My Struggle with Schizoaffective Disorder

I felt like I had a very important message very important vision for the world and for all human beings that I had to Express at various times I was diagnosed with depression bipolar disorder and schizoaffective disorder the medications I've been on wellbutrin lithium lorazepam clonazepam risperidone cipro Lex celexa seroquel paxil zoloft valproic acid lamotrigine olanzapine trazodone schizoaffective disorder it's one notch below schizophrenia where you don't see or actually hear anything but you have these feelings that aren't necessarily real where your friends hate you your family hates you intense paranoia fear to leave the house just extreme anxiety just it's it's it's painful to exist in grade 10 when I started the extreme sadness where thinks nothing was really enjoyable I couldn't focus at school I didn't feel like seeing friends playing video games wasn't enjoyable so I saw a family doctor I started on celexa an antidepressant I found celexa didn't do anything so I saw a couple different psychiatrists so I was put on paxil but my behavior started changing to where I was very distant and disconnected and my family couldn't really talk to me anymore and the only thing I could really do was was either you know end things or make make a big statement or a big impact where people understand that this is a whole other level of pain going on so I actually recorded myself smashing ketchup bottles BBQ sauce bottles with a bat in my basement and apparently is hiding knives around the house throughout this period I went to the emergency room a couple of times now trying to commit suicide the hospitals wouldn't take patients in unless the police brought you in so my parents were you know the only option they had was to call the police and and and have me escorted over to the hospital so one day I was in my bedroom there's a knock at the door and the police are at my bedroom door and I'm taking over to the hospital and and as far as I remember you know I of course I did not want to go in so I was in the hospital for about a month and it was put on four medications right away was absolutely you know thrown into this other world that was just a complete shock to the system where I had to really accept what was happening in order to to start to get well but it took a long time to get to that acceptance Hospital a long long long depression and really there was there was no improvement for you know virtually two years you know the feelings were were very much suicidal on a daily basis and it was a matter of of mentally figuring out how to keep any amount of hope at all cognitive behavioral therapy was really the system that I began using to figure out what was real in a sense and what wasn't and cognitive behavior therapy essentially is writing down your thoughts on paper analyzing them and by being able to do that it really helped me you know look at things from a third perspective separate myself from myself every thought helped structure itself to to head towards a positive outcome and I did find a medication that that made a big difference and that was seroquel which made a big difference right off the bat within a few days and it's an anti-psychotic medication with heavy side effects but it was the first time I felt a little bit of relief and just enough to really help that self coaching and that cognitive behavioral therapy you know to test the waters and and go out to social events more and to see friends and and and really try things so there were about five six years where I was on seroquel and lithium and things were stable I was functioning but I was really sick of not feeling the way I wanted to feel and I you know I lost faith in medication and in psychiatry and I started to convince myself that this was not about brain chemicals and about medication this might be as simple as you know the way society is the way the world is around me and it's all external and I started to go lower and lower on my medications and it it really started a big crash where a lot of these intense symptoms came back and it was the the heavy anxiety the the doom and the darkness and not being able to even get out of bed or do anything and that was such a disappointment that I was never really as close to suicide as at that point I was able to eventually find a doctor and it was beginning from scratch with medication trials overall I was able to actually get off seroquel and be on other meds that were a lot lighter that I'm still on right now that really have next to no side effects and I found a place you know within the past three four years that that was just a very positive place feeling good and and I can definitely say that I I am where I want to be and I'm getting things done my career is is working and starting to take off I think it's essential that people who are diagnosed get into the mindset of positivity motivation building a momentum that they are important and they're their views are important if you're diagnosed with something well express it talk about it what are your views on it and and not just be thrown into a corner and you know don't speak just here's what you have that's it you support Ontario's public television donate at TV org

Channel: The Agenda with Steve Paikin

Views: 152,054

Keywords: TVO, TVOntario, Agenda, Steve, Paikin, current, affairs, analysis, debate, politics, policy

Id: xudcN_7NlIA

Length: 7min 35sec (455 seconds)

Published: Thu May 03 2012