My Criminal Dogs

continuing on with the case of Bryson V Bryson on whether or not to adopt a dog we will now hear from the plaintiff the floor is yours your honor the defendants claim that adopting a dog will improve our mental state and make us happier is sheer lunacy dogs are messy unruly animals if allowed into our lives this animal will shed everywhere raid the trash cans poop and pee in the house and bark constantly and the dog in question is a pitbull do I need to bring up the statistic this case speaks for itself protect our resources your honor do not be tricked into supporting an unemployed freeloading dog thank you Mr Bryson Mr Bryson your defense the plaintiff's claim is entirely conjecture as opposed to them I have concrete evidence that my client is a good boy worth adopting presenting evidence a objection your honor overruled my baby boy I love you so much you are my PR and joy when I look at your face I see your silver smile for you I would go the extra judging in favor of the defendant happy happy happy hi I'm Bryson and today I want to tell you more stories about this creature and later we'll be talking about his partners in crime my siblings dogs this is Bo my 5-year-old rescue Pitbull but he's the good kind of pitbull he's never eaten a toddler at least not to my knowledge he has Bluetooth connected to my soul and I will love him forever even though he's the best dog of all time that doesn't mean he hasn't been involved in various Shenanigans hyinks escapades and crimes let's let take a look at his criminal record shall we to start off let me tell you about the only fight Bo has ever been in so there we were at the dog park Bo was having a grand old time frolicking with the other dogs then in walks a Great Pyrenees for anyone that doesn't know a Great Pyrenees is basically the closest you can get to legally owning a polar bear he was a big boy and his name was Wallace now Bo is usually good with other dogs but sometimes when there's a dog that's bigger than him he feels threatened and wants to establish dominance but B saw Wallace and immediately decided to F around and believe me when I tell you he found out Bo ran over and jumped up to put his paws on top of Wallace Wallace didn't like that they started angrily barking and fighting and the other owner and I quickly separated them but Wallace wanted to set the record straight he walked over to Bo and placed his paw on his shoulder as if to say do you feel in charge B didn't like that Bo growled and then jumped up to attack but Wallace simply plowed into B and threw him flat on his back oh no dog was hurt but needless to say Bo got humbled that day and hasn't tried anything like that since to be honest he probably needed to be knocked down a peg or two it builds character but you know lots of dogs bark at each other let's Crank It Up from a misdemeanor to a felony he steals garbage from my trash cans and then stores it outside it's like a dragon with its horde of gold except it's a dog with trash literally as I was writing this script I heard him start mucking around in the bathroom trash can I get bloody noses in the winter and my used bloody tissues are some of his favorite things to steal for some reason I guess he has a taste for human blood now it's probably fine and of course he licks everything his paws his butt my face in that order and he also licks my arms and legs all the time I'm starting to agree with the theory that dogs lick us because they know there are bones underneath how many licks does it take to get to your Center father but those are still pretty standard dog Shenanigans let me tell you about his most diabolical crime his magnumopus if you will at my old place I noticed that b had started to lick the corner of my couch every so often it was kind of annoying but he had conditioned me to just be used to him licking everything at that point a few weeks went by and he kept licking the couch regularly finally I decided to check it out expecting a toy or ball or something I reached in and pulled out a stick of butter he had stashed it in my couch for weeks as I thought about it I felt more and more betrayed this wasn't just normal mindless stealing this was calculated it was intelligent and it was planned he not only stole from me but he had the foresight to stash it hide it in plain sight so he could Savor the flavor for longer so I'd be there on the couch petting him and loving him unaware of him enjoying his stolen goods and then several times after that I'd come home to an empty butter wrapper on my floor and get this as I was moving away we took apart my bed and found another stick of butter stash behind it I then moved into my new house and got security cameras and look what my camera caught I came home and my butter tray was lit clean the lesson you should all learn from this is that that if you're within a 500m radius of bow and you think you still have butter left in your house check again I seriously think his butter addiction is why he has such a shiny lustrous coat do his Crime Stop there no as I was settling into my new house I finally decided to upgrade to a big fancy bed in my old bed bo always slept with me and he had some separation anxiety so I decided to let him join me on my new bed the first few nights went off without a hitch then one night I step out of the shower and he pee on my bed I immediately started screaming at him and kicked him out of the room I stripped the bed and fortunately my mom had encouraged me to get a waterproof sheet for my bed I thanked my lucky stars because it was almost game over there's no power on Earth that can unpass a mattress it was a close call but my mattress was safe I marched over to B shoved the pained sheets in his face and screamed what is this why did you do this bad dog Bo looked at me like he had never looked at me before terrified and trembling my anger melted away and I started crying and apologizing fortunately bone never peed on my bed again though because he's been banished from my room for all time seriously this dog had it made sleeping in a king-sized bed and somehow he fumbled it that's on you B Bryson listen to me please please listen don't turn me into a marketable plushy that's right we got a new bow play isn't he the cutest thing ever disclaimer himation is not responsible for any damage as caused by the flush such as trash ORS piss on vets or Sten butter B do you like it uh-oh use the link in the description to pre-order it now okay back to the video on paper all the bad stuff about dogs makes it sound like torture but the feeling you get when they snuggle with you on the couch and give you kisses just emotionally makes it all worth it taking care of an unemployed freeloader who actively makes messes and ruins stuff is actually super rewarding who would have ever known that [Music] plus he's not a human child so he doesn't get offended when I call him stupid and stinky so he won't need therapy later in life but he might need physical therapy because he hurt his leg we were at a park and I told him to go down the slide he went down and I thought it was awesome then I told him to do it again so I could get it on video and up there up come down the slide come on yeah no and he hurt his leg just kidding that was a lie he was perfectly fine after that not even a scratch you want to know how he really hurt his leg we were visiting my mom and he was walking on the hardwood at a normal speed and then he slipped and fell over and started yelping sorry it was a freak accident and I have no idea how the slide did zero damage and a little slip did 100 damage seeing my special boy have to limp around makes me so sad now he needs surgery to fix his leg so I'll let you know how that goes I will do everything in my power to help him recover although it is funny that despite his injury he still steals my trash and my butter nothing can stop him but I haven't introduced you to Bose's packmates yet let's start with his roommate Braden and Kira's dog Winston to help you get to know Winston better I've made a list of his pros and cons the pros I like when he sits in my lap and I I like the way he smells literally everything else about him is a con let's get into it his life is literally perfect but despite this he grumbles and groans and complains all the time he has everything he could possibly need and more and yet he's always like Winston and Bo have a LoveHate sibling esque relationship Winston clearly doesn't understand how easily Bo could destroy him because he mouths off to Bo and attacks him all the time I mean look buddy you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself because I promise you it would take less than 10% of his power to evict you from this plane of existence of course I love Winston but he could definitely benefit from an attitude check also wiener dogs in general are just funnyl looking dogs were never supposed to look like this but humans were like hey look through selective breeding we can turn this Noble creature into a cartoon character B was very easily potty trained I looked at him and said you go pee pee and poo poo outside and he said okay I understand but Winston's brain is so small that potty training just doesn't work on him he regularly poops and pees on my carpets and refuses to go outside in the dark on multiple occasions he is pooped right next to the dog door inside the house he is just openly mocking me at this point but the worst was when I moved into my new house everything was brand new I was so happy then we discovered that Winston had peed in one of the only carpeted rooms in the house almost everything else was hardwood and he purposefully peed on the carpet my mind flooded with rage destroy the child that sounds a little dark for you now go ahead it'll be easy like breaking a toothpick show me [Music] I knew you couldn't do it even when you have nothing to lose you're weak and I've outgrown you he also steals Bose food all the time Winston has literally stolen treats out of his mouth before hey you know you could destroy him easily right I'm I'm just making sure you know do with that information what you will I will consider these things but one time the vet prescribed both some painkillers and Mild sedative since he hurt his leg I put it in his food and apparently Winston stole it and we found him sitting in the middle of the stairs high as a kite it's like he started going up the stairs and forgot where he was and just stayed there how did we get out here in the middle of the ocean he is now on a diet because he was getting fat from all the theft even though Bo and Winston have their sibling arguments it's still funny to see their pack mentality once we were at a big dog park and Bo was playing with a Great Dane Bo barked and Winston heard and thought Bo was in trouble so he ran to help help is on the way here like buddy what are you going to do against the Great Dane nibble his ankles luckily Bo also has Winston's back at that same park Winston growled and barked at another big dog and Bo got between them and was like what is going on here dude he literally barked at me for no reason oh yeah he does that as you were I like Winston but B is just objectively better in every way watch welcome what's your name you're a singer okay good [Laughter] [Music] luck thank you so much for auditioning on the show from for singing such a beautiful song and even though you haven't competed you've already won good evening what is your name do you sing for a living all right sing for [Applause] us now it's time to introduce you to Brody and Jen's dog Molly I think the quick way for you to get to know her is to see what happens when you ask her to wait or show any kind of restraint at all here's a video of Brody asking Molly to patiently wait before being let outside to go potty back up back up back up as you can see she has a hard time controlling herself she chirps like a bird and gets so excited when she sees us because her main goal in life is to lick the inside of everyone's mouth and I'm hesitant to let her because she has literally eaten and rolled in poop before one time Brody was visiting and Molly wanted to spazz out and lick everyone's mouth like usual but Brody wouldn't let her she started freaking out and screaming so Brody picked her up and she started shaking and thrashing and then pooped into the air while he was holding her you need to leave sorry all her stories so far involve poop that's just who she is I guess she's quite the goofball when you dodge too many of her kisses she gets mad and will bite your nose she's so fast that it's hard to hold her away from your face and keep her from kissing you it's almost like she can no clip past your defenses in order to lick your face also her ears are so big and pointy I feel like she can hear my thoughts Brody sometimes calls her his little fruit bat because of those big ears and her eyes look like someone started applying eyeliner and then gave up halfway through and of course no dog story is complete without the ride of passage of the dog oh almost dying one time Brody and Jen were cleaning out a relative storage unit when they heard Molly chewing on something it's a brick of rat poison oh my God they rushed her to the vet and the vet gave her eye drops to make her vomit the poison because apparently that's a thing I don't know anything about how any of that works but they saved her and she's okay woohoo Molly I really thought this went without saying but please don't eat poop or rat poison and then there's my childood dog Dixie she's really old and deaf and can't see well and can't control her bladder anymore and she's basically skin and bones but she still seems to be enjoying life and is always happy to see me she also recently has decided to never eat dog food again so she has fed hot dogs and chicken nuggets and leftover meat she's living like a princess she's had a lot of Adventures and has been a fantastic family dog I don't know if she'll still be alive by the time I post this video but here's hoping they are a silly bunch of dogs and they're always getting up to Mischief but I'm so glad we have them they're all very cute but of course B holds a special place in my heart I seriously love Bo like a son and I would do anything to protect him to sum up my case your honor the evidence clearly shows that these dogs have caused more harm than good since they've been around for the common good your original ruling must be overturned objection your honor these dogs are radical and dope and the plaintiff is ugly and stupid also take a look at this a judging in favor of the [Music] [Music] defendant hi I hope you enjoyed the stories about the little goobers in my life which dog is your favorite there's only one correct answer by the way don't forget to check out the bow plush in the merch store use the link in the description to check them out thanks to my fabulous team for their amazing work on this video thanks to Circle tunes for voicing bow and thanks to our patrons over on our new patreon and thanks especially to you for watching watching these videos helps me continue to do my dream job and I'll never be able to properly express my gratitude for that by the way while you were watching bow snuck into your house and stole all your butter sorry okay bye

Channel: Haminations

Views: 5,297,761

Keywords: Haminations

Id: mp88N6ItZko

Length: 17min 20sec (1040 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 14 2024