NOOB'S GUIDE to MALUS DARKBLADE

welcome to a new guide to malice Darkblade this is malice Darkblade the tyrant have had grief and in Warhammer the Dark Elves are basically Canadians which makes them a power addicted skid from upcountry who tried to take down a big city slam and instead hoovered some demon schneef and wound up an even bigger DJ than before malice dark blade is the bad boy dark elf who encouraged a generation of female readers to again fix the bad boy Lestat Oh Who am I kidding no curls read this stuff these videos have like 98% male viewers malice darkblade is the epitome of teenage male edgy power fantasies where his only goal is for the world to recognize how awesome he is complicating this is the fact that he must wrestle with changes in his body that he can't control while struggling to find his place in society it's a puberty metaphor malice darkblade is basically 13 reasons why personified he refuses to give up even when it's a bad idea and pushes everyone around him to their deaths for his own amusement and yet despite this malice is a character that is still fun to read and you root for him even though he's a villain because somehow he manages to show growth over his book series even when Games Workshop only publishes stories written by a roomful of monkeys with typewriters so what you're left with is a character who doesn't know the meaning of the word quit who struggles on in the face of insurmountable odds sometimes with or without a soul and little things like the skin that covers his body all because of a greater desire to prove himself and if that's not a metaphor for life in the 21st century then I don't know what is malice dark blades back story starts off as typical Dark Elf drivel because as I mentioned before in the world of Warhammer Fantasy the Dark Elves are basically Canada and there's nothing more Canadian than an emo Sodom masochist who spends too much time listening to Marilyn Manson in high school and never went outside without his leather duster from the matrix so you couldn't tell if he was playing with himself or a Glock under his black jacket on second thought the Dark Elves might be American there's just a confusing lack of guns the bastard child of the general of hack grief someone at games workshop read Game of Thrones and life the idea that all their northern bastards were called snow and thought what is the most generic evil thing I can co-op to call my elves well I know dark blade and frankly it's such poor writing I refused so malice dim horn here grew up exemplifying all the virtues expected of a drew key unscrupulousness cruelty cunning and ambition poisoning him to become a commander of dark elven armies or a warehouse manager at Amazon but malice black saber wouldn't become the next ruler of hat grief without power so he set off into the chaos waste in search or Treasury to buy his way into high society mouse pitch daggers Wikipedia pages almost as long as John Holmes Johnson so I'm not going to cover the whole thing here instead I'm gonna assume that despite most of your YouTube comments you do know how to read and encourage you to check out the books but the high note of his series is when in his greed he accidentally unleashed the demons our kin from the realms of chaos which is sort of like going to Disneyland when your kid has measles and now after a series of wacky Odd Couple style murderous hijinks and escapades the comedic duo of zarkan and malice begin the game with the demon threatening to forever drink malice dim knifes eternal soul and doom endeavor betcha will torment but lucky for you malice gloom sword has proven to his boss Malekith the witch-king that having an interdimensional STD does have its perks for one he never feels alone anymore as the demon's voice is constantly taunting him inside his head though this voice that's in game must be region-specific because mine sounded a bit like Foghorn Leghorn if you're wondering why my demons are can sounds like he sits around sipping mint juleps on the front ports of its plantation it's because you begin the vortex and mortal Empire campaigns on the far sides of the Warhammer world in the deepest Southlands which brings us till the elephant in the room malice dust cleaver here isn't in not Africa for a safari one of games workshop's parting shots to the colonies was to cast them as marauding slavers who only seek their own pleasure and the destruction of all this is beautiful in the world in the name of capitalism and democracy I mean evil evil obviously so your campaign is malice Shadow shank I kid you not has you collecting slaves to send back to the New World so they can then be used to mine and craft goods to be sold to the old world to fund the witch Kings Wars and then higher generals to go back to the Southlands to pick up more slaves which means you're personally helping to perpetuate the triangle trade in this campaign now that is slammed against a capitalistic enterprise and somehow it actually gets worse as this DLC also comes with new units to help collect Mouse's exportable goods the first is the new high beasts master general who gives buffs to every kind of monster in the Dark Elf roster so you can field your own crass menagerie though he loses points in my book for not having two ferrets BDSM gear and a creepy eyeball ring instead this beast master rides around on a dinosaur drawn chariot or Manticore with a bonus to ante large and combat and I'm sure that's what the whip is for you know spanking the big guys and the chariot definitely not whipping slaves even though it's in their original description and accompanying him is the new Dark Elf hero unit oh man I really don't want to say this the masters we call them masters sea masters is upstanding boys of unimpeachable character from good families and noble houses doing the best they can to get ahead and serve they sweet home of Alabama girls and of course parts of that is keeping your slaves in order but it's a tiny part now so don't you go denigrating what makes today's society human it is an institution so don't you be talking bad about none of them a garage these dreadlords in the making haven't proven themselves in battle yet so they're eager to show off in hopes of taking future commands in battle they're a nice tanky option that helps hold the line and on the campaign map they encourage growth wherever they are and help reduce the loss of slaves so I guess that makes them the good masters slaves have always been a part of the dark elf economy and Warhammer - and they were even part of Dillon's mechanic and throne said Britannia but they've never felt so front and center I'm making jokes about it here but really there's no denying you are playing the baddies in this game you even start with a slaving black arc ship right off the coast ready to whisk people away so if you play as malice foggy rapier be prepared to just embrace it all name your ship the Amistad and go to work expanding mass bondage across the Dark Continent and realize that this is probably as close as we'll ever get to a Confederate state Civil War fact in a total war game but malice duskie Dirk has found other ways to make money in the game bullying the De Beers diamond company he's poised to take over the Southlands and exploit it for its natural resources gaining 30% additional income from mining and if anyone objects to your diamond monopoly you can always feed them to your cold ones as malice --is talents reduce recruitment cost and upkeep for any cold one Knights chariots or dread Knights in his army thanks largely to his connection with his unique cold one mount spite normally Dark Elves have to slather themselves in an awful smelling perfume to make themselves so unappetizing cold ones won't eat them but smite is such a loving Velociraptor that he's the closest thing malice has to a friend you must be scratching at good boys tell me malice is unique in that he begins his campaign as a military ally of Nagrand in the witch-king Malekith something Malekith doesn't even offer to his own mother because even in a world of murder elves it still bros before hoes and like the best bottom [ __ ] your objective in the vortex campaigns is to collect in mail Scrolls of a cardi back home to which pimp daddy Malekith which is exactly the same as every other Dark Elf campaign even spawning an army every time you reach one of the nodes but the difference here is someone else is worrying about minding the vortex and you're just concerned with sending five shipments of magically enchanted post-it notes to which King metal pants so he'll finally tell you how to make your own elixirs of control just conquer locations with the glowing symbol build the requisite building and rinse repeat until you've completed this literary fetch quest allowing malice jet cutter to finally issue an emancipation proclamation to the demons our kin but much like Chumbawamba he will get back up again because your possession meter constantly ticks north every single turn and special missions from tsar can threaten to move it ever closer to overtaking Mouse's soul and only these handcrafted Jager bombs can take the edge off your demon counter knocking you back down again by half with each new shot you create them by sending shipments or pressing this little button here but these elixirs aren't free and since you need their soul saving juices to keep you from going full demonic Malekith makes sure to charge you a bit more every time you ask for them so yeah I guess the Dark Elves are definitely American but the choice of whether or not to spend more money on healthcare is made a little easier on turn 2 you start all your campaigns with your army on one side of the world and your capital on the other basically splitting your forces so it's a relief when a shadowy scrooge mcduck offers to buy hag grief off of you for a princely sum you can take it and be swimming in copious coke money and the Southlands or you can reject it disband your army and then rehire them all back in the frozen north to begin a very different campaign because only Germans are dumb enough to fight a two-front campaign twice your second big choice in this campaign is whether to be an arcane crack addict or an upstanding evil general if you choose to wean yourself off of your purple meth demon people will actually start to trust you to manage armies and lead a nation and when you're in full control and regularly attending a a meetings you can actually unlock the right of the war master it instantly recruits an army of everything that goes bump in the dark elf Knight that isn't already being bumped by the cult of pleasure hydras black dragons card abysus Medusa's scourge runner chariots in cold ones will all spawn at your factions capital and if you have a decently leveled high beasts master around this is your new win button in this army just so happens to feature the three new dark elf units that come with this DLC scourge runner chariots are what happens when someone gets the brilliant idea of sticking crossbows on chariots so you can both roll and shoot at the same time it's truly revolutionary the blood Rack Medusa is a ranged monstrous artillery piece and the blood rat shrine oh no even good that petunia she don't want to cause more confusion than escaping and a burnished shoulder and that's how you banish a demon but when the feces hits the fan there's only one person you'll be turning to and you'll probably want to sell your mom's microwave to ride that pink pony again to become an unstoppable force of nature that can take down four cops at a time and shoot purple lightning from his fingers with unlimited baloise instantly restoring your health and you spirit bomb your enemies because when fully hopped up on grape drink malice black edge can go super safe afterwards you may feel a twinge of remorse and want to switch back to methadone and malice a skill tree encourages you to choose between these two lifestyles but don't worry Zarkon will always be there for you waiting to welcome you back into his warm fuzzy folds when you need him and that's a noobs guide to malice dark blade the tyrant of hag grief but seriously though don't do drugs meth will mess you up and I can only imagine what greater demon meth does to your teeth probably turns them into fangs or gummy bears that scream all the time when you chew

Channel: Cody Bonds

Views: 349,170

Rating: 4.8656383 out of 5

Keywords: total war, noobs guide, noob's guide, cody bonds, humor, warhammer, warhammer ii, shadow and the blade, DLC, games workshop, noobs guide to malus, noob's guide to malus, noobs guide to malus darkblade, noob's guide to malus darkblade, the shadow and the blade, warhammer 2 dlc, a noobs guide to, a noob's guide to, warhammer 2, creative assembly, cody bonds total war, malus darkblade, total war warhammer 2 malus darkblade, malus darkblade lore, malus darkblade campaign

Id: iH9opyxYccU

Length: 11min 54sec (714 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 13 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/Satsubuya]

Hilarious!!

[u/highfalutinman]

I love this series. Incredibly tongue-in-cheek, and the pop culture references are absolute fire

[u/WarlockEngineer]

Every one of these is amazing