Private Eye - The Year in Review 2018

um good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to private I live no expense has been spared look at this set and we're delighted to see you here this is where we do our review of the year it's the Private Eye annual but brought from the page to the stage and I know it's a difficult time Private Eye has run its own State of the Nation poll we ask people is society divided fifty percent said yes the other 50 percent said no but we're gonna do it anyway and I'd like you first to welcome the incredible cast Harry Enfield Lewis McLeod Jan Ravens and John sessions [Applause] thank you and to start we're going to have a piece to cheer us up reproduce from privatised sister paper the penguin times it gives you the news in black and white this opinion piece from the penguin times was written by a distinguished 93 year old penguin and it's called should we step in and help humans we've all seen the footage the desperate plight of millions of powerless Brits trapped deep in a harsh unforgiving hole facing certain doom with no idea how to get out should we as penguins let nature take its course and leave them to their fate is it our duty as intellectually and Morial superior creatures to waddle in and help them escape in some way or should we let them jump over a cliff in slow motion with stirring music and a commentary by myself at the moment their future looks cold should we save them from we've got nature take its course thank you - penguin news we have got to do the b-word but fortunately the Prime Minister has taken time out from her national tour trying to convince you about her deal to appear here tonight and we have mrs. Teresa Mae in the words of the second greatest female Prime Minister of Britain rejoice rejoice the deal is done I have returned from Europe in triumph and to quote a rather earlier male prime minister I have in my hand a piece of paper or in my case 585 pieces of paper and quoting possibly our finest ever Prime Minister though history may decide otherwise after this week it is not the end of brexit it is not even the beginning of the end of brexit but it may be the end of the beginning of the beginning of the end all that remains after my historic agreement with mr. drunker of the European Union is to negotiate an agreement with my own cabinet MPs and Parliament this I assure you will be a formality but just in case it isn't I have written a letter to every man woman and child in Britain asking for their support let me read you this letter dear British person yours to resume Prime Minister okay this time to cheer ourselves up now and we're gonna play dumb Britain and this is the column in private I compiled by Markus Berkman which gives you real quiz answers to real quiz questions all of these are things contestants actually said from the chase tipping point mastermind tenable pointless and many more to be honest most of them came from the chase so we are going to invite we're going to invite Bradley Walsh who's also in Doctor Who now two asks the questions Bradley in which of Shakespeare's plays is a Roman leader stabbed in the back by friends gladiator the Eddie Stobart truck Tammy is named after which country and western singer Dolly Parker Samson lost his strength after what was cut off his arm the Yangtze River reaches the ocean near which major city Los Angeles who was the only British king to abdicate in the 20th century Charles Dickens the inhabitants of which Scottish town or city are referred to as thumbed onehans and if who wrote the 1653 book The Compleat angler JR Hartley in 1649 which English war resulted in the beheading of Charles our first world war one which famous military organization was set up by King Alfred the Great in the 9th century the SAS what animal is a cross between a horse and a donkey a honky the final city of El Dorado was said to be made of which metal ten can you give me the name of a medalist from the Rio Olympics mo Mowlam what day of the week Rome's exactly with Sunday Tuesday crotchets minam's and quavers are examples of what crisps we're going up market now and it's it's very exciting to be on the set of a real David Hare play this year David received some rather unfair criticism about the exposition in his TV drama being a bit clunky so Private Eye to defend him published a previously unseen play The Tortoise and the David Hare we're going to share it with you tonight but we cast it up a bit so we've got Sir Ian McKellen as The Tortoise and Dame Maggie Smith as the hare enter lovable sympathetic mysterious tortoise mysterious tortoise enter moody irascible troubled hare and I'm a moody restful troubled hare hello tortoise what are you doing here in Torre Britain you old tortoise you speaking as a tortoise which I am one thing I'm not going to do is challenge you to a race because as you remember I'm a tortoise and I have a backstory of being quite slow well this is Thatcher's Britain a new tortoise own your own home by which you mean the shell on my back I suppose because I'm a tortoise remember let's get this race but I'm going to win over with because in Cameron's posh boy Britain there are only winners no time for losers that's why race is a very big issue in today's society six I'm a LESBIAN remember yes and I'm an illegal immigrant what you doing with that gun are you going to start this race no I'm going to become a serial killer because I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder having served in Iraq in one of Tony Blair's in legal war supporting the American military-industrial complex oh yes I remember I was going to tell you at this point the hair went into a very long monologue which put even herself to sleep allowing the tortoise to win the race ladies and gentlemen our play drive dive courses is known for better coventry than that and mostly it's about the city and politics and that area where the city and the politics clash with conflicts of interest and we publish statements from various companies and this is a financial statement from none other than the well-known financier and politician Jacob Riis mark MP as a distinguished senior partner in the Somerset capital asset management scheme known as scam for short I would advise investors in our two billion pint fund that despite my total confidence in the successful outcome of Britain's exit from the European Union we have decided to relocate a part of our operation to the Irish Republic even though I am personally sure the brexit will undoubtably bring Britain a period of unprecedented prosperity we deem it prudent to hedge our bets by establishing a small office for scam above mr. Shamus Efrafa T's widely respected bar of Molly bloom Street in Dublin in the very unlikely event of the British economy totally collapsing as a result of the very sensible approach to Brick's it so eloquently advocated by myself it might turn out to be crucial to the survival of scam that we retain a foothold somewhere within the territories of the European Union I believe this decision will further reinforce the attraction of our international portfolio which includes our much acclaimed investment vehicle poutine scam which enables us to profit from the fast expanding marketing companies run by very wealthy friends of the Russian president in conclusion I have total confidence in Britain's ability to create a modern go ahead optimistic future forging new trading relationships with countries such as Mesopotamia Persia and Cathay Jacob is of course still alive but we we tend to cover the recently dead by means of our poet he is a eulogist of three noticed EJ thrip he writes a bitchery verse when someone has died often the less celebrated the more obscure figures of the age so the first poetry corner is in memoriam Ingvar Kamprad who was the founder of Ikea so farewell then ingvar comfort creator of the furniture revolution although unfortunately you were pro Nazi in your youth you tried to make up for it by showing us all how to build a better world or at least a better bathroom cabinet or billy bookcase he says we are all trying to put together a better world but sadly we do not all have the right allen key and often everything just falls apart ej forever just as we get a poet to cover the major obituaries we get a romantic novelist to cover the big royal stories this is Sylvie crin one of the great writers of the age no you thought I was gonna say Jeffrey Archer this is Sylvie crin and this is her describing what happened at the christening of the new royal baby Prince Louie it's about Prince Charles it's called air of Sorrows Charles is attending a party to celebrate the christening of his newest grandchild he's marvelous enthused the heir to the throne I'm here surrounded by all my old friends Charles was alone in the green house at Highgrove in the midst of his beloved collection of pot plants I'm sorry about these chips but I'm gonna have to leave you as if on cue can we let arrived to disturb his convivial conversation just stop skulking around in here Chasseur and come back to the party inside the michael ballroom the party organised by the younger royals was in full swing charles could hear the heavy pounding of top grime artist storm z daniel's vibrating through the louie to burn yesh undelicious pop went a champagne cork as prince william's friend guys silly opened yet another bottle of champagne fizzing some time to wet the baby's head again shouted silly as he filled the glasses of the assembled young people with vintage Bullinger grand cru who are they Charles wondered was that Herrmann to cut some jets and flotsam who's she talking to was it definitely an old Etonian I think possibly Darius Chumley food banks well maybe Bongo moneybags Charles worried that he could no longer remember anyone's name there were capes family the middle tossing turns busily advertising their new range of christening party balloons and baptized me quick hats that missus and her husband mr. and Kate's sister there however was dear old Camilla holding the new royal infant what was the baby's name again Louis no I come on cheer up Joslyn you don't like the ghost at the feast shy did his consort Royale the Duchess of Marlborough light as she attempted to give the newly christened baby Louie a quick vape yeah this will keep him quiet it's Dutch the original organic mint and cannabis flavor Kate smiled weakly and hurriedly took the baby away and gave him to her mother Charles moved towards the buffet with its range of stylish Lee named font food from the middle slashings and christening collection and he overheard a conversation drifting over from Prince Harry and Princess Megan I think he's behaving very well all things considered sued the unmistakable empathetic Californian voice of the newly weds Duchess Markel of sparkle no tantrums no crying no throwing his toys out of the pram a Greek Prince Harry yes indeedy-do tea I think your father's on top form oh yeah you're totes ride mixed up Pater is playing a blinder the room seemed to spin around Charles's weary head what was worse being ignored or patronized either way it really was that was the word for it important that's the world legs ever and still be created it's not all domestic obsession we do take an interest in Foreign Affairs we even run a TripAdvisor service in private eye on this is the TripAdvisor it's a review of the cathedral city of Salisbury by Russian tourists Alexander and result as ordinary citizens with no connection whatsoever to the Secret Service we had a lovely time in this great English rural town we went to a number of places of interest including the famous Cathedral and miss the screep house front door we were so exhausted after one hour sightseeing that we headed back to our lovely hotel in BO East London this snowy weather was also very difficult for us Russians because we so rarely see snow in Russia but we loved Salisbury so much that we went back the next day and had a lot of fun trying to avoid all the CCTV cameras we saw all the sights but found we still had a bit of time to kill we had a great time and definitely won't be going there again or indeed anywhere outside Russia unfortunately we lost our duty free perfume somewhere in the area if found please don't return thank you to TripAdvisor Private Eye tries to cover culture the BBC history documentaries and as a result of that we covered meri beards career now she's presented most programs this year you will have noticed but this one was a classic and classical it tried to bring the classical world alive to a popular audience this is Mary beard Julius Caesar revealed Mary beard strides into the hospital delivery room dressed in scrubs and stands next to a woman giving birth what a lot of mums like Sally here forget when they're having a c-section is that the sea is actually short for cesarean woman screams in agony Julius Caesar is still part of our everyday language cut to man in street with rock piler that's a boy Caesar cut to Mary pushing open the door of the Rovers return and who can forget that mainstay of one of our best loved soaps Bette Lynch got to photo of Bentley it's played of course by the fabulous Julie Goodyear who may not realize that her name derives from the most famous and most notorious ancient Roman of them all Julius Caesar as famous in his day as Beyonce cut to footage of Beyonce Oh posh and Becks after footage of David and Victoria Beckham ah our shot to Marion Rome eating a Caesar salad so how did rich but frankly not a list aristocrat get so powerful that the only solution was spiraling spoiler alert to stab him to death cut to photo of Michael Gove behind Boris Johnson the young Julius started off by playing a game according to the rules to marry playing table football in an Italian bar but before long he was tearing up the rulebook Mary tears up a rule book and when he left Italy for Gaul he got to lay the foundation customary and a high-vis jacket on a building site on which all his latest successes would be built and above all he knew how to set the news agenda just like Twitter and social media today yet Julius Caesar didn't even have his own mobile but he could have taught Donald Trump cut a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian cut a picture of Kim Kardashian and 2016 X Factor winner Mac Terry cut to pitch bat everything there is to know about sound bites take this for instance vanie vidi vici I came I saw I conquered cut to marry playing congas so that's how Julius Caesar got to the top of the political ladder cut to Mary on a stepladder and made in the most famous and notorious ancient Roman of them all Mary Baird now time to change things around a bit and introduce privatised great parodist Craig Brown who writes a diary for us in the back in every issue there's quite a lot of them in the annual which I hope you'll enjoy ladies and gentlemen can you welcome Craig Brown onto the stage and Craig's first re he is channeling Kenneth Rose the very well-known Sunday Telegraph diarist now his Diaries have just been published he was a great fan of the royal family he chronicled high society his critics said he was a social climbing snob but no Craig is here to prove otherwise 8th of October 1970 over dinner at Pratt's poverty Bristol tells the most amusing story bubbles Birmingham and I are all is apparently Hector Chumley once asked Walter Pettigrew to luncheon poodles little realizing that Pettigrew much preferred Pass having once been served there with a plate of slightly lukewarm tomato soup he is of course well known for liking his soup piping hot 10th of October 1970 I had just finished telling Tommy LaSalle the story of Pettigrew and Chumley and boodles when Tommy pipes up that Pettigrew's dislike of lukewarm soup is greatly exaggerated say what you like but I once saw Pettigrew spoon an entire plate of gazpacho into his mouth without so much as a backward glance he says a trifle veer mentally yet people still get on and on and on about Pettigrew disliking his soup lukewarm needless to say I hesitate to point out that gazpacho is generally served cold rather than Luke [Laughter] towards the end of our meal Tommy tells me a most amusing story involving the earl of crook ndon and a shaving brush 11 october 1970 dine at the beefsteak sit between Sir Percy Nutter and Lord curtsy curtsy of that ilk they find it hard to conceal their amusement when I tell them strictly Entre Nous that tommy la soul's is unwavering under the misapprehension the gazpacho is served lukewarm 12 October 1970 the travelers club General Sir William all-day Carver II can't wait can't wait to tell me that Tommy LaSalle thanks the gazpacho is a soup served hot I hesitate to tell him the true story ie that Tommy believes gazpacho is served lukewarm it shows how often one these stories get exaggerated as an historian one must always be on the lookout for these anomalies 17th of July 1980 luncheon at Clarence House and Majesty the queen-mother has never been more brilliant secret this extraordinary woman she's always beautifully dressed and in the highest of spirits and she's able to lay on magnificent repasts for 12 or more guests with astonishment and all with a staff of barely 65 she is a woman of supreme intelligence did I ever tell you of my encounter with Pettigrew and the gazpacho I say yes you did Kenneth she replies she has the most remarkable recall for people and places at one juncture I happen to mention the East End of London with no prompting whatsoever she informs that us that it is a few miles in that direction pointing to Trafalgar Square and beyond it's the most extraordinary feat of memory I don't know how you do it ma'am I say she says she's full of admiration for the warm-hearted men and women of East Cockney you know they simply adore one in return I make a point of visiting them every 40 years or so I would go more often but one doesn't want to overdo it does one or they get so spoiled an object lesson in generosity and selflessness I make a note in my diary to tell bobbity and bubbles over breakfast at boodles ground [Applause] we go from the very English to the very American and of course it strum we couldn't avoid him for any longer as so many people say in litigation this is Trump's performance when the powerful tropical storm hurricane Florence swept across the eastern seaboard leaving a trail of devastation and destruction in its wake the president took personal control and tweeted from his bedroom at 3:00 a.m. I have never met hurricane Florence I never slept with her unless she's that friend of stormy Daniels mr. Trump took some time to consider his position and at 301 qualified his earlier tweet oh hang on it's all coming back to me hurricane Florence signed a nondisclosure agreement that has nothing further to say on the matter I got my lawyer to deal with it all but I did not pay her money at 3:02 he continued okay I did pear money but it wasn't from campaign funds it was from my own personal bank account 303 all right it was from campaign funds but in no way was it a huge donation from the Russians call off this witch hunt now 305 okay may have been Russian money but I didn't know about it which makes it fake news hashtag failing New York Times a 306 the president exploded back onto Twitter hey why the cartoons been taken off to show me some boring wind storm who cares come on hashtag failing Cartoon Network 3:10 Looney Tunes deeply disturbing Speedy Gonzales so-called fastest mouse in Mexico I demand extradition of Gonzales of charges on rape murder and drug peddling lock him up build that wall that's enough get him out of here great job we do have our own scandals in Britain and and indeed in Scotland and Alex Salmond came into some trouble and again we decided the best response was to get a poet to deal with him this is the very famous Scottish poet William Rees McGonagall the purveyor of great verse for the last 200 years and this is lines written on the investigation of the former First Minister of Scotland for inappropriate behavior it was in the year 2018 but Alex almond was questioned as to where his horns and be and whether he had been somewhat remiss in the particular colleagues he had chosen to kiss the former First Minister admitted he'd been floated so strenuously denied he done anything dirty indeed he said he had no reason for guilt as the war went on or not beneath his guilt but the leader of his party cool Nicola Sturgeon cut pure Alex ass like a limb by a subject Alex say they'll fight you all in court for saying I've done things that didn't you note and to underline the unfairness of the case against me I hereby resign my lifelong membership of the SNP an ineffective righteous but canny entrepreneurial rage he set up an online legal defence crowdfunding but what would be the outcome of the investigation be would he be disgraced or would he walk free only one thing can we be entirely sure we'll see you an Alex one day on that shiny Strictly Come Dancing darkness Lord I know at this point you'll be thinking typical Tory bias where is Corbin it's what people ask all the time usually in the labour party anyway he appears regularly in private ah he writes a column for us and he's had a great year and he has he said to John McDonough I want to turn Britain into a very different country Venezuela this is Corbin writing over a really serious issue in the labour party hello well once again I've been forced to intervene over a sinister strain of prejudice that infects our labour party like a cancer the prejudice against me which I like to call anti jerem ISM is held by a small number of well-meaning but misguided labour party members who have this knee-jerk reaction to the state of Jezreel it's anti jerem ISM and criticism of Orthodox jezus that threatens the whole labour party and it must cease if you don't believe me listen to the views of someone entirely independent my old friend Diane Abbott Jeremy people tend to forget that our people the tribe of Jazza spent many years in the wilderness just because we refused to accept that Tony Blair was the Son of God we were persecuted by the sent rights wandering from festival to festival where we were subjected to all manner of indignities including Billy Bragg eventually we found a home on the mill bank a small place to call our very own and we immediately set about peacefully spreading ourselves around and removing everyone who didn't share our faith as is the prerogative of any persecuted people thanks Diane so let's get the guidelines absolutely straight anti jerem ISM it's the stereotyping of Jays as an ignorant blinkered old man who can't really see everything and he ever does is wrong to the sentiment is usually expressed by annoying Jewish people and also annoying job non-jewish people three could buy I'm a busy party leader got to organize Momentum's annual works outing to Stratford it's The Merchant of Venice again but you can never get tired of the classic Jeremy Corbyn and obviously in the interests of balance we move straight on to Boris a terrific year for Boris we learnt who the mystery blonde was that he was in love with its himself and we learnt that he sent two letters to his wife when the news of his infidelity came out one arguing he should remain one that he should leave he did in fact leave now this is about the press and this is about the Daily Telegraph which changed its name earlier this year to the daily Boris graph it runs a piece by Boris every Monday which it then puts on the front page this is one of many of his columns under the headline bricks it will be car crash says bricks a tear who was driving car wha-wha with her foot full on the throttle prime minister trees amazed backing into a corner where she's going to hit the buffers without leaving time to jump into the lifeboats and sail over the cliff whoa not since 1066 as this country faced a pileup of metaphors as serious as that created ah but I D so called checkers plan he proposals so kilometers that I voted for it before David Davis resigned and I thought a better design is well in case of mr. boat where was I oh yes haha 1066 magna carta have we forgotten ha ha have we forgotten that momentous moment in our island story when the Duke of Wellington can probably between the conquer and said no or to use a sporting metaphor for the man on the Clapham unleash shambles we are five nil down in extra time whoa with the ball turning on a sticky wicket and the referee asking for a third umpire as we go into the championship tie break what can we do simply adopt my six-point plan for clearing up the mess that I didn't anyway creates one reject mrs. Mays terrible plan for to come up with a brilliant plan of my own which will work very well three adopt the super Canada Breck's allistic for even though the south of it is simply quite a true shaft five if you say it loud enough you'll always sound precocious six super Canada break statistic XP a Laplace plus gotta go I think the pants are on fire [Applause] [Laughter] time for another eulogy by ej3 this is in memoriam ken dot entertainer so farewell then Ken Dodd they say you used to go on forever but sadly that wasn't true they also said only two things in life a certain death and taxes unfortunately you only avoided one and now it's not the ashes to ask [Applause] we also cover sport in private I particularly in our column commentator balls which are all sent in by readers and they are real examples of commentators trying to fill in time whilst they're watching sport these are all genuine we start of course with football Palmerston on Sky Sports he's moving a bit sheepishly at the moment parry groves on taught sport too they had a couple of little soirees into the opposition box sports presenter BBC Radio Lancashire we can have this debate so we're blue in the teeth Ian dot BT sport with Everton to kneel down Sam Allardyce will throw caution to the wind Oh Andy hint cliff sky sports the lone striker role was always gonna be a two-man job Jermaine genis BBC one I wouldn't say it was a confidence issue but he just started to lack a belief in himself sports presenter BBC News Argentinian fans chanting from dusk till dawn and probably over night as well Stephen Warnock radio 5 live Apple's early goal has given them fresh impotence it's not just football though crickets just as bad Connor McNamara on radio 5 live Warren saw a chance there to put his name in the headlamps sports reporter radio 5 live do you think there'll be a tear in his eye when the finger goes up Geoffrey Boycott Radio 5 Live his shows were all silver and gold like AB Alicia beacon Stewart broad Sky Sports cricket is a game without boundaries Ed Smith radio for roots retired ill again with gastroenteritis problems at both ends for Eamon now quick quick look at rugby Eddie Jones radio 5 live it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and you don't get many of those Paul Grayson Radio 5 Live it doesn't matter how big your tackle is you've got to be able to roll away austin-healey BT sport he's made out of mercury that player rocks Sonny and the last word to Clare Balding who's presented nearly all sports this year this reserve you on the Winter Olympics it was I think wonderful from beginning to start the commentators these are strange times and the press provides opinion pieces and this year they were an awful lot of pieces written along these lines in in papers that you you wouldn't quite have expected to them anyway Private Eye were happy to reproduce them it was the headline our timid leaders can learn from strong men it's all very well to criticize strong leaders but what people fail to understand is like them all not decisive leaders get things done Trump Putin heir to an and to Erte might be a little controversial but sensitive liberals must understand that these strong men are the future and surely they are better than leaders who just talk make promises and don't deliver this is why the decision by the BBC not to include the Daleks in the next season of Doctor Who's is wrong the Daleks have a clear easy to understand manifesto it's down a night particularly with regard to people who aren't like them and try and oppose them exterminate exterminate and they carry out their campaign pledges took the letter and you have to respect them for that they get things done as long as that thing is um palatable as Daleks may seem to liberal elites they are surely preferable to Doctor Who with her mushy ideas of nice outcomes that are good for people good for whom I for one would welcome Britain being subjugated by a strong man or rather a homicidal half-man half-robot just as long as he wasn't a pathetic weedy woman like Angela Merkel Theresa May or Barack Obama another obituaries in memoriam Fats Domino so farewell then Fats Domino king of boogie-woogie Godfather of rock-and-roll but would you be called fat today or would we have to call you differently sized Domino or alternatively weighted Domino or obesity issues Domino no it's not quite the same altogether now ain't that a shame charities were much in the news this year and their problems were lepton by the right-wing papers again Private Eye tended to reproduce their material this was a very strident piece called don't give them a penny Oxfam Oaks add more like I don't want to say I told you so but I did once again I've been proved right foreign aid never did anyone any good fat little old ladies in charity shops are wasting their time and worse than that are supporting international pedo gangs who roam the world with impunity spending the money raised from the moth-eaten cardigan you gave them on champagne hoisters and rentboys double fact it all goes to prove what I've always said charity begins at home but it's better if it doesn't begin at all so next time you hear news of a tragic famine earthquake or tsunami in some of a country and the miserable bearded aid workers shamelessly put out the begging bowl do yourself and the rest of the world a favor go and punch each other in the face burn down your local Oxfam show steal all the money from the collecting tin in the pub soon comic relief for all your money back even if you didn't give him any there's only one way to solve the world's problems and that's to ignore them ox fact PS Kannamma check please I'm dying to first time for the return of Craig Brown Craig coming back for a final set of parodies this is he there yes crown we couldn't let the birth of Louis go uncelebrated again and this is a Festschrift of some of the UK's greatest writers and thinkers commenting on the birth of baby Lily Craig this is Piers Morgan this morning I texted Louis to wish him the very best of British he hasn't replied yet but frankly I've noticed that all my best royal buddies are on the slow side when it comes to texting I suppose we have to wait for a flunky to do it for them Louis a smashing little guy and in the years to come I look forward to introducing him to my good friends Michael Caine Amanda Holden Lord Sugar's Simon Cowell Donald Trump and Rachel Stevens from s clubs [Laughter] this is the late VS Naipaul who was increasingly sour the new baby is a deep disappointment even after a week he has yet to do anything worthy of consideration you can see bitterness itched in his features he has said nothing of interest he cries and gurgles gurgles and cries these are clear signs of a peevish unpleasant nature this is the Daily Mail columnist Amanda Pluto the old saying has it that Monday's child is fair a face wrong the first time I set eyes on Lilly coming out of that hospital with that know-it-all look about him as if he owned the place I thought to myself well this Monday's child is fatter face time to shed a few pounds chubby chops with all that money you'd have thought wills and Kate could have afforded a junior indoor rowing machine for him I've workout just a couple of hours a day and I'm reliably told I have the body of a woman of 25 so face the facts Fat Boy Louie if you want me to be in the iconic words of Billy Joe L your uptown girl then you best start cutting those calories and fast this is Richard Dawkins tweeting Richard Dawkins at Richard Dawkins just because the Royal baby will be subjected by his grossly ill informed parents to a grotesque christening does not mean that he will be more moral than the rest of us quite the opposite statistics show that people who define themselves as religious are more likely to be rapists murderers and pickpockets fact this is Lord Archer with a few carefully chosen words in the right ears I managed to get the Duchess of Cambridge into the VIP Lindo wing of st. Mary's Hospital breathe not a word to anyone but the Lindo wing is actually named after me Lord Geoffrey Lindo Archer little-known fact but it's my middle name it's not something I boast about but I dug deep in my pockets to have it built and equipped and I secretly pay all the salaries of the splendid doctors and nurses blessing before I became a big Booker winning author I was actually a fully qualified doctor and I like to keep my hand in I'm deeply proud to have been there to deliver Prince Louie last Monday I only wish I could have stayed longer but I had promised to undertake a hush-hush assignment to rescue kidnapped twins from Mozambique in darkest South America mission accomplished Sarah Ferguson at Sarah the Duchess thank you gorgeous little pretty Prince puppy dog for empowering us to believe that every day a dream is possible and for spreading hope love and litter lots of other great things around this beautiful beautiful world of ours you are my hero and I'm so proud of your wisdom and inner strength I just know you're going to love my new children's books ballerina green ballerina Rosie goes sailing and buzzy the little helicopter goes shopping now availa they're both now available from my bestest bestest friends at Amazon Cote UK this is Guardian columnist Owen Jones it's a hard one fact that the establishment is hand in glove with the media to systematically employ role burst to distract our hard-won attention from the wind rush victims transmitting falsehoods about a succession of royal babies to incite hatred against minorities is just the latest in a long line of closely calibrated campaigns by the Tories and their allies to undermine the foundations of our hard-won democracy and finally we have that great lyricist Sir Tim Rice and for this I thought we'd have a little it's just going to be a lyric by him and I'd like you all to chorus at the end we might have one little practice when I raise my hand you have to shout joyously hurrah for Prince Louie we'll have one one practice very good okay this is the the brilliant lyric Sir Tim Rice welcome young sir who sets all our hearts a stir more precious than myrrh and warmer than fer goodly biddings young prince tastier than after-dinner mints so we won't say Oh Phooey no we'll sing just time for a few more items Private Eye doesn't get a huge amount of advertising you may have noticed quite a lot of stuff involving stair lifts cruises and soups by mr. Rajah extremely good I'm wearing one tonight but we do occasionally run public service adverts including those for the BBC this appeared a short time ago is a very special job and they were advertising for it the BBC is seeking to appoint to oversee BBC Sir Cliff Richard relations the post will suit either a devil woman or a bachelor boy and he or she will develop a comprehensive strategy to find out why Sir Cliff Richard and the BBC don't talk anymore or no account will that strategy involve wirings a cliff for some ideally the Post's remit will include taking the blame for losing the corporation a vast stack of money while those really responsible go on an extended summer holiday there's no more working for a week or two if the applicant is successful he or she will get congratulations and celebrations from a grateful corporation salary 100,000 pounds plus Christmas bonus of mistletoe and why time for a final quick poetry corner this is in memoriam Rodney boos David Cassidy a CDC's Malcolm young and the serial killer Charles Manson so farewell then quite a lot of people whatever happened to the likely lads well in your case Rodney now we know could it be forever sorry David no Malcolm let's hope you're not on the highway to hell but we know who definitely is don't we charge just time to find out what's happened to another of our great leaders Tony Blair a diary Thursday the truth is these days I'm more in demand than ever I'm quite literally rushed off my feet I grab breakfast at home and quickly scan Twitter for reaction to my major keynote speech on the need for global interdependence brilliant it's been retweeted by independent Assessors at the Tony Blair Institute for Global Change and BBC Wales today have also retweeted it which is great I put an urgent call through to my old buddy President Barack Obama yo Barrack Tony here how's it going just keen to touch base over global interdependence the response was immediate this is the office of President Barack Obama please leave your name and the purpose of your call and we will get back to you as soon as possible Friday fight I have a few hours between a solo working breakfast and perhaps grabbing a bite to eat that evening so I go out to have a chat with my police protection guys I like to exchange friendly banter with them looks like it's gonna be a nice sunny day I said this morning that means it's time to get our umbrellas out said one to the other I I guess they must have misheard me Barack has not called back I hope I didn't miss his call while I was watching countdown Tony Blair I have to make a very serious statement before we close I know we're running out of time this is an editorial about mr. Max Mosley in the light of mr. Mosley's recent attempts to use the Data Protection Act to delete references to his past from the official record I'd like to make it clear that Private Eye as a responsible newspaper will no longer be referring to sadomasochistic or G's involving german-speaking prostitutes spanking mr. Mosley's bottom on the grounds that this indeed may be painful for him we certainly won't be suggesting that suffering pain seems to be what mr. Mosley likes nor would we be suggesting that it is hypocritical of her Mosley to gag the press when he's the one who's gagging for it we realize this is a very serious issue that needs to be treated sensibly it's a deeply important debate about the freedom of the press and we hope that mr. Mosley does not end up as a sore loser even though that's what he really likes so we'd like to assure mr. Mosley that we consider this is too important to question for childish sniggering on behalf private eye and suggesting that mr. Mosley changed his name to max Spanky mukbang face quick time to another public service announcement this is auditions here at the theater and they're very important announcement from Patrick Stewart Sir Patrick Stewart the Royal National Theatre of nice dub is currently holding auditions for the part of Hamlet applicants need to be Danish of royal blood and suicidal other actors please do not bother to apply as you are no longer eligible for this role the Royal National Theatre of nice 'dom is an equal opportunities employer except we are talking of acting and of great films we have to end with Sir Herbert gusset so Herbert gusset is still writing letters to the Daily Telegraph from deepest Somerset and this letter was the subject of a film about Winston Churchill which I hope you all saw ladies and gentlemen Sir Herbert Gossett as lifelong admirers of the late Sir Winston Churchill undoubtedly the greatest British prime minister of this or any other age my wife and I recently drove into market back West to attend the cinematic performance of the new film darkest hour imagine our Halle on discovering this suppose an account of the momentous events of 1948 which Lady Letitia and I remember as if it was yesterday was nothing but a complete travesty of the historical facts not five minutes into this film we were shown footage of what purported to be a typical London Street of the time he missed one could clearly see driving along in the background a 1953 Ford consul at least this Hill was redeemed by the one inspiring scene where Churchill is shown as having doubts as to whether Britain should continue to fight the Nazis or sue for peace Churchill enters the carriage of an underground train where he seeks the views of a typical cross-section of ordinary 1940 Britons a chimney sweep Kolbert a children's nanny who gives her name's miss popping a cloth cap dustman mr. Doolittle plus several representatives of Britain's then worldwide Empire including a turbaned seek a stern looking Imam and a West Indian expert on British and Roman history all of whom are shown conducting an animated discussion on Britain's military options with gallant members of London's wartime LGBTQ community why brightly quite rightly they all end up shouting go for it Winnie kick that Hitler in the Ghoulies the nation is right behind you as you produce Union Jack's from their pockets to sing a rousing chorus of room the Prime Minister bursts into tears and then strides off to the House of Commons to deliver the speech which undoubtedly won the war ladies and gentlemen thank you all very much for your patience and thank you very much for coming there is a book signing afterwards we'll be selling copies of the annual and the writers will all be there to sign the books could I ask you there for in in this particular order to show your appreciation [Applause] [Music] [Applause]

Channel: Private Eye Magazine

Views: 61,403

Rating: 4.84127 out of 5

Keywords: private eye, ian hislop, national theatre, jan ravens, harry enfield, lewis macleod, john sessions

Id: OfCeipJNfgo

Length: 66min 8sec (3968 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 12 2018