Mulan - The Movie Nobody Wants

oh disney what are you doing when you're not running one of the most popular and beloved ips in cinematic history into the ground through a combination of incompetent producers clueless directors and lashings of toxic social justice ideology you're resurrecting classic animated movies from your golden age and rehashing them as joyless brainless pointless live-action cgi crossovers with all of the charm wits energy wonder and excitement of a 3d corporate diversity seminar which brings me neatly along to mulan an unwelcome remake of the late 90s animated movie about the young girl in imperial china who disguises herself as a man so she can take her father's place in the army and fight to protect her country a movie that's probably best remembered for the [ __ ] awesome szechuan sauce that mcdonald's released to promote it wow this sauce is amazing you said it was promoting a movie it'll never be topped but since we now live in a post-creativity era i guess it was time to scrape the bottom of the barrel once more and a remake and everything seemed great to begin with i mean mulan is a movie about female empowerment featuring a strong diverse female protagonist directed by a woman written by a bunch of other women and with not a single white male on screen to spoil the fun there are so many virtues to be signaled here i just don't know where to start but then it all began to go wrong just as the movie was gearing up for release the outbreak of the unspecified virus of unknown origin combined with some embarrassing revelations about the star's political views on hong kong and the more uh questionable things going on in the province where this movie was shot soured the public appetite for all things chinese and led to the movie's release being repeatedly delayed realizing that the situation was spiraling out of control and desperate to recoup some of their 200 million dollar budget disney pulled the plug on a cinematic release altogether and replaced it with a simple question hey you know that disney plus subscription you're already paying a [ __ ] ton of money for well how about dumping an extra 30 dollars in our pockets so that you can watch our shitty movie hmm tough one indeeds well it's my job to endure this so that you don't have to and believe me i don't think you should allow me to illuminate you the action kicks off in a small village in imperial china mulan is a smart brave adventurous tomboy kind of character who dreams about a life of adventure and excitements lovely stuff unfortunately for her this is a culture where women are expected to do three things in life get married have babies and shut the [ __ ] up and pretty soon she's facing the prospects of an unwelcome arranged marriage meanwhile china is invaded by the mongols i'm not making that joke anyway they're led by a vicious warlord determined to conquer the whole country and he's assisted by a witch that can shape-shift like she's a [ __ ] t-1000 or something why don't know the emperor needs an army to counter this threat so he orders mass conscription across the country every family is expected to contribute at least one man of fighting age unfortunately mulan's father didn't have any sons and he's a useless old [ __ ] now so he isn't gonna last five minutes in a war realizing that she has to do something mulan disguises herself as a man steals her father's sword and armor which somehow fits perfectly despite the fact that she's a completely different heightened build [Music] and rides off to war just like before a lot of this movie centers around her struggle to succeed and gain recognition and respect in a male-dominated world but this is where the differences between the two movies start to emerge and mulan begins to unravel see the original actually took a pretty balanced and realistic view of the subject of women serving in the military animated mulan wasn't particularly big or strong or good at fighting because that wouldn't be realistic given her background she was actually kind of clumsy and unsure of herself and she had to work extra hard just to keep up with her male counterparts she even got her ass kicked a few times by her commanding officer because he correctly recognized that sending substandard soldiers into battle is a quick way to get a whole lot of people killed but she persevered and worked hard and refused to give up gradually getting stronger and more confident and winning over the respect of her fellow soldiers she wasn't really special in any way she was just strong-willed and brave and refused to back down when things got tough it made her kind of endearing and relatable because she wasn't the best and brightest and you know what that's a pretty good lesson for kids to learn these days because let's be honest life isn't always easy or fair and just because other people start out better than you doesn't mean it has to end that way animated mulan was a character that demonstrated the value of hard work determination and resilience qualities that will serve you well in life but new mulan is another sad graduate of the modern disney school of strong girls that are awesome because they're girls she was apparently born with high levels of chi which i guess is the chinese equivalent of midichlorians the more chi you have the more funky matrix stuff you can do in battle why don't know the result is that new mulan is basically awesome at everything right off the bat and quickly becomes the bestest soldier ever rather than struggling just to keep up with her male counterparts she's forced to carefully hold back her true power because i guess it would be too overwhelming for them to handle and i couldn't shake the feeling that this is just a re-skinned captain marvel a strong powerful character who can only realize her full potential once she throws off the shackles of a jealous restrictive patriarchy in a glorious moment of unveiling like at one point during a battle where she just says [ __ ] it and takes off her armor so that she can fight unencumbered and promptly goes into full crouching tiger hidden dragon mode what the [ __ ] remember the animated movie how mulan successfully kept her secret until she got wounded in battle and that's when they discovered her big ass titties that version of mulan was smart enough to realize that if her fellow soldiers discovered what she really was she'd be shunned and discharged from the army she recognized this and accepted it as an unfortunate fact of life she wasn't narcissistic enough to try to change the whole world just to accommodate her own personal ambitions but new mulan has to turn the whole thing into an act of rebellion like she's making some brave political statement by revealing her true nature and really all this does is diminish your character portraying her as dumb and short-sighted someone who prioritizes a fleeting emotional release over long-term gains why are you doing this to your characters you absolute mature cheddar and caramelized red onion chutney sandwiches this is not how you write a relatable protagonist i mean imagine if a young girl that got raised on a steady diet of rae skywalker's captain marvels and mulans decided to apply the lessons of these characters to her own life showing up for job interviews with no relevant qualifications or taking on major physical challenges with no training or preparation but it's okay because she thinks she can just succeed anyway because she was born to be awesome trust me that is not how life works there's also the evil t-1000 witch who isn't actually evil but chose to follow the mongol warlord because it was our only means of attaining power as a woman what you're a [ __ ] witch that can transform into anything or anyone that you choose do you really think you need a sponsor for this kind of [ __ ] yeah whatever the only reason she's even in the movie is so that she can switch sides and help mulan out because i guess the writers wanted to show two strong female characters supporting each other's success in a male dominated worlds i think we have a critic so out of the two antagonists in this movie you've got one that isn't really an antagonist at all but gets the bulk of the screen time because you go girl and a second one that's just kind of plopped in as a generic disposable villain to get an arrow kicked into his chest at the climax what the [ __ ] this is exactly what happens when you prioritize the message over the story trying to bend and warp one to fit the needs of the other ultimately all you'll end up with is a distorted mess that makes no sense and i guess that's my real takeaway from mulan i just do not understand the point of this movie at all it's a confused boring unimaginative and unwelcome attempt to rework a disney animated classic injecting heavy-handed political messaging that's far less smart and effective than it was 22 years ago and removing most of the funny upbeat entertaining characters and moments that made the original so watchable so if you happen to be the parent of a young girl who wants to give her a strong female role model to look up to then save yourself 30 dollars and just have her watch the original mulan or better yet ripley from aliens either way do yourself a favor and stay the [ __ ] away from this garbage anyway that's all i've got for today go away now

Channel: The Critical Drinker

Views: 940,145

Rating: 4.929143 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: kIH-eFqBLP4

Length: 9min 48sec (588 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 10 2020

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Latest figures show 90m Subscribers paid the $30 fee to watch it on Disney+. Disney also gained about 60% new subscribers to its streaming platform.

Disney has not given any more numbers than that, but are very pleased at the results so far.