On Codependent Dating Relationships

[Music] we have talked about jealousy in dating relationships that was the main theme of episode 1177 but we've never really talked about codependency in dating that theme is also important the question came in to us from a young man no name was given hello pastor john thank you for the apj podcast i have been in a relationship where my girlfriend has come to depend on me to what feels like an unhealthy extent she spends less and less time with her friends even less and less time with her family and increasingly relies on me as her sole relationship this does not seem healthy to me is it and what should i do even though this young man doesn't say so i'm going to assume that part of what is behind this question is the prospect of marriage and the concern that this woman's excessive dependence on him might bode ill for what she would be like as a wife as a partner for a lifetime marriage is not an experiment it's a lifelong covenant it is good that the traditional wedding vows contain the phrase as long as we both shall live or till death do us part that kind of promise is biblically rooted it's right we should promise that at our wedding service so every man and woman who contemplates such a lifelong covenant should be looking for evidences of unshakable faith in christ and deep roots of christian character and strength of course no one is an infallible judge of faith and character no one but god which is why a christian man and a christian woman should be earnest in prayer that god would protect them from marrying someone who would destroy the marriage or who would make the relationship a dishonor to christ so the young man who asked this question is putting his finger on the criteria that we should look for when dating someone who could become our spouse he's putting his finger on what we might call this young woman's neediness now i'm in no position to judge on the particular issue of this woman that he's talking about i know so little about her and so many factors can shape a person's behavior i would be foolish to pass any judgment on her so let me just speak uh generally about what he should be looking for especially as it relates to spiritual or psychological neediness or what what he's referring to i think as codependency i have five suggestions based on five passages of scripture and since it's a a man who asked about a woman that he's dating i'll state these suggestions in terms of the kind of woman that he should be looking for even though in these five cases i think the same things apply to what a woman should be looking for in a man number one does she value jesus and her relationship to jesus as more precious than any other relationship she has philippians 3 7 whatever gain i had i counted as lost for the sake of christ indeed i count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing christ jesus my lord this is the most important question can you detect that you are number two in her life not number one can you discern that she would rejoice to be number two in your life not number one if the supremacy of christ is not firmly in place nothing else in the relationship will be properly in place number two has christ become so hope giving and so stabilizing and so satisfying for her that you can see whether her strengths and her identity and her stability are undermined or not by low points and high points of her life philippians 4 11 not that i'm speaking of being in need for i have learned in whatever situation i am to be content has she learned this i know how to be brought low and i know how to abound in any and every circumstance i've learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger abundance and need i can do all things through him namely christ who strengthens me do you see this kind of inner strength coming from her faith in christ so that she is functioning and fruitful as a person in the best of times and the worst of times number three it is not unchristian i'll just admit this it is not unchristian for a person to in faith in christ feel the need for another person there is a biblical kind of need which is not the same as neediness does she have the kind of need for you which is at root capable of honoring you not using you now here's where i'm getting that idea consider the peculiar way that paul argues in first corinthians 12 21 to 23 in describing relationships between christians in the body of christ he says this the eye cannot say to the hand i have no need of you on the contrary the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable and on those parts of the body that we think are less honorable we bestow the greater honor in other words he interprets the kind of need that a member of the body has for another member as a need which honors the other member that's really strange and wonderful that's a very unusual kind of need so the question for the young man is is this young woman's need for him the kind of need that paul's talking about does it have the capacity and the commitment not to consume him with neediness but to confer on him honor number four does she have the inner composure and resilience so that her joy in christ is not ruined if she is rejected by other people luke 6 22 blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you on account of the son of man rejoice in that day and leap for joy for behold your reward is great in heaven in other words the reward is supposed to be so deep so stabilizing so satisfying that rejection by people does not undermine the joy do you see evidence in her that she would respond the way paul does in first corinthians 4 12 when reviled we bless when persecuted we endure when slandered we entreat or do you see evidence that if she were treated that way she would be emotionally incapacitated finally number five does she have some track record of the paradoxical christian experience of sorrowful yet always rejoicing second corinthians 6 10 paul describes his own experience as sorrowful yet always rejoicing in other words no matter how real or painful the loss the bolder of god's joy beneath the waves of the sorrow never moves so those five questions i would ask in trying to discern whether the emotional and relational dependence in a dating relationship is dysfunctional or unhealthy or codependent and if as i can imagine your response to these kinds of questions is to say piper nobody nobody measures up to that standard my response is to be sure nobody is perfect in these five ways but a person who is truly born of god knows some measure of these things has tasted them and does not shrink back from such questions but really wants to grow in all these ways so look for this and may god give you discernment in the second biggest decision of your life thank you pastor john and we have a dozen or so episodes in the archive right now on dating relationships you can check them out or send a follow-up question of your own all the you do all that from our online home at desiringgod.org forward slash ask pastor john and not to mention we have many articles and books at the site too for those who are dating check those out well do angels walk among us today it's a classic bible question uh but one we haven't gotten to yet on the podcast until now the question is about hebrews 13 2 that texas says do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers for thereby some have entertained angels unawares so do angels walk among us today i'm your host tony reinke we will see you back here on monday for that have a great weekend you

Channel: Desiring God

Views: 57,622

Keywords: Desiring God, John Piper, God, Jesus Christ, Christianity, Christian Hedonism, Ask Pastor John, APJ, Codependent, Relationship, Codependent Relationship, Dating, Codependent Dating, Healthy, Disordered, Neediness, Singleness, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Husband, Wife, Marriage, Depend, Rely, Friend, Friendship

Id: jo-e6CoOYv4

Length: 11min 48sec (708 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 02 2021