Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik - How to Eliminate Worry, Fear and Anxiety From Your Life

[Music] when I first moved to the Washington DC area it was a little disconcerting for many reasons it's actually a very cool city to live in the best thing about it is there's three airports lots of options but as a Canadian it's pretty cool the Washington Monument the capitol of the White House but the thing that bothered me the most is when I first moved there is that I was always getting lost why has anybody here been to Washington DC DC yeah okay what is that what is the highway system called there okay you were there but clearly you were not on the highway okay okay the highway system there is called the Beltway why do they call it the Beltway because it's shaped like a belt all right it's shaped like an oval so why did this bother me because you never know what direction you're going in north south east to west you have no idea cuz you're in a circle I grew up in Toronto if you're on the 400 highway you're going north and south if you're on the 401 you're going east and west you'll always know what direction you're in but here you have no idea what direction you're in even the locals don't know they pretend they know they don't know on the traffic reports in the morning they talk about the traffic on the inner loop and the outer loop the inner loop this morning the outer loop so I asked somebody local who grew up there what do they mean by the inner loop and outer loop and she said I have no idea okay so they don't know but they pretend so when I went off there and I was I would the first time I tried to find my way to a kosher donut place Krispy Kreme on the other side of town I got completely completely lost it was like my first week there like so lost I called up my husband I was crying because I want to get my yourself unlost this was not working I called to my husband crying I said Yaakov I'm lost I have no idea where I am but come and get me like I really literally had no idea where I was and then somebody bought me a GPS and my whole life changed if it wasn't for this GPS I would not be here I'd still be lost in Washington DC I promise you the first time I used the GPS as on China I remember having the first time I used I had to go from DC to Baltimore which is about 45 minutes away I have a good friend in Denver whose father passed away and I'm going to the funeral and as I'm driving and using the GPS I was like first of all that little lady in the box is my BFF okay my best friend forever I love her you know what's so great about her you make a mistake she never yells at you she just says recalculating she's so nice not like your spouse okay all right which is this afternoon's topic all right so as I'm doing as I'm driving I realized this is a tremendous muscle a tremendous metaphor for life all of us have a GPS built-in comes with the factory inside us it's our God positioning system it's our neshama it's our soul just like the GPS in our car can't work until we do certain things so to the GPS our god positioning system inside us what's the first thing you have to do with the GPS in your car what's the person you have to do you have to switch it on if this what you're on so - with our souls you gotta plug in and turn on you wake up in the morning mode a Aniela fanatical mellow psychic I am shares all Toppenish messy but hemler raba am UNICEF ah thank you God for restoring my soul great is your faithfulness in me you had such faith in me you gave me another day not everybody woke up this morning we did what are we gonna do with this day plug in turn on to God if you don't know the Hebrew just wake up and say thank you I'm alive all right so that's turning on what's the next thing you have to do with your GPS in your car you've got a programmer you gotta put in where you're going so - with our internal GPS if you don't know where you're going in every aspect of your life God can't get you there where are you going in your marriage where are you going with that child where are you going in your Judaism where are you going in your personal potential if you don't know where you're going God can't get you there so now I'm driving I'm getting a little bit overconfident I'm checking my Starbucks I'm talking on the phone I'm listening to the radio don't try this at home alright and the little lady in the Box said something and I missed it I missed him why because I wasn't listening we're not listening the almighty is always trying to help us to make the right turns in life and we're not listening our relationship with the Almighty in terms of conversation is not one way it's not a one-way conversation the Almighty talks back to us all the time not through a voice if you heard the almighty and the boy voice in the clouds or on a mountaintop this morning I'm sure we have therapists in the room to help you right that's not how he talks to us he talks to us through her shikaka practice through divine supervision everything in life happens for a reason nothing is by chance there's no such thing as luck chance or coincidence never say I'm lucky say I'm blessed life is chance a coincidence amis life is chaos everything happens for a reason you're sitting beside the person you're sitting beside for a reason all right whether it's here or it's on an airplane right the green light is either green or red Burmese everything happens for a reason the almighty is talking to us but we're not listening can I tell you what's one thing that we do at our shoppers table and my husband said this is the one thing that changed our family in our community we tell her Chicago stories on Friday nights we were we have many many guests when I'm home we have many many guests for Shabbos like 25 people Friday night for lunch we love it and many of our guests are not religious and sometimes is their first Shabbat experience so at the end of the meal I take it I bring the dessert out and then I bring an extra basket of goodies like lollies or sour sticks and I say okay now we're gonna tell hush cajas stories and these are the prizes so my guests are freaking out because I said a word worth in it okay all right so I explained to them I explained to them what hush kapha is that life is not chance of coincidence that everything happens for a reason and here are the rules at my Shabbos table so and you're all invited you really are all right not the same week all right so I imagine so the rules at our table are as follows if you've never been to our Shabbat table this is your first time you can tell a story avianna Hashem of God's hands in your life from your whole life just tell the story that you saw God's hand in your life from your whole life and for those who have been to our shop is table before you have to tell a story from your week it has to happen this week and people are regulars know including our regulars who live in our house know that they have to have a story or they don't get a prize and I have to tell you that this changed our family it really did when my kids were little they would they would stand up on a chair and they would tell this long involved story about bubbies dog or something and then at the end we go yeah and give them a prize all right then they started catching on and they realized what we're talking about where they saw yad Hashem the hand of God so when they were little as they're getting little bit older so their story to always ended the same way and then we didn't have to go to school and then the teacher didn't show up and then the contest was cancelled all right then we didn't have to learn God's story give me my prize okay it's a little bit like okay but then they got more mature and they really started seeing it and the more you're listening the more he talks God's saying now you're listening now let's talk my kids will now come home in the middle of the week 3 - today and people are saving up their stories what's going to be their story this week I really I highly encourage you to bring this to your family and many of our guests have done this and it gives it makes it so real and you start seeing life again it's not chance of coincidence that everything is happening for a reason so we're going through life and a lot of times we're making the wrong turns because we're not listening why because our stuff is getting in the way our stuff we're the ones getting in the way we can't hear God's message there's a lot of static and a lot of noise and it's going on in here it's going on right inside our heads and we are the cause of it I have found that people fall under two categories either they are living in the future or they're living in the past where does worry fear and anxiety live future or past future future worry fear and anxiety what's gonna happen what could be what could be in the future where does guilt regret and blame live past so I found in general that people are primarily either future people worry fear and anxiety or past people they're dwelling on the past and regret blame and pointing fingers and beating themselves up if you're both get help okay we're primarily one or the other how many people here are future people they really let you live in the future worry fear and anxiety how many people are past people how many people did not vote South Africans you're unbelievable every audience that as if I didn't notice you didn't put up your hands okay yes you're so emotionally healthy you're just living right here in the present you're hilarious Americans they vote twice okay like that like in Palm Beach County okay all right who put up their hand their future who's a future person okay show me the future person show me the future show it to me I can't why it hasn't happened yet who is a past person past person show me the past okay right but can you show it to me no why because it's already happened all right it's over listen ladies and gentlemen we are spending an unbelievable unbelievable amount of time energy headspace emotion and resources worrying about the future and Welling on the past and they don't exist do you hear the insanity their illusion we create them as if they're we turn them into reality how many things have you ever worried about that never happened countless where that was a waste of time and what's going on we're so busy here and there that we're missing out on the only reality and that is now now we are never here we're flipping out about the future are flipping out about the past and we're never in reality we're never here now this is the only thing that exists but you're saying oh my gosh but there's so many things happening in my life of course I'm worried about the future like in this situation this was listen I have to deal with this person episode in this medical thing and this ago it's not your situation that creates your emotional reality it's your thoughts it's not your situation it's your thoughts and thoughts are just thoughts you can have a trauma in a family god forbid let's say divorce three kids they grow up one I'm never getting married the other one I'm gonna become a marriage counselor and help people with their marriages another one is galvanized to create a movement right where I am write a book to help people with their marriage three different children the same trauma three different reactions it's not your situation it's your thoughts and thoughts are just thoughts when you're in a state of worry anxiety fear or blame guilt and regret and you have a situation in front of you if you're in one of those states are you gonna make good choices no you're gonna make terrible choices terrible choices when you're in one of those states that's God's message to you your thoughts are wrong now we're not here to tell you you've got a heavy situation in front of you look on the bright side be happy no this is a heavy situation but living in fear anxiety panic and you're freaking out is not gonna help you deal with your situation we're not waiting for happy we're waiting for the three C's clear calm connected when you're in a state and you're clear calm and connected now make a decision now have that significant conversation now click send on the email it's gonna be her of Gmail I'm on Gmail all right Gmail do um so Gmail has this new function is called undo do you know about it it's called undo you can just there's a way to put it onto your Gmail it's called I do it that you could if you click send and you immediately regret you have about three seconds to click undo and they never got it is that cool alright my husband and I when we lived in Denver Colorado a few years ago we had a Sunday morning show called the politics it was a Sunday morning show and it was not that you a show but it was clear my husband is Jewish because I kept calling him the rabbi rabbi what do you think it was a call-in show and we had different ethical questions and and and subjects and themes every week it's a lot of fun when they trained us on the board and I have a little bit of background in radio they trained us to the studio on the board it does this is a volume this is how you take the calls and then they said this is the most important button what's this button the eight second delay button when you hear something on the radio it actually happened eight seconds ago there's an eight second delay so they told us if you get a caller and they call in and they use a word they shouldn't use hit that button and the last eight seconds will never be heard or if you say something and you regret that you said it hit the button and the last eight seconds will never be heard what was I thinking I wish I had this button in my life eight seconds eight minutes eight years all right so again it's not your situation it's your thoughts and they're only thoughts we are what do you do don't try to take these thoughts of anxiety and fear and guilt and replace them with happy thoughts now you've got a whole mess of thoughts let the thoughts go let them go and wait for clarity clear calm connected Yeshua das a settled mind that's your goal that's where you want to be living that's the place where you can make good choices that's the state where God can get in and you can hear him and it'll be clear which choice to make otherwise we think think over think thick thick thick big big busy busy busy busy minds and there is no Clare how do we get how do we let the thoughts go whatever works works according to the studies where is the number one place that people get that Eureka moment I got it I got the answer where's the number one place the shower it's true the shower why because you're not thinking right because when you're overthinking do you often don't get any clarity the time to think is when you're calm clear and connected the shower you know we're the number two place is irony and that's why your maid is a lot happier than you clear your head wait for that clarity stop overthinking let time often takes care of it sleeping on it you know the one of the worst this is for the marriage talk but but one of the worst pieces of marital advice that somebody gives and I hope I'm not offending anyone here never go to sleep angry is that good advice that's bad advice sometimes it's better to go to sleep and green you wake up you're not so angry anymore all right my husband has a 24-hour rule he didn't tell me this in two years into our marriage what's a 24-hour rule he says if he I do something that makes him upset which has happened twice in our marriage all right he waits this is like for the guys he waits 24 hours before he talks to me about it why because 24 hours later most of the time he can't even remember what he was upset about you can't but 24 hours later if he is doesn't remember then now he's calm and now we can talk it out those two times all right so whatever works works yoga swimming meditation sleeping on it time I know somebody who in their mind puts this all this emotion into a helium balloon in their mind and they let it go just let the thoughts go their only thoughts your situation is your situation but instead of looking at it as this unbelievable overwhelming problem my Rebbetzin always sad this is good for a magnet so make sure make magnets for our fridges my Rebbetzin says there are no problems there are only opportunities for growth and some of our opportunities are very big all right tremendous growth opportunities the almighty is trying to squeeze the potential out of us the worst thing as a parent you have like parent-teacher night here is this what you do this parent-teacher night the worst thing for a parent I find when I go to parent-teacher night it's when the teacher says your kid your child is so smart but they're not realizing their potential it's so painful they're just you know either getting good grades right but they're not realizing their potential how painful it is for the almighty to look down at us he knows what we the opportunities he gave us he knows the brain the family the smarts the the looks the the resources and were not realizing our potential and he loves us too much to let us waste our lives imagine it's the first day of school and my daughter comes home and says Emma I have a new science teacher he's the best I love this science teacher I go really how come she said he told us there are no tests no tests he's moonlighting at a community college and he has no time to grade there's no test I love this time the best science teacher ever and what am I thinking as I'm calling up the principal to get this guy fired this is the worst a science teacher if my child knows there's no TAS she's gonna study hard is she gonna give it her all is she gonna realize her potential in this subject no she's just gonna slide anybody your teacher teachers teachers teachers teachers what would you teach great chill so when you announce a test do you have tests and great to hear okay you're so cute so when you announce a task why are you giving the test you have to see if you're a good teacher are the absorbing the material am I getting and what's your goal in the year for these kids Brett you want to get the different level you want them to realize their potential right in this year that's your goal now when you assign the task is that what the children are thinking thank you so much for caring so much about my potential know they're thinking what a crowd I hate this teacher this teacher gets off on giving me pain okay this is Chrome this is what we all thought when we got a test right when the almighty sends us tasks he sends the tasks because he cares because he cares if he didn't care he wouldn't bother getting into our lives and helping us to realize our potential I wish it was that we all realize our potential when everything's going amazing when everything is going great now I have to tell you my husband's a rabbi rabbis never get these calls hello rabbi my name is so-and-so somebody told me I should call you I have to tell you my life's a dream my marriage it's bliss my kids could not be more respectful I have more money than I could use in a thousand lifetimes I want to get together with you rabbi just talk about what do you think God is telling me how can I grow through this we don't get those calls we get the opposite calls right health wealth marriage everything's going down that's when they call up a rabbi that's when they're thinking what is God telling me that's when they start reaching down deep and find out what they're really made of my husband always tells me greater then stopping and think what is God telling me when things are going bad when things are going good when you get that windfall of money when your health comes when the test for the health come back and the help and it's a great answer when when you're getting along wonderfully within these relationships that's the time to stop and think what's God telling me what's the message how can I grow in my potential how can i strengthen my relationship with the Almighty when good things happen don't wait for heavy things to happen and much better to get God's messages when he whispers and don't wait for him to shout how often has something heavy happened in our life and we look back and we realize oh my gosh if I only would have listened back then dr. tatata and then but the almighty loves us too much to say well I tried you got your life I got mine good luck all right we never give up on our children we tell them the right thing to do and they don't listen do we just write them off no we try in a different way we never give up we do everything we can't create it behind the scenes whatever it's gonna take to get through to that kid because we love them so much we never give up on them sometimes we have to give them a punch sometimes we have to take something away that makes them cry sometimes we have to say no the almighty loves us too much to give up on us he cares and that's why the tests are happening how do you know that something's attached because it's hard and what's hard for you is not hard for me and what's hard for me may not be hard for you but if it's hard for you it's a test and why is the almighty sending the test because he loves us and he wants us to be great bless you that's why because he cares when we're in a high state clear connected calm be grateful when we're in a low state and we're freaking out be graceful time takes care of a lot of things again a lot of things that we're freaking out about never even happen if they happen the Almighty has sent this test to you and he's already given you all the resources you need to pass the test he's already given you the resources all the people and all that I'm sure you've seen this in life it says God since the solution even before the problem don't freak out everything happens for a reason the Almighty loves us no one said this was going to be easy I looked in the Torah backwards and forwards looking for the line that says this will be easy that it actually says the opposite this is not going to be easy and what we go through in the scheme of our eternity this is not my talk on soul in the afterlife but in the scheme of our eternity and this world isn't all there is this world is a blip it's a blink of an eye but what happens in that blip what happens in that blink of an eye will affect all of our eternity this is a world to strive and to accomplish and to work hard and they don't call growing pains for nothing you have all of eternity to hang out the women who come to my regular classes know never to say the c-word in my class what's the c-word comfortable comfortable don't say your don't say Laurie uncomfortable in my marriage I'm comfortable in my Judaism I'm comfortable in my community I'm comfortable you know what comfortable means you stopped trying you stopped trying this is not a world for comfort again you have all of outland the big hoorah is in Olam haba all right like you have all of eternity to hang out and to bask in the choices and the growth that you made in that blip in this world don't get comfortable and be careful don't make choices and decisions based on what other people think it is astonishing to me how many of us it's human nature will make major choices in life based on what other people think I was in the pediatricians office in Toronto years ago and all the kids are sharing their germs with the toys and to women everybody Jewish use this pediatrician religious not religious and to women who are not religious but clearly Jewish we're sitting across from me I couldn't help but overhear their conversation and they're talking and one of them looks over at the little kids and says you know we're thinking about having another baby and her friend goes what are you talking about you have a girl you have a boy you fit into your jeans what do you need another baby for she goes oh you're right okay like that's how we make a choice about whether we bring another human being into the world you fit into your jeans are you joking and that's how people make choices I hate to break the news to you but you get very little air time in your friends lives you really think you're the topic conversation you're not you're in between pass the potatoes and pass the corn and then between pass the potatoes so what did you hear that says that they're switching schools and like what are they getting religious I'm only past the or on to another subject you're in between pass the potatoes and pass the corn you're in between the order of Starbucks and did you hear I got a new car and in between they're talking about you that's it man okay that's the amount of airtime you get in your friends lives and you're gonna make choices based on that the choice are where to send our children to school the school we choose for our children it's not who our kids are gonna be it's who your grandchildren are gonna be this is a heavy big choice these choices matter and not just for here but for eternity please do not make these choices in a state of anxiety and guilt do not make those choices wait again to be clear calm and connected and it says in Pirkei Avot make yourself a ruff have somebody in your life that you can go to who's gonna help you make these choices King Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived and he had a rabbi why would the wisest man who ever lived need a rabbi because we are very subjective about our lives because it's our life we need somebody objective to help us but when it says make yourself a rough that doesn't mean just choose him he married my parents he's local would you choose a heart surgeon because it's convenient all right a decorator even know you want the best you want the decorators decorator you want the doctors doctor you want the rabbi's rampa you should look around you should meet with them and understand them to understand who you are make them your Rob means have a relationship with them so that you have somebody in your life that you can go to when it's back things are for an objective wise boys and because they know you and if they're a big Rob if they're really wise if I went them went to them with the question and you went with the exact same question they would give us two different ants because within Omaha within Jewish law there is a breaths right it's not black and white there's lenient and strict opinions they know who's in front of you they know who's in front of them and they can make they can give the right wisdom and guide us in the right way one of the first questions I asked a guy who is like a Sarah I know a girl and she's dating a guy and she wants me to meet him check him out so the first question I asked him is who's your rough who's your rabbi and if he goes I don't really have one thank you goodbye okay but nice knowing you everybody needs a rabbi but especially men especially men because a man without a Rob thinks he's it sorry guys all right and he thinks that you have needs somebody to keep them in check somebody to say you know what you're not so it all right and you need to consult there are things that you see that in the Torah and you and Judaism that help our soap Judaism is so practical rabbi Kelemen says if it's not practical it's not Torah it's really there to help us to make the right choices to get the most pleasure out of life but again we're just running round in circles remember I told you about the GPS until you know where you're going God can't get you there we're just like we're on the Beltway we're like Oh north south east most we don't know where the heck we're going it starts with you until you know who you are and where you're going if you're single you don't know who to go with and until you know who you are and where you're going and again we're gonna talk about marriage this afternoon more how can you possibly achieve what you need to achieve the Almighty gave us an incredible unbelievable life and so much opportunity and yes a lot of challenges and those challenges are meant for you in a box tied up with a bow sent to you with love from the Almighty and this is our opportunity to grow every person in our life every challenge is there God loves us stop living in illusion get out of future and past and be here be present Shabbos helps us with this Shabbat chipper you be here we don't add to the world we don't take away from it you're not even allowed to talk about things that are gonna happen after Shabbat on Shabbat if I start going to my daughter like you know what Wednesday I think you have an appointment she goes Shabbos occasion no be here it takes effort to be here especially those of us who are busy busy Minds be here I'm a future person I literally was obsessed with the future what's gonna happen what's happen even if I'm sitting there playing game with my kids I'm flipping out about you know planning things I was never here and then I learned this wisdom and I working very hard at being present and when I start flipping out I say because that voice in my head what's good what's good even I replace it with a different voice my voice is Laurie be present Hashem will take care of the future and I immediately feel that this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders I didn't grow up religious I started my Jewish journey in my 20s when I realized that God ran the world I was so relieved I didn't have to run it anymore after the first Shabbat that I kept I remember we made Havdalah and I thought the world kept turning without me how do you like that the almighty created us he knows who we are he knows we can flip out he knows that we can avoid challenge and opportunity and he knows we're busy pointing fingers if only that person efforts were changing in this economy in this moment my mother loved instead of doing this and realizing that everything is going on the almighty is trying to get our attention he's trying to squeeze the potential out of us stop living in the past start to well it stopped dwelling on the past and stop worrying about the future the only thing that is real is now and it's a gift and that's why they call it a present thank you very much [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Sinai Indaba

Views: 72,784

Rating: 4.8058252 out of 5

Keywords: Judaism, Torah, Shiur, Inspiration, Positivity, Growth, Israel, Chief Rabbi, Love, Neshama, Soul, Spirituality, Lori Palatnik (Author), Rebbetzin, Worry (Quotation Subject), Fear (Symptom), Sinai Indaba, Jewish, Judaism (Religion), Anxiety (Symptom)

Id: rwxUo-ADJ7U

Length: 36min 12sec (2172 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 24 2012