I don’t know why one says the things one does or what one chooses to reveal... I don’t know... I don’t think it has anything to do with courage. I certainly hesitate, generally, to talk about things. Or I used to before you got hold of me. Because one doesn’t want to impose on other people. You don’t want to discolour their lives. You don’t want to ‘sick up on them’ if you like. So you keep it close, you keep it close. But at the same time I think that we could talk to each other about the things that hurt us. And if we do I think we would understand each other much better. It’s by the difficult and sad and bad experiences that we learn. Anticipating one day having a child what bothered me, from the moment I began thinking about it, was the pain that would be involved in giving birth. Because one read stories of women writhing in agony. And I gave birth without barely a twinge. I mean it was quite extraordinary. After years and years of tensing myself up about this pain, this dreadful thing that happens to women when they give birth... suddenly I got a baby... more or less like that. So that was for me the easy part. What happened afterwards was far from easy. Of course every experience is different. This is the problem. And I can only tell you what happened with mine which was that I was suddenly faced with a little creature that was screaming and crying. And I had no idea how to stop it or what to do to make it stop. Looking back, I remember being totally isolated. Partly because of the expectations that you would know what to do and how to do it. And that you would enjoy it. We’re expected to be loving and maternal. And very often the reality is quite different. For some of us it doesn’t come naturally. For some of us it’s a shock, a huge shock. And quite devastatingly unexpected... unexpected. It was a nightmare that went on for months and months and months. You are so stretched as a human being and as a woman and as a person. I would make a bed, tears would be streaming. I would wash up, tears streaming down me. Change the nappy, buckets of tears the whole time. And the whole world was grey, there was no colour in it. There was absolutely no colour in the world at all. And it makes it impossible for bonding to happen. It’s impossible to bond... with anybody come to that, when you’re in that state. I didn’t have any friends. I didn’t want my husband anywhere near me. My mother tried to help but... It’s almost indescribable. And so I went to the doctor. And I said, ‘What’s wrong with me? I need help.’ And he said to me, ‘You just haven’t accepted’ ‘being a mother and a wife.’ And I felt really rotten. And I thought well, maybe he’s right... maybe he’s right. Very recently, at a visit to my wonderful chiro lady, I was talking to her about relationships. And she said, ‘It sounds as though you had post partum depression’ ‘like a lot of other women.’ And I said, ‘Excuse me?’ ‘I have never ever heard of post partum.’ ‘What is it?’ So she said to me, ‘You must go and look it up.’ I had never even heard of it. And I mean I’m not ignorant. I’m fairly literate and interested in what’s going on in the world. And suddenly there was this state that we women can get into as a result of giving birth, which was completely unknown. You can get it no matter what kind of a person you are, or what kind of a mother you are, or how maternal you are or not. It’s biological and it’s sociological. So your surroundings and your physical make up, what happens to your body when you give birth, those are the two major factors in producing post partum depression. Added to that you have the child ingredient. And if the child is an unhappy child, unhappy baby, then that again adds to the scenario a thousand fold. A lot of it was my fault because when I was carrying her, I was very unhappy. And I think that’s why my daughter cried so much. I think while I was carrying her she knew I was not happy and she took it on board. And for that, I really really love her and am sorry. That was another thing women didn’t know. We didn’t know about the baby reacting while it’s in the womb. We knew you shouldn’t smoke. And we knew you shouldn’t drink and take drugs. But we didn’t know that the mother’s emotional state would affect the baby... we just didn’t know. Maybe a few people did, but your average woman had no idea, we had no idea. To have to admit responsibility for a lot of pain in someone else. It’s all very well to admit it for oneself, but... I’ve carried this sense of guilt for the things I did do and the things I didn’t do with my child all my life, ever since she was born. And I blame myself for nearly everything bad that she feels or that she maybe goes through because she lacked that bonding as a baby and a child. But I was so excited and so released when I found out about PPD that I felt sure that it could also give her some release and some understanding of what had happened. Why what happened, happened. It’s a door opening into potential growth and the letting go of pain... the letting go of pain that one has carried. My relationship with my daughter from my side, I don’t know about my daughter’s side, but totally from my side, changed the moment I discussed it with her which was only a few weeks ago. I really, really hope it’s changed for her too. Because it is an explanation. So for me it is a cleansing. And I do feel better after it. I feel more grounded if you like. Because you carry these things and they’re like hot air balloons. They can burst at any moment. And you’re not real. It’s difficult to explain, but in some ways there’s an unreality if you carry these things inside you and you don’t talk about them. And of course, they don’t get any smaller or any better by not talking. And quite possibly they get bigger and bigger without one realising it which is why I got very emotional when I finally said it, said it out loud you know. In one way it’s very hard to discuss it with one’s daughter. It’s painful at the time and sad and horrible in a way, to talk about it. But I think that’s where the power of love comes in. A very deep love... even though you may not be aware it’s coming from there. But I think if you care enough. And I think caring is related to love. I think it’s a close relative. My daughter is very loving towards me. No matter what a bitch I’ve been, she has always been loving. Love is such a powerful thing. Her love for me is very powerful. The power of love and caring is just indescribable. And it can move mountains and it does move mountains. Love is all... I think that is my current mantra. Love is all.
