My Abuse Story| Child Abuse| Spilling the Tea: Childhood Secret Part 2

okay so I actually just tried to film a different video that was supposed to be like about how I met my husband I feel like this camera's crooked okay but so I I just tried to film a different video that was supposed to be like a fun light-hearted video about how I met my husband because I didn't really want to I didn't really want to film this video today but my camera in the middle of me filming that video turned off and while the camera was off I felt like maybe I should just go ahead and film my abuse story video um so that's why my I do I'm gonna tell I tell you guys all about what I went through as a child and I really hope this video will help help someone I hope that I don't cry on camera because that will be really embarrassing if I do cry on camera Mike you know edited it out and um before I start this video I just want to say that if I smile or laugh in it it does not mean I think it's funny it means I'm feeling really uncomfortable and that's what I do to protect myself is I smile in I laugh through things so yeah and I'm not filming this nearing that time today so if you hear a baby crying and then my husband is taking care of them and they are okay I promise okay so let's just go ahead and start this video I wrote a lot of it down because I get really nervous talking about this and I needed to organize my thoughts so I actually wrote a lot of it or a lot of it down so that I wouldn't forget anything so if you see me looking down at my phone that's what I'm doing so I really don't know where the video was going to go or if I'm even going to upload it but I'm going to attempt to tell y'all some of the hardest stories of my life I do not like talking about or even thinking about these stories honestly I try hard to forget a lot of them but it's like my body literally will not let me forget so my earliest memory starts when I was 4 and I'm sorry if I sound out of breath this gives me a lot of anxiety to talk about but um so my earliest memory starts when I was four and I was at my grandparents house and my mom was there and my grandmother and my mom or they were watching a movie and I was just sitting on the couch I wasn't even really paying attention to what they were watching but I remember I looked up and in the movie that they were watching this couple in the movie they started to like kiss and like heavily makeout so they are making out in the movie and I remember the instant I saw them making out I instantly got this bad feeling and this feeling wasn't like the normal four year old do they have cooties kind of filling it was literally like I felt disgusting I got this tingle over my entire body and I just felt like disgusting and nasty and any other negative word you could think about yourself is it what I felt in that moment and ever since that day I have gotten the bad feeling and I thought that's the only word I could like I call it the bad feeling because that is how it makes me feel it makes me feel bad every time I get it and I still get that bad going to this day I get it every single day I literally get the bad feeling every single day and it can happen in in the most random of times I could be so happy and then all the the back and just comes and it's constant reminder of what happened to me so I get the bad billing first memory first time I had a feeling like something is not right that was the when I was four years old so so let me just go ahead and say this so it is out there and I can move on my dad was a drug dealer and out in an alcoholic and he physically mentally and sexually abused me as a child not only did he abused me but he'll out to other men that I can remember do so as well my dad told me that I was his favorite and that's why he did things to me now I have a lot of clear memories of the abuse and I also have something but I also have some fuzzy memories but I'm only going to vaguely tell you about the clear memories that I have but my sister and I were forcibly taken from my parents and rightfully so if my grandparents hadn't taken us then we would probably be dead or worse my grandparents literally saved our lives also I am not making this video for pity or attention I am simply just making this video to raise awareness to child abuse I want to let people know that child abuse has no race it has no religion it has no political standing it has no social standing it literally could be happening to anyone you know and if people had just recognized the signs me and my sister it probably would have stopped a lot earlier than it did and let me be clear even after being forcibly taken from my grandparents the abuse still happened because my parents were granted visitation the beus the abuse literally didn't stop until I was about seven when my mom and dad finally divorced so if you can't tell I am feeling very vulnerable right now and I'm not gonna go into crazy detail about my memories but I'm gonna give you the gist of what happened to me and I hope that I can help someone by telling you this story in it yeah let me just let me just start let me just start with this story and my my memories they're not in any chronological order and some of the memories I can't remember exactly how old I was in the memory but yeah anyway let me just start so the first memory I'm going to share is a memory I call blue lights so my my dad he used to have this really really cool red truck and the truck had a front seat in a back seat and I always thought this truck was so cool I don't know I'm a truck girl so he he had this red truck and this particular night him and my mom were sitting in the front seat and then my sister was in a car seat beside me and then I was the stop I was I was sitting behind my mom and we went it was it was nighttime so we pulled up sorry um so we pulled up to this apartment building complex and it was like really rundown and we were not in a nice of town I don't I don't know where it was but we were not in a good area and we pull up to this building and my dad gets out of the car and I just remember my heart was racing because I was so I was scared for him I'm like I hope is he gonna be okay like where's he going and so my dad gets out the car and he goes he goes into the apartment and he's in there for quite a bit and my mom's in the front seat and then all of a sudden my dad he comes out of the apartment complex and he and he's running to the car and he gets in the car and closes the door and he locks it and he starts the car really really fast and he starts to drive away and when he's driving away I look behind me and I see this man with a beard I'm running after the car and he's yelling at my dad as he's running to the car and then I remember I look out the window and I see blue street lights and then I remember that I saw so I saw the blue street lights and then I saw the reflection of the lights from the dashboard reflecting in the glass of the window at night and that memory just stuck with me and one day when I was older and I was opening up to my grandmother about things that had happened to me I told her about that story and she said it's she's like I can't believe you remember that story you were so little but she knew exactly what I was talking about she was like yeah that night a police officer actually called me and told me that the man your dad was trying to sell drugs to my dad gave him fake drugs and the man got mad and he called the police on my dad and the police called my grandmother and told her that um they were looking for my my dad and that they had two babies in the back seat so my meemaw knew exactly what I was talking about when I was telling her so that's one of one of my memories I have in blue streetlights in the action of the dashboard triggers my PTSD so the next memory I'm gonna share is I is called Santa I named all of my memories in my phone so I would know what to say but my next memory is called Santa and the pot of beans so my mom and dad had they had my sister and I for Christmas Eve night so we were over at my mom's house well it was a trailer but we were over at her house and she had drew a picture of Santa Claus on this huge white piece of paper and she wanted us to tell her what we wanted Santa to bring this for Christmas that year and she would write them on the piece of paper and then after she did that she wanted us to color Santa so we colored his suit red and then the piece of papers white so we just kind of stopped and my mom's like oh you've got a color his beard white and then my mom and dad got into a fight about whether or not it was stupid to color a piece of paper white and I I was like a huge daddy's role like I loved my dad I loved him so much and uh so I always naturally just assumed he was always right and I sided with him all the time not even like half the time I always sided with my dad so he said don't color that piece of paper white I didn't color that piece of paper white but my sister always felt bad for my mom and she always seemed to side with my mom so my sister gets on the floor and my sister is younger than me she gets on the floor and she starts coloring Santa's beard white and my mom's helping her and the entire time my dad is sitting there mocking them like making fun of them and and then that night that night we had to go to go to sleep because Santa was supposed to come and my sister and I so my sister and I were in in our room sleeping and I remembered I woke up to my dad yelling and my mom screaming and um I looked over at my sister whose bed I'm like this way on the wall and she's so here's the room I'm over here she's on this wall and I remember I woke up and I set up and Ben and I saw my dad throw a hot pot of beans over my sister's bed then I remember seeing my mom job and shield my sister so that the hot beans don't hurt her and my sister crying and I thought oh and I just went back to sleep because that's how normal this kind of stuff was in my house the next morning I woke up and there was a hole in the wall and the same stain from where the beans had hit the wall okay so the next memory that I'm going to share I was suppose I don't I don't have a title for this one but oh so my mom and dad we were in this like it looked like an Indian apartment I think we were in an apartment but it was like the room I was in was empty there was like nothing in this apartment early but the room that my sister and I were supposed to be sleeping the door was kind of slightly opened so I up because I heard my mom and dad fighting and I woke up and I remember seeing the glow from the TV shining into this dark room that I was in and then I remember seeing my dad pacing back and forth in front of that crack in the door and he literally looked like a wild animal trying to attack that's how I remember him looking but he's pacing back and forth in front of this door and I just remember Phil like something was wrong so I naturally I start crying because I'm a little kid so I started crying and then my mom um came into the ring and she picks me up and she's holding me and she's rocking me to sleep and she she starts singing hush little baby and to this day I can't even listen to that song I cannot hear hush little baby but she starts singing hush little baby yada yada yada and um and then my dad starts yelling at her why to come back into the room because he wasn't done talking to her and so she lays me down and I didn't want her to go and I was like mommy no please don't go please don't go and then she laid me down and she's like I'll be right back and so she lays me down in this dark room leaves the room and closes door completely and I'm afraid of the dark so I start crying because I didn't want to be in a dark room I was scared and I'm crying like forever it feels like and then a little bit later or I don't know how long it was but she then comes back in the room and she's in like a hurry so she started gathering up all this stuff and she's putting it in a bag and then she gets me and my sister is still asleep lord knows how that girl was sleeping but she was still asleep and my sister picked a my help my sister my mom picks her up and gets me by the hand and then we start walking out the door and my dad's like following us and he's yelling at my mom as we're leaving and we go when we get into this car on my mom's car we get into her car and we drive away and I just can't remember remembering I was like mommy can we please go to my mom's house can we please go to my mom's house and then she was like no we're not going to Mema's and meemaw's my grandmom and um then she we ended up going to like a Kmart or a Walmart or something one of those stores and she parks in the parking lot underneath another blue light and she parked some parking lot and then she lays her seat back and then she gets sweatpants and sweat clothes out of her bag and she puts me and my sister in sweat clothes and then she's like oh can you go to sleep and I'm thinking are we are we sleeping in the car is this what we're doing and um so she's like go to sleep and I couldn't I couldn't get comfortable to go to sleep I was cold and the seats were not comfortable but I eventually start directing on to sleep and I remember this police officer came and knocked on my mom's window and she got out of the car to talk to him and when she got out of the car I just kept thinking she's going to get arrested because I was so used to seeing my dad get arrested or having the police calm and that I just thought she was going to get arrested that was always one of my fears was my mom's gonna get arrested where my dad is gonna get arrested and so the police officer talks to her and she gets back in the car and then we drive away and I must have fell asleep in the car because the next day I woke up and I was back in that empty apartment room and I wake up and I like sit up and I'm thinking was it all a dream like I thought I had dreamt it and then I looked and I saw that I was in sweat clothes and I was really confused so then my mom comes in the room and I remember my mom had a cut over her eye and I looked at her and I'm like I'm like I told her about what I remembered and then she said she looked at me and she's like you can't tell anyone about that you can't tell me you can't tell me mom about this okay promise me you're gonna keep it a secret and I was like okay and whenever I didn't tell me mom until I got older and then I did tell me more so there you go just saying um so anyway I that so that's another memory slowly working up there I promise you guys I just have to start off slow so that I don't freak myself out so the next memory I'm going to share I'm not really going to elaborate a lot on but just know that my dad he would try to brainwash me my sister and I'm positive he brainwashed my mom but he would try to brainwash us into hating people because he was a racist so he would try to teach us racial slurs and then actually tell us to call people that when we would be in grocery stores and yeah that's what I'm gonna say about that and then he also would try to brainwash us into fearing our grandparents so whenever we would go back to their house we would be my sister and I would be so afraid of my grandparents that we would hide in our room and we wouldn't come out for hours because we were so afraid of them and then we would eventually come out and realize hey these people weren't that bad and then we would we'd get used to them again then we go back to back to my mom and dads and then it would just start over I also remember my dad burning my mom's clothes and the smell of the clothes burning and so sometimes whenever I smell fire wood fire wood burning outside if we're driving down the street it'll trigger that smell that smell will trigger a memory trigger this specific memory I have of him burning my mom's clothes okay so this one's a little bit more of an intense memory for me but this one I called it v5o foam and you'll find out why so my grandparents went to visit my grandmother's mom and she lived in the neighboring state so they would always take a day trip to visit and then come back so they were out of they were visiting her mom and dad my grandparents mom and dad and my my sister and I and my mom and dad my mom and dad were in my meemaw's house and my dad had us all sit around the kitchen table so I'm sitting at the head of the table my mom sitting to the left of me and my sister sitting to the right of me and my dad is over near the kitchen sink where the knives are and he grabs a kitchen knife one of those big butcher knives and he's walking over to us and he's swinging the knife around and he walks up behind my mom and he pulls her hair I mean takes the knife and he acts like he's gonna cut her throat and we get my sister and I get really really scared and then my mom starts smiling like oh he's just playing so I'm like oh it's just it's just a funny game kind of thing then he starts laughing he takes the knife he's swinging it around and he goes over to my sister and he does the same thing to her and my sister starts crying because she's scared and he takes the knife and he pretends like he's gonna cut her throat and then my mom goes no joke no don't and oh then he he stops and he's like oh I'm just playing I'm not I wouldn't really I wouldn't really hurt eat or something and then he takes the knife and he stabs it in the middle of the table there was a crack in the table and he stabbed it into the crack at the table and then I just remember thinking I'm kind of like I was scared like I love my dad but I was it I was scared and um anyway he goes we're gonna play a game we're gonna pretend like someone just broke into the house and you have to find a hiding place and hide from them so I'm gonna pretend to be the bad guy and you guys are gonna hide and I'm gonna turn around I'm gonna count to 10 and when I get to 10 I'm gonna come find you so I'm like oh yeah this is gonna be fun because I'm thinking of it's like hide-and-go-seek okay cool so he turned to me start counting to 10 and I won so we have the kitchen and in the living room so I run into the living room and I get behind the living room door and I pulled the door so it still looks like the door is open but I'm hiding behind it and I can see through the crack and I see my mom and sister run down the hall and I hear them go into my sister's room and so they go into my sister's room and I hear them hear her hide her hide my sister under the bed and then my mom went and hid someplace else and so then he gets to ten and he turned he goes fie fie Oh phone and he's stomping down the hall and so he's stomping down the hall and I see him with the knife he stomps down the hall past the door he walks past me like who can't find me think it wasn't my sister's room he get looks like I bet he grabs my sister out here and pull my sister out from under the bed she's crying she's scared and he I hear him carry her down the hall and then I next thing I hear is my mom going no stop no you know and then I was like scared cuz I'm like that doesn't sound like a good thing you know and so I get out for my hiding spot and I run down the hall and he's in my meemaw's room and I remember I'm standing in the doorway my mom's hitting him trying to get him off my sister and his back at me like this and I I go Daddy what are you doing and he's instantly like a lights like a light switch just switched in his head and he stops and he gets off of her and he looks at me and he his face is all red he goes I'm just playing I'm not doing anything I'm not gonna hurt her and my sister is crying like still crying and my mom grabs my sister is like holding her now the sexual abuse is one of my top my worst and hardest memories to think about so I'm not I'm not comfortable going into a lot of detail about the sexual abuse a lot of it I'm pretty sure you can fill in the blanks but my dad he would sexually abused me and when he he would do so he would it would hurt me and so I would say that I would tell him that it was hurting me and then he said if you count to ten it won't hurt as bad so he would count to ten over and over again so the these memories of my sexual abuse are actually hard because it's hard for me not to like have flashbacks with them so yeah just throwing that out there so um after he would abuse me he would tell me that no one cared about me that no one loved me and that if I ever told anyone that I would get taken away and be put in a children's home and I would never see my mom my sister or my grandparents ever again and that I didn't need to tell people and that there was nothing wrong I was made to feel like nothing was wrong with what he was doing and that it was normal and that's how your dad shows that you love that he loves you is by doing that that is what I was made to believe also like I said in the beginning of the video he was not the only man I remember doing this to me he would allow oh I don't know how I remember specifically two other guys but he would allow these two other guys to sexually abuse me and trade for drugs he would tell me that these men these grown men he would tell me that they were my boyfriend so whenever I would see them he would refer to them as boy friends and one of the guys that I remember the most his name is Bill and I called him the furniture man because because he owned a furnish of he owned a furniture store down the street literally five minutes from my grandmother's house and I actually saw him the most out of everyone including my dad because my mom also trusted him so I saw him pretty regularly I actually didn't stop seeing the furniture man until his furniture store went out of business when I was seven so it used the last lasted until I was about seven okay so I'm just gonna share one memory about him really quick because this video is getting kind of long but this isn't this is an important memory in my life so my sister and I were left at the furniture furniture store to be babysat by him and I just remember I knew exactly what was about to happen as soon as my parents left I remember also thinking why couldn't we just go to me Moss house because Nemo wasn't but down the street and I wanted to go to me Moss house but that wasn't an option so my sister and I were left with the furniture man and I instantly took my sister and I hid her under the couch one of the couches that was to be sold I hid her underneath the couch and I started running through the rows a Furniture Kazan trying to find a place to hide now so I started running through the rows of furniture and he grabs me and he puts me under his arm and he takes me up onto this platform in the back that I used to call the stage because I like to pretend like I was putting shows on it so I called it the stage it really was just back like where they kept all the furniture that wasn't on display yet so okay so he has me under his arm he goes up on the stage and he takes me to the back and there's it's really dark back there and there's one single light there's a table and he lays me on the table and I just remember looking up at that light and I remember looking at his face and seeing his smile and you fill in the blanks from there but that's what happened that's the truth what happened no one better tell me it didn't happen because it did but anyway so I stated earlier that my dad would allow guys to do things to me for trade of drugs and the reason that I know that happened the reason I know that it was in trade for drugs is because one time after the furniture man after a different instance my I go back to the car and my dad's hanging outside the car and I saw the furniture man give him this little baggie with white dust in it so I mean yeah it happened like that's what happened so yeah that's all I'm willing to share I just want to say that I am terrified to post this video but I truly believe that this my story was meant to be heard I believe that at least one person was meant to hear my story and I hope this story is heard by that person I really hope it helps you whoever it is I believe that in telling my story it will raise awareness to child abuse I hope that if you are being abused that you find help don't live in fear fear is crippling and crippling is how that person or people or whatever who abused you are is abusing you want you to feel they want you to feel crippled if I can share my story and I am an open person if I can share my story then so can you also if you are being abused or you have been abuse know that the recovery is long and it is hard and you will never ever forget the abuse but you need to move forward you will have setbacks trust me every day of my life I am reminded of this abuse even in the smallest ways whether it be the smell of something look the sight of something like if everything is familiar everything will always be familiar but focusing on that abuse will do nothing but send you into a downward spiral trust me find someone you can trust and let that secret out make your own video if you have to let's not be silent victims anymore let's be vocal survivors if you liked this video give it a thumbs up please share this video with someone you might you think might need to hear it and I will talk to you guys next week and hopefully not have such a hopefully I'll make a lighter topic of it hopefully I'll have a more upbeat and happy MIDI to share with you guys next week I just felt like the story needed to be told today so there you go here it is out there for you guys please be nice in the comments and just know if you are being abused it is not okay but you will be and I will talk to you next week I make videos every Saturday and sometimes I get impatient and upload them early so all right love you guys

Channel: mamaMOMmommy -Angel

Views: 238,514

Rating: 4.7677317 out of 5

Keywords: Ptsd, Post traumatic stress disorder, Trauma, My abuse, abuse story, Sexual abuse, Mental abuse, Physical abuse, Child abuse, Abuse symptoms, Domestic violence, depression, Abuse help, Getting help, Help, Know abuse, Abuse signs, Child abuse signs, Abuse, Partner abuse, Abusing, Partner abusing, Parents abusing, Spouse abuse, Wife abuse, Husband abuse, spilling tea, spilling the tea, spilled tea, Tea spilt, tea spilled, Story, story time, CPTSD

Id: QgLP58ikbk4

Length: 32min 52sec (1972 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 11 2018