Because they just didn't care. They preferred
that I was normal. Or, that I was like everyone else. They rather wanted that, than for me to be
different. This is probably the most difficult video I'll make. But it's the most important. So
here we go. My autism obviously has been impacting me for all my life, but it wasn't until I was a
teenager that I got diagnosed. When I was 13 or, 14 I was so depressed that I saw a psychologist.
And that's how it all started. At the time I was severely depressed and I got diagnosed with
depression. I ate a lot of antidepressants. I had an eating disorder. I had self-harming behavior.
And I was just not feeling good. I struggled a lot with understanding the world. I struggled with
school and relationships. And I also struggled a lot with my family. Looking back at it, that was
probably the worst time of my life. Which makes it very difficult to talk about. I was eating a lot
of antidepressants, and anxiety reducing medicine, and sleeping pills. Because I couldn't sleep and
my life was just not good. I skipped school a lot and I wasn't happy being home either, so it's a
really difficult situation. It all sort of started the second year of high school, or secondary
school, when i skipped so much school I had to have a meeting. That sort of prompted more visits
to therapy and just a realization that I just wasn't feeling good. Since I was still under 18
at that time I could go to the child ward at the psychologist's hospital, I guess it's called.
I saw a few different therapists but nothing really helped. And also I didn't get along so well
with all of them. I normally stopped seeing the therapist after they yelled at me which happened
with pretty much every single one because they just couldn't help me. And I would just ask them
for an answer and that was the only thing they couldn't get me. And ultimately they would just
lose their patience and then I wouldn't want to see them ever again. Which I think is completely
understandable. And then one day, it was suggested by a lady that wasn't my therapist, but she
worked in this department, that I should get tested for aspergers. I'd never heard the term
'aspergers,' before. I didn't know what it was. I knew people could have ADHD, but I've never
heard about autism or asperger's. I did a lot of tests with a specialized lady. They were filming
me, they interviewed my parents, they interviewed me. I got to do a lot of exercises, and they were
clearly made for children. So it was also weird. because I was becoming an adult. Because I was
a teenager I don't remember much of it. In fact, I don't remember pretty much my entire teenage
childhood. But one memory that stands out to me, was the psychologist was surprised that I
could remember so many numbers in a row. And, and it was such an important time for
me, but it was so weird because she asked, "How do you do it?" And I thought surely that is
the least important part about all of this, that I remember some numbers, you know. And I think that,
so speaking of how this was for me. This whole time, because it was, it never seemed to be
about me. Or, how I felt. It seemed to be about many other things. But never about how I felt.
It was quite a long process because I obviously had to like, bike there after school. And as a
teenager, already being depressed, it's quite intense. And it was okay, but the worst part was
that my parents were very very negative about it. Like for the first time I felt like maybe this
was the answer, you know. Like maybe there was a solution to my depression, and maybe there
was a solution to, why I wasn't like everyone else. And my parents just absolutely, completely
ignored the idea that this could ever be possible. I started learning about asperger's while I was
taking the test. And for the first time in my life it felt like I was not alone. I guess I used
to look a lot of pinterest in the evenings, at that time pinterest was still a thing.
And there was this girl called, Aspie Girl, and she would make these drawings and quotes.
And every time I saw a new one, I would like obsessively find all of them. Because every
time I found a new one it was just exactly always something I had experienced. And I felt
so seen and up until that point in my life I'd never ever felt seen by anyone. I'd always
just felt different and like an outsider and strange. And I never understood my friends
or my family. So when all the tests were over they sat me down and my parents down and it was
very, very formal. And they said that I displayed signs of autism. So they mentioned that I didn't
speak normally, I spoke in a more monotone voice, I didn't exhibit normal body language, I was
better understanding certain things, but I was incapable of understanding other things. However,
there was this one problem with the diagnosis and that was the fact that what my parents had told
them about me as a child, didn't necessarily match with how I was now. I have desperately
tried to access the answers my parents provided, but I am not allowed to see them. I don't think.
I've tried, but I can't get access to them. But as far as I remember it, their answers were that
I was a normal, happy and healthy child. And I mean in many ways that's true. The first five
years of my life weren't difficult because I had a stable family life. There's not a lot of people
in my life, I was free to do pretty much anything I wanted. I went to Montessori kindergarten
which suited me quite well. And I didn't have those struggles that then obviously came later
in life. So it was very difficult for me that my parents had said these things. At this time
my mom was also severe alcoholic and struggled herself with a bipolar disorder. So the fact that
she was listened to was quite upsetting to me. My parents were divorced at the time so they came
from two different perspectives, so it was so clear that they were being completely blatantly
wrong about what they said. Like they were only speaking from this perspective of wanting me to
be normal, which they always wanted, but if you, 'want your child to be normal,' surely it should
be clear to you that your child isn't normal. This made the whole process really difficult to
conclude any actual evidence and it was also very difficult for me to to have the information like,
"Yes, you're autistic now, but we don't know if you were always autistic." But to be autistic,
you have had to always be autistic. And of course, I was just like I am now. When I was a child it
was just that my life was very, very easy. And I didn't have to struggle with any of those
things I struggle with now because they just weren't present for a two-year-old. It isn't
really a question about interacting with other people when you live on a rural farm and just hang
out with your horses, you know. It's the perfect place for an aspy person to be. But anyway,
it was very messy. I felt really pushed aside and then obviously my mom's mental illness was
also a big issue at this time. And it felt like I was so close to having exactly what I needed
and then my parents just took it away from me. Because they just didn't care. They
preferred that I was normal or, that I was like everyone else. They rather wanted
that, than for me to be different. Which is such a hypocritical statement because my entire
life they would tell me I was different or, that I was strange or, that I didn't behave
like other people. But when it was actually, when it actually mattered to me, then
suddenly they wanted me to be normal. But in other situations where they thought I was
annoying because I was different, then it was suddenly my fault. And then it was something bad.
And now when I felt like it was something good for me, then they said, "No. She's completely
normal. We never have struggles with her." And my entire childhood was a struggle living
with a neurotypical family who didn't really cater for me with my neurodiversity. And
especially, again, my mom had a melt- my mom was severely mentally ill. And my parents
were just too busy with other things so... None of them really wanted to cater
for a child who wasn't neurotypical. And none of them. And also at that time,
you know, it's not that long ago, but, like, 10-15 years ago, it wasn't really spoken
about as it was now. And the only people who were autistic were loud boys. And girls were
not diagnosed with autism. And I mean, I mean, I spent my entire childhood pretending how to be
human right, or pretend, and learning with dolls, and with barbie dolls, and dolls and toys. All I
did was practice interaction. So of course I am good at interaction. That doesn't mean it's good
for me, and that doesn't mean it's healthy for me. So it's messed up in many ways. But I
think that's a different video topic. So yeah, the outcome of my, the outcome of the,
the all these tests and diagnosis was really just that I got more depressed and I also got older.
And I also had other things to worry about. So autism really took like a back seat of my life.
Just a few weeks after I got the result I turned 18. So I was no longer allowed at that ward to
see psychologists. Now I had to go to the adults department where, you know, there's crazy people
sitting and shaking. And I mean my mom used to be there. So I didn't want to be at the adult's
ward. I mean, an 18 year old is not old or, grown up enough to be sitting at the psychologist, to be
sitting at the hospital for mentally ill adults. And I realized there was nothing I could
do so I just quit. I just quit pursuing it, and then my mom killed herself.
So then there was nothing really, there's not really focus for me and my
autism. I just had to survive school and I only had six months left of school, or a few
months. I only had a few months left of school so I just knew I had to finish it and I knew
that when I finished school and I was 18 then I could do what I wanted because then I
would finally be free. Such a [ f__ ] up system, huh? So it's not really until then my actual quest
to figure out what this autism thing was happened. Ever since I turned 18, finished school,
was able to leave my home country, I've tried my best to improve my life. To
heal from depression, to heal from trauma, to heal from these disorders. To heal from
stress. To stop taking medicine and to completely heal myself. And to be happy and to create
a life for myself that I can be happy with. And it did become a lot better. But I never really
became good. I used to be fine for three months and then I used to be depressed for about
a month because I just spent too much time working or, going to uni or, being social or,
whatever it was. But, just not being myself. And it was not until about three years ago
when I met my partner that everything changed. He was the first person I met in my life
who acknowledged that I was different in like, without judgement. Some people have
said that, "I'm cool," because I'm different. Some people have said, "I'm stupid," because
I'm different. But he was the first person who just said, "Oh, you're different." And
he also explained it to me. He said, and he's, he would say, "normal," but obviously
now I'd probably use the word neurodivergent. But it was completely without judgment. But he
would say, "You don't behave like this, do you know that? Most people behave like this..." And i
would say, "Yes, I know I think they're stupid." And he would say, "Oh, you do this.
Did you know that most people do this?" And it was such a freedom because it was the
first time I felt like someone understood me just simply because he could see me without
judgment. And he didn't say that what I did was good or bad. He just said it was different. And I
think that was a really important point. And like a key point for me to understand that also to
help me, to not be so angry with other people, because suddenly the person I loved most
in the world was doing the same thing as all these crazy people were doing.
But he just had an explanation to it, and he said, "No, the reason we act like this is
because you know, we're neurotypical. And this is how we learn to function, about these things." And
it really helped me a lot. We met when I was 24, 25. And this was my first real relationship. So
my disorder also became a lot more obvious because normally I was, it was just me in my autism.
But now, suddenly there was another person in the room who could see me 24/7. And so, became
very obvious that I had difficulties that this other person in my life didn't have difficulties
with. And of course my coping mechanisms also came to light. Like how I cope being autistic in
a neurotypical world. I have a whole lot of coping mechanisms and there are very specific things
I can do and very specific things I cannot do. And being with a neurotypical person in a room
suddenly highlighted all these things. One day when we'd been together for two and a half
years I told him about this diagnosis as a child and I told him that I really haven't had
time to think about it because I've just been focusing so much on improving my life, but
it's still not getting good, right. And I'm with you, and I'm in the happiest relationship of
my life, yet it's still not perfect. So why isn't my life perfect? Why am I still unhappy?
And he was quite shocked about the diagnosis and he was quite shocked I hadn't told him. But
honestly no one had ever been interested in it apart from me. I used to be super interested in
it, but no one in my near surrounding was very interested in it, so I just learned to not talk
about it. And I never did. I don't talk about it with my family or friends really. I only talk
about it with my husband. Um, and my autism group. But, so we read this autistic relationship advice
book which really did not only help him understand me because some, he said that sometimes
he was confused why I did certain things. Like when we, like just the silly examples. When
we drive in a car and I just keep changing the, I just keep changing the fan like the AC
in the car, I guess. And I probably change it every 30 minutes, every 30 sec. I probably
change it every 30 seconds to a minute, to two minutes. So I constantly change. And he, he never
questioned this because he's a very kind person. Just reading the book with these 22 chapters
about how it's different dating someone with who's neurodivergent, it really explained every single
one of my behaviors that he was confused about. And more than that it was the first time I'd read
a book and I felt like I was being explained in every single page of it. Like, like I wasn't, I
wasn't being crazy. And I wasn't being a mean and a manipulative person. I was just functioning
differently. My brain functions differently. And it's the biggest relief I think I've ever had,
knowing that, like, it isn't my fault. And I might not be capable of doing certain things. And it's
a very nuanced point, but for me that is very, for me that is such a relief. And, yeah. And just recently
I started going to an autism group and I'm really practicing unmasking
which is very difficult when you're a girl and when you practiced masking your entire life
and you don't know who you would be without it. That's a very weird part about autism, like I don't know how I would behave if I had,
had complete freedom. I don't know how I would have behaved if I didn't go to school and was
told that I'm not allowed to do certain things. I don't know how I would have behaved or what
I would accomplished, or what I would have created if I wasn't being told that certain things
are cool, certain things are not cool. So it's clearly a lifelong journey and it's something I
try to prioritize, but it's quite hard because I haven't prioritized it for the first 26,
25 years of my life. But I try and anywho, I went to this autism group and I met this man who
was in his 40s. Completely different life to me. But, we had had the exact same childhood.
We had, had the same issues with our family. We had the same thoughts about
autism. We had the same confusions. And we had the same issue in high school when
we were stood into this question of like either you get bullied or you have to bully people.
Because that's apparently how the system works. And i mean imagine a system that didn't
work like that. And so autism for sure has caused me to have very few people in my
life. Definitely less than five, I think. And I'm not looking for more people in my life
either. It's not something I need necessarily. And I read a comment on my other autism
video which I thought was really good. Talked about being lonely as an autistic person.
And I definitely felt lonely a lot when I was a teenager. Felt lonely all the time. And I'm still
very lucky though because I think a lot of people who felt lonely think they will find that in a
relationship. Um, but my parents really raised me saying that relationships are not, they don't
matter. You don't have to be in a relationship. You can, you can sleep with people if you want
to, you don't have to be in a relationship. I mean none of my parent relationships are very
successful so I never saw a relationship as the answer. And it never has been. And it never
is, because the answer lies within, right? So I was very lucky to feel lonely, but then not
go searching for the opposite of loneliness with someone else. Because that's not where you'll
find it. You, the only place you can find it is within yourself. So I was lucky enough to be able
to start straight on that journey. We have always been this way, I've always been different. I just
wrote down some things I could think of. I mean, I struggle with many sensory experience. I
have not yet mastered how to stop masking or be myself outside of my home. I find people
in relationships very challenging. I struggle with many day-to-day tasks that most people do
not struggle with. I need special or, specific, I need special or specific things set up
for me in order to function in society. There are things I can't do. There are things I
won't do. And then there are things I'm great at, and I think that really sums up autism.
Because I think to be happy as an autistic person in a non-autistic accessible
world, is really to realize that the pros of autism are only pros,
because you look at them that way. Because in the eyes of a society an
autistic person is really a liability or just plain annoying. It's so silly right?
Because my dad, he was one of the people, he said I wasn't autistic. He, every time, he
talks, he says I'm exactly like Saga from The Bridge, which is one of the most autistic
characters in TV history. Things like that often happen with those people that say that
you're weird or, different. And it's ridiculous right? Because I think he knew all along. It's
just really hard to realize that your child... is different. Because it means you have
to work harder. I mean, it means you have to cater for them. But I think a lot of parents
and including my parents when I was a teenager, they were both in a time of their life where
they didn't have that much time for me. And it was a really unfortunate time for me to
suddenly go and become depressed and say that I'm autistic and I didn't have the space to talk about
autism then so I very rarely talk about autism. Because, I find it really sad. My entire
childhood from like the age of five to 18 felt like prison. I'm terrified of prison because,
so I would never want to go to prison because that's really what my life just felt like. And
I didn't know what to do. I felt so trapped and sometimes I feel like a lot of my life has been
wasted. Unhappy. And I really, I really don't want anyone else to have to experience that.
And especially not autistic people because... is different, for us. And today I honestly
feel like I'm just lucky I survived because I didn't think I would. And I find it hard to talk
about because I'm angry that no one helped me. I'm angry that people blamed me, because I'm 27 now, I have a sister who's 15 and
I know many teenagers, I would never blame them. I would never blame a child for not being
perfect. I would never blame a teenager for not being happy. I wouldn't blame a teenager for
not being able to handle social situations or for screaming when they're upset, because
they're teenagers. They're still learning. And if you're an autistic teenager, well then,
it's just a whole lot harder. The whole thing about being neurodivergent is that it's so, so
hard. When your surroundings and the people you care about or the people who are supposed to
take care of you get upset with you because you can't do certain things. And it's just the
absolute worst feeling in the world. And I'm still healing from so much trauma caused by the
people close to me just because they didn't know how to deal with an autistic child or an
autistic teenager. And if you deal with that, and this is why I care so much about other
autistic people. Is because if you... If you don't treat autistic people
in the right way, if you treat a neurodivergent person like a
neurotype, neurotypical person, when they are having an anxiety attack or a
meltdown or, when they're scared or, crying or, angry; you risk causing trauma for their
entire life. Something that a neurotypical person would just walk up, forget the next day, and
be completely normal, happy and healthy person. Might, literally ruin a neurodivergent person's
life. So I get so scared. I get angry talking about this, i get sad. And I also get so
scared. Because I see people giving advice about autistic kids or, having opinions about
it and I just don't think you can... you just have to go look straight at the signs and
you have to listen to your child because autistic people aren't manipulative. Our brains work
differently and people just got to realize that. So if you're an adult watching this, please for
goodness sake, be kind to autistic children. and all children. Including teenagers. They're
just trying their best. No autistic child is trying to be mean or, trying to be difficult.
They're literally just trying their best, in every single moment. There's not a child on Earth that
isn't trying their best. See I find this difficult to talk about because a lot of these things
that happened to me were extremely hurtful. Just don't ever hold an autistic child down.
Don't force them to do anything. And don't, don't hurt them. Because it's just so,
so harmful. I know this is a long video, I think that's it. Autism used to be
one of the worst things of my life and now it's probably one of the best or, more,
most important things of my life. Autism is a spectrum. You got to remember that people get
better what they practiced. I practice talking, however, masked. I practice a lot. I'm pretty
good at it. Other things I'm less good at. But, I'm still learning to unmask and I have
no idea who I will be when I'm done. So yeah, that's probably my next challenge. If
anything I just hope this can inspire other people to not listen to their parents. Or,
to take back their story of autism. But, thank you so much for watching. If
you have any questions about autism or want to share your experience, I mean I'd love
to hear it. I don't want to say that because I get so disappointed, I. I mean, I'd love to
hear anyone's experience with autism because yeah, just if one person feels less alone
you know because they hear something, I think that's worthy of doing it. So,
yeah. Thank you so much for watching. Bye.
