MOTHER WOUND: SIGNS | DR. KIM SAGE

welcome back we're talking about the mother wound and how that affects us and what it kind of does to us I've been talking about the behaviors and patterns kind of what we see that often contribute to the mother wound I talked a couple days ago about the legacy of the mother wounded how we often believe that there's something fundamentally wrong with us and that is what today's video is about how the mother wound really affects us and how we look at ourselves and our lives if you're new here I'm a licensed clinical psychologist so welcome please feel free to subscribe and also check out my courses up below up below post it up posted above in the banner and you'll see the workbooks I have here and so those really are courses designed uh for you if you're someone who has a motherboard so please feel free to check those out I'm someone who definitely has mother wounds so I wrote and created these courses as a personal you know human being who has these wounds and also as a clinician who has been really specializing in working with people who've had these stories so I hope you'll find them helpful if that's something you want to check out okay so the core of courses I keep saying is about believing that you were unlovable unworthy but you're bad inside that you're only valued when you do things that love is conditional and so the core wound is that there's no real space for you to be a separate self that they're and if you are a separate self there's something wrong with that separate self and then it plays out in your trauma responses your mental and physical health issues certainly in your relationship patterns that is really often the core of these attachment wounds that I talk about so much is that the wound actually occurs in the caregiving space and so that's what we're talking about today so how do you know in some ways okay yeah you're saying yeah I've watched these videos and I kind of get it let's talk even more deeply about what that looks like if you ever actually wondered if your mother really loved you you know like does she really even or even liked you maybe there are times when you think she thinks you're the greatest person ever but when she's really upset with you she says and does such hurtful things that you actually start to question if she really like wants to be your mom loves being your mom likes you as a person and then you often feel ashamed that you're even having those feelings and even more so a shame that that might be true and so if your own mother doesn't like you or doesn't really want to be a mother to you what does that say about you and oftentimes like I've said that non-verbal pre-verbal belief system that it has to be something wrong with you as a result of having a mother wound you might often feel that it is your job to caretake and people please everyone else that the only way you get good love is by sacrificing yourself and that is some it is somehow your job to take care of everyone else around you and along those lines as I've said even being a parent when your kids struggle you fully believe that it is your fault right everything is your fault it's like almost not fair you don't let them be held accountable especially as they get older right it's one thing when they're little but no matter what happens you take things so personally because that is how you survive your childhood often you know you taking the hit on her bad hurtful behavior and that way you could not be mad at her because you needed her to survive right kids will choose the the attachment to survive the next thing is you often believe that if this is a mother wound for you that your mother's needs and wounds are more important than your own and I swear every time I start talking I have cat hairs um if you found that you're you can't imagine being unhappy with her or sharing how you really feel because she couldn't handle it right oh she'd be too upset she couldn't take it she's never in trouble she's never at fault it's never her fault those kind of things um and so you basically sacrifice your own self to maintain the relationship because you just don't think it could even be your fault or you think she could never handle it that's often a sign if you believe that love like I said is conditional and must be earned and that only when you are doing the good things in life when you're doing the things that she wants or just your own belief that you're only worthy when you're getting the good grades when you're following the diet when you are a certain weight when you take care of yourself a certain way or look a certain way when you get that raise at work or that promotion in the club you're in whatever it is it is only love is only valuable if someone else thinks it's worthy in an external kind of way you often believe that no matter what you do primarily for your mother but this kind of spreads into everything that no matter what it's never enough and it's your standard that's never enough now your mother may not say it's enough like that is an actual experience if you give her one thing she's like oh this is great but it could be bad or she's like why didn't why did you do that you're like look at all the good things I did so that's clear but also that often spreads in general like there will never be enough to be worthy inside for you but certainly your mother might tell you yeah it's not enough you often believe that she can't handle the truth of who she is so you have to protect her and you do that by never confronting her or by apologizing even though she's the one that acts in a you know difficult hurtful way but deep inside you kind of feel like you have to protect her from even knowing that she's hurt you whatever it is you have this like kind of irrational need to protect her from the truth of who she is and who she may have hurt you'll often feel guilty and bad if you don't do what she wants you to do and even if she doesn't say it you've internalized her standards so much that you shame yourself for things that you feel like wouldn't be up to par for her you often don't tell her the truth about your life your you know the details of your life relationships you're very selective about what you share don't because you truly believe that that love is conditional and that she has certain expectations of you and or you just don't want to hear it right you might say I don't really care what she thinks but the truth is you do and it hurts to hear it and so you don't tell her those things you're constantly chasing approval from others and and being seen yourself because you have internalized that love only matters or success or value or beauty or intelligence when people see it when the world sees it and so you're chasing things to give you that sense inside you often feel that no matter what once again it will never be enough right so you're stuck in that Loop you often wonder if there's something wrong with you in relationships like why is it always my fault why am I the bad one or why do I keep choosing Partners whatever it is who are who are hurtful so you try even harder to love them more to be a better version of yourself to give them more of what they want and the Dilemma there is it often as a result of these kind of wounding these kind of mother wounds you often unconsciously choose wounding Partners who you are never going to be enough with and they're often replicating that that Nest that feels Just Like Home it looks different but it's it's a very similar nest and so you feel afraid at times to even have your own children you feel at times to level you feel afraid to love other people because Love Hurts at the core that core mother wound is that love is unsafe and Love Hurts and so that is why it is so imperative that you understand where these wounds come from because so much of your personality your beliefs your responses that you think are who you are are often in part a response to the childhood requirements you had to survive to the versions of yourself you had to create and tell yourself you were to tolerate a wound a parental wound but most especially whoever that primary caregiver was which is often the mother wound please feel free to add more that you think I forgot of course we know these kind of therapies that help these things are often trauma type Therapies therapies that look at our sense of self how our bodies operate our nervous systems how we think of ourselves it's quite layered it's not just one thing but most of us are seeking validation at the core and being validated for having a mother wound is an incredibly important place to start and so I hope this is helping you do that thank you so much for being here and I'll see you tomorrow take care stay safe [Music] [Music] [Music] foreign

Channel: Dr. Kim Sage, Licensed Psychologist

Views: 60,238

Keywords: mother wound, mother wound healing, mother wound daughter, toxic mother in law, toxic mother, narcissistic mother, parentified, enmeshment trauma, enmeshed, c ptsd, complex ptsd, dr kim sage, dr kim sage borderline, emotionally immature parents

Id: Ynbgas0462k

Length: 8min 54sec (534 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 05 2023