Rageaholic Cinema: PREDATOR

I know it's all my fault don't know how to fix it will you start what do you say I can do let's go forward she's fighting and surviving until I find again society there are no answers you're running from what you deserve why don't you tell me what I deserve same fate bunch of slack-jawed [ __ ] around here predator simultaneously one of the most sincere sci-fi slashers this side of alien and a bicep bending 80s action opus so manly the beard on your dick will grow a beard on its dick and if you're the female persuasion well I'm afraid you'll spontaneously sprout six inches of salted salami what do you think happened to Patricia Hernandez we open the Phil but you know what [ __ ] soldiers helicopters moustache Carl Weathers Jesse Ventura aviators Schwarzenegger [ __ ] 18 hours ago we lost a chopper carrying a cabinet minister in his age blah blah blah long story short the entire mission of the film is to as for the reason why Dutch and his team been called the nondescript South American jungle number 3040 - well predator answers that amorphous query the same way it answers anything the [ __ ] else with oily throbbing biceps but fairly certain then gorilla hand so why don't use the regular on me what do you need us for are you [ __ ] me why Colin Schwarzenegger circa 1987 in lieu of traditional ground troops because [ __ ] the two strongest branches of the armed forces are both attached to Arnold Schwarzenegger cuz some damn fool accused you of being the best Dylan you son of a [ __ ] don't worry rageaholics I'm sure your underwear is on the pill but you may well want to double up on the condoms because the film promptly takes us to the inside of a chopper cabin for the third annual world summit of weapons-grade testosterone and a rare glimpse into angry Joe's comedic writing process [ __ ] she said me too what yeah a game never seen a grown man ride on a wheel or presented with the prospect of further angry joke humor or diving into a sweltering Amazonian jungle teeming with hostels busily skidding their comrades alive the choice is [ __ ] clear never knew how much I miss this touch you never were that smart utilizing his keenly tuned rippling man booze is oily echolocation devices it takes them about a full [ __ ] second to find the original team just you know hanging around there goes your PETA endorsement and you may well want to make that double condom into a triple because the Seema's discovery provokes is it's close to penetration as many of you will ever experience we move thank you to spread no sound and you better believe the clock strikes payback time toothed sweet that's Arnold John Redcorn and Apollo Creed stumble on a gaggle of brown folks and we all know what that means in an action film from 1987 what we don't know is that Jesse the body Ventura is about to mistake the entire population of South America for the Illuminati there's bodies flying trucks our uptick in the pollutants of fire and more mustaches that in George Michael pool party some liberal dick jabroni Brits the first cardinal role of a tease action by not politely waiting his turn to die literally sneaking the [ __ ] up on a gun-toting Easter Island statue the forecast for today Cloudy with a Chance of one-liners stick around nice to see you some a que brandishing [ __ ] flat manages to wing Jesse the body in the arm and escape with what remains of his [ __ ] life touching off an utterance of the manliest six words in the English [ __ ] language you're hit you're bleeding man I ain't got time to bleed if you hear sirens in the distance it's only because Jesse Ventura is in the process of stealing this entire but [ __ ] movie how do you go from shrugging off Kalashnikov rounds while toting a minigun the size of a small condominium and predator to roll it around on the forest floor with spinnel forsen fighting over a tomato we're in Kmart jogging suits that account for half the film's budget over discordant public domain smooth jazz and Abraxas Guardi of the universe unlike reptilians is a conspiracy genuinely worth looking the [ __ ] into let's see Crenn ade fights mini gun duels are no throwing trucks at brown people oh did I neglect to mention Arnold beating women after drilling selma hayek like a housekeeper and learning that major mustache had been lying about setting them in there just to clear out some cranky hispanics they elected dragged her along as a hostage you know for reasons the next solid 30 [ __ ] minutes can sit the Schwarzenegger his team and his triceps leering into the jungle like greased up pedophiles busily flaring their nostrils in unison Salma Hayek runs for the border which means is high time for [ __ ] to get Predator and not to worry spectacles you're about to be in very good very mustachioed company because we are about to establish the second cardinal rule of the 80s action film and that rule is holy [ __ ] it's got a blazer at which point the black dude Schwarzenegger impaled the [ __ ] Adam in commando single-handedly cements the third cardinal rule of the 80s action film unless you are in fact Jesse the body Ventura to wield a mini gun is to scream your everliving nuts off take that nature but easy fellows at Central America you can just wait for Obama to sell them the ammo the good news this bipedal buffet line finally get it into their sloped skulls to go the subterfuge route the bad news whoever rigged up the traps is apparently a half [ __ ] Ewok well the self-preservation instincts of a [ __ ] kamikaze pilot an a spasm of Sun soo level strategic brilliance the only two black guys in the ever-lovin movie run off into the murder jungle together oh this can only end well commando dude sets a land speed record for going from zero to laser lobotomy while Apollo Creed plunges moustache first in the Amazon sure you're all alone but hey look at the bright side at least you're still armed hey we're still good three highly trained paramilitary commandos and salma hayek not to mention the fact that because this film is from 1987 the Native American guy has magic [ __ ] powers John Redcorn plants himself on the log draws it in no way to be construed as phallic goddamn sword knife and defends himself as only he can with merciless [ __ ] nostril flares I'm sure it's just a flesh wound it anyway you still got two highly trained paramilitary one highly trained paramilitary commando with a plucky young Latino who will no doubt be instrumental to your survival salma hayek flees into the jungle and for those keeping score at home that leaves just two players on the [ __ ] field the predator and Arnold goddamn Schwarzenegger who and his first official act is formally designated last best hope runs and [ __ ] hides we're about two adjacent seconds freezing-ass cold covered from toe to titties and dirt and [ __ ] Schwarzenegger backs into a small alcove drops his head and surrenders to his faith there's just one catch the predators AI was evidently programmed by Hideo Kojima with the printer's pussy-ass Batman gadgets on the fritz there's just one thing left on the 80s action checklist of gearing the [ __ ] up to cave in some alien [ __ ] montage hey what makes a man has sent the power in his hands in his quest for glory give it all you gotta to fight to the top so we can know your story culminating in the single manliest thing you can possibly experience this side of ingesting a deep-fried Charles Bronson testicle hey you said something no no and stuff American just [ __ ] itself in unison assuming you could tell the difference no call of duty [ __ ] for Arnold it's strictly bow and arrow time is everyone's favorite Austrian Gollum literally swings his steroidal ass into action taking pot shots while the predator blindly fires nondescript lasers [ __ ] into the jungle but when Arnold starts checking Spears it's a long bridge too far as the predator jungles has asked from behind forcing the Dominator to flee into the river in the process washing away his feculent camouflage which is of course the Predators cue to dispense with his weapons and armor and so began the storied film career of Nancy Pelosi mother [ __ ] and you know what that means hand-to-claw mortal [ __ ] combat after an initial offensive flurry Arnold's ferony bad as well in jumbo warfare as he did in marital Court and it isn't long before Dutchess crawling on back to his hidey-hole to drop a log on a [ __ ] it appears the trap like Arnold with a buxom housekeeper is effectively sprung but Kojima AI as we all know is no more consistent than Kojima dialogue do it do it come on come on kill me I'm here come in yeah definitely circumnavigating the ingenious conglomeration of preschool Lincoln Logs it appears Nancy Pelosi is all set to filibuster as Teutonic ass right wrong after a grueling jungle duel Arnold the feats are with what I can only assume is her approval ratings all but demolished II hoisin nearby Boulder readies to strike and then remembers there's no damage he could conceivably inflict that would be worse than what a plastic surgery is done already well it's a good thing these acts of mercy never bite anyone in the ass and will not yell to you after giving all of Central America and Gaza makeover the chopper arrives moments later it is the post-nuclear fart cloud left who the [ __ ] is still standing you asked Arnold goddamn Schwarzenegger that's who what a stark raving complete on adulterer huh unmitigated badass Finn

Channel: The Rageaholic

Views: 295,850

Keywords: Review (Media Genre), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Celebrity), Bill Duke (Film Director), Shane Black (Film Director), Action Film (Film Genre), Carl Weathers (Film Actor), The Rageaholic, Rageaholic Cinema, RazörFist, Horror (Film Genre)

Id: JLCWdy4ejLY

Length: 16min 2sec (962 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 24 2014