No One’s Coming To Save You (and why that’s actually hopeful news) | Nicole Smolinski | TEDxUCIrvine

thank you my favorite rubies growing up were fairy tales like The Little Mermaid I adored watching Ariel's story unfold a beautiful princess of an underwater Paradise her curiosity pulling her to some unknown world above land or Cinderella struggling forgotten girl being transformed into a beautiful young lady treating in her Rags for a big and bright ball gown the handsome and Charming Prince picking her out of a crowd desired by all chosen pursued and forever changed by someone else's hand I absorbed all of the Wonder and Magic that comes with the prince charming story and I carried it with me as I got older unknowingly allowing it to inform my expectations about the world I was growing into fast forward two years later I graduated with my Master's in Clinical Psychology I began seeing clients as an associate therapist treating a range of diagnoses and issues I later began incorporating these tools into other areas of work like in the community wellness events I host and in the creative writing I do in all these roles as I sat with people I began to notice how often I'd see people who are emotionally paralyzed and stagnant they'd often describe life as something that was happening to them rather than it being something for them to actively engage with even in terms of their connections in their friendships or in their romantic Partnerships in their work and family connections a partisan felt obligated to wait for someone else to choose them rather than for them to decide whether they actually like spending time with someone witnessing these stories over and over again not only felt deeply frustrating and moving for me it felt familiar I saw myself in these clients of mine which is not too uncommon for us empathetic therapists but I also realized I saw myself in aerial and in Cinderella too throughout my formative years I was placed in situations where my voice was stripped from me as a result of erratic Behavior around me or hearing commentary like who's telling you to say that when I was stating opinions of my own or hearing it wasn't that big of a deal when stating my dislike and discomfort I found safety in staying small and so I learned that to have a voice was to have a weapon speaking up was harmful for everyone including myself and so I needed to give it away drowning in the confusion that a child has big feelings but is not allowed to share them I treated my boys for a distant dream that I might be able to escape the world I was living in for a more emotionally safe one in certain personal connections I would often notice myself putting others needs before my own whether that be in small ways like what to eat for dinner tonight or in much bigger ways like staying in places I was uncomfortable in for too long for fear of making people feel bad a servant to what others expected of me I sacrificed much of myself in hopes of keeping others happy and so I learned that change does not come from me it happens to me and so the best way to not disappoint was to simply not try at all once again trapped by the confusion that a young woman has needs of her own but must set them aside for the benefit of others I traded my impact for a hope that I might finally be considered good enough in the eyes of the people around me convinced that my actions no longer had weight I exchanged my sense of agency for a desperate wish that someone or something might come into the picture and change things around for me my own sense of Free Will locked up tight in the Attic left stagnant I suppose along the way though I couldn't see it at the time I desperately wish to feel heard seen and chosen as I got older I realized that accomplishing things felt pretty nice I mean I could be good at that I won national championships as a starter for my soccer team I received the opportunity to travel internationally and play professionally I wrote my first independently published collection of poetry and prose all of these accomplishments like the ones I just named were wonderfully positive things accomplishments I'm deeply proud of privileges I'm keenly aware of opportunities I'm deeply grateful for I share these examples to show that in many areas of my life I'm managed quite well as did a lot of the people I've met with in my work but emotionally that inner stagnant princess remained in fact a lot of these princess-like qualities were encouraged in some ways by the greater world around me like Ariel I could talk with people in personal settings and they can enjoy the conversation when really I hadn't talked the entire time my voice non-existent it hadn't been a conversation it had been more like a monologue and so much like Ariel I quickly learned that they don't and Swoon and fawn on a lady who's withdrawn that's a direct quote from the movie by the way much like Cinderella I was often praised for my agreeableness and an niceness and so much like Cinderella I spent much of my time dreaming that things could be different without ever believing I could actually do something about it suppose along the way they'll like couldn't see it at the time I desperately wish to feel heard seen and chosen I think a part of me really did hope that someone might slip a shoe on my delicate foot see its perfect fit and rescue me from the pain I was experiencing so that I might live the rest of my days in a castle in a far away land experiencing the world felt less vibrant when I was voiceless and trapped by appeasement eventually I began to question the narratives of those fairy tales I loved so much as a child I would argue that it's not a coincidence that 90s children who grew up watching Ariel and Cinderella wait for someone to notice them and change their world forever now sit in therapist offices feeling lost stuck hopeless and in more severe cases traumatized we grow up wanting to be like the pretty princesses we watched on screen and what we saw was that pretty princesses are meant to be rescued by someone or something else outside of us now of course my purpose of being here today is not to Simply place blame on Disney Disney has continued to evolve their messaging in really positive ways this messaging isn't unique to Disney and really any film can serve as the litmus test for where our culture's mindset is as a whole at that time I'm here to highlight the through line between what we might unintentionally absorb from our culture how that interacts with our individualized experiences and where that leaves our sense of self or lack thereof today as I sit with people whether that be with clients in session members of the community during wellness events or elsewhere and I observe the cultural conversations we're having in today's society I see a divided World in more ways than one though this is not the truth it feels as though there are only two ways to look at connection believing in the hyper romanticized Romeo and Juliet s connection where we will simply die or at least not be complete without another person or in the hyper-individualistic ideals that we can go at it alone shown in the many songs and videos I continue to see boasting that we as Women quote don't need a man and not to mention there is not one peer relationship shown in these movies their closest friends are birds or fish or mice and while I adore animals and know them to be deep sources of support I can't help but wonder what that says about the value of friendships and support in our lives an independent woman is a beautiful thing to be celebrated by Independence in its Jewish form it's not equivalent to isolation we as a society not just as women need the confidence to take accountability in our lives and we need trusted people to lean on in difficult times no one is coming to save you and I hope you grow to feel relieved by that statement in fact what I hope for you is that your prince charming Never Comes because if they do if a person swoops into your life and Promises to be your savior it has all the markings of a fairy tale and none of real life thank you what I hope for you instead is that a person enters your life wanting to partner with you and simply promises to do the best they can with what they have nothing more or nothing less and this isn't about the heteronormative romance that we often see in these fairy tales it's about Connection in all its forms so whether that be a friend family member a romantic partner therapist teacher mentor I hope someone shows up for you and helps you believe that getting to be a part of the real world is worth it and is in fact even better than being part of any fairy tale despite what we may have seen growing up love does not come in the form of a Charming Prince love doesn't involve rescuing it involves bolstering it's supportive not Redemptive people have walked in cardship don't need someone to redeem us or make us whole again we need to learn how to recognize and revive that sense of self already inside of us after much of my own personal work I've done internally and through the help of supportive people in my life I've looked back on my younger years with the realization that my power or my agency was in some ways taken from me and that will never be right or Fair but over the years I've had opportunities to take it back and didn't because I assumed it wasn't mine to have anymore it was still up in the attic of the wicked stepmother's house believed to be locked away and my voice still handed over to the sea witch known as Ursula somewhere along the way whether it be from the social and cultural messages we've absorbed from our lived experiences or a big mix of everything in between we have gotten used to the power being in someone else's hands but the truth is the power was never supposed to be someone else's to take in the same way that the power was never someone else's to take the power to redeem ourselves was never someone else's to hold now I want to be clear this is not an ignore your feelings and pull yourself up from the bootstraps kind of message Clinical Psychology remember we love feelings there are many harmful factors in people's lives that are still out of their control and that is deeply frustrating I'm not asking you to carry the burden of others mistakes and solve them like they were your own and this never means that those who've experienced assault abuse inequity and Justice or any type of trauma or at fault or should have done more to get out of that situation in our own ways all of us have many things locked up in our metaphorical addicts some of which we don't have the ability to let go of right now what I am asking you to consider is the weight of the lie you've been carrying that you do not have or deserve to have a say in your life the lie that your voice is a weapon or that sacrificing yourself for the benefit of others is Honorable and desirable and the reason you exist consider just this today it's possible that now as an adult with strength and power and agency you already have the ability to unlock this one so for anyone feeling hopeless or helpless at the moment I know it's been exhausting I hope you can hear that we have the power to unlock that personal sense of agency in our lives starting with understanding that we may have been taught to give it away at a young age or that it was never even ours to have in the first place I hope that moving forward we listen well without giving up our voices completely that we be kind without sacrificing the things we ourselves need that we celebrate our independence without succumbing to isolation no one is coming to save you and I'd argue that's the most hopeful thing you'll hear all year because you're not Ariel or Cinderella or some other fairy tale princess you aren't limited to a screen a collection of pixels or ink on the pages of a book you are a whole person in this real vibrant challenging beautiful unpredictable world with the power to yes be independent and make choices of your own and then ask for help from loved ones when you need it a person with the ability to make healthy genuine connections with others around you for me best happily ever after thank you foreign

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 6,949

Keywords: English, Film Studies, Life, Love, Philosophy, Psychology, Relationships, TEDxTalks, [TEDxEID:53611]

Id: U26GBaN487M

Length: 14min 45sec (885 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 03 2023