My Auntie survived residential school. I need to gather her stories before she’s gone | Inendi

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I am a survivor... of genocide. Because I know a lot that didn't make it. So many committed suicide when they came out of that school. And, a lot of us turned to alcohol to forget... and died from it. ♪ [country] My name is Sarain Fox. I'm an Indigenous artist and activist. It's almost summertime in the heat of the COVID-19 pandemic, and I'm on my way to my reserve, in Batchewana, to see my Auntie, Mary Belle. I live 800 kilometres away, near Toronto, and I imagine she is waiting for me on her old rocker in Goulais Bay. We're losing our elders right now, and our elders are our knowledge keepers. Our women lead our families. My Auntie is a residential school survivor and is our oldest surviving matriarch. She's a grandmother to me. She holds the family's history: our stories, our trauma, our truth. She does the work that women have always done... they carry life. My Auntie worked in the trenches of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, and documenting the stories of residential school survivors for our communities. She carries a lot of truth and a lot of pain. And now that she's an elder, she's only focused on how the story will carry on for us. We are people of our land, and people of our stories. We didn't record them. Instead, we made the effort to listen. My job, as the youngest in our family, is to carry on her ways, her stories, and her dreams. Alright... Special request. Whoa, wait. She's reclining. I've actually tried to buy her a chair several times. So, put it right here. What she wanted was a very specific chair. She wanted a La-Z-Boy recliner that had heat and massage. Hi, you ready for your surprise? You can just leave this here. Oh, hi. (laughing) - Alright. - More and more. So, just watch this guy and then you should be good. Alright. (gasps) Oh, my goodness! - Did you get that, my girl? - Yeah! Oh, my gosh! That's beautiful! This was the last one with heat and massage... in the whole country. Really? Oh, yes. Oh, my gosh. Oh, that's for sure. This is gonna be my new way of dancing. And if you wanted to, you could...lay. [voice vibrating] Oh, yes. Oh, oh, my. Oh, can you hear my voice? (laughing) In regards to COVID-19, she just let us just like take over her space and, she felt really safe right away. We're here at my Auntie Mary's house and, I'm gonna set up camp, so I'm gonna be here for the next couple weeks and... growing up, this was always my favourite place to be, so... We're gonna set up home, home base. This is not regular times on the res. This is a pandemic-centric view of what's happening right now. We had things we needed to do because of COVID-19 that we wouldn't have otherwise have had to do. That included getting tested, talking about parameters, meeting with the Chief to understand the situation. There actually was a reported case two days before we got up here and so, because of that, some of the restrictions that had been lifted were actually reinstated. So, we arrived in a different space. The Chief was very concerned and asked us to get COVID tested again. (TV dialogue) Oh, look at this. No squeaking. No squeaking. Sarain: (indistinct speaking) I experienced the worst racism as a kid, when I was in... when I was in residential school. They had no pity about telling us little kids that there were devils on our reserve and, persuaded us not to return to our reserve when we left school. In my mind, I figured, oh, my god, why do they keep saying that? You know, my mum was never like that. My mum never drank, she never swore. She was a good mum. They abolished our culture because that's what they were afraid of. Our spirituality is very, very... powerful and, it's a time for us to speak up and get this history straightened out. Well, I could say a lot more, but I don't know how much I can... how much they allow me to say anything. Sarain: Who's "they"? Mary: Government. Sarain: You can say whatever you want. Mary: 'Cause government usually will make you take this off. Sarain: I don't work for the government. (laughing) Sarain: The CBC is a public broadcaster and they're interested in truth, so you don't have to feel like you have to hide your truth. Mary: My mother, all she said to me is, "You're gonna go somewhere where there are going to be a lot of girls and you're going to have lots, and lots of friends." Being seven or eight, I really never put a full thought to it. And she didn't bring it up again, not a word of anything. Nothing. Not even the day we left. As young as I was, I got all-- I was all happy about it. I figured, oh, I'm going for a train ride! My little brother, Sonny, was along, too. He was just waiting for the, for the train to pull in. And when it did, my mother helped us on the train. Him and I were sitting together, she made sure. Soon, we could hear the conductor saying, "All aboard! All aboard!" She said, "You will be right back. And I'll be waiting here for you." It doesn't even dawn on me my mother's getting off the train, going to wait for us to come back. The train pulled out. I'm thinking to myself, oh, this is a really nice train ride. I'm all excited. After a little while, I start thinking, this train is going fairly fast. I wonder when it's going to turn around. I'm looking outside, watching the scenery going by and, daylight is starting to fade. By then, I'm starting to realize this train is not turning around like it's supposed to. It started getting scary. Oh, and that's your mum? Sarain: Yeah, she's texting you. "Okay, Auntie..." "On our way." Sarain: She's coming? Mary: That's what she's saying. Sarain: Hold on. Let's say 'hi' to her before we wrap. Mary: "On our way." <i> Phone: Hi, my baby girl. How are you doing?</i> Hi, Mom! Hold on. I'm going to give Auntie the phone. I'll put it right here. One sec. Can you pass me that cup? Mary: Oh, my gosh! (laughing) - Well, hi! -<i> Are you having fun?</i> Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely. You know, Sarain, she's always full of surprises. (chuckles) <i> I certainly do.</i> I'm going to give her a new name in Anishinabe. I'm gonna call her Surprise Girl. (laughing) <i> Okay, I just love, love, love,</i> <i> love seeing you, my Auntie.</i> Aw! <i> And, I am, I am going to make my way there.</i> <i> Make sure you smudge, beauty.</i> Yes, we just finished smudging. -<i> Alright, I love you.</i> - I love you too, my girl. - You take care. -<i> I will.</i> Okay. (laughing) Mary: Aw... Sarain: My mom is her person. My mom is the one who first heard all of those stories, who was her therapist so, my mom is... is my Auntie's girl. And, for my mom, my Auntie is her only parent that she's had for a long time now. Mary: As it started to get dark, my little brother, Sonny, started pulling on my sleeve, crying, "I want my mommy. Sissy, I want my mommy." And, and I'm thinking to myself, oh, my gosh, how am I going to comfort this little guy? I'm having a hard time, myself, trying to figure out, where am I? Where am I going? And then, finally, it came to a standstill at this place, Spanish, Ontario. I'm sitting there and looking at this conductor and I'm trying to tell him, "This is not where I get off." And he's looking at the names and, "Oh, yes, this is where you get off." And, all pitch black out. I was just trembling. Sonny was just clinging to me. His little hands were just like, they were right in me like that. This man starts giving us orders, "Get in! Get in there! Get in that van!" It looked like a really big, black van and... we were in that van about, maybe a half hour and, as we approached, you could see little, tiny lights way far away, and that kind of gave me a little glimmer of hope. Then the doors opened. And I could hear this woman's voice, and then soon there was another one, then another one, and I figured, oh, well, there's women's voices so, you know, that can't be too bad. A fight took place because they were pulling me out of the van and I didn't want to leave my little brother there. And I said, "He's coming with me." And they said, "No, he's not. He's going over to the boys' school." And, pried his little hands off of me. By then, I started to cry because I felt I had that responsibility to take care of him. And, what am I going to do because now I've lost control. They took me up two flights of stairs, where they had the dormitories. They gave you school clothes, night stuff, and towel and stuff like that. And they took all the clothes that you wore to go there and she brought me to this bed and it's all dark in there. And, she said, "Get in bed and go right to sleep," and I just couldn't sleep. I was worried about Sonny. And I figured to myself, oh, my, god... What place is this? Is this hell? This is gonna be fun! You got your Auntie there. - So nice to meet her. - That's so awesome. I'm like hosting from my res, basically. Just on the other side of the tracks. Auntie, do you want to come over here? <i> Crew: One minute, guys, one minute.</i> Sarain: Don't pressure me! I had summer solstice right, smack in the middle of this shoot week so, I was live hosting the Summer Solstice Indigenous Festival, which usually happens in Ottawa. And Auntie watched me in this new pandemic reality of how I do my work. <i> Crew: Five, four, three, two, one.</i> <i> And, you're live.</i> Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, now that is how you kick off a festival evening. Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much, Cody Coyote. Guys, shout out to all of our matriarchs out there, all of our elders. I got my oldest matriarch, my Auntie Mary, here. Want to say 'hi', Auntie? Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour. (Sarain laughs) Happening in the background this whole time is that my mom needed to be here. I was very aware within the first couple days that I was not gonna have the emotional capacity to interview Auntie and then be her safe person. And, because my mom was going to interact with Auntie, she was COVID tested. (inaudible speaking) My mom's an elder, herself, so she's been under the same kind of precautions, not allowed to see anyone. This is her first outing. She drove all night just to get here. Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness. You made it, my girl. Now I know what it feels like when I used to travel and everybody used to worry. Make sure that I got there safe. Wow, wow. It feels so good to just hold you. Yes. Mary: After she walked away, I'm laying there, laying there, thinking, you know, having all these things going through my mind. Then I can hear somebody crying, but it's all dark, you can't see. I'm turning around like this in the bed. Somebody's crying over there, somebody's crying over here. And then, I finally fell asleep. I think it must have been breaking daylight. Clang, clang, clang! My blanket just, whoosh, "Get up!" "Get on your knees right now!" Looking around, everybody's on their knees so, I got on my knees. It was a long prayer. The girls that were around me like that were kind of signaling to me to listen, just to hurry up and get dressed. [lower voice] "Otherwise, they're going to either punish you or they'll strap you." Everything was low key because you could never get caught asking girls questions. So, I'll watch the girls and see how they do things, and that was a big help. When it was time to eat, this great, big, burly teacher would come over and, "When that bell rings, you get in line with the girls and you get into the refectory and eat." But, it isn't proper food, not even for a pig so, I told her that. And, I said, "I want my mother." And, she said, "Well, your mother's not coming for you. Your mother abandoned you." The minute she came for me, I stuck my foot and started kicking her. And, soon, there was a couple more teachers that came to help her. But, that was the time I started rebelling, but it didn't do me any good. They finally said, "Cut her hair." They put me up on a chair and... she just took these great, big sheers and she started cutting my hair. And I could never, never, never forgive them. That is such a big, big spiritual part of us, is our hair. And, all the girls were standing there watching her. I just kind of subdued and figured, my mother's never going to find me now. She's never going to find me because I look just like the rest of them. And really, that's what residential school was, to destroy you, cause you to be nobody and to have no identity. And especially when she did that, I became like... you're my enemy from now on. And did she strap you? Did she physically abuse you? Oh, yeah. Different times that I was there. And I would figure I would take my stance. And she wanted me to cry, and I wouldn't cry. - They're pitted. - Oh, yeah. With this [knocks] the hull is really thick up here. The Chief said he was going out to work on the boat... Go for a water drainage, hey? ...And so, we're like, okay, great. Plus, being outside right now is actually a lot safer than being inside someone else's space, so any opportunity to be outside with my crew, with lots of dynamic space was important. So, that's the cooling system for the engine. People like Mary have been able to share different thoughts on different things that really, are integral to our survival as a people. She is well respected. She's been through a lot with her... residential school experience, when they removed our people and tried to take the Indian out of the child. And, she hung on, and I've stood with her many times in those places where it wasn't easy to defend who we are. So, I really cherish the things that the elders tell me. Like this place here that we're at today, this is a really sacred place where the sturgeons gather. It's a place where the sturgeons live. And sturgeons, they're as old as we are. And, we as Anishinabe, we have the job of looking after the earth. And all of our relatives, as I look around here - the water, the fish, the trees, the plants, the birds, all of those animals on land - the sturgeon, name, ("nah-may") has even more of a responsibility to look after the land under the water. So, they do the same thing as us, but they do it under the water. And this was the area that we promised to look after, to the creator. And through it all, even in the face of the oppression, we still have elders that have been able to maintain and even enhance those original understandings, and one of those is, is Mary. Mary has always went that extra mile to defend our, our inheritance, and our inheritance is all of this. Mary: The first Sunday of every month, for two hours, they would select a table for me and my brother. Sonny didn't come at first, for the longest time. But, Jimmy did. My brother Jimmy was older than I was. And, Jim was there two year's prior to... to when we entered school. And, he had already... been so abused that he submitted to their ways. So, he didn't have a lot of conversation with me. And then, finally, he just stopped coming. We had to go to communion every week at the boys' church, and he was altar boy, and I can smell that... smell, liquor or wine or something. And he was almost shaking like that, giving... I, I didn't think too much of it then, about the liquor or anything. But then I started hearing it from the girls that the priest was getting the boys drunk on wine. I didn't know he was being abused that way. And some of the girls, too, because they used to get the older girls at times to go and clean up over at the church, in the boys' school. And, the priests used to do the same thing to the girls. And then when the girls got pregnant and kicked out of school, everything fell silent. Everything fell silent because this girl's missing. Sarain: She was impregnated by the priest? Mary: Oh, yes. Yes. And there were babies found in those walls. Why were there babies in the wall? Mary: Well, it would have been scandalous... for the school, had anyone found out about it. So, we just got back from meeting the Chief and interviewing him. And, we got back here to her house and Auntie has gone. Her van is gone. She's not here. And we're supposed to be doing interviews with her, and this is absolutely typical Auntie style. She does whatever she wants whenever she wants. Maybe she left a note. Okay. Auntie Mary was supposed to come with us to the place of the sturgeons. And then she was not feeling well enough. I don't even know. And I, I don't know... It actually made me really nervous about the rest of the shoot, like, if she's already too tired for us. What does this mean, you know? And, I'm not gonna risk my Auntie's health. What I'm interested in right now is, how do we tell the stories of our elders in a way that is slow enough? How do I push... to hear all of the 84 years of... knowledge that my Auntie holds? But, oh, my goodness, look who's rolling down in the road. So, what you can't see is that my Auntie Mary's van is pulling in. My Uncle is pulling in with a charger. What?! Hi, River! Come give me a hug. Auntie loves her grandchildren and she's always trying to get me to hang out with them every time she's here. So, River was there. Good to see you. Do you remember me? Mhm. Him and I have a special connection. We always have. So, I-- Auntie wanted flower gardens and I had brought up these planters so, I let him do the planting and we did that for her. Oh. Which one? You choose. Look at those precious stones. Which side? The van that my Auntie drives is a van that I drove to Standing Rock. Well, it was my mom's van. And then it was my van for about four years. And now she has it and she can use it to take off whenever she wants, in good fashion. I think when somebody takes you away, takes you from your home, tells you... you can't be who you are... can't speak your language, have your hair, see your parents... I think that when that happens to you, you don't let anyone tell you what to do ever again. Or that's at least, that's how my family reacted. Part of that residential school story is when I used to go home for summer vacation, because you had a family before res school. I remember that. We had birthdays, we had a lot of things. We had the gatherings at Christmas time. And then, each year I was in that school, it got less, less... until I was out of the picture. I was born in Garden River. Then we moved into Sault Sainte Marie, and I remember so many happy memories there. My mum worked every day, but weekends we went everywhere. She'd take us down to the park. She used to take us up to the movie theater, and every chance she had, she would treat us. And in winter time, we'd go sliding on that big hill. We had a big dog and that dog used to follow us all over the place. (laughs) Just happy times. It was just like a family, family. I don't ever remember being sad, threatened in any way, when I lived at home... before I went in school. My mom was very loving, very loving to us. Did you ever feel that, abandoned by her? No, I loved my mum very, very, very much. Almost to the point where I idolized my mom. She was a good mom. Very good. When we talk about the story, I think about her and how terrible it was for her... Yeah. ...to have to leave you, and how she couldn't find a way to say goodbye to you. Yeah, yeah. Sarain: In our way, we sit with our elders while they live. We take the time to hear their stories and honour who they are. There's a world of women like her, elders who have carried life. They bead our moccasins and make us tea. We need to take the time to hear them and to remember the stories they can share while they're here. Stand with them, or at the very least, just sit with them for a few minutes every day. Are you gonna share something with us? Yes. When I first walked this way, I was on, on a rough journey. I asked creator to show me the way, to help me. So, I finally made it to the Indian Friendship Centre in Toronto, where I met the elders. And they immediately took me under their wing. They spoke about the culture. And the more the teachings that they gave me, the more I felt this is what I had been searching for. It all connected. And this is how I got to be an elder, and it was meant to be because I belong to the Sturgeon Clan. I didn't know all the gifts that that sturgeon had waiting for me. But with all these gifts, I'm trying to live up to that, to that image. I think maybe it was around Thanksgiving. We were all playing out in the backyard and... I seen a group of girls. One of the girls kind of signaled over to me. I could tell that there was something going on. One of them finally said to me, "Hey, Mary, would you be interested in... in what we're going to do? Well, we're planning on running away." So, I'm kind of thinking, getting suspicious. Why are they asking me? These are not like my special friends. It started to fester in my mind. Well, I only have one year left because I'll be sixteen and I'm going to be leaving. The pressure won't be as hard on me because I'm liable to expose a lot of stuff. And I was trying to resolve it in a positive way, that even if I get caught, I'm thinking... I can handle it. Yeah, I want to run away. When are you going to do this? And they said, "When we go for a walk tomorrow." When I went to bed that night, I'm thinking about it still. It's heavy, heavy on my mind. So, the next day, sure enough, we get up early in the morning again. And, did our duties, our chores. And then by noon hour, after lunch, she would ring this bell. It was time to go for our walk. And we took different little paths, just so we wouldn't be noticed that we're together. But we had a waiting spot out on the highway. As I'm going along the way, I'm pretending I'm picking up things off the ground and going further, and further out to the highway. Girls were already there and we said, "Well, we can't stay on the highway because it's going to look too obvious... so, let's go on the railroad tracks." Every time we'd see a car, we'd hide in a ditch. We thought we had walked a long way from, from Spanish. And when we got to Massey, OPP cars came. There were about three of them. And we're just standing there like sitting ducks. They knew right away we were the runaways. The cop came out, he says, "The school reported that you ran away and we have to take you back." And the girls just started to cry. They were afraid of the consequences. Well, I was too, and I said, "Please, don't take me back there." And he said, "Because you're underage, I have to take you back." By the time we got back to the school, it was dark. About five, six teachers came out and they were all happy, and greeting the police and smiling. "Oh, they're all safe." That officer kept on looking at me, and I think just my facial expressions, letting this cop know that this was phony. And then, the cops left and... once that door closed behind it, it was like hell on earth. Here's your beloved Uncle Sonny. - Oh, look, Jimmy Bell. - Yes. - Oh, let me see. - Look at how cute he was. That's your dad. And that's when he first attended school. - I think, in... - Wow! ...1944, yes. That's so interesting to see, you know. I know, I was just all choked up when I first seen those pictures. When did you first see these guys? Recently? No, when the program came in for the... Healing Foundation. And they started sending away for the pictures and getting as much information from the students and, yeah. This article is the... Ah, he did something. I don't know what it was for. The Globe & Mail, and this article is what inspired this documentary. Oh. - Oh, really? - Mhm. Come on. Strong, strong woman. My Auntie outlived all of her brothers and sisters. And, what's in-between those pages is her guilt for being the one who survived. And she says it over and over again, is that, the reason they didn't is because they just weren't strong enough. And that's not about just strength. What she's saying is that it was almost impossible to not be broken. Mary: They made us go up to this classroom, they sealed it off, and they said, "For your running away, you're not going to have anything to eat for a week. You're not to talk to one another. We're going to set up individual rooms where you're going to be placed individually in each room." They're yelling and screaming at us, "This is not the end of it. This is only the beginning!" So, when they locked us in that room, it was all dark. And, I could hear the girls crying, and they're crying, and they're scared, and they're crying. And I don't know why, I just couldn't cry. We were there all night. Finally, we heard these clink, clang, this walk coming towards the door. And then she'd call one girl at a time. The day had passed. It was evening again and I was the last one in that room. And then finally, she calls me into her office and she keeps alls her, like her weapons there, her straps and everything. She said to me, "Oh, so you're the leader. You're the brave one." And she was just going on and on, trying to put me down to the lowest level. And she beat me up with that strap. I just froze like that. I froze in one state. I went, I'm not going to cry. And she beat me up really, really bad. She put me in a room and she wouldn't let me out of that room until some of the bruises started going away. After the bruises started going away, then she took me downstairs and she had all the girls stand around, and she took and she shaved me. She said, "This is what's going to happen to you if any of you ever, ever dare... to run away." She says, "You are not to talk to her for the rest of this term. She is to sit alone and you have nothing to do with her." She did let me go into the refectory, which is the dining room. But, I was not to eat the same things that the girls ate. I didn't care what she said about the food. I didn't like it anyways. And, she had this table just for me, and all the girls are facing me, like I was on display... for the rest of the term. I was there eight years and, I left there that June 1952. After I left residential school, I went home and it was like we were all strangers. It wasn't home anymore. I told my mother, I said, "I'm leaving." And she says to me, "Where are you going?" I said, "I don't know, but I'm leaving. I'm going to work." And she said, "Okay, I'm going with you." I was just so happy that she... seemed to understand. And we went to the States, and we went down to Michigan. There was an ad in the paper for a babysitter, so I figured, well, I can do that in the meantime. Soon after that, however, I started meeting girls my age and they were not Natives. They were all white girls. But yet, they took me into their company. So, it was an amazing start. I didn't realize it at the time, but they were giving me a gift... a gift that I was worth something. They lifted me and made me a human being. They taught me about love and friendship, trust. And the biggest, biggest gift they gave me was when they taught me how to drive. When I was behind the wheel, they gave me freedom. As a teenager, I'd never, never experienced that in life. And I was having so much fun. My Chief invited us to one of our most sacred places. It's actually the place his grandfather grew up. So, we went on a two-hour trip up to a provincial park that we've actually reclaimed, as our people. And my Auntie, she was like completely at peace. ♪ (drumming & singing) Mary: There's nothing like peace and quiet after a raging storm. In our teachings, it says you have power when you truly forgive them. And for the longest time, I would say, "Oh, yeah. I forgive them," you know. I'd say it, but I wouldn't really mean it. I'd go back to my old, resentful ways towards them. But, there is a difference when you truly, truly forgive them. You receive so much love and peace... that I think I deserve. (chuckles) Sarain: The song he sang was gifted to him. And it talks about... when a lot of bad things happen, sometimes you question... how can there be anything spiritual? How can there be a creator? How can there be anyone here looking out for me if all these bad things keep happening? And so, the song says, "Where will I find my spirit?" And then the words back are, "You'll find your spirit in all of the land around you." "Inside your heart. On the other side." So, you're in your ancestors, but you'll find your spirit exactly where you are. And, I thought that was a beautiful way, to sing us out. (vocal calls) And you're understanding that? I think you do. Because I see a little glisten in your eye. (chuckles) Sarain: She knew that I wasn't ready to let her leave. But she looked me in the eye and she acknowledged my fear, my deepest fear. Which is about losing people. I keep telling people... when they get very, very emotional about it... that... one day when I'm not here, you're going to be even stronger because you're going to say, "She did it. She did it." "I want to be just like her." (sniffles) My biggest fear is losing my Mom and my Aunt. They're like the women I grew up idolizing, the women I wanted my whole life to be like them. Travel like them, be free like them. Stand up for our people like them. Have a sisterhood like them, friendship. Connection. Don't cry, my girl. Sarain: I think that's the one thing that people don't get, is that acknowledgement. It's like a living goodbye. So, I don't want to just document. I want to remember. I want to remember her while she's still here. And I want her to see her own story. I hope she gets to see this doc. I want her to see it and I want her to let it go. And I want her to be free. I know. And one good thing about our culture... We don't die. (Sarain & Banakonda laughing) Sarain: And scene. Just kidding! Sarain: In my work lately, I've been on a deep dive exploring cultural reclamation. We've survived because we listened to our women and our elders. I want my Auntie to see our communities flourish before she goes. For that, I must hear her truth and absorb everything she can teach me while she's here. She tells me Indigenous women must take up leadership roles. We must be willing to do the work and be dedicated to our communities, to help them heal and grow. There's an urgency within my generation... to record what our elders have to say while have them. Hear their languages before they're lost, and learn the creation stories that brought us here. Most Canadians don't live with these fears and the persistent tension of loss. Inendi, she is absent.
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Channel: CBC Docs
Views: 662,956
Rating: 4.9167943 out of 5
Keywords: Indigenous, residential school, genocide, injustice, memory, family, history, Canada, Native history, storytelling, residential school survivor, Inendi, CBC Short Docs, Alone Together
Id: ToUVHjr1xK0
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 44min 6sec (2646 seconds)
Published: Tue Dec 22 2020
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