker what is it women and children first right you'll never see a feminist go actually we should flip coins here right never right women and children first what are the men doing yes we die right right right listen god gave us this thing in our dna that we we count that in honor but with that comes the weight of the responsibility of leading the home and here's what the research shows if you verbalize it with your mouth or in a written form i honor you for bearing the weight of the responsibility of leading the home what it shows is is that men interpret that as respect um let me give you an exam let me give you an example meant next like men will become indifferent when they hear you're responsible but i'm in charge you're responsible but i'm in charge let me give you uh some tools for that next slide is for women verbalize or write little statements of admiration right thank you for being willing to die for us and then sign it with all my respect now for guys this is not natural language to women so give them some space and try to see what they're meaning underneath the attempt number two what the research shows is that is that men will see it as respect x if if the woman consistently and predictably initiates to meet his need for sexuality okay now i'm going to speak very clinically here i i assume that's okay we're all adults we should be able to say the word sex we should be able to say the word sperm we should be able to say things like this because these are natural scientific ways of saying i will not be crude but this this is the fact okay you ladies you are the only legitimate source for sexuality for your husband now that's obvious because think about it if he seeks sexual gratification anywhere but you how do you feel about that you are the only legitimate source for sexuality with your husband here's the thing here's the problem with sex okay it is really flipping complicated it's so there's health that's a variable there's drive there's hormones there's diabetes there's blood pressure there's stress copings there's fear there's bias there's backgrounds there's traumas and you're trying to mix all that stuff together i get it it is complicated what's important is not that there's one rule but that for you you've come to some same page on it but this is the basic truth of it okay ready here's ninth grade anatomy seventh grade anatomy men carry sperm and the primary role of that sperm is to reproduce and the how wow right the half-life of sperm is right at 40 hours which means if men go past 72 hours the sperm in their system is dead and no longer any good for reproduction and it somehow miraculously tells their brain that and they get agitated and everything in their brain is going hit the eject button please right so if you're ever wondering why is my husband acting agitated and funny why is he doing push-ups for no reason just start thinking hmm now there's no written rule on this but here's what the research shows is that when the woman takes the role of initiator and sexuality it's almost 100 interpreted as an act of belief and respect to the man now is that right i don't know is it wrong i don't know i just know that it is and that's the playing field we play in and so this is what the research says let me um let me give you a marriage tool for this next slide is take the role of initiator of sexuality you are the only legitimate sexual outlet he has for men slow down and be gentle during the day it is not in her to respond to harshness the last one i want to talk about that the research showed is this is that a good-hearted man will feel respected when it is consistently and predictably verbalize your honor for his desire to work achieve and provide in other words assure him with your mouth that he is enough your man's biggest fear is that you perceive him as less than compared to his peers and that has to do with money material things cars boats size of houses it's just in us to compare which brings me back to the example at white and wonks if the reason that hurts so bad is because when you compare somebody like that to a man it just doesn't work well let me illustrate this uh by telling you a story this is a true story about an american heroic pastor named evie hill um evie hill is uh is an african-american guy um he pastored for something like flip 60 years or something he built one of the biggest churches um in his area um he's an amazing amazing guy and evie hill was married to the same woman for 63 years that which is an amazing feat in and of itself and um and unfortunately his wife died before him so his wife passed away and he had to do her funeral all right and now think about that if you've been married for 63 years how much material do you have to draw upon and to honor your wife of 63 years the answer would be a lot it would actually be it's much harder to decide what to say than what not to say in that situation out of all the stories evie hill had to pull on his wife's memory here's what he said he said i stand before you today as the man of god that i am and become solely because of the greatness of this woman let me tell you why he said when i was young and first starting out in ministry i had nothing nothing he said i was working two jobs trying to get the church started is unbelievable he said i came home one day after working very very hard at my at his laboring job he said i came home and i looked up and she was setting the table with candles and i thought oh she's made me a candlelight dinner wow wow he said i went into the bathroom to wash up because i was disgusting he said i went into the bathroom you know when you're in your own house you don't have to think about it you know where the light switch is you know he said i i went into the bathroom and i went to flip the light switch and nothing happened and i went and he said after the third one is when the dread hit me and i realized she wasn't making a candlelight dinner i was too broke to pay the power bill and the power had been cut off and she was making candlelight by necessity because the electricity had been cut off and he said if i could have stayed in that bathroom till the day i died i would have i was so embarrassed i was so humiliated i sat i put the toilet lid down and i just sat on the toilet for a long long time dreading facing her knowing she thought i was a loser and finally it just hit me i can't be in here forever that doesn't make much sense he said so i thought i just got a facer and he said with great dread in my heart i went over to her and i couldn't even look her in the eye i looked at the ground i said i'm so sorry i'm working as hard as i can i can't i just couldn't pay the bill he said in that moment she could have destroyed me she didn't she took me by the hand and she lifted my head and she said hey hey listen there's not a person on this earth that is more right for me than you and there's not a person on this earth that i believe in right now more than you we'll deal with the bills tomorrow but tonight we dine by candlelight and it'll all be okay and he said i am who i am because she believed in me when i didn't deserve it when we give our spouse the gift of believing in them even if they don't deserve it it does something to your husband that is nourishing to his soul now let me close this out um let me give you a marriage tool oh a ladies a respect card honor and writing his desire not necessarily his performance and uh men don't lord that over them um let me let me close this out with five questions one next slide how far are you willing to go to get off the crazy cycle if you if your relationship's on the crazy cycle right now without love she responds without respect without respect he responds without love if your life's on the crazy cycle right now how far are you willing to go to get off of it it's time to stop that somebody's got to act first let's say it this way next slide who moves first somebody's gotta act first and the one that wiped first will be the one who's most mature let's say it this way number three out of today's points which is your weakest link are you willing to fix it what are two things you could implement this week to do so it was two things you could do this week to implement some of things we were just talking about number four if your son married a woman who treats him like you treat your husband how would you feel if your son married a woman who treats him like you treat his dead would you be excited about that and if not fix it because let me help you with that he's gonna and it's not because of oedipus it's because he thinks you're normal and he will seek out that version of normal when he relates last question next slide if your daughter married a man who treats her like you treat your wife how would you feel if your daughter married a man who treats her like you treat her mother how would you feel and if you're not really excited about that it's time to change something why because she's gonna and it's not for any weird reason it's just she thinks you're normal

Channel: Inspire Church New Zealand

Views: 1,818

Rating: 4.7777777 out of 5

Keywords: Inspire, Church

Id: moLQ8jn2d38

Length: 45min 53sec (2753 seconds)

Published: Sun May 02 2021