- [Interviewer] All right, my camera's on. My first question for you: Who are you? - I am Yasmin. I'm a 26-year-old student. So I was born and raised
in Lagos, Nigeria. I lived there for 16 years with my mom and my dad and
my two younger brothers. - [Interviewer] Do you feel comfortable sharing all of your diagnoses? - Yes, I do. - [Interviewer] What are they? - So I recently got diagnosed
a couple of months ago. My current diagnosis is complex post-traumatic stress disorder, general anxiety, depressive symptoms, and
disassociative tendencies. - I'm not as much of a talker as she is. - Yeah (laughs). - [Interviewer] Well, then I'll
ask you the first question. Tell me all about Carlos. - Carlos is an amazing, no, he's an amazing person. He is very kind. He's very smart. He's
very nerdy which I love. And he's really funny and
he truly does love me. And he's one of the first people that, I don't know, tried to
help me actually grow and challenge me and make
me be a better person. Do you want me to talk about
what I went through right now? - [Interviewer] If you
feel comfortable with it. - I was between the ages of 6 and 10. I don't really remember
correctly when it happened. I've just been able to guesstimate because it happened a year
after my brothers were born. We were five years apart. And it was before I switched
to a different school. So I'm able to like guesstimate that. And it happened due to
my brother's like nanny. They had male nannies
that would help my mom take care of my brothers. And me and my brother shared a room. So I stayed on one side and
my brother stayed on another. And when everyone would go to sleep, one of their nannies would
come back in the room, and they would, you know,
proceed to do things. And during those times, I
would pretend to be asleep. And that's kind of where
my disassociating started where I would just not be there. It almost felt like I was asleep. You know, like those moments
where like you're dreaming and you're like kind of awake. Or like the moments when you wake up and you remember your dream. That's kind of like what it felt like. That's what I remembered. And I don't even know how
many times it happened. I just know it was definitely
more than two or three times. And that will explain
the prolonged exposure. And yeah, it was rough because I didn't know what was happening. I completely did not understand. I didn't know what any of this was. I was still unfamiliar with
how even babies were made. Like I really was extremely
innocent as any child is. And all I knew was that it was just wrong and that this is something
that shouldn't be happening. But I didn't understand
the severity of it. And at the time I had a nanny as well, 'cause my parents were working
a lot and they weren't there. So people helped take care of us. And at some point, I think
I told her what happened because I really trusted her. She was one of the few people
that I learned to trust at that young of an age. And she told my mom, which
was the right thing to do. I'm so happy that she did that. But at the time, I was like distraught because I had trusted her with this and she told my mom about it. And when my mom found out about it, she kind of was like scared of how my dad was going to
react to when he found out. because she thought that he would, you know, get really
aggressive with this guy. And I don't know, I guess,
on how we would look. I'm not too sure exactly. I just remember the words like, "What are we gonna tell your father?" And I remember just being like, "Just don't tell him, it's fine. Like it's really not that big a deal." And obviously he no longer
worked for us anymore. But that type of mentality of like, "It's not a big deal; like it's fine. Like I'm totally okay with stuff," has just stayed throughout
like my entire life. And also the distrust of people and just opening up and telling
people what's happening, I feel like that also is
still prevalent in my life. - That was the first thing
that she revealed to me that was like, "Oh, like
something happened here and it's a big deal." I would've never guessed, you know? - [Interviewer] What did you
feel when she shared that? - Oh man, I felt, I mean,
I cried right there. I didn't, you know, I just
couldn't understand it. And I had not really met
anyone who experienced that. You know, really sad, upset that like she
had to go through that, and now like she's affected that way. - [Interviewer] What is complex PTSD and how does it affect you? - Let me get my phone. I wrote it down. Okay. All right. So complex PTSD is a
psychological disorder caused by exposure to a
series of traumatic events where the person felt that
they had little to no escape, and if the events and the
exposure was prolonged. - [Interviewer] How would
you describe Yasmin? - Oh, I mean, listen, Yasmin's one of the
most like upbeat, perky, like social butterfly types. Like she is very much like that. So like it is kind of weird to like think that she's even experiencing this. because if you're just
somebody who meets her, or even like a friend but not a friend that
you talk to every day, they would not ever think
anything along those lines, just 'cause she's a ball of energy. That's what she is. - For a long time I just believe that I was not like a trauma survivor. Like I truly felt that I just didn't, like it just didn't affect me. Like I was a very social person. I was very happy. I think a lot of people that meet me, that would describe me, they would say she's a
happy, cheerful person. And I am, you know, and I think those are
true aspects about me. But, you know, just because I'm happy and I'm not like reliving
that trauma every single day doesn't mean that it didn't affect me. And because I dissociated,
like that's why it didn't. You know, now I know that, and now I know that I
just was ignoring it. I just was choosing not to think about it. I was choosing not to dwell on how much like shame that it was bringing on me and it was bringing on my family. And how like, you know, just even how like it was
dealt with by the adults, you know, like just everything. I just never sat down
and thought about it. I just didn't. I'm not too sure. I feel like I'm not
deserving of my own story. I feel like even other like trauma survivor stories feel more valid than mine. Even though I know, like, I know mine is, it still doesn't feel that
way because of the fact that I was able to live, I guess. Like because I was happy,
because I was social, because I was able to
disconnect from that, it feels like it's not real. Like it feels like it didn't happen and those effects didn't happen to me. - [Interviewer] Would you say your trauma has impacted you in a severe way though? - Yes. - [Interviewer] What did you think when Yasmin was first
diagnosed with CPTSD? - Honestly, I wasn't very
familiar with, I knew PTSD. I did not know see CPTSD, that C. I guess when I heard about it and I heard about the
symptoms, it made sense. She always was very, you know, silent, and she would explain to me
that she would catastrophize, just like, you know, feel like nothing has any hope of getting done. - I get into that type of mode where like the anxiety
just gets so overwhelming that I just wanna quit it all. You know, I just wanna stop. Like I just don't wanna
have all these thoughts and all these things, and it's like- - [Interviewer] So you catastrophized? - Yeah, and then I'm just like, you know, like with my partner I'll be like, you know, if we're having
like a disagreement about something that I might have done, I'd be like, "You know what? Like I'm wasting his time. Like why am I with him?" Like he could be with someone that doesn't like deal with all this stuff and is responsible and
is able to, you know, get everything together
and doesn't always mess up. And I should just like, you know, leave. Like, you know, I'm wasting his time. - [Interviewer] What's the
most important thing to do when you're in a
relationship with a person who has CPTSD and you
want it to be successful? - You have to be an
extremely good listener. You have to fight the feeling of wanting to fix
everything, and just listen. - [Interviewer] Was that
hard for you at first? - Extremely. Like almost impossible. - [Interviewer] You said that
after experiencing the SA, for the longest time, you just thought it couldn't impact you. - Mm-hmm. - [Interviewer] Why did you realize that it was having an effect on you? - When I was 16, I
believed that I was a robot because I just found it so difficult to experience anger and sadness. I remember that I would
feel angry about something to the point that I was like crying. And then as soon as I
thought about what would, like as soon as I thought
about "I'm feeling angry" and about my emotions, it's like it just went away
and it would just dissipate. And I knew that that wasn't normal. And I think that's when I started thinking like something just isn't right about me. - [Interviewer] Another symptom for CPTSD is feeling as if you
are completely different to other people. - Yes, that's something my
psychologist told me where, and I'm sure maybe some
people can relate to this, where you feel like because
something happened to you and that thing didn't
happen to somebody else, you feel like something's wrong with you and that's why it happened. And I just was so surface level. Like almost like I would just go to school and just think about school. And this is like when I'm young. So like this is before even being able to really critically think. Like I would just like live. It was like I was living
in a daydream, you know. Like it felt like I was
like in a waiting room. I remember when we first started dating. Five months in we were
walking down the street and he like stopped me and he's like, "You know, you don't trust me at all." And I was like, "What do you mean? I do. If I didn't, like I wouldn't be with you." And he's like, "No, you don't. You really don't trust me for anything." And it was like a whole awakening. I remember I wrote down on my phone, like, "The day I became a woman," or "The day I grew up,"
or something like that. And it was some something
like dramatic like that. But it was just like, I remember like I really
had all these pre-notions of like, "I don't think anyone's ever gonna really love me for who I am. And I don't trust anyone too." And here he was showing that he did. And it's been three years, and I think he still
does, you know, I hope so. I love my life, but then I'm still feeling that terribleness, you
know, that darkness. And it's happening at the same time. And I have to sit there
experiencing both of them. And it's just like, you know, you think you could just
pick one but you don't, because they're happening
and it's at the same time. And it's just going like this
and like this and like this. And it's just like it's just overwhelming. And you know, like I can't control it. And I think that's why my body
just like reacts that way, because it's like I have to let out I guess that frustration somehow. And usually it's through tears and screaming and withdrawing. - But the thing is is I always
know when something's up, so I just don't give up. I'm just like, "So are you sure you don't wanna talk about it?" - [Interviewer] How can you tell when something's bothering her?" - You know, like I said, she doesn't have a very good poker face. She gets very like, she gets very stoic and like she's silent. She's like very like not moving too much. And when I respond to
her, she is low voiced, like, you know, the typical indicators. - [Interviewer] I have a list
here of symptoms of CPTSD. Is it okay if I read
them, and you can tell me if you experience them and to what degree? - Yeah. - [Interviewer] the first one is, the first symptom is difficulty
controlling emotions. - Yes. Earlier off camera when I was
trying to express my feelings, I'm so happy I'm a lot calmer now, but it was really hard because I was like
feeling a lot of things, and that's because feelings
like affect me physically. And again when I feel intense emotions, specifically sadness and anger, it hits hard. In the guest bedroom, I think
one time I like went in there, like when we were having a disagreement, and I just felt so bad that
I just closed in there. I turned off all the lights. I brought my blanket and
my pillow and my teddy bear and like closed the door. And I just laid there in
the dark in the closet. And it's just like, I don't know, it's like I'm wallowing in self-pity. It just feels like my whole body, like if anything, now that I'm
actually saying it out loud, it's probably me going
through the like trauma again, where it's just like
all that body reaction, where it's just like
my body's just shaking, my heart's beating, like I'm sweating. I feel like scared and angry and terrible. And it's just like I just
wanna like, you know, like scream and let go. And again, like just let
everything just crumble around me, and just let like, I don't know, a wave come and just... A thought that goes through my head a lot through those times is like I
just wanna stand in traffic, like on I-95, and just let
the traffic come on to me. You know, like that's how it feels. And it's not like okay, and I probably shouldn't
be like joking about it. but like really, that type of also disconnect
where it's like you feel that, but also like you don't. - There's no real way to predict whether she's gonna be completely fine, or whether something
is just gonna literally teeter her over the edge, and
now it's just inconsolable. - [Interviewer] What can you
do when she is inconsolable? - I mean, I feel like I
have sort of a cheat code, because I can just like,
you know, I don't know. I feel like if I, you know, if I make sure that she knows that she's cared about, and I give her some reason, but without trying to fix anything, and you know, like less is more almost. It's almost like I just have- - The voice of reason. - Yeah, provide a little love. And like she almost, you know, I am able to, to get
her to flip pretty quickly. - Yeah. - Especially these days. - Yeah, I think it's just
getting me out of that mindset. You know, 'cause sometimes
like when I'm in it, and I've come to now call him. Because before I used to
just deal with it by myself, and you know, he really does help me. I have this weird thing where
if someone makes me feel bad, I can't tell them that because
I don't want them to feel bad for making me feel bad. Weird. And that happens a lot. And I think that's made
me a bit of a pushover, because, again, overthinking
about other people, which is just like, imagine being bullied, and you don't want your
bully to get in trouble because you don't want them
to feel bad for being a bully. Like that makes no sense. But that's like how I think about stuff. Like I think about stuff like that. Like I have a picture of
my best friends in my room. One's by my bed and the
other one's not by my bed. And as I'm like going to bed, I'm like, "Oh my God, if Ruby comes over and she doesn't see her picture by my bed, is she gonna be pissed off? Is she gonna think that I don't think she's
as good of a friend to me because it's not by my bed? Oh man, maybe I should put it by my bed." And then I put it by my bed and I'm like, "Why are you thinking about this? This is so stupid." - [Interviewer] What do
you love most about Yasmin? - It's funny that I'm gonna
say this, but her optimism. (Yasmin laughing)
Her optimism. Because believe it or
not, in this relationship, I am the pessimist. I am the pessimist in this relationship. So I feel like that part
of her like completes me. Because I need that, whether to feel more
youthful or to feel more, to feel like, you know, just- - To feel young again. - No, just to feel, you know, silly. Like to feel good, to have fun. - Be goofy.
- Yeah. - [Interviewer] In your
experiences talking to other girls, other women, is this something that a large percentage of
the population experiences? - Unfortunately, yeah. And it's just a shame
because it's just normalized. And SA for women and men
is just unfortunately, like it's just a thing
that's like it just happens, you know, it just happens. It's just something that happens, almost like breaking a leg
or something like that. And honestly, there hasn't
been a woman that I've met where I've told them about my experience and they haven't shared one back.
