Types of Autistic Burn Out & How I Deal With It

hi I'm Dana and I've talked about autistic burnout on here before but it's something that I'm currently experiencing a little bit so I really want to talk about it again as always everyone's like experience of autism and being autistic varies and it's different it's a spectrum for a reason and we all experience different parts of things so if you don't entirely relate that's completely fine I'm not trying to invalidate you I'd appreciate it if you didn't invalidate me and hopefully some people are able to actually relate and gain something from this cuz that is the point of these just trying to offer relatability so that people can feel best if I'm not trying to educate I'm not a medical professional this is not something that you should be listening to rather than reaching out for actual advice from people that know better than I do people like counselors and doctors your GP like I'm I'm not any sort of medical anything I'm not any sort of professional anything I'm not offering advice I'm just sharing my experience so to just Dive Right In because I've got I haven't done notes or anything for this video and even when I do do notes I do feel like my videos are very genuine and honest in a way that I often wonder if I should really Post online but I really do want to just like say the things that in my head for this one I haven't got any notes or anything like that it's is going to be a very word vomit honest bit of chat really I've spent a good little while here being like am I slipping into burnout is this like a really slow descend into burnout and I don't think it is I feel like I'm sort of just having like a baby burnout you know like it's just a little one just a little baby baby burnout cuz for me my past experience of autistic burnout has been before I knew that I was autistic for one which did change things up because I was going to the doctors and being told I was depressed and being put on to all sorts of different anti-depressants and that n of them worked because I wasn't depressed I was going to Artistic burnout and for me the first time was just was it just after it was probably when I was about like halfway through I was going to say halfway through my 16th year I was like between 16 and 17 you know I'd finished high school in the UK High School finishes when you're 16 and then you go on to be the sixth formal college and I'd completely moved to technically I'd moved to a different country because we'd gone from Wales to England but it's still the UK it's not that different you know but I'd moved from Wales into England to go to a different city to go to college and I was immediately just so overwhelmed you know like I'd had this really quiet isolated summer cuz like I didn't know anyone in the city and I didn't really understand understand how to meet people so i' had this really quiet isolated really nice summer where I was just like really exploring the things that I enjoyed and indulging my special interest and having a really nice time and then I went from that to go to college in a city where I had to like get public transport and I'd never had to get public transport to go to school at any point I'd always been able to walk or there was a brief point in Denmark where I would walk to a local state like petrol station they would pick us up in a taxi and there would only ever be like four of us so to go from those types of situations to having to get on very crowded early morning public transport to go into the city to walk through the city to get to my college and start lessons it was extremely overwhelming and I immedately started seeking help because I was like I'm I'm so anxious that I don't know how I'm going to like survive this quite frankly and nothing no one helped I got referred to a few different types of therapy that honestly if anything just made it much much worse and it got worse and worse and I became more and more overwhelmed to the point where I woke up one morning and just like I cannot do this I cannot go into college again and I had just moved out with my boyfriend at the time so I'd also started to be expected to like cook his dinner get make sure there's food in the fridge and in the cupboard to clean up everywhere like Hoover you know like maintain every single household sure because he was working and I wasn't and having all of these changes and all these new experiences and having all of like there were just so many expectations on me from both myself from my parents from my partner I just absolutely could not do it anymore and at the time I fully was like am I 16 years old and having a mental breakdown like is this my midlife crisis I had no idea what was going on it just felt like I'd been so overwhelmed that I could not compute any more information of any sort into my brain I did not have the energy left for any sort of activity like I literally had maybe two years where like I did basically nothing like doing the dishes one once a week maybe like maybe once a month was more likely to be honest with you hoovering once a month like that was my success that was me being like oh thank God I managed to do something and obviously it wasn't enough for any of the people in my life so I just had everyone around me making me feel worse and worse and worse and I was making myself feel worse and worse and worse cuz like I'm trying anti-depressants I'm trying therapies I'm trying to lift my mindset all this kind of stuff and nothing is working you know everything just seems to exhaust me more I was living in an Absol AB hole of a flat with my boyfriend screaming at me constantly for it being a hole without ever cleaning it himself I'll know and I just I could not find the energy to do anything you know I just watched TV I occasionally played Skyrim that was what I did I didn't leave the house I didn't shower I didn't you know like I would occasionally go to the shop that was underneath my flat like I didn't even have to go outside I could go to the bottom of the stairs and knock on the door and be like hi I would like an egg and sausage bath please and sometimes they didn't even make me pay them you know like I I couldn't exist as a person like I was so burnt out I didn't have any single drop of energy left to be able to do anything I could not maintain my personal hygiene I could not maintain my flat I could not maintain relationships I couldn't continue going to college I didn't do anything for several years and it took so much effort to pull myself out of it even though I just sat there and wallowed in it for like two years and I say that but it's the thing of like I felt so bad about it the entire time you know I felt so guilty I felt so useless like it was a horrible horrible time I had no selfworth and the entire two years it might have been longer honestly but the entire time every single day I would wake up and be like I need to do something you know I need to hoover I need to do the dishes I need to go shopping I need to go see this person I need to reach out to this person I need to do something and I just couldn't I would just lay in bed and like I was already waking up at like 2: p.m. you know and I'd just lay there and lay there and feel so anxious with like all the things that I should be doing that I just couldn't find the energy or the motivation or the inspiration or whatever the I needed I could not find it in me to do it and it was really slow goinging to like get out of that when I eventually did start to like I basically gave up is the thing I like hit rock bottom I gave up and I was like I'm not even going to try anymore and like it took solid months of being like I give up I just don't care anymore I'm going to wake up at 3 p.m. and watch Doctor Who and play Skyrim and go to bed and I just give up I don't care I don't care what people expect of me I don't care about what I should be doing I don't even care about how bad I feel about myself I just give up and like it was a completely defe View and it was very like pessimistic and like you know I I gave up i' had had enough but because it wasn't depression it wasn't a mental health issue in that way because it was autistic burnout that meant that I suddenly gave myself permission to actually just relax and indulge in special interests and not have all of this constant overwhelm all this constant pressure and all this constant anxiety and I started to actually be able to do stuff again you know maybe I'd watch Octor play Skyrim for like three days and then I did the dishes or I'd be playing Skyrim and be like actually the way the floor is right now is giving me sensory issues I'm just going to Hoover a bit quick so I can get back to it all of a sudden the tasks that I've been putting off for like weeks and weeks and months and months and the things that had been so overwhelming I could just halfway through my day be like I'll just do that a bit quick and then go back to what I'm doing you know and like I I very slowly like healed my way out of burnout or whatever but it it genuinely took like completely giving up and not doing anything and not taking on any sort of mental pressure or strain and just completely being like I don't care about anything anymore to be able to actually get out of it and even then I'd still have you know like a couple of months here or there where I would just completely slip and I wouldn't be able to shower again I wouldn't be able to keep the house tidy I wouldn't be able to go out and get food in I wouldn't be able to cook dinner it would completely slip and everyone would start screaming and shouting at me again and I'd be like I've been here before I'm not going back to where I was I don't care enough about you and I would stop caring again and I'd have like maybe two three weeks at that point like you know I'd have like the three months of like I can't do anything followed by like maybe a month maybe up to a month I'll say of like oh I don't care just say what you want do what you want scream at me I don't care and then suddenly I'd be able to start doing things again and at the time like I I was always like oh I'm slipping back into burnout but looking back on it now I'm like oh they were like the aftershocks they were the after effects you know like healing isn't like a linear thing it was the ups and downs and sometimes you slip a little bit I can very clearly see that now but every single time I was like oh no it's happening again I'm becoming depressed again I'm going to be depressed again and no one's going to be able to help me because no one can figure out what the wrong with my brain it was autism so for me in my little head that was burnout that's how I have like at least for me as an autistic person I'm not saying that's for everyone burnout is you know like I've heard other people's burnout stories I'm very aware that burnout is quite different for most people especially like given like the responsibilities that you're having your wife and things like that so I very much thought that if I'm not like that if I'm not in this like almost like just I I don't know the word in this position where I just can't do a thing and I'm like in bed more than I'm out of it you know if if I'm not in that position then I don't feel like I'm in Burnout I might feel like I'm approaching it I might feel like I'm sliding into it but I'm not technically in it and I've realized that I was wrong I was very much thinking the wrong thing I'd come to the wrong conclusion there because for the last like three months maybe longer honestly if you watch my videos regularly you will have like seen what I started talking about it you'll be aware but I feel like I've been in Burnout for like a little while now and because I've you know set up my life I've buil a support system I have accommodated to myself in a lot of areas in a lot of ways my life just is easy iier to live now than it used to be and I feel like that has played into even though I am in Burnout it's just not as bad as it was back when I can now recognize my first like bit of burnout you know but I've had several months now where like my sensory issues are worse I'm more overwhelmed by things that I'm not usually overwhelmed with I find it more difficult to regulate my emotions and how I'm feeling I find it more difficult to like focus on into reception and tell like am I hungry do I need the toilet am I too H all those things are more difficult and it's more difficult to get myself to just do things you know that's that's the biggest one for me and I was very much like but I am still doing stuff so you know it's not like when I was in Burnout it's not like when I actually physically couldn't get myself to do my dishes or shower or do this or do that and it's one of those things where like I am still currently able to like do bits and pieces but I'm doing much less than I've become like accustomed to doing on a daily basis you know like I've maintained the parts of cleaning that I already in my routine like I wake up I do my dishes while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil I pour my cof cup thing into the coffee thing well that's BR I go and scoop the lit trays and one thing that has really really helped me is that I have pets so I have to get up and clean the lit trays like I I cannot physically leave a little TR dirty for an entire day at this point I sco them every single morning and I have to do that you know and I do think it's the little things like that where I've set it up it's like it's not just that I'll be uncomfortable I'll be dirty I won't like the space that I'm in that's my cat's space like he needs ois needs to have a clean toilet and similarly I have a housemate now and not I'm not living with a partner so I need to do my dishes I can't just leave dishes around in the kitchen that's disgusting my housemate does it but I'm not that kind of person but the thing is like I usually have videos scheduled like I'm usually like at least a week ahead of myself and right now like I'm filming videos the same day they go up like I'm probably going to have about an hour and a half to edit and upload this when I'm done talk like finish with the video and that's what I'm doing every single time you see a video from me at the minute and that's very stressful I don't enjoy doing it like this but I'm currently only able to do things when the deadline's about to hit you know I could have filmed this video yesterday and talked about all this stuff yesterday it was on my mind already but I can't get myself to do anything until it's like I I need to do this thing now or I'm you know I think that another really really big tell for me that I'm currently in Burnout is the way that I'm engaging in the media that I watch like just a little while ago I did a video about why media saw it why media is so autistic why media is so important to me as an autistic person and I do think that everything I said in that video is like true and very much applies to me but I do also think that right now because I'm in a position where life is so much more overwhelming than it usually is I'm leaning much more on media to not only provide with like the inspiration enjoyment that I usually gain from it but also like extremely extremely into the escapism aspects of it you know and like I watch quite like I don't really watch like diverse things you know but I watch Things based on the actor or the director a lot of the time which means that I watch a lot of like random different things because actors like to take different types of roles and I'm not doing that at the minute I have like maybe 15 movies that I'm watching Pretty much on repeat and then I'll watch something with an act out of that in it and then go back to the ones that are bringing me Comfort you know I'm not watching things necessarily because I find them interesting or because I think that they like might teach me something or whatever else I'm very watching things because they'll provide me with comfort and they'll make me feel better and I won't think about my life while I'm watching it you know like Kevin Smith's always been like the person that I go to for this type of time in my life so it's quite a weird nice coincidence I just recently got to meet him but like especially when I first found his film when I was like 15 16 having that whole like Universe you know it's the vi Universe having that whole universe that I can delve into and be like what kind of character would I be and where would I fit with these people and what the you know like have like an entire Little World there that I fully go into and I forget about everything that exists here on my actual reality and when I'm not in like I'm still reluctant to be like I'm in Burnout because I feel like I'm doing pretty well for someone that's in Burnout you know but I'm also definitely not doing as well as I usually am but it's definitely when I'm in this kind of position that I go for things that are more of a whole universe that I can just Escape into and I'm not watching it to like gain anything from it you know like a lot of the time I feel like when I watch stuff I find it inspiring I find it motivating I you know gain something from it it makes me think about something and at the minute I don't want that I just want things that are going to make me feel happy and comfortable and that I can escape into and I I I do feel like it's somewhat unhealthy cuz like it's the 21st of May and this is how many movies I've watched if you want to pause and read them all but and like a lot of them are repeats but like that's not unhealthy amount of films to watch in 20 days and I don't feel like really like watching them and engaging with them in the healthiest way like I don't think it's necessarily an unhealthy way like I don't think I'm engaging it in it in a way that's actively damaging but I don't think I'm engaging it with it in a way that's actively healthy either and that's because I'm mentally not doing that healthfully right now and you know the upside a lot of my videos don't have upsides but the upside here is that I do feel like I've you know like equipped myself with skills to deal with this it's not like the first time had I experienced burnout where I had to hit the absolute Rock buttom and stop giving a it's the type of burnout where I'm like oh I have indication that this is happening so I'm going to be kinder to myself I'm going to watch my little movies and not feel bad about it I'm going to watch the same movie three times in a row and not be like oh my God I'm such a freak for doing this you know I'm just not going to make myself feel bad about things and it's you know it's kind of the opposite of the whole like oh I just don't care then mentality that I had to get out of Bur out the first time in that it's like I care enough about myself now that I'm going to be nice to myself and be kind to myself and it's not that I'd have to not care in order to do that it's that I can care and still do that and I've also you know filled my life with a lot of accommodations and a support system I have people I can speak to about things I have people you know like if if I messaged one of my friends right now and was like I really cannot eat anything apart from this one thing I need you to come here and make it for me or order me it or like you know figure out a way to get it to me they would I wouldn't be that demanding and shitty about it don't get me wrong but you know like I have people I'm like I know that if I ended up in a position where I'm like I haven't been able to do my dishes for two weeks someone would be there to do it for me if I needed them and I'd do it for them as well that's that's the nice part of things you know and I also don't have my abusive partner and mother around you know like being able to sort of just like Bedrock for a day without someone screaming at you for doing so it makes it a hell of a lot easier to be kind to yourself like not having people around you be unkind you does make it easier to be kind to yourself and I'm really benefiting from that currently real quickly as well I am also doing more like arts and crafts that I usually do and that's something I've been finding really really useful actually really helpful I will sit down to like do my thing and then it's like 3 hours later and I'm like oh nice I've gotten three hours down that's three hours of my life in the past now I'm moving through time surviving but I do think that like ass and being able to create stuff and things like that is a very like meaningful and productive thing to do with your time even though like it's taken me a while to get there cuz I was very like I'm not an artist like if I paint a little picture no one's going to put it in a gallery no one's going to buy it no one's going to display it like and I I already have like on my walls I don't need another painting what the am I meant to do with it so I've I've been finding ways to be creative in ways that feel purposeful I suppose and that's been really helpful I've been feeling really good about myself for that you know it's it's a very easy simp thing that I can do that gives me a feeling of like productivity and creativity I've created something here's the thing I made it I I just I really enjoy that and I would definitely recommend it that's the only thing in this video that I would recommend to other people please don't like I mean deal with burnout however the you need to deal with burnout quite frankly I don't feel like I should be recommending like oh just just watch six movies a day and completely Escape reality in that way like I wouldn't recommend that you know but I would definitely recommend getting into smarts and crafts doing something creative seeing if that helps to like fuel your fire and bring bring your inner like self out a little bit it makes me feel good it makes me feel like I'm connecting with who I really am it's a good time so yeah I I do think it's worth keeping in mind that everyone's B like not only is everyone's burnout different I'll stop clicking that sorry but not only is everyone's burnout different but I think that we as individuals can also experience different types of burnout I do feel like that's kind of what's happening right now and you know I'm not not so sure that it is that it's like a baby burnout or if it's that I have accommodated to myself and figured things out and and equipped myself with myself with skills that allow me to deal with this in a healthier way than other times I I don't know which it is but I'm pretty sure I am pretty burnt out right now honestly everything is quite overwhelming a bit too much and I can't really think about things or process things or deal with anything but I feel like I have the skills to be kind to myself and you know look after myself to get through it and be all light at the end of it and actually get out of it so yeah yeah there you go that's the video that's everything I wanted to say um I I would really love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this if you've experienced things like this if you've experienced different types of burnout as well and any any thoughts that you have on this one I would really like to get to read I'm just swinging my foot about now I'm really like ansy I feel weird I don't know I don't feel the way I usually do when I finish filming a video if you want to see more content like this you can like And subscribe I am currently still managing to post on Tuesdays Thursdays and Sundays and I will for the foreseeable the idea of missing a video makes me feel absolutely sick I cannot do it like I I have very few things in my life at the minute that I feel like I have to do and this is one of them and it's not in a way of like uh I have to do that you know it's in the way of like I've kept up with this and I've maintained this I'm really really proud of myself for this don't it up now but yeah I have Instagram and Tik Tok if you'd like to follow me over on those they'll be linked down below and I will also link my cofi and Pat on if you would like to follow me on either of those and be able to donate money to me give me cash you don't have to there is absolutely no pressure it's entirely up to you patreons do get content a little tiny bit early sometimes you're getting at the same time at the minute I'm sorry it's just when the video is done it's meant to be up already but I'm I'm going to get my together again pretty damn soon and and I actually upload on patreon early and hopefully also like start including some other perks so yeah whoever you are wherever you are if you have morning evening Day Afternoon week month year I will see you again a couple of days

Channel: Dana Andersen

Views: 1,627

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Id: wgZvAgAmdF8

Length: 21min 41sec (1301 seconds)

Published: Tue May 21 2024