HOW TO HEAL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT: EXPECTING REJECTION

[Music] being alone is the most calm I ever feel in my body and doing alone type activities is actually not lonely for me and that's true for so many of us who have a more avoidant attachment system but the reason why we do this is so much bigger than just our nervous systems and our bodies it really is that we've learned why bother it's so much safer alone who is going to really be able to accept me all of the parts of who I am yeah you expect to be rejected because in your childhood the degree of emotional neglect that you experienced taught you that the only way to stay close to people was to not have needs and or to not express them and so what you do is you show up in situations expecting to not be heard and that makes it difficult for you to tolerate negativity or feelings in other people I was driving to an appointment today listening to some talk and thinking about this relationship between addiction and attachment issues and all the pains like the Deep deep pain that we carry in our bodies and our minds and I really think that what happens is we tell everyone connection connection is key that is how you heal but if you had developed or have developed and avoid an attachment system in response to your early life that's the biggest problem right because humans and connection were the very things that were not available to you and or if you have a sort of Swing From avoiding to anxious and back in a more disorganized pattern human beings connection is stressful in our bodies and connection is not safe so it's it's so much bigger than like oh I'm not going to share because you're going to reject me it is that we oftentimes have learned to internalize our pain so much that we don't even recognize that we are having needs and in distress where I've seen this the most in the therapy room where now the therapy screen is with patients who have a really strong avoidant attachment system and what they do to manage a lot of this pain especially if they don't have don't have really any good connections to the more pain-filled anxious side except when maybe they're in a therapy session even that can be really hard they will spend the entire therapy session walking me through and telling me and narrating their trauma because in the beginning of therapy they can't even really do that oftentimes but they get really good at that but it is a great distraction to say hey look over here I'm telling you why I'm like this while I'm completely avoiding being present with you in the situation so the root of avoiding attachment is what we call repeated maternal rejection historically and what we learn is that it is not ever really possible or safe to show up in deep emotional ways and actually to stay close to the caregiver I have to not bring my needs and make it you know make it less about me and so I learned to take care of my own needs and that is that sort of dreamy autonomous independent state of mind we could find ourselves in where oftentimes the only time for someone like me who has to be honest for example really at times can be strong anxious and strong avoidant qualities is when I'm completely alone and this is very true for avoidance we only feel completely relaxed in our nervous system when there is no connection so think about that how do you then take that and say connection is key to Healing it's like no it's not because I only feel truly at peace and calm when I'm completely alone and this is why we're so good at being alone and why it is so hard to be with others same time we often we often really long for connection and relationship and so let's talk about what you can do to start to sort of push back on your own Tendencies if you have these more avoidant qualities the first thing is to learn to recognize that you are in distress that you actually have a moment of distress or days that that you're actually feeling something and it doesn't feel great and that might be in focusing on your body you know learning to identify in your chest or your head maybe it's like in your neck when you don't feel good or you just feel down or cloudy but the first thing is to begin to recognize that you're in distress number two to name it to tame it so once you've realized I'm really feeling overwhelmed you say it out loud I'm feeling overwhelmed and in the act of saying it that can often help reduce the volume the temperature the degree of pressure around being in distress in the first place number three one of the biggest ones that we have to work on and I could make a whole video about this is that when we have these kind of really chaotic erratic unsafe swinging back and forth kind of childhoods we have learned to turn off our wants so much that we don't even know what it feels like to want we know what it feels like to want to listen to providing to the wants of other people let me say that again we know what it feels like to be attuned to the wants of other people maybe that was said better but when it comes to ourselves not only do we not know what we want this is this doesn't mean we're not like independent and autonomous and go-getters but like deep inside our longing are wanting I'm talking about for emotional connection like that in and of itself is freaking terrifying the next one is to identify what are what would be your needs in relationships if you didn't assume you were going to be rejected what would that what would those be is it a partner to help you with the housework is it a partner to run errands with is it deep conversations is it long walks together is it traveling is it binge watching I mean really get specific about what you would like like I said a few minutes ago you might find that you're like well I like to have someone here but then the rest of time I want to be alone and that's okay except for part of what we're often doing is is we're trying to connect to the fact that we actually do want to be in relationship it's just that we've learned is terrifying and unsafe number five how do you deactivate and when and what makes you triggered and want to deactivate so remember that deactivation is the way a childhood their needs met we stop wanting we stop activating towards attachment whereas anxious people tend to activate closer they lean in we lean out so when do I notice I'm leaning out I'm like peace outing what do I say okay I don't you know I don't want to do this or that doesn't feel good or I just need to be alone right now it's like okay that's fine but why what just happened number six where do you project where do you become defensive when someone tries to engage you emotionally we have all of these strategies that we do to try to keep people from not pulling us in or to keep our space and of course all these things can be enhanced by you know significant trauma or even just repeated traumas neurodiversity relationship issues you know the the place we are in our lives but the reality is where do we come like oh this isn't about me this is about you when it's really about us when someone tries to engage with us so what do we need to look at in our own emotional responses to other people because usually where the strong emotions are is where it's less about them and more about us number seven honor that you cannot distract and numb and meet all of your needs all of the time like maybe you're really good at it for a while but that there's a place to let other people to come in to be a participant in your life remember number eight that deactivation is how you stay close and that is the great Paradox that you your idea of closeness is not having closeness is not being needy or being needy too much and so you have to begin to understand that and not shame and blame yourself for it and say there are some really great qualities about being independent and a risk taker and autonomous or whatever it is that deactivation does for you but where where does it actually make you think you're close to someone because you're like parallel in your lives or together but you're not really leaning in in that way and oftentimes our partners will tell us this hey you know you're not really present or you have this like very clear boundary between us what's that about or why can't you do this with me or whatever it is and lastly to learn to make yourself uncomfortable and vulnerable and to learn to ask for help where can you do that because one of the most vulnerable things we can do when we've learned to deactivate is admit that we actually kind of love deactivating sometimes but that at a point if we're not numbing distracting and binge watching removing ourselves psychologically in some ways there's actually a lot of pain a lot of pain I was listening to that thing I was talking about in the beginning and uh the podcast I was listening to on the uh to the doctor's appointment this morning just thinking about what a great dilemma it is for us to admit that so much of the time I think is really true for the avoiding people because we have a hard time connecting to it that we are caring so much pain so much pain and that the idea of even letting ourselves feel it is it feels like too much and people and connection can force us to feel what we longed for or always wanted or never had but it is truly like there's a balance between you can't you're never going to wake up and give up and never have this avoidant Dynamic and I would argue that it's also helped you survive but where can you challenge yourself just a little bit more to let yourself feel it to let yourself live it and let yourself think about it and then try to find little tiny ways like I mentioned today to let activation and need and want and longing and a little more vulnerability into your life as long as it doesn't interfere with your binge watching Jenny Jenny and Georgia I always say Georgia and Jenny I'd like to do a whole video on a series on that show because there's so many things in that show by the way um that are what I talk about on this channel in terms of preventification and investment things like that so anyway thanks for being here please stay safe and well and I'll see you soon say bye Coco can you say bye [Music] can you foreign [Music]

Channel: DR. KIM SAGE, LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST

Views: 23,996

Keywords: avoidant attachment style, avoidant attachment, avoidant, avoidant partner, attachment, attachment styles, anxious and avoidant relationship, anxious avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment style, disorganized attachment, disorganized fearful avoidant attachment style, how to heal attachment issues, how to heal attachment style, attachment trauma healing, dr kim sage, dr kim sage avoidant, dismissive avoidant attachment, dismissive avoidant

Id: gxJXCOFIpaI

Length: 12min 19sec (739 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 14 2023