Owning All of Our Parts with Zane Phillips | On the Table 103

hey welcome back to on the table where we're digging into the beautiful sometimes excruciating often comical messiness of what it means to be human over drinks because I happen to think that vices here and there are important and we can't yet ingest psychedelics on camera one day I'm your host Serena Smith behind the camera is my director and husband Ian alongside our small and mighty crew and if you've tuned in before you know where we are the Zin restaurant in Venice California my guest today is the absolutely delectable Zayn Phillips who I'll tell you all about in just a second um and of course per always we are coming to you live baby um so this is our third episode which feels like a small victory yay and we shot our second episode a couple of days after Christmas I was in the throws of some post holiday end of year Blues which I reckon many of you can probably relate to and try as I did to snap myself out of it I just couldn't fully get there um so I went into the shoot feeling a little bit off and frankly pretty mad at myself for it so I'm sitting across from a literal kindness expert the wonderful Houston craft and as I'm asking him questions about the importance of not only how to be kind to other people but also to yourself my inner critic is Raging the irony of this now seems very funny to me but at the time I couldn't even see what was going on it felt very serious it's screaming at me that my questions are unfocused and that my energy is too low and How Dare I ask all of you to tune in and Houston to be here and my crew to be working on my behalf and I become fully convinced that I am [ __ ] the bed which is a phrase I wish didn't exist in the English language but if the shoe fits um so the shoot ends and I'm just like filled with this shame of perceived failure I share my feelings with Ian who gently reminds me that I'm being ridiculous so I turned to [ __ ] rage texting some of my friends who also tell me that I'm being way too hard on myself but I'm so inside my own rightness inside my own suffering that I can't hear any of that and then we go home and we watch back the episode and I am stunned to recognize that I'm nowhere near as bad as I thought like it's a good interview I'm good and the shame vanishes like that right which is amazing except that the shame was able to go away because I had the luxury of being able to observe the footage after the fact and recognize that my understanding of what I thought was going on in that moment was incorrect most of the time for most of us we don't get that opportunity there is no tape to run back and so we're left with these skewed perceptions and ruminations that definitely don't serve us and I think most of the time are probably moderately to wildly untrue so I just want to remind those of you out there who have a sometimes loud inner critic and have the sneaking suspicion that that's probably a lot of us let this story serve as a reminder not to believe all the whack [ __ ] that your brain tells you feelings are not facts and we are not our thoughts I think one of the most remarkable lessons that I've learned over the past couple of years and it's a lesson that I have to learn there's dogs in here and there's a it's a lesson that I have to learn clearly over and over again is that the antidote to almost any negative feeling you're having is presence you cannot be fully dropped in and anxiety ridden at the same time it's maybe not easy to enact but I do think it is that simple you know I think most people in my life think of me as a pretty intensely confident person and I am truly and also sometimes there's this crazy lady a muck in my head both things can be true life is messy and we contain multitudes speaking of multitudes let me tell you about my guest zanen Phillips this man is an undeniable Triple Threat a true thespian of both screen and Stage a wonderful singer and a hell of a dancer which is how we met um and he's had a wild couple of years you may know him from Fire Island which you should go watch for the second or 20 27th time from glamorous from legacies maybe from your dreams but um amazingly just prior to him Landing those roles he was actually really seriously considering leaving the industry to become an engineer brains beauty Talent man has it all but honestly all of it pales in comparison to the way that he walks through the world with playfulness and generosity and a spirit that is larger than his bicep and I mean look at those biceps um I did arm day yesterday yes you did as always if you have questions for Zayn throw them in the chat um I'll be asking some of those later and so you know anything that we reference in this interview books movies spiritual guides queer icons will all get added to the show description on YouTube within about a day so you don't have to go hunting for it after the fact I could have just listen to you do that for an hour I was like the actor is here no no no oh my God I feel like I feel like I want to speak so much to what you were talking about cuz I was like in the exact same place also first of all should we oh God cheers yes cheers um delightful uh yeah that's good yeah no yeah yeah talk to me did that resonate absolutely I was in the exact oh that's good um okay let's leave it this way okay great um I was in the exact same place uh at the end of the year I think I have never had a holiday season that I wanted to be over as much as I wanted this one to be over um so I think it's it's really it's really funny we were like in the same place there um I think with the strike with everything that had happened last year I just needed a sense of normaly and holidays as as good as they can be and as healing as it can be to be with family I was just like I I need I need the work I need the focus I need to have my brain on something that is not my own brain um but anyway so I was there with you and then also this idea of um yeah I I love that idea that basically anxiety and shame can't coexist with presence cuz I think that's so true it's something that I have to work with a lot of the time because I can so get in my own head oh my God it's crazy and it's crazy how simple the answer is like sometimes I'll be somewhere and I'll be thinking to myself am I having a good time do I like this person why aren't they asking me any questions you know what I mean like you're just like you get you sort of spiral and then if I just stop for a moment and I think stop thinking about your own internal experience and just get really present with what's happening and it just it dissipates right like it's such I don't know it's like we complicate things so deeply for ourselves right and then the answer is actually so simple yeah we have and we have we have a lot of um stories to tell ourselves to about like I have always told myself that I'm socially anxious because at one point you know it's you're a kid and that's true um but I think I held on to that for far longer than ever needed to you know because now now you know I I've I've been able to I'm I'm a high functioning social an socially anxious person now you know I feel I feel very outgoing and you know I'm an introvert at the end of the day but um do you actually still actively feel anxiety in social situations oh yeah a lot of times yeah yeah I think I think because I um I always I always drum this up to growing up queer and maybe honestly it's probably the same thing when you grow up as a woman this sort of hypervigilance of where you are in the space and how people perceive you I think we probably do it for different reasons but um yeah I think I've always had my brain is always Racing 100 miles an hour to to figure out what does this person feel about me how are they are they enjoying themselves do they feel special when I'm in this conversation with them you know and then you have bigger groups and the the the narrative becomes am I am I holding the room well am I you know it's can be any number of things that you can feel I mean God the gym the gym I get so socially anxious in the gym I I having to ask somebody how how many sets you got left terrifies me that's what causes you to spiral it's always like so weird it's like often like the most minor things yeah yeah yeah and and you know it's I hate to ask people where the bathroom is why why is that the thing way talk to a wall I will go to I will go to a a restaurant and I will simply like circumnavigate the entire dining room because I don't want to ask I want to know I want to I want people to think that I know we want people to think that we know things oh my God okay this is such a big thing so like when and when Ian and I travel together he's like a really big fan of just kind of like fly by the seat of your pants and like feel it out and be spontaneous and see what presents itself and I'm a big fan of like do all the research and then don't over itiner eyes like leave some space but I always want to know that I'm like in the right neighborhood on the right Street and then from there there's like space for for exploration but I'm also like hyper Vigilant about like cultural customs and what wanting it to look like I know what I'm doing like he navigates us always from a public transportation perspective a because I have zero sense of direction I'm very traditionally gendered in that way but also because I am just so terrified of looking like I don't know what I'm doing yeah you would you would you would you would rather go out of your way 40 minutes because you took the wrong train stay on it for a couple stops and then get off and then go get you know like which is ridiculous is ridiculous yeah yeah it's that it's that um yes it's this like sense of of needing to feel like you've done the research you know and I think maybe that's just I think that's definitely identities that we've constructed for ourselves over the years like I can tell we're Kindred in that way 100% 100% And and we can talk about this but it's like we both come from um pretty academic backgrounds right we were high performers in school and so I think in a way that can be really beautiful b in a way that if it tips past a certain point can also potentially be toxic it's like we're so accustomed to doing the work you know that sometimes it's like just [ __ ] take it easy right and also also yeah it's like you're not getting graded on how you travel you know like I'm greating myself right right but yeah that's that's the thing it's like it's like you can you can look like a tourist like what's it's nobody's going to be mad at you you know like T ex is no but that's yeah it's it's a hard thing to internalize for and like you know we live two blocks off of ab keny which is like tourist central LA and I never feel even an ounce of judgment toward anybody who's obviously a tourist in La I'm like great you're living your best life I'm so happy you're here when that was the thing when I was living in New York whenever somebody would ask me for directions on the subway it was the best day of my life you know what I mean whenever you could tell somebody how to navigate you know the craziness that is the New York Transit System yeah um that's power it's power it like you carry that with with you the rest of the day just the chest Puffs out a little bit more absolutely um I think there's something so interesting that you brought up about walking through the world with the awareness of being perceived yeah and I guess to some degree I think that anybody could fall prey to this but I do think that it happens um in particular populations more than others right right where yeah where where you're if you're strikingly beautiful no I mean I think if you're a woman yeah yeah we're in in situations where um yeah where perhaps it's important for you to have your surroundings assessed um yeah and yeah I definitely feel I mean you know anybody who like knows my story knows I like grew up in Texas um you know very small town conservative uh area where um yeah basically if if if you're or if you're different you need to get ahead of the curve you need to to know what the narrative is before other people do and it's really funny because I still find myself with that inclination nowadays you know now that I'm am some you know I'm more of a public figure I guess um and I'm still very much concerned with all right like how am I coming off like what is like what is the narrative here um it's really interesting thing it's it's an interesting conversation I mean I'm sorry I'm like I'm like jumping over everywhere like I don't know if um it's something that I think is fascinating that that Taylor Swift is such a a figure in the zist right now because I think she's the sort of Master of of assessing what the narrative is and then speaking to it and playing with it and um and controlling it so masterfully yeah it's really it's it it is really masterful work and I think I think it's it's it's something that I've I've going to be like okay it's not necessarily bad to want to know how you're coming across or you know what what the what the sort of prevailing narrative is about you it's actually it can be a sort of power as well um but it's it's just funny that it came from such a place of needing needing to be sure of my surroundings and needing to have you know some security uh especially in times where I I really wasn't sure how people were receiving me do you have a sense of what the narrative is about you right now um maybe I think I think um you know I uh I I'm just thinking of like stud country people just going wild in the chat like I'll tell you what the [ __ ] narrative is we going to hope we got stud country people in the chat um I miss my girls uh Miss You So yeah so I I do think um from what I've gleamed and from what I've deemed it respons responsible to to observe um just for myself and my own sanity um you know it's it's it's it's kind of too prong like on one side I see um a lot of people who feel very um very glad that you know someone can be a young actor and out and you know I mean being ambitious perhaps or really you know not not being apologetic for it um I can't say that was necessarily how I planned it really or yeah yeah like I didn't I mean I say this all the time but there was never a point in my career where somebody's like well do you want to go back in the closet now you know like nobody nobody was nobody said that and of course I was you know I went to I went to theater school so I was I was gay by week two you know like nobody there was there was nothing if you're not you're out exactly exactly some people really did take some time though and God bless them I couldn't have been me cuz I really I needed I needed to try it I needed to kiss a boy um is that when it happened it wasn't until you were yeah in college yeah yeah um and so uh because it felt too dangerous in Texas yeah and also I mean I will say I went to Theater Camp somewhere after my junior year of high school and that opened my eyes a little bit and that did let me sort of see a little bit more of what was out there and who was out there and so I started becoming perhaps a little bit more comfortable with that at that point but um um but yeah it wasn't there was there was no there was no no possibility of me coming out before before College I I and I and I was like I'm going out of state I don't care like you know eventually I'll come home enough times without a girlfriend that my parents will be like what's going on what are you doing um and so you know uh yeah and so you know it it uh it happened a little faster than that and But ultimately I'm grateful was kind of like ripping off the Band-Aid but at the very least I was in a a sterilized environment you know sterilized yeah like like I was using the Band-Aid metaphor like I I I opened the wound but it wasn't going to get infected you know know right right right it's funny it played out exactly the same way for my sister oh really yeah she had a boyfriend all four years of high school she's a field hockey player um and she got to college and it was like a of it was a matter of weeks you know cuz suddenly especially if you're in you're in an area I mean for me like theater right I realiz nobody gave a [ __ ] even even the people I was scared most of which was the straight boys they didn't care they knew what they were getting into like if you're a straight born in theater chances are you're not you're not going to be like G people you know you don't care yeah um and you know and and they end up becoming some of the some of your strongest strongest AIDS and allies you know so uh um but yeah how did we get on to this you're talking about the narrative that you feel like playing out about you yes you're so you're so good at keeping a hold of my thousand threads um I had some caffeine today I know I I have I have to it's I've got the shakes not used to it um um yeah so so I definitely think um yeah there is there is a sort of responsibility that I feel in sort of being I guess that kind of figure and obviously I mean there's so many people who have done it before me like I'm not saying I'm the first or the only or whatever you know I think I think we do have a a cohort of young queer actors who are really like making a splash um you know that being said I'm I'm I'm definitely um you know I do I do have my sight set on on ambitious things you know like I do I do feel like I'm uniquely positioned to do you know action or like superheroes or whatever you know I think I think um it's kind of surprised that nobody's been that door hasn't been knocked On's funny is is that there's just not I don't know I mean it's a funny time and media period I guess but uh you know I I think something that maybe Works to my detriment as well as my advantage is is I do consider myself a bit of a a chameleon you know actor- Wise like I I don't I I feel really comfortable doing character work and and taking on something completely different you know I never want to do the same thing twice um but with what that means is is I feel like my field of what I do and what I can do it feels a little unfocused um and so that's been that's been a big part of you know this like strike time and then afterwards is sort of narrowing the focus and being like all right well what you know first of all it's it's it's the col of what are your talents what are you good at what does the world want you to do secondly like what what can you do what do you feel comfortable doing and third of all is you know what you have the opportunity to do and um yes right now it's just a matter of trying to align those things and uh yeah you know I think I think that's that's the thing is like if I don't swing big uh nobody's going to swing big for me oh my God you know that's that's that's been my that's been my experience you know this this entire time is you really have to advocate for yourself yeah yeah no one's going to do it for you no even when you have a great team totally totally exactly well and and and that's the thing is you know like I was in New York I'm used to the hustle that's that's where I feel very comfortable um and so yeah there are times where I'm like I wish this was easier you know I wish that I wish the opportunities would fall on my lap a little bit more I wish that people would see you know uh my talent a little more clearly you know there's there's all these sorts of things that you wish for yourself at the same time I I have that Foundation of knowing that I I can work I can work for what I want and and if something doesn't come easy that's fine nothing's ever come easy um you know it's more satisfying when it wasn't it is handed yeah yeah I'm I'm definitely I mean it's annoying it's annoying that that's the it's yeah yeah and you try you try to feel the annoyance and let it pass and and let it be a motivation uh for sure but um you know ultimately I mean like yeah so so so I think I think that's that's part of part of my narrative that I'm sort of trying to parse out and trying to to feel out um you know I think I think also there's probably a lot of people who see me and think that I'm not a lot of the things that you are yeah yeah yeah I do I do find uh yeah people always expect me to be like a little mean I expected you to be me no oh my God let me tell you this so wait what when I first saw you at this queer line dancing movement that we're both a part of called stud country shout out to stud country our home away from home um I immediately started referring to you as the Adonis to my friends for I think obvious reasons and then one night you came to talk to me and I was like so delighted to learn that you were like smart and witty and kind and kind of a [ __ ] goof and then you walked away and I was like disappointed in myself for not having assumed that that would be the case and I was just like what like you're I was like my whole stick is like leaning into the dimensionality of people and here I was like siphoning you down to one dimension and and and it got me thinking right because I think that was my experience of you in the realm of seeing you in real life dancing your ass off yeah and then there's also like what people see on Instagram which is a lot of really totally it's very it's very um curated yeah absolutely as it is for everybody totally but I wonder like I think this is also something that you can just fall prey to when you're when somebody is confronted with pretty striking Beauty like do you feel like do you enter interactions understanding that you're making such a strong first impression that there might be something that you have to overcome I guess it's hard I mean I think I could drive myself crazy because also also there's the layer of like never really seeing what other people see in you like that's also the thing is I'm like I'm like you don't know that's fine if people think I'm good-look I don't I don't agree you know like or I'll I'll I'll you know what I mean this is this is just like the traditional things that you tell yourself over the years and you know again I I've done a lot of work to try and to try and um you know up my value I get you know it's like I I I work out but that makes me feel good I use sunscreen you know like I I I really do I mean the whole skare reg no no no I I now I'm doing more now too actually I'm I'm expanding um uh but you know like like but I still I I've always had a very deep well of insecurity I've always had a very because because again like I I grew up never feeling like I had um um I I had much to offer I guess um was a very somber child so really yeah yeah your insecurity was manifesting in multiple different spheres or were there spaces where you were like I feel confident here and less confident here I mean maybe I mean maybe that's why theater became such a a treasured thing for me because I I did I mean one it was just by virtue of being in a small town and you know we had a community there that was actually pretty good um and uh you know but they needed boys and so like when I would do shows it was it was there was very much energy of like thank God thank you you know and and so I think that was the first time that I was like oh like I am of some value to this situation um and I think that that helped me sort of latch on to it a little bit more and um you know obviously like I was very academics focused as well so that was that was a big part of it but I you know I think think I never really shook the feeling of like you have to be worth more [Music] than also like appearance to me has always felt very like everyone tells you from a very young age like Beauty Fades like you better you better have something else to fall back on and so I've never felt like I could trust it like someone's like someone tells me that you know I'm I'm good-looking and and I'm like well I can't do anything with that like I'm going to be a a a piece of wrinkled paper by the age of 80 you know what I mean like it's like like what what else is my life going to be that's not the way that I look and so but you know I think um now again I just try not to think about it because also I think being down on yourself so much is its own form of vanity sure you know it is a self-obsession right it's like just stop think about something else exactly exactly it's it's it's it's yeah it's it's almost it's you know a lot of times you think that you're being you're being cute and demure and you're just being annoying you know like like like you just have to let go of thinking about yourself so that's my big thing that I've tried to do within the past few years just not think about myself that much in terms of like how and just and just focus on literally like the being present right the the solution to this anxiety the solution to this insecurity is the fact that like all right how how can I be here with you and make you feel seen and heard and yeah then suddenly it's like it doesn't matter doesn't matter you know but it's really funny because I I I remember specifically um we were doing uh a sin wagon um and which is a a dance that we do near kills people it it it truly exertion heavy yes and it was at the end of the night so it was a humid day so there was a lot of moisture coming from the vents and I think that like the first interaction we had like the first true interaction we had because I was I was intimidated by you I was like I was like sh she's so good I kind of realized that as we were having the conversation and that I was like having this out of Body Experience like he's intimidated by me no because cuz it's I mean I mean that's the thing when somebody I think there's something about being a good dancer that is such a power you know what I mean when someone can enter into a space and feel confident in their body yeah it like that that that automatically can put your stock so high with a lot of people I think um but anyway no I was I was doing sin wagon I think I think you were not doing it for some reason you were just like standing on the corner yeah sometimes and I was doing um like the Bell kick and I slipped and fell right on my ass I missed that and you were like you were like oh my y'all were like are you okay I think it like it was you and Adrien you're like are you okay and I was like I was like yeah yeah yeah I'm good I'm good and then and then I don't know I think I think I don't know if you remember that exactly being the moment but I I certainly was like was like okay like this girl is cool she she she laughed at me a little bit and it's good in like in a way that made me feel good you know like you were not trying to spare my feelings you were just like people who are close to me in my life know this I like think that I have such a sense of maturity and such a deep well of empathy for people but you fall a truly a 220 lb man like all flat on his because also fall BS are off also it it is kind of you know seeing a a big dude do that dance is kind of funny sometimes like you're like you have to haul ass you have to haul ass you've never seen an elephant you know it's hard for me I'm barely you know 5T off the ground that's true you have yeah you have you have all the advantages in the world do you want to have a a Redemptive moment right now can we can we just show a little bit of the clip of me and Zayn oh my God on stage we cannot show we cannot play the music for this because it's to Britney Spears's slave for you to just imagine it in your head we absolutely cannot clear that [ __ ] and we do not want this stream being taken down by I don't know estate but you're watching it he's very good um I'm always like since I started teaching I'm always trying to convince people to go for the Second Spin I'm like watching this video I'm like he's doing the double every time if I yeah that is that is that is the thing my um you know everyone personalizes the dances in their own way uh a lot of people really have a good facility with flow and they you know they add like little extra like kicks and stuff the only thing that I can do is add an extra spin that's really the only thing oh my God please I'm I'm a one trick pony also yeah I've really developed a reputation yeah yeah no because because I um I don't know like I love I love a chen you know like like I I I am not a dancer dancer but God damn I can spot you know and that's the key I think um I think there's something that is so comp I mean it really changed my life yeah stud country last year was a a lot of people for a great many reasons and it kind of came along like this Lifeline I think for many of us and for me that's tied up in the fact that like dancing is my purest and First Love and it's a space where as you just reflected where I feel very deeply embodied very much in my power and very much in my sensuality and I think that was a really important thing for me to remind myself of I actually don't know if I would have started this show had it not been for stud because it reminded of what it feels like to stand in my power I was like oh this is who the [ __ ] you are you know but there's also something so beautiful about being in these queer spaces that are just so expressive and so joyful and I I not only do you have stud but you have been tracking this career now for the last couple of years where in your theater days you were playing straight roles right yeah for sure yeah and then to some degree you were like [ __ ] this and now you've been playing queer role after queer role you've been on a number of sets that have been like largely populated by queer people can you can you like thread the needle for me in terms of like how those spaces feel potentially different from other spaces you find yourself in totally totally I mean I think think you know it's interesting again like there's no there truly is no one to tell you at the beginning of your career like this is what you should do this is how it's going to go this is how it's going to feel um I think again there's there's a lot of really um you know people who have been in the industry for a long time who have been fighting the fight have been you know fighting these like uphill battles a lot of the time um but things have changed so rapidly that nobody really can like you can't give advice to someone four years younger than you because it's a different game the experience is going to be completely different you know already and so um you know so I I think I think coming more into like the film TV side of things um it was a lot of gut instinct of of saying all right well this is a again this is a project that wants me this is a project that appreciates what I have therefore I'm going to go for it you know and I think again I'm I'm sort of um I just happen to be you know one of the one of the guys who sort of I think fits a certain type or you know like can can can enter into a certain place like again I I I enter into a room can you own it come on yeah I know I know you're right you're right you're right I think okay you're so hot well and and not that there's like tons of hot career actors out there but I think I do think that I I think that because of my upbringing maybe and because of again like what you know how how I've what I've worked on with my body whatever um when I enter into a space anything that I do is like a statement on masculinity you know and and so I think whether you want it to be or not exactly exactly and you know I always really love playing straight roles for that reason because I do feel like I have a really interesting grasp on straightness because it's something that we as queer people study for years right right as straight people like in the hierar the unfortunate hierarchy of things right I always say like the the higher you up in the in the hierarchy you don't you don't you're not forced to think about anything that's underneath you unless you very diligently decide to do that work whereas wherever you are further down the pyramid you have no choice to be deeply entrenched and educated right as a woman I'm pretty studied in what it's like to be straight white guy you know what I mean you don't have you don't have an option totally totally and obviously actors act and and as I said like I love playing characters I love doing the work I love being able to approach something from you know what initially feels like an Outsiders perspective and sort of get inside um you know but I will say being able to be on queer sets or being able to start playing roles that Hue a little closer to what I've just been trying to to discover about myself and you know the sort of the strength in my own queerness um uh it's it feels really good it it feels um it feels like a you know if if most of your life feels like high friction it suddenly feels like things suddenly slide a little bit more you know what I mean it's like turning the air on the air hockey table um and and and you know that's not to say thaty you love air hockey yeah it stresses me out Serena it's too fast I get really competitive I'm sure I I would be terrified to play your hockey I'm not even that good I'm like knocking it off the board into I think I think I think that's the thing like you would just like through sheer aggression um totally whooped my ass though she is small she is mighty she is mighty she she can really fling a puck um sorry you were saying something like actually important my apologies it's fine I made a very distracting analogy for sure um um uh but so yeah it's you suddenly do feel a lack of friction you suddenly do feel a little bit closer to that thing that I felt in middle school right where it's like suddenly you're in a theater and suddenly you're like oh this is a place that sort of values what I do and who I am you know and obviously that has changed and transformed and um you know what would what would being the most valued version of yourself look like today I think we this handled no no I liked it um just like fondling your wedding ring uh um so I will say it's it's hard for me again to take power in like what I look like because again like I don't trust it everything is subjective whatever whatever okay but hold on okay but but but but let me finish let me finish yeah yeah um but I will say that I think I have a very light filled soul and I feel like I am a very alive person um and a very and a very present person right like it's it's it's been my solution to yeah it's been my solution to anxiety over all these years to the point where now like like I think it is something that is that is strong and is a strength within me and so I think being the most valued version of myself would um be engaging in experiences that bring that forth you know and and being in projects that allow me to use that and you know I think um again it's it's it's a weird time for it's a weird time for media as as we all know um but you know I do think that is that is the thing that I I I kind of hold firm like I really do believe in my ability to you know look at someone in the eye and and and make them feel good you know and and it's how I fell in love with you I mean listen She's mine now so sorry it's like exessive if you were sitting here you'd be doing the same thing you can't help it it's like Tito I mean like I think um but no I mean I I think that's yeah that's that's that's something that that as much as my insecurity can get to me um you know I believe in that in myself and that's and that's kind of that's that's kind of the thing that's the only thing I feel like that's that's allowing me to like keep going through you know the the work and all that cuz I'm like I'm like I still know that I have something special to offer I know that I you know I can serve like a story well you know like I have I have yeah I have I have these particular strengths and and how can I bring my spirit to it yeah yeah yeah yeah I think that's so I think that's so powerful and I think it's such a beautiful way to operate just beyond just the confines of your career because that's something that you can take into every interaction and every experience that you're having in your life right and I think we all know like if your happiness is tied up in some exter Accolade or number in the bank or achievement or reward or job or whatever right like you're not going to find happiness but feeling like you can walk through the world with this big spirit and spreading your light like that's a thing that you have control over and that is a thing that I think paves the way to actual sustainable contentment tot totally totally and it's and it's also the reason why again like I I have found dancing to be such a big part of my life now um you know whether through stud or whether through like you know other situations where I might dance for a long time um is that is that I I have felt that it has become an extension of that that good thing that I see in myself because I the amount of times I've had people on the Dance Floor you know come up to me and say hey you just have like a good energy like can I can we like dance near you I'm like yes yes let's go you know it's it's and and again like I don't it is one of the things that like I'm I'm proud of that I'm proud of the way that I can bring energy into a space and hopefully make it more positive and more fun and more freeing um and again you know it's it's and so I think I think there's there's still more opportunity for that for me to show that through my work and through my art um you said this in an interview at some point something along the lines of like I'm not queer because I like dudes I'm queer because of the way that I walk through the world is this what you're speaking to kind of yeah yeah I think I think um when I feel my strongest when I feel my most confident when I feel like I can just be my most authentic self um I feel like that is subversive in a way and it or has been in the past or it is it is a subversion of all the pressures that I put myself under and that we you know we as qu people we you know again women everybody puts themselves under as they're growing up um and so yeah I I I think I think that's absolutely an essential part of that and it's and it's it's why people call it a superpower right uh because I I really do think like it allows you to see more of the world and to speak to more of the world in a way that you wouldn't if you if you didn't have you know have to have that right that like hyper vigilance you grew up partly in Denver right before so yeah so I was born in Colorado and then yeah moved to Texas in Middle School like the middle of sixth grade culture shock yeah yeah which is like the worst time to be a person anyway you know like to be to be an 11 12-year-old um is wild and I don't recommend it um just skip over that just skip over that if you can we actually don't have Middle School in Canada and I think it's for the better like it sounds like from everybody else I know like Middle School is just this like incredibly we just don't go to school for 3 years yeah I was about to say is is it is it like is it like elevators that skip the 13th floor like we just elementary school goes later and then and then High School okay yeah that's that's that's here's the thing I can also see that going the other way which is that suddenly you have sixth graders famously the worst people in the world um being the top of the food chain um and maybe that's also kind of dangerous yeah in in in an elementary school setting um but I mean I got bullied for a couple of years so that but also I mean you know Canadian culture of NCIS maybe helps to fight that off not when you're 10 yeah no yeah nobody's god um but yeah yeah so I I moved I moved um and you're not out no no no no absolutely not but but um I do start to get a reputation for being girly um um which was something that I hadn't I mean you're sort of it's so weird because when you know I I I don't think that like yeah I was I was gay as you know like nobody's gay when they're pre besing nobody's anything you know um you're just a kid you just you just enjoy what you enjoy um you know like I really liked playing with dolls with my sister um because I liked the storytelling um yeah it's more interesting yeah it's more interesting they you know they were they were again forming governments like it's it's really wild um uh but yeah but so that was sort of the first time that I was met with the reality that and because it's because I really liked this girl um and I was sitting behind her in our like pre-algebra class or whatever we were taking at sixth grade and uh she was passing notes with this other guy and and he had written to her hey do you like Zayn and she was like no he's too girly and I and then she looked back and she's like did you see that and I was like no um but it's so funny how that was like the first formative thing because I will say like I wasn't a loud person I wasn't very expressive so like it's not like people were coming at me and bullying me all the time which you know uh obviously puts me moues ahead of so many people who've had to deal with so much right but I think that was the first time that I realized like oh gotcha I have to sand off my edges a little bit I have to neutralize myself I have to police myself a little bit right because because right now I am coming off um as as something different right I mean it's you know it's it's it's it's this thing when you're in middle school where people will find truly anything right they will and weaponize it yes exactly and so you know your survival tactic becomes have nothing be nothing you know like sort of become a non- entity and I think that was one of the the hardest parts about sort of coming coming out and coming into my own was trusting that some of those parts were still there and it was okay to revisit them you know and to sort of um to let yourself be a full entity yeah yeah cuz even even within the career Community I mean you know this like it's still more valuable to be masculine right it's still more valuable to come across a certain way like I know that I know that that's an archetype that I fil but at the same time you know I now I I I I really I try not to place myself in terms of in terms of my behavior in terms of how I come across because at the end of the day it's not it's not compatible with releasing the light you know it's not compatible with showing like the light the light doesn't filter it comes out or it doesn't come out you know and so yeah so so you know a big part of my thing is is is trying to to fre free myself from that and and also career-wise it can be scary to suddenly be like okay if I because that's the thing you don't know how big people's imaginations are the moment that you come across more fem right people start people that's that's the only thing that people can think about you and I'm not saying that that's always going to be the case but I do think it is the case now and so it's it's it's scary to release that part of yourself or to to to to show that part yourself because it is a very real part of me you know like I feel very comfortable in both my masculinity and my femininity which I know doesn't necessarily come across when people see me but I don't know but I think I think what you've talked to me and like you sort of know yeah yeah and I just feel like can we not just get to the place where we can allow us all straight gay male female non-binary wherever you are on the Spectrum like can we not just allow ourselves to be all all the things like it's like it's so it's so it's so tired you know exactly and and I'm sure people are tired of hearing about it you know what I mean like like I'm sure we all have better things to think about and talk about I don't want I don't necessarily like it's I don't want it to be the top of my brain for the rest of my life but I think we're still in a position where yeah I think it's not it's not the case where where anyone can can sort of come into a room divorced from you know the expectations plac on them whatever whatever whatever and so I'm like all right well then I got to be a little Annoying about it hell yes I mean you're never annoying be annoying about it okay we're running low on time and I'm I'm sensitive to that I'm very bad about time no you're such a good host and I'm derailing you you can just do it for four hours um uh I'm gonna ask one viewer question because we're short on time what is your favorite line dance to do oh um tough um you know what I think it's four on the floor actually oh my God I think four on the floor is really it's the it's it's that footwork that comes in the yeah it's the synop patient yeah yeah defin I think it's always the syn ofation and and it's it also doesn't kill me in the same way that like sin wagon does yeah um sin wagon's a killer yeah truly truly yeah speaking Turkish for anyone who like doesn't know what well if you're in LA or in New York or in get your ass to and we have to it's been I haven't been there for a while doing Grassroots marketing exactly exactly yeah you're welcome Sean um okay we play a little signature segment called am I doing it right okay great these are the questions that we are all asking ourselves great um what's one thing you've sort of spoken to this but maybe there's something else what's one thing that you're actively working on right now um um unclenching like surrender yeah yeah yeah um or basically being able to balance the hustle which is which is good and I think like a necessary part of getting what you want with also not not hustling towards the things that you can't control oh my God right so maybe yeah identifying what I can control and and focusing on that and letting go of the rest this is something that still confounds me that inner play of like to what extent should I be driven and ambitious and to what extent should I just be leaning into a sense of Stillness and being and knowing that it's enough and that I'm enough right and you don't want that to breed complacency but you don't want to be so focused on the outcome like it's really it's it's it's a tough balance for sure yeah and uh yeah okay what's one thing that you are happily bad at ooh um um honestly uh uh like a lot of sports you know I think um really yeah yeah I am I think if if any I'd love to be good at volleyball but everything else I don't care you know like tennis come on who cares who cares you know volleyball's the thing volleyball but volleyball's fine like people are always scoring you know it's like a a cute thing that you can do much anywhere yeah it's very social um I would like to get into that um but but yeah everything else can go we got to get you to some beach volleyball games I think so yeah we are in Venice yeah yeah oh yeah that happens here right a lot happens here um what is something that you outside of the obvious that you're really great at that you kill it at the secret Talent of sorts um I'm uh I'm I'm I'm a I'm a weirdly good like parrot like I can sort of sometimes and Frey Frey really is is the one who was always telling me about this he's always like he's always like you how do you do that like I I I I I can I can sometimes imitate vocal qualities and tambers pretty well oh my God I like does the team know does the world know that's a good question yeah I know leaning into that I I I I do have I have a pretty elastic voice yeah yeah do you want to give me something no no I can't I can't not on the spot but like I'll try to dance funkey you and see what happens I know well it's it's also it's all it's always ever in the moment you know like we'll hear something from a random Tik Tok and I'll and I'll imitate but yeah I don't know how it happens I don't I don't know how it works I have a friend who's very good at voices and I think he's always really good at voices but he becomes truly virtuosic when he has certain substances in his body yeah and then it's like I'm like can we just start the Tik Tok right now like I know I know you will have a viral following overnight that's the thing too is like I don't want like it needs to be a part of myself that is a surprise and that people don't expect from me cuz the moment that people expect a good impression to come out of your oh my God it's po then it then it bombs yeah yeah yeah it's absolute po okay well when I come over for Nancy Myers movie exact exct we'll have enough Martini exactly you will not be privy to it oh no I was talking to the audience oh yeah it's it's just for us yeah whichever camera I'm looking thank you for being here I love you I love you thank you for for having me what a what a delight I you had so many like notes and stuff I know so ridiculous this is where I need to do less work clearly yes one day never know but yeah um thank you to my guest the inimitable zann Phillips he's on Instagram at zanan yes yes and thank you for pronouncing it right I appreciate that I wondered um and go watch him in everything that he's in thank you to my wonderful crew thank you to you for watching thank you to Zin as always for hosting us um and thanks to the sponsor of this series eclipse. video it's really remarkable software that allows you to edit while you shoot if you're outside the industry that means nothing to you if you're inside the industry you realize how remarkable that is it's going to take over the world we're very excited um I love you go hug somebody find your stud country whatever that is go find the place that makes you feel like you are most in your power it is remarkable and life-changing we'll see you next time bye

Channel: Serena Smith

Views: 6,478

Keywords: self dicovery, life coach, education, teacher, self help, zane phillips

Id: YqW6j_LX8v8

Length: 53min 55sec (3235 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 01 2024