Redefining Honor to Fight Honor Killings | Khalida Brohi | TEDxBoulder

[Applause] there's a saying in my tribe is that Murray pain Murray Thomas even if I have nothing I should have honor I come from a country where honour matters more to people than food on their plates in small villages where people may struggle with deep poverty they actually cherish honor because that's their only possession that's their only true asset people trade with each other bring businesses to each other they support each other and invite each other to social activities because of that honor and so everybody works really hard to preserve their share of it when I was growing up in a small tribal community in Balochistan I knew two things very well number one honour matters a lot to my father and my uncles number two being the eldest daughter in my family I was the sole person who could dishonor them because women are still considered the wealth of their fathers and of their uncles as I grew older this anxiety and fear around this topic grew stronger for me because I started hearing the word murder in the same sentence as honor girls and women killed because they have brought shame to their male relatives when there's a conflict in a community in a child it is honorable to exchange young daughters it's honorable to exchange daughters as brides to solve the conflict when your brother's son can't find a bride it's actually honorable to give your infant daughter as a bride for him to be married often when she hits puberty I remember one time my cousins and I were playing in our small mud house and sin as I was scooping the mud in my hands to make a clay doll my cousin whispered to me do you know that our uncle has killed his wife because she dishonored him my heart sank I I just didn't understand what was dishonorable to men what is it that was dishonorable much later I found out what honor killings are actually when girls and women are suspected of having relationships before or outside of marriage they're killed to restore the family's honor this really outraged me this really scared me and even though I was a happy child I grew up in the fear that if I made one mistake I would dishonor my father but one day my father asked me to come and sit next to him his face was very serious so I knew there was this was going to be very important I was I was a little child at that time he's like Holly do you know how you will dishonor me I froze I literally froze my heart sank and my hands became cold and I couldn't breathe I knew that he knew the answer to this question but he just wanted to hear it from me you will dishonor me when you bring bad grades from school he said I thought I couldn't hear him correctly I have risked every bit of my dignity for you and your sisters by bringing you to the city I have brought tears he said to me I have brought tears to my into my father's eyes by not letting you be a child bride I have argued with my friends to give you the freedom and with this freedom they tell me that you can easily destroy my honor my honor now lies with you my Holly he said and the day you stopped working hard you will completely dishonor me he kept speaking but I couldn't hear him because my universe was suddenly taking a whole new shape around me my heart and my mind were expanding with this new awareness with this fresh new knowledge my brain just opened up with this new information a secret was spoken to me that day a secret that changed my life forever honor is not murder honor is not killing your daughters dishonor is not a girl who goes to school dishonor is not a girl who plays outside it is not a girl who refuses to marry at a young age it is not a girl who speaks laughs and takes the opportunities that come in front of her instead honor is identity honor is dignity it is serving those you love with integrity and hard work honor is being kind and open to strangers it is being the best in the world and praying for the best for people honor is being a nation that people praise and respect everywhere my father that day set me free but then nothing prepared me for this as I was growing up in my teenage coming into my teenage phase we went back to the villages as I go as we go on every vacation school vacation and I could not find one of my cousins I asked about her no one was telling me anything this cousin who was just two years older than me feisty really powerful she had fought really hard to go to school someone I really looked up to and loved playing with I found out that my uncle killed her because she fall in love this was amazingly shocking for me and this was extremely recent in the 2002 year the same honor that my father had gifted to me and I had taken my own I had used that honor to be a woman of power that same honor had killed my cousin I was extremely outraged and with this rage in my heart I started my fight against this crime at the age of 16 I started going door to door mobilizing young people going online and starting campaigns mobilizing activists all around the world challenging my cultural norms shouting against the policies in my country we said we faced a lot of setbacks we faced a lot of opposition but finally in 2009 we actually had a solution and the solution was to promote the tribal traditions we decided that we will use what has been misused all this time tradition and religion by going to the villages and educating men and women about what women's rights are under Islam and working to promote the cultures working to end the negative cultures by promoting the beautiful parts of the cultures this was 2009 it took us five more years to perfect this model and in 2013 we finally had it and I call it suger which means skilled and confident woman in suger we engaged both men and women we give socio-economic opportunities to women and we give education to men about women's rights and then we enable them to work together shoulder to shoulder we go into every village challenging men about their belief over Islam because in Islam actually there's a lot of parts in the Holy Quran where God constantly talks about women's rights do you know the word for daughters is actually Rama which means blessing and that is the word used for rain whenever it's raining they say it's rothman we go to tribal leaders and we remind them that their dishonor is actually in their traditions ending and their cultures dying in their songs being unsung and in their heritage heritage just losing going away from them and we give women economic opportunities to rise and become leaders and so that's how we fight honor killings we actually take the focus of Honor from seclusion of women to preserving culture to enabling women into becoming leaders I'm really proud to say that you know all these years ago when I started my journey it started with rage in my heart with deep anger and hatred in my heart but it has now evolved into this journey of love and forgiveness I now redefine honor for myself and my country through these three things education pride and awareness in education through my super Foundation we give education to women about their rights but also give them opportunities to unleash the potential in them to give them trainings and grants to become leaders in identity my husband David and I have launched a social enterprise in the United States called the choice path it's a place that promotes the beautiful parts of my country by bringing a taste of it into United States and giving 50% of its profits to women and children in Pakistan through different projects and through awareness I redefine honor by telling my very personal story and the stories of many other girls in the form of this memoir published by Random House which just came out because honestly at the end of the day honor is not our enemy it is the strength that enables us to thrive honor is what helps us stand up for justice it allows us to speak our truth it is what makes us do the right thing honor is what I really believe honor is what thrives companies it empowers companies sustains communities and inspires every individual in the world to do their best and to give the best in the world and hence it is time to redefine honor to reclaim honor for ourselves before it is used against us because honor is not the inheritance of men who use it to control women everyone should have honor every woman should have honor you should have honor and I should have honor thank you so much thank you you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 86,873

Rating: 4.9348388 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Childhood, Community, Death, Education reform, Freedom, Gender, Global issues, Human Rights, Learning, Men, Motivation, Positive Thinking, Sexual Assault, Social Change, Struggle, Success, Women in business, Women's Rights

Id: bzPIo4dzDV4

Length: 11min 10sec (670 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 09 2018