Narcissist Uses You (Starts 16:20): Unfinished Mommy Splitting

okay uh welcome back to the sam wagnin horror show and today we are going to discuss the humpty dumpty narcissist the narcissist is broken we all agree on that but today i'm going to show you a mechanism the mechanism that led to the disintegration the fracturing the fragmentation of the narcissist it's an intricate mechanism why is it important for you to know why should you get acquainted with these intricacies and the inner cogs and nuts of the narcissus machinery because you're an integral part of it the minute you teamed up with the narcissist the minute you became his intimate partner his colleague his neighbor even the minute you've interacted with the narcissist you have been body snatched you have been appropriated in the next and whether you like it or not and whether voluntarily or involuntarily you're in the game so better know the rules my name is and i'm the author of you see you completed the sentences in your head when i said my name is an inner voice in your head said sam wagner and when when i continued inexorably and said i am the author of that same voice whispered in your ear malignant self-love narcissism revisited whispered or thundered depending anyhow this inner voice that had completed the sentences in your head that's an introject that is my voice inside your head the more you are exposed to my videos or anyone's videos anyone's public persona the more that person becomes an introject a voice inside your head we are going to discuss internal objects external objects and how everyone often get gets confused most of all the narcissist now the narcissist draws you into his vortex into his whirlpool into this tornado that swirls inside his head okay a few administrative things i just uploaded a video it's a compilation of my videos on nothingness i've made four or five videos about nothingness the principle of nothingness which is an antidote to narcissism in my view at least these five videos are available on my other video channel vacnine musings and this compilation is courtesy the inevitable inimitable phoning and yawning dorcas williams i'm gonna keep up this compilation for 24 hours then i'm going to switch it to the playlist and i'll remind you again many videos you're looking for are not available on the general videos page but you can find them in the various playlists if you scroll across the page you will find multiple links to my playlists i think there are nine of them maybe 10 i don't remember just go to the playlist the relevant playlist play lisa organize alphamatic they're organized by themes select the theme go to the playlist you're very likely to find the video you have been missing and pining four and a proper pining four have you seen the recent recent richard graham take on hope he as he graciously makes clear in the in the pinned comment under his video um he was inspired by two giants of human intellect um nietzsche and wagner and by another guy who made some who made some reference to buddhism so in my video videos on nothingness a recurrent and important theme is that hope is a poison hope sets you up for failure for disappointment hope generates expectations most of which are unrealistic and when they are inevitably frustrated when they inevitably don't come true what you have is heartbreak so hope is bad for you hope is the most toxic invention of the human mind and it's pretty recent by the way abandon all hope ye who are about to enter so nietzsche said a bit before me we are both nut cases but he was much more insane than i am he ended up in an asylum and before he ended up in asylum he wrote a few minor seminal works and he said that hope is a very bad thing um rush to richard graham's um youtube channel and watch his take on hope it's poetic it's profound and it's amazing and there he makes a distinction between types of hope he prefers a typology of hope and he says that some kinds of hope are actually very positive and constructive and others are not i beg to disagree that's not the point the point is you should be exposed to multiplicity multiplicity of reasoned voices and granules is one voice i value okay another thing i have two instagram channels facebook uh disabled my access to one of them so it's archive only my active channel instagram channel my active instagram account is narcissism with acne one word narcissism with acne so go there join i post daily sometimes two or three times a day there is most recent studies updates advice tips musings hallucinations illusions i act out deliciously i disintegrate in full view don't don't you miss it i mean just go there and i propose disintegrating in full view i read simultaneously usually something between 10 and 15 books i'm kidding you're not i read at the same time about 15 on a good day 15 books yesterday i opened a book about christina the king of the queen of sweden and christina invited descartes rene descartes renee rene descartes the famous philosopher invited him to her court in the 17th century he died there by the way because she exposed him to freezing temperatures very wily and histrionic woman if you ask me not one of my favorites anyhow there was a sentence in that book which really threw me off gave me a bad mood for like six hours the sentence was at 60 descartes was already an old man at 60 and old men i'm 60. i mean i'll be 60 in april i'm 60. so immediately i got discombobulated at 60 the card was already an old man i'm 60. does it mean that i'm an old man or does it mean that i'm rene descartes i'm not sure if you have the answer let me know today i'm supposed to receive my letter of reappointment as professor of psychology in in southern frederick university into a stove on dawn and i am on tether hooks i can't wait i will let you know i'll keep you posted when the letter is received but it should be today or tomorrow i uploaded corrected do you remember the images that i mentioned the images with the relationship cycle the relationship map with narcissists white purple and blue so there were typos in these images and haley martin graciously fixed the typos and now i've uploaded the corrected images now one of you sent me a comment it's not belfry it's belfry because i i said you know i use the word belfry german and as some of you know from my previous videos i find german by far the most hilarious language imaginable i'm sure it was concocted by a committee of psychopaths and in german it was belfry and belfry was also how it was pronounced in middle english so why do we say belfry americans blame it always on the americans and in 99 of the time of the cases you would be right americans distorted the pronunciation of belfry and made it bell-free as americans are indolent and they like everything to be smooth and easy not to work too hard so now it's bell-free and the british had adopted it mainly after the second world war but the original was belfry and the german is definitely belfry and i was walking mocking the german the colonies had corrupted the united kingdom okay next people ask me the relationship cycle you know grooming love bombing shirt psychosis all this is this cycle or is this map applicable only to intimate and romantic relationships or to other things to everything this is a map of how narcissists interact with everyone intimate partners colleagues business partners neighbors i mean you name it this is the structure the base structure the foundational template of the narcissist's way of interacting with other human beings consider for example the famous case of michael eisner of hollywood fame he was the head of disney the company and so analyze the way he had interacted with his second in command and especially with michael ovies who followed kutzenberg with michael ovitz you can see this relationship map or relationship flow or relationship structure in action first eisner love bombed him groomed him there were like numerous phone calls promises enticements inducements seduction flirtation business dinners business lunches business breakfasts and branches and trips and junkets united eisner was all over orvis he was all over orwetz because he wanted office to abandon a creative talent agency he was in and to move to work with him in disney even promised him to be equals that they would be equals of course it was a narcissist promise so when michael ovitz had moved finally to disney he had entered eisner's shared fantasy because by that time disney had become eisner's extended inflated um big banged shared fantasy and obvious stepped right into the shirt fantasy and eisner try try started to test him he isolated him he humiliated him he mutilated him he insulted him he sent spies to to monitor him and to supervise him i mean he made his life a living hell it was all a test testing is a critical part of the shared fantasy abuse in the shirt fantasy is essentially meant to test and to recreate early childhood conflicts so he was testing office and of its in his eyes failed because 99 of of people failed the narcissist shared fantasy testing phase narcissistic abuse type one as i call it and then once all it's failed ovitz you know was primed to to move to the discard phase he was primed to be discarded and office made the mistake of posing conditions and terms so he entered the bargaining phase and then eisner eisner fired him they gave him a huge severance fee a severance package and he fired him you see the classical grooming love bombing shared fantasy bargaining bye bye don't ever show your face again okay and that's in business eisner and ovitz were in disney corporation it's business okay next thing before we get to the main topic of the of today's thing catastrophizing um people ask me why do women or borderlines why do borderlines act out why do they decompensate and suddenly disintegrate when they are rejected or when they perceive impending imminent humiliation rejection and abandonment and one one of the re i mentioned many reasons in my previous videos and i encourage you to search the channel before you ask questions or else exposed to my rudeness so one of the things i did not mention in the previous videos and it's a dark mark on my otherwise perfect record is catastrophizing the borderline tells herself once she had been once she had been humiliated abandoned rejected one she once she misinterprets certain behaviors refrains them as abandonment humiliation and rejection or when she anticipates abandonment humiliation and rejection there's a dialogue there's a negative automatic thought there's an introject probably there's a voice that tells her no one will ever want you again you see even he is rejecting you no one will ever want to so she immediately needs to restore she needs to prove to herself otherwise she needs to prove that she is desirable that she does have power over men that she can make them seduce them or make them do what she wants she needs to restore her sense of uh regulate her sense of self-worth and restore her self-esteem and self-confidence and she self-medicates usually with men but not only with men borderline reckless behaviors are you know across a whole spectrum shopaholism is another example pathological gambling reckless driving drug abuse substance abuse i mean they're all they're all attempts to reassert control and restore a sense of self-esteem because rejection and humiliation is perceived by borderlines as total as a critique as as poor as they perceive humiliation and rejection as portending constant everlasting humiliation and rejection they catastrophize and to reverse and counter the catastrophizing they simply go and self-medicate with another person so if the borderline had been rejected by men she would seek a man to restore if she had been fired from a job she would she would be desperate looking for another job she would try to self-medicate same with same okay let's get to the topic of today's um today's video and that is the humpty dumpty narcissist let's start with some basic concepts splitting first of all splitting is confused it's one of the most confused topics in psychology it's a bloody mess even scholars which i hold in extremely high regard like bromberg or stern even these scholars often confuse splitting with repression or even worse splitting with dissociation these are not the same things now there are two types of of splitting which makes it even worse makes the confusion uh even worse and makes conflating splitting with other issues more palatable however wrong so there are two types of splitting there is ego splitting and there is object splitting ego splitting is when the ego or the self constellated self whatever you want to call it this core this core which is you this core which includes your identity your roles your memories this reservoir container repositories of your quiddity of your essence let's call it ego for discussion sake so when the ego fractures fragments and splits one part remains conscious and the other becomes unconscious that's the split of part and that was described by freud in 1940 klein added to it and said that when the ego splits one part is whole entirely good and the other one is entirely bad bear this in mind as we continue a bit later now object splitting object remember in psychology aptly appropriately we call people objects so primary object is mummy the primary object is mother or the caregiver usually mother that's the primary object objects are people so object splitting means simply splitting other people object splitting involves mechanisms like denial and projection and so on so forth it's no it's what is known as a schizoid defense what does it mean object splitting it's when parts of the cell parts of our self part of the self and some internal objects we have are disowned we can't accept them we can't tolerate them we're ashamed of them they make us feel guilty we don't want these parts so what we take what we do we we take these parts and we throw them out we project them right and but we have to project them on a human being we can't project them on a chair if you project them on a chair you're psychotic but you so normal people i mean people who do this object splitting they use other people and this is the classic projection we attribute to other people parts of ourselves actually that we're ashamed of or we feel guilty about or we don't want to acknowledge you to accept object splitting therefore is a kind of schizoid defense it's like these parts are not mine i am self-contained i am self-sufficient i don't need anyone i don't need anyone because they are bad they are evil they are stupid they are histrionic they are over sex they are they're hypocritical they are men see see where i'm going with this it's a splitting because others are all bad and so you are all good but if you're all good why would you be with people who are all bad so it leads to a schizoid posture schizoid position we'll come to it a bit later remember that klein modified freud and suggested that when the ego splits there's a bad part and a good part and beyond and kernberg continued her work but the one who really revolutionized her work and forced her to revise it and to modify it was of course a british guy no not granon this time fairbair fairburne who lived a bit before granite suggested that there is a schizoid core in everyone and this schizoid core is based on splitting and it usually reflects or is mobilized or is created by childhood frustration when we are frustrated as children we withdraw the first thing we do we project you know and then we withdraw and we we develop a schizoid posture we become self-contained self-sufficient he suggested that when the frustration is seriously bad when for example the child is abused traumatized neglected parentified instrumentalized objectified these are bad types of abuse let alone classic abuse like physical abuse sexual abuse when the child is exposed to these traumatic experiences the ego said fair burn splits into three there's a central ego the eye this central ego is preoccupied with introspection self-observation consciousness the second part is the libidine illegal that's the ego with the force of life that's the ego that later develops a sex drive but not only sex drive when the sex drive is sublimated we have creativity that's the ego that goes forth goes out is out facing and that's the ego that leads us to create life to create love to create art to create everything science you name it that's the libidional people but in really really impacted impacted children children who've been traumatized and abused there is a third part that third party is the anti-libidonal ego that's an internal saboteur it's an internal enemy it's not the inner critic it's an internal enemy it attacks the libertarian ego it's the force of death and we call it the the antonym of libido we call it testudo or motido in psychoanalysis each of these three parts of the ego is paired with internal objects each one of them has his own cult his own following of internal objects and these internal objects are like voices and they encourage this particular ego to fulfill its functions so there's a group of voices that tell you you're bad you're unworthy you are you're loathsome you're disgusting you're ugly you're stupid these voices collaborate these introjects collaborate with the anti-libidonal ego and there's another group that say you're delightful you're beautiful you're creative you you're productive and these collaborate with a libertarian illegal and there's a group of voices that are self-referential these are voices that talk about you they say listen you did this because of that that was your motivation maybe you did this because you were sad they talked they constantly there's this concept about monologue dialogue inside between the internal objects and the ego the ego parts okay at an early stage of childhood the child does not make a distinction between himself and mother cannot make a distinction his brain is not insufficiently developed pregnancy continues for almost two years outside the womb because our brain needs to develop and our head needs to inflate and had pregnancy been completed in the womb we would have never been able to exit the opening is somewhat tight if we are lucky so children continue their brain development outside and because the brain is highly underdeveloped when the child is born the child is unable to tell that there is a reality that is distinct and different and outside and external to himself the child is in a state of inflation he he subsumes the environment he and the environment are one it's a state of unitary it's a state of union it's a state of nirvana if you wish it's a state of vanishing and nothingness it's a state of being one with with everything and everyone and of course above all with mother so he cannot make a distinction but mother is not always forthcoming sometimes she's upset sometimes she's sick and tired sometimes she doesn't want to feed the baby he wants to eat she she doesn't want to feed her in other words mommy from first minute sometimes is frustrating sometimes doesn't cater instantaneously to the needs and wishes and demands of the petulant spoiled brat that is the baby he wants it now and if not he will cry for six days and nights but mommy is unrelenting sometimes she succumbs and fulfills the needs and gratifies the baby and sometimes not so gradually the baby begins to realize that there are two mummies there's a good mummy and a bad mummy or as klein called it deliciously and pornographically there's the loved good breast and the bed hated breasts what an image any let me recover anyhow um the baby begins to separate mommy into two mummies but that's of course an intolerable very threatening terrifying horror movie stuff thing how can mommy be two people or two entities it's really really terrifying so what the baby does baby says it's actually not two entities it's one mommy is all good all the good things is mommy gratification mommy satisfaction mommy warmth acceptance food tasting uh texture of the skin everything i love mommy it's all mommy mommy is 100 million billion zillion percent good and only good what about the frustrating aspects what about when mommy is not so good when she's absent when she refuses to feed me it must be me i am bad i'm unworthy it's something in me says the baby i'm dead i'm all bad mommy is all good luckily for everyone that's a transitional phase it's transitional phase for all healthy and normal people they get rid of this splitting this is splitting they get rid of this bleeding a bit later so you remember that mommy split baby or bed mommy on good gradually as the baby grows cerebral neuronal pathways are formed the baby baby begins to realize the existence of other entities he develops concepts of internal and external he realizes the limitations of his will he gets rid of magical thinking he understands that if he wishes something it doesn't always come true that reality is his own rules not subject to his thinking and wishes and will so he matures he matures and he begins to develop really a realistic assessment of the universe he switches from the pleasure principle to a more real to the reality principle at that stage he merges the bad and good aspects of mommy and he becomes with the nuanced version a more subtle and much more realistic version of mummy and by the way daddy and other figures he is capable to see grey not only black and white good and bad with me with against me but he is able to merge these aspects and come up with something that allows him to function better and to feel a lot less frustrated he reduces his anxiety his ego destiny is discomfort his unhappiness his rage his aggression he reduces all this negative emotionality by simply accepting that the world is much more complex than it used to be a year ago when i was born that is normal healthy development but narcissists and borderlines get stuck they are incapable to transition now no one explained convincingly why why some babies remain stuck yeah okay there is trauma there is abuse get it but why do why do they remain stuck why don't they develop a reality test testing why don't they introduce themselves into reality well here's the issue when the baby splits mommy into bed and good good breath bad breath good mommy bad mommy it's because mommy has good aspects and it's easy to do when someone has good sides and bad sides even today as adults you can make this distinction you can say well he's an [ __ ] but he's a great scholar me so you you can make this distinction or you can say wow he's seriously repulsive as a man but his mind his intellect is amazing again me so but what to do [Music] when the person you're faced with has no mitigating circumstances no attenuating in a ameliorating aspects nothing good about him only bad if the mother is dead andre green's concept of a dead mother the mother is emotionally absent narcissistic selfish depressive parentifies the child instrumentalizes the child uses and abuses the child does not allow the child to separate individual it breaches the child's boundaries objectifies the child etc etc kind of mother stunts the growth of the child arrests the development of the child it's a bad mother and there is nothing good about her how do you split how do you split an object that is all bad with not a single aspect of good doesn't even feed the baby how do you how do you do that you don't children who become later narcissism borderlines could not split their mother mothers because the mothers were all dead there was nothing there to split and yet the mechanism of splitting was there you know raring to go eager to act the mechanism was activated turned on enabled and was looking for a target and there were only two targets mommy and me now i couldn't split mommy so i split myself splitting has been inverted instead of externalized it became internalized you can't split an old bad mother because she's all bad you can't break her into good and bad there's no good so you split yourself you split yourself into true self and false self the true self is all bad it's unworthy it's helpless it's hopeless it's stupid it's inefficacious you don't want the truth it's weak it's vulnerable now you understand why narcissists hate hate weak people it's projection yeah they hate the weak part in themselves so they projected on they said you're weak i'm not weak you're weak i'm strong i'm a strong man i overcome even covet 19. right i have orangey so um the true self is everything the narcissist doesn't want to be and the fourth self is everything the narcissistic child wants to be the false self is god that's the invention of private religion initially in early christianity in judaism of course and in islam there was the assumption that man is all bad there was the fall from grace when man was expelled had been expelled from the garden of eden men men's desires and drives were all malevolent corrupt it was through god's grace that men redeemed and absorbed himself by obeying god by adhering to the son of god by interaction with god god was the redeeming principle because men was hopelessly hopelessly beyond hope so the child does the same child cannot split mummy so he's placed himself and there's a god-like element default self and a corrupt hopeless doomed expelled from garden of eden true self and it is the fourth self who is gonna save the savior salvator like jesus the fourth self is gonna save the child he's gonna redeem the child he's going to absorb the child he's going to uplift uplift the child into the kingdom of heaven okay a cohort suggested a vertical split he said that in narcissists especially there are contradictory self-states today we know that the same exists in borderline and even more so borderlines have more uh demarcated and pronounced self-states to the point that borderline is very reminiscent of dissociative identity disorder multiple personality disorder but okay quote in 1971 suggested that there are contradictories of states and he gave an example of grandiosity and despair is that these states exist simultaneously when healthy narcissistic needs are frustrated by caretakers like mommy and later daddy when the caretakers of the child do not allow the child to gratify legitimate narcissistic needs the child is desperate he represses this despair and to compensate for it he creates grandiosity he says okay i don't need you mommy i don't need you daddy i have my own imaginary friend and he is god like he's stronger than you more powerful than you he knows more than you he's omniscient he's brilliant he's perfect he's beautiful he is accomplished so the false self is compensatory and when children are frustrated and traumatized and abused by caretakers caregivers parents they react this way by creating vertical splits coexistent contradictory self-states okay you follow me until now it's not an easy topic let's talk about interjects intros are part of the fantasy defense introductions are fantastic they're not real when you're faced with a with a parent with a role model even with a peer group which you admire and want to belong to you internalize these voices but you know that they're not real you know that these are not these people are not inside you so you it's a fantasy you fantasize that their voices are still in your head your mommy is long dead your mother is long dead but her voice is in your head do you really believe your voice is in your head do you really believe she's talking to you if you do you need medication you're psychotic most people don't and yet they conduct dialogues with the dead mother in times of stress and anxiety so it's a fantasy it's a fantasy and these fantasies are not just you know pieces of fiction the introject of mummy represents a real real person with a real history real mentality real character and temperament and personality memories so it's a very very super complex fantasy grounded largely in reality and this in in this fantasy is a life of its own it has its own motivations its own intentions it has a life of its own it's important to understand introjects continue inside the mind to have independent dynamics which are independent of the person that's the process of snapshotting when the narcissist meets comes across someone who can serve as a narcissistic supply is not a source of supply or when it comes across someone who can be become an intimate partner the narcissist takes a snapshot it creates an introject now this introject has a life of its own the analysis continues to interact only with introject ignoring the real object out there and the more the introject diverges from the real object the more pissed off the narcissist is and that's the main reason for this card this is what leads to discard when the divergence is too much when the snapshot no longer resembles even remotely the real life person real life people go through changes they evolve they grow they develop new interests and new friendships and yet the snapshot is stable the snapshot is firm never changes and it creates a divergence okay all introjects are like this but the narcissist does not regard the introduction as a fantasy but as a reality so remember everyone is introduced everyone interacts with introjects everyone talks to interjects everyone argues with introjects everyone is angry at introducing for instance the girlfriend who dumped you in favor of another man you're very angry you have her introject and you're fighting with her years later in an attempt to obtain closure i mean it's normal but you know that the voice is fantastic is not real the narcissist doesn't the narcissist confuses interjects with reality as his introjects interact develop i mean are dynamic he thinks it's real he actually thinks that his introjects are much more real than you he's introduced of you is much more real to the narcissist than you are you don't have real existence in his mind because you're not in his mind what's in his mind has supremacy over reality it's supreme to reality this is the real reality his mind and so in normal people introjects interact with the ego because the ego is the reality principle the ego tells you hey listen call it that's a fantasy or don't do this if you do this you'll be punished it's the ego that keeps giving you reality testing keep telling you listen wake up i mean consider this is reality take reality into account it's the function of the ego and some introjects interact with ego so much that they become a part of the ego and they're known as ego nuclei here's the problem narcissists have no ego they don't have a functional ego at least they don't have an ego the narcissist outsources ego functions he is no reality testing he needs you to tell him what is reality he has no access to reality because he has no ego he doesn't have an ego to tell him don't do this do this this is real this is fake this is real this is fantasy he doesn't have this voice so he needs you to tell him and it's he's compulsive about it he needs it every minute can you survive in reality without reality testing for one minute of course you can't now you understand the analysis is compulsion coercion insistence persistence he needs you every minute he outsources ego functions he has a hive mind he incorporates other people in order to form clunky on the fly just in time improvised ego states one ego after another and because each ego created this way depends on another on a separate group of people ego number one will not be the same like equal number seven ego number one will depend on three people one two and three and ego number seven will also depend on three people 14 15 and 16. of course the input from one two and three will not be the same like the input from 14 15 and 16 so the ego seven will not be like ego one that's why the narcissist is dissociative and dysfunctional and discontinuous because his ego states his successive ego states sometimes very often actually have little to do with each other that's why he's shocked when he's confronted with the consequences of his actions he doesn't feel he did anything definitely he doesn't feel he did anything wrong that's why he confabulates all the time he's trying to bridge the gaps between ego one and two and three and four and seven he's trying to create some continuity he confabulates and many people perceive this as gaslighting which is actually a psychopathic behavior not a narcissistic one the narcissist does not exist it's an emptiness it's a void he exists by aggregate by assemblage and now the ego ideal what what you want to be when you grow up that's an introject the superego including punishing super ego in a critic sadistic super ego these are that's an introduction you see the critical role of introjects and if you have introduced that cannot talk to the ego because you have no ego you have no core there's no core so they also cannot talk to themselves they also cannot communicate with them among themselves this introjects communicate with each other via the ego the ego is like a switchboard you don't have an ego they can't talk to each other so the narcissist experiences some inner objects is good and real these are ego syntonic objects and when he idealizes you he converts you into an ego syntonic introject and also into a real one your introduce your introject becomes the only reality and it's a good one it's ecosystem tonic when he devalues you or when he has introduced that he is not comfortable with they are ego alien they are ego dystonic all at or any given time the narcissist has both these groups ego syntonic good real objects and ego alien egotistonic disturbing discomforting and ultimately projected um introjects internal objects and this creates a process called ego congruent incongruence ego incongruence despite it's very misleading because there's no ego but ego incongruence in principle means that some things some events some occurrences some people some places some memories some will create such extreme discomfort that actually they will divorce the narcissist from himself they will create a process called estrangement this is very very common in borderlines that's why borderlines act out that's why they go crazy that's why they behave in ways which are at once abrupt and unpredictable and shocking and on the other hand very self-damaging and self-trashing it's all what they do borderlines especially nazis also but both allies especially they externalize introjects because of ego congruence sorry because of ego incongruence the internal level of angst anxiety and discomfort is such the in the inability to tolerate the intolerance of ego dystonic egotistonic objects alien introjects becomes reaches such a level such a burden that the the borderline of the nazis just take these introduced these internal objects and they throw them out they don't even project them they don't attribute them to other people they just throw them out and it's like explosion you know there is these are externalizing trajectories and because these objects are alien discomforting disturbing frightening menacing destabilizing disregulating biac horrible introduce when they are externalized the borderline or the narcissist feel one step removed they feel that they're outside observing what's happening they feel like they're on autopilot during the acting out when it introjects uncomfortable interjects bad interjects hated introjects rejected interjects are externalized it's like taking a part of yourself and throwing it out and of course that minute you cease to exist because you're not you anymore part of you is gone it's like being amputated you're not you anymore and you're not you anymore and you you're still observing the process of becoming not you you're observing this process of partial vanishing it's like your upper part has had evaporated like spontaneous combustion juice of photos or spontaneous combustion only part of the body is burned the rest is intact same process this is a spontaneous combustion of a part of you that you hate that you want to reject at any cost at the cost of acting out and this creates estrangement that's a clinical term but it also creates dissociation you don't want to remember that you repress it you deny it you forget it you you become depersonalized it's like you're not there as i said you're an autopilot you're just watching you're an observer or you become totally derealized the whole thing feels nightmarish surrealistic not real so dissociation amnesia amnesia depersonalization derailation all these phenomena dissociative phenomena have to do with externalizing alien ego symptomic ego congruent incongruent objects externalizing them how do you expel how do you expel something aggression these externalize objects come with a huge dose of aggression and it feels like these interjects somehow projectiles like guided missiles like they have their own mind like they act they are the ones who are acting and operate the agency is transferred from the individual to these introjects if they feel autonomous they feel independent and the person the borderline person or the narcissist they sit back and say what on earth is happening to me what is happening here and who is me it looks like you are utterly not in control not in the driver's seat something someone took over you and that's i think this is the source of the many metaphors of possession demon possession also of course narcissists use and borderlines use two two important mechanisms projective identification and introjective identification in projective identification the narcissist places himself inside an object remember object is a person another person in psychology the narcissist he places himself inside an object now why would he do that why would he um export his being export his essence export himself why would they teleport teleportation because it gives you an illusion of control over the object if there is an object that the borderline or the narcissist is afraid to lose there is abandonment anxiety there's object in constancy this is intolerable it enhances anxiety to levels that can no longer be countenanced can no longer be coped with and in order to cope the narcissist identifies himself with the object he says the object is me i am the object it's a mechanism also used by codependence merger and fusion projective identification is when the person finds himself inside another person and gives gives the narcissist an illusion of control a denial of helplessness and impotence and the narcissist and borderline gain vicarious satisfaction from the activities of the object so convert an inverted narcissist use projective identification endlessly relentlessly callously automatically unconsciously compulsively all the time all the time of course projective identification has very strong passive aggressive elements the second mechanism is introjective introjective identification it's identified with an introject you remember some interjects are good perceived as good as real the narcissist confuses internal and external objects so the internal object your representation in the analysis is mine is more real than you and it's good in the idealization phase in that phase the narcissist identifies video identifies with the object when i say identify is not that he has sympathy for you or he has empathy for you he is you it involves processes such as assimilation incorporation don't ask it's simply confusing his non-existent self and ego with your very much existent self and evil he identifies with the introject with a fantastic representation of you inside himself and he imagine you imagines you [Music] as being inside himself um being a part of himself being an extension of himself an organ so these are the two mechanisms either the narcissist teleports himself exports himself into you and becomes one with you that's the codependent strand in narcissism many narcissists do that or he brings you into himself he assimilates you digests you and identifies with your representation in his mind with your introjects and imagines that he is one where they introduce or the introject is part of him here's the the crux the narcissist could not split his mother she was all bad she had no good or positive aspects she was not a good enough mother helen deutsch coined the phrase false self which donald winnicott later popularized and so splitting is a crucial phase in avoiding uh the need to develop a false self why does analysis is developed for himself because he needs to split something he can't split mommy so he's please himself so there's fossil and true self and and that's that's a temporary measure that keeps him alive it's a positive adaptation and then he meets you he comes across you you know and you're perfect you're his intimate partner he wants to complete the process of maternal splitting with you that's why he has to convert you into a mother he needs to finish the unfinished business the unresolved conflict of the inability to split his original mother he needs to split you we call this repetition compulsion he needs to split you now he couldn't split his mother she had no good aspects so what he does in your case he idealizes you so that you have only good aspects you're all good that allows him to regress to very early childhood you remember the baby what the baby does the baby splits mommy mommy is all good the baby is all bad narcissus goes back to that period believe it or not i don't know six months old one euro he goes back to that period and he forces you to become his mummy so that he can proceed with the unfinished business of splitting red the you all good render himself all bad at that stage you become all good he becomes all bad now that is not a tolerable state even the narcissist can tolerate it so he begins he begins to test you co-idealization the process where he idealizes you and through this process idealizes himself introjection the process where he internalizes you and incorporates you these are the ways in which he a nexus appropriates your goodness so when he when the narcissist meets an intimate author immediately it triggers the early unfinished unconcluded maternal splitting he then must convert you into a mother to complete the splitting splitting has several phases phase one he makes you all good he makes himself all bad which he couldn't do with his original mother his original mother was all bad he could not idealize her but he idealizes you he makes you all good which makes him all bad that is intolerable he moves to phase two in phase two he uses your goodness your alleged imputed goodness your idealized non-real not realistic goodness because remember he's interacting not with you he's interacting with your idealized introject in his mind so he then he then uses your goodness to idealize himself he says to himself if i'm with such a good perfect brilliant amazing beautiful talented intelligent super incredible woman it must mean that i'm the same i'm also amazing super incredible talented is that she would never have she would have never been with me she would have never loved me she would have never stayed with me had i not been equally perfect equally brilliant equally handsome like equally everything so he use he idealizes you in all and then the process of idealizing you is uncomfortable because the more he idealizes you the more he devalues himself this is completing the classic maternal splitting which he couldn't do when he was one year old but it's a temporary state because it's very uncomfortable so what he does he's he co-idealizes he says she's ideal that means i'm ideal and then he interjects you he internalizes you incorporates you he metaphorically swallows you he digests you because you know the in primitive uh in primitive uh people they eat the liver in the heart of warriors of you know they had a war and then there are prisoners of war and they eat the heart and the liver of the prisoners of war because this way they believe they can digest or absorb the courage and the bravery of the enemy combatants combatants and and the enemy combatants the the their traits and properties reside in body organs the gnosis is the same with you he internalizes you he incorporates you because this way he can absorb your goodness and become good stage one you are all good he is all bad stage two core idealization if you're all good means he's all good to prove this to himself he stage three he internalizes you he incorporates you he swallows you he digests you he makes you disappear absorbs your goodness thereby becoming an entirely good object he now becomes all good so in this process which is an intricate dance two steps forward one step back and so on he needs to test you he needs to make sure that you're all good this is post traumatic hyper vigilance maybe you are like his mother maybe all bad maybe you're just pretending to love him so he needs to test you all the time he tests you by abusing you this is narcissistic abuse type one he abuses you to test you he pushes you to the limit he he creates elaborate situations to trip you up sets you up for failure i want you to understand that very often this masquerades is benevolence it's love so someone who gives a hundred percent of himself to you is setting you up for failure because you cannot give back a hundred percent someone who is too good to be true is setting you up for failure you cannot be too you cannot be that good ever he sets the bar so high that you will never never make it you will fail it's an example of testing he puts you in situations where you will end up you know drunk and with with another man that's testing he constantly criticizes you and challenges you so that's testing he wants to see are you truly a good object because his mommy deceived him he thought his mommy loved him he thought his mommy accepted him he thought her love was unconditional he was wrong and consequently for the rest of his life decades he could not complete the splitting process and could not grow up now he was his last chance his second chance his last chance it is true that he will experience parenting and mothering proper good enough mothering and to accomplish this he needs to split you and then needs to interject you to absorb you to incorporate you need to become one he needs to become one with a good object but it's very terrifying because becoming one with an object is disappearing he needs to sacrifice himself he's used only to sacrificing himself he sacrificed himself to the false self so he wants to sacrifice himself to you but he wants to make sure that you're worthy of the sacrifice that you're truly good so he has to test you when you fail his test he reverses the whole thing reverses you he splits you again but now you're all bad you're all bad and he avoids code evaluation because look if you're all bad and you're still together means he's an idiot means his judgment is poor means evil is not omniscient if you're all bad it challenges the grandiosity of his false self so he needs to discard you the minute you fail these tests and they are very very surreptitious stealth subtle occultists you don't even know that you you're being tested you don't understand what are his expectations what does he want so very likely you're gonna fail the likelihood of failure is enormous you fail he devalues you it evaluates you he has to discard you because if he devalues you and you stick around you are challenging his grandiosity and his false self and that is absolutely intolerable okay i hope you got the picture i want to make um i want to finish by as usual mentioning literature and this time a classic mr dr jekyll and mr hyde you know we are so brainwashed by messages propagated promulgated by the education system mass media experts authorities that we don't it's extremely rare that we stop to think actually critically think for example we all believe that dr jekyll was the victim of mr hyde to remind you dr jekyll was a very vulnerable well-respected renowned doctor in the story by stevenson and he invented a potion concoction a kind of medicine that he that he would swallow and when he swallowed this medicine he became mr hyde not dr jekyll anymore but mr hyde mr hyde was a psychopath sadistic killer horrible man rapist i mean you name it you name it he did it horrible person dr jekyll lover of humanity medical doctor savior of bodies and souls and so on swallows the medicine or the potion becomes mr height the exact opposite a psychopath if ever there was one so everyone says poor dr jekyll he clearly is mr hyde's victim because he had to pay the price of course once the potion wore off he reverted to being dr jekyll and he had to pay the price for the misdeeds and misconduct in criminal activities of mr hyde so everyone says jekyll his highest victim i'm saying exactly the opposite mr hyde is dr jekyll's victim because the control was with dr jekyll dr jekyll could have decided to not drink the potion hyde had no control over it it was dr jekyll who always invariably made the decision to manifest actualize and realize the poor mr hyde mr hyde couldn't help it he was a psychopath there's nothing he could do about it dr jekyll could help it and he made choices and he victimized hide dr jekyll says in the book i knew before i left the hospital that i was not straight that despite all that was available there nobody was sharp enough to pick up my secret and i didn't want anyone to learn my secret that sounds pretty psychopathic to me lamb in 1996 analyzed this argument and the complexity of of the argument and he asked the question uh could it be that the individual perpetrator is not blameworthy could it be the doctor high is that mr hyde is actually not to be blamed because you know his actions he was dr jekyll's of their ego his actions were not his own they were fully controlled by dr jacob dr jekyll took a drug that required premeditation planning preparation of the potion took a long time it was a conscious act and he took the drug and he transformed him into mr hyde mr hyde was an addict in a way and he was created by dr jekyll's need to continue his experiment he was an experimental creature hyde was a villain he committed heinous horrible acts there's no disputing this but who who whose is the moral responsibility dr jekyll recognized knew about hyde he knew about mr hyde he knew that mr hyde is hiding inside himself he could not refer to hide as i because hide was yes an ego alien ecosyntonic ego dystonic introduced so he he disowned height he rejected height he hated height he was referring to him in third you know you he used to call him height as though it's not himself but it was a part of himself and to have continued to experiment inflicting untold damages over hundreds of people strikes me how to put it gently is extremely psychopathic perhaps after all there was not much difference between the unscrapulous relentless ruthless callous disempathic dr jekyll and his mirror image hide perhaps height was dr jekyll's dark side but definitely a part of him an integral part of him a perfect reflection of him dr jekyll was mr hyde in hiding that's all as dr jekyll himself states in the book i know i'm here i'm not i know i'm he but he is hyde yeah very convincing there was a guy called dr hans prince horn the isle he wrote interesting works in art history and psychiatry he sort of conflated arteries history in psychiatry and he wrote a book he studied the art of the mentally ill art created by the mentally ill um bill nye the geistes krenken it's called was published in 1923 he studied the psychology of expression he he came up with a fascinating list of six fundamental impulses regarding self-expression uh he believed that people create art in order to make contact with other people that art is an interface a communication interface between people like the ancient moderns the fifth impulse of six um he attributed to psychopaths he said the fifth impulse is the tendency to imitate or copy and he said this undeniable pleasure involved in this achievement mcgregor analyzes it in 1989 and it's very interesting that he believes that psychopathy consists of imitation or copying because when we act out what is to imitate to copy is to not be ourselves when you image it you are not yourself when someone someone makes an impersonation of me with meaning he is not being himself for the in that moment so imitation copying is denying yourself that's really the crux of psychopathy it's remember what i said earlier externalizing introjects he meninga wrote in 1963 the aggressive instincts lack discrimination lack judgment lack perspective lack everything but power and the destructive goal test bonding the serial killer you know he was interviewed by stephen michaud and hugh ainsworth in 1999. or at least they published the interviews in 1999 and they tried to talk to him about the murders but he wouldn't he didn't want to talk about emergencies he talked about everything under the sun politics history art you know he was he was by the way a genius he had as far as i remember 160 iq but he wouldn't talk about the murders and so the interviewers were at in any impulse they were like a dead end and didn't know what to do and suddenly it took her to them they said to him ted would you would you like to talk about the murders in the third person like it's not you it's someone else use v don't say i killed her say he killed her and bandy agreed immediately to this arrangement and opened up and discussed the murders in full detail using the third gender pronoun everything he said was clearly about himself but it was presented in the third person depersonalization narcissists anyone everyone will always come across analysis or many psychopaths and many borderlines they talk about themselves in third person they don't say i did it they say vaknin did it or vaknin is the victim of coaches bad experts or trump is hated trump would say about himself trump is hated third person okay i will take this opportunity to answer a question of of yours in a single sentence and i'll dedicate a whole a whole video to this contempt contempt is a driving emotion sentiment in narcissism in psychopathy contempt it's a crucial element of grandiosity and there's contempt for weakness perceived inferiority inadequacy emotions vulnerabilities neediness clinging attachment and bonding empathy and altruism how many one two three four five six seven six seven eight nine nine or ten types of contempt and i will analyze this in my next video you have my full contempt and i wish you full recovery from this video if you made it to the end youtube provides me with an amazing statistic half of all viewers sign off after the rant and the jokes they're utterly uninterested in the topic so how can i give you my respect contempt contempt it is stay tuned for the next episode

Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin

Views: 99,474

Keywords: Narcissist, borderline, splitting, repression, denial, projection, identification, intimate partner, testing, incorporation, good, bad, objects, psychology, personality, childhood, development, growth, relationships, mother

Id: hLoCU1688SY

Length: 74min 58sec (4498 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 21 2020