Parents Who Have Children Who are Narcissists

[Music] hello my name is Jerry wise and I've been a relationship expert and marriage and family expert for about 40 years I also do self differentiation work with clients I'm a relationship and life coach and I'm also the director and founder of Jerry Weis relationship systems and this video today is entitled parents who have children who are narcissists I've had a number of people ask me if I might do a video on this topic I think it's a very good topic it's probably not spoken of very much I don't see that out there and I'd like to recommend a very good book for folks it is a book in which I borrowed some information from that book added my own information as well and my experience and it's entitled how to kill a narcissist by JH Simon you can get it on Amazon I really think it's well written and he did a great job and making having a good primer introduction to how do you deal with the narcissus how do you heal from a narcissist and those types of things and I think for parents who have children who are narcissistic this would be a good resource for you many parents suffer from adult children who are narcissists they often don't launch well into adulthood they're demanding maybe non empathetic they feel entitled they want to be taken care of maybe they can't keep a job - maybe manipulate their dependent position at home now some narcissists will launch out into the world and get jobs and leave home and then they continue their criticism and bullying and and manipulation after they get out many stay at home and stay stuck and parents don't know what to do with them and it's very difficult for them to manage them parrots feel caught in this hyper parent responsibility and many times feel frozen by guilt and feeling very powerless when they have children in this situation parents may suffer abuse and have a chaotic household with the narcissus adult child living with them and then many parents can experience narcissistic abuse syndrome as a result of their children I think another way to think about adult children of adult children who are narcissists that they're it's very similar to like addiction where we've enabled them there's a codependent relationship they take control just like if you have a son or child or daughter who is an alcoholic or addict and we become over and meshed in their problems and we get all caught up in their psychiatric difficulties or personality disorder or addiction or something like that and I think many of the 12-step that's used in al-anon and other places can be helpful for disentangling yourself from an adult child who is a narcissist so what are the traits of an adult child narcissist well they tend to strive to want to be in control even using extreme under functioning to stay in control because under functioning can be a way of controlling as well you just under function you don't do very well you know you have all the problems you have lots of drama and that that controls the whole family dynamic and the whole family system they use condescending stairs or eye-rolling they snicker and laugh at your weaknesses they speak about you say in the third person when you're present where we feel shamed and powerless you know well Don doesn't like the mess that I made and Don's the dad and the child will say well Janice doesn't like how I did such a and again it's a very demeaning way to communicate they inflate themselves through their painful stories in which they're highly superior making everyone else feel small in the stories they inflate themselves through assertion and deflection they don't want to admit guilt or weaknesses they say I always are you always or I always or I never or you never and again they always deflate somewhere else because they can't stay responsible for their behavior they'll get off on something else if you criticize them they'll talk about all your faults if you want them to do something they'll talk about all the things you don't do and that's deep that's deflecting they deflect in that way they inflate themselves well and that they ask critical rhetorical questions like why did you arrange the plates that way or why are you what are you wearing that shirt for which is kind of a bullying tactic when they do that it's it's very demeaning and doesn't feel good and it's a rather put down and they're kind of superior telling you what you need to be doing or ought to be doing they refuse are not able to empathize or support others or support you as parents you'll do everything for them then you have a flat tire and they don't want to help they can't help they're not going to do that they don't allow you to set boundaries they refuse to go along with your plans or allow you to influence them they want to call the shops they make unwelcome supposedly neutral observations you know you need to buy some new shoes you know you need to get your hair done and again that's unwelcome advice or observations which always puts everyone in a in a lesser diminished position they feign or exaggerated concern it'll be fake worry or fake helping you to make you feel small and incapable and again it's kind of fake in its concern well I'm concerned about mom because uh when really it's not a heartfelt concern it's a part of that in our system syndrome they compared you to others in a very put down way they hijacked your reality in other words their reality is the only thing it matters your rally doesn't matter at all only the ways they they see it is what's important they can be charming they can practice love-bombing and then when they want something or need something they get all lovey-dovey their act very charming and very cooperative only to have that be reversed after they get what they want they can even be frightening at times because they can have mood swings in which they you can't control those mood swings they can be very angry or irritable they try they try to keep the parents in a psychological cage and that psychological cage they want to be a very strong box that they want to keep their parent in they don't want their parent to think outside that box they are shameless even though shame is a big part of their personality disorder they don't experience shame and they don't talk about shame that's a very unconscious part of their process and they don't feel guilty they don't feel guilty if they haven't done something they said they would do they don't care they want to control others minds and emotions and then they practice reverse intergenerational intimidation many times I've talked about in other videos and I've got about 150 out there if you want to take a look at them the I'll talk about intergenerational intimidation and that's often parents doing that to children well when children are narcissists then it's a reverse that I will do the intergenerational intimidation and it will go upward rather than down to an to a older generation and they will try to intimidate now what about the parents you know a parent or parents of a child who are narcissus often are empaths many times they are very empathic or very sensitive or very caring often over caring they can be intuitive and possess high emotional intelligence they experience their emotions with very high intensity overcoming rational thought so again we won't be very rational with the child will just get very emotional with the child which puts the child in charge rather than us in charge we need to focus on thinking and rational rather than our emotional experience they can they they can sense and are very attuned to the emotions of others these are this is the parents they often can be good listeners and can sacrifice their attention for very long periods of time and often these parents have a very strong craving to connect with their child emotionally which is often stronger than reason or common sense I want to connect with my child if I can just connect with them then they would see what they're doing or see how they're treating me and oftentimes we want them to change and we'll spend a long time trying to get them to change often those parents are influenced more easily by others they may have their buttons push more easily they can parents can get fatigued or emotionally drained more often than others because of the narcissistic child it's very draining when you have to deal with someone like that day after day after day they often desire more structure in their lives but the child wants chaos and very little structure or they want structure their way and they will create care chaos until they can get it so how do we heal how do we break free learn about enmeshment and becoming more emotionally autonomous learn to self differentiate and become a true authentic self second of all begin to break out of the psychological cage by getting help from a narcissistic family expert or a self expert and rejects aemon's book that killing killing the narcissist thirdly work on your love starvation or addiction to your child many times we've become a master addicted to the child and it becomes our whole world it's the cocaine or alcohol that we use our child is always something we're always worrying about thinking about coming home to stressing over and it takes up our whole lives and they take up our whole lives heal and resolve your shame resolve your fears resolve your guilt and when I say that is deal with the fear shame and guilt and and the end the fear of abandonment that you've learned long time ago and resolved that that will help you strengthen your sense of self in dealing with a narcissistic child deal with your family of origin issues growing up because probably they are playing into the adult child narcissist and the parent dynamic remember when a child becomes an adult they no longer need a parent you have now become their brother or sister in society and they are equal adults to you your child no longer needs a parent but life the universe or God becomes their parent or society that's who their parent is now not you of course we may continue to love our children and offer support in many different kinds of ways but it's not owed to them they're adults now it should only be given freely intentionally given not guilt driven or obtained through manipulation through bullying cease the over functioning and enabling with the assisting child watch my recent video letting everyone around you grow up because that's what we want to do with the adult narcissistic child we want to get out of the way so they can grow up and face reality and face life stop focusing on the child focus on you and your wellness your stability your boundaries your self-care and your authentic voice and authentic self if in the case they are physically abusive or damaged property in your house then let the legal concert consequences be theirs to face narcissus will somewhat control their behavior when negative consequences hurt them or come their way narcissists are controlled by Sur combine secuence 'as not by reason and come on let's do that they need to have those consequences so that they can control or change their behavior you may want to have a partial no contact or a full no contact with the child or at least had have limited exposure to the child until you heal and until you get well if they're living with you you may want to offer for them to go to a shelter or go to the Salvation Army especially if they refuse to work or you may want them to have go live with a friend or go live with family let them experience life without you as the enabler and you as the one who they're controlling if they live with you and you're not ready to kick them out out of the nest so they can fly choose your battles and stick to them in other words these are the five things they need to do to live here and we'll take number one and we're going to fight about number one that's the most important battle we're going to have engage or relate adult children who are narcissists in public places where they may be less verbally abusive or where they would feel more hesitant act out because again if there's an audience they may tend to control their behavior they want to look charming or look positive or make you look bad so they look really good then do that in a public way if we're gonna go meet together let's go meet together in a restaurant because hopefully that's less likely that they would be abusive or controlling as much now these are some of the suggestions there are many more but I hope this visit that this video has been an introduction for those parents who have children who are narcissists and I hope that you will contact me if you'd like to work with me as a self expert I want you to go to my website WWE my Facebook page subscribe to this YouTube channel and I want to thank you very much for listening today and have a great day you [Music]

Channel: Jerry Wise Relationship Systems

Views: 147,555

Rating: 4.8860569 out of 5

Keywords: wevideo, narcissitic abuse syndrom, jerry wise, Bowen Family Systems, self differentiation, family systems, codependency, counter-dependency, family conflict, narcisisstic children, out of control children, empowering yourself, setting boundaries, enabling, launching children, parenting adult children, family tree counseling, family tree life coaches, CPTSD, PTSD, family PTSD, parental PTSD

Id: 19k2nfUE2g0

Length: 17min 21sec (1041 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 20 2018