Paul Tripp | Parenting is Gospel Ministry

i am paul tripp this is about parenting if you're looking for the seminar on eschatology and your local starbucks you're in the wrong room let's uh pray together thank you lord for the stunning reality that we have been chosen to be your children and we are the moment by moment recipients of your forgiving rescuing and transforming grace we pray in this moment because we know how fickle our hearts can be how easily distracted we can be how defensive we can be i pray that you would open our hearts my prayer is that this just wouldn't be a time where we receive parenting information but i am so bold as to pray that by your grace this would lead to heart and life transformation that we would look back on this moment and say that god has been with us and he has done a good thing thank you that you never turned a deaf ear to christ of your people thank you that you hear us and you answer in jesus name amen parenting good gospel-driven god-honoring fruit-producing parenting doesn't begin with theology it doesn't begin with strategies it begins with confession and what you need to confess is that parenting is impossible now you think i'm being facetious but i'm being quite accurate there's nothing natural for me in parenting i don't naturally think about the welfare of other human beings i'm not naturally patient i'm not a natural servant i don't naturally look for places to sacrifice my time and energy for the good of someone else i'm easily irritated easily self-focused there's a way in which everything that god calls me to in parenting is utterly unnatural for me don't look at me like you don't know what i'm talking about i'm going to ask you this afternoon if you would right now fire your inner lawyer i can do that because i have an inner law firm and open your heart what god calls you to as a parent is utterly impossible for you to do in and of yourself you do not have inside of you the ingredients that are necessary for you to be god's tool for the forming of a human soul think about that think about what god has called you to do think of the significance the lifelong significance of what god has called you to do think of the demandingness of parenting moment after moment day after day morning after morning afternoon afternoon night after night for not one year not two years not three years not four years but 20 25 years you start with confession you start with confession that if you're ever going to parent in the way that god has called you to parent you must be rescued from you because apart from that rescue you will not be what you're supposed to do and you will not do what you're supposed to do i sat on my bed one night in a dark room utterly discouraged frustrated overwhelmed because i had gone into my teenage son's bedroom to have a conversation that i wanted to be a good conversation and he pushed back at me and i tried again and he pushed back at me and i got angry and i said things that i should never have said that he should never have heard i sat on my bed facing the reality that i'd blown it once again crying out god i can't do this i can't do this listen there aren't seven strategies to producing noble children they don't exist do you hear me they don't exist they don't exist enough of the heresy that makes us think if we learn 10 things everything will go well with our parenting if all you needed was 10 insights to be able to be what you're supposed to be and to do what you're supposed to do with your children jesus would have never had to come the gospel that we embrace blows that away this material is out of my latest book i i had i had really no desire to write a parenting book when i was approached writing a parenting book i it wasn't really attractive to me but the more i listened to couples the more i listened on weekends to what people are doing and what they're thinking and their frustrations and their view of their successes i became more and more concerned that the gospel that we celebrate on sunday the gospel that has formed our theology somehow isn't forming our parenting that it looks different in fact i'm i think if there's one place in our lives where we tend to ask the law to do what only grace can accomplish it's in our parenting and and so often christian parenting well-meaning loving parents have reduced parenting down to a neat set of rules with accompanying set of enforcements and and parenting gets reduced down to being a lawgiver a prosecutor a judge and a jailer and it's it's an alien world to what the bible describes as the process of the radical re-forming of a human being what theology forms your parenting you see that's why it's important to start with this confession as a parent you are not a grace graduate can i say this while i can say it because i get to leave there are no grace graduates in this room none i'm concerned that shocking self-righteousness forms our parenting where we fail to confess that we are more like our children than unlike them we are desperate we are we are rebellious children we are self-oriented children we don't like to obey we push against boundaries we are everything our children are with our heavenly father think about this if if you're a husband and you're now you're now in your wife's face and you're saying things that you shouldn't say to her you're not doing that because you're ignorant of that of the fact that that's wrong are you you know that's wrong you're doing that because that at that moment you don't give a rip what is wrong you want something and you will do what's necessary to get it welcome to your children why are you shocked when your children do the same listen i'll tell you why you're shocked because you preach to yourself the gospel of your arrival and to the degree that you fail to confess your struggle to that degree you will be intolerant of the struggle of your children did you hear what i said to the degree that you fail to humbly confess the degree of your own struggle the prevalence of your own struggle the daily war for your own heart the fact that you need forgiveness every day you need empowerment every day you need wisdom every day because you are a danger to yourself if you forget that you will not be ready to deal with the same in your children in a way that depicts grace nobody gives grace better than a person who's desperately convinced he needs it himself that's why good godly parenting always begins with confession doesn't begin with strategies begins with a humble admission that everything my children need i need that all of their struggles are my struggles i used this illustration earlier today your your teenager comes to you on a thursday night and says i have a science project due tomorrow you know that science project was assigned six years ago so going where you don't want to go you say what do you need the child says well i they start easy they say i i need some poster board well you got enough cardboard and duct tape around the house you're not too upset at that point you say what else do you need they say i need some markers well we've earned learned very early in our parenting to always buy water-based markers you know why because when they dry out you can cut the blunt end off of those you can pour more water down there you can get more ink out of there i'm a christian i believe in the principle of resurrection and then you say what else you need and this teenager mumbles 12 baby chickens [Applause] you can't believe it you can feel the emotional temperature changing inside of you and you say well then go upstairs and lay them and then you go off you say in my day i would have never thought of coming to my parents the night before a science project and telling that i need 12 baby chickens well in my day we didn't even have science projects i made them up myself i was such a noble student and i sat on those eggs myself now what do you think your child is doing at that point saying this is a wise patient and loving person i should listen to the wisdom of this human being now what's wrong with that encounter what is that encounter pushed by shocking self-righteousness what is the issue in that moment how has that child gotten himself into that situation can you tell me in one word procrastination now you actually willing to say there is no procrastination anywhere in your life anybody have a garage you can't drive into anymore it's now bulging it may explode and take out the whole neighborhood you keep telling yourself you're going to clean it up but you never do anybody do your taxes the night of you know the post office that stays open till midnight you know all the other procrastinators it's like a fan reunion every year this year you're going to bring the brownies you see if you approach that conversation from the position of a rival from the position of one who doesn't need grace in fact you're telling the story says you didn't even need grace when you were a teenager you were so noble and righteous there's no way you're going to be a tool of grace in that child's life at that moment there's no way you're going to capture that god-given moment of grace in fact you will be irritated that you have to do it listen if you're not naming your own need you will have moments when you're ripping angry that you actually have children in your house who need parenting and you say things i can't believe it i can't believe that you would wait to the night before i can't believe you telling me this now why not you have the same stuff in other areas in your life you just don't happen to be doing science projects those are places where the same issue is in your life how about standing next to that young man and saying i know exactly how you've gotten yourself in this mess because i'm like you i tend to prioritize what i find comfortable i tend to put off what i find uncomfortable and i do that tell i've gotten myself in trouble but there's hope for you and me and there's help for you and me because god sent his son not only to forgive us but to rescue us from us and empower us to do what we could not do apart from him how about reaching out for that help tonight no i'm not going to take you to the all-night chicken farm i'm not going to write that magic note to your teacher but i love you and your struggles in life are my struggles in life how could i turn my back on you when i need every grace that you need i love you who wouldn't want that person as their father you see where does that where does that conversation what causes it to be healthy is the humble confession of that parent of his or her own need for rescuing grace it really is true that good godly parenting begins with confession heartfelt repeated confession that like my children i need to be rescued from me that confronts you with this reality god hasn't chosen for you to be a parent because you're able he chose you to be a parent because he's able moses wasn't able to lead israel out of the promise out of egypt into the promised land david wasn't able to defeat goliath the disciples weren't able to carry the gospel along around the world god chose people who were unable who were desperately needy weak and broken because he's that glorious and that powerful and that generous in his grace it's when i'm willing to confess the depth of my need that i become a tool of god's grace let me give you four things that will happen if you don't carry that confession with you as a parent all the time here's the first one you will turn god-given moments of ministry into moments of anger you will turn god-given moments of ministry into moments of anger here's how it works if your eyes ever see and your ears ever hear the sin weakness and failure of your children it's never an accident it's never an interruption it's never a hassle it's always grace god loves those children he's put him in a family of faith and he will reveal their need to you so you can be a tool of his rescuing mercy do you hear what i said and he won't ask when you have an available moment in your schedule if your eyes ever see and your ears ever hear the sin weeks as a failure for children it's never an accident it's never a hassle it's never interruption it's always grace god loves those children by magnificent grace he has chosen to put him a family of faith and he will again and again and again reveal their need to you so you can be a tool of his rescue and redemption it's grace what a gorgeous plan now it's tuesday night and the children you put to bed it's now 10 30 you put them to bed at nine o'clock they're now fighting in their beds an hour and a half later and you march down the hallway feet heavy on the floorboards you're probably not saying thank you god for this wonderful moment to represent your grace and the life of my children how much i love redemption even at this late hour that's probably not what you're saying you're probably saying they're dead they're dead and you burst into the room do you say do you know what my day's been like like do you have a clue what i do i do and do for you and this is the thanks i get i don't need a mansion or a rolls-royce just children who are from earth i bought every shred of clothes i put on that back of yours i bought every morsel of food you put in that big mouth of yours i made your christmases happy now again do you think your children are saying my this is helpful this is a wise human being i think i'm seeing my heart no your child is thinking this person's a lunatic i mean think about this parents this this is heartbreaking to think about have you ever had a moment where a person got up into your face with flashing eyes and bulging veins and red skin pointed finger inflammatory words and as it was happening you said to yourself i'm so thankful this is happening never why would you think that that would be an effective strategy with your children now let's visit this at 10 30 at night why are you angry i would propose to you that you're not angry at that moment because your children have broken god's law because that would be the righteous anger that would be righteous anger would be the anger of uh proper patient confrontation the anger of wisdom the anger of instruction the anger of correction the anger of grace no no no that's not why you're angry you're angry because your children have broken your law and in your system of law there shall be no parenting after ten o'clock i understand why you laugh because i tell these stories in a humorous way perhaps it's not funny you see there's a wonderful god-given moment i'm hearing the rebellion of my children because god wants me to hear it because god has chosen to place his love on my children and he wants this person who is near who has been chosen to be his representative to walk down the hallway and to capture this beautiful moment in the lives of these children a moment of ministry turned into a moment of anger second you will do that because you personalize what is not personal you make it all about you when i go in and i say do you know what my day's been like do you know what i do for you i'm making this whole thing horizontal listen it's not horizontal it's vertical this is something terribly broken vertically between these children and god that's being played out in a horizontal situation does that make sense it's not about you your children probably haven't gotten together and say about 7 30 they said let's do it tonight let's fake sleep and about 10 30 let's fake fighting it will drive her crazy it's probably not what's going on what's going on is you are parenting self-appointed self-sovereigns who want to rule themselves who live for their own pleasure who have no ability to stay inside of god's boundaries apart from dramatic rescuing transforming grace your parenting people like you this is not about you moments of ministry turn into moments of anger because you personalize what is not personal and so you're adversarial in your response by the time you get to the room it's not you for your children it's you against your children because they are in the way of something that you want and so so rather than wisdom coming out of your parents you you know these moments rage comes out of you you're angry you're at the edge of losing control listen christian parents haul off and slap their children they do they yank them down a hallway they shove them into a chair they push them around physically none of that is proper biblical discipline that's acts of violence against the body of your children because you have personalized this stuff and they're now your adversaries instead of your objects of love brothers and sisters i i have to say this as we talk about the abuse that god goes on out there i think there's a whole lot of parental abuse going on in the house of god you slap your child when they're mouthing off to you that's not proper restrained godly parental discipline that's an act of rage meted out against the body of your child if you grab a child by the arm and yank them down the hallway you're out of control and you don't see at that moment an object of love you see an adversary to something that you want and you're striking back if you say ugly condemning words that a child should never hear that's adversarial stuff when what has really gone on is the lord of glory in his sovereignty has lovingly set up a moment where the hearts of your children are being revealed because he loves those children the blood of his son was shed for people like these children and he's given you a moment to do something that is magnificent and eternal to help their eyes be open to their need for grace but i don't see it that way i don't feel it that way moment of ministry turn into a moment of anger because i personalize well this is not personal and i'm adversarial in my response here's response and here's the fourth thing so i settle for quick situational solutions that don't get at the heart of the matter i settle for quick situational solutions that don't get at the heart of the matter i bark a critique i announce a punishment and i walk away and my children are utterly utterly unchanged in that moment there's been no insight of heart there's been no confession there's no even a seed of a desire to live a different way there's absolutely no change listen what i've done in that room sadly is neither christian nor parenting my children haven't been parented now that confronts us with the grandeur of what we've been called to if you're a parent you have been given ambassadorial calling an ambassadorial calling it means everything you do is representative that your calling is is to represent the message and the methods and the character of the king again and again and again i would ask you to consider that there are really only two models of parenting there's ownership parenting and ambassadorial parenting the owner parent basically says these children belong to me and it is my my right and responsibility to get from those children what i want from them and to produce in them what i want in them that is contrasted with ambassadorial children that say these children do not belong to me they belong to the lord and and my calling hear this is to make the invisible presence the invisible grace the invisible power authority of god visible in the lives of my children parents look at me being ambassador means you're the look on god's face you're the tone of his voice you're the touch of his hand god is so beautifully gracious and condescending of his love that he makes his presence he makes his authority he makes his love he makes his faithfulness visible for children through the vehicle of the parents that he has given them isn't that beautiful so it's not some weird distant theory it's it's it's meant to live in in front of me now now who would say yeah i can do that oh let's take the example of authority you know that that one of the most significant heart issues for a child is the issue of authority right it's it's it's very important that very early in your child's life they realize that they were born into a world of authority and they're not it and you probably know this but i'll remind you of this that every child brought into the world believes two lies let me give you the lies the first is the lie of autonomy autonomy says i'm an independent human being and i have the right to live my life any way i want to live it autonomy says i am able and it's my right to rule myself parents those those uh fights about what to eat are not about diet your three-year-old child has not signed up for a monthly delivery from nutrasystem this child knows nothing about diet they would eat nails they know nothing listen that argument is not about diet it's about authority it's just child rearing up and saying you will not tell me what to put in my mouth thank you try me my daughter for reasons we don't to this day understand had a negative reaction to little green orbs called peas she had never tasted pee in her life but she determined that little round green thing will never go in my mouth she would put your teeth together like a hydraulic vice now if you interpret that as being about you you forget your unbachel calling that this is not first rebellion against you it's rebellion against god it's it's buying into the disaster of self-rule self-rule will destroy your life because we weren't created for independence we were created for dependence even adam and eve perfect people in a perfect world with perfect relationship with god was still dependent on god the first thing god did upon creating them was talk to them was parent them if you would because they didn't have a clue what life was about just as a side the growth of christian maturity is not a growth from dependence to independence the growth of christian maturity is to grow from independence to dependence this child is is in a spiritual war they're lost they're believing lies it's not about you and they're believing that they've been they have capabilities they don't have they're believing that self-rule is okay that it's safe they've announced themselves capabilities that they don't have it's a moral spiritual disaster don't look at that child as being mean to you look at him as lost they're lost they're lost they're lost they don't have a clue what they're doing if you would ask the child why don't you eat your peas they wouldn't say to you well i'm a self-appointed self-sovereign who wants to rule my own world you should expect worse from me because they don't have a clue what they're doing your children don't know why they're doing the things they're doing that's why they need the expo explanatory message of the gospel so they begin to understand why do i why do i get mad when my parents ask me to do something why do i fight with them when i know they're right why do i resist doing my responsibilities your children don't know themselves and because they don't know themselves they don't know their need of a savior don't get mad at that moment autonomy is a horrible lie what about the second lie the lie of self-sufficiency self-sufficiency says i have everything i need in myself to be what i'm supposed to be and to do what i'm supposed to do let me say that again i have i have everything i need in myself to be what i'm supposed to be and to do what i'm supposed to do it's just not true and it'll never be true there will never be a moment in this child's life where he'll be self-sufficient never and so little jimmy has noticed that his shoes have laces and that they get tied into a bow and he decides he wants to tie a shoe he has no understanding whatsoever of the technology of a bow none and so he begins to fumble with his laces some of you have seen this and you reach down to help him or does he do he slaps away your hand because he wants to believe that he's self-sufficient parents that's not about you yes your hand has been pushed away but that's that's this a child who's lost who preaches to himself lies and he's done it since birth don't get mad at that moment a child needs help because being what you're meant to be and doing what you're meant to do always requires surrender to authority greater than yourself and no that you can't produce that surrender in your child you have no ability to produce in him or her a surrendering heart only jesus can do that but you're called to be his tool and and you don't want to at that moment reduce this moment down to rules and offenses and punishments and i use these examples all the time uh let's just let's just say that there are children in a room and they're fighting over a toy and a parental person walks in the room what's the quintessential question that's asked some of you have said it in your mumbling it's it's the gospel coalition workshop workshop mumbling it's a tradition uh the parent says who had it first now that's a wonderful standard it's trying to fix deep idolatries of heart with a rule prior possession absolves you of all responsibility to love and share by all means get it first see the problem with that is that's a doable human standard but it's it's grossly selfish uh sadly when our children are young i use that standard and one saturday morning uh i heard rattling noise downstairs we were parenting a little boy who if there was a crack in our parenting he could drive an 18-wheeler through it and i walked down the steps and our steps turned and there was a seat box in the notch of the steps and that's where we kept most of the kids toys and he had taken all the toys out this is a true story and he was sitting on the floor with his arms and legs around them i said justin what in the world are you doing and with a look of utter victory he said to me i had him all first today daddy there won't be any sharing for me today i beat the system no wonder when you parent that way at 16 or 17 your children have no interest in the gospel because you have set up a system to per to produce self-righteous little pharisees who think that they can keep the law and think that they're okay because you've told them that or or johnny's walking down the hallway and as sister susie gets in his sovereign way and he shoves her and she bumps her head against the wall you get the scene she begins to cry mom walks into the room and she says these words say you're sorry he's not so he says sorry she says say it like you mean it he doesn't so he says sorry she says well at least say some words to your sister look at she's crying he says i'm sorry there's nothing sorry about this boy let me finish and mom says jesus is so pleased when you say you're sorry jesus isn't pleased by anything that's happening in that moment now you got to look up here and when mom turns her back and walks away little johnny does this to his sister there's nothing that's good at that moment in the heart of that boy there's nothing that should be praised there's nothing that should be congratulated because this moment of grace has been become a moment of externalism of keepable laws you mumble something you don't mean and jesus is happy with you the message of the king has been lost the character of the king hasn't been depicted and the methods of the king have been forsaken i'm not following my ambassadorial calling let me say one final thing if you're going to be a tool of god's rescuing restoring grace you not only have to confess your need for that grace you not only have to understand the nature of your ambassadorial calling you have to get your identity right you have to preach to yourself again and again the gospel of your identity in christ because human beings made an image of god are always searching for identity we're searching for meaning and purpose we're searching for an inner sense of well-being we're searching for identity and there's only two places look you either look horizontally or you will look vertically and if you're a parent it's very tempting to place the burden of your identity on your children if you have placed the burden of identity on your children you're all too focused on momentary success you're all too focused on reputation how your children are depicting your reputation to others you're all too focused on control you're way more focused on doing than you're focused on being because you're asking your children to give you something that they were never intended to give you your children are not on earth to make you feel good about yourself your children are not on earth to make you happy your children are not on earth to give you reason to get up in the morning they're not on earth to make other people respect you they're not on earth to be your personal savior there is a savior a horrible burden to lay on children and know this parents there's a level of insanity to that your children don't get up in the morning and say how today can i give my mom meaning and purpose what can i do today to give this dear lady self-worth no children no child asked that question and very often the irritation and the patience that we feel is rooted in the fact that we've asked these children to do for us what only the savior is able to do i was on one of my seemingly rare weekend's home and i was actually sitting down in the family room to watch saturday afternoon college football something i never get to see as i sat down with my favorite soft drink and my favorite snack i was saying to myself there must be a god and maybe in fact he does love me and out of the bathroom at that moment came my then 16 year old son and he had outrageous fluorescent green hair no you don't yet know what i'm talking about it wasn't it wasn't those kinds of temporary dyes that are popular today uh what he had done is he had used a product that stripped his hair of all color uh so that his hair had the translucency of the like the hair of a polar bear and then he affixed this dye to it you think that the name of the dye would have been a clue it was called manic panic and the the uh result was his head looked like it was covered in shredded saran wrap green translucent weird-looking plastic it's hard to describe it he stood before me like this and said well what do you think i'm thinking get the ornaments christmas tree boy he looked like one of those cheap plastic christmas trees i thought if you decorate him with some lights and he'd stand in the corner he wouldn't look so bad and then it hit me that the reason i was home that weekend was i was the final speaker at a marriage and family emphasis weekend at a prominent church in our reason and our region and they were so excited that my whole family could come with me and i'm thinking we're going to walk in the church louella my wife uh ethan nicole and darnay and christmas tree boy [Applause] now in that moment you will know where you're getting your identity he woke up sunday morning and had this oh god what have i done moment and proceeded to shave his head completely only to discover his scalp was green even the tips of his ears and he wore a hat for two months you see why this stuff will get under your skin if you're asking that child to be what he'll never be and to deliver to you what he'll never deliver see why put manic panic on my head because foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child you see it's when you're resting in your identity in christ when you believe that he has already delivered for you everything you need for life and godliness that hear what i'm about to say you don't get in human relationships you don't get your capacity to love from the person that you've been called to love did you hear what i said you don't get your capacity to love from the person that you've been called to love you've been given everything you need in the person work the life death death and resurrection of jesus to be where you're supposed to be and to do what you're supposed to do in the life of that child you will not get what you need from that child he'll never be able to deliver that from you i sat with a mom who was fully living her identity from your her child he was 15 years old he was breaking under the load the day would start out with three hours of violin uh practice seriously a school day and then uh college preparatory classes after school and then home for a couple hours of homework he had no life no free time he began just to crumble and i said to the mother maybe you're asking something from this child that he cannot deliver because you need something from him you should not need she stood up and she said i didn't come to be counseled by you i came for you to counsel my son she walked out and never came back sad you see it really is true that good gospel forgiving rescuing transforming parenting begins with your confession of how counter-intuitive this whole process is and a plea for the rescuing grace of jesus because no one gives grace better than a parent who is deeply persuaded they needed themselves i'm mad because i have named myself more righteous than you i'm mad because i've personalized your lostness i'm mad because i'm asking of you things i should not ask and in all that impatience and all that irritation i've forgotten who i am i've forgotten who jesus is and i've forgotten the glorious promises of his grace what we need as parents is not another christian book with 17 strategies what we need as parents is to believe the gospel in such a way that it re-forms our parenting that's why i've given myself to this new material oh i love to say more to you but i would ask you this question if i would watch six weeks of your parenting would i walk away watching the video would i walk away and say this is parenting that's driven by the humility and the expectancy of the gospel of jesus christ or what i say this this parent seems to love the gospel but this system of parenting is alien to the gospel it's driven by something else may we believe that the confrontation and the comforts of the gospel of jesus christ is the best model ever for parenting let's pray lord thank you for the comforting encouraging rescuing message of the gospel we would confess that it's only when we're willing to embrace the bad news of the gospel that the good news of the gospel excites us help us not to forget that we are more like our children than unlike them help us to not forget that we have no ability to produce in the hearts of our children what they need none help us not to forget that we have been placed not as the owners of our children but as ambassadors of you and help us to rest in the sufficiency and the glory of our identity in christ so we're freed from asking our children to be for us and to give to us what they will never give and thank you that we do not have to as we look at our weakness and our failure wallow in shame hide in guilt because on the cross you took every ounce of our punishment and every piece of our rejection so we can run into your presence and find mercy and grace form fit for our moment of need oh may your gospel revolutionize revive and reform our parenting we would pray in jesus name amen god bless [Applause]

Channel: The Gospel Coalition

Views: 13,625

Rating: 4.8987341 out of 5

Keywords: the gospel coalition, the gospel, gospel, coalition, pastors, pastor, ministry, Christ, Christian, Christianity, church, churches, faith, bible, biblical, teaching, parenting, parents, gospel ministry, TGC, Paul Tripp, TGC17

Id: 3FwbLGjCelM

Length: 61min 32sec (3692 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 04 2020