My Coming Out Experience

hey guys so today I wanted to do something just a little personal from a YouTube channel I wanted to do my coming-out story I'm usually not in the mood to talk about this I'd like to do peppy and fun videos and try and make people laugh but um I know it's raining outside and I've just has been one of those mornings when I've been thinking about a lot of things so I thought I'd share my coming-out story I'll try and make it too sappy and all trying to teach a lesson at the end or moral have had moral to it but I mean just sir from the beginning I grew up in a town of a thousand people give or take um berry backwoods very southern very country and most people in my grades throughout school from elementary to high school there's about forty people in like always forty people with my grades so it's very small I knew everyone's name by heart and see Elementary I didn't know I was gay in elementary I was too young to know like differentiate between hetero and homosexuality I just remember that I like to paint my fingernails with my cousin I played dolls with her we played mash I hung out with girls all the time my best friend's were girls my first crush was Aladdin and my first actual like real crush was Joktan Taylor Thomas from home improvement if I chose my age and I remember those things from elementary and then when it came to middle school I began realizing that there was a name for it and I was gay I was raised in a very Christian evangelical household and I mean I was saved from the age of seven but I guess like I didn't fully understand homosexuality was until like middle school and it was until then you know I realized oh I do hang out with girls all the time I do find you know that made attractive I have found you know other people in the past attractive that I truly realized that I was gay and there was a name for it I just never really thought anything up I just thought it was I was being me and being raised in a very Christian household and finally like learning what homosexual homosexuality was it really conflicted with me and I just I know it's very hard because my both my parents are involved in the church I went to church three times a week religiously in church and I was very very much a church boy like very sweet church boy and you know the two kind of conflicted with each other and like tore at me and you know through middle school and then leading into high school I was hard enough that going into high school I was very I mean puberty hit me hard I was very very tall very lanky very pale skinned I had acne all over my face I had just a hard time like fitting in with others not just because my parents is a huge part of it but because I was gay and I didn't really know how to you know had it come to terms with it I couldn't I didn't feel like I could tell anyone because mostly people in my grade I just didn't think they were very accepting of it and I've learned now after you know college and everything that there are some that were and I feel like most of them are now maybe it was just a high school thing that I felt like I couldn't I mean I remember some of the male straight classmates going through the hall I never won banging on the lockers and saying kill the and I'm not kidding when I say that that's one thing that definitely sticks out my mind he also said like he wanted to take all the gays put them in a pit and burn them alive and I don't know why but it's just like things like that that stick in my mind and like terrified me to come out in high school and I had friends but like I didn't have many I was very very lonely in high school and I I knew I was gay in high school definitely and just I didn't have anyone that I could turn to and tell it wasn't until actually after I graduated high school and I was I took a little bit off in between high school and college and I had one very close friend that I thought I would tell at the time I also met my first actual boyfriend I was either 18 or 19 and it was a very short-lived relationship it was just like I don't know it was just my first boyfriend and also at the same time you know I told that friend that I was gay and she gives her a hard thing for me to do and I told her over phone and she was like not really accepting like she wasn't angry she wasn't yelling or anything like that but she was just like you know your environment that you've been raised in and you shouldn't be that way and I'll pray for you and all this like I still love you how you are I was just like like I didn't want to come out because of this reason like this is one of my best friends and she doesn't fully understand and I tried telling her and like I still love her and she loves me and she just didn't fully understand and she's very also you know straight to the Bible so time went on and well I was still with my boyfriend at the time and it was the 2008 elections because I remember I was supporting Obama my mom didn't like that because I was supporting Obama and she was like if you vote for Obama you're not my son Babylon I thought just kidding I guess but I was like well I went to a vote for Obama because he stands up for things that I believe in also and yada yada and eventually things like around that time just came to it and she just flat out ask me she was like are you are you gay and it was like my heart was like dropped into my stomach and I just like it was that moment like I had to tell her and I was like yeah and then after I told her yes pretty much just help our clues it was it was a horrible night I remember her calling me a bunch of names she called me she called me a freak she called me I remember abomination being in there pretty much I felt like the lowest person on the face of the earth and it really really sucked I knew that she wouldn't take it very well but I didn't think it would happen that way I didn't know I'd be called so many names by my mom and I know it was like an in-the-moment thing where she just didn't know how to deal with it so she called me things like that just I don't know out of being scared but no really hurt and we got this huge huge ordeal and I eventually I left the house and I found a place in town an hour away I started going to college and I just I got away from my hometown and it was good it was good for me I started going to college and meeting people meeting people that work setting meeting people that were gay and that were just you know down earth and didn't care if I was gay or straight in the mean time my mom she you know let it spread throughout the family that I was gay my dad never talked to me about it thankfully because he's an elder of the church and I just I didn't want to hear what he had to say to me I didn't want to hear what my mom had to say it and you know throwing Bible verses at me left and right but um I mean it spread throughout the family and I remember like my and my well my aunt and my grandma specifically like you know texting me and calling me like we can get you help we can get you to this it's just like I don't I don't want to get through this like been going through this my whole life I used to pray every night that God would turn me straight because like I had hard hard time fitting in and like I honestly didn't feel safe in my school if I actually came out so I mean I prayed all the time that God would turn me straight and it just didn't happen I couldn't pray gay away so I finally like in college I realized like I can't I can never be straight like I have to be Who I am this is who I am and my aunt's my uncle's my grandma's grandpa's pretty much everyone in my family does not accept it like I have some cousins that are kind of accepting and my sibling is he's in the middle he's like middle ground he's not really for or against but most of my family has I don't know my family has actually been broken apart like I don't really see any of my relatives around like the time that this happened and it's not fully because of it there's some other family things but yeah I couldn't really turn to them I really don't have family that I can talk to but getting back to the happy parts in college you know I made all those friends that I could talk to and bond with and you know go out to gay clubs and you know just be myself and start actually seeing people for who they are and seeing cute boys I met my first serious boyfriend in February of 2010 and we dated for two two and a half years like having a boyfriend for that long and not being able to tell any of my family I never told my mom to this day still we're not together anymore but I never told her the two and a half years that we were together that I had a boyfriend and it really it still kind of kills me inside because it's been like it was two over two years and I were going to a family gathering once it doesn't happen very much my family but my brother and my cousins all had a significant other they all had their girlfriends their wives and then there was me just by myself I had a boyfriend at the time but I couldn't bring him around the family because they would not talk to us they would probably shun us and I'm not kidding when I say that or I don't know I just feared that they would like force us to leave or I don't know I was just very scared and after all the things that you know my mom yelled at me I never wanted to tell her that I had a boyfriend even though like I was in love and I was committed I felt scared to tell her my mom actually you know told me like a Kaede on occasions like you need to get yourself tested you are probably a or like she told me I was a she's like you're unattractive me and now and you're living in a bigger city and I feel like you know you have sex with anyone you can so you should probably get tested and at that time I was in a serious relationship with my boyfriend and that was just like a low blow like there really hurt and it was just sucked and she even like talked to my roommate my female roommate once like try and convince her to have sex with me so that I would turn straight and that I would like girls it was just a lot of things and we me and I'm Omar okay um today like I still vote her just my mom but I don't know she ever be like fully accepting of me and I don't know if you know she'll ever fully understand what I've gone through and really sucks not having family to turn to but in the end sometimes you just have to make do with friends that'll love you for who you are and that's what I had to do is you know just bond with the friendships that I had made and you know realize there will always be people out there for me even and even if my family doesn't accept or fully understand they they also love me I just miss Dawg seeing all the other gate youtubers you know make coming-out videos and they're like well went through middle school and then like you know everyone kind of knew but then one day I tell it then they're like ow well we knew you're gay and I mean I'm kind of jealous of them I'm extremely happy for them because I'm glad and then we can live in a time where people really know no but they don't care and that's becoming more of a normal thing and I'm happy for that so um yeah that's uh that's my coming-out story I know I made tons of great friends and I will always have my friends that are accepting and I realized who I really am over the years and that even though I am gay I'm not a freak and I'm not a and I'm not no an abomination I am Who I am i Calvin so um hopefully one day my family will now fully understand and I can you know marry the man of my dreams and they all come to my wedding so um hopefully with time I don't know it'll change because America as a whole is becoming more understanding and I just hope that it now spreads to my family it's hard when they've been raised in their kind of environment and Christian environment but um no that's anyway that's my coming-out story yeah so if you're out there and you know you are scared to come out just make sure that it's the right time don't come out at a time that could be dangerous because you know there are lots of kids that are bullied in high school because they are gay so if you feel like you know it's not safe to come out in high school it's fine to wait wait until college we until you're done with high school because trust me your college ears you know much more free you know if people don't accept you when you're in college then don't talk to them don't associate with them in high school what you're kind of forced to be around your family and your friends the same group all the time so if you don't feel safe wait and if your family is not accepting just know that they love you deep down that they don't fully understand and hopefully they well Monday and in the end everything will be okay you are who you are and there's nothing that can change that you are who you were meant to be so live your life don't let anyone else tell you that you're you know some freak or not normal because you are normal so don't let it get too hard you are you and that's pretty much all I have to say in regards that and I hope that if you do come out I hope it all goes well for you and that you can just live life happy and make the friends who are going to be your friends and love life for what it is so that's my coming-out story um yeah

Channel: Calvin Bremer

Views: 186,637

Keywords: coming out, gay, lgbt, LGBT Rights (Activism Issue), Pride, vlog, calvin, calvinbremer, Out

Id: kILSJPItwaI

Length: 15min 21sec (921 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 27 2013