Parenting Session 2

well I want to take a moment just to talk about some resources that you can take with you to extend this time I know these these weekend conferences are like fire hoses where things come so so fast I mean you can be sitting on a Friday night say this is really helpful and Tuesday morning you don't remember it and I don't do this because this makes me rich but because I really would love to see the things that we're talking about get up inside of you and really begin to offer you the help that only the gospel can give so on our suggest some materials those of you who are in the room you can get these at the book table those of you who are watching it on the live stream you can go to Paul trip comm and get these resources I used to throw things out into the crowd and I was in Washington DC I was speaking to about 1,600 people there and I whipped DVD out into the crowd it hit the one man that wasn't looking in the face right next to his nose cut him open he had to get stitches we gave him everything on the table and so we we we created these frisbees now it's case you wondered it's not actually a mustache it's a mutation I have three of them on my back my mom had one right here it was very sad your sister it's the same mom shave we're going out to eat I have more of these but I'll stop so these frisbees are our foam you don't have to duck they will not hurt you and it's got the back the name of a resource on the back if you catch the frisbee you can go to the table and that resource will be free if you catch the frisbee and you're watching livestream it's one of the proofs of the existence of God because a miracle has just happened this book is called instruments in the Redeemers hands people in need of change helping people in need of change it's about the world of personal ministry sometimes we think we step out of our lives into ministry and back out of ministry into our lives well if if you're God's child your life is ministry parenting is ministry marriages ministry being a neighbor is ministry being a citizen is ministry the workplaces ministry and and what does it look like to be part of what God is doing in the life of somebody else this can be a tremendously helpful book for all of those personal dimensions in your life there goes so exciting yay [Applause] this book is called age of opportunity a biblical guide to parenting teens this is written specifically for that period of time to help you to understand what goals you should have and how you should have conversations very important and in fact the material even ranges wider than that but it's it's written for those teen years I I wrote this book of it because I was saddened by the way that people talk about parenting teens you know someone would be holding a little baby and you're you're just so excited about this little child and they say you just wait somebody said if you add the word teenage to any of the word the second word becomes negative I want to try it teenage driver did it work so we need a whole kind a whole different view of these years and that's what this book is about this is a very this is a very passive group I don't think this this group understands the concept of free it's just the frisbee flies by and goes Wow although I do believe this I believe in the sovereignty of God he'll gets it needs it well this material you're hearing is from this book parenting 14 gospel principles that can radically change your family there's no way in the context of this weekend that we can cover all of that material and so I highly recommend you grab this book I'm we're going to be able just to cover a few things that are in the book but there's a very comprehensive handling of how the gospel speaks in your parenting and just gives you a whole new agenda parenting 14 gospel principles that it can radically change your family boom right in the dark they're exciting well I was on one of my rare weekends home until the last couple years I traveled almost every weekend and so Saturday afternoon my mind immediately went to American College football I didn't get to watch that very often and I was I was so excited I got my favorite soft drink and some snacks and I was settling in to have an afternoon to myself when out of the bathroom that was next to the family room came my then 16 year old son and he had the most outrageous color of green hair I've ever seen now you don't know yet know what I'm talking about he had used a dye on his hair or a thing on his hair first that stripped his hair of all color it's the first thing he did so his hair was translucent it looked like the here of a polar bear and then he had a fixed ad I not the kind of temporary dies we have nowadays this die was called manic panic do you think that would have been a clue and the effect of this green dye with having stripped his hair of all color was that his head looked like shredded green saran wrap you know like one of those cheap Christmas trees and he stood in front of me and said what do you think I'm thinking get the ornaments Christmas tree boy just looked like something that need to be decorated and it wasn't long before the thought hit me that the next day the reason I was home that weekend is I was the last speaker at a marriage and family conference emphasis and they were excited that it was in the city that I live in and my whole family could come and I'm thinking it will be Louella and my other three children and Christmas tree boy well that Sunday morning he woke up looked in the mirror and had a oh god what have I done moment and proceeded to shave his head only to discover it is true his scalp was green even the tips of his ears were green I read the directions on that jar cuz I asked him if I could see it and he were supposed to put vaseline you know around so well he thought that was why don't we need to do that well he he wore a hat for a couple months until his head turned the normal color now when you're dealing with that kind of thing you better know who you are and you better know what you're called to you better understand that that moment is not about you your teenage son didn't wake up in the morning and say if I dye my hair green I'll Drive my dad crazy and that will be the coolest thing ever it's not what's happened and if you make it about that you totally miss the opportunity that God has given you listen I was home that weekend and he came out of the bathroom that weekend because God loves my boy because of the moment of grace and he wants me to represent something that needs to happen in the life of that child that's the model and what I want to say this because this is going to be introduced what we're going to talk about next if you're going to be to give grace in that moment if you're gonna be an ambassador in that moment parents here I'm about to say you don't so much need to be rescued from your child you need to be rescued from you because what God calls us to in that moment is just not natural for us in fact I am deeply persuaded in those unexpected moments when you are parenting your children are you listening to me the wise Heavenly Father is parenting everybody in the room those moments are not just because God would use you to form something in your children he's using your children to form something in you because what he's called me to is just not natural for me I don't so much need to be rescued from the in maturity and lostness and pushback and rebellion of my children I need the wise Heavenly Father to rescue me from me because it's only as he rescues Me from me that I will ever be what he wants me to be in the lives of those children the parents how about getting up in the morning and praying these three prayers first prayer God I'm a parent in desperate need of help today I need help how about starting a day with that confession how about a second prayer I pray that you'd send your helpers my way maybe that's a passage of Scripture maybe that's a Christian song maybe that's a reminder of something somehow way maybe that's a conversational person please send your helpers my way third prayer an O Lord won't you please give me the humility to receive the help when it comes I need to be rescued from me now as I've traveled around I've talked with parents I've had hundreds of conversations with parents almost on every continent on earth I have met so many discouraged parents so many frustrated parents so many people who have some somehow someway to me say I don't know what I'm doing so many parents who are discouraged and I think again the gospel explains that discouragement you you you you sort of instinctively know that this little one that's in your care needs to grow they need to mature they need to change right every child needs to grow every child needs to mature every child needs to change and you know that it's your job to stimulate that growth to stimulate that change to stimulate that maturity stay with me and so you reach for a tool you'll always reach for a tool that you will use to create that growth that change that maturity and if you reach for a tool that wasn't meant to do what you're asking it to do it won't work you won't see that change you won't see that growth you won't see that maturity and the more you exercise that tool the more frustrating it'll be the more discouraging it will be the more hopeless you will become I think often we we approach parenting like as if were a builder and we're trying to build a house by only using a hammer a hammer is a wonderful tool in its place it does wonderful things but you cannot build a house with just a hammer you would not want to live in a house that was built with only a hammer and I think that we've reduced parenting down to a tool that is inadequate to do what we're asking it to do let me say this way in parenting it never ever works to ask the law to do what only grace can accomplish let me say that again and then I'm gonna spend the rest of our time explaining that in parenting it never works with a three-year-old or a 16 year old to ask the law to do what only grace can accomplish and I think there are hundreds of thousands of well-intentioned well-meaning good loving parents who are doing exactly that and they don't know it the gospel that they sing on Sunday morning the Gospels they throw back there heads and throw up their hands and celebrate on Sunday morning they forsake on Monday morning in their parenting and they don't even know it and they reach for a tool that just doesn't have the power to do what they're asking to do the law does not have the power to do what you're asking it to do as a parent it does it won't create that growth it won't create that change it won't create that maturity it won't it won't it won't it won't you say Paul I I don't understand well let me give you some examples some children are in a room young children and they're fighting over a toy got the picture and an adult walks into the room what's the first question the adult instinctively asked who had it first now there's a wonderful standard think about the standard what you've done is you've attached a rule this time a bad rule to the moment and what what the rule says is prior possession absolves you of all responsibility to love share and care I mean you don't want to be married to somebody who has to have everything first would you doesn't work sadly when we were young parents we we use that standard and one Saturday morning I heard noise downstairs and the house where were living at the stairs coming from the upstairs would come down and they turned and in that notch was a seat box that would open and that's where we kept the kids toys as I came downstairs to see what the noise was very early in the morning my five-year-old son was sitting there with his arms and legs around the toys and I said what are you doing of course I said it very graciously I said what are you doing and he looked at me with with a look of utter victory and said I had them all first today daddy I beat the system there ain't gonna be any sharing for me yeah now you walk into the room there's a there's a deep problem inside of those children they are self oriented little human beings they don't care about the needs or wants or desires of the person next to them they surely don't love their neighbor as themselves that's dysfunctional humanity you wouldn't want them as your neighbor or your friend or your spouse but you walk in you apply a rule and you walk away and those children are absolutely unmoved unchanged five minutes from now they will fight over another toy because the tool you've asked to help you doesn't have the power to do what you wanted to do or Johnny is walking down the hallway he's five or six and little Susie his younger sister happens to get in his sovereign way and he shoves her she falls against the wall and bumps her heads and begins to cry mom comes in the room and she says say you're sorry he's not so he says sorry Jesus say it like you mean it he doesn't so he says sorry you say the poor girls crying can't just say a bunch of words to her can't just say like a sentence to her he says I'm sorry there's nothing sorry about that boy let me finish and then the mom says Jesus is so happy when you say you're sorry Jesus isn't happy about anything that's going on in that moment and now you got to watch this you'll laugh but it's actually sad mom turns away now use the tool that hasn't been effective actually naming is it as effective when it's not and when she turns her back Johnny does this to his sister sticks out his tongue there's nothing loving there's nothing kind there's no grief inside of that boy nothing has happened I was counseling a father and a son while the father actually wanted me just to counsel the son he was 15 years old and this was a boy who was in love with the world everything about it and he he hated the fact that he was in a family of faith because he felt that that would restrict him from the world listen their parents there are a lot of middle schoolers and teenagers who are beginning to bleed in our homes who are beginning to believe they're disadvantaged because they're in a family of faith because it'll keep them from stuff they wanna they want to pursue sad and so he was he was making all kinds of bad and dangerous choices so as his father thought that the best way to deal with it was to lock him in his room every night at nine o'clock it's law now if you think that boy sat on the other side of the door and said I'm so thankful for my father who imprisons me every night I'm so glad he's my dad I feel so bad for those children whose fathers aren't jailers I don't think that was what going on in fact I know what was going on he was looking at that door with rage inside of him and he realized that it would be possible if he got the requisite tools to take apart the frame and get the jamb of that door and get himself out of that that room so over a couple days he collected tools and he disassembled the door took off the pins got himself out but he wasn't done he went around the house in the middle of the night and took every handle and every lock after every door in the house even is amazing to me the handle on the door of the bedroom there's parents were sleeping it very quietly he put him in a box put a plastic bag around the box went to the garage got a shovel went down to the empty lot down the street dug a hole and buried the box now did that boy need rules and regulations sure he did but it was not enough those rules did not have the power to do what he was asking them to do you cannot ask the law to do what only grace can accomplish you see you need to reach for a tool as a parent that has the power to rescue and transform the heart of your child so that the that heart becomes submissive to the authority that God has placed in that child's life so that heart becomes hungry for the help that only God can give and any tool that does not have that power will only leave you frustrated discouraged and ultimately hopeless you cannot ask the law to do what only grace can accomplish now here's the problem that I face again again as I talk about what we're now talking about and maybe some of you have already felt this as you've heard me talk when I say that your parenting needs to be infused and driven by grace here's what parents hear they hear permissive parenting listen grace never calls wrong right if wrong were right there would be no need for grace the Assumption of grace is that wrong is wrong grace never calls wrong right being permissive close your eyes to wrong is not gracious gospel god-honoring parenting your children don't need you to relax they don't need you to be a pushover that's not being loving that's not being gracious grace doesn't ignore wrong grace is a way of dealing with wrong and you need to understand that way now maybe you you're you're listening you're thinking well Paul are you saying just ignore the law and pursue God's grace well that's not what I'm saying and so I want to lead you through some steps here's the first thing I want to say your children desperately need God's law they need more than your opinion they need more than your cultural instincts they need God's law and the first reason they need God's law is God's law is a wonderful guide for our living we would have no idea what is right and wrong we would have no idea how to live we would have no idea how to conduct relationships we would have no idea what to do with our thoughts we would have no idea how to approach our sexuality we would have no idea - how to approach our finances we'd have no idea what our lives are meant to be apart from God's law your children need God's law they need God's law every day in your life in their life because we're not born with an innate understanding how it is we're supposed to live when the law was first given you remember the children of Israel had been delivered from captivity in Egypt and immediately after delivering them from captivity on Mount Sinai God gave them the law his law why because they had no idea how to live giving your children God's law is gracing them with God's wisdom the children need God's law they need to understand how it is that they were created to live and that they didn't have a vote second the law does a extremely efficient job of exposing sin the law is what God uses to help us to understand that there's something inside of us that's dramatically broken in fact I love I love the word pictures it's in scripture that God's Word is like a mirror think about that picture what does a mirror do the mirror shows you you as you actually are you wake up in the morning and you stumble to the bathroom to take your first look into the mirror to see the damage that the night has done suppressing your screams now you instinctively know that that mirror is accurate and that it's showing you as you actually are you don't say to your mirror you've been hanging in my bathroom all these years and this is the way you're gonna treat me you don't say that if you're saying and the minute you receive the message of that mirror you you get out instruments of human repair to put yourself back into the condition you would like to be in so that you are able to make your public appearance now parents listen very carefully your children come into the world with a problem it's that they don't see themselves with accuracy and the reason they don't see themselves with accuracy is because sin blinds and guess what blinds first I have no trouble seeing the sin of my wife and children but I can be surprised on - pointed out on so your children will live with a distorted perspective that they're okay and they don't need your wisdom and they don't in your instruction they don't need your guidance that they're actually all right and so what the law does is a law begins to expose to them that there's something inside of him that's broken here's a way I like to think about it is that is that no matter how well you act toward your children if they don't transact with God they're not gonna be okay your job is not to make your children feel good about themselves I've heard people say the last thing you ever want is for a child to feel bad about themselves baloney there are something broken inside of that child you want your child to begin to be grieved that something is broken that they do not have the thoughts desires the instincts the motivations that you just would have the law is a wonderful mirror that your children need in their lives so they see themselves with a Curry's accuracy because here's what is necessary you cannot grieve what you don't see and you can't confess what you haven't grieved and you can't seek help for what you haven't confessed let me say that again you can't grieve be upset about what you don't see and you can't confess what you haven't grieved and you surely can't seek help for what you haven't confessed there's a real way in which a significant part of your parenting is to be an instrument of seeing in the life of your children help them so they they become to see themselves with accuracy and they become to own the brokenness inside of them own the rebellion own their selfishness own their anger own their jealousy own all of those things inside of them so that they begin to reach out for help that's parenting it's not just announcing law your children need God's law because the guide for life your children need God's law because it exposes their true heart and can build in them a sense of need but you need to understand the laws weakness the law has no ability whatsoever to rescue or transform the hearts of your children let me say it this way if all your children needed were a set of rules properly enforced Jesus would have never had to come the person and work of Jesus his entrance into this world his life death and resurrection argues that parenting cannot be reduced to an effective set of rules and an effective set of enforcement's but I would propose to you the vast majority of Christian parents when you get to describe their parenting what they say is we're very careful that our kids follow our rules and we're very faithful to exercise our authority when they don't and is Authority important yes our rule is important yes but they're not enough because rules have no ability whatsoever to rescue or transform your children the change you want to see in your children will not happen because you've had the right set of rules and the right set of enforcement's you cannot reduce parenting down to that now you say well Paul what do i do then well let's let's think about what we've talked about this evening the first thing you do is you recognize that whenever you're seen thus in weakness and failure of your children you're being given an opportunity that's not a hassle that's an opportunity and it's an opportunity to be part of what God is intending to do in that child in that moment and so the question you want to be asking in every one of those encounters you want to get good at asking this question you want to have this question on your brain and in your heart here it is what is God seeking to do in this moment in the life of my child and how can I be part of it what is God seeking to do in the life of this child and how can I be part of it not what do I want from this child not what is this child done and what is he going to get but what is God wanting to do right here right now in this moment in the heart of my child and how can I be part of it now I'm gonna say a lot more about that tomorrow but I want to say this if you're gonna give grace in those moments instead of responding on anger responding irritation getting mad giving a lecture announce the punishment walking away if you're actually gonna be a tool of God's transforming grace in that moment you'll need grace because what will invariably be in the way of those moments being what God intends for them to be will be your heart it's true I can be so incredibly impatient I can be so irritable and I can look at those moments as more of a hassle than grace and I can forget that the greatest danger to my child is not outside of him the greatest danger is inside of him and it resides in his heart and I have no ability to change his heart all of the loud voice all of the accusatory words all of the enforcement of punishment as much as he needs the exercise authority in his life won't do the job let me say it this way if in those god-given moments where you are meant to ask the question what is God seeking to do in this moment in the life of this child and how can I be part of it what is he exposed in this child what can I ask what can I say what how can I be used of God to give insight when I'm asking what is God's he can do at this moment if I'm not confessing that that's counterintuitive for me that's not where my heart normally goes my heart ler goes I can't believe I got a deal with this again I can't believe we got a we can't go to the grocery store without my kids doing something stupid I can't believe they can't sit for two minutes with one another without fighting I can't believe the van becomes a war room I can't believe they're they're never satisfied they always want something else I can't believe they have two they fight me every time we sit down to eat I can't believe I have to deal with this stuff if you're not dealing with your heart and not seeking God's help let me tell you four things will happen excuse me first you will turn god-given moments of ministry into moments of anger when what God has actually done is given you a moment of ministry that moment for you will become a moment of anger second thing you will do that because you personalize what it's not personal you'll make it about you if it's that scene where it's 10:30 at night and the children are supposed to be in bed at 9:00 I don't think that at 7:30 they got together and said let's fake sleep and wait till 10:30 and then fight and watch mom melt yeah it's probably not about you moments of ministry turning the moments of anger cuz you personalize what is my personal third thing so your adversarial in your response your adversarial in your response it's not you for your children at that moment it's you against your children you're angry because you're enduring the way of something that you want and fourth you'll settle for quick situational solutions that don't get to the heart of the matter you'll bark an order you'll bark a punishment and you'll walk away and those children are completely unchanged maybe you're listening watching sitting this evening and you're thinking well Paul this has been a very encouraging evening well I do want to encourage you God will never ever call us to a task without enabling us to do it if he puts a red sea in front of us and he means for us to cross it he'll build a bridge he'll send a boat he'll give us the ability to swim or he'll part the waters he never sends you to something without going with you you do not have to load the welfare of your children on your shoulders because there's one who loves your children more than you ever could who cares for your children more than you ever would and who offers you help for all of those difficult moments and his promise to you is a promise of fresh starts and new beginnings you're not cursed to your failure you're not cursed to your weakness he forgives and restores and he empowers again maybe you're sitting here watching and you're thinking I've gotten this thing wrong it has been about me I often parent in anger and irritation of frustration I often do look at those moments of grace as a hassle and an eruption they frustrate me I have thought that if I just am a little stronger with the rules a little stronger with the enforcement I'll get the reaction I whine well you don't have to wallow in shame you don't have to hide in guilt because Jesus took every ounce of our rejection so we in our moment of failure in need and weakness and lostness we can run to him for help I don't know if you thought about this I love saying this the most painful moment for Jesus on the cross wasn't physical it was relational it was that moment when the father turned his back on the son and Jesus cries out in utter torment Eloi Eloi Lama sabachthani my God my God why have you forsaken me Jesus was willing to take every ounce of our rejection so that in our weakness and our failure we would never again see the back of God's head parents in your struggle your Lord never looks on you would disgust he never mocks your failure he never wonders if it's worth it to love you he moves toward you with patience and tenderness and mercy and grace and that frees us to admit our weakness face our failure and believe that by His grace we can do better you're his ambassadors God makes his invisible grace visible by sending parents of grace to give grace to children who need grace he sins makes his invisible authority visible by sending appearance of authority to represent his authority and the lives of children who need Authority it really is true that there is nothing more important in life than being God's tool for the forming of a human soul there is nothing more significant than being God's physical representative in the life of your children you are the look on his face you are the tone of his voice you are the touch of his hand and for that he meets you with His grace would you run toward that grace this evening would you be willing to embrace your failure and would you begin to ask the question what would it look like what would be different in my parenting if every day I reminded myself that my job is to be part of what God is seeking to do in these unexpected moments that I will be given as a parent it's not about me it's about him it's not about my power it's about his but because he alone has the power to do what needs to be done in the lives of my children may God help us if all your children needed were a set of rules properly enforced Jesus would have never had to come the gospel that we celebrate the gospel that we sang about together decimates that view of parenting we are agents of powerful transforming Grace and when you get ahold of that you have an entirely different agenda for how to deal with your children yes parents hear this your children need the law because the law is God's perfect guide for everyday life your children need the law because the law alone has the ability to expose the need inside of them but the law has no power whatsoever to create that growth and that change and that maturity that every parent longs to see in their children we're ambassadors of powerful transforming grace and that changes everything about parenting let's pray what it is really true that this is counterintuitive for us in fact for many of us it still is confusing to us what it means to function as that tool of grace in your hands to ask that question what are you seeking to expose what are you seeking to change what are you seeking to highlight in this moment what are you seeking to produce in a child in this moment and how is it that in this moment I cannot just announce a punishment I cannot just announce it wrong but I can be part of that transformational thing that you seek to do or so often we we do make these moments about us and with elevated emotion we react to things in a way that doesn't all accomplish what you wanted to accomplish in that moment but give us new eyes to see what you've called us to his parents and new hearts to embrace it and as we continue tomorrow to talk about these things give us practical insight and practical wisdom we would pray in Jesus name Amen

Channel: Archbold Evangelical Church

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Rating: 5 out of 5

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Id: dbUX-kY-b_M

Length: 53min 48sec (3228 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 02 2017