RANDOM MEMES

the dude I went to high school with went to Africa for a few years met a woman and got married he has just been chilling and embracing the culture man throws brick at window of New York City geba that form tells you it's an inside job my seven-year-old helped himself to a shopping spree while I slept he is in deep trouble pray for him during three years he wrote her 14 love letters in which the first letters combined and spelled out will you marry me decided to put a coin in a bucket every time I get upset over small things started one hour ago I was today years old when I learned that giraffes have different patterns co-worker pulled up in a Bentley this morning and quit this dog was much happier before her my dad's girlfriend takes her dog on a hike every day and her dog has dog friends look at the squad I'm at my friend's house and I go to use the bathroom and if you think you are having a bad day then 21 splits with his girlfriend a day before her family 161 million including her sister's boyfriends everyone including her sister's boyfriends got 12 million Kourtney Kardashian battles a cold and she takes her son Mason to an art class in she is so brave thank you for sharing her story my grandma is in the hospital right now and she wanted to see her dog so I made it look like I was carrying a baby and we made it she said what she said South Sudanese woman marries herself Flames she is sick of men this old lady often goes to the supermarket to read books so the manager put a little bench for her a dedicated father protecting his daughter's ears during the Blitz in 1941 that's a responsible caring father I took my daughter on a walk this is how she let me know she was done walking she said leave me here come back with some wheel my mum discovered a spreadsheet my dad made to plan his week off work in 2000 things to do during that holiday I came home from school I went to my room and then I saw this I thought my mom bought me a Macbook I broke up with my girlfriend at a restaurant and she started crying everyone thought I had proposed so they started clapping it's an evil world we live in welcome home Michelle I know you cheated I was going for a run but it looks like it's about to rain so I'm going to sit this one out imagine bashing Open Your Door rushing in and immediately falling down great feature on my God my boss is obsessed with me are you coming into work today um I was literally just there yesterday for everybody with baby fever just remember they turn into Toddlers and toddlers are awful people toddlers wake up every day and choose violence never did my 10 year old brother just take out his hearing aids mid-argument with my dad my son has heard enough my little sister graduated high school and her quote I'm not really funny I'm just mean and people think I'm joking sometimes I forget I'm 24 and all of my friends aren't 18 anymore I don't know if he's told you yet but I'm pregnant oh [ __ ] what are you gonna do what do you mean we are married whoops my bad what is the Mr dollar has ever gotten you tldr a wife three beautiful children and frankly my life as I know it my auntie and I graduated today 50 years apart but indigenous Scholars at heart you are 20 times more likely to be killed by a cow than a shark this is true my ex chased me with a knife once apparently this 500 blow dryer is the female version of the PS5 wife bought one after spending 70 hours watching reviews on YouTube it looks the same to me don't tell her an eviction notice please note that you are required to vacate the premises by October 19 as a new tenant will be moving in sincerely mum and dad someone noticed my iPhone 11 today and asked me how I liked it because they were thinking of upgrading from a 3Gs he asked me at the same Beach where I said goodbye to my dad's ashes because he wanted to be in his presence when he asked I'm engaged help Paris is not in Italy my whole life is a lie tell me you are American without actually telling me grandma woke up and chose violent Miss Gill how can you see the difference between 200 shades of nude lipstick but can't see that he ain't the one for heart touching moments of a soldier who came home after three years and found out he is going to be a father he finally texted me back after 26 hours now I'm going to make her wait 20 seconds I ask my new class to write one thing they would like me to know before I start teaching them I take a long time to do a poop my record is 2 hours and 15 minutes my sister is in Egypt for work and had no mates to see the pyramids so she took her Uber driver with her instead I could not decide if I wanted bangs or not so I good bangs for my daughter and she looks awful dodged a bullet there this kid is going places Jackie you can't just wait out a question you don't want to answer on another episode of Twitter teaching me things this morning I cracked an egg and it was W and I was like cool second one I got double and then I'm like whoa third egg I was like fourth I was like what are the odds and then I read the box one time I bought an illegal CD from someone in Greece when I played it it was 47 straight minutes of someone saying I'm a homeless man that just stole 5 Euro off you I'm a homeless man that just stole five I was shocked this mood and low-key impressed when my wife makes me angry I look at her through a fork and pretend she's in jail it heals me spiritually this Facebook conversation from sixth grade is the reason I never shoot my shot I promise I won't tell I'll think about it I'm going to tell you who I like Yay who it is you are we still friends just please don't talk to me every challenge these days is just a dance or something back in my day you ate a tablespoon of ground cinnamon and got hospitalized do you ever zone out that you're aware that you zoned out because you're too lazy to zoom back in because soon I zoomed out in 2010 and never zoned back in today I discovered that the kids I nanny do not understand that I am paid to take care of them and believe that I am just their friend who comes over to play so hungover that I instructed dominoes to bring the pizza to my bed and they actually did I'm so hungover in bed let yourself in turn right go past the kitchen through the lounge room turn left on the double doors on my bedroom I'm in my underwear watching James Bond don't be alarmed thanks Dave Houston Police want to speak with this man but he's not charged for the crime police say a gunman was robbing a store during the robbery this man shot the suspect collecting the money and gave it back to the robbery victims and live take a seat man who'd paid for extra legroom refuses to move so family can sit together on flight but was he in the wrong if I've paid for extra legroom your family sitting together sounds like a you problem hey I'm sorry for not answering your text I'm completely booked for the day put on duvet cover someone in Lakewood wears a unicorn costume while snow blowing and this is the kind of community I want however Emma is you're on the right track when I'm 100 years old when I turn 100 years years old I will be tired of everything and everyone so I will tell everyone I'm going to Canada but actually go to the Bahamas I will live in a tiny Hut with my tiny dog I will order fish tacos when I'm hungry and live my best life with no crap so my sister bought her dog a new ball for Christmas this woman came to me and my friends and told us she misses hanging out with her friends at her age long story short we have a new friend this grandma just turned 105 years old today if I was her grandchild I would just sit and listen to her talk I know she's seen so much so this happened last night hey how tall are you 511 LMAO your chat will be pending until they add you as a friend all I did was remove an Instagram follower why did you remove me that's so awkward mate your types of girls are exactly why good guys don't exist um I want a baby but it's mad hard to put their shoes on then they just sit there while you're struggling they don't help you with a thing just sitting there holding a Cheeto he gave him three hours ago and [ __ ] when I was younger I thought cops were legally allowed to commit crimes and get away with it and when I got older I found out that wasn't true and then I got even older and found out it was my dude is washing the ground in the rain and that's what it's like to be in the Army my roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so she decided to pound shots in her car while she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her Chuck vodka for five minutes dating his rough if you think I'm extra here is my mom's campsite from this past weekend did this guy really just try to shoot his shot on my anniversary post I guess you could say we've been dating forever seems like it's time for a change how did your high school Crush turn out to be as an adult she married a successful guy who is now an Executive Vice President in a large company that everyone is familiar with she's rich and travels the world she dodged a bullet for sure I did not see my boyfriend for like a week and when we sat down to eat at this restaurant he pulled out a bit of paper and said I have so much tea to spill that I did not want to forget any details in 2016 my best friend AKA my girlfriend left me over text for another guy it completely ruined my self-esteem so I had to get it back my male friend told me he would rather go for a girl in a relationship because he would only be up against one other boy she was single he would be up against 20 I ain't saying he's right but he ain't wrong either if I'm telling you a story be prepared to have seven many conversations and about 12 other stories thrown into it because I can't stay focused my dad has been peeling oranges for my lunch since kindergarten and on my last day of high school I got this instead annoyingly my nephew's 18 as next month did that name happy 13th birthday no longer a little boy keep this card and give it back to me on your 18th birthday and I will exchange it for 1 000 pounds lots of love Martin I might leave the game for good now why did I think those were tomatoes people celebrating their divorce now I did I'm done divorced at last my sister graduated from kindergarten today she's been talking about this little boy oh yeah yes that's her boyfriend my brother had to call me while I was driving home to tell me my mom was on a conference call so I would not slam the door and yell guess who's home [ __ ] like I usually do gen Z will drink one medium caramel latte not eat a single thing until 4pm verbally abuse a racist crack a joke about their mental health and pick up a tear gas Cannon stone with their bare hands get nervous when they have to call to make a doctor's appointment my husband has been so helpful with our baby but watching him become a dad has been so funny the other night he did the three and feeding while I sloped but he woke me up to say okay I changed him he's fed but he's still awake so I just hang out with him guys used to play hide and seek and be like bro I'm not even playing after getting cold like bro the hell are you doing under the cabin be a cop patrolling doing cop things see a guy driving like 15 miles below the speed limit swerving around like a [ __ ] can see a lot of smoke coming out of the windows assuming he's blazing it pull him over I walk up to his window and he rolls it down he's got a [ __ ] hot plate plugged into his cigarette lighter guys making pancakes while driving and burnt them a Seattle doctor has been suspended among accusations he was sending dirty messages during surgery one time sending 45 during a single operation my dad died when I was eight every week a few of the dads on my hockey team would offer to tie my skates not in a big showy way in a quiet kinda way they filled the Gap find the way to fill the gap for someone it's a will make you both better there are 21 million penguins in Antarctica and the population of Ireland is 6.6 million so if all the penguins in Antarctica decided to invade Ireland each person would have to fight off over 3 million Penguins your ex mistakenly sends you 80k to your account and cause you to send it back replying three words sorry wrong number one of my ex just randomly sent me 200 for the trauma he caused me this is the only form of apology I will be accepting from now on does anyone else make up fake scenarios every night when they're trying to sleep or do I need therapy at the dinner table my sister asked us well what color we thought her boyfriend's shirt look like after we all said gray she turned to him and said no tell me what color you think it is and he just quietly replied dark white was talking to a girl I wasn't feeling it anymore but she was dead nice and I did not want to hurt her so I tried putting her off by sending her a video of me having a poop 10 minutes later she sent one back the craziest thing about being a kid is that you can go through the most traumatic night of your life and you will just have to go to school the next day so that was this lady today who tried to shoplift a watermelon by hiding it under her shirt and she tripped on the way out to the door and she fell on the watermelon and broke it and she started screaming my baby just screaming and crying was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life a friend of mine just messaged me saying I [ __ ] up I was doing math with my son and told him to hold up 11 fingers and he started to panic I did not realize until he screamed Mom Mom I only have 10 someone called the ambulance I'm dying so I went to the bathroom at Chili's and it was super air conditioned in there and I was by myself and I said wow it's really cold in her and then I followed up with one might say it's chilly I realized this is a this is why I'm single I make puns to myself in an empty bathroom I kinda want to work out kinda want to eat fries kinda want to nap for five days straight also kinda want to get my life together by three on a Sunday never going into DMS again look at this curve really thought she was typing the whole time I have been using spotify to secretly spy on my friend one of my closest friends names her Spotify playlist with specific names one of her playlists is called sad lady hours and every time I see her actively listening to it I shoot her a hopefully inconspicuous text asking what she is up to that I love her I hope she never notices the pattern purest thing I've ever heard never in my life have I wanted to steal the sign more than I do right now my parents are replacing their coffee machine which is seven years old me that's not that old I have sheets older than them well perhaps your cheats on getting as much action as our coffee machine I'm going to need an ambulance my son is eight and he took his first ground ball to the face cried for a few minutes wiped the blood off his lip and then asked for a few more ground balls I'm not proud I'm scared that's an alpha male move and he is legitimately a thread to take over my role as the man of the house I asked my baby mama for 500 a month to help with my son since she said she wasn't ready to raise a child and give up custody she told me I ain't giving you [ __ ] took her to court and they said based off her income I'm getting 1700 a month on many Japanese toilets the hand wash sink is attached so you can wash your hands and reuse the water for the next flush Japan saves him millions of liters of water every year doing this I love that this guy from my kindergarten class has been dreaming of my mum's fry bread for over 20 years and that he messaged me for the recipe Haley this is super random but way back in kindergarten your mum made us these bread roll things would seem to be topped with powdered sugar I wanted to find the recipe but the closest thing I have found is that thing my mother used to told me I was the world's greatest potato peeler and I really bought into it every time we would have potatoes I would be so excited to show off the skills as the ultimate peeler it was until I was in my mid-30s I realized the whole play Touché mum my girlfriend is a psycho are you home yes boo take a picture with a spoon on top of your head why to prove your home okay wait hmm well you could have taken that yesterday why would I take a picture with the spoon on the top of my head yesterday how I told my mom I was having a baby what is a grandma you you was a grandma this is my favorite new story of the day leap year birthday boy finally marks his 18th birthday after 72 years someone should make a haunted house where it's not that scary but the props look poorly made he exit his face and the real haunted house begins when you think you've left it I asked the guy I'm seeing to take care of my plant while I'm away for the weekend and now I feel like I've been replaced I also made a playlist for it while I'm at work I hear you but I'm choosing to ignore it me realizing that college isn't a fashion competition and I actually have to do assignments to succeed and get my degree instead of just showing up to class in a third yo Netflix I did not need such a personal attack we think you will like friends this is so foods that I won't buy as a sports dietitian food that have been expired foods that are moldy foods that I don't enjoy or that I'm allergic to um I guess I'm a sports dietitian the devil works hard but this lady birthed five girls that had no real actual talent and then marketing them into all multi-millionaires legendary when I woke up today I thought a mouse was on my floor without my contact I have -9 Vision so I can't see so I trapped the mouse with a ball I put my contacts in so I can see only to find out that I did not trap a mouse I trapped my hairbrush have a great day I love paying Turbo Tax a few hundred bucks every year to figure out how much money I owe the government which the government already knows but won't tell me because TurboTax pays legislators keep the government from telling the Community College was so crazy I was 16 years old and my partner for public speaking class was a 38 year old ex-felon and we were straight up besties Hi boss yes I'm pregnant what so I would need a few days to leave now to discuss this with my boyfriend please approve my leave please first discuss this with my wife she read your first couple of messages and why can't you type all of this in one message I often daydream about winning the Powerball and buying the license rights to friends just to edit out the Loft drugs then releasing it back to the public free so everyone can finally understand how unfucking funny that shitty show actually is once I referenced a meme to this guy I was dating and he had never heard of it so I showed him the meme and his response was so I'm just supposed to memorize all of your little pictures in order to have a conversation with you and not a day goes by the Earth is the largest rock any of us will stand on so I've never understood rock climbers by standing on Earth on the biggest rob you are done you have Peak you don't need to keep Plumbing rocks unnecessary we need to stop giving serial killers cool names like The Night Stalker or the Green River Killer we should remove the Mystic and make it sound less appealing the micro PP Maniac Bobby [ __ ] the stupid murderer you're overthinking this bro I have anxiety I have no other type of thinking available I ask my dad what he's doing for Valentine's Day and he said your mum and I have been married for 40 years so we don't care about stuff like that then I asked my mom what she's doing for Valentine's Day and she said I don't know but I hope your husband has something fun planned it sounds this sounds like my parents Gary gigac's wife was convinced he was having an affair so she followed him to a dimly lit basement and burst into the room only to find him and his friends hunched over hand drawn Maps Gary would go on to event the role-playing game Dungeons and Dragons this is my stepdad and I I'm German and my mother married him when I was four years old he was only 18. he raised me better than my own mother or father did even through a nasty divorce where he was cheated on by her even with all the racism and stereotypes I heard when we were out together he did not let him face him and proudly proclaimed me as his daughter thankfully he is still there for me when I needed him have I told you guys about the woman in my hometown who was fighting with the city over her right to keep a giant werewolf statue in her yard he was not previously wearing this outfit but the city called him a seasonal decoration so she dressed him up for the 4th of July stay tuned for updates on patriotic werewolf when I was a very small child my mom used to bury coins in my sandbox leave huge boot prints in the sand and tell me Pirates had come in the night and buried treasure I would be out there happily for hours with my little sieve and my mum got a quiet morning to herself for the price of a handful of pennies I always was kind of skeptical about Santa the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy because visiting every kid in the world did not seem reasonable to me but the pirates only visited me so they were probably real so that's the story of how he ended up being an archaeologist never giving out money again gave this man a couple of bugs and I see him driving a brand new tube I took a poop in my grandma's cat litter box when I was 13 and my whole family was going crazy trying to figure out why the cat took a huge poop then they took her to the vet and we found out she has feline HIV so in a way I helped her this story was wild to start to finish in 2017 a dog named Odin refused to leave his flock of goads behind during the California fire as his owners fled to safety days later the owners came back to the property to find Odin survived he had managed to keep all of the goats alive as well as some small deer better joined the flock the first time someone tried to steal my bag in Subway okay I think I've read yeah I've read this before I am very very sick but a Navy just rode his bike down the street screaming we are not getting any more animals while being chased by three small children on their decreasingly smaller bikes who kept chanting hamster hamster hamster and I had to share I was leaving Krogers and this woman is outside with her baby in a stroller asking for money I was about to give her some money and this man yells out don't give harass no money that baby ain't real then he runs over kicks the stroller I'll be damned baby wasn't real she yelled damn you Gary shout out to what is the weirdest thing a complete stranger has done to you I got on the bus and the drunk guy tried to hand me a beer and I was like nah man I'm good and then he handed me a dollar and said I saw that guy took your dollar that's really [ __ ] up and I was like the bus driver Story by my six-year-old brother enjoy a little bit morbid the day it rained dogs one day Eli went to the zoo to see kangaroos dogs started falling from the sky Eli ran to the Zookeeper and got some bird seed he put it under a box and held it up with a stick the ducks went into the box and Eli pulled out the stick they were trapped in the Box he took them to the butcher the butcher killed them and Eli ate them yum yum by nude you will never read a more beautiful social media Post in your life today I operated on a little girl she needed oh blood we did not have any but her twin brother has O blood I explained to him that it was a matter of life and death he sat quietly for a moment and then said goodbye to his parents I did not think any of it until after we took his blood and he asked so when will I die he thought he was giving his life for hers thankfully they'll both be fine hi Carol I regret to him for that I will not be dismantling my festive gingerbread house as it took me over two weeks to construct please inquire again in April happy New Year Sharon I look homeless today yeah Jessica your Timberlands Nike joggers and that thing really scream struggling financially was it a murder trial today and just couldn't put down playing Pokemon Legend Arceus the switch is so amazing for letting me play Anywhere what was the highest waste of money that you did not regret my first paycheck I bought a 900 wedding cake me and my brother had no way to get it home since it did not fit on our skateboards we just had a cake fight in the parking lot my brother passed away shortly after that I still think about that day whenever I'm sad you made a group chat named it Zeke's surprise party and then left the chat go ahead and put no need to reschedule on my Tombstone hey I gotta cancel our Park day today no need to reschedule best of luck with everything I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this thoughts I hit your car but I'm pretending to write my information because people are watching me I hope you can fix it good luck if my rent money is paying for my landlord's mortgage shouldn't I be part owner this reminds me of the time when I bought a Big Mac and became the CEO of McDonald's this little girl I'm babysitting just asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said not anymore and she said boyfriends are a waste of time and then she turns to her brother and tells him you're going to be a waste of time imagine in 2025 while putting on an outfit you find a mask in your pocket and then say to yourself what a year that was and you smile then you put on your gas mask load your shotgun and you go kill some zombies on the way to get some milk at the grocery store I love it when my dad refers me one my mate needs a website designing told him 500 I've sent him your number what how big is the website normal screen size some girls are just dumb hey girl I just wanted to let you know that your boyfriend has tried to message me multiple times earlier he replied to my story with some emojis I promise you're so beautiful and you deserve the world I'm sorry girl worry about your kid you're a whole single man and your boyfriend finna be a step daddy goodnight love I already talked to him so you can go ahead and block him my seat mate on my flight is a six-year-old little girl who started our trip with I'm going to talk to you randomly so you need to be prepared okay there are guys in my dorm who decided to play cards in the elevator see what intrigues me about college isn't the intellectual pursuit of bonding or whatever it's the fact that people have the freedom to do random [ __ ] like this when you know it's time to quit new office rule for every 10 minutes late for work you will be required to work for 10 minutes after 6 PM for example if you arrive at 1002 you will have to stay for an extra 20 minutes until 6 20. thanks does that mean if they come in three minutes earlier they can go home 30 minutes earlier haircutter got this after serving a customer with dementia dear Sarah this is a little bit awkward but I've waited a really long time to pass this on to you my wife and I came for haircuts shortly before Christmas of last year my wife was suffering from dementia and you treated her as if you've been working with dementia patients all of your life you let us sit next to each other and when it came to time for you to cut her hair you turned her chair towards me so I could watch her expression as you cut her hair it turned out even better than I thought it would sadly she died in March and that haircut was one of the last best moments of her life she felt so pretty she visited the mirror in her bathroom several times during the day and would come out beaming to see how happy was so Priceless looking back it was likely one of dozens of haircuts you gave that day but one which revitalized a woman's sense of self and her singular Beauty I hope you always realize this power of your profession it's so easy to take things like that for granted I knew that they would come this absolutely shattered me wish you were her pumpkin I think you have the wrong number who is this sorry you must have just got this number in February yeah sorry it was my daughter's number she passed away three years ago and I still randomly text no one's ever replied no I won't text again sorry no need to apologize I'm very sorry for your loss it's very sweet that you still text her I wish I didn't take her number no worries I knew the day would come thank you for your time enjoy the rest of your day a Colombian protester single-handedly holds back an armored water cannon truck using a homemade Shield what kind of stat is this has not seen farther since 1996 this teacher projects face during exams meet Rio de Janeiro's son Castle King who has avoided rent for 22 years finally at the homosexual boss fight this is a theater stage for a play no that's a boss battle the lost boss was so hard the kid asked for divine intervention how much does a spider weigh 500 pounds no I don't think so this spider exists somewhere and only Google knows made myself a ghillie suit for when World War 3 starts and I have to be near Seattle Hmm this image excludes a power that becomes more frightening the longer you look at it Drake looks like he would be a gym leader in Pokemon using his signature Pokemon as Europe optional boss fight use the other door the goose will attack if you go out through the store this guy plays the same character in every movie Hector I would be a little bit terrified you are now entering the bonus level this is a boss fight but I don't know which one the bosses never underestimate the power of a duck Dr Fisher get off that man's face you're a scientist now act like one is that baby sitting in a neck pillow or wearing a neck pillow the B that haunts the river image prompt this is the installation wizard pulled over 45 times in one day Halloween costume car seat man crusher of cars a year ago I took a photo of a cow mosquito flew in front of the lens person dressed as the Doom guy the Doom Slayer from the Doom series stops furries from invading a church combined faces of top 1800 MLB players there he is Joe baseball Alexa remind me to feed the baby behold the Omni pineapple tremble before it and you may yet live worked for a local high school the disc drive wasn't working probably been there since 2012 he has been unsealed She carries the universe after you defeat all the other Boomers you have to face him you can pick up seagulls and take them home I have 483 seagulls he has 70 000 teeth and is infallible for him angry wild elephant destroys cars and houses in a Chinese town after failing to find a girlfriend to meet this dog ran a marathon and they even gave him a medal 106 year old Greek Yaya prays for the whole world every day Gods of Earth Humanity 25 years of marriage he never raised his voice on his wife Men Must Learn Lobster in a bucket looks like a gigantic monster on a metallic planet and the water droplets look like stars spiders in Australia are revolving faster than we expected why hasn't anyone stopped him a toddler has shot a person every week in the US for the past two years straight the tool that Ikea uses to put their stores together say what do you want about AI art but this may be the greatest image of Joe Biden ever conceived they ain't even thank me yesterday my colleague called me a book murderer because I cut long books in half to make them more portable does anyone else do this or is it just me man arrested for everything I used face AB to merge all of the Beatles together and it created this behold the beetle this is impenetrable armor it was forged with love I visited my high school I dropped out of 76 years ago to pay tribute to the popular girls that bullied me to think I would never be popular now I have 6 million followers and they're rotting underground damn that's cool so on the Beast the fuckbringer the final boss on LinkedIn Chad Champion nice waifu I'll take her this is what will happen to the Andromeda galaxy and the Milky Way within four to five billion years from now not if I step in finally dated all 12 zodiac signs feeling like Thanos you are what you eat unhealthy choices versus healthy choices a rural Japanese Town Under Siege by monkeys is defended by three elderly women armed with air guns who call themselves The Monkey Busters he's the mechanic he's fixing a Catholic church secretly plotting to build a Mecca Pope anonymous source reveals I adore this Orchard so much that looks like it's a duck it's a flying duck Orchard Squints how does it know what a duck looks like is this snake serious like was that actually necessary I like how you can look at someone and just know their health bar has to change colors a bunch before you can even begin lowering it eyeing his next victim I don't know why but I drew him throwback to last year when I made a Snowman and started to melt but refros overnight the HUD I outpitted him years ago the day of Reckoning is coming for you next Papa John's Domino's the Warrior when will Ted himself finally show up to the talk the final boss you know guys Ted Talk stands for technology entertainment and design talks right I will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer four ancient evils sealed away forgotten by time those who remember hope that the future will never know their wrath shrimply and bompous one tells a horrid future the other tells you an uncomfortable past I go to Murray a year ago and he was already an adult and I don't know how old he is so he gets a riddle a Kindle a black cat is so big that we can't let him go outside anymore because people keep calling the news can you please post pictures of your massive newsworthy boy six foot ten Michigan boy 14 pleads for help to find shoes that fit his size 23 feet under armor and Puma say they will make a custom shoe just for him when I lived in North Florida years ago there was a swamp rock guy called The Source boss who was always cooking a giant pot of Gumbo on stage here we see a wild bass player in its natural habitat that sleeping soundly in its cocoon the bathroom door says men from the outside but from the inside says women spilled backwards so you think you were in the wrong bathroom Grand Wizard and his Young Apprentice these guys look like some kind of Zelda Merchants that sell you artichokes and pumpkins respectively that is one creepy street light I saw a picture of a cool Moi with a cool cat and I decided it was time to make peek my coffee art today is a cat letting off an atomic image from a horror movie no that's the very real face of an end now you have to think about that all night a French weightlifter named Charles was jailed for hitting a guard but broke out of the jail cell by bending the bars he allowed the other prisoners to escape as well he then beat The God Who jailed him too swole to control King block my number I dare you the Thundercat because we all need it here's what happens when a catch touches a plausible dog undiable canine the one with infinite health his health bar is enormous my resume pills in comparison Alan Moore writer wizard Mall Santa we can rebuild Oldham we have the technology robocad Cutting Edge technology poor enforcement chalasa orangutan doesn't even care he got shot in the leg chalicus the Lord of that name when threatened the pope can spray holy Venom up to 25 feet pope of discs will spray holy water when activated basket shouldn't I don't even know this is deadly waves at any time Billy the killer wave ran my face through masculine filters 37 times until it stopped making changes apparently this is Peak masculinity please give me blood let it Pour from the heavens the hot dark rain bath me in red I will drink the wine of their sacrifice his arrival was foretold in the ancient murals tolkad the ancient one is Jesus fighting people Jesus 6 parking lot biduth they outnumber you five to one then it is an even fight the doof destroyer of Legends that's right [ __ ] first I banged the drum but no bang your mum The Shield the unforgiving for those that wonder about cars Anatomy is Thomas the Tank engine's True Form kneel before your King this guy walks up to your girl and does a 27 combo on her butt what are you doing I have made a horrible mistake I have obtained the bread but at what cost my Apple worked the apple cutter and now I have a weapon they were telling the truth this 67 pound goldfish caught in France this bird keeps itself in the air by sheer force of anger alone follow me up the toilet stairs only good things await I promise the baby must feed right now the need for blood is rising Florida man arrested for pretending to be a ghost during a funeral Chris 21 after you defeat everyone in New York City Boss Hog a hog big enough to Shadow a Mini Cooper was spotted roaming an Alabama neighborhood never wear clothes the same color as your chair on television a bank robber named Pretty Boy Floyd was known for destroying mortgage papers on heists freeing hundreds of people from property dead this dude can smell the percentage of water and bread P.S anyone that comes in today and does interrupt a cat will be fed to Dixie the prophecy spoke of his return German man keeps Taps on for one year come swinging at corpse during house visit I just flipped our microwave on its side and he's absolutely loving it blessed bird's nest drunk teen with flower pot over his hood uses chainsaw to Rob gas station expose his Bud during Escape I don't think GTA has ever inspired anyone to commit a crime but apparently Day of the Dead drones in Mexico an evil Tom Holland doppelganger named bobber Netherlands my mum was me for Halloween which ones your mum leave the kid alone I was the one who asked I can imagine anything men in homemade tank destroys small town helpless police have no way to stop him dog and snog he is eating the sun I am so sorry I tried to stop him he is too strong American Girl releases First doll with hearing loss wait the other ones can hear us when you skip all the side quests and go straight to the final boss the odd picture of my great grandma far left makes it look like the cameraman just stumbled into a secret meeting with grandmas turns out jigsaw puzzle makers just use the same die to cut apart different puzzles so you can mix and match when it's a slow night so your manager says one of the kitchen staff can go home early feeding time was an hour ago Jessica nothing says welcome like two 12-foot skeletons holding torches on each side of the lane Canadian gamer makes history by completing all 296 Nintendo 64 games guy tries to buy toy poodle gets fluffy steroid pumped giant ferrets instead perish at first the Cookie Monster was confused while he was sent to Hell by God but then he realized that the Sinners had all been turned into cookies he wasn't being punished he was the punishment Cookie Monster the being of Justice sent by the almighty himself loud getter of all the eight Daniels from the first frat castle in the Underworld me clicks on Chrome nothing happens me clicks on Chrome eight more times Chrome every time I come home I have to look at this Kirby from hell I made an elementary school that my mom now hangs aprons on employee 197 cubicle 4 Carter J you have been idle at your workstation for 37.5 seconds please resume productivity level 4 century hanging Gatling gun so my friend has a widdler for Cheetos so he went to the Cheetos production factory and purchased 28 industrial sized clear bags of Cheetos they charged him 65 per clear bag he's the one they warn us about in the math problems how the hell did he get both of these girls pregnant and then agree to a photo shoot I couldn't believe what I was seeing when I pulled up next to these three I missed a snowstorm so I built this Cedar stripped corset out of scraps from building my canoe and I'm out on the backyard taking pictures and my aunt just walks out and hands me the sword and his like looked like you needed this my aunt's cat is huge they tore down my childhood home in Istanbul I visited last winter break and saw this nine-foot statue in his place kalio stealer of souls destroyer of homes Isaac 18. I have a different mag for every subject my school fees could pay off your dead gemstone looking for buyer I lost my eye to cancer so I made this and turned my head into a flashlight knickers a Holston huge cow from Australia is so massive that she cannot be slaughtered sold weighing in at an impressive three thousand pounds standing at six feet four tall has become an internet sensation due to her extraordinary size one of my renttoids caught me reading the fridge and started complaining sorry bubs my house my rules there is a character that keeps appearing in my dreams he was aware that he is in my dream and said stuff like even when you wake up I will still be here and honest to God I am terrified I want to draw him but at the same time giving him form seems like a bad idea what is the most useless piece of video game knowledge you have in the oldest Scrolls Oblivion if you add bread into salmos the baker's inventory he will go into one of the two ends he usually goes take a bite and make the game Crash the black-footed cat is the deadliest wildcat in the world they only weigh two to six pounds they take down more prey in a single night than a leopard does in six months while they making this regular ass cat live in the zoo learn today about the time a guy bought a two two two called Yu-Gi-Oh deck to a national tournament to demonstrate why the game needed a deck size limit germs are not a real thing Fox News host says he hasn't watched his hands in 10 years the good news is my custom face mask arrived the bad news is they printed my face twenty percent too large do not chase the Red Dot for it is an illusion optional boss the watermelon salesman huggled too much with him and you all know pain my man Maurice the destroyer of Gilgamesh pick your fighter Gilgamesh the consumer of reality Maurice says destroyer of reality not destroyer of Maurice is dubbed for my man pictured boy becomes living magnet after getting massive Electric Shot from Street Lamp magnito has risen Magneto Boy The Living magnet he attacked worse he judges you imagine fleeing and you hear fetch me his soul Lucifer and you look back and see this [ __ ] Lucifer fetcher of souls this kid was gifted with the best name ever and he's using it wisely Cash Money brother of Blake how to draw a rat one draw any shape two done wow this really works tell shirodner I survived we did it we finally let it go too far Nvidia installer cannot be stopped at this point the Four Horsemen of wholesomeness Life self-love nature peace after a year of telling my friends he looks like Bob Ross he finally sends me this photo my boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meetings and can't figure out how to turn this setting off so she was stuck like this the entire meeting so remember how I bought a motion activated nightlight for the toilet well the cats seem to have discovered it so I went for a late night piss and was greeted on this side deal the guardian of the piss after a man paddled 38 miles down the Missouri River in a hollowed out pumpkin whatever illness reading this photo and the lobster woman is so powerful that she's actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat scientists fight crab for mysterious purple orb discovered in California deep probabilious the omniscient monarch of predictions and probability the final boss of the bathroom poo poo pee pee oh crap the Skelly boys are back I am more powerful than you could ever [ __ ] imagine man wins 22-year Court battle against Railways over 21cm into the void sometimes it's long like the queen if this happened to me I would call my friend Derek blonde seals are very rare there's one for every million seals stupid dumbass idiot Hedgehog in 2009 a man who was an expert on how to avoid being kidnapped in Mexico was kidnapped in Mexico after giving a lecture on how to not be kidnapped in Mexico I asked for the strongest coffee they had someone put red eye lasers on the Gandhi statue in San Francisco one time I was playing SkyWars on Minecraft and some guys started flying and killing people all of a sudden the guy next to me flew up and they had a mid-air battle while everyone watched he killed the first guy then left the game he was a nice guy for doing the rampant space particles might be behind eight-year-olds Mario speedrun glitch located at a bar in Japan there is a bathroom with a giant head located in front of the toilet activated by the pressure from the seat the face sings a strange drunken tone and slowly moves towards you making the lips smaller and smaller until it kisses your knees I have them a memory mattress and the gravity blanket once I acquire the time pillow and the duvet of truth I can do the summoning Lowry Terminator of woman I bite women only handle me if you're a man friendly neighbor protector of the neighborhood sniper of Thieves someone was under your car last night trying to steal your converter but I shot him with my BB gun twice you're welcome if I were you I would get something like a cat strip or some deterrent so it doesn't get stolen in the future I won't always be there to snipe the bad guys your friendly neighbor wakes up in a cold sweat reverse Medusa turns stones into humans shark lava and boy girl the plant acts as the brain of the robot determining how the machete swings Jabs slices and interacts in the space Japan has Godzilla France Trollface I was depressed so I ate a six pack of tacos I was running off the last one when my daughter said wow Dad you're a taco eating machine she looked at me with complete admiration gave me a high five and it pulled me right out of my funk kidsman total game changers the pose the power the presence shusky monkeys her and get a free pass to visit some funny hurns you don't know pain or Agony until you've lost to the same boss fight more than three times and then you have the unskippable cutscene dialogue memorized so you start repeating it in a mocking angry voice king of pineapples the leader of the cat crowned with a pineapple he stands in your way how do you approach such a beast shitty superpower season two don't read this I'm doing a superpower memes video concept the secret boss of a video game is the merchant you've traded with this whole time and their combat capabilities are based entirely on what you sold them for example did you sell them necromancy skill books well [ __ ] they can summon a skeleton army yeah I'm really scared of the guy with 30 rusty iron swords and 200 fruit cakes I don't know what Journey that mantis is on but this is clearly a boss fight this is Gene Baptiste Kim freighter of the VLC media player he refused tens of millions of dollars in order to keep VLC ads free thanks Juan HIV positive occupation Blood Donor be not afraid your hellhound is so sad throw him the femur of a sinner already I had a dream they unveiled a new Diglett Evolution that was basically like 20 dicklets in a group it was called Doug struction I tried taking a selfie while I was underwater Pro tip for parents don't buy the Finding Dory NightLight when you turn it on in the dark this happens in 2009 a pigeon named Winston raised tulcum South Africa's largest ISP to see who could deliver 4 gigabytes of data to a location 60 miles away the fastest by the time Winston arrived with the 4 gigabyte flash Telecom had transmitted only four percent of the data corn maze attention if you become lost or confused in the corn maze stay calm don't panic pulp is on the way every Thursday morning we send a rescue team Into The Miz to bring everyone left to the previous weekend they are highly trained and can usually locate every two-thirds of those Left Behind cow escapes on way to slaughterhouse smashes metal fence breaks human arm and swims to inhabited Island where she still lives I recently spent 6500 on this registered Black Angus ball I put him out with the hood but he just ate to cross and wouldn't even look at a cow I was beginning to think that I had paid more for the ball than he was worth anyway I had the vet come take a look at him he said the ball was very healthy but possibly just a little young so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day the ball started to service the cows within two days with all of my neighbor's cows he's like a machine I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him but they kind of taste like peppermint Roman soldier Holt strange person where are you from time traveler I come from the future what are your names my name is quintus as I am the fifth child in my family my comrades is sextus for he was the sick child in his family what is your name my name is Liv Roman soldier starts counting on his fingers as his eyes open in fur Kevin 21 hey what's up I'm Kevin I like to take girls out for a massive plate of barbecue ribs on the first date I judge them according to how many and how aggressively they consume them whoever defeats me in this poor scene Endeavor shall become my warrior bride I'll set Nations Ablaze at her feet just to watch the flame stance in her eyes our love will be beautiful in its violence as the Tempest it's the Bering Street and it should die it dies as it began with a mound of Bones between us and orc wrote this an orc who knows how to treat a lady apparently there's some controversy in my local Chipotle uh I'm sorry guys I don't have it in me to read this I've been I've read two videos today I made life-sized airport stickers and stuck them on the ground all over the city I always dump my leftover popcorn before leaving the movies just found the perfect gift for my boss you've been poisoned I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for the guests that I don't like wrote will you marry me in the sand I hope it messes up a couple's holiday this looks like it belongs in a Studio Ghibli movie a parking lot would go crazy here bro I'm so drunk this is crazy you know what would be even more crazy do you own a vehicle today I was bored and I saw an ant in my kitchen and I placed a few sugar cubes in front of her and she had some and went to tell her friends and then I quickly hit the sugar cubes because I wanted them to think she is a liar why does this picture look like 21 Savage is a superhero interrupting a broadcast to reveal his evil plan to the world Ratatouille is hilarious because the villain wasn't even evil he just didn't want food to be cooked by rats I grounded my kid and this was his response nobody will notice somebody just padlocked my ear and ran away with the key if I ever become a surgeon I would say right before the patient passes out from anesthesia okay pull up the wikiHow article user named Beavis has been terrorizing me since 2004 by sending me pictures of cups that are too close to the end of the table pure evil form a is my dream Form B is my nightmare when I'm bored I go around putting these stickers on paper towel dispensers voice activated say loudly paper towel now we tricked the new guy into thinking that he had to fill up the water fountain my sister ate my leftovers I was saving so I taped this to her bathroom window have a nice shower sweetie what the hell is Outback Steakhouse planning mind your damn business it's an ad for funeral services it's so rude but so genius my son turns one this month [ __ ] go like one baby don't nobody care about that baby I just saw two blind people fighting I yelled he got a knife and they both started running a pretty lady in a restaurant just asked me are you single I happily replied yes she took away the extra chair in front of me obsessed with this specimen I found on Tick Tock covering my parents bathroom in peanut butter whoever sold this drone to my Grandma can go to hell in 2010 a man in England was arrested for recording his neighbor's noisy dogs and replaying the noise at full volume over the neighbor's fins day four of sticking my dad's things to the ceiling today the TV remote I just checked my YouTube notification to see that one of my comments had like 234 replies on inspection I found that two people were chatting in the reply section for like a week so I deleted my comment commenting love this you're so brave on someone's normal picture of themselves my seven-year-old just talked back to me tomorrow while she's at school I'm logging into Minecraft and destroying her Village don't destroy it just plant a bunch of TNT with the pressure plates around her so she destroys it when she logs in God only gave you one bud and this is how you plan to treat it man arrested for everything what did this man do officer he just he just did everything go ahead and park like an idiot I have something for your fancy backup camera in a game with no consequences why are you still playing the good side because being mean makes me feel bad 23 [ __ ] hundred years of philosophy and this guy on Tumblr gets it to the meme hey Walmart I have a very important question to ask so my brother only has one eye and one time in art class the teacher said draw your neighbor's eye so he took his fake eye out and sat it on the girl's desk that was sitting next to him and she screamed and started crying your brother is golden I could legit point out 30 women that look better than my girl on a daily basis but that doesn't mean I will leave her y'all crazy word looks don't mean should beauty is in the eye of the beholder my man looks this whole to me I don't care what the next person sees oh no my girl legit ugly to me but I'm saying it's cool I'm 10 years sober today congratulations on your sobriety but you looked Dreadful in both pictures all my love Maureen you're stepping on this for 1.5 billion they didn't say I had to kill it so I'm going to slightly tap on bro's head with the bottom of my shoe and slide my boy a stag for the troubles dude I would stay in the pavement with that thing for a McDonald's Sprite morning ruined you a grown ass man pick it up if I have a daughter I'm going to name her lizard and then she will get the nickname Liz and everyone will be like oh is it short for Elizabeth and she will have to say no my name is lizard why I never trust a guy who drinks milk I love how milk has become the universal symbol of true evil and psychopathy and film because it's both valid and correct you can now buy a jigsaw puzzle that's made up entirely of tiny clear pieces when I'm a parent I won't take my kids Electronics when they get in trouble I will just take the charger so I can watch the fear in their eyes as they use it less unless while the battery slowly begins to run out if his name starts with j he's probably Satan I literally died for your sins how do I turn my cat vegan I don't want her to eat meat because it's not right pizza but everything is crust except the crust on February 14th I will post I miss us comments on every couple's photo I see I'm a bartender and have ruined a lot of graduation parties by saying congratulations that's the same degree I got what can I get you to drink never sleep with a friend who's good at Photoshop I pretended to add my number into this obnoxious guy's phone all I did was edit his mom's contact I hope she likes PVP pigs and booty calls me reading all 396 replies of two strangers arguing in the comments section like I downvote all their comments so you think the other person is downloading them I wrapped every single Lego piece for my little brother Merry Christmas I once photoshopped Waldo out of a where's Waldo picture and sent it to my friends in eighth grade I had a teacher who if he caught you reading would take your book Away read the ending then threaten to tell you the ending if he caught you reading it again I just locked some open milk in a gym locker I don't know the combination I'll give it a couple of days before the whole locker room smells like absolute [ __ ] guys need to get more Hobbies ain't no reason you would try hard at video games try harder life [ __ ] guy produce got smoked after a long day at work you guys my best friend in school straight up asked me out today at lunch and I felt the spark this semester and I'm so relieved and excited could not kill this not sure why this is on my feet my granddad's dementia is so bad he's asked me if I have a job 10 times 10 times I have to admit I'm a jobless wasteman you don't got dementia he just in disbelief guys I have a crush it's always a crush and never a job got mine ready I can tell by your hand you're not handsome this pepper is exceptionally evil it's a hybrid there's gotten welding gloves just to touch it I am not eating this she bumped my leg and didn't say excuse me so when I brought it to her attention she said your leg shouldn't have been in the way well since she wants to be Petty I'm going to be Petty there was once a small gas station whose facilities had nothing no hand towels no soap the sink was out of order and no empty toilet paper roll what is this individual fool on this child I need to know if pooping in the sink versus toilet was the right response I changed my comment so you won't know why this got so many likes replying LOL and the chick's photos than not replying when they ask you what's so funny so they start to second guess the picture a whole new level of mean parking sometimes I forget sad jokes are only funny on the internet I told this guy I wished the Earth was flat so I could eat myself off the urge and he just got concerned Iranian teacher drives to the Village to teach his only students in the using his car as a whiteboard my boyfriend bought some donuts and I took a bite out of every single one of them just to mess with them but then he got mad about something else and I'm afraid when he sees the donut he's going to lose his mind in 1994 Los Angeles police arrested a man for dressing as the Grim Reaper complete with a scythe and standing outside the windows of an old people's home staring in my evil clone pointing at me shoot him he's the Clone friend aims at the Clone the real Alex would never pass up on an opportunity to die my mom is visiting for the weekend and sleeping in I'm wondering if I should shake her awake and tell her she's going to be late for school then say she can have 10 more minutes of sleep but come back again in four minutes I'd be skipping over y'all's missing cousins when you'll post him just like y'all do to my music if I ever become a music artist I'm going to name my songs something random that isn't related to the songs in any way and then watch my fans argue about the meaning behind the name but there is is no meaning it's just nonsense if you're feeling bored find a group photo of four girls on Instagram and then comment you three look great wait and grab popcorn how the hell did they make that penguin from Wallace and grommet it looks so evil like it's literally just a penguin but it's somehow radiates pure malice look at it I've noticed a trend in life the larger a thing is the more likely it is to be evil this applies to companies YouTubers people and mountains in cases of dogs the direct opposite is true a notable outlier I used to pee on my brother's bed in the mornings so I would get first crack at video games or television while he helped clean up his mess I've been monitoring what my ex watches on my Netflix account so at the moment it looks like she's really getting into a show I can change the password when I was in third grade we had Google Earth on the school PCS there was a flight simulator and I would ask kids for their addresses and I would show them the flight simulator fly the plane straight into their house and say I was controlling A real plane and that I destroyed the home back in University a girl mocked my presentation one time so I searched for her group and asked the topic they were presenting on I spent four days researching on it and asked her so many questions like it was common knowledge that she cried stay blessed precious one you have accidentally killed a witch and gained one percent of her power you can now curse people for eternity but only with mild inconveniences what curses do you bind your enemies their finger always breaks through the toilet paper and spent six thousand seven hundred euros on pizza with neighbors bank card as She lays dead in flat for two years wow I read the first few words of this and I was like ha same and then I kept reading and I was like oh God not that no not the same I want to stick my hand in it but I do not something terrible in me wants to flip this table hmm if laze bought Eminem's someone didn't think how this JFK Memorial huh oh oh no my first attempt at Creepypasta beginner here go easy on me carpeted kitchen what the [ __ ] I wear a clown mask to sleep just in case one of my kids has a nightmare and comes in to sleep in her bed mama can I borrow 600 no I think we should buy a bunch of blow up dolls and fill them up with helium we can release them and make everyone think they missed the Rapture I knew Twitter was a lawless place when someone posted their Flight confirmation and someone else called up and canceled their flight this happened just before my last 24 hour flight from Sydney to London we had boarded but had not taken off yet and someone airdropped me a video I opened it and it is someone from business class stretching out their legs still can't [ __ ] believe I got done like that working self-checkout I had a child once grab a candy bar and the mum said no but the child scanned it anyway and said her I scanned it so now you have to buy it and I walked over so fast and said I can delete that for you man the child cried I laughed it was a good day I want to become a teacher just to accidentally leave my PC open on the Nick Zone I will then make a file which is named exam Solutions and then put this video in it super villains we get some kids rolled up for pizza and then leave why not step outside for a bit tornado warning in this area I just met Billy eilish at the beach are you okay you what a guy I put in the friend zone a year ago almost got a girlfriend today so I told him I like him I I don't but I need him just in case a hotel in Germany uses 3D carpets to keep guests from running in the hallway the bathroom door says men from the outside but from the inside says women spilled backwards so you will think you were in the wrong bathroom my friend stole a stack of diamonds and this is what he used them on I'm a nanny for four children when the eight-year-old I care for gives me a lot of attitude I get on her iPad when she goes to school and I delete her worlds on Minecraft if you dip cotton balls in water they will stick to anything on the cold note here good night kids good night Dad good night monster that eats children who are bad wife threw radio under the bed good night yesterday I asked my 12 year old son what other kids at school think about him having two dads his response they don't care but they don't like how I'm immune to Yo Mama Jokes your mother is so ugly your dad had to get her husband tell me what's on your mind if a dentist makes money off people with bad teeth then why would I buy a toothpaste that's four out of five dentists recommend she's not wrong but did she have to serve your child is being a terrible influence on me sweetheart you two met because you were the only two girls lived in a frat house in Ohio at 7am what do you expect OMG so yesterday I put a salt line on the pathway to our front door because I was messing around and my brother was pretending to summon a demon if a tornado looks like it's not moving it's moving towards you Thanksgiving ain't [ __ ] without my granny [ __ ] you Granny five-year-old girl left in tears after she's fined 150 pounds by a local Council for setting up a lemonade stand just because you're five doesn't mean the law doesn't apply to you [ __ ] idiot my favorite picture of us who is this sorry wrong number y'all ugly me every 15 minutes when I remember what being stabbed felt like I've been stabbed before but I don't complain about it I have ADHD try having dyslexic it's not a competition okay but if it was I would win I want a viking funeral but I don't have a boat so Chuck my corpse onto some rich guy's yacht and set me on fire please bring toxic masculinity back because why I show up on a date and me and him was wearing the same shirt who looked better he ate me up I had to wear my jacket that's what I thought over a week sober see how long I can last you probably just broke people doing keto will put mayonnaise on their beak and then sprinkle cheese over it and be like I'm finally taking charge of my health when you close the fridge door and hear some stuff fall and leave it in for the next person Devil's horns Sunrise captured in Qatar during a partial eclipse during Sunrise always go for this never ever go for this only villains do that a playlist for a 19th century villain scheming against his enemies peace was never an option my housemate has just left for a third date with a girl he met on Tinder claims he's going to bring her home tonight he's been a bit of a pain lately so it's time for payback engage in Facebook stalk mode find his date print some photos of her frame in place randomly around the house the cherry on the top is her high school graduation photo on his bedside table glass headstones imagine a graveyard full of these on a sunny day it would be so beautiful I would position mine so that every day when the sun was in the right position it would set fire to the roof of someone I hated thus achieving Revenge from Beyond the Grave every single day there are two kinds of people Satan five days into Armageddon realizing humans are already adapting and starting to make memes about the demons my teacher gives out these pencils to the people in class who forgot to bring a pencil or Pentacles mutant dandelions my God the third one almost looks like a human hand nature is amazing new Tinder idea upload all of my photos upside down so girls turn their phones to look at them obviously realize I'm ugly then swipe left but of course now that's actually right Bing Bang Boom merch if I was a famous actor and had a horde of fangirls I would stay single and every time I interview I ask me about my love life I would answer that there's this one girl I saw at a meeting with ferns I don't know her name because all of the first were the autographs and I only have seen her once but I'm in love with her I would say that all looking sad and lonely imagine all the fun girls faces just calm down a second there Satan in my defense your honor I had really good music on and it made me want to do something evil I filled him for my parents today at my little sister's College orientation because they could not make it while I was having lunch with the other parents one of the mums commented on how young I looked I told her I had Jessica when I was 13. she choked on her salad y'all never tried pizza rolls in hot chocolate you're missing out believe it or not wild hogs used to be even more evil weighed one ton and were the size of a horse I need you so badly evil Pokemon team admins when they find out the legendary Pokemon sacred to their region I saw a post that said women have so much evil in their blood that God has to drain it once a month and burrow finger looking good and its ontological opposite toe sucking evil me when a man disrespects me and I can unleash the evil bitter hatred that hides in my heart bus drivers who reopen their doors when they see someone running towards the stop are neutral good any other kind of bus driver is automatically lawful evil chaotic evil the bus driver who saw me running to the stop and waited until I was at the door to close it and drive away the ancient evil has been sealed when you realize Ariana Grande is five foot two her being obsessed with taking other people's boyfriends makes sense like that is evil known Behavior not evil anymore I want to be loved no evil again it's just carpet woven from peculiar evil I'm like Heinz Doofenshmirtz because I too like being petty singing off key and over showing my deepest traumas for no discernible reason I also think of myself as evil but I'm at best a minor inconvenience how to be evil step one call everyone a fool see you soon by making your favorite I also invited another guest hey parents instead of Elf on the Shelf in December let's do a doll in the hall in October you take a creepy porcelain doll that your kids already believe is haunted and keep it secretly moving around the house for an extra festive touch put the doll right in bed with one of your kids too like if I should quit rapping I haven't ever listened to it but I can guarantee you it's us quit everything bro retire from life you're useless blood went straight to the point if you could telepathically say something that all 7.8 billion people on Earth could hear it once what would it be act out a conversation between two people talking about shutting down the simulation then freak out about it accidentally broadcasting the whole conversation in the simulation what's it like being taller than five foot two is it nice can you comfortably reach cupboards we live in constant fear of the short ones who in my experience will climb four chairs two box boxes a small coffee table and six oddly placed stools to get what they want I got drunk alone and people actually cared I was in a dark place and just had to get out of the house I started drinking in a public and went to a nightclub I'm not allowed to drink because of health issues so this was the first time I was drunk in two years I sat alone in the corner upset realizing nobody cares some big six foot four guy approaches me and sat next to me and spent probably an hour talking to me about life he wasn't drunk he saw I was in pain and wanted to help he told me he hated seeing men suffering alone because we don't get any support he gave me his contact details and so did his girlfriend he told me he would drop anything to come and hang out if I was ever lonely his girlfriend's sister even walked me home to make sure I was okay I woke up happy for the first time in a while and it showed me how much people do care about me even people I don't know if you could telepathically say something that some I've read this before so I mean I could read it subscribe if you enjoyed the video ladies what's the wildest lie a man has ever told you I found a red hair strand on his hoodie and he said he hugged a clown on the way home went on a walk today took this beautiful picture I swear I've seen this before be careful who you call ugly in middle school no one called you ugly we went to the same school just post your picture and go my girlfriend by the way literally who the hell are you never let a stranger sit by themselves you'll be surprised what tells they have to tell bro this is your grandma we go to church together come on last night when my parents grounded me for a year because I told everyone I was in bread nothing is better than seeing people battling cancer and living life to its fullest sir I do not have cancer please delete just turn to 18 and bought myself a 488 what are you doing not lying on Twitter North Korea confirms it has landed a man on the sun I saw my ex's family last night his parents hugged me and said I'm sorry for any pain our son has caused you he's a dummy you are the best thing that's ever walked into his life when he realizes it it's going to be too late no one has said this to you trust me dude twitch hates everyone they have banned me like seven different times for no reason you streamed not safe for work I had an attitude my entire pregnancy and now all my son does is a Mean Mug so you're just going to steal a picture of my son weird woman asked the Spanish girl for a pencil and when she gave it to me I said gracias because she can't speak English my teacher sent me to the principal's office and I got sent home early for making fun of a Spanish student by mocking them all I said was thank you when we both fall asleep so the bed bugs taking the photos hey guys so I accidentally bought a Range Rover and now my mom is making me solid if anyone in Toronto wants to buy it please DM me thanks my parents didn't buy my first car excuse me we bought your first truck and paid for the insurance for a whole year inconsiderate youngsters occupying the disabled seat while an elderly woman is standing right next to them what about the empty seat right behind you everyone dies one day everyone even wolves but not books not words words don't die my son three who is a lot smarter than I am oh shut up Rebecca he did not say that here's a poor under an x-ray I did not know I needed to see this these are actual X-rays of cadspores not that I'm a well-known 16 year old YouTuber with over 7 million subscribers ask me anything five days ago you were 24 years old don't forget we can see your post history yesterday I fed a kitten the next day and brought a whole bunch of cats to me a boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flies over the zoo the Penguins can't take their eyes off it and just end up falling over and he goes around just picking them back up 38 Penguins 2 000 flights a day I wasn't expecting to think it's time I should grow up I literally just got the exact same photo off Google why make up lies don't date guys from the internet the last guy said he lived in a gated community prison he meant prison people stunned so hard for social media Beach days what is he doing just in case he all thought I was lying I really did break my TV damn we have the same broken screen Jay-Z at 20 years old wearing a t-shirt of himself at age 50. this is the real picture women be lying for no reason and then he grabbed me by the neck mum hey how's your finals going that good narrator things were not good rule China versus rule America some a new tick tock challenge involves teens recording themselves sliding a penny behind a phone charger that is partially plugged into an electrical outlet this is not a new viral challenge this is something like two kids did in Massachusetts and now every local news site is trying to make it seem like it's some big thing what's the craziest way you found out your partner was cheating on you he told me he had cancer so he would go to his chemo sessions and he would go see his other girlfriend told the restaurant I was a food critic and they brought me every one of everything imagine going out to dinner with friends and telling them to move out of the way so you can take a picture to tell lies on the internet I asked my husband which PS5 he wants digital or not he said my PS4 is still working just add the money to our investment account and buy Sony stocks everything in this house is different people have lied but never have they lied like you one pandemic project I made for myself was seeing if I could collect an entire deck of playing cards from finding them on the street on my daily walk just completed my deck last week after maybe six months of looking unless he walks past the bins outside the casino there zero percent chance this happened when I was in Home Depot parking lot with my six-year-old nephew we walked past a couple in furry suits making out and he started recording and yelled Chad is this real repeatedly until they looked back in fur our hotel pool in Vietnam versus reality we've been done the my 18 month old son built this I told him good job and then took half of it he cried so I told him that socialism don't let them bring it here he looked me dead in the eye and said not in my America my freaking cookie you did not make this though yesterday I went to McDonald's and heard a little kid screaming mom hurry there's only four Happy Meals left I was the next in line so I told the cashier can I have four Happy Meals please I saw how his face shifted from smiling to crying it was beautiful I told my daughter she couldn't go to see the Barbie movie because it's PG-13 and she's known she was like the PG stands for Parental Guidance and you're my parent so guide me to the movies today I adopted this puppy newest member of the family any suggestions for her name readers added context this picture was found in a post dating back to 2014 this puppy was not just adopted hey can you explain the similarities between your odd and this piece by that person by the similarities I mean the chosen this is what happens when a fire hydrant bursts in Sub-Zero temperature yeah because hydrants are typically placed inside trees on properties the ego just made reverse image search says you are full of [ __ ] get saved the entire Human Race by instinctually lying to a cop struggle sunless as she skimps on food to pay bills want to know why I hate Vapors eat small donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking Hmm I'm gonna treat myself to something tasty but no it's just bread and his Cloud full of lies I don't know what I expected from Burger King I am equals own M doesn't exist in the English vocabulary please stop using it am I a joke to you it took me 19 years to figure out news stands for notable events weather and sports no the story these chairs were laid out for a wedding in 1939 the wedding was abandoned and so were the chairs they were found again after the war with trees growing through them every year they are repainted yeah this is actually an art piece in Belgium the Sudanese model entered the Guinness Book of World Records for having the darkest skin tone in the world hi this is not true as skin tone is not something we monitor national anthem should be changed to John Lennon's imagine activists say literally one dude suggested this med said's wife in the bathroom at dinner tonight and she is the nicest person have a great night I have a wife I didn't know can I meet her too there is no reason for anyone over the age of 21 to be having a conversation with anyone under the age of 18 for the last time son I won't talk to you I'm sorry students but this is the last time I'm going to say this stop trying to talk to me so my friend Angus and I accidentally bought matching suits for prom now we're an eccentric pop boy band that will give you hay fever on site when I was in seventh grade my art was showcased in an art museum I never go to my painting back because they told me they lost it I took a Humanities class in college and the teacher pulled out my painting so we could discuss the artist a 4.1 kilometer asteroid will close in on Earth in April could end human in Civilization if it is it will pass 4 million miles of Earth again for context the Moon is 200k miles away a YouTuber who claimed being vegan cured her cancer has died from cancer the world's first cruelest ship will launched next year um LOL why was this my professor's comment to my speech girl LMAO I loved this way to wake up the class I think the main thing we all took away from your presentation was that we're all single until there's a ring on our finger period it was a joy having you in this class this semester I tried to dye my hair blonde but this happened I have prom next week Alex Jones explains why he had transgender not safe for work on his phone I was like looking up some reporter which ranked a higher today and punched in some number and it just popped up on my phone he said I accidentally just posted a nude on my Snapchat story at least my body looked amazing I'm deleting my account by I dropped my phone during a panoramic photo hey you dropped your phone running out of my store with the slushies you stole the police will be at your house shortly I'm rich and I'm going to get even richer stop showing off it's just an art and installation so I go to the airport this morning to take the next flight to the UK then I realize I forgot my passport at home still thinking of what to do the pilot saw me and was like am I not a menus from Twitter and I said yes long story short I am now tweeting from UK I took my 11 year old to get a drink at Starbucks we watched an incredibly handsome construction worker walk across the parking lot and into a store do you know what that little girl said to me I don't know what he fixes but mine is broken what is the biggest lie ever told by a rapper she got legs wrapped around my waist Rick Ross there is a gaming chair company called it they photoshopped a photo of me sitting in a video and used it for an ad for years never seen this chair in my life I don't care if the chair is great this is trashy do not buy this stupid chair looks like someone caught me sleeping finally whipping LOL jokes I'm still on the bus proof that Instagram influences have ruined everything my hopes and dreams were shattered when I found out the water at the Gates of Heaven is actually just a piece of glass under an iPhone always check the dimensions when buying on loan four hundred dollars in good shape than the wear on the seeds little lighter shade than the rest of the couch no pets no smoking house LOL nice couch we gave this to you for free that's literally my house in the background for your information to those looking this was basically my dog's couch it's not real leather it's heavily used and has been repaired because the frame is broken my dog sat here for an hour waiting for my eggs while we met he was there my weightlifter great grandpa holding my grandpa over his head 1947 unless you're my cousin that's my grandpa not yours my job accidentally put 4 000 hours on somebody's time clock and his check was 23 000. he quit the next day and now they can't find him today I went to pump gas and my three-year-old Ray Ray unbuckled his seat belt hopped out of the car and took the pump out of my hand and said no woman post a pump gas when a man is around mum I'll step up and even get a 9-5 to support her household as a man supposed to a friend of mine real swallowed his entire mask by accident just this morning second time it's happened incredibly easy to do could have choked this madness cannot be allowed to go on since no one in my life seemed to care that I graduated college I will tell a bunch of strangers online congrats on graduating in 2003 I guess the mail is slow in La a high school math teacher proves that double stuffed Oreos don't have twice the cream YouTuber Mr Beast promotes his role in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle false this is a contract I signed pre-strike and was legally obligated to promote This falls under the exceptions they have outlined regardless to make my support clear I will donate tonight if you cheat on me you are only hurting your grandma because me and my homies are jumping her when I found out he cheated on me and instead of breaking up I made a fake account sent him the proofs and told him that if he didn't send me money I would send everything to his girlfriend my boyfriend talks in his sleep and I wish it was just cute gibberish but instead it's terrifying so far he has grabbed me by the shoulder and put his hand over my mouth 3 and pointed to the wall Whispering do you see it the barbed wire woke me up and muttered he's her while staring at my bedroom door rolled over last night and said you don't know what notes out there you don't know what's in the swamp he's taken like 20 years of my life do you guys normally have this reaction there's a guy in my high school who always bullies people and I recently saw him picking on someone in the hallway I stepped up to him and yelled at him to stop he became angry and grabbed my wrist so I kicked him in the groin he doubled over with this look of shock on his face and started peeing all over his jeans I was surprised because I'm a small girl and I had flip-flops on is it normal that he peed himself or did I seriously damage him what about the you know actual humans who were suffering in India shouldn't that be a priority why can't we care about the rights of both humans and animals as Abraham Lincoln said I am a favor in animals rights as well as human rights that is the way of a whole human being Abraham Lincoln also said wait what the [ __ ] I never said that Laughing Cow Cheese huh I bet that cow wasn't laughing when you slaughtered it huh you don't kill a cow to make cheese I'm 13 and want to be a photographer here is one of my pictures Well Done good cat picture you forgot to change accounts true love is having a single toilet at home and both needing to poop at the same time so you sit on their lap while they poop and poop through their legs my dentists are really chill they were singing we fell in love in October while cleaning my teeth and while reading my x-rays one of them said looks like your teeth are straight unlike me and the other looks at her and says same and she asked my other dentist if she wanted to get coffee after and my password is 29 digits and people's Jewels drop when I stop go back like 20 digits fix something retype and it's correct how do you notice when you made a mistake if you basically finish typing the password someone figures they made a mistake as they make it not 20 digits after why are people watching you put the password everyone clapped afterwards Nikola Tesla was born approximately at midnight between June 9th and 10th during a lightning storm during his birth the Midwife rung her hands and declared the lightning a bad Omen the child will be a child of Darkness she reportedly said to which Tesla's mother replied no he will be the Child of Light I wish I had this sort of imagination thinking about the time my ex wanted to go to couples therapy so I paid my friend to pose as a therapist and she gaslighted him the whole time bro posted his own argument bro kisses himself good night at least he gets a kiss at least I don't copy a roast like toast y'all do not shift the animals crossing Universe last night I did not have any bowls after choosing my house so I had to give Tom Nook another form of payment and it was in front of its kids if she is mid then you're a one if that's true then why the woman hit on me every time I leave the house so Margot Robbie is empirically speaking a stunningly beautiful woman as to your comment above I believe in my heart of hearts that what you experience as a woman hitting on you is a social phenomenon known as stay with me women approached me out of the blue they give me a big smile then Giggle and run their fingers through their hair while conversating with me I think that's called flirting looking for a married woman recently cheated on mad and scorned who was willing to sell her husband's tools for cheap the worst Airbnb experience so far my co-workers and I stayed for about three weeks in that time the internet kept losing connection the bathroom toilet had a leak in it also the AC broke and had to get a hotel room for the night because it was not fixed on top of all these problems I listed to the owner he then proceeded to say we caused the property damage and requested us to pay the cost absolutely horrible and very unprofessional 22 female getting old ugly take awkward pictures can't get a boyfriend roast me so I lose some weight 22. your profiles is 28 no wonder you can't get a boyfriend my dog is 400 pounds and I can carry him like a baby I would love to see you try and pick up Roxanne 400 pound dog is impossible to love the biggest Great Dane was recorded at 165. I just dm'd Taco Bell about delivering let's make it happen hey how many retweets for you to start delivering well if you can get 10 000 this image is fake and the promotion does not exist my brother Drew this imagine lying to get attention to a 10K member Discord your brother didn't draw that it is a fortnight wallpaper my two-year-old son just came up to me and asked why do I have children socks but no passport moon I want to experience the world not a warm feet I looked him in the eye and had no answer girl a two-year-old ain't seen a [ __ ] like that YouTube deleted this cover because there got more views than the original the actual video got 54 million and this cover got 4.6 also they haven't deleted it Dasha never texted back my goal today is complete customer satisfaction and a 5 star rating have a great day very disappointed why is that may I ask pizza left on porch received no indication that it had arrived no knock on door or doorbell Pizza is now cold and needs to be heated in the oven I rang the bell sorry here is a video of you not ringing the bell am I the [ __ ] if I told my friend's girlfriend about how he talks about her four days ago you said you were 21 how did you age so quickly the power of a nice guy fantasy posting of course let's remember that Elon Musk is charging eight dollars for premium Twitter which means Twitter becomes the product again instead of you and if eight dollars is too much you're free to remain as the product but you are still advertising to us we are still the product but now we are paying to be the product my child had these surgeries performed at seven and she is now 13. I have never seen her happier bro stop lying a 7 or 13 year old cannot get gender reassignment surgery this is such a weird lie how hanging out with Tim Robbins at jerfk not hanging out dude asked for a picture I obliged he left a dog with an amazing pattern that looks like a marble statue me seeing the 20th video of a seven-year-old child opening their PS5 that they got for Christmas I still haven't found one bruh what you got one five days ago hey handsome you are lying already bye this is how bad people are at lying in my English class we have to fill in this chart and say how many hours we've been on the computer or watching television and say what we are doing and why did my friend look at me and said you should probably lie a little 24 year old Shannon claims her payment of benefits does not provide her with enough money to put food on the table Shannon is a lying bastard well I am not getting this job Pro tip have your friend do the screen curb so it doesn't say edit profile breaking news video gamers are urged to play out at reasonable times to avoid putting an extra strain on internet networks online gaming is the biggest threat to internet bandwidth um no video games use around 50 to 70 an hour streaming on Netflix uses around 3kg gigabytes an hour that's 30 times more Mr Beast came and ate at Texas last night and stiffed his server a random person recognized me and paid for my meal which was incredibly nice so I never got a bill and had no way of tipping it's funny because people think I'm dumb for the size of turps I leave when I'm not filming and the one time I can't I get put on blast on Twitter Hey Starbucks instead of hiring 10 000 refugees how about hiring 10 000 veterans we are very committed to tiring veterans Mark we set a goal to hire 10 000 by 2018 and we've already hired 8 000 brand new inbox never been warned not to my shape you're wearing them in your profile pic all the people that believed me in high school are ugly pregnant and Bolding it's so funny you bullied I was going to say you were bullied you definitely did some balloon yeah you were a piece of [ __ ] welcome to Glasgow where a global pandemic hits and still nobody will touch anything vegan that picture isn't from Scotland it's from Hurricane Harvey in 2017 the Church of Satan follows me on Twitter I guess that's what should go on my headstone no we don't my 11 year old has started drawing fat middle aged Batman at the beach weird I had number three as my Facebook profile picture two years ago your kid's show has been 11 for a long time I mean there's no way you lie about this Karma right I stopped listening to you guys back in 2017 when you put on the worst performance I've ever seen singer was drunk and out of breath as soon as he started we haven't played a show since 2013 so I'm not sure what band you saw in 2017 tonight at work a creepy dude asked me what's your secret to staying so slim and Pokey I responded I'm a thousand-year-old witch and every morning I bathe in the blood of a man I've sacrificed an old lady nearby love pretty sure this makes us official so in my Spanish class the teacher sometimes puts up a sign that says no English and that means we can't use any English that day in class and we have like the smartest kid who is class president and the teacher asks him something and he was about to talk in English before the teacher pointed at the sign so the guy busted out in full German and the whole class was stunned in silence and the teacher just gave a heavy sigh and left the room come on screen round stop trying to stir [ __ ] up just egg are trying to poison all of us just because something has a sciency chemical sounding ingredient doesn't make it unhealthy I could say a food contains two that the net and you'd be scared until I said I was describing a tomato the Bible teaches the same give the man a fish he will starve teach him to fish and he will survive forever perhaps you missed that lesson in Sunday school just saying maybe it was you who missed that day because that Parable is nowhere in the Bible that's a Google image result of turquoise green cheek horse scared by that new report on climate change here's what else you can do reminder that 100 corporations are responsible for 71 kids folding laundry and chatting why are the pyramids in Egypt because they are too big for the British to steal all three cackle loudly my parenting work is done the stuff is super rude never again hi the store has not been open to the public since before the pandemic so I'm not sure how anyone could have been rude to you a little girl gave me this nude while I was at an Asian buffet these brows rumors saying you wrote this to yourself well I downloaded Pokemon go since I figured it would give me something to do on my walks tracking some sort of creature and saw an old man walking his dog then saw a group of kids running at Full Steam around the corner with a phone yelling something about it's over here they all running around looking for the Pokemon that I was Trucking but I had noticed it had disappeared then they noticed then they all started yelling at each other accusing the other of nubbing it because apparently they were staggering catches just then from around the corner the old man yells out Team Rocket is all the kids actively groaned and just and I just laughed he had captured it right out of our noses evil is real ladies and gentlemen and it takes the form of a little older man walking his dog today I was with my niece at Walmart and the old white woman made a Sly comment about my niece and Ice hair looking unkempt and third worldly before I could even speak my niece told her our hair sits on her head like crones you will respect us for the king and queen that we are did I mention my niece it's six months old I was so proud wait at six months old you can't talk especially not full sentences well my six-month-old niskan two star took my eight-year-old son to see this movie I'm sorry I really don't know if I have it in me to read this yeah I [ __ ] don't this Soldier carried his service dog down a mountain because it was 117 degrees and the Rocks were burning his feet I'm doing this for PewDiePie my brother wanted to measure the trees in his yard this is how he did it what that fingers mean unruly you are not unruly you child of God yes granny Bob Marley's wife Rita was shot in the head during his attempted assassination however she had dreadlocks so thick they saved her life sure she might ruin my life but look at how pretty she is though George Clooney who had a massive pet pig for its entire 18-year life and on multiple occasions dumped girlfriends when given her its me all the pig thinking my boyfriend saved 15K to surprise me with my dream Chanel bag for my birthday byzel LeBron James cord instead me and a 10 000 year old tree my sister said it was ugly but I think it's pretty cool though in Germany a six-year-old boy who loved motorcycles was diagnosed with cancer his family posted online asking if someone can ride past their house to cheer him up they expected 20 to 30 people but in the end nearly 20 000 bikers showed up men invented arm wrestling so that they could hold hands and lick each other in the eyes 3D printer does my homework that Chet GPT wrote I'm out having dinner and this woman outside was being blinded by the sunset so her date propped up a menu behind his head on the color of his shirt to block the Sun from her eyes when my son was full he saw a commercial that said brushing alone is not enough to prevent cavities and tooth decay so he made her start brushing our teeth with him Ryan Gosling says he has never done it in 40 Years of Living Pokemon fan used a master ball to propose to partner found out she cheated so I stayed with her just a Gaslight now she's in a mental hospital this is my 19 year old brother's wallet I am so serious right now finally some good news man makes sweaters out of places and takes photos of himself wearing the sweaters at those places man cash UPS himself one thousand dollars instead of putting his number in girl's phone nicknames are so funny to me because girls will be cool too because their name is Taylor and boys will be called haircut because the barber did them dirty six years ago last week my boyfriend was like I have a hangnail let's go get to manicures and I was like okay not going to complain this is why he wanted to get manicures guys Olympian Legend Jim Thorpe had his running shoes stolen the morning of the 1912 Olympics he found two mismatched shoes in the garbage bin and wore them winning one silver and two gold medals modern human skull male hunter-gatherer of skull male it never ceases to amaze me how many Americans think it's okay to shoot somebody for stealing like a TV just demented [ __ ] by entering this residence unannounced you have told me my television is worth more than your life I am not terribly attached to it but I dare not to call you a liar checking out reviews for a dealership this dude give it once though and the owner responded with the link to the guy's listing on this Defender registry Chinese father keeps 26 million pounds Lottery Win secret from his wife and child to stop them from becoming lazy men pick up a few games movies and songs they liked when they were 15 to 25 and then don't consume any new media ever again in 2015 my baby brother passed away at age 10 from a heart condition six years later I've just submitted my masters researching the genetic causes of the same condition I hope you're proud of me me at 25 texting my mum when I boarded the plane when I landed when I got into my Uber and if I made it to my hotel safely man climbs into speed camera and flashes cars with his phone wood to me that people will see a picture of a pretty woman and you want her to step on you I would much rather a pretty woman gives me a kiss if she stepped on me I think I'd yell like Tom and Jerry I guess philma's a child everyone playing League of Legends for more than 30 minutes results in a band not even joking shout out to our cool fan Ian he turns 11 today out for my birthday and my daughter's boyfriend orders a strawberry margarita what do I say my dude delicious knows no masculinity if I were that kid I would drink the [ __ ] out of that then go smash it my brother literally listens to classical music and plays Roller Coaster Tycoon all day wait why are we asking men what they they thought of Barbie it isn't for them me and the boys before going to see our second showing of the Barbie we are Kenneth they have an AI to play Tetris with the goal of surviving for as long as possible it paused the game what is the Mel equivalent of a sundress does it exist FedEx accidentally delivered my shoes to the house next door I walked over to her house and saw this my neighbor has dementia and did not realize the package wasn't for her it made me smile and I said you've got good taste in shoes do you think people in the 1920s were like man I missed 1916 here come the history Mages my smart ass of her brother told me he was coming home for Christmas as a surprise and I have been so stressed keeping it a secret then he shows up and I look around waiting for the big reaction he had told everyone he was coming but to keep it a secret from everyone else after the most brutal painful and all-round shittiest 22 months of Our Lives being told that he has weeks to live and that there was no cure this absolute Legend is cancer-free was on my way to being a first gen college grad then my parents graduated five months before me crowdson so I work at a photo lab and an elderly woman came up to pay and after each transaction I have to ask can I help you find anything else today she responded with a million bucks the elderly man behind her said man if you want a million bucks just look in the mirror how Joe dropped and she was completely smitten when he kicked me out at 3am with no car and three hours away from home so I unshed my location and had my uncle who was an officer show up to his apartment a day later holding a picture of me asking when was the last time he seen me because I've been missing for 12 hours my son just came home from school and was like Dad is it okay to kiss another boy and I was like hell no and he was like is it because you hate gay people and I was like no it's because you're eight but the only thing you should be using your mouth for is these Burger King pancakes I just bought for dinner as soon as you turn 16 you can play lip guitar with whoever you want but right now you need to get at these pancakes Brad 22. hi guys I'm actually 11 years old but need a girlfriend that can be in my Minecraft Let's Play video so I can use you for clickbait and get more views sometimes I like to use my empty liquor bottle as water bottles just to keep my neighbors guessing Chicago I need 10 volunteers to help me shovel for seniors tomorrow I'm getting too many emails from elderly folks that need help meet me here at 10 AM tomorrow I have hoodies hats and lunch for anybody that comes through this dude next to me on the plane just absolutely raw dog to the entire flight he got on a 10-hour flight to Europe in jeans no headphones no book no neck balloon literally just a paper cup of coffee without a lid like sir are you okay when I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me instead of breaking up he had me and the other girl give speeches on why he should stay with either of us and when he chose me I took him out to dinner and got him thank you presents Danny Hodge a former boxer and wrestler crushing an apple with his bare hands at 80. unfazed earthquake Survivor the Second Officer on the Titanic stayed on board Until the End got trapped underwater until a boiler explosion blew him through he survived by clinging to a capsized draft later he volunteered in World War II and helped evacuate over 100 120 men from Dunkirk an 11 year old boy saved the lives of two people on the same day he saw a friend choking at school and performed the hammock remover then on his way home he saw a house fire and pulled a woman to safety devian Johnston everybody Terry Fox was a 21 year old one-legged cancer patient he ran 3 000 miles across Canada for 143 days before dying to raise money and awareness for cancer research the Terry Fox Foundation has raised over 700 million as of today to support cancer research unique raft floating dance that River just be yourself bro which one my girlfriend said is their basketball one then put on the game and walked away two hours later I'm like what is she doing she's napping she turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler subscribe to my Oath by Google Big Bob and get 2 billion results old people line up to clean radiation in Japan Mr Yamada I am 72 and on average I probably have 13 to 15 years left to live even if I were exposed to radiation cancer could take 20 to 30 years or longer developed therefore us older ones have less chance of cancer basically a group of 200 plus retirees are volunteering to expose themselves to high levels of radiation to the younger men and women don't have to making the ultimate sacrifice to protect the lives of their children and their children's children in case you missed it three reasons to stop being nice at work modern day Dandy 25 who was only dressed in the Regency period clothes since burning his jeans at 14 says his eccentric attire has seen him receive countless offers of marriage in 2015 an 18 year old model threatened to leak a selfie of her and NHL superstar in bed together if he didn't pay her 2 000 USD his response I don't care I told my boyfriend that I felt like I was doing all of the chores around the flood and the first thing he said thank you for telling me and then he went into the kitchen and did the dishes and started cooking dinner the next day he had to leave early and he shouted behind him if you see a mess don't clean it up what a stand-up dude no confrontation no anger no denial just okay and let's do better from here on out must have been a rough day huh did they call you schizophrenic again I'll always get a laugh out of torushi nagashu out of this guy's transformation from Monkey Ball leading developer to Yakuza the lead developer I made a new friend today she gave me permission to post a picture but only if I let everyone know she is 93 years young I told her she and her pink hair made my day and she replied well I refuse to be that little old Whitehead lady doctor sir I don't think your wife is going to make it what is she making what's fortnite call me on the telephone I will give you a million reasons to play you and I ninja who are you love this awkward show rejection sensitive pimply Asian guy asks 100 girls out on a date 19 said yes 10 were lesbian concludes that he got over his fear of rejection in a single day due to my age the doctor suggested that I install a bar in my shower so I did I just realized that the Chad is modeled after the actual Chad Republic that builds a custom adaptive controller so his daughter can play Zelda breath of the wild 2004 trying to take a MySpace photo while no one was at home he's a very good boy Brave Georgia sheepdog is recovering after killing eight coyotes who tried to Maul flock of sheep and goats while he was watching over don't worry it's not tobacco dude you look like every stock photo of 1940s Russian woman compliment this is my son's friend Jared before I hear any wisecracks Jared has been fighting lung cancer and we almost lost him he was recently cleared to work out today his arm measured eight inches and his legs just over 12. he's at zero percent body fat and I'm taking him under my wing stay tuned for Jared's progress the Sriracha founder won't budge on taste as a player once told David Tran that his Source was too spicy a friend suggested to add a tomato base to make it sweeter he replied hot sauce must be hard if you don't like it hot use less we don't make mayonnaise my girl had a dream that I cheated on her so I didn't because I want all of my baby's dreams to come true dude reviews Scotch while his wife packs her stuff and leaves him my mom has a new boyfriend and recently he said that NFC these are ugly cartoons and a multi-level marketing scheme for these when I try to explain the fundamentals of blockchain to him he said that right clicked on your mum last night any advice sorry my shoulders were too hard for you to Crown a mother once called into PBS asking if Mr Rogers could send an autograph to her daughter she was suffering from seizures and said to have brain surgery when Mr Rogers heard about it he flew to see her in hospital he even brought his puppets along be me Thad at a private boxing lesson with my coach Jim Chad says bye to my coach as he's leaving turns to me hey buddy great job keep at it and you'll definitely see results this actually happened yesterday I was graced by the gym chat my wife started feeding a stray cat but I'm allergic so he couldn't take her into our house I bought the cataroon instead it's insulated and has electric heating look at that happy little face I be acting slow in the CVS Downtown so homeless guys can sneak out with food while security tries to help me out works every time this 95 year old Japanese woman regularly enjoyed playing Tetris on her Game Boy it eventually broke down but no shop could repair it her grandson wrote a letter to Nintendo explaining the situation they sent back a brand new one and told her to please live a long life the high schoolers and Toby Maguire's Spider-Man sorry my body is a temple oh I don't drink just steroids for me thanks in 90 seconds your city will be destroyed by a nuclear bomb however everything that you touch between now and the blast is saved what do you touch and why I would Sprint down the street to my son's daycare and touch him parents what behaviors do your kids do that he didn't actively teach them but clearly came from them being around raised by you I'm the kid in this situation but at one point I was in my apartment eating Ramen out of a mug I had taken out from my parents house when I moved out my dad was visiting and started laughing and asking if I was seriously eating noodles out of that mug I started getting defensive about my mug because he told me that the reason he asked because he had taken the exact same mug from his parents house 30 years prior so he could eat ramen out of it too I took my six-year-old to a classmate's birthday party today he was the only other kid though his parents thanked me for bringing him and said he was the only one their son wanted to invite because my son's the only one in school who's nice to him teach her kids not to be [ __ ] I was born on my due date and I was only five pounds it's called being considerate and respecting your mother I was one tenth my mother's weight sorry Mom don't be sorry I would do it again love you son you can bring one person back from the dead no strings attached who would you choose that's a tough one my mom and dad both passed away in the last two years I don't know how I would choose between them I would bring back your mom so you can bring back your dad mafia boss I want him swimming with the fishes later at the coral reef this is amazing anything for you the weirdest genre of dudes on her are 40 year old men with wives who follow a bunch of young women as a 40 year old married dude I can tell you it's because those young women or many of them often post pictures of their Bob and following them makes those pictures show up on my phone shouldn't accepted into every Ivy League school chooses to attend to none of them woman swings from Bangladesh to India to marry internet boyfriend in the midst of it's so over I found there was within me an invincible was so back manaloki sustainability Kings three in one soap less plastic bottles not washing their Bud saving water never changed their bed sheets one less load of laundry keep it up Eco Warriors tonight my three-year-old saw my pulled on the table she asked if she could help me take them and I said yes she then picked them up one by one placed them in my mouth and waited for me to drink water and swallow we did this 21 times Robin Williams in every movie he filmed he asked the production company to hire at least 10 homeless people during his entire career he helped approximately 1500 homeless people sorry I assassinated you if it looked like I was trying to teabag you I was not I was trying not to get hit in the hood this kid that used to sit at a table by himself really quiet and used to have his jacket zipped up to cover his face with his head down we invited him to our table and he's one of the nicest people ever I came to the table today and he was like I made you all some cookies I nursed my cheating husband back to health from severe brain trauma then he eat it again just saw a tripod at the gym and realized I was looking into the camera it was nice knowing y'all I hate it when guys tried to Humble me by saying hola coffins are going to be the same size bro no they're not I'm going to be jacked what the hell are you talking about when I was a freshman in high school there was a boy named Chris who was a senior who had autism and he really loved Hot Wheels he always wanted to show people his tiny cars and instead of the popular crowd making fun of him they got excited with him on his birthday everyone bought him Hot Wheels and he went home with a backpack full of them for homecoming they voted him King and gave him a cape with hot wheels on it sometimes high school isn't so bad I hate when people ask me what are you doing to my car I'm stealing your Cadillac converter so I can sell it to buy drugs don't waste my time with such feeble-minded questions it's rude model and actress Anita Ekberg after being followed and hounded by photographers beat up one of them when they threatened to call the cops she retrieved a bow and arrow from her Villa and shot another photographer 1960. Dr Barry Marshall was convinced that bacteria causes stomach ulcers but no one believed him since it was illegal to test his theory on humans he drank the bacteria himself developed ulcers within days treated them with antibiotics and went on to win a Nobel Prize I love Bud Light I don't give a damn who their spokesperson is gay it does not matter to me everyone has a right to be happy if you can find love in this [ __ ] World good for you I'm drinking Bud Light so this happened just now I'm on my way to get my interview this morning when I get pulled over both brake lights decided to go out this time as he walked to the car I was pulling out my stuff he quickly said don't worry pulling out anything I just want you to know that your brake lights are out so I'm immediately upset because I just got them replaced like last month so I explained to him how Firestone wants to charge me 600 just to run a test on the wiring of the car he looked at me like and told me to Pop the trunk he checked the lights in the trunk and tapped them but they didn't come on so he told me to pop the hood check the relay box then asked me to get out to check the other one he could have easily given me a ticket but officer Jenkins stepped out of an officer role and turned into a mechanic role to make sure I was straight American boxer Jimmy Doyle was fighting belts so he could buy his mother a house after he was killed in a boxing belt against Sugar Ray Robinson in 1947 Robinson gave the earnings from his next four fights to Doyle's mother so she could buy the house rare Waters found on the ocean no this is just the people of Atlantis uploading their day to gorillas at the zoo are becoming addicted to people showing them videos on their phone a poacher harvesting the organs of a three-story home I think I need to stay off Facebook it's been a whole year since my first love died I miss you don't be telling people I'm dead sometimes it still feels like she'd be commenting on my posts dogs sometimes lie awake at night thinking about their problems I'm sorry what problems my man has made 420 million and this is his drip gold level security this password is already used by that guy try another another day has passed I still haven't used y equals MX plus b I use it to calculate the slope of my life going downhill Arkansas men arrested for taking turns shooting each other while wearing bulletproof vests after drinking God forbid men have hobbies gen Z cancels LOL in favor of a new acronym do you think there's a group of high schoolers out there gaslighting the hell out of journalists by going up to them and just making stuff up if I lose Tick Tock how else am I supposed to get gems like this ain't no way bro ate my honey really bro bro I worked for that it's so stupid that we know who this is guess my height is four foot three me sending my boyfriend Good Vibes so he beats the boss in his game yeah so I found out yesterday he's been cheating on me for two months making a tick tock with my Discord mods she is in danger Jada says she never wanted to marry will cried at horrible wedding when will they stop interviewing this family if you split the US in half and start a war which side is winning the right side's got Chicago New York and Florida and you're asking who's winning why don't homeless people just try and rob a bank if they're successful then they're rich and if they fail they get free food in the bid I got chased by a Pit Bull with a cigarette in his mouth this is an uncomfortably specific number of horses how many horses are in the world what's the significance for this it makes sense I left Discord open overnight now I have a troll face burned into my monitor imagine explaining this to a historian in 60 years time people who sleep very late may die earlier studies say the entry in what would happen if the internet went down tomorrow contest has been making me laugh since 2009. New York teen died for three minutes says God had on Timberland I told my nephew he could eat half of my grapes Super Sushi this is what sharks hope for when they bite into an undeceived fiber optic cable get yourself a girl who was always by your side Brown your favorite Disney princess says a lot about you what is that [ __ ] saying about me my dentist keeps texting me thinking about those teeth haha you're brushing 80 old Olivia as the only known case of that thing where she does not feel pain fear or hunger in 2016 she was hit by a car dragged nearly 100 feet and felt no pain bro was a guy testing to see if she was serious serious or something Bermuda Triangle before 20 000 after I was told the Bermuda Triangle tracked every plane that flew over it down and I believed it vegetarian 18 alive John Lennon meat eater 40 dead the facts speak for themselves I don't think a cheeseburger shot Lenin yeah this is my ER right now I'm about to die yo they made that forearm tattoo into a real thing wow the first images from the web Space Telescope just leaked early this is incredible me and my wife woke up at 2AM and smelled food cooking our neighbor was so drunk that he missed a car backyard for his and started grilling a bunch of burgers this was basketball at one time in our world yo where the refs are dripped out when she finds out you make 170k you either loved or despised these cookies there's no one between people who hate these cookies just want attention my husband a grown man has taken Friday off work so he can play his new video game for 24 hours destroyed spits a mouth full of blood onto floor you've become far more powerful since we lost cross paths dentist please stop there's literally a sink right next to you if that gloss breaks humanity is doomed so my dad's going to Vegas today and this is what he decides to wear I was going 70 and slammed on my brakes because this stupid squirrel sprinted across the highway but I realized he was the homie because ahead there was a cop and I would have gotten a ticket some Heroes have caves others have tails I have found my church cheese Cathedral one thing about undercover corpse is that they will dress like John Cena I am very sad real simple fried fish tacos breaking Beyonce was chased by a camel after her concert in Dubai guys I don't know how much longer I can pretend to know what engine is to like I genuinely have no clue what engineering even means my dad is an engineer he just goes to work and comes back I don't know Imagine Dragons at recent show this band doesn't have one song where he needs to be doing all of this please stop wearing Holly Davidson shirts if you don't even listen to him one of these people is regarded as one of the most attractive in the world and the other is one of the least but for one brief Shining Moment they looked exactly alike this lady was celebrating her birthday at a restaurant all by herself Mustafa and other diners so she was alone they all came together to celebrate with her 21 years ago I was born in a hospital three years later the woman you had me gave birth again in the same Hospital the baby that was born turned out to be my sister and the woman who gave birth is my mother Harvard hung up she said no so I said screw it new drip tonight's main story my outfit looks like a peepee more at 11 today my ex celebrates his one year anniversary with his new girlfriend we broke up 10 months ago you don't buy shoes for food same feeling bro the sun will rise and we will cry again try I got an opportunity to take a contract making 125 an hour but I have to live in Oregon for a year what is in Oregon 125 an hour how did you add clouds to the background that's the sky we were outside woman with nine months left to live asks husband if she can sleep with eggs just one last time she's leaving me because I don't understand her and how she wants now she's flying 2 000 miles to go with a fake man I create that's boss game right there the most dangerous kind of kinos are volcanoes I'm gonna pronounce it like that now how do you say I miss you without sounding desperate I miss you if you want sorry I asked to see your feet want to get sushi later you must have got off the wrong foot stop interrupting women so David Attenborough if left uninterrupted the human female will talk herself into insanity and surely end up alone collecting kids with blue hair if I heard the Mario coin sound whenever I completed a task maybe I would accomplish more I was wondering if Spider-Man's spider-sense is based on an actual thing spiders can do so I Googled can spiders sense danger and the National Wildlife Federation treated me like the idiot I am it's 1925 I'm leaning against the Lamppost on the lookout for people who are looking for trouble I start flipping a quarter I catch her eye I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer gate I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars New York isn't real I just saw two women kissing on a crowded train and the guy looked at them and said y'all can't do that at home he got some it looks and so he felt the need to clarify to everyone I'm not a homophobe just a hater you can't spell hero without her you can't spell her without he who would the funniest Creator award go to only me update after review We determined that activity in your account violated our community guidelines every time an actor does an interview about how they gained weight for a role but like honestly I just ate absolutely nasty disgusting garbage for a month straight and then they go on to describe my normal diet that I've been eating for 31 years not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can't we a customer told me they were never coming back how they advertised the chair versus how I use the chair I told the customer good morning and he said time means nothing to me he's the only person I've ever respected me consuming five different forms of media at the same time so I can minimize the chances of a thought occurring I cooked dinner for my girlfriend last night and I thought I did a good job until we were watching videos on her phone and a text from her mom popped up that said I'm sure he tried his best just eat it fine finals weeks summed up so far okay but these are two different answers Americans trying to name this country challenge impossible one of the smartest things agency told me was never to explain a tick tock meme joke or anything you saw on the internet to someone in real life the payoff is small the task is impossible and this old person Behavior setting up our Christmas tree but it's made out of deer antlers out of the audacity to say no animals were harmed as if the antlers just fell out painlessly okay hear me out a reality show with billionaire CEOs have to live off their lowest paid employees salary for a month Shadow EXE has stopped working my boyfriend paid for my 2k tuition payment a couple of months ago because I was broke and I just tried to pay him back and this boy really said no it's okay remember that one time you paid for Chipotle when I forgot my wallet like in no way what is that equal at all I remember the first time I asked my dad to sign something for me in high school he shook his head and said if I sign this you're going to have to learn how to forge my signature if you sign it from the start you'll be able to sign whatever you want and they will will never know apocalyptic sitting apocalyptic sitting with overgrowing vegetation someone just called to my son gay on Xbox and he responded I'm straighter than the pole your mum dances on I'm not intervening the biggest plot twist since the sixth sense I feel you are not one of our customers your wife is one of our competitors close friends why review us one star when you have never been also you passed away two years ago Phil my seven-month-old daughter said Mommy you're single I understand how hard it is for you to do things on your own sometimes I love you please let me pump for you it's the least I could do grateful for her nobody is putting gargoyles on buildings anymore it can't be that much more expensive to slap a gargoyle up there we used to be a proper world to all the multi-millionaires CEOs muted an underground lair on Sundays to discuss how they can make Society worse for everybody except them look at what's in my English classroom books out for harambe a girl with long Gorgeous Hair walked into the salon and told them to cut it all off and diet blonde her phone has been ringing since she arrived she hasn't checked it once she's moved Stone she's in her villain era now I will never get tired of sending random messages like this to random numbers it's done from this moment forward we don't know each other sorry who is this very good can you explain this Gap in your resume yeah that was when I felt joy for the only time in my adult life sorry I can't do that five minute task I have an appointment in three hours and I'm busy being anxious about a curator of bomb fights video series on his show to confront about exploiting vulnerable people for financial gain only for him to show up just as Dr Phil and point out that he does the same thing people getting catfished to be dumb as hell how the hell do you think you talking to Chris Brown what is my age if I was born in 1999 I was born in 1999 my age is 34 years what the hell I was born in 95 and my age is 25 that is your personal problem animals really be single mums of six to eight just holding it down daily like gilwad to watch Oppenheimer you need to understand geopolitics modern physics astronomy needs to have either and to watch Barbie you just need to have a girl to go with so watching Oppenheimer is much easier please let me die meteor 8 owner geesh that looks so fire 9k was a steal day one of my zero waste Journey use my pasta water from breakfast to make my coffee is it good no University of California Santa Barbara has developed a robotic worm that can swim through sand got stuck in a conversation with some wealthy people and a guy asked me how my investments were told him both avocados should be ripe by tomorrow my dog who doesn't understand he's begging for boiling water that's on the stove you know this situation is bad when your dad is watching the news like this just once I want the opportunity to dramatically swipe everything off a table to make room for a giant map that I will use to explain the plan having a kid sounds stressful like how do you make sure they have just enough childhood trauma so that they will turn out funny me hi can I get an ice cream cone please McDonald's worker are you in the right head space to receive information that could possibly hurt you if the Great Depression was so great why doesn't it have a sequel ah [ __ ] my bad me explain explaining that the word artsy Luna usually gets the girl in movies instead of the joke simply because many movies are written by word artsy Lunas he's so Android General on one well that's pretty much what happened I just ate a Burger where the Buns were grilled cheese sandwiches out of my funeral throw the flower bouquet into the crowd of guests to see who is next bows were invented in 5000 BC soldiers in 499 BC bad meme how could they use bows a year before they were invented study and research more before speaking ignorant her he's probably out shooting me and the boys me stepping foot into a forest with literally any sort of running water in a controversial but if I work a full-time job I should be able to live in a one-bedroom apartment by myself and not starve myself to make rent every Adam Sandler movie Adam Sandler The Girl Who falls completely in love with him do you like Squidward yes then you gotta check out the show SpongeBob SquarePants he's in it if you're cremated after you die you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night that many heart attack when you can't fill one of these in your pocket not eating all day so that you can get drunk off two Biz it's called Financial Health look it up you did honestly I'm not really freaked out by the UFO sightings like what are they going to do take over and make everyone work themselves to death not give us Healthcare again make the planet unlivable been there done that Optimist the glass is half full pessimist the gloss is half empty Excel the glass is January 2nd this morning my dad was at work and I saw my mom watching their show she swore me to secrecy later when she was running around I caught my dad doing the same thing that night they both watched the same show again pretending like neither of them watched it when your boss hits you up on your day off hey nope already drinking at 10 am I cannot decide if I should close my eyes or leave them open when the dentist is working on my teeth both Phil dramatic guitar players The Show Must Go On singers I think I felt a tickle in my throat canceled the entire tour oh this place is haunted haunted this could be the biggest downgrade nobody could change my mind it just repeatedly kept getting worse my dad is 46 and got two brothers that are two and three years old these toddlers are my [ __ ] uncles the hell is my grandparon when the US finds out Van Gogh made his paintings with oil the perfect 90s cloak doesn't exist I don't have red flags I have fun facts why don't grocery stores participate in Black Friday I don't need 20 off a flat screen give me half price Tide Pods and one dollar coffee creamers and then you better believe I'll be at the doors at 3am hanging with your boys on a wire must be so fire for a bird the fact that Elvis was drafted into the military at the height of his stardom is so crazy to me like imagine you're in the middle of a war and you hear someone shout cover me and it's Beyonce culinary school students to be be like bro I got spaghetti do it too I tried so hard and got so far but in the end it doesn't even match us too many of you have strayed from these core tenants you can use the internet for sports scores chatting with women taxes football scores chatting with men about football Egyptian literature sending electronic mail weak Aura I moment peace and in charge of my own destiny strong Aura [ __ ] it we ball my dad once complained about coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate so my mom served him dinner in a Solo Cup the next day we all ate like we didn't notice my six-year-old niece walked into my bedroom last night is this your bedroom yes what is Uncle Skyler sleep prepared to explain gay people exist he sleeps here too I meant what side of the bed oh that side he has a lot more pillows than you I just finished Max Payne recommend me similar games Max Payne too has anyone told you that you have a weird shaped Hood uh okay I asked the question I did not make his statement you assumed I think that you ever weird-shaped head but I don't our minds be our own enemy sometimes you're beautiful being me walking around downtown Chicago and find a flash drive take it home and Boot It Up on my laptop one folder on it named mf.xex opening filled with hundreds of pictures of Morgan Freeman picture for reference he cheated on me so I threw his Mom's ashes in the river just went out wearing my 1920s clothing and heard a girl ask her if I was a ghost to which someone replied no I think that's just a lesbian woman choosing deodorant versus men when girls press their whole body against you when they hug you it also means they like you a lot also they're measuring your body to determine how long it will take for them to eat you a technique shared by a boa constrictors I do the opposite of gatekeeping you will be forced to like my interests you will listen I love the sound cats make when you touch them when they're not expecting it you know the one I mean the activation noise your honor my client doesn't like jail one time my college roommate was having a guy over and was sitting there wearing Grinch pajamas glasses retainers no makeup and she goes you gotta weed them out early by being your ugliest right off the bat they're now married with two kids they'll find it crazy that the Japanese can write a better American villain that literally only appears out of nowhere for the last hour of the game than most American devs or writers can in Iraq in the book Market books remain in the street at night because Iraqis say the reader does not steal and the thief does not read the group chat kept making fun of me for saying a Skyrim meal last night Point yes a wheel of cheese was involved whatever someday he's gonna stop posting videos and we're all gonna know why I offer my kids 500 for every a on their report card it sends the message that education is a top priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids on that smart why do babies cry when they are tired like just go to sleep bro no one is stopping you this [ __ ] has been dropping sticks down our chimney for weeks and today he finally accidentally dropped himself this is the face of someone who knows they've been had I cannot wait to have my own house and decorate it the way I want then you get a house and realize the rugs cost two hundred dollars leaves Barbie land to have a better life becomes a driver since he's artificial he can live forever year 2049 becomes officer k equals Ken the timeline is complete when he smashed the wedding cake on my face and ruined my 1600 bridal makeup but actually ended up saving me 50K in divorce fees by showing how little he respected me nice and early so I could still qualify for an annulment I left our reception venue without saying a word and followed the people work in the Uber home having to call the judge your honor is so cringy and dumb your honor I mean give me a [ __ ] break dude what else do you want me to call you your highness do you want me to fondle well I've seriously seen courtrooms where they will say sir and the judge will be like it's your honor young man [ __ ] off how much of an egoist have you got to be to care about some medieval ass title I messed up a job interview so bad today they asked me why I wanted to work at this fast food restaurant and I blanked and said that when I was little I liked their fries and wanted to be the French fry Queen I got the job what movie villain do you secretly agree with Thanos off of you need to go my boyfriend woke up immediately went to his computer and started making an extremely worthy meme doctors have gone on strike but their demands are unclear in an emergency a crayon will burn for 30 minutes how long do they burn if it's not an emergency the best part of Kevin Hart's wedding is him standing 10 feet in the foreground to be as tall as his wife last night her eldest teenager refused to go to an event we bought tickets for and was exceptionally rude so we left them at home and took the router instead it had a great time why would I ever have wanted a 4x6 millimeter print like why even is that an option so Costco apparently doesn't retake membership card photos if you sneeze hey you seem absurd maybe if you look at this picture and gently shake your screen you will feel better one of my friends had a health scare recently he's doing well but he's got his MRI data and 3D printed a life-size model of his brain these chips is good what are you eating Paul help me do you guys remember this literally what was it for feels like a fever dream because there's no explanation how to feel alive again you've reached your limit of free articles fans wish Drake a happy birthday man [ __ ] that guy dreary Kennedy's birthday the only view dogs really care about why did I think I would remember what this meant look into thing a person said a year ago today I was visiting my parents and my mom was like hey let's go to this rock garden this guy builds stuff with pebbles and I was not prepared why do some individuals hate on people for having childish interests we are literally on a floating Rock in the middle of space who cares if someone wants to watch The Looney Tunes I sold to my son's Xbox for forty dollars I feel like a piece of [ __ ] in 2015 a Chinese man was in shock when all of his 17 girlfriends turned up to the hospital at once after they saw he had been involved in an accident on the local news none of them were aware of each other and some have been dating Mr yon for years my dad once said do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way then two months later called me on my birthday at 6am after 21 years married I've asked my husband for a divorce I feel happy and excited about a new chapter well let me just say you'll be extremely lucky if a new chapter is waiting for you I've been divorced for 20 years and I haven't found anyone yet biggest mistake I've ever made some vids got to stay in the closet bro dude is outer Wonka Maxim and you just want to put him in what a hoodie and a snapback awful people no white black metal bands writing songs about hate and hell and death when their houses look like this my girlfriend pointed a firearm at me during an argument and I can't stop thinking about it when you run and you will don't forget to zigzag my girlfriend shot me after I broke up with her he did not zigzag my husband said he did a double take of me when he first met me but I've also seen him do a double take of a free pile of dirt wait free dirt where was the free dirt do you think it's still there I'm a single mom and could not afford to buy my son a birthday or Christmas present eyelashes or son's birthday present eyelashes clearly won sometimes I blow on my ice cream before I take a bite have no idea why brain food is very hot also brain no worries learned from soup know what to POV you're bleeding out but we have to wait for my Bluetooth to connect before I drive to the hospital sure Croods you can make and manage phone calls I don't [ __ ] care anymore what they won't tell you in any cooking class is that to make a meal really tasty you have to offer a sacrifice to the gap for weeks my parents have been at war against a very resourceful rat and I've been begging them to call pest control but no my dad would rather balance a banana on a two times four over a garbage can full of water like a [ __ ] cartoon cat this Barista puts stickers over the Starbucks logo on Frappuccinos so girlscon takes selfies with them Turkish garbage collectors opened a library with all of the books people throw out in their trash the only paint job acceptable for a Smart car lion steps on twig the antelopes grazing in the savanna this is the heart attack challenge This Is The Stuff Mordecai and Rigby would risk their lives over I almost burnt my house down I was wondering what the hell happened to our spatula and I found out through my sister being on [ __ ] struggle tweets Chinese Smokey quartz sunglasses 4th Century if I was chilling in the 12th century and I saw someone wearing these I would immediately go into catatonic shock at how cool they look the feminine urge to get a giant dog by a tiny house in the woods and leave your former life behind don't play movies mislead you can I kiss you it's like one of the cutest things you can say I was too nervous to say that instead my hook line was so how may I tell you good night and she replied any way you want to may I you may we've been together for 15 years and married for 10 years now if Force doesn't work use more Force I wasn't written by a man or a woman I was written by a second grader writing their first short story so there's no depth no character development just doing [ __ ] because I said so my dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order some personal news were replacing our countertops tomorrow and I'm so excited mainly because we get to remove this abomination of a sink thinking about the molding in my old apartment building mailroom my flight leaving Houston is delayed because bees have congregated on the tip of one of the Wings they weren't less asphalt until they removed the bees tell on Earth will this happen once they leave the wing when we take off their to dream right now this girl child went to a potato themed birthday party for a nine-year-old to do and these were the gifts bags I'm dying let's go on a road trip together and it will bring us all so much closer together the end of trip boyfriend said he opens all takeout bags like this for quicker access to the content this has got to be the scariest part of the umbrella for sure what do y'all think of the bid okay bro damn we see them I only married my wife because I had no other options at the time I'm in a better place now and I want to move on to someone else post your wife so someone else can take her and treat her right I may not want her but I don't want nobody else to have her either Is that real yes Brazil Chase attempted to withdraw 99 billion from my checking account it's still on hold I feel like this skeleton wants to smash so bad but his pickup lines are just awful I think we're all far more burnt out than we realized no no I realize it I'm just still driving despite the check engine light being on yeah I'm running on the engine on pure spite at this point dad keeps on piling plates up and not watching them I don't know who he thinks is going to wash them does he not know that I'm a feminist update I'm now washing the dishes he said I can be a feminist outside his house you can say have a nice day no problem saying enjoy the next 24 hours sounds vaguely threatening men will literally restore a cold-fired steam engine then operated unpaid in their spare time instead of going to therapy is the cure to male loneliness a third computer monitor time needed to earn 1 million earning on the average wage this comment was deleted and the account of this user is now under investigation for braces and hate crimes and domestic terrorism self-defense gloves for ladies in 1850s London this moving come company was worth every penny meet Jeff he has had spectacular hands since birth this got to be the craziest game I've ever seen wake up babe new Olden ring boss just dropped big shout out to this couple that brought Ziplocs of spaghetti to a baseball game I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he just said chicken wing my dad is 46 and has two brothers that are two and three years old those toddlers are my [ __ ] uncles the hell is my grandpa on had this shirt for a year and always wondered why the sleeves were black until I met this man today I left my turtle out in the backyard and it did this to my mom's garden statue and there is a deer in my kitchen eating my Doritos a Wandering baby owl runs into a police officer in Colorado what is the single greatest piece of art in Texas whether in a museum or out in the public how markers are tested no wonder they barely work when you buy them the more random people you see jogging for no reason is the higher the rent is going up I heard a gunshot coming from my neighborhood yard late at night a few weeks ago after I moved in I went to check it out when I approached him he does it once a month or so just to keep the property volume and taxes at a reasonable level I'm used to it now it's insane when old people just do nothing sitting near an old guy at the airport he's just been sitting no book no phone no music not even looking around just staring straight ahead what the hell do single people do witness everyone get cheated on they all made fun of plankton for dating a computer screen and now look at you I don't want to be an adult I want to go to the shiny secondhand trinket store and spend 700 goddess hiding somewhere in her and he is only 4.99 me enjoying talking to myself in my room and living out my silly scenarios until I realize I am exhibiting serious sign of mental ill I'm obsessed with this showing my cat random stuff he's probably never seen before a parking ticket girlfriend said I would like to be a clam I want to be reincarnated as a clam and I said I would still date you if you were a clown and she replied I don't think I would be concerned about such matters I would be a clam and and made clam zones John Hopkins student invents edible tape to keep burritos closed while eating I've been alive for 20 years and still haven't found the right thing to say when someone knocks on the law of the public bathroom urine come back with a warrant is my go-to I'd be rubbing on my cat like them evil villains they do in cat movies do they cut in movies sure every trip to the grocery store costs twice as much as it used to but hey at least the quality of those groceries have also decreased significantly workers in Tennessee collecting Dew from the mountains women choosing a deodorant men choosing a deodorant when I'm near the end of a bottle of body wash I can make a few drops miraculously lost for 8 hours like it's that oil then when I start a new bottle I'm doing full squeezes like it's never going to run out Zoom tells employees to return to office for work wait Zoom has offices if I die after I pay my rent set me on the couch you're given a choice dinner with Margaret Robbie or Lionel Messi wouldn't be able to hold a conversation with either for very different reasons start here year of ride on December 31st at 9 15 pm get under your covers and fall asleep midnight will pass as you are in a deep peaceful Slumber and your first encounter with the new year will be you waking up well rested to a morning bask in sunlight and a day that's you deals for the taking no I am going to do drugs I found my favorite tumbler post again British people be like wakes up during a heart transplant right what's all this then honestly can't get enough of the searingly honest menu item descriptions from the Chinese bakery near me happy women's History Month do you have anything you want to say to women I'm sorry woman I just found a new pizza place that also does pizza for dogs giving benefits to a charity so this happened I'm not religious I don't believe in signs but less than half an hour ago after saying goodbye to my best friend Vader this car drove right in front of us hard not to feel some kind of way about it rest in peace buddy you were the best and sweetest boy on the planet hard to not take this personally you know what city has never had an air quality problem Roku sitting skinniest door I've ever seen at Taco Bell in Mason Ohio syrup isn't available what are you putting on these syrup just delivered an absolute fire joke in the work team's chat I consider this to be a corporate version of a stunning how do I teach my body that my fight or flight response is supposed to be for life or death situations not answering an emo imagine starting a whole school because people don't like you what do you make of this weirdly remodeled Warehouse home in the UK I'm losing my mind Mount Everest is not in America wait what I just Googled it I'm so confused I thought that was the stuff the white men carved into it what's that one called girl the Washington Monument my favorite thing in the entire world is fiction that takes the concept of spaceship to it to its literal extreme I'm not even exaggerating the [ __ ] for rocks family of men eaten by bed bugs 4 million settlement still fighting for a reformed County Jail I'm sorry what exactly happened a kid faked his death neon is dying neon's final words he's gone I'm alive how did you know you were bulletproof I didn't I just knew that you won't see it's stuff like this that makes me like the show you mean the dialogue or the oily man that's why they never came back again um honestly I don't know what the [ __ ] to do with this information but yeah Italian cheese maker dies being crushed by 25 000 cheese wheels should I eat motorcyclists once they figure out that nobody thinks they're cool for revving their engine at every red line POV you have the best uncle ever who cares money what if we used 100 of the brain every time I have a programming question and I really need help I post it on Reddit and then log into another account and reply to it with an obscenely incorrect answer people don't care about helping others but they love correcting others Works 100 of the time nobody likes being around the one up friend your day was hard the day was harder you got a good job the job is better you got five bands they got sick you went to Tennessee they went to 11 to see Johnny Jesus um out of respect for myself I don't even think I should read this jet fighter pilot on vacation or is it just imaginary lines that do not exist in nature GPS tracking on six wolf packs shows how much they avoid and respect each other's territories field trips are wasted on kids imagine getting a whole day off work and get to learn about how an old water mill Works Ajo to your mama okay my apologies Mr Mama are you still interested in a Nissan Rogue sport Sports culture is so funny like we all really dropped 200 to where another person's work uniform 15 days at the super Market two days at my house truth but how and why stunning photographs shot in Australia Hong Kong Brazil and over Stonehenge in England of the rare super flower Blue Moon Blood Moon why did I say blue let me get a we forgot the name plain ordinary common frog Swedish Fish I don't know but it's lizards and cacti he has no destination he goes where the wind takes him the moment my dog and husband realized I was in the car beside him your dog and husband look so happy who the hell is that guy with the glasses though an 18th century travel female urinal with an eye portrait and the inscription ha I see you little rascal of all the arbitrary differences between America and Britain this one is my favorite an impossible pill to swallow if cats could text you back they would not it's my roomba's birthday so I'm bringing him to the beach and I'm just gonna let him go crazy cat becomes polish City's top-rated tourist attraction toddlers Kantai shoes have to wear vulcer instead total is when they see a tablet a cafe in Japan pie is paralyzed people control robot servers so they will still have an income had to go to the them all and as always I'm obsessed with the Nordstrom's shoe section the feminine urge to ghost everyone and never speak again because I'm convinced no one actually likes me and I'm super annoying might be my best AI generated art prompt to date I give you Pikachu painted by by Monet Monet I don't know what it is everyone always says like in the comments bad call you pronounce stuff wrong bro I know how do you say it the neighborhood's kids left a stick pile and wrote inside walked chalk for dogs grab a stick here please take one and it's maybe the most wholesome thing I've ever seen I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic Doggers at the bottom he just handed me coffee but I can't fiddle to more than that or the dog will drown my dad once complained about coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate so my mum served him dinner in a Solo Cup the next day and we all ate like we didn't notice imagine the year is 1799 and you and your Lads just bought tickets to see Beethoven an hour and this man turns to the crowd and yells who's ready for some of that unreleased [ __ ] Symphony Number One please crowd absolutely loses him mind the skill next to me in class offered me a sip of her drink because I mentioned I was thirsty I was not expecting to take a sip of vodka at 9am not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can't we so this lady literally Cuts me off today while driving home so I lay my horn on her for a solid 45 seconds and she's giving me so many aggressive hand emotions through her mirror so my petty ass switches Lanes to drive past her and guess what that lady was my mum my professor doesn't believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I cannot contain myself during a lecture this morning I got a drink from 7-Eleven and the cashew said you could get two more if you wanted and so I got two more because I thought she meant there was a promo I just paid full price three of the same drink why did she do this my grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her this is the exchange they just had have you eaten dinner yet I don't eat Five Guys the burger chain founded in 1986 yo why the 10 year olds got iPhones now you would be out of a job they didn't every time I stand up my dog gets excited he understands I'm a guy who can make stuff happen at any given moment my mom's been asking for a picture of my new room finally sent her one just putting the final touches on my rental unit my family got Louis right from every years ago tell me why Louis is at the park stops dead in his tracks when he sees this dog it turns out they are from the same breeder have the same parents meaning they are brothers and recognize each other pointing out to my computer that's Chief Keef That's Fredo that's Loris they wear cool clothes I like them my tired Mom that's great Joe did the nice man from Wendy's call back about a job no that's NBA young boy he's from a different city I remember in 1 000 ways to die when some dude suffocated to doing the deed to a barbecue and then they called in a guy who smashes fat people first for his expert opinion on the situation I need everyone to know that the ship goth book is the world's largest ocean-going wooden sailing ship onto the distress call the other day imagine waiting for the Coast Guard or whatever to show up and instead a replica of an 18th century merchant ship pulls up and Toes you to the coast I keep two quarters next to my sink in case I slip and die in the shower I can put them in my mouth and pay Sharon for the ferry it used to be just one quarter but then I got worried about inflation do squirrels take full damage squirrels unlike most other mammals can survive impacts of their terminal velocity which means no matter what height you drop a squirrel from it will probably survive drop one from low orbit at that point will burn up or freeze to death before reaching the surface give it a spacesuit the spaghetti is the opposite of spinach yes I will be taking questions explain American movies feel like fight for our baby's first word recently we had twins and my husband makes a point of saying Dada to the babies in front of me so I play along and say mama is if I'm fighting back but I watch them overnight and when I'm alone with them I also whisper data to them because he's such a good dad and I want him to have the joy of being their first word Brotherhood of unemployed magicians the things you see delivering mail I feel uncomfortable around tall people what if they lick my head this sign is freaking me the hell out Deja Vu area this is your first time here if this platform feels familiar immediately alert an employee if you see something say something slushies be so good until you've got a the straw see someone on Twitter who was more successful than me I have to get off this website switches to Instagram and sees someone hotter than me man screw this up goes on Facebook and says the guy I went to middle school with who is now in jail for murder there we go maybe if you go to bed you will feel better in the morning is literally just the human version of have you tried turning it off and back on again what's a hobby if someone can have that is an immediate red flag making see-through Lego men with mouse organs inside imagine a swarm of 8 year olds all wearing Minecraft Angry Birds and Minion t-shirts running up to you and viciously beating the hell out of you while chanting YouTuber intros this is really specific you get pushed into 20 30 for 10 minutes and you get one Google search what are you looking for I'd want to look up what happened on February 11th 2026 by age 25 you should have a failed YouTube crew a foreign film you watched accidentally yet always recommending an unfinished 12 chapter fan fiction an unfound hatred of tick tock had enough it is Rihanna making music for she makes music for girls who cheat on their man like crazy but want to fight the chick at the drive through for being a little too nice to the man she's cheating on one day I'm going to write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder and every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of texts before the recipe the US men's culling team looks like a group of dads that were just trying to get away from their families for the weekend but somehow ended up competing in the Olympics me in the theater at age 12 silently becoming an entirely different person over the course of 90 minutes as I download my new personality from the coolest character in the movie everyone wants to talk about gaslighting but no one wants to talk about how cats domesticated themselves and modeled their meals off of a human baby cries to better manipulate our emotions the fact that a cat can just walk into your house and be like I live for now and most people just go buy food and litter for them and let them is a pretty impressive evolved trait wiremath's teachers never sick and English teachers are always pregnant some sign exist because they're practical others have a hell of a story behind them sharpening a pencil at the bin was the childhood equivalent of taking a cigarette break fourth floor of Robotics is yeah gotta make it so the eyes go red when they turn evil the pattern on my dog's chest looks like a cat mid sneeze part of being a man is having a deep underlying feeling that you could have played a Pro Sport if you had tried a bit harder as a kid what a weirdly specific fear that I will be thinking about constantly for the next three to five business days I would like a Purge movie where they deal with the awkwardness of the next day you turn up at work and everyone is asking where Bob from sales is and then you admit you killed him during The Purge thinking about the homeless man in Austin who I used to pay 15 to watch my car while I went out one night and I came back and all of the cars around mine were broken into except mine and he was sitting on my hood saying I ain't let them touch this one miss Kenzie MTV should do a show where they have a young woman read three of the craziest messages from guys and her DMS in front of the three men's moms and then the mums have to guess which one one was their son a screenshot of the DM will be projected as well so the moms can use their grammar as a clue why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake who was that man what were his credentials I went to a job interview for Waffle House and one of the questions was can you fight as a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the zero times it's happened absolute wild that people log onto reddit.com for advice someone will post something like I love my girlfriend but she hides my Funko Pop collection when company is over and the top response will be like damn have you tried kidnapping her dad the oldest child I nanny she's five has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us a coin with a sticker on one anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker side up we have to touch the dead being she keeps under her bed in a tupperware anyone else remember in high school being forced to attend a fake drunk driving scene complete with ambulances pulling in and pronouncing your classmates did and putting him in a body bag and taking him away while his girlfriend different Subs than the subsequent funeral with pamphlets and his girlfriend giving the ELO giving that name oh no no what the [ __ ] kind of school did you go to an American one microwaves only have like 32 buttons but you only need about four including number buttons look me in the eye and tell me why you need to use the seven key people were testing for Disneyland to open so they can walk around in the blazing sun for seven hours to go on three rides then have the worst family fight in years and silently drive home why does teenage me look like a bully from an early 2000s Disney Channel original movie I want to be rich enough to have 11 Midas who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a NASCAR pit crew to make my bed really fast there is probably at least one white guy adopted and raised in China who speaks English with a Chinese accent and strangers just assume he's being a total [ __ ] map of countries where it is illegal to eat the carpet of an airport dudes with dark yellow purse always got the most to say don't you have a headache bro someone help me find that image of four cats being held up in front of a brightly colored background the cats look calm being held but each have their own personalities one day I hope to be wealthy enough to not do a double take every time I see abandoned furniture on the side of the road every heartwarming human interest story in America is like he raised 20K to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan crushing machine and then never asks why an orphan crushing machine exists or why you would need to pay to prevent it from being used my co-worker said Billy eilish makes music for girls who call themselves psychos but are too afraid to ask for extra ketchup at a restaurant I once read that people who lived alongside orangutans have a belief that orangutans can actually speak but they refuse to because humans would put them to work if they knew I still think about that a lot because it's true we would so maybe they can I can't stop laughing imagining a little troop of orangutans vibing in a tree chatting until a human comes along and they're like oh [ __ ] shut the [ __ ] up they will make us pay taxes my son has recently informed me that the wall people who always have their eyes open don't like us anymore just curious if anyone is free tonight to help me move out why is it that in America we are all scary move out and everywhere else is like yeah that's Steve he's a 1 000 year old ventral Goblin Spirit leave a hot dog in the woods on a full moon and he's quiet for the next year why can't we aspire to that kind of friendship to combat's declining birth rate Japan begins offering breeding visas to foreigners yes but they will give it to doctors and athletes not some neck bit with the Cheeto stained ahigo shirt that thinks he can speak Japanese because he's watched copious amounts of anime learned a very relatable turn to the Revenge bedtime procrastination a phenomenon in which people who don't have much control over their daytime life refuse to sleep early in order to regain some sense of Freedom during late night hours the secret scientists don't want you to know dude have you ever met a single scientist my scientist friends are desperate for me to know about the changing mating habits of brown marmorated stink bugs they're screaming at the top of their lungs to tell you everything Genie and for your third wish slamming down my Fork after finishing my second cheesecake take a world [ __ ] guess buddy most homophobes are secretly gay however most arachnophobes are not secretly spiders men will bury their emotions for decades and then take it out on children tubing while they drive the boat laptop overheating pour water on it to cool it down I trusted you do not trust people like me I will take you to museums parks and monuments and kiss you in every beautiful place so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible and when I leave you you will finally understand why storms are named after people I'm so glad Gago became a legend I remember in high school my math teacher was like let's see where she is in 10 years and here we are 10 years later with Gaga being a legend and my math teacher being in jail for sleeping with students plus 2029 my TV starts flashing red with an alert because I lied to Amazon Prime about how many people are in my living room watching trolls 5. they send 15 cops in riotica they kill my dog I'm not allowed to shop at Whole Foods for two weeks people talk about hard it is to make friends as an adult but all you have to do is ask someone what their favorite deep sea creature is everyone has one and they are desperately waiting to tell you about it pigs cannot look up but I could pick up a pig one night and raise it into the sky and talk this pig over so gentle I can make sure this Pig's eyes line up with the Stars imagine seeing the stars for the first time I want to be treated that kindly and see the stars for the first time I'm begging y'all to remember that you're naming people not just babies a 17 year old will have the name a 28 year old a 43 year old maybe we should rethink choosing Mackenzie Gray Salon yes I'm shaming wanting a less common name is cool but naming your child's KitchenAid whiskey Jones is borderline abuse Lions don't concern themselves with the opinions of sheep Linda whispered to herself applying a clumsy coat of lipstick but she wasn't alone at all she sold hideous leggings on Facebook fan fiction authors are insane because they will write about your whole world crumbling in pain despair lost love and darkness and then you see notes a element I had pancakes this morning while writing this and my cat walked into flower it was funny as you age it's ridiculous how fast bird watching creeps up on you you spend your whole life being 100 indifferent to birds and then one day you're like damn is that a yellow rumped wool bullet it's crazy that they only figured out tectonic plates in the 60s a child in the 50s would say it seems like South America and Africa would fit together and his mom would go that's cute honey would you like a cigarette me age 15 in an oversized hoodie listening to Pompeii through my broken Apple earbuds at school feeling deeply depressed but also thinking I was the most interesting and unique person alive my four-year-old pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids after telling her about my two kids I asked if she had any of her own turns out she had five kids and has been married to a man named Colin for 30 years you think you know someone good night honey good night evil bullfrog that lives under our beds angry rivets good night evil bullfrog um women be doing messed up [ __ ] in video games like evil stuff like Sims 4 Eugenics and Animal Crossings housing discrimination I know what the [ __ ] is in your soul I saw you create a ghetto in Animal Crossing me things boyfriend is mad because he's being very quiet what are you thinking about about how bike tires are made ladies we have to stop worrying what boys are thinking because nine times out of ten it's some dumb [ __ ] like this the single most important thing a man can do to be an ally is give his woman's friends permission to give dudes at the bar his number so when they call he can angrily say that's not funny because he died 15 years ago that night let's say hypothetically a guy is traveling with his wife and her wheelchair has a loose bolt man doesn't have his tools so he goes to the tool store with his wife Titans one bolt with a wrench off the shelf then he puts the wrench back on the shelf and leaves stealing imagine having a family member brutally murdered you have 10 years of therapy to cope then one day you go onto YouTube and seeing your recommended is your deceased love one in a thumbnail next to a true crime YouTuber doing a Pog face surrounded by 600 KFC bargain buckets who's the worst person you've ever met and why is it the boyfriend you've had when you were 19 when you were 11 did you handwrite three chapters of the first book of a plan Trilogy and then completely forgot about it until you discovered the notebook as an adult and were horrified or were you normal being boiled alive in a witch soup which smacking me with her room stop eating all the potatoes the German word of the day is that name a state of decay that results from having it too easy too long leading you to selfishly compare your own Petty Grievances and mediocre accomplishments to the pain and struggling of people who know the real meaning of problems I just made this Orange Line flag designed to honor our Popeye's workers of America please join me in saying thank you for their service all Canada's hate is stored in its geese I hate it when you go to a fancy restaurant and the food tastes like the chef doesn't have any tattoos lifelong friendships are so funny I once saw you during four Locos out of a Ugg Boot and you now have a son named Arnold this cannot be the same brain I was using to reach 750 pages volts in three days during Middle School the most important thing I've learned in life and I can't stress this enough you've got to make a salad in a bigger bowl than you think does anyone know a good website where I can get a shirt and then also emails me every day for the rest of my life imagine if we worked less imagine if we walked around communities talk to our neighbors spend time in nature played imagine if we could read write fall in love without the nagging feeling of needing to do something imagine if your life was your own it is my own often times I look at the skills and knowledge I've cultivated and feel like that moment when you play an RPG for the first time and realize you've built your character all wrong after finally figuring out how the game works it has come to my attention that some of you don't know my English teacher in high school was my own father on the first day of classes he said I want you all to know I'm sleeping with one of your mothers this is my villain origin story yeah so the Italian Center Welsh dude to kill snakes in Ireland and other cops in America where Scottish killed and plays Scottish bagpipe in a big parade about alcoholism emo band lyrics I'm crushing down falling apart you're not here it still breaks my heart song title maybe the jet ski Investments weren't such a great idea driving through Texas just reminds me that if there was ever a Fallout style post-apocalyptic America there would be an entire faction dedicated to the worship of this [ __ ] Beaver if you break up with a partner for 24 hours to go sleep with someone else and get back together with your partner and do this multiple times in the relationship would you consider that cheating professional Esports guys who get paid to practice 12 hours a day beating a struggling single father of two who hopped on the game for fun after his overtime shift at the oil rig did Tony get Olden room no he's scared of it why is he scared of the monsters choosing to read this as if I were eavesdropping on Italian Mobsters potatoes are better than human blood for making space concrete bricks scientists so you have 30 minutes to ID USB drive in your house your house will be raided by the police detectives and some FBI agents searching for the USB where do you hide it so that it won't be found I Can Only Imagine but right now somewhere in the world there is a group of FBI agents raiding a house sweating not being able to find a specific USB their bosses onto them their last hope is to consult their all-knowing members of the r slash ask Reddit Community the evangelic girls in my class who weren't allowed to read Harry Potter because it had witchcraft now they think they can cure measles with essential oils it was in potions class now Graceland tons of names in my phone are Kenny landlord and Mike electric or Pete does not answer and I just realized this is how Anglo surnames have always worked I destroyed some kid on FIFA and he just sent me this I bet your dad is so disappointed he wants to raise a man who plays with Madrid do you always take the lazy Wing do you work at Target and go to the local Community College I bet he asks you how that degree is coming like three times a month it's always the same though isn't it that tinge of Shame than a small Outpost I'm working on it dead but when my app is going to take off but there is no app it's the there's no hope just loneliness Doug has a suspiciously specific plan and May he needs your help I need someone who knows how to make grilled cheese sandwiches to help me play a joke on some squirrels meet me at noon on Saturday and kids underground Wine and Spirits we will go to the park and wait for a squirrel to bury a note then when this girl isn't looking we will replace the nut with the sandwich that will blow its mind dog if you woke up tomorrow morning a billionaire what's the most extravagantly lavish thing he would waste some money on I would go to a generic restaurant give my waiter or waitress 100 to send a glass of milk with ice in it to a specific table the 100 would be to keep quiet about who sent the milk I would do this several more times to the same table until they go divisibly upset no waiter in the world would stop sending ice mulks especially after I raised the offer to 500 if I were a waiter I would gladly keep putting glasses of milk with ice in on someone's table even if they were screaming in my face if I made 500 bucks each time so yeah I would do isomal instant classic Elon Musk is a 50 year old man with more money than God and he spends his time spamming 9gagne teams on Twitter because he got dumped by a girl that looks like she would shoplift plastic bongs from Spencer's he has the same origin story as knuckles and refuses to pay taxes and when he gets called out for it he will pull some stunt like if the government can give me some detailed plan on what they will use the money for by 420 I will sell 69 shares of Tesla's stock like he's the Smosh version of The Joker and he will probably get away with taking over Mars because that weird dude you know who hasn't upgraded his personality since 2011 and talks about the Death Star having contractors on it and when it blew up it was a real event we'll see this [ __ ] and go epic when Dam got caught in a scam sharing so others are aware I've been spending most of my money on a flat to live in turns out the guy I've been paying got a loan to buy the flood and I've been paying the loan off and giving him an extra and he gets to keep the flood human

Channel: VaazkL

Views: 2,381,541

Keywords: funny memes, random memes, vaazkl memes, the most random memes, funniest random memes, random memes are funny, dank memes, juicy memes, funny juicy memes, best memes, vaazkl funny, vaazkl funny memes, vaazkl comp, vaazkl new memes, best random memes, vazekl memes

Id: HgcMB5K6-YU

Length: 151min 44sec (9104 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 03 2023