My Brain Is Blowing Me Crazy (Full Show) | Guy Montgomery

you know cuz I know how it goes I know some of you you've come out this evening because um well you you already know you like me and that's great that's Aces I love that that's a very straightforward relationship but there will be others in the room who have been brought here because someone they know likes me that's a much more precarious Dynamic you know cuz now how well your night goes hinges on an external factor which is me and that's that's a totally unreasonable amount of pressure to put on me I don't want anything to do with your business I don't give a [ __ ] about you guys I just I just want to do my little jokes and you know and that's the plan so I'm trying to say thank you for clapping and before the Clapping I suppose it would have to be a big thank you for coming uh cu the Clapping the Clapping would be no good without the coming you know and you you would look DED you know cuz you'd be out out on the street going like that and go what are you doing you go I was thinking of seeing a show around this time felt pretty good maybe I'll go tomorrow yeah it's um I I think it's going to be fun you I've been working on this show for a little while and I've it's it's it's a good show but it's not perfect I'm not going to lie to you you know I'm still I'm even now I'm filming it this being committed to Celluloid even so I'm still you know getting under the hood tinkering moving stuff around and whatnot and tonight you will get to witness the launch of some exciting new sentences and yeah and and if you play your cards right you could also be at the funeral of the very same sentences you know which isn't an allog together unfamiliar life cycle for for a sentence most sentences live as they die very few sentences enter the you know the the pantheon of idioms or turns of phrase which is what you'd have to assume sentences aspire to be you know you know CU like letters you'd assume letters would aspire to be words yeah and words of course would aspire to be sentences and for the words I'm saying right now that dream has just become a reality and I I'm not saying that every you know not not every sentence is brand new like not every everything you know every sentence we say is usually a variation on a theme you know there's a lot of repetition in conversation like you must have overheard other people having a conversation before and thought nah you don't got to worry about that you know I talked about that last week that's done baby you move on well because I do like conversation like I like being in them I like listening to them I like going to a party and at a party you've basically got a pick aart you got two routes you can either you know talk to someone you know and know an entity or you can roll the dice take a p on a grunt and um yeah and I I love to I'll talk to a stranger and a party you know I I'll be talking to a new person I'll still be listening scouting for other conversations and what I find happens I'll be over here 30 45 seconds and doesn't take long to realize you're talking to a fizzer so I'll be you know I'll be over here talking to something I'll be listenting around seeing what's happening and over there looks like there's some big laughs happening over there you know it looks like they're getting into something pretty interesting over there and I'll be sort of a minute and now I'll be thinking well this is just my luck obviously I'm talking to these single worst conversationalists at the party you know this is a total dead [ __ ] and I don't have time for it anymore I just cut ties I get out of there I say you know I got to go and I'll go over there where the laughs are happening but what I find happens to me quite often is I'll get over I'll get over there you know where the where the laughs were were happening and the conversation sort of slows down almost grinds to a halt then I look back over there where I was that dead [ __ ] I was just talking he's killing big laughs over there now and I find it happens to me at most parties you know every single person I talk to it's just Dad after d after d and I'm not a very introspective person so I've not yet got to the bottom of it but I I'll figure it out don't worry about me I think the issue is you know every conversation looks interesting until you can hear it I I think that's true because even today so I've been having a very good time here in brisbee you know I've been uh trying to enjoy the local amenities I've been going for a lot of you got a lot of promenades down by the water you know you got a lot of walkways and you got to have the walkways cuz if you didn't have those you wouldn't be able to see just how Brown you got your River how' you how' you get it so Brown you're the talk of the River Community yeah but I was it was actually yesterday I was walking down by the river pass I don't know what sub of it is but there's like a pub or something called regetta I don't know if it's a pub or a club yeah we got some Enthusiast for regetta here and there were some enthusiasts there too outside out the front there were like six to eight guy big big guy you know like there's a sub genre of guys in Australia who spend all their spare time seeing how strong they can get like they just all their spare time they pour into just like trying to get their skin so Tor across the the muscle like they're stretching a canvas you know and once they're satisfied that they've stretched the canvas they'll go into the tattooo Parlor and they'll say could you could you pleas draw the worst thing you can think of down here and then they they congregate in groups and it's terrifying cuz they're all you know they're big guys they're all hanging out they look like professional athletes only they've got nothing to lose and they were and there were like six or eight fellas outside there were again having big laughs you know they were all standing around a group looked like they were getting out of there and I was kind of interested in what they were talking about so I slowed down my walk and I paused my music on my phone so my my headphones weren't even actually performing their job as headphones anymore they were performing the job of cloak so so I could hear their conversation and it looked like it was all last they were actually bullying one of their own they were bullying this guy who was on his phone we assume trying to leave and they going to him oh Greg this what they're saying they're saying oh Greg's [ __ ] whipped they're saying that and I was thinking come on Greg you know one one of the last things you'd want to be in front of these guys is [ __ ] Whi you got to be out of your mind you know but then they don't sto there either they started saying other stuff another one then said they said oh Greg's Mrs ha's man card oh Greg's misss has his manard I mean it is just mistake after mistake with this guy Craig you know I would never give my Ms my maner no no way Jose it's actually is a huge part of my identity it's um it's how I remember you know I forget I take it out and I go oh yeah that's right and I'll put it back in you know cuz I only just found out I am a man and there was a long time on I thought I was still boy but it turns out I have become man and I found out that you know and I'm as surprised as any of you who would have thought me a fon Nam guy and I I found out the same way I think a lot of people found out uh I was at the grocery store I was actually I was shopping uh for the ingredients for a humble pie I was going to bake up a little humble pie to feed my haters uh no no that one is a joke I I would never feed my haters no I was I was actually shopping shampoo and whenever I buy shampoo I always buy the same shampoo I buy anti- dandruff shampoo so that everyone else in the store knows my policy on dandruff Witch is against you know I know there'll be some Pro ders in but that's not my sent I like my scalps oiled and so I'm shopping shampoo and then just down the way there's a mom shopping with two young kids I guess about seven or n and I don't know what she's shopping for but the kids are running a mar they're not interested they're pulling stuff off the shelves they're throwing it both hither and and thether and they s you know and then they get bored of that and they start doing little like time trials little Sprints up and down the island it looks like quite a lot of fun you know and I'm damn certain I could waste them but yet you know I resist the urge to join in but then they start doing they start doing the whole AIS they start doing a Sprint where they're covering the whole and they're running as fast as their little bodies can carry them they're really hoofing it and the mom clocks it at the last second and she yells out hey boys look out for that man you know and so on Instinct I spin around I'm trying to figure out which Sinister figure we need to look out for you know who's trying to get there grab a little Ms on our hot little asses absolutely devastated to discover that I am that man CU I'm telling you I could have sworn I was boy and I I wouldn't lie I wouldn't lie about this you know you ask anyone who knows me there was a long time at the start it looked like all I was going to be was Boy sort of first 11 12 years I'm only 35 now that's over a third of my life can anyone be that a third of their life a boy yeah didn't [ __ ] think so yeah King boy up here I'm I'm King of the boys yeah move over Tuton Carmen there's a new king boy in town only just found out about this guy Tuton Carmen you know about this guy yeah 8-year-old boy they made him the king of Egypt that was a while ago but still Big Gig 8 years old huge gig you know I don't know a damn thing about irrigation when I was eight uh but it looks like he got away with it you know Egypt's still there but and honestly the old tent that doesn't really impress me you know any boy can become a king if they know the right people that's that is nepotism right there that's what that you know and it's it's hard to say when the change happens I find it's probably puberty that really sorts the men from the boys uh I will actually say and I wasn't really doing this in the show but as we're taping it you know you'd roll the dice you You' tell the anecdote because I grew up in a house we didn't really talk about like sex and sexuality or puberty or anything when I was um growing up and but I still remember one day we were at the uh I was at the grocery store with my mom and we were we we were next to the broccoli I remember she was putting her head of broccoli into the into the I would have been like 11 or 12 she putting a broccoli into the trolley and she looks at me and then she looks away and she goes you gr any pubic hair yet and I out of the blue you know and I don't know and she says well when you grow one you tell me I'll buy you a chocolate bar what so I I never told her you know as far as she knows I'm still smooth as marbles down there I just think it's disappointing to be you know not just a man but to be a grown up you know CU as grown-ups we're on the wrong side of History I don't know if you read a book about the baddies but they're nearly always adults you know you're not going to read a whole book about how a kid was was bad and it's hard you know it's just it's crazy to me because you talk to any parent and they'll tell you every child's a miracle and I'm not calling those parents lives but it seems statistically unlikely to me because nearly every adult I've met is a total [ __ ] disaster and so something is getting Lost in Translation you know but I just think you know to be a grownup for me specifically to be a grownup is a disappointment because when I was young I had aspirations to be a giant you know I was obsessed with giants I always looked up to them and I you know it was it was my it was my dream to just get to just keep growing tall but you know it just it doesn't it doesn't happen we just stop and it's crazy cuz for how prominently Giants featur in human mythology and stuff you'd think you know you'd think you'd come across one in your life and I've not you know and you'd assume also that'd be easy to spot on account of their signs and yet and I'm looking out this evening you know we got a full house in here we got a lot of people but I don't see any Giants you know and you know we all look like a do unless we got some teens in they could still be growing they could yet be a giant we got any teens in I'm not a cop not a cop also not a pedophile the big two now have we got any teens in oh we do whoa so you guys could become Giants you know that he are you any of you tall for your age no you don't know maybe do you want me to stop talking to you I can do it you know you got a lot of witnesses I'm on I'm on really thin ice here yeah is it fun being a teenager these days yeah oh that's cool are you guys worried about how hot it is only some of the time Hey cuz you can't worry all the time cuz then it wouldn't be fun anyway this you know like and I'm not saying that people don't get tall people get tall and they look tall but it's always to scale to another person right like you you're walking down the street you see someone who's 7 foot they look tall and sure I mean they look really tall on land but you take a seven-footer down to the ocean you introduce them to a blue whale and you go this this is pretty big for us you're going to get laughed out of the place and look you know I'm not saying that's right I'm just saying that's what would happen and here's some insult to injury I just found out the ocean by the way is still getting bigger greedy guts what are greedy guts already got 2/3 of the place and still want more huh how big is your tummy the ocean you know he's changing the conversation you know he's turning the tide and all this don't you know cuz you guys are an intelligent room you you guys are an intelligent room you must be aware of the long standing battle between water and land for who will control the Earth you know you got to admit we put a lot of our eggs in the land basket now there could have been a era and I tell you you know he's turning the tide and all this don't you know he's changed the conversation it's ice so I thought ice was on our side it turns out ice has been water the whole time I what a betrayal what a turn coat ice turned out to be I drink my enemy you know I just think we're so D Trot in by by this state of affairs you know that we we we don't even we don't even have new Giants in pop culture like the most famous Giants in the world now aren't even people you know the most famous Giant in the in the world now is not a person it's that it's that dog you know that big that big red dog you know the guy he's Clifford yeah you got it now tell has a funny thing about Clifford you know when he was born he wasn't even big he was red but no one thought that was interesting everyone was just like I will maybe that's how dogs are now you know but then he got big and all of a sudden everyone's bringing up the fact he's red again like that's new information I I don't know everything about him I've not read the books they're too long however what I would like to read is a book about this guy's genealogy you know I'd like to read a book where you got the mama dog and she's talking to the Pu dog and she's saying I'm telling you I I didn't [ __ ] no giant dog you know and the pub dog saying well I don't know what to tell you Maran I'm a border collee yeah I'm I'm not even red I got like one red bit you know cuz all the boy dogs have got the one red bit yeah and it's a striking color you know exactly what I'm talking about you know it's an unforgettable Hue and yet you cannot buy it anywhere you know no Corporation had the self-confidence you can't go into a a pain shop get a test pot to see how it looks in the bathroom no no if anything I think it should be a lipstick I think it should come in a in a fury little tube and you twist it out it's got a bulbous tip you put it on that looks good that looks good your friends say wow you look fantastic what are you wearing oh this this is dog dick by Maybelline you know they wouldn't they wouldn't call it dog dick the hardworking people in Maybelline they call it something a little classy they call it like lien which you know it's the same thing in French it's a disgusting language and so long as we're talking [Music] Maybelline at your insistence my I at if it turns out she was born with it they got they got some nerve putting their name in the mix that's all I'm saying arguably not a critical mass of Maybelline fans in for for that joke to truly sore this evening I if you don't remember Maybelline they had a long running ad campaign and the the slogan was maybe she's born with it maybe it's Maybelline one of the few Cosmetics Giants to build their ad strategy around the idea the model might not be using the product uh and the thing for me is it never made a jot of difference you know like all of the models were so so strikingly beautiful who cares what they were you know you never saw Maybelline filming ad in a rural bakery at 9:30 on a Tuesday morning being like we also take responsibility for these people and you couldn't make those ads anymore you know all the ads are different now I don't know who's to blame I'm assuming it's one of you one of you snitches you gone out and told multinational conglomerates about the climate crisis you know and you got a lot to answer for cuz now they've all lost their minds they don't even have the courage to sell me their products direct all their ads are telling me what they're doing on the back end like I give two shits I just want to buy something you know and actually I know that you know you guys what you got a federal election here in Australia next year is that right maybe year after I'm just curious you know I'm always trying to figure out my crowd show our hands next federal election who's voting for the Liberals disappointing that is hon no honestly is a little disappointing cuz I'm trying to get in this cashed up crowd and every year I keep getting you broke ass cuck old communist scum you come out for a laugh at Montgomery then you go home watch someone else [ __ ] your spouse in your share house it is embarrassing grow up all I'm saying is you know it's getting confusing when Nestle are telling us what they're doing for the environment you know like it every ad now it's just a big company going do you do you know about the climate he go yeah we just found out yeah all I'm saying is you know it's gone wonky with Nestle telling us about what they're doing for the environment you know like don't pretend you care you know like Nestle these are some of the famous they're the worst you guys got Nest here right yeah you have you ever bought something that's the thing they do goodu stuff but you know like these are bad guys and I could be the worst thing they did or one of they they bought up a lot of water reserves a while ago in North America then they bottle the water they sell it back to the community at prices they couldn't afford and now if you look at their ad materials for their drinks and all their bottles it's all like they're all trumpeting the fact their bottles are made from 100% recyclable materials like that makes a difference you know it feels a lot like neslo saying well here at the nest Corporation we may have been raw dogging the environment for the last 157 years but did you hear now we are wearing a condom oh that's thank you Nestle what a relief as we all lie on our Collective deathbed riddled with venial disease just in time I even gambling ads have lost the you know like it's I've been watching sports lately and gambling you know gambling corporations sound like the advertising Sports they're buying 30C TV spots for ads and they're only spending 25 seconds advertising in gambling and then the last 5 Seconds they're distancing themselves from gambling just believe in yourselves honestly it's so 25 seconds of two guys having the best day of their lives they're making money they're sacking piss they're high fiving and then 5 Seconds black screen white text you win some you lose more uh okay you don't know me I I I am a sensational Gambler you know cuz the way I look at gambling is I only stand to lose what I have I could make infinity you know if you've got this information it's actually Reckless not to gamble restaurants can't just be restaurants they're telling you what they're up to like I there's a place I was eating at I was in Melbourne for a month and there's a place I go to regular it was like a takeaway Japanese spot before you could even get through the front door they had a big decal on the front window with their stated goal or mission statement and it said our goal is simple to redefine what it means to eat I mean this is I mean this is a this is an unbelievably complex call this is snubbing your nose a millennia of human evolution you know if you're a restaurant I'd say ground floor your goal really would be sell food to the customer at a profit that's the ground floor and then what H honestly what happens once the customers bought the food I'm sorry to tell you it's not really up to you you know if you sell someone a sushi roll and then come around the cter and you see them feeding it up their own [ __ ] not only is that not your business it's certainly not your intellectual property that's that's their hard work you might have encouraged them but they figured it out themselves I just don't know what's going on because it's all the same people right in the ads it's always been you know it's a it's a group of exceedingly well compensated sort of 24 to 64 year old to figuring out how to sell me a hamburger in between between cocaine binges and you know I got I got no problems with that I like to be told to buy a hamburger as much as the next person I'm just white I think they haven't moved with the times with respect to their drugs I don't think that I don't think that cocaine is a good match for the ad industry anymore because cocaine will give you a lot of confidence in your bad ideas and anxiety in between I just think they got to start looking at the world from a from a new angle to reflect the Changing Times and I'd like to say I try and you know ear muffs for the kids here I but I try I tried over the the new year just been I tried a brand new drug a drug I never tried in my life before I tried a drug called ketamine now if you don't know ketamine is as it turn out it's actually horse tranquilizer so I this is not a drug to be taken recreationally H when I did it I did it very serious and I also I you know I'm not a monster I would never take care of me in the company of a conscious horse as it before I even looked at it I went around the whole block I made sure all the horses were sleeping I went easy girl easy easy and once all the horses were sleeping I thought down a little for me why not I've burned it I just tucked in like 12 horses yeah and it was crazy it just the whole it was just like cancer world on a whole new angle you know you're living on a lean it's kind of fascinating but the whole time I was on it all I could think about with the horses cuz imagine that your whole life you know you're a horse you're a horse you're a horse you're a horse you're a horse you're a and just when you're at the end of your life you know you're on the way to the knackery or whatever to be glue or food some guy comes up to you with a plate and says scrape together a line of that so you get your Hooves out you know and you you Hoover it up and then just when they're on the way down they're going what no not now but I'm just figuring it out you know it's no way to treat an animal yeah and I say this for people who work in advertising and I say this with no disrespect in tended I do not respect people who work in advertis yeah and that's with no disrespect intended I mean but what I will say I'm I'm proud to conceptually at least understand their job you know which I can't say for all jobs and add their job is to tell tell me what to buy and in that sense I'm grateful because if it wenter for them it never would have occurred to me to buy anything about and I sort of I I kind of conceptually understand like The Game of Life jobs you know the jobs you learn about when you're a kid you see them like on cards you know like doctor or astronaut you know teacher I and I just like to ask you guys must do you remember the first time you saw a teacher you're still at school and you saw a teacher out of context you know like you see a teacher at the grocery store and you think no um no absolutely not now look if you're hungry I'll bring you a sandwich at school but this is where the people shop you know but I know what they're doing when they go to work uh also say that for business I mean I've actually always been a bit vague on businessmen I mean I think even businessmen don't know what they're doing you go up to a businessman you say what do you actually do they go all it's business man yeah and when you're a kid you know you it's aspirational to be a businessman you think wow but you know that the needle goes both way they could be doing bad business when you grow up you actually learn businessman as a euphemism for white color sex criminal you know but I can sort of get my head around those job the jobs I don't understand really are like all of the modern job I don't understand any of my friends who don't work in the Arts or have a trade or one of those job I don't know what the workforce is doing anymore I don't know what you know like some on a Tuesday I want to hang out with a friend and I'll send them a text they'll be like do you want to hang out and I can't I don't know what they're doing I I I don't know what they my sister she's worked as a business analyst for 10 years I don't know what's happening day to day I don't know what she's doing in there I know her name is Annie you know and I I I know she calls herself a business Annie list and I like that that's nice but I don't know what she's doing I I like I can paint like a soft focus kind of watercolor image of what I think the work for us does though like you know I I and I can actually before I even get into that I can I I can tell you one thing we all do I think this is a great unifier one thing that everyone does every day you did it today we all pick out some clo you know we all dress ourselves we all pick out the clothes that we wear and I I just think that's a lovely thought you know every day you choose out some clothes and you look at them and yeah I'm a little bit like that you know and you put them on then you head out into the world and doesn't matter how long you've been practic iing you know I've been I've been practicing for 35 years some days I get out there and I'm in the world and I look at what I'm wearing and I think nah I'm not like this I [ __ ] this I hate this yeah and you you see it on other people too you see other people walking down the street and you think who buddy long day huh it's a long day it's a long day to be in the wrong clothes at work you they make it a little easier for you cuz it's a bit more prescriptive so what you wear you know it's probably not exactly what your employer would like you to wear and it's probably not exactly what you you want to wear you know so you put on this outfit that no one has asked for and you know and then you go this is just my guess you know and then you go in right this is in the morning you go in in the clothes you go to the big building and there'll be other likeminded people there in the clothes too you and you and you turn it on you turn on the machine yeah stop me if I lose you you turn you turn it on and there'll be emails all right yeah you'll be receiving them and if you know what you're doing you'll be sitting them as well and and so that's the workforce and and you know what I would like to know is has anyone here not not gone into work one day you didn't go into work you took a a mental health day or Si whatever you ever done that yeah and what happened did the company keep going yeah pretty demoralizing what are you doing in there you know they don't need you so even the job I thought I understood you know I don't quite what I thought like when you were a kid I thought the doctor was so straightforward you go to the doctor and it's their job to you know to patch you up you got the GP they sort you out they give you a lollipop they send you on your way and their live looks so clean cut to me you know you get home they got like a kid a cat a car a partner they got one of everything but then now I'm old enough I'm friends with some people who are doctors and the behind the scenes is not what I imagine like it's it's so much grittier you know like some of the doctors I know introducing me need to K himing and you figure you need to know a vet for that but it's best you don't have to worry too much about the workforce CU we'll all be out of a job soon because we're making all the technology smart so we can finally take a couple of plays off and we're like and we're getting it all so smart all the technology is smart now you can get a smart heater you know you get a heater so smart you tell the heater what temperature you would like it to be and the heater would be like nah you wouldn't like that and you know and you wouldn't have KNN that if it wasn't for the heater I bought a brand new TV this year first time in my life I bought a smart TV I had no idea the TV I've been running around with the last eight years was an idiot but my phone is probably my phone is probably the smartest piece of technology I have you know it's got all these little bespoke apps on it and stuff you know you open them up they do different things and sometimes I open up an app that I haven't used in a couple of months cuz I want to you know like use that and I open it up and the app will be like to me say oh hey guy what's up uh before you use me what is your password and I think what what are you asking me for you know I'm sure I told you you can't negotiate with these guys you know so I I I'll put in what I think the password might be and then the phone will be like nah it's not that you go okay so you do know [Music] but you know so what are you going to do so then I punch in some variation on a theme I might change a letter for number or some some other horse [ __ ] like that you know and it doesn't work and eventually the phone will be like you got to hit that forgot password button you know you had that and now the phone's got you where it wants you now you're in the phone's pocket and the phone's oh well so long as we're both here I've been struggling with a little bit of my phone homework lately I I was thinking you might like to tell me which of these images have stairs in you what do you do I don't know I just put it down you know I don't want to deal with that do you ever do that you ever just put your phone down just to you know just to see what your brain might actually like you to think about a lot of time be walking around and my brain will be like will be pretty nice to be on [Music] phone no you can't you I try to stay off phone cuz I'm trying to think of a thought yeah I just feel like I got to come up with one thought but it's you know it's I mean a lot of the time lately I I've just been thinking about fish H cuz I think cuz I've been so cuz I've been vegetarian for the last nine years but I I recently stopped because I accidentally remembered that animals are yum and you know and if you're try and not eat animals this would be damn near the last thing you want to remember and so I try to allay my guilt by thinking well you know maybe the Smart Ones don't get caught but I I I've seen the documentaries even those guys don't stand a chance but it it it feels different for fish right you know cuz with fish like with fish if I was so if I was in my day-to-day life I was just walking down the street like that you know and then a sandwich just suddenly appears in front of me no context just a sandwich there I would never eat their sandwich you know so that's how I know I'm smarter than a fish and and once you start thinking fish you'll be surprised they show up everywhere I'm staying in a hotel while I'm here it's got a little peep hole in the door and you think about this why is this peepole always from the perspective of a fish like why why when it comes to our home security are we the apex predator suddenly going okay now what would a fish do in this scenario you know I mean it's ridicul and every other ediom every second ediom is fish based you know you got bigger fish to fry Big Fish small pond different kle of fish drinks like a fish fish in a barrel Fish Out of Water we've even got a saying for when someone would like to talk about the the price of fish and their conversational partner keeps changing the topic and you go well what's that got to do with with the price of fish I mean I will con seeed that one's not really in circulation as much as it once was I mostly hear it when I'm saying it at parties trying to rout otherwise high functioning conversations to my preferred topic you know but that wasn't always a tired turn of f there was a time that bursts onto the scene you know there was a time that that saying was born and you'd have to assume it was someone who was shopping for fish so you know they're down at the fish market or whatever they go to the fish market and they say how much is it for half a kilo of baram Mundy and the fish maker goes oh yeah the bar Mundy yeah it's a great eating fish and I tell you that was a good catching actually had a good time catching that you know and I needed it too just cuz you know and I'm not one to complain I got a great life but it's just but you know I've I've been married for 5 years mind you you know and happily so but the last four of them my wife and I we've been trying for baby and just to know and we we tried everything you know and we were ready to turn our back and what that same from that Batman movie you know that the night is always darkest before the dawn so we're ready to turn our back on having this baby and it's all you know just as we were giving up all of a sudden you know miracle and Miracle she falls pregnant and it was a healthy pregnancy and healthy bir healthy M and Bub and we count Our Stars I just think we spend so long of Our Lives wanting a baby you know this idea of a baby we didn't account for the reality of having the baby you know cuz a baby's not sleeping so we're not sleeping and we don't want to take it out on the baby so truth be told it feels a lot like we're taking it out on each other you know and I walk around the house some I'm not I'm just I'm in a Malay you know I can't look at the baby without wanting to scream I can't look at my wife without seething with resentment you know this woman who's giving me everything I want I don't know where to take myself I shut in the bathroom I can't even look in the mirror cuz I hate the person who's looking back at me he's not the man I want to be you know I don't just cry I cry for hours I just I just sitting there crying and oh yeah oh man I guess for me the question you know what's well what's that go you know well that got to do with anything I forget the're saying but you know I just say we got to we got to treat fish with a little more respect I think the most disrespectful thing we do to fish what about this the only time we start charging real money for fish is once we've taken away all their utility you know you get him above water you put them on Ice you go now you're [ __ ] worth something you you fish you know no idea about that guy's life no idea what was going on down there on his day he could have been on his way to a big meeting you know little suit and tie flapping around launching some big new product you know in the in the boardroom running game being like okay Margaret let's talk marketing what's the roll out strategy when are we ready to go live Sean accounts talk to me I want to see some spreadsheets Ian did you order a catering no what else that sandwich doing there then hey gone you know dead and for what for a dry dinner no respect thanks for staying with me through the fish stuff uh I actually had a dream initially that the whole show would be fish material but yeah it didn't have the legs no no [Applause] that you know it's a complicated feeling when arguably the worst joke of the show gets guess the biggest clap uh I have truth be told I have been trying to write more material about you know the relationship between humankind and animal kind CU I think it's quite Timeless you know I think a lot of the greatest art created across all mediums has been about that that relationship and there's some art that you probably wouldn't even know about is about animal there's some art that you probably wouldn't even know is about animals that is like for example a lot of people don't know this did you know that John Mayor actually wrote the song Your Body Is a Wonderland from the perspective of a mosquito a lot of people don't know that and I've always been jealous of musicians how their G you know their gigs they'll be tuning up between songs now this little song I wrote when I were doing this and you know as comedians we don't get that luxury I we don't to tell you how we wrote the jokes but that that is a little joke I wrote when I was uh I was actually I was actually at home I was in Oakland I was in the in the Botanical Gardens and you know I I had a day to myself I had a day off and it stays in the room but what I'd done is I'd taken half a tab of the illegal drug LSD and I was having quite a relaxing day you know was sort of I was really you know looking at the grass thinking about the grass you know thinking about how the grass eats light really Blown Away by the grass and then I was lying on this bed of grass and I was thinking wow you know this is crazy and I was lying there and my eyes were shut and I could just feel on my leg it just a little mosquito zooming around and instead of the usual response being like yeah get out of here you mosquito I thought well I tell you I reckon they're going to be absolutely loving this and that's nice isn't it cuz you never think about it from the perspective of the mosquito yeah that's the that's the thing you know I'm not advocating for drugs at all but you know you take the right one at the right just recontextualize things that otherwi you know like it's you know we take so much of our life it's so boring we get bogged down in the manua in the monotony but you you know things are interesting you talk to a kid that's why talking kids is interesting cuz they're colliding with new information all the time that there's a great sense of wonderment at everything you know and I count myself lucky I'm actually and I haven't really talked about this in my standup before but I'm actually a step parent you know and I met my stepdaughter Olive when she was two she is now eight and you know I've also actually aged by an increment of six uh you know I mean she's growing up so fast but she'll never catch me and and it's a funny thing being a stepparent it's not what anyone plans for in life you know you don't know it's going to happen you fall in love with whoever you fall in love with and if they have children or family you absorb them into whatever version of a family you choose and for me that's being a step parent and I I say this with total sincerity it's the single most rewarding part of my life I love it so much but I I think the hardest part actually about being a stepparent is finding a family to break [Music] up I can't I care I care no yeah find the right family they will have done it themselves it's a funny thing though because you know in being a St parent you look around and there'll be step parents there'll be step children in the room it's so prevalent you know like every other family is a blended family now and yet there's no real public discourse there's no representation it's not really in movies or TV or whatever it's never been in stand up that I've seen which is kind of why I wanted to talk about it and and like the main example of a stepdad I still get given in a movie is uh Liam niss and that and Love Actually I don't know if you remember beautiful stepdad and Love Actually I don't know if you saw the sequel to that film taken you know even the best take their eye off the ball from time to time you know when I was writing the show I was looking I was trying to find examples of stepdads and pop culture and I was Googling around and there weren't a lot but there was a lot of you know there were a lot of Articles written by journalists about their experience growing up as a stepchild or being a step parent different techniques and that link to books and all of a sudden without realizing I started reading a book about like the step parenting Theory or you know techniques or whatever I was doing it for a couple of hours Chelsea my girlfriend came in and she said what are you doing I said it's pretty funny I was trying to find like stepdads and movies but actually as it turns out I'm reading a book on step parenting techniques and CH said well you know that is pretty funny because uh you've been a stepdad to Olive for six years now and and literally the first time it's occurred to you to read anything about it is for one of your little jokes yeah she's not covered in glory in this anecdote either you know I said how many books on step paring have you read yeah nothing well that's what I thought must be nice oh yeah must be very nice to rest on The Laurels of your unconditional biological love you piece of [ __ ] you know why don't you come down in the trenches put in a real shift like me cuz I'm not just a stepdad no no I'm the dad who stepped up to parent alongside olives incred L doting loving and present biological dad yeah she's got two dads yeah we don't [ __ ] or nothing which uh it does feel like a missed opportunity but yeah that joke sort of started as an adlib about a month ago and now that this is going to be put on the internet it will probably end as a semi-serious sit down chat with the guy [Music] um and and all going well he's actually amazing it's I really credit him and chse they work so hard to make the relationship work for all of us you know ol's had a stepmom who's been on the scene for as long as I have and it's kind of cool because I don't have any friends who are starting so it's nice to you know to be able to talk to someone who's starting the same child as you because it's it's an interest you know like I it's a unique relationship I feel such a deep paternal love for ol of I feel so connected to her but ultimately that's not my kid you know like there are parts of your life which are right inside of my field of interest but they're outside of my jurisdiction and that will always be the case you know because I will never have final s because there's always a biological parent on on hand and it can be small too like last week we were at home and it was a school morning Olive comes in 7:00 which is when she can come into the room and she's patting her tummy like this and she says I can't go to school today I got a saw tummy but she said it quite chipper like that and I say well I think you you know I think you're fine you're going to go to school today and she goes no but it's really sore and I go well you know sit on the toilet have some toast we we're going to school but then chse comes in she says no look you know she's told us twice she's got a sore tummy we should believe her Oliver us okay you don't have to go to school today and I said that's cool you know that's your perogative that's totally fine but olive what how old are you eight how long's School six 7 hours you're going to stay home for 6 or 7 hours pretending to have a sore tummy that's a long day that's a long day where I live that life that's no TV that's just your brain 6 or 7 hours you know I'm going to be watching you like a hawk too you better believe it as it turns out she was pretty sick but I you how do I know that I don't know that you know the moms know that and it's not even just small stuff you know like I love Olive is so different from how I was as a kid and it's magic I still love watching her collide with the things that I loved at her age I always love spelling so I always like trying to get and dis spelling another school morning I woke up at like 7:40 we all accidentally slept in so I got straight out of bed just still REM us went in the kitchen started making breakfast and then slowly chelse and Olive both sort of drift into the kitchen they're both in you know Jamies matching top and bottom and they sit down at the table and I'm cooking I'm just getting all to spell different breakfast foods you know I get her to spell egg and she hits EG hits it out of the park hits that second G no worries you know get get her on milk I get her on toast just bang head after head after but then I give her a pancake and she spells pancake p a n k a k e you know I think that's close but it's also wrong and to my credit I tell her as much but I could you know the thing about that is you can really see her working right because you think about the word pancake what do we got you got at the back end of the word pancake second and last L you got a k doing a Kay's traditional work you know lovely tall little K you know hard k sound that's what K's do do that's just doing what K's do but then you look two letters over we got a C working a double ship we got a C making exactly the same sound as the K it doesn't make any sense why we got the C working a double shift huh why have we got the hard C Sound at all C is a soft letter you say it off the tongue see it's gentle I'm suggesting we get rid of the hard seat you give all that work to the hard K let C concentrate on the soft stuff you do have to be a little bit careful here though because I don't know if you've noticed s is covering a lot of the soft sea shifts you know and if we're not delicate we could wind up putting C out of a job here now NE I remind you C is one of our headline letters I guarantee when you're thinking of letters c is one of the first three letters you think of you know and that's not by coincidence the whole alphabet runs best to worst that's just how they did it you know up top all the stars are out a b c vom you know and then you get down to the back end it's a bunch of rejected geometric Concepts that math didn't want they like pop them in the alphabet until math thought of algebra and they're like no actually we're going to need some of the freaks back and as I'm explaining all of this to Olive who is not interested and she just cats through it all midf FL she just cats through me completely and she goes Monty calls me Monty she goes Monty why are you wearing your your Ries and I go oh well uh Olive I guess because I because I I slept in my andies and then I woke up you know and I just we all slept and I wanted to start making breakfast so I just came straight into the kitchen and I'm still in my andies and she goes well you know cuz I'm in my Jamies and Mama's in her Jamies and you're and your undies your undies and your jammies okay yeah I suppose they are and she says that's silly yeah which sounds you know like a pretty innocuous put down but what you have to bear in mind is our house has also Fallen prey to political correctness having gone mad and so what she says is that's silly but what she's calling me is a dumb [ __ ] and you know and and she's got paperwork to support her argument she says that's silly because you wore those undies yesterday then you wore those undies to Beed and now you're wearing those undies today you need Jamies Jamies are for night and I you know I'm trying to create an argument to get my way out of this but I'm sort of hamstrung by the very sound internal logic that she's perform and so I sort of try to wave it off I just go what about you know I sleep in what I like and you sleep in what you like and we we'll just get on with our lives and it sort of works you know the conversation moves on and Chelsea's on drop off so they head off out of the house and it's sort of 9:00 now and I'm just at home I'm in the kitchen at the table by myself I'm still in my andies and I'm absolutely filthy I am fuming about you know I cannot get past it CU I've only owned one pair of Jamies in my life before my mom my mom bought them for me when I was a kid that she bought them from uh Peter Alexander I think that's an Australian store you know the one very very expensive and also not very well-designed J you know it's a win-win it's a great business model and she bought she bought me that you know and so I'm sitting there and I'm thinking I could actually you know what am I going to I could actually take action here I could go out today I could find and buy a pair of Jamies then later tonight at bedtime do a big reveal come out of the bedroom like look you were right I got the jamy so I look up where the nearest Peter Alexander store is it's an hour and a half walk from home and I think you know it's a Tuesday what have I got on I can build a day around this and so I make a plan I'm going to go out and I'm going to buy the Jamies but I'm not a total Maniac you know I'm not going to buy buy a peer of my first I'm I'm going to buy my first paer of pajamas in 18 years in total sobriety and so what I have is I would describe it as a small amount of weed and you know not and it's a funny it's a funny drug weed you know anyone who's tried it will tell you the difference between smoking the right amount of weed and too much weed is invisible but um exponentially it's a difference between quite a nice walk and a panic attack so you know I'm sort of straddling this line as I'm walking into the mall and I feel all right by the time I get to the mall but once I'm inside suddenly I feel very self-conscious I think everyone knows I'm here for the jam who they know they I lost this [ __ ] argument to a kid you know but sure enough they don't care they're all buying juice or whatever and so I go I got up to the Peter Alexander store and I get in there and you know there's no one else in there I can't believe it 11:00 on a Tuesday you assume this is this is rush hour at the jamy store and the attendant comes over and she says to me are you looking to buy some pajamas I just slowed down I actually had to step back out of the store and reread the sign to make sure it said Peter Alexander and not Scotland yach you I don't know why we got one one of our great detective Minds wasted on the floor of a pajama store and there unsolved crimes in our country but I said yeah I am she said you need any help no I don't need any help so I'm looking around and sure enough wall to wall ceiling to floor is an array of the worst looking sleepware you've seen in your life it's it's a total catastrophe but I find there's a sales rack and I find something they're not exactly to my style but they are in my size and I take a look you know and the The Price is Right $70 which seems that seems cheap for pajamas on sale right $70 and I checked the label and you know they're quality they're made in Indonesia so we don't have to worry about that you know these were not made by the clumsy sausage fingers of an adult no no these were stitched together but and so I get the Jamies off the rack and I take them into the changing room which I realize with hindsight is crazy you don't try on Jamies but anyway so get in the changing room and I dis R and I you know before I continue with the anecdote I just want to give you a little bit of cont I'll give you the autobiography of my life to this point okay and that would be this uh I was born no obstacles were put in front of me and now I'm here and so you know I'm not overstating it when I say I'm looking at myself in the mirror and it's damn near the lowest my self-esteem has ever been I look like a boy and a pedophile you know and I've got this attendant outside and she's going you're all right in there I can't tell her about the [ __ ] disaster that's happening in here you know and I don't have an exit strategy I can't leave I can't just if I leave that means I've spent a 5our round trip putting on a strangest pair of pajamas so I just get out I take him to the counter I swallow the cost she puts them in that bag with that little dog in the bow tie like it's pointing its nose at me like a neon sign saying check out this [ __ ] and I walk out of the mall and the whole you know the whole morning has just slipped through my fingers I walk out and I'm carrying this little bag of pajamas and I'm think how did I lose today so badly you know and I re I I really hate the P I really hate the pajamas but soing to talk myself and I think well you know what it's actually okay you know it's actually okay because you know you might not like the Jamies but you like the gesture like it's an act of love I've bought these because I wanted to do something good and I've bought them because I listen and I pride myself on my listening you know and that's not just in my family life e that's in my day-to-day life I like actually in my day-to-day life you might be interested to hear I like to think of myself as a feminist first comedian second proba a misogynist [Music] third no I'm joking I'm I'm actually a big style Ally big Ally up here I'm so I'm such an Al I'm one of the only guys I know who I actually so do you guys you all know about the Beck Del test have you heard of this yeah if you don't know Beale test it's a test in cinema test the representation of woman in film and for a film to pass the Beale test it has to feature two characters who are named who are woman having a conversation about something that isn't a man so you know shopping whatever and yeah even with these straightforward parameters it's a surprisingly difficult test for a lot of these movies to pass and I'm one of the only guys I know who every single day I sit out to make sure my day passes the Beck out test I do you know how hard that is for a fella every morning I wake up first thing I got to try and think of somebody that two woman might be and then I got to go there I got to get close enough to hear them talking hear their names and hear them have a conversation about something which isn't a man which is difficult these days because these broads are boy crazy but the other day I was in the park here and I there were these two wom I could hear them and the first woman says she says hey Carolyn and the next woman says yes Susan and I'm thinking Bingo but then Susan says she says can you see that man in the bushes over there just my like so I got to come out of the bushes dress in full camouflage mind you say ladies ladies can you see I'm helping I'm an ally I don't know what's going on with the state of society these days you could literally be screaming at a woman that you're a feminist and still be the bad guy okay I had to go on a cop C for that I tell you but it was okay you know there was two female officers so it's not a wasted day yet I could see the names on the uniform you know and and we're getting into the car and they're riding up front and I'm in the back and I'm okay with that and you know we're riding along and I can see them talking they're talking all right but I cannot hear a word they're saying because of the divid that's why I stop banging on the GL you it's a lot of people talking about the glass ceiling who's talking about the plexiglass partition just stopping an ally from helping out I got last thing I say about it I did have to go to court and I got I but I got an attorney appointed for me who was a woman and it was a lady judge too I had both their names two very intelligent women you know I'm thinking this could be on here then we get in there and what do you think they chose to talk about can I catch a break out there so I'm walking home and I'm thinking about all this and I think well you know the pajamas might have been a flop like as far as I'm concerned the pajamas are a secret with me but you know I don't need to do any of that crazy [ __ ] any more I can just pass the be do test by waking up I mean how lucky am I the two people I love the most in the world if I hear them talk bang the test is on we've done it and so I get home I'm feeling okay about everything and I get home about one I had no idea it was a half day at school so I get home I get up to the front door I don't even get to put my key in the door the door just opens and Olive's standing there and she doesn't look at me she looks square at the bag she goes what's in the bag and I oh no you don't need to know about the bag don't worry about the bag you know and then chelse here there's a bag she comes screaming down the hallway she sees the dog and she goes those are those are pajamas and Olive says put them on and so you know I got to put on these pajamas for a second time today and so I I go I got no you know I'm I'm [ __ ] there so I go into the bedroom I just R again I put the pajamas back on you know and I look in the mirror they look worse you know these these damn flattering mirrors at the jamy store you know and I'm thinking well maybe I just need someone I love tell me I look okay maybe this can be saved but I get out into the lounge and they're standing side by side and never in my life have I seen either of these two laugh as hard as they do at my face they're they are laughing so they both got asthma they're risking their lives to you know to get through this they're they're laughing and laughing in a minute and Chelsea gets her inhaler and starts in it gives it to Olive you know olives on the inhaler you know they're two minutes and they're laughing with their eyes shut and then opening their eyes to hop up on what they're laughing at you know it's 2 to 3 minutes of just unrelenting laughter until they slow down oliv's sort of catching her breath back and after 3 minutes she said you know you can just sleep in your undies Monty that's pretty good for eight you know and the show this year is called my brain is blowing me crazy and I love naming the shows it's one of my favorite things to do and like I got such good feedback on the show name this year but it's been quite a bit of sweet because I actually it's the one time I didn't name the show I we were having dinner one night and we we had Olive with us and we had some friends over and you know I was holding Court I was doing my best I was uh I was I was explaining to everyone exactly how much I paid for the fish um and Al and also the harrowing story The Fish moner shared with me H and you know no one's listening and then ol she ol's definitely not listening she just cuts through it all she she's trying to tell us about something that happened at school today and what she's trying to say is my mind is blowing but instead what she says is my brain is blowing me crazy you know and it's just Carnage everyone at the T big laughs at the table you know and I'm I'm a standup comedian so I spend most days at home trying to think of one funny sentence this 8-year-old just swans into dinner births a brand new idiom you know and they that's very demoralizing what do you do in their situation I'll tell you what I did I stole a material uh she actually wrote the whole show she's fantastic hey you guys are amazing thank you so much I really appreciate it have a great night I'll see you [Applause] [Music] later

Channel: Guy Montgomery

Views: 70,576

Keywords: guy montgomery, taskmaster, taskmaster nz, taskmaster newzealand, standup, stand up, standup comedy, comedian, new zealand comedy, thank god you're here, have you been paying attention, hybpa, just for laughs, comedy festival, melbourne comedy festival, new zealand comedy festival, spelling bee

Id: sfc6a7kmHbs

Length: 60min 1sec (3601 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 11 2024