My AuDHD Burnout Story: What Was It Like And What Happened?

I I honestly have debated doing this video for a  really long time um BEC mostly because when I when   I first realized that I was deep into burnout I  was like okay I'm going to get I'm going to get   this I'm going to get over this I'm going to  get out of it and then I'll make a video and   I will tell all of my neurod Divergent friends  like how to get out of burnout because I think   it's the biggest question we have right like  what do we do when this happens I'm not out of   it yet and it's been two years so I'm just going  to come at this from my current experiences my   past experiences why I think this happened to  me I'm going to do it like that because first   of all I don't think that I have the authority  to tell anyone else what their experiences are   like what they're going through what might  actually help them them especially you know   when when everything is so uneven and unfair and  not equal and there's not really a lot of equity   I still think it's worthwhile to talk about this  and just explain what's going on with me and the   things that I tried and if any of it resonates or  any of it helps and any of it is useful great and   if not that's okay and I'm not going to say  that everyone has access to the same things   it's not true we know this so like what did  happen um I was undiagnosed uh until the age   of 39 I got my diagnosis in 2021 a year after  the pandemic started prior to that most of my   life I had been trying really hard to be normal I  don't even like the word normal because what the   what does that even like what does that really  even mean if we're talking about neuronormative   standards it's very much a there's only one way  to be um when we already know that diversity   is absolutely real science so I'm not sure if I  even want to use the word normal because I don't   really think anybody is but if we're talking  about neuronormative then we're talking about   a a set of conformist standards that Society has  decided to measure Everybody by and some of us are   actually capable of meeting it somewhat or enough  and a lot of us aren't for out of no fault of our   own so that takes a lot of energy to do a lot of  energy to do to constantly be trying to meet these   conformist standards especially if you divert you  are neurodivergent and you were much farther away   from what those standards are and so most of my  life I had pretty much already been in some sort   of state of burnout in some way or another because  it's exceptionally hard to constantly be working   and working and working at being something that  you're not I had a childhood where I had to be   separated from my parents when I was gosh I don't  know I think it became apparent that there was an   issue when I was two um and then several years  of like escaping that situation which was really   difficult and it's really hard to go through  something like that when you're really really   young and then um being accepted into my aunt's  family with the other issues going on with her   there were so many times where I was in situations  where people were just treating me if people who   are autistic and ADHD are far more likely to be it  isn't fair and it isn't okay so to anybody who is   currently making other people's lives harder  because you think it's fun because you think   it's funny um to to Target people in any kind of  community in any space I just don't understand   how people can do that I don't understand how  people can harm people for no good reason and   for their own benefit and it happens all the  time so I just I guess I just want to point out   that just because you see people getting through  something does not necessarily mean that it was   wasn't really hard they just got really strong  cuz they had to I had issues with actual like   not actually not being treated well and family  settings that were hurtful and harmful to me on   top of being uh neurod Divergent ADHD ADHD and  autistic without anybody knowing it and anybody   who has struggled with not great situations  realizes very early on that that um they're   not going to feel better they're just going to  have to find a way to present themselves in a   way that isn't that doesn't look like they're just  feeling bad all the time because we don't actually   have a lot of systems in place that actually  help when you get really good at being able to   express really difficult and hard things in a  calm and collected manner because Society has   decided you have to then you get that weird thing  where people are like well I don't really believe   you you seem so put together and it's like no  this has been happening for a really long time   since I was really young that I've literally  just essentially had to put a bandit aid over   it and just keep going anyway so like this idea  that we stop and we don't do things and we don't   keep going if things are messed up we have have no  choice so I ended up in the school system and then   the school system was like Hey if you you you seem  to be you know performing well in certain areas   we're going to put you in the gifted system which  honestly places so much pressure on it felt like   it was a lot of pressure to me to be exceptional  when I was already working over time just to like   look like I was doing okay look like I was being  okay so that's pretty much a recipe for disaster   especially since from what I've researched and  seen in neurod Divergent people is that um we   tend to have really high strengths and then there  are other areas in our life where we really just   can't do things like and part of that's the ADHD  where a lot of the capacity to have executive   functioning is based on interest and Novelty  and stuff like that um but then it's really   just being exhausted also from sensory input and  constantly trying to keep that bandage on do you   know what I'm saying so I definitely got sold on  the idea that I needed to work so hard so hard all   the time just to be functional just to look like  I was functional just to look like I was happy   just to look like everything was okay and I got  pretty good at it I'm not going to lie but at a   cost it wasn't comfortable I just learned that  Comfort was not for me and that's really sad I   feel like that's been one of the hardest things  to face in all of this is that like I literally   haven't I didn't think that Comfort was possible  um because it just wasn't something I experienced   the way that everything was run and the way that  everything worked I I had no idea that Comfort   was possible for someone like me if things were  adjusted right like if if accommodations happened   that there were other ways that things could  work so that I could actually be okay and it   was okay to ask for those things um or to try to  make them happen in my life so I did have jobs I   burned out of them usually after a year it's just  that the demand of everything became too much the   pressure on myself to be perfect and to keep  myself to that standard became too much and so   basically because I didn't have a diagnosis and  I just thought that there was like some kind of   monster that would come out whenever and I had no  idea why and you know I mean I would blame it on   depression but at that time when I was working it  was like very taboo still to even have depression   and to need to be medicated for it and like uh  so like I did I I I would usually get to a point   where I would snap and then I'd be like okay  well I have to move on and I need to go find   another job because these people aren't going to  be understanding of this and a lot of the times   they weren't and I could tell and so it was just  safer for me to keep moving from job to job to job   and it's just it bothers me so much that for the  longest time I just thought that this monster was   living inside of me that I was just this horrible  person when in reality it was just well past my   limit and I just want to come in for a second now  that I'm editing all of this and I just want to   come back and explain to you that this is not  at all a claim that I'm a perfect person that   I didn't have a bunch of stuff that I needed to  and coping strategies that that were harmful that   needed that I needed to address that I needed to  work on that I had to heal and I have been but   like if everyone has that if everyone is dealing  with that stuff it is not okay to punch punish   neurode Divergent people ADHD autistic people and  hold them to a standard that you wouldn't want to   happen to you okay I just wanted to put that out  there too because I know that someone's going to   listen to all this and be like well whatever  everyone has stuff yes but how are you getting   treated when you do we're allowed to be flawed  humans who are working through things it's another   thing when other people do not actually actively  work through their things and they're getting mad   at you and thinking that you are worse you know  I did the whole siset thing I got married I am   asked for my husband I tried to be a good wife  I tried to be a good person I tried to be all   of these things I I had children I tried to be a  good parent I signed up for enormous amounts of   a work with with very very little internal Comfort  or like just I was just constantly working against   myself to be whatever it was that everybody wanted  and that also created a ton of codependency and   people pleasing right just from this attitude of I  have been told my whole life that everyone else's   feelings about me matter more than actually  being being okay because it just wasn't even   an option it just even wasn't even like like I was  never really asked very much what I what I needed   people told me what I needed I was never really  asked um how I work I was told how I should work   so at at some point right and then you've got  patriarchy coming in with um with the parenting   where it's like all of a sudden you are doing all  the labor which we know statistically happens like   in marriages um relationships Etc with with with  kids fem women um tend to get you know given all   of this work this is something that I've had to  unpack um during during the burnout for sure and   my husband absolutely has and you know I've I've  had to really be very very very clear of like   listen this is not okay we're going to talk about  all of the things that are not okay okay all that   just kept building and building and building  and I definitely had a moment where I would   fall apart for like a day or two and I would just  have what I thought was like just like a like um   a meltdown not a meltdown but like a breakdown um  which were probably meltdowns um I'm not sure how   I feel about the word meltdown but it is pretty  accurate for the things that I experience it's   just a trauma response that anybody who's  overloaded that much is going to experience   if it's that hard to exist and do stuff right so  call it what you will um but I did have those and   I would just feel like I was a total and complete  failure because I wasn't maintaining this ultra   high level of expectations all the time everything  was just work everything even when we would go and   we would do things that Society told us we were  supposed to do to relax for leisure like going to   Disney World or whatever it was like work to try  to exist in that when I would go to social events   it was just work to try to get through that and  we will talk later about how much of that is even   changeable but just the fact that I didn't even  have a diagnosis that would actually help me to   cultivate a life built around my sensory needs  and what actually is comfortable and safe in   my own body 40 Years of that is a lot it's a lot  and it put me in survival mode for sure pandemic   began we were parents and I was a parent and my  husband was working from home so basically when   the kids couldn't go to school I was parenting  them 24/7 so that cranked up the workload I had   even though I was upset like a lot and really  not not doing okay because I was masking for my   kids I was masking for my husband I was masking  for myself I was holding myself to ridiculous   standards all the time I was trying to like not  engage whatsoever in any of the things that had   happened to me in my childhood or any of the stuff  that had gone through because basically growing up   and everyone was like what are you talking about  nothing bad happened and it's like well that's   not really true once the schools reopened I think  is when cuz I cuz I think there's just something   that happens to us as primary caregivers going  to keep doing this regardless of how hard it is   regardless of how hard it is on my body and then  they went back to school and that's when I fell   apart that's when it all came crashing down also  around the time that I got my diagnosis I just   remember a tremendous amount of Rage like welling  up in me because all of a sudden I realized that   it wasn't that everything was my responsibility  to maintain it was that I was actually not those things and it wasn't my fault and I was just so  mad that I have been on this this hamster wheel   of neuronormative conformist expectations like not  even particularly happy or regulated or doing well   and everyone had told me I just had to work harder  at it and I just had to do it more yeah and I just   fell apart I just fell apart like I I ended up  like I just like I couldn't handle stress anymore   it broke like it just broke that's the best way I  can describe it it just I didn't have the capacity   to handle it anymore I didn't have the capacity  I wanted to because it was very like there were   so many things in place that it required me  to be that and I couldn't I couldn't do it   pretty much everything that was stressful became  impossible for me to do and if you think about   how much requires stress in this Society in order  to get it done then you'll realize that like that   was a really like scary place to be I was at the  center of so many processes and and work um within   my family um and my life and I just couldn't do  them anymore I didn't know what to do I didn't   know what to do I wasn't really functioning like  I wasn't I had regression and skills it was harder   for me to talk at some points like formulate  sentences remember words um I had all kinds   of aches and pains that came up in my body I had  significant amounts of breakdowns and meltdowns   on a regular basis like at one point it was like  all the time like all the time like almost every   day and if you've ever been through those you  know how unsettling they are and just and how   hard that is because your body is just reacting  and reacting and reacting and reacting and people   are always like well then just calm down but you  don't have that capacity when you're burnt out   like you don't have capacity to regulate yourself  to calm down to get out of it you just don't when   you get to a certain point as a neurod Divergent  person as as as an autistic ADHD person and I'm   just talking about me I know how I work that I  call it the red zone right when you get into the   Red Zone you you can't get out of it yourself you  need help someone has to take away some of the the   stuff that that that stacked up so that you could  get into that Red Zone but nobody was doing that   and certainly everything else in the world was  just trying to continue doing whatever it was   doing without any regard whatsoever so burnout  happened um I'm not sure if it was really just   like an immediate thing I think it just sort of  started to just because become difficult to do   everything and manage everything and on top of it  I was just done um so there were actual physical   things that became more difficult um my sensory  issues with my with sound became exceptionally   high and on top of it on top of it we had two  elderly dogs that had severe uh medical issues   um that were barking at us constantly to take them  outside and we had to manage all of that um and   and then having to process their passing as well  as external forces um with you know online stuff   that I just had no anything for and a bunch  of people who didn't understand and were just   deciding that I was being mean and and it's just  like I just couldn't keep it together anymore I   was just like I am sick of everything I'm sick  of everything I've been trying so hard I cannot   get my footing clearly the footing was never a  footing I could even attain anyway patriarchy is   absolute crap it's impossible to be a woman like  all of it hit at the same time um so essentially   I spent probably a year in my bed a lot of time in  my bed just crying and feeling terrible because on   top of all of this happening my husband did not  react well to this information because of how   he thought things were supposed to be running  so I was navigating all of this insensitivity   and people not even really understanding on top  of this like full complete collapse I did not   have a support network I'm not in contact with  my family I did have a therapist um it took a   while to find one that was supportive and wasn't  going to just keep telling me more neuron Norm   conformist stuff um and then you know actually  would be supportive in the ways that I needed I   still have that therapist that I finally landed  on um she's amazing also neurod Divergent and   autistic in terms of support system at home um I  basically when I started to really fall apart and   I took responsibility for the fact that you know  a lot of things were going to need to get done   still for my kids and so I had a really difficult  conversation with my husband and said listen this   needs to be more evenly distributed in terms of  Labor because I just can't do it I just I can't   which again like I said uh he doubted he thought  that I was just deciding to give up and that I   just was being mean and uh none of that was true  was literally not able to do a lot and so I took   the necessary measures and insisted that he'd  take over um you know things like getting them   ready in the morning um and that after work he  takes some time to you know help them out with   their with dinner and to give me time to go  upstairs and lay down um and of course once   my youngest ended up in kindergarten then I had a  full day to rest and try to recover and heal but   you know like I had to put in measures to make  sure that my kids were properly cared for and   that they got the things that they needed when  I was just not as capable and that was stressful   too because it's really stressful to hand over  all the things that you've had you know your   hands in um to someone else and it brought up a  lot of conversations about like you know there's   a lot of this that actually you should have  been doing the whole time so that didn't have   to burn out like we had a lot of conversations  about the distribution of Labor and how unfair   it is and that he's a father and that he needs  to participate in his kids' lives in terms of   nourishing and taking care of them as well I ended  up leaving the online groups that I was in due to   disagreement and people not understanding me and  people talking to me in disrespectful ways and   gossip and everyone trying to like play this weird  manipulative game of trying to be the best and I   just couldn't handle it at all so essentially  what I realized at that point when I was at   pretty much ground zero was no one's coming to  save you you're going to have to figure figure   this out so started making lists of the things  that were making me uncomfortable things that   were stressing me out I made a whole list of  everything that was too hard and then I started   to look at what I actually could do about it I  think one of the most difficult parts of burnout   is the fact that people do not understand you  at all and they get mad at you because you are   not operating being in this unhealthy way that  you used to and instead of having some kind of   understanding because you're losing it all the  time people just tend to be like well screw   you I don't need you then a lot of people dropped  off purely because I got a diagnosis other people   dropped off because they decided that my behavior  was just me being a jerk other people just faded   away because I wasn't putting in exceptional  amounts of Labor into maintaining the connection   because I had to I I couldn't anymore and I left  a lot of spaces that were causing too much stress   and um were just not healthy I basically had to  choose to let people see me however they wanted   to because there was no room for correcting and  explaining there was no I wasn't doing well enough   even to sort out what was going on with me and  then on top of it they don't give give you a   manual for what it's like to be ADHD and autistic  really there's some Clues but it's a spectrum and   and everyone is different and and on top of it  when you're in Burnout it's so much harder to   actually regulate like I said so a lot of the  tools like stuffies and stuff like that didn't   actually feel good initially cuz my body couldn't  actually feel any comfort from them until I had   calmed down enough and removed D enough sensory  issues and other things and like changed my life   enough for there to be systems and structures  and preferences in place that were actually   supportive and I basically had to construct and  demand a life with my husband with me in it and   it wasn't easy and he knows this we' talked about  this and he has felt so bad about it I just wish   that more people who had family members going  through this would stop placing their emotional   needs above what's going on because it's pretty  massive and we really need so much support and I   feel like it it's so misunderstood that we never  get it and that's heartbreaking and just adds to   our load when we're going through something so  scary I also think that we're living in a very   unique time because everybody's working through  all kinds of stuffff and I understand that it's   harder to provide support in that situation but  I really felt like I didn't have anybody I was   really lonely and honestly I still kind of do feel  lonely um but it's different now it's not that I'm   lonely it's just that I I've really started to  realize what kind of social connections I want   and my battery is done so I told you this was  going to be long we will come back in a moment

Channel: DSA Threads Costuming

Views: 2,703

Keywords: Audhd burnout, autistic burnout, adhd burnout, adhd and autism, autism, adhd, autistic adults, late diagnosed parents, handling burnout as a parent, interabled relationships, adult adhd, adhd in adults, what autistic burnout is like, what audhd burnout is like, what adhd burnout is like, audhd mental health, audhd support needs, what is masking, neurodivergent costumer, dsa threads, late diagnosed adhd, late diagnosed autistic, late diagnosed audhd

Id: 3Z5plV0Jtdw

Length: 28min 6sec (1686 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 03 2024