Recovering Sex Addict and Alcoholic-Tony

or uh Tony uh where'd you grow up where are you from originally Southern California um in the Inland Empire all over the Inland Empire moved around a lot as a kid like Riverside Santa Bernardino Riverside San Bernardino Fontana yeah um I spent a couple years in New Mexico ended up moving there when I was around 15 and I also traveled back and forth uh every summer so have some roots in New Mexico as well what was your uh childhood like with your family um my childhood was pretty good from the outside looking in um had some things going on in my childhood that would eventually lead me to a sexual addiction a drug addiction alcohol addiction um but these are things that I that I've done a pretty good job of keeping bottled up in fact some of the stuff that I'm going to talk about today I've never openly talked about with anybody but from the outside looking in it was good what was your relationship like with your mom and dad uh mom and dad a quick backstory on them they uh they met while my father was locked up my mom started writing him letters uh once he got out they got together at a young age like 17. but they ended up divorcing uh when I was one so I never actually saw my parents together but I've always had a great relationship with both of them I always say that I grew up on both sides of the fence life with my father and life with my mother were two very different uh experiences uh which was it your dad was the bad one my dad was uh the devil and one shoulder and your mom was the angel yeah something like that my dad was a great father not not to get that you know misunderstood but I could get away with a lot more with my father I experienced a lot more with my father my mother was was more strict um she monitored what I watched what I listened to where I was she knew my friends she knew what I was doing at all times kind of tried to keep me in bubble wrap so to speak I've heard you in school say again how far did you go in school I graduated high school never went to college I joined the military right out of high school I was in the Navy for two and a half years I was supposed to be in for four but I did two and a half years ago stayed out of trouble in the military in the High School in High School uh no high school is where trouble started for me um what'd you get into a lot of partying um a lot of sex a lot of sleeping around um experiment with drugs cocaine ecstasy Molly um growing up most of the men that I was influenced by in my family all served a significant amount of time in prison gang members drug dealers so at one point in my life I thought that that was the route I wanted to take I thought that that's what I needed to be in order to be respected in order to be a tough guy so I I dabbled in that area never joined a gang but I got into gang activity um stealing breaking into places I shouldn't have been fighting things of that nature never went to never went to prison [Music] and then I so in your 20s you got you did some time no no no never never once a person I've been to jail I've done some overnighters but never went to prison oh I see okay and then tell me about your 20s 20s um 20s was uh was wild I was I was doing a lot of drugs I was um I was partying a lot kicked out of the Navy and that had a lot to do with my sexual addiction and my alcohol intake that got me kicked out of the military um kind of just lost in my 20s didn't know who I was didn't know what I wanted to do with my life bouncing around a lot from um living situations to jobs just really trying to search for myself and uh trying to figure myself out getting through the addictions but the addiction started uh at a much younger age what do you think the addictions the worst of your addictions were um I would say I would say the sexual addiction was was the strongest one um but that is what brought in the drugs and the alcohol and then it all was just intertwined and um there's two particular things in my in my childhood that I think uh brought me there that you know amounted to that what do you think happened in your childhood the first thing I would say the foundation of a lot of my problems a lot of my insecurities a lot of um you know I had I had a major wall built up at a young age I had a stepfather came into my life when I was three and um he was a bully he was he was abusive verbally and physically um he would he would always call me a little boy don't do that little boy he'd always point at me don't do that little boy don't talk to me like that little boy and he would punch me Square in my chest push me down to the ground he did this thing where he would pull my ear and he would pull me all the way down to the ground and then he would dig his knee into my side and he would scold me that way throw me around but it was what made it worse is that you know I had to walk on eggshells with him there was times where he was really cool there was times where he played the part well the the loving stepfather but in any moment that could change and obviously had some issues of his own and uh and I was the one he took it out on so at a young age I I became very insecure very timid uh didn't know how to make friends um it didn't help that I moved around a lot as a kid I went to a couple different elementary schools two different middle schools three different high schools so making friends was always hard and um just didn't fit in as a young kid got bullied got jumped on the way home from school things like that I mean a parent like that is so destructive for our kids it is self-worth it is it is yeah I I must have felt like I couldn't do anything right um I remember growing up I always had good ideas I always had good thoughts I always had a good input but I never let it out because I had no confidence no confidence as a kid whatsoever it didn't help that I was getting bullied at home and at school so as a young kid I just completely shut down and then things started to change for me around 15 years old once I was 15 all right well the thing with my step dad that stopped around 13. um you know I always wondered you you hear this often with kids that are that are abused at home a lot of times you hear that they don't say anything they don't speak up and um I think personally it's because either they're afraid of the outcome or they just don't know that their situation is a situation you know if you know he was my stepfather since I was three and that was all I knew so maybe I didn't necessarily know that I had a shitty stepfather until I got older once I was 13 I finally told my dad and I think around this age I started to realize who my dad was my dad was was a thug he was a tough guy not to be messed with and so I finally told my dad what was going on and I don't remember if he called my stepdad personally or if he called my mother but he said the next time you put your hands on my boy I'm gonna fly to California and I'm gonna kill you and um that was when it finally stopped the abuse for my stepfather and then when I was 15 I decided to move out of California and go live with my father in New Mexico um I think I was ready to have my dad in my life every day there was things that I needed to be taught I needed to be taught how to defend myself how to fight how to work on a car you know things things that your father should should teach you and uh because when I was getting bullied in school and bullied at home I I wasn't a fighter and you know I was more afraid to fight I didn't I didn't want any any issues um so when I was 15 moved to New Mexico Las Cruces New Mexico to live with my father and at this time I was I was a good boy I was curious I was always curious because my mother kept me from things you know I wasn't allowed to see certain people in my family I wasn't allowed to stay the night with certain cousins um I wasn't allowed to cuss I wasn't allowed to watch movies with sex or cussing I wasn't allowed to listen to music with cussing and so I think that always made me curious for those things you know so I was curious but I was a good kid I didn't get in a lot of trouble yet at this age I was a virgin I had no plans on having sex yet my mother told me at a young age that if I had sex before marriage I'd go to hell and and I believe that that's what my mom told me and I believed it so she put the fear of God in Me and had no plans on having sex until marriage but when I was 15 I was living with my dad and this is when the the second most significant thing in my childhood happened um we had a neighbor that lived next door and there was like four young girls a brother a mom and a dad and they were all my age we were all you know 14 15 years old and um and we would play with these these kids you know we go to the house all the time we're always at the house this is who we played with on the Block um and we were curious kids we would play Truth or Dare stuff like that make out in the closet things like that but pretty innocent for the most part one day I walked over to the to the house to see if anybody was home knocked on the door and the mother answered the door and later on in life I found out that she was actually an illegal immigrant she barely spoke any English but enough to get through a conversation but very choppy and um she said nobody's home but you can come inside and you can wait if you want um until the kids get home and that wasn't strange you know I I was at this house every day the mother would cook dinner for us and stuff like that so it wasn't strange so I went inside and as soon as I walked in the door there's a couch to the right so as soon as I come in I sit down on the couch and she says why don't you come in my room and wait with me so I said okay so I got up and walked into the room with her and she said don't you sit down on the bed with me and at this moment I realized that this is getting a little personal so I remember my heart beating out of my chest I was nervous I knew something was off but I was curious about it and so I sat on the bed and she turned on the TV and and it was a full-blown hardcore pornography film and at this age I had seen magazines Maxim magazines Playboy magazines but I've never seen a porno like this before so she introduced me to that she turned it on and uh just started watching it with me she asked me if I liked it I said yeah I like it and um she said why don't you lay down so I laid down on the bed she got down off her side of the bed walked over to where I was and she started massaging my shoulders my chest my legs and then um she stuck her hand down my pants and started to massage me and uh she asked me if I liked it and I said yeah I like it and uh she uh she pulled my dick out and she started giving me head and that was the first time that I've ever felt that ever experienced that and I remember being extremely nervous but I liked it it felt great and it was the first time I experienced any of this um I wrote about this situation in a song I want to share the lyrics with you before I continue on with the story I said I said I was 15 she was 36 I give to her my innocence this filthy [ __ ] put a filthy flick put a silky lips right on my dick admittedly I was nervous I never felt this I like it I love it she [ __ ] me I'm ruined she is selfish a rotted seed planted by the Devil Himself for this seed would grow like weeds contaminate to oneself forbidden fruit forbidden you forget to spit out this pitiful you bit the sweet deceit discreet defeat is at your feet satisfaction grasp it quicker than a New York minute stupid you consumed up in a switch and meet your doom within it hit your knees hold crucifixes too suspicious who can fix this I'm a nuisance plead forgiveness hit my knees right after she did that's the only time that I've ever spoke on this situation it's an older song It's a song I put out when I first started making music a lot of people haven't even heard this song um but to get how old are you now 33. so you carry this with you all these years yeah I think for a long time I just uh pretended like it wasn't a big deal it wasn't until much later in life and I'll get there in the story that I realized wow I can't believe that I went through that and didn't think it was you know a big deal um so she uh she said I don't have time right now um the kids and my husband will be home soon but I want you to come back later tonight and I'll let you in the back door and I'll show you more so I said okay so I came back that night my husband was gone he worked nights the kids were all asleep and she brought me into the back door and um and she showed me how to have sex I lost my virginity to this woman she was 21 years older than me she showed me how to have sex she showed me different positions she showed me how to penetrate deeper she showed me how to please her I think that was that was her main objective to teach this this young boy how to please me and um and uh I became addicted to that feeling everything I felt that day you know imagine being a 15 year old boy a good kid a virgin hadn't seen pornography yet or nothing like that and all in a matter of 20 minutes I'm introduced to all of this and uh she opened up that door you know for the devil to come in and and uh he didn't just come in quietly busted down the door and came in with friends you know and um so that was the start of my sexual addiction I I wanted that feeling all the time I thought about sex all the time I became addicted to pornography um I remember living at my dad's house we didn't have uh internet we didn't have Wi-Fi I had a PSP a PlayStation Portable and you could use the internet on those things we didn't have Wi-Fi but the neighbor across the street did so I would sneak out in the middle of the night and I would sit in front of the neighbor's house and steal the Wi-Fi to download pornography and um even worse than that uh you know we lived in the desert there wasn't a lot in Las Cruces yet it was a lot of just open desert and when we were kids we would walk through the desert looking for snakes and lizards and stuff but uh I started to find porn magazines scattered throughout the desert everywhere and my only guess is that they were left behind from homeless people and uh so after a while I would stop looking for lizards and snakes and I started going into the desert just to collect these magazines and I'd bring them home and keep them dirty magazines left behind from homeless people and I'd go looking for them and bring them home and keep them that's crazy um so porn addiction um sexual addiction and what I experienced that day was forbidden fruit is the way that I like to explain it she was married she was 21 years older than me she was the mother to my friends and and I had to sneak around you know to have this relationship with her so everything about about it was forbidden and so as my sexual addiction grew it wasn't enough for me to just have sex with women I wanted something forbidden I wanted that chase I wanted something I wasn't supposed to have and that that ruined a lot of relationships a lot of friendships I've I've slept with friends girlfriends friends wives um friends sisters sisters of sisters my sisters friends a lot of married women are forbidden relationship's the only ones that interest you no I wouldn't say the only ones but it was definitely what made me feel that adrenaline again that Adrenaline Rush that I was that I was searching for I had you know regular relationships but those ones made me feel different uh I think it somehow made me feel in control or or a sense of maybe revenge or or Empower empowerment um I yeah I was I was addicted to to the chase I guess you can say um and just having something I shouldn't have had and then um like I said the the sexual addiction um that started to introduce alcohol and and drugs because it was all intertwined you know alcohol I learned at an early age that alcohol broke down that wall for me it it gave me confidence it gave me courage it allowed me to be sociable it allowed me to be funny everything that I wasn't before I thought for for many years for for a decade I thought that you know alcohol was my friend alcohol made me into the person that I wanted to be I thought I wanted to be but I really just had a wall built up and um alcohol was was not good I I've I've been in so many situations where because I was the type of Drinker that would black out most of the time I drink I blacked out I've woken up in bed with women completely naked and not knowing how I got there that's happened many times I've I've gotten to fights and uh broken people's property punched holes in walls a lot of anger would come out when I would drink and that was that was what led me to to get kicked out of the military to um I joined the military right out of high school and went to Thailand twice and the first time I went to Thailand I I had been drinking all day and by the end of the night I left the club with a female I would assume she was a hooker of some sort she wasn't from the ship she was a Thai girl and I left the club with her and went to another spot the spot that she took me to was a two-story building and the bottom floor was a bar and the top floor was was a whorehouse and um you know while everyone else on the ship was doing fun things like kayaking and rock climbing and stuff this is what I was doing I was chasing uh chasing women you know um some of the story is a blur uh but I remember enough to tell it I remember drinking on the on the first floor with this woman and I remember following her upstairs and when I get upstairs this is where I black out something must have happened something must have set me off made me angry or scared um I remember being in a room a small room and I was trying to get out of the room and I couldn't get out the door was locked I couldn't find a way out and I remember just being in a complete rage I was throwing things in the room I was breaking things I was punching holes in the wall couldn't get out of this room finally I found a window and I busted out the window and um stepped outside the window and now I'm on the roof I'm on the roof of this this uh this building and then as I start walking across the roof to get away I fall through the roof the entire roof just collapses and I fall down to the first floor and um and then I black out again and the next thing I remember being arrested by Thailand police and escorted back to the ship and when I got to the ship and then this you know they sent me to Medical I was all scraped up and bruised and um when I started to sober up I told them right away I said I want to be drug tested I want to know if I was drugged I want to know what happened and they wouldn't they wouldn't test me they wouldn't drug test me they just wrote me off as a drunk mess and and that's it so still to this day I I don't know the details of that night but chasing women and alcohol is what got me there luckily the Navy didn't kick me out after that they gave me a chance they sent me to anger management through the military they sent me to AAA through the military um they put me on restriction I was in the military for two and a half years and for six months of that time I was on restriction I was always in trouble because of alcohol restriction means I had a badge with a big r on it and I couldn't leave the ship it wouldn't matter if we were home in San Diego or if we were out in another country I couldn't leave the ship I had to stay on the ship do extra Duty stuff like that so after I did my anger management my AAA all my restriction a year later we're back in Thailand again and because I did you know I finished all my punishment I was able to go off the ship but I had to be back at a certain time this time I didn't come back I didn't come back to the ship I found myself with uh women again Thai women um this time I got a hotel room with with some friends and we brought a handful of hookers to the hotel room and and had a big orgy recorded it all that video is probably floating around somewhere I don't know um and I was supposed to be back on the ship and I stayed out so when I finally did return to the ship they had enough with me and this was what finally sent me home so I got kicked out of the military and um when I went home from the military I finally decided that I wanted to settle down and finally decided that I wanted to be with one woman and try to relax stop the drinking stop all that and and I got slapped in the face um I met a girl at a restaurant I was working at and um any relationship that I had ever been in prior to the relationship I'm in now started with sex all my relationships started with sex that's how they started so I met this girl at a restaurant we were working together we started hooking up and um we were together seven months she got pregnant and I was looking forward to being a father I was ready to settle down I was going to use this as something to be responsible for and and to you know have a bigger purpose in life than just partying sex so uh we you know we told the whole family everybody was was in tune with what was going on we were going to have a baby and um you know we had some issues a matter of fact right right before she got pregnant we had broke up uh just for a short amount of time and in that time I was already sleeping with other women and she found out so that was really hard for her to accept she calls me up one night when she's pregnant and we're expecting the baby and she says I'm getting an abortion tomorrow morning and there's nothing to do about it and that was the last time that I ever seen or heard from her so slap in the face you know I finally tried to settle down and and do that whole thing and it didn't work so then that's when I started doing drugs that's when I started doing cocaine uh Molly Ecstasy uh partying stopped working for months slept on my mom's couch I was a bum and the sexual addiction grew stronger I I at this time I got into like meeting women on social media and um I I would even meet women that lived out of state out of California and I would get them to fly to California just to be with me for the weekend and and that was my thing you know I found enjoyment in that um just partying and sex partying and sex drugs alcohol I was lost for a long time my mom would come home from work and I'd have a woman on the couch my mom would come home from being gone for the weekend and find me in her bed with another woman it's a it's disgusting it's disrespectful you know and and that's the behavior I was doing um and then my mom finally had enough of that she uh she kicked me out and I went to go live with my dad at this time he's not in New Mexico anymore he's now in Apple Valley California so I went to go live with my father um and at this time in my life I again was trying to clean up I was trying to be sober I was trying to stay away from women and um you know throughout all this I I've never seen a counselor I've never talked to a therapist nothing I've tackled this on my own my entire life just between me and God I believe in God I pray a lot I was raised in church so that's something you know that my mom put in my life at a young age and it's just been me and God the whole way just a lot of prayer a lot of uh trial and error a lot of failure um but I never gave up on myself at this time I started to have this voice in my head and and and God was telling me I have something special for you but you you have to get clean you have to be sober and you have to stop chasing women and and that voice was so strong man every time that I'd go out and do my thing the next morning when I woke up hungover I heard that voice you got to stop I have something for you I have something special for you but you got to stop you got to get clean and I battled with that for years and then uh and then I met a woman who's my wife now and um she was the most pure woman I've ever met she was she was good she she was not like any other woman that I had ever had a relationship with and I knew that right away and I knew that this was part of you know what God was telling me and for the first time in my life I was I guess you could say forced to fall in love with a woman without sex my wife was a virgin when I met her and and I had no intentions on taking that from her um so we we were in a relationship and and we fell in love and we built a friendship and that was the first time I ever experienced that so 10 years after this woman showed me how to love sexually I meet another woman who shows me how to love without sex and and I needed that that was that was what changed a lot for me and my wife she came into my life and she helped me with my sobriety she helped me clean myself up and now we're married we've been together nine years we're married we have a five-year-old boy I've been sober from drugs for five years I'm still on my journey with alcohol um I've it's I make it to like a year sober and then I I have a relapse you know at least once a year it's been like that way for the past five years but I I could honestly say I haven't been drunk in five years but I I slip up you know and I'm still on that Journey but I I do plan on living a sober life from alcohol and um you know this year I'm picking myself up and and making that attempt again um but um somewhere in there where where I met my wife and I and I and I did get clean at one point in my life I was completely sober for two years and during that time is when I found my passion and my talent for for music for writing music I'm a hip-hop artist I'm an independent hip-hop artist I've been making music for five years as soon as my son was born and I found myself through sobriety and through prayer I just prior to when my son was born I had never wrote music I had never tried to be an artist myself I had I mean nothing at all you could ask people who I grew up with people from school never at all and once I was sober and my son was born Rhymes just started coming through my head my mind was filled with Rhymes all the time all the time I was rhyming in my head rhyming in my head and um and I started to pay attention to it and then one night I was laying in bed I couldn't sleep and I had these Rhymes in my head I pulled out my phone and I started writing my notes and at that moment I realized that that God put something special in me that I couldn't see for years you know most most artists uh most successful artist hip-hop artists you hear their story they've been doing it since they were 15 16 20. it was never like that for me and I realized now it was because I was I was distracted I I couldn't see anything in front of me because I was distracted I was chasing women I was drunk I was on drugs and as soon as I let all that go I found what was inside me and I'm a phenomenal artist I I have a special way with words with lyricism storytelling and uh I believe I have a future ahead of me in music and and I'm right in the middle of it right now and um I would have never found that if I didn't find sobriety if I didn't let go of my addictions if I didn't um break that wall down naturally because alcohol broke that wall down but I had to break that wall down on my own how are you emotionally when you were going through that that period oh I mean being a young teen and then meeting your wife um like throughout the entire process the sex addiction the alcoholism emotionally um I mean it sounds like fun for a lot of people right yes yes that's a great Point uh you know there's people that will listen to the story and say you know 36 year old woman at 15 that sounds like a great time but for me I always wanted better for myself and I knew that these things were toxic um and and I hope that I can be an inspiration and a message to other young men especially today because in the world we live in today sex is everywhere and it's accessible when I was 15 I had to go out and find a porn magazine or or watch a porn on TV but today it's on your phone just pick it up it's right there right there in your reach for little kids too for little kids too yeah and I I would like to be that message uh to let young men know that it's it's toxic it might seem enjoyable it might seem you know that was I think that was part of my uh problem through all my addictions was why should I not have this if I enjoy it I enjoy it why should I not have it but sometimes things that we enjoy are toxic for us and sexual addition is is very toxic especially pornography at a young age it gives you a false reality of what a real relationship should be like it takes away from your natural confidence and and your perception on what life really should be like and what a relationship should be like and I had friends throughout my entire life that did the things I did and and were totally okay with it that was their lifestyle but for me I was always different I always had this voice inside me that said you need to do better this is not good for you you need to do better and um and when I finally listened to that voice and I let go of all these toxic things in my life I found my passion in life I found out that I could write music I mean I I can't stress enough how incredible when I when I realized how talented I was with writing music it was it was emotional I cried I couldn't believe it coming from a kid with no confidence a kid who would never step on a stage and and tell his story or or sit behind in front of a camera and tell his story um I wasn't I was never great at anything I wasn't great at sports it wasn't great at anything I was just mediocre my whole life and when I realized how well I could put words together and how well I could write music and rap it was incredible it was like it was like I found a Hidden Gem inside me and and now hindsight I know that it was always there because I was always infatuated with rap music with music I was always infatuated with lyricism and and I would study artists and I would study their story and I would watch their their documentaries and I was much more into music than anybody around me so it makes sense now now it makes sense and and at an early age I would write little poems for my mom stuff like that and now it makes sense it was always there it was always there but I couldn't see it and it's almost like the sex addiction was just a distraction that kept you from finding it absolutely absolutely yeah that uh you know overpowered anything else that was in my life I I was chasing that Adrenaline Rush that that feeling that made me feel good coming from a child who was abused at home bullied at school no confidence to now being able to please women because that was the thing for me I I didn't it wasn't that I needed to be pleased I wanted to please the woman that was that and that's what she taught me you know and so through my sex addiction it was about me pleasing a woman I want to make you feel like you've never felt before and that made me feel some type of way Tony what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned in all of this it's uh it's always been me versus me you know I could I could blame it on my stepdad I could blame it on her but it's always been me versus me I always had the angel on my shoulder I always had that voice in the back of my head I always had the desire to want to do better and and I was fighting myself the entire time I was fighting myself the entire time and you you just have to reach a point where where you're done beating yourself up and you have to take control you got to sit in the driver's seat and you have to take control and find a way to be disciplined find a way to be the one in control because it's you versus you your situations in your life may affect you and they may cause you to do these things but you're in the driver's seat the whole time the whole time it's nobody else's fault but yours it's nobody else's it's in nobody's hands but yours and if I could do it anybody can do it and I'm I'm certainly not against therapy or or having a counselor or anything like that but I've never had one never had one it was always me and prayer and just just paddling myself and and I got through it I'm happy now I'm sober I have a beautiful wife a beautiful son I live a good life and in this life as fun as that life sounded all the women all the partying did I enjoy it during the time of course I did but I'm so much happier now I'm happier now I'm complete and I'll take this life over that life any day excellent story thank you Tony thank you so much for sharing it thank you for having me good luck with your music thank you

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 665,206

Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu

Id: fCfwbRawzLA

Length: 36min 49sec (2209 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 03 2023