olympics intimacy ban, intimacy after having a baby and other advice you asked for

what's up everybody welcome back to couple things with Sean and Andrew a podcast all about couples and the things they go through uh today it's about us though and kind of about you because we're doing another advice episode where you guys have submitted um your stories your questions your personal thoughts and feelings and we are going to respond to them just going to give you our hot take thoughts maybe provide a different perspective that's what we're here for maybe just thinking about something in a different way that you than you think about it for the longest time we always said we're not here to give advice we're not qualified and that's actually why I started my PhD in Psychology I think maybe maybe it's like a like a self-image problem where I don't feel qualified to give advice but now in this process I feel like you should learn that in your PhD that is a you thing well I uh am starting six more hours of credits good job this week we haven't talked about that great but I'm very excited talking about different issues like Behavioral Science group think yeah I'm learning a lot and I'm enjoying it and I like having one topic to dig into deeply yes and I like reading books but I also had to write two 25 page papers in one week and you got mad and I was like this is 100% your fault 100% well I wasn't complaining I was just upset fine line very fine line I also want to add new in the news that I read today was did you know they put an intimacy ban on the Olympic Village in 2020 in Tokyo tell me more they banned athletes from having naked time so they do say that that's one of the most uh like it's the most condoms distributed yes at that event more than any other event in the world that in nursing homes I I will say can I just add I have no personal uh experience here I was a child at the Olympics so I'm not I have no information on this I'm just going off what I've been told but they they actually like banned athletes from having in or like getting intimate in 2020 they have since as of today lifted that band for Paris and people don't know how to feel about it how do you feel about it uh this issue is near and dear to my heart is how I feel when we were when we were first a rabbit hole right now when we were first dating uh there was an article that came out on ESPN I'm I'm looking at it now uh I talking about this topic I believe it's called sex in the Olympic Village yes and who else is featured in that article but yours truly Shawn Johnson which is absolutely Twisted it is why would ESPN include me in this article when I was at the Olympic Village as a 16-year-old kid and they acknowledged that she was then 16 years old anyway we can link the article it's not about her uh naked time but it's funny that you're one of the few athletes mentioned in that article like that's Twisted so I was like pretty taken a back I was like all right I mean we're going to have to address this at some at some point um but what do I think about the issue as a whole you get a bunch of young 20 something together yeah in in like the Peak Physical shape they've ever been in in some ways it's not surprising in other ways though it's like you would think that you'd be the most focused on getting the job done of of your sport but I don't think that includes this I think it's the celebration so you do you you perform yeah because most of these athletes like might perform day two of the Olympics but be living in the village for 3 weeks yeah I bet there's some other nonsense Beyond just naked time that goes down you have a bunch of like you know people just hanging out not not having anything else to do they finally have concluded their training regimen that they what's the other stuff you think might go down there Andrew I don't know like I have no idea I have no idea I will say my first thought to the ban and now the like lifting of the band and like that it's a thing is like why do you all care why does anybody care like there like Cal differences so like yeah if if you're if you're the host country and it's it's more of a reserved culture then that would be an issue you know you you're you are extrapolating your cultural expectations from the US onto like Japan and it's a totally different we're not just talking about the us though we're talking about like that's what I'm saying every country partakes that's what I'm saying to you I know but my whole thought is why do you care what people are doing off like in their Pastime all you care about with the Olympics is like watching people compete well now we know that that's all you care about no that's what about what about sport being the thing that forms and shapes young people of character huh what about that Sean I don't know I think it's weird uh we're GNA start doing some personal debriefs and maybe some light topical discussion at the beginning of these episodes cuz we we did say we were going to give you advice but we just wanted to try that out I kind of like it I did you have anything else any other uh updates on your end um oh we started a gratitude Journal we did we did it's called the five minute Journal yeah it's good I like it our buddies from Aro who we interviewed Joey and Heath you can check out that episode just spoke at a church here in Nashville about doing a digital fast which then got us down this Rabbit Hole of how do we live more intentionally one of the things we're trying to do is like only use our devices when necessary for work purposes because you know this time we with our kids is fleeting so the Gratitude Journal is going to be our new way that we're hoping to start and finish each day yes uh we'll let you know how it goes yeah but should we dive in let's dive in okay we have 20 questions below um where you guys have asked for Our advice or our thoughts they're good they're interesting let's start with number one advice on battling resentment towards your spouse during the postpartum weeks have you ever felt that Andrew what is what is that word resentment and I'm not familiar with the whole concept um in full transparency Andrew and I have gone back into marriage counseling which I think is so beneficial um because postpartum can be so difficult the transition is difficult resentment how do you deal with it I think things like the Gratitude Journal help wow like finding little things throughout the day that re Center your perspective as to like what's actually the truth yeah not to get too philosophical but it's like it's not even what's the truth it's what's what's your perceived truth what what you're choosing to be true I think about if I'm reflecting on the postpartum periods that we've gone through um I think it requires the most amount of generosity of perspective and of intentions like I'm being generous with assuming Shan's intentions were XYZ and it like it's an aspect of almost being charitable too like uh like it it is an effort when she's short with me or like you know in the middle of the night when the baby's crying and you can't hear each other to like um to to give each other the benefit of the doubt it's super hard to do um it's where the most Grace is needed it's where the most patience is needed it's where the most forgiveness everything is needed but you're sleep deprived you're hormonal your entire life has changed your identity has changed so like when you put all that together can be really hard yeah it takes the most self-awareness too like okay you you didn't get as much sleep last night so now maybe you're coming off a little more short and then your spouse maybe tells you that and then you can either be defensive or you can be self-aware and say yeah you know I'm Pro I probably am that's that's where that there's so much effort required where it's like taking a pause not going with that initial instinctive like no I'm not tired just quit and it's just like oh you're on edge take a deep breath y yeah you're right I uh I have the self-awareness to know I didn't sleep well last night and I'm sorry I'm a little short and then it's the other person's job to be charitable in that but I also think like I also think it's a faith so just I I think it's this carry on you know keep keep put stacking days stacking days and the further away you get from the birth I think the further out of the woods of postpartum you get I will say to back to the 5 minute Journal props to doing this um each day you have to put like a daily affirmation for yourself and I don't know why I thought of this but what came to my mind today that I wrote in I think Falls in line with this and it's I just kind of thought of that phrase this too shall pass but then I also thought like don't miss it yeah because you can get so caught up in the postpartum phase of being like Oh it's just a phase it's going to be over just hold your breath and like it'll be it'll be done yeah but it's also one of the most special periods of time so yeah it is an art to try to be present I um the the journal we're doing we just found it on I just amazoned gratitude journals we're not like woowoo people I think if you've listened to any of our stuff you know that it's not we're not like yogis or like you know we're just people not a bad thing no but here's where we're at it's we're willing to try anything to to like um preserve our marriage and to make it the most meaningful it can be and to be the most intentional with our kids so we're trying this out I think it's it's really part of our um like red devotionals and then do that it's I view it as almost a prayer MH so side note okay next up how to talk to grandparents about quote showing up to my kids activities they live in town they just don't show up interesting that is interesting we kind of just talked about this as a family didn't we uh one thing that we learned from our siblings was like hey you should ask yeah don't assume that that your grandparents will show up the grandparents will show up cuz maybe they don't want to over step mhm right so say hey Mom would love for you to come to Little Billy's soccer game and then see what the response is from there I think if if there's like hesitation or uh I think an unwillingness to show up then that's a different issue but like you know do what you can which is ask invite them and I would also say something we learned with siblings and talking about this conversation with our parents as well is like be specific say this Friday Mom Dad at 400 p.m. Little Billy has a baseball game at this place can you please be there it would mean a lot to them like truly make it specific so there's no room for interpretation room for people to feel like they're missing or overstepping or whatever like make it specific and be like I want you there yeah I've been thinking recently about uh my unwillingness to have crucial conversations myself this maybe feels like conflict to some people maybe it doesn't feel like conflict to some people having the conversation with your parents about not showing up but like if it's important to you that they're there then have the conversation cuz you're either going to have that awkwardness or pain of having an uncomfortable conversation or you're going to have the the long-term resentment that is also painful yeah so like you know pick your poison next up advice for toddler Behavior changes after having a baby going from sweet and gentle to hitting in Tantrums this one makes me sad your kid's life has just been turned upside down literally upside down so however they're acting out it's an they're acting out in like a desperation of hanging on to the life that they know and even though it might be hard or they might be acting out in ways that you don't agree with you have to like take them by the hand squeeze their little face spend time with them and like reassure them that they still have their Mommy and Daddy they still like get their time they still get attention there they still have value they still are important like you they're little babies they they want to know that this new kid isn't taking their place uh I think this is something you and I struggle with was our kids I think at the end of the day they want your attention right so if they get your attention from being helpful and going to get diapers or you know playing with toys or if they get your attention from uh hitting in Tantrums all they want is your attention so trying to be really diligent with saying hey I'm going to give them attention with these things that I want to encourage mhm but also not freak out and give them that quote unquote attention when they aren't behaving cuz then that'll kind of just like be almost become an echo chamber if they're like oh when I act out then I finally get my parents' attention so it's like it's it's definitely a longer game and and harder but but also realizing it would be it's normal for your kids to be acting out with the transition of a new baby so don't ignore them cuz that would make the situation worse if all they're doing is acting out don't just ignore the acting out yeah sorry I'm not saying that yeah yeah you have to like I'm saying give more attention give even more attention to the other things yes but truly see them and just because they're older and maybe more self-sufficient don't feel like they don't need as much time with you as they did before cuz they do hey but also you're doing a great job I want to say that too the fact that are even curious about this you're doing a great job yeah so don't get all down on yourself um okay how can I stay motivated to work out every day my motivation is at an all-time low that's totally fine you don't need to work out every day that would be a grind that would be a grind yeah you don't need that and did you know a workout could just be like going outside and going for a little walk that constitutes to work out what are your thoughts on this babe um it sounds like you don't have any motiv because the working out that you were doing was something that you fell out of love with so try something new go for a walk jump on a trampoline join a roller skating Derby uh try hiking try something new but I feel like we get this idea in our minds that working out has to be in a gym on a treadmill lifting weights doing burpees whatever it is going to a yoga class it doesn't it could be so many different things yeah also maybe maybe working out with a friend or a group of people could help I don't know if this person has kids or not but it's like motivation is almost a a feeling right and feelings are so variable so we're kind of writing a book on this actually TBD but like what are the commitment mechanisms that you can put in place to uh achieve your goals and I'm not saying that working out is the most important thing but if you feel like this is a phase of life where you need to focus on that then like commit to certain things that give you the highest probability of making that happen so like if you're if you go over to your neighbor's house and say hey every morning at 6:00 a.m. let's go on a jog then now your neighbor who's right there m is an accountability partner or you know like there's there's different ways to go about it I think understanding that working out is not the most important thing in life again there's phases um is also important so balance perspective builds longevity in the whole thing don't burn yourself out or get super discouraged just realize that tomorrow's a new day next as an only child how can I create a stronger relationship with my sister-in-laws interesting that's interesting how qualified are you only child um I I absolutely adore my sister-in-laws and I think I've learned a lot from them because all of them have siblings so I'm the only only child in the family um so I've just learned a lot from them in the questions that they ask me and how they interact with me of like what they're comfortable with as a sister like that sibling dynamic because I didn't I never experienced it and I would just say how can you what you ask him questions I don't know how to say how do I say this um so picture growing up in a household without siblings and only having friend relationships there are boundaries with friends of like what's too far what's too much what's too intimate what's too vulnerable you don't have that like de there's no relationship as deep as like a sibling right right yeah and so when I married into this family and I had all these sisters sister-in-laws I was like I don't know like what do we talk about since we're sisters not friends like it's a it's a new relationship I've never experienced that I had to learn interesting does that make sense yeah and I kind of just learned by observation and I have the best sister-in-laws in the world who just plow right through I mean the very first time I met my future sister-in-law we shared a bed together in a hotel um but how can you create a stronger relationship spend more time be more vulnerable ask more questions and lean on them like truly lean on them as if they are your sisters because they are yeah building a strong relationship that's really interesting I have been thinking about the power of asking some a favor mhm and that practice in a lot of ways uh builds a stronger relationship so like I think it shows humility it invites the other person in it's endearing because you know it's like now you're going to probably do this activity together I think it increases the amount of communication you have because all right so like this is something my brother did really well with my dad that I I did not do but built a stronger relationship with my dad by ask asking him hey Dad our uh our do all squeaky or it's office hinges can you come over and help so like the do whatever it's it's insubstantial and inconsequential but now dad's going to go over to his house they're going to call about you know when when works to come over there do I need to bring any tools that that that is like an interaction that otherwise would not have happened and then now they have like this little memory that Dad a month from now can be like hey JD how the door mhm so it's like ask favors mhm and it goes a long way and trust them yeah uh did we answer that question I'm not sure yeah you have four you have four new sisters is that right I do best Andrea Katie Zoe I have four sisters yo our family is hyp D I freaking love is amazing all every single four sisters and I have three brothers dang talking about each saying their names puts a smile on my face cuz each one is so awesome yeah yeah um okay sex life after baby while breastfeeding you're saying mine is basically non-existent eight months postpartum H what we three months both fum yeah we've had several naked times not many but several we've done we've done well we've had two and a half I'm kidding I'm K I think we've had more than that I agree no I I I don't count though yeah that was weird I just I just want to say some number and a half you wanted to say a half yeah okay um what does that even mean I don't know I think it is a period of time that's awkward uncomfortable inconvenient you're like redating your spouse your body is weird it's still in the postpartum phase breastfeeding is awkward cuz you are leaking or like it's just awkward and I think it's a time where you kind of have to like how do I say like be sacrificial a little bit I don't know how to say that like if you're postpartum and you're not feeling yourself that's also like not 100% fair to your spouse to just be like well I'm I'm not in the mood for eight months does that make sense yeah it I mean after having just talked about postpartum depression it's like yeah of course there's less sex in the postpartum period yeah it's like there's already tension there's so much transition there's less time there's more logistical concern whatever uh yeah I think um in some ways it's almost like uh an engine that you need to Prime first and like the the it's like it builds momentum is what I'm saying so maybe the first step is sacrificial to use your your term not the first step the first interaction is sacrificial but then it's like oh hey you know now we're feeling a little more connected next time feels less sacrificial and the momentum the momentum builds so but getting to that first one or actually the first like I don't know let's just say five doesn't feel super romantic no you're it yeah it's you just got to like work on it you're saying it's something that you need to do I think you should it's super I I don't disagree with you because how do I explain this I feel like there's this weird period of time postpartum towards the end of pregnancy where like you get a little bit more distant from your husband we've talked about this you become more Mom and Dad less husband and wife and if you let that time just continue to build of being less husband and wife and more mom and dad and more roommates or more friends or more co-parents and you just like kind of let it build it gets harder to like make a move be intimate break through that barrier so it's like if you can kind of start cutting into that time frame cuz like you get 8 months into it where your sex life is non-existent then it becomes like strangers it becomes harder to like initiate because your routine you're used to something else I'm trying to think of an analogy best I got is Playdoh if you leave it out of the container too long it doesn't it becomes less malleable does that make sense yeah uh interesting I'm working on the any words associated with Playdoh potentially could be wrong I also think just check the uh what do you call that pronoun the mine is that a pronoun check your check your tents I was never good at language but instead of it's not my sex life it's our sex life yeah just a little perspective shift next advice on the best games if you're just starting out with a game night with your friends let's freaking go game night is the best I think let's go I'm feeling like next month might be our first come back don't push it okay maybe maybe two months we're in a postpartum uh desert with not just naked time but also with game night so but we're not okay it cheeky I know uh spoons I think that's the best game night game to start with spoons or um shoot what's the detective one that we played why can't I think of it what in the heck detective one it's cornhole obviously one bottle bash is awesome what's the one is the game of the decade babe come on werewolf oh I freaking love werewolf werewolf is too complicated for a first time game night I agree Ticket to Ride no the one where you have to clue not clue the one where I say a word and then you have to say the associated words Sean for five oh oh my God gosh are you serious why can't we think of this I'm going to find it please hold I'm just going through board games right now wow those are old time board games it's like the yeah what about catchphrase would be great um we did this game code names names there we go so those are all great we got to move on um we have a whole game night uh kind of workbook or no procedure that we have it's a how two host a game night I also think we've never shared that I also think one of my favorite games we've ever played is that dice game where you have to write Midnight Madness look that up yeah like it's wild wild it's like ultimate Panic feeling okay um next question can you be quote too close with your parents what are the boundaries there H I think I have a different perspective on no um yes yes you think yes go ahead um I have two thoughts one biblically speaking make sure you like leaving cleave your spouse needs to be your priority so when you get married you need to like leave your parents and make your spouse your number one so the two close in my opinion would be if you're still confiding in your parents over your spouse that's too close I agree then you aren't like truly honoring your marriage the second with boundaries would be just like making sure you have space as husband and wife in space like I don't know no that's the only thing I would think of I I agree with your uh understanding that your our family now yeah takes priority yeah it's still a really really special treasured relationships with your parents and it can be super close but it should not be go ahead keep going what I have another thought no you got it uh on that same exact thought of like make sure you're prioritizing your marriage over your parents um a rule that Ander and I have in our marriage that we are taught by our premarital counselor that I feel like we've done a really good job with it's something that means a lot to us is don't ever speak poorly of your spouse to your parents and it's because your parents will always take your side and you don't want your parents to have any resentment or ill will towards your spouse y it doesn't do anybody any good next okay best book to read before becoming a firsttime parent if you had to choose only one there's about five that come to mind and we have done these in newsletters as well if you want to see a more extensive list and I've not put this this one on that list yet my answer would be the meaning of marriage by Tim Keller yeah and I say that in light of our recent situation where you realize parenting really can be the most joyful amazing magical experience or it can be the most stressful divisive uh drag like it can be and I think the quality of the marriage determines that so the meaning of marriage for us was pivotal and understanding how to navigate that what do you think I will say I agree 100% I think you should read that book I think it's amazing um one of my favorite books that I read just speaking as a firsttime parent in my mind that goes to like firsttime pregnancy first time Mom I really liked the mama natural only because it explained so much of what you go through that was it I did not read that book so cannot recommend it no next advice it wouldn't be for you to read okay advice for our geography conflict my family lives in California my spouse's family is in Ohio how do we choose which set of parents to live by wow the problems of modern day dating huh or like people go off to different states to go to college and then they meet their spouse and then yeah it's a little more complicated now that happened to us um it did happen to us what we just chose a third we did a third City neutral location that was decently close to both of our families yep and also you were an only child but San Diego and Ohio was pretty hard I don't know where you got San Diego it's really interes I guess you're thinking about that consciously just I was thinking of guy and Andrea they were San Diego and Indiana uh I think it's really hard I think you have to have a lot of conversations about it I like how we did it because we like chose a third City neutral location to like form our foundation and our family now we're having more conversations about like where do we want to end up with kids long term um that's hard it's very hard here's my hot take rule of thumb you should move to the location where the primary caregiver for the children is most supported do you agree with that whoever's with the kids more and most and has to do the schools and the friends and that's where you should move what do you think I agree you don't agree I do agree no you don't I do agree I also think it's more complicated I think it's more complicated because Andrew and I have had these conversations a lot and it's a very hard conversation to have because at the end of the day someone's like sacrifice sacrificing um but I think it becomes a question of like kids what's best for your kids I agree period so so I feel like we're going to have a follow-up combo on maybe Sunday all right any tips to not be defensive in an argument and to be a better listener wow man repeat what the other person said before you respond we learned that it like immediately disarms you and a counselor taught that so like if Andrew is telling me how he feels or something I first need to respond to him and summarize what he said yeah so it's like I hear you saying XY and Z because it gives him the opportunity to say oh no you actually interpreted that not how I meant it and it makes me actually listen to him instead of form a defense as he's speaking Yeah and it forces you for the first thing that you say as a listener to not be defensive and to rather be almost like uh encouraging and and like welcoming to what that other person is saying that's so freaking hard though I do we do that don't know no I don't know the answer to this question yeah cuz so easily for me in an attempt to not be defensive I'll just be apathetic almost or be quiet yeah and then that also doesn't do the conflict or conversation any good uh because you know it's a two-way street mhm so the one person should not just be quiet it's very very hard I don't know please share your tips for those listening I'm looking straight at the camera please please was that too dramatic yeah okay next one uh weaning off the pacifier when it feels impossible how do you do it well it took us a few attempts with true um people get on such high horses with pacifiers no kid is going to college with a pacifier it's totally fine also so like chill out about it yeah like okay maybe it warps their teeth a little bit but they're just starter pack teeth to be replaced by adult teeth later so yeah I'm not that concerned about it I'm not either and people have gotten on us because we allow our kids to have pacifiers to like they're three which also they're three it's just three um the way we did it with Drew is but our kids look like they're seven so they do anyway there's that yeah people are like why does your seven-year-old have a pass if you're seven I had a pacifier until I was six I literally had a conversation with Santa about my pacifier wow yeah and I gave it away when I was six and I never had braces and I'm just perfectly fine guys anyways the way we did it with Drew we tried it when she was two it didn't work it just didn't work um she was not emotionally ready for it I just posted a video on that that was hilarious shine did this whole fairy thing where she she took all the paes put them in a bag hung them from a tree the fairy came and got it left a present I think I got a clip of Sean saying oh my gosh I can't believe we're finally doing it drew was so excited and it fast forward about five minutes meltdown we give her the paci and then it took like five more months yeah but um when she was three I felt like she mentally could understand it better so we talked about it a lot we talked about like giving it to babies who really needed it um it just kind of got her into a place where she was better with it it took two nights where I would cuddle with her and kind of sleep with her just for like comfort and then she was perfectly fine so I think just understanding you don't have to force it just like wait till your kids's ready we did hear about I guess it's a system where the you buy a a kit of paes that progressively get smaller yeah have you heard that yeah anyway I've heard that's worth for other we also tried with Drew to like poke the hole in the paci and stuff and she'd just be like it's broken yeah I need a new one so all right next navigating singleness when all you want is a husband and family it's so hard it's going to be okay yeah it's going to be okay don't find yourself desperately looking for a husband I don't think it works that way I think you need to find peace in yourself first and in doing that you'll find a partner does that make sense yeah I'm just trying to evaluate how true it is no offense it does make sense I don't know this gets harder and harder like if the the longer you go a single I think gets more difficult for a couple reasons one is that the pool shrinks right everyone else pairs up um I guess my first thought is like get involved and committed to things where you might interact with a potential spouse so like don't just go home and think about how sad you are cuz you don't have a spouse build your hobbies build your interest you're going to be more interesting on the next day as a result and you're also going to get involved in clubs or groups or teams where you might end up meeting that person that's my thought also go to church that's what I would say yeah go to church any other thoughts on that no but it's going to be okay I do want you to know know that um next up supporting your spouse when they're not getting along with their own parents what is my role as a spouse in that that feels a little confused for me what do you mean it's it's not fun to not get along with your parents but when you're asking what is my role as a spouse in that I would say Your Role is spouse I think it's confusing to me because like you should be each other's number one like confidants teammates hypen cheerleaders supporters so you should be like the person they're leaning on yeah I think when in doubt the right decision is always what brings you in closer Community with other people so the right decision decision is not to uh take sides against the parents like and be really uh territorial or like defensive you should support your spouse and maybe not really get involved in on the parent side you know just support your spouse yeah be a listening here yeah it's hard I feel like I need more context next when you're feeling lost or miserable after achieving a big goal in life how do you find Clarity and peace again holy smokes that's a big one I have a very simple answer you put too much of your identity in your big goal and not enough in God it's a Biblical answer it is a religious answer I apologize but that's how I feel H how did you miss gold medalist I thought an Olympic gold medal from the way soet talked about it would take care of everything in life it would make me feel fulfilled complete whole literally like Society puts such a weight on success for like completing you and I got there and I was like wow what do I do now because this doesn't feel I don't feel euphorically complete and I think it's because I put my identity in it and I put too much weight on it it was amazing it was the most wonderful accomplishment I achieved it but like if who I am is put into a medal then that's pretty I don't know shallow yeah I think of was saying it's not a it's about the journey not the destination and I think this is part of why that concept is important like uh it's an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure so now that you're having to retroactively answer this question how do I find Clarity and peace since I put all my eggs in this basket of finding or of achieving my big goal and I did that and I got nothing now what happens it's easier to like to cure that along the way um but yeah it's also interesting what what is the biggest goal and and why do you feel like you haven't achieved that so you why did you get derailed from what your biggest goal is whether that's like okay I made $10 million but now I don't have any friends what your biggest like what was your biggest goal which of those two so don't lose sight of the most important things is what I'm I'm trying to say mhm my personal experience was with this was exactly how it's written like I felt very lost I felt very miserable after achieving the Olympics and finding Clarity and peace it took me like my biggest fear and insecurity at the Olympics in that phase of life was like am I enough am I worthy basically and it took me me not working not having money not having like a title to my name being a normal person that learned that I was like lovable by by Andrew that I was still enough for my god um that's how I found the clarity and peace again is like if you stripped all that away are you still happy so it's almost like a a spiritual or self-image issue of how do how do you see yourself that's fascinating um I also think of the importance of mentors or friends or family sitting down with them and saying hey what do I do now you know seeking advice goes back to building stronger relationships too hey can I can I ask you a favor and sit down with you to get advice that'll I don't know at least give you something to do but congrats on achieving your big goal next how can I support my wife when she's overwhelmed with our new baby but I'm working all day yes that's a good question um Sean it's hard to know an answer to that because that's not our experience and I don't know your exact situation uh my first thought is can you help her find a friend or some some sort of support system during the day um I'm also aware that that could require fi like something financially which not everybody has um finding a friend I'm saying like finding support during the day yeah just to give her space to step away yeah I think also if you're gone at night or during the day maybe take the nights for her to feel more supported so she's more rested during the day empath empathy is the first word that comes to mind just like understand that it's a lot of work so being there I think being her friend it is a pretty isolating experience those first couple months we talk about but uh uh also the idea of being hospitable so in whatever way you can try to think of her before she gets there we talked about that in the John and Ashley March Marsh interview but uh that thoughtfulness goes a long way I think next advice on finding your passion or Hobbies after kids I kind of lost myself and don't know what I enjoy doing for fun anymore I feel that I feel that uh I'd say try new things try a bunch of things we had someone tell us to make a list no it was just me actually I needed um a mentor told us that I needed to go on a hunt for new hobbies because I couldn't tell you what I en enjoy doing for fun either and it was like to make a long list of hobbies and work on trying each one once or twice to see what I want to like start doing for fun yeah I think you got to Tinker around try it out be willing to fail start over you got this any tips for a successful longdistance marriage or relationship in general we've never done long you went on a six-month tour our first year marriage mhm uh I think you got to go out of your way to like connect mhm yeah I am really bad at like when I'm with another group of people face to face with them nobody else in the world exists which is simultaneously an awesome quality and a terrible one it is so I us like I did a sixday rafting trip for a buddy's bachelor party he didn't exist on the face of the earth I did I was able to call you a couple times and I did uh but I did not call you often no so I don't think we would Thrive long distance considering we spend every waking second of the day together but we're also pretty good on our own that's what's interesting we're great on our own but like now as a family yeah I would say communication yes go out of your way to connect be thought of make sure the other person knows you're thinking of them um Sean and I used to simultaneously watch movies together oh on FaceTime yeah that was fun that was fun ready okay I'm at I'm at 2153 ready go that was when we were dating and we were long distance that was fun all right two more meals to help keep up milk supply I don't really know all I've been told is like calories substance and hydration so like protein vegetables like make sure you have some nutrition in there get in your caloric intake and drink a lot of water yeah from a volume standpoint yeah that feels right as I sit here while my stomach is growling so loud that you might be able to hear it we'll go get lunch afterwards how to still love a friend when you really disagree with them about something such as parenting who they're dating life decisions Etc uh I think it's important to like if if you're a close friend to share your perspective mhm I think that's really important gently and lovingly um I I also have been trying to evaluate what my definition of friendship is because I've been challenged that I might not be a good friend I'm actually working through this myself like what does it mean to be a good friend sometimes I feel like I'm just in ships where it's convenient or fun and when they don't be when they're not fun anymore then I'm less inclined to like want to talk to that person and there's such beauty in the Battle of like fighting through these little conflicts that makes that actually a meaningful relationship I feel like I have really good friends M I feel like I have fantastic siblings that like that that barrier to exit is established lished but I also know that there are friends in my life where it's like oh hey uh it's easier if I don't get involved in this MTH I think there's probably different levels levels and I don't know if I'll communicate this well I think loving a friend is loving them for who they are so you don't want to love them only if they don't keep listening to rap music because you don't agree with the lyrics or whatever it is I don't know does that make sense like you should love them St differences yeah you can vote for different people you can have different religious beliefs you can do all these things and still love them for who they are you can disagree with their opinions on things and still love them for who they are I think that's very important that you should love them as wholeheartedly as possible now if it gets to be a relationship where their differences or their choices are causing harm to them your relationship or yourself you can still love them from a distance like we have both personally had friends where we've had to say you know what I love you I support you and I will be there for you if you need it but spending time with you is harmful to our marriage or to our kids or whatever it is so you have to like put more distance between you man that's a really unpleasant and challenging process I'm thinking of mhm yeah uh yeah I think there is a process though to to get to that point where it's like you should confront them this is biblical then you confront them with a group of people if there's do if there's harm involved um and then next steps can be taken but anyway all right we'll end there thank you for listening hope you were able to take something away from our advice maybe learn something new get a little different perspective or think wow they have a lot to work on but also curious if you have something to add leave a comment we love when our I mean reading some of the YouTube comments are awesome I love that's like one of my favorite Parts about what we do is seeing other people interact um we're just trying to start conversations which means you can carry on the conversation uh and also thanks as always for trusting us with your questions uh we're not professional so we hope we did okay and if you made it this far and you haven't yet please subscribe to the show give it a rating um we're just glad to be here and we're grateful you are too so love you guys very appreciative and we'll see you next week that's all we got I'm Andrew I'm Shan we the East fam out

Channel: FamilyMade Media

Views: 72,925

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Id: rJLQd212DgU

Length: 54min 8sec (3248 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 27 2024