"Can produce very good work but rather
disorganized about handing it in. Quiet in class". That's like: "I've noticed one aspect of your
ADHD and I've noticed one aspect of your autism" (cheerful music) Hello everyone and welcome back to my channel.
A really big welcome to those of you who are new here who found my channel from my last video
about autism and ADHD and having both. Before I get started, I just really want to share some very
exciting personal news, that my workbook about autistic traits is finished and I've submitted
it to Amazon for review. It's really meant for people who are just starting out on their journey,
learning about autism, recognizing it in themselves. Kind of understanding how this fits in with
their whole life. But you don't really know what to do about that. You may think "yeah this
really sounds like me but what next?", and you might talk to your therapist who's a bit like
"well I don't know what to do with that either". And I know that there's a lot of confusion in those early months or even early years when you're kind of just figuring things out and
and figuring out what does this mean. "is this an autistic trait? I didn't know that was an Autism
thing". I've been there, I've been there the last - God how many years have been since my
diagnosis? - four maybe? I think four. But I understand the confusion and that's why I created
this resource to help you in your journey. It is a true labor of love and I'm really excited for
the release. So please keep an eye out for the next couple of videos where I'll be talking a bit
more about the workbook and obviously giving you information how to buy it. Oh so excited!!! But enough waffle. Today I'm going to talk about my old school reports, because... Actually that's kind of a part of
diagnosis process as well, is looking back at your childhood seeing what comments teachers made or
what comments people who knew back then made. When I was in the UK over the summer I picked up all
my old school reports, or most of them I think, and brought them back and read through them and was
like "humm, there's some very interesting stuff". Interesting comments that maybe are probably quite
obvious, comments that you would expect but maybe not. So, I'm just going to go through them. I've got
a few from primary school and most of the rest are from secondary school and see what my teachers
said about me back in the 90s and 2000s. Which was admittedly a very different time. Oh my God
it's like 20 years ago! 20 years ago! So obviously as an undiagnosed autistic/ ADHD /potentially
gifted kid, there is an interesting kind of intersection of the three of them. I remember
reading a tweet somewhere, where it said "were you the neurodivergent kid who is always a pleasure
to teach or are you the neurodivergent kid who had so much potential?". So before we start I just
want to give you some background, which I think is somewhat relevant. Both of the schools that
I went to primary and secondary were all girls private schools with heavy emphasis on academic
performance, academic success, extracurricular success, basically being the best. You know, be
best! And my secondary school in particular was definitely a place for the so-called, you
know, elites of society. I still remember being very amused when I listened to my head mistress
that, it was some social event that I was invited to, my headmistress schmoozing with somebody
saying "don't you know? We've got a princess here!" The princess was me. No, I'm just kidding. I'm not
princess... Or am I? But it was just quite funny because I very much did not fit into that world
not just for reasons related to autism, elitism kind of played its part as well. Success was very
much marked by high grades, high performance and eventually a place at an elite worldwide
universities. You know, it was that kind of a place. So I'm going to start with just a couple
of reports from primary school. Let's go back to 1995. So age 10: "Samantha is a very mature member of the group..." I know a lot of autistic kids can sometimes give off the impression of being very
mature for their age. "She's very single-minded and sets herself high standards..." Oh, so it's my fault
is it? "Samantha is very quiet but she is popular and is growing more confident in her friendships."
English: "strongly motivated. Works carefully and thoughtfully and her work is always beautifully
presented. She's a quiet girl but she's becoming more confident about joining in oral work." Yes.
"She works with great diligence and enthusiasm..." That's maths. "Diligent worker" Science. French: "She's always produced excellent work, it's been pleasure teaching her." Yeah, that's... History: "She works quietly and sensibly." oh it says "unfortunately in the exam she only answered two out of the four questions
required but the two questions she answered were of an excellent standard. She must try to speed up".
Something about doing my ability - real ability - justice. Well I answered 50% of the exam and I got
47%, that's pretty good actually. Geography: "in the lessons she seldom participates but her exercises
are neat and correct". Religious education: "she did fairly well in her examination but I would have
expected a higher mark from her". This is Art: she has shown in her quiet way that she can produce
neat creative work through diligence and forth order." So this next one it was my form tutor,
who clearly liked me and I just want to point out that, like it is a really nice thing.
I'm not saying that this isn't a nice thing to write about someone but I want to read this
whole thing about see what she said about me. "Samantha is a quietly positive and determined
people, who is unfailingly pleasant and courteous. She works very hard and achieves a high standard
in all her activities. She deserves congratulations for both academic achievement and her commitment
to gymnastics." When I read this I actually cried, when I was going through it I cried. Because I
thought - what a lot to put on a 10 year old, an 11 year old. "Unfailingly pleasant and courteous"!
That is who I am, and anything that's below that is not accepted. No mistakes are accepted.
What does it actually do? It just sets you up to crash and burn and fail, and there's nowhere to
go from that there's. Nowhere to go, there's no room for improvement and that's not to say that
you shouldn't compliment or praise people who are working hard and who are cooperative and
whatever... members of society... I can't believe I'm complaining about that! About that school report!
But actually it just felt like, so much to put on on a young child. Some of the other comments that
are here: "very conscientious, are always gives her best... Works conscientiously, she's a quiet diligent girl,
quietly confident" - How many times have I said quiet now? - "Well organized." "Samantha works quietly but
is joining in class discussions far more." "Needs to participate more in oral work." "She seldom
participates in discussion." "She has a sensible mature attitude towards her endeavors and she is
a pleasure to teach." "She shows distinct musicality in all she undertakes, her singing voice is strong
and clear." Oh this is actually really nice! I like getting complimented on my voice."She's an
excellent gymnast. "She's a dedicated member of the squad" "High standards"... blah blah blah. Yeah, I mean it goes on like this. To be honest this is primary school, if you did well in your academics
you get good reports. So by the time I left Primary School, "conscientious", that seems to
be in every single one. "She should be pleased", "gained extra mark for effort this time", "she's been
a pleasure to teach", "she's been a real pleasure to teach", "she's has outstanding natural ability and
uses it well, her contribution to the gymnastic squad has been faultless." "she has a wonderful
sense of humor and I will miss her greatly" Ah, that's my gymnastics teacher. What does it say at
the end? "Her obvious academic abilities have been rewarded with excellent and well-deserved results
she's a studious and talented people and we await news of promising grades at GCSE." So that was what my primary school teachers thought of me. Actually that was a little bit of a self-esteem boost to
read. Yes I am quite excellent. It's a shame that none of this, at the time, made any difference to
my horribly low self-esteem. Let's move on to my secondary school, which I started when I was
just about 10 / 13 or something and stayed in until I was 18. it's a very big pile. Autumn
1998, English: "she found the unit test difficult in the sense that she started off too slowly and
hence failed to finish. The rest of the work has been very good and I feel she has potential." Okay.
French: "She's made excellent progress this term. She should, perhaps, aim to assert herself more orally."
Scripture: "She's made a most encouraging start. I should like to see her participate a little more
in class discussion." And then the form teacher says: "She's settled in well although rather quiet. She's
helpful, attentive and cooperative." I struggled so much that first term of secondary school I was
so out of my depth. Puberty hit and - it was just - it was just a mess. I was a mess. I really didn't
like it there, I was so anxious and they just want to know how well I'm doing. Biology: "She's
still rather quiet" History: "She lacks confidence." Geography: She's worked quietly and steadily."
Latin: "Quietly studious." Drama: "she has gained, grown in confidence." Right so this one was one
that actually did make me laugh. This is the end of the first year and... (laughs) "She got off to a slow start in the English exam, apparently having lost her pen" - We start to see little Snippets of ADHD
creeping in as time goes on it's quite funny. I say funny it's also sad. - "But lack of time
became a problem and probably largely accounts for her slightly disappointing mark." I found it
very stressful to do timed exams. It's a very kind of fake atmosphere. There are a few exams that
you'll do in your adult life but most of the time you're not writing, you're not producing these
kind of things to time depression. Nobody says: "Can you write a paragraph about this in an hour?"
Unless you're like, a journalist, your experience at school is very artificial, it doesn't necessarily
relate to the real world. So you're learning all these skills to do well in exams but what are you
going to do with those skills afterwards? You're going to write essays. This one's a funny one "she
remains quiet in lessons and for a self-confessed non-enthusiast for this subject - history - she's
done remarkably well." I can actually just see me as a 13 year old having the teacher being
like, "do you like history Sam?" And me going "no" Like, "no". Sorry, is that insulting? Nah. I'm about age
14 now. "Steady progress, making progress, thoughtful and thorough, steady progress." Biology: " Can produce very good work but rather disorganized about handing it in. Quiet in class." That's like "I've
noticed one aspect of your ADHD and I've noticed one aspect of your autism." "Coping very well on
paper but one must contribute more to lessons." It's funny because that's French and then in
German: "she contributes well in lessons"; French and German, you know, two languages that I was both
are actually good at both of them. One of them I was clearly able to contribute more in lessons
and I suspect that's because the German class was much smaller, it was easier for me to kind of feel
less intimidated in a large group. I probably liked my German teacher better. My French teacher, the one who kept on saying "she needs to contribute more, she needs to contribute more", is actually one
of the only people who noticed how anxious I was the entire time. So she says after talking
about, how I'm doing: "she's highly reluctant to participate in lessons, however and can be a
most anxious student. She was very nervous before her oral examination. She has not met all her
deadlines this year, often due to absence and this has concerned me. I do hope that this very
pleasing result will give her confidence." Yes, I was completely anxious, I was terrified of oral
exams in languages. I just thinking it's amazing that, you know, I get all these comments about
"oh she's so quiet" and this and that but this is the first one where she's actually like
"she is anxious, she's really anxious". Music: "Her project based on songs from the series 'Friends'
was imaginative and interesting." And they say that autistic special interests are obsessive. I was
really enthusiastic about incorporating all of my interests into my work at that age. Right, summative
report, God this is for a 14 year old. Summative report: "she's an exemplary student who
works steadily and diligently at all times. She unfailingly..." - that's the second time I've heard
this word, unfailingly - "...presents a mature composed and positive outlook on life. She's played a quiet
role in the house showing considerable loyalty and integrity towards her friends. It's a pleasure to
see her growing in confidence." It's funny to see what they see from the outside, isn't ? I don't
know what's going on, I need to... So this is 15, when I was 15. Maths: "Her test results have not been as high as I expect of her." I actually don't remember what happened in my life this year. I think I
was just sort of crumbling under the weight of depression and anxiety but this is the year when
I start to get comments like "careless mistakes", "I know she can do better than this", "her potential
blah blah blah", "she lacks self-confidence and is reticent in answering questions in class. I'm sure
she has a lot to offer in lessons. She must use the opportunities to make positive contributions. Her
preparations, her preps homeworks are very good, showing her understanding of the subject but she must ensure she always hands them in on time." Yeah, I did lack self-confidence. Their solution is just
like, "she needs to be more confident in order to make up for her lack of self-confidence", and there wasn't ever any like, "what can we do to help you become more confident?". You know, there was none of that. I have so much potential if only I just stopped with all the things that were difficult.
"She's making satisfactory progress but should improve the punctuality of our work". Clearly I
was struggling with the workload at this point. I was doing 10 gcses and I ended up dropping
history, because I hated it, and so a lot of the comments at this point were showing how much I was struggling with the workload and organizing it and just getting everything done. Because I was also doing quite a lot of extras at the time and nobody was really paying attention to the kind of
holistic thing, because each of these ones they saw me in one lesson and nobody really put it all
together. The house mistress said: "She's a quiet conscientious worker, keeps a low profile in the
house but seems to be happy." Spoiler alert: I was not! Let's see what I've posted noted this time. "Her self-confidence has grown..." - This is biology - "...enabling her to make valuable contributions to class
discussion." So clearly I was trying really hard at working on what they were saying. "Her preparations
have been excellent and she has overcome the problem of handing them in late." If only we knew it was as easy as just trying harder we can overcome all our problems. So, actually I say none of them
got me but, I'm just reading this from an English teacher who said: "Her love of the subject
is clear", and it's like, this is the first comment that I've had in four years where they talk about
whether I like the subject or not like I am passionate about it? It's the first comment where anyone actually cares. It's talking about... I was doing Pride and Prejudice. I actually really did
like Pride and Prejudice, I think that there is a lot of neurodivergently coded characters
in it and I would very much like to do a video. I have got a video planned, I don't know when it's
going to be but let me know in the comments if you would be interested in a Pride and Prejudice
video. Because I definitely would and I even bought a bonnet. So this is an interesting
one about French. This was around the time that I was struggling with hearing, right? And I
was getting really stressed about my language results because I couldn't hear the listening
things. And so, I actually ended up going to a hospital to get my ears like, thoroughly cleaned
out and do hearing tests basically. My dad has some hearing loss from a virus he had when he was
younger, and so we just wanted to be sure that I wasn't you know, having any hearing problems
and my hearing was perfect. The problem that I had was more of an auditory processing issue. The way that I process language is more visual. Reading is very much my strongest thing and even when I'm
listening it's almost like I'm trying to process the words visually. When you have a language
like French, where the sound doesn't match up with the letters all the time. So for example in
German it's like, clear and precise. The letters every syllable is pronounced and when in
French when you have, like you know, words like "Grenouille". So the auditory processing thing
was made worse by the fact that French is arguably a harder language to kind of process
or auditorily - oh that's not - or you know, aurally, Aurally, but also back then we weren't
even on CDs in the Language Department, we were on cassette tapes. And I don't know if you know
anything about the quality of, not just cassette recording, but also like, the crap they gave us for
the language stuff. It's really really hard to hear. So I was struggling from that perspective because there was a lot of background noise and that's something that I still do struggle with. So again
this is more in my GCSE year, when I was 16. "She conducts herself in a serious and unfussy manner." I am anything but serious like, in all points of my life I have always had a kind of like, Whimsical
nature and trying not to take things too seriously, even serious things, actually. But that's who I
felt I needed to be it's very serious, unfussy. That's an interesting word to describe, isn't?
I could have had much better feedback on like, where I would be headed and you know, what strengths I do have, rather than just focusing on this really bland academic kind of stuff. Right,
this is an interesting one because this is Speech and Drama. This is something that I chose to do
because when I was a teenager what I really wanted to be was an actress. Despite the fact that
I was actually too self-conscious to get up on stage and act. This is a comment from my Speech and Drama's teacher saying: "she's begun to display more emotional involvement in her acting", and I thought that that was quite a funny kind of like autistic thing. About being robotic sometimes. I've worked on creating tension within a scene. Or have I? So, another comment from my Drama teacher: "She has developed some variety in vocal expression. She must now strive to relax." We all strive for that,
thank you. So, the summative report, I was 17. "Making sound progress. Conscientious worker". Same as say, same old same old. "Her teachers all mentioned the need for wider reading and she should hear
this advice so she can perform to an even higher standard. She enjoys her extracurricular
activities and manages her time well so she can cope with the demands of gym, dance, the play and Young Enterprise. She used to be congratulated on the great achievement of being made School ICT officer." I'm amazed that everybody's just like, "She's coping so well." "She's doing amazing." I'm just like, silently super depressed in my room. So, now in Maths they talk about checking my work carefully to avoid unnecessary mistakes. So listen to this in German: "Her target for the future should be
to improve on this already pleasing standard" It's like, "nothing is good enough. You must improve
everything", but the way that I did work in all my subjects was that I wasn't necessarily working
as hard as they thought I was. I was working in that kind of panicked ADHD way which is a lot
very very intense in short bursts. Because I couldn't manage my time. We've reached the final year of school, where I'm preparing for my A-level exams and applying for universities. Physics, I make careless errors and doesn't always achieve my full potential, "she's got great knowledge and ability
but if only she could fulfill her potential then she would achieve all the marks that she's
capable of", and it's this kind of stuff that it's like, I tried so hard and it just was never
good enough because apparently I could be doing better. So this is the House Mistress's final
report: "Samantha deserves great success in her final assessment. Having maintained a high level of effort and achievement throughout the year. Despite feeling below par at times, she has always been
self-motivated, developing mature and independent work habits. She has contributed greatly to
the positive atmosphere taking responsibility for herself and handling the increased freedom
and autonomy with common sense and wisdom. Her delightful sense of fun and friendship have been
invaluable as have her thoughtful and sensitive dealings with those around her. She has given
generously of her time and talents to the school and we wish her joy and success for the future."
I think that was the first time that joy was mentioned and not in the context of a "joy to teach".
So clearly I was very well liked by teachers, they liked my maturity, my hard work, my general vibe. They didn't like how quiet I was, obviously. And they thought that I could be trying harder. And
that's kind of the takeaway that I get, those are the messages that I was sent over and over again. "You need to talk more", "you need to work harder", "you need to be more organized". I mentioned there's really only one teacher whoever says "she's really anxious", you know? And I was really anxious.I was so terrified I like I couldn't speak in a lot of these cases and you know they're all saying "oh, she needs to speak more". Like, yeah I would if it didn't send me into a into a you know great panic. Sometimes you'd get comments from teachers here and there about specific things and you think "okay, well maybe we should investigate that since that's clearly something that she has problems
with. Why is she not handing in her homework on time if she's so conscientious and hard working? Like, what's going on there?" The main thing that I noticed reading it is how much pressure it put
on me like, so intense and just like "she's doing really well but I think that she could do
even better." That's a way to kind of propel you forward in life through momentum, but it's really
not a way to you know develop good mental health, develop a good work life balance or even think
that those things are important. Because it was assumed well, if you don't want to be better.
Don't you want to be even better? And then after that you can be even better and it just never
stops. I think nobody really knew me that well at school. I didn't let people in. I certainly didn't
let them into any of my weaknesses or insecurities saying like "hey I'm really struggling organizing
myself" because I thought that the solution that they would give me would just be like, "well
can you just do better? Can you just try harder?" And I was really depressed and anxious, especially in my, I would say, final three years of school and it just really makes me feel sad looking back. It
makes me feel sad for myself. Like, they had these high expectations of me that I was reaching and I was still failing. I feeling like I was failing at it. You know, I just I still have a lot of feelings
about this. And I think one of the best things I did for myself without really realizing it at the
time why, was I got out of that environment. I could very easily have given into this pressure and
for me the pressure would be apply to Oxbridge or I think Harvard because I was really obsessed
with America at the time. I really wanted to go to Harvard. Clearly been watching Gilmore Girls. But I didn't apply .I think at the time I was just so afraid that I would fail at that and I just
couldn't deal with that, but also I had the sense that I wanted to get out of this very traditional
hyper academic environment and I wanted to like, explore myself and have a little bit more fun. And
I think that I ended up being a really good choice for me, I think had I gone to well it would have
been Oxford for psychology, I think had I gone to Oxford I would not have thrived. I think I would
have crumbled. And that's not necessarily would have been a fault of mine but definitely a way of
the culture there, the academic culture of kind of like pushing and pushing pushing a more intense
version of my school. And I guess the takeaway that I want you to think about if you have a
child like I was or if you are a teacher and you teach you know kids who are like me, is that
their academic output is no indicator of their mental health at the time. Especially if they're a
bit like you know, reserved and they're not really showing you how they're feeling, they're shutting
all of that out, you're focusing so much on their potential and their excellence and their output
and what they can achieve and actually nobody is focusing on how they're feeling, what brings them joy. It's something that I struggle with because I didn't grow up prioritizing it like, why would
I think about what I like doing? And and they may be very good at hiding what's going on
underneath if there are if they're a mask, if they're autistic and they're really good at
masking they are probably really really good at hiding, when they're depressed or that anxious. Don't cry Sam. No, I'm getting emotional about it. It makes me feel sad, it makes me feel sad
for myself, my inner child and all that. I really want to know how does this compare to your school reports. These are very intense reports. I don't know, it's not just like, "good progress", "yeah, keep it up" kind of thing. It's like, really there's some quite intense things in there. Did you have
school reports like this? Were your reports this intense? Please let me know, I'm really curious
to hear what kind of comments you had and what other things that you were repeatedly told to
work on. Don't forget to keep an eye out for my next video where I will be officially announcing
my workbook that will be available at that point. And in the meantime why not check out some older videos of mine. Take care of yourselves as always and I'll see you next time. Bye! But enough wouble (?)
She shows distinct musicaliky musicaliky? English a coursework is the higher
cuddler... she got off to a slow slot Subtitles: Ana Muhlethaler (@anatmuh)
