MONTESSORI AT HOME: Responding to Toddler Tantrums

hi my name is ashley and i'm a mom of two little girls i have a five-year-old named kylie and i also have a three-year-old named mia so for today's video i have something short and sweet but what i believe will be super useful for you as a parent especially if you are a parent of a toddler in the montessori parenting approach we use positive discipline with our children which means that we're not using timeouts or spanking or threats or any kind of punishments but we're also not using bribes and rewards either in order to manipulate our children's behavior instead of using fear and shame to make a child obey us operating on the principle that a child should obey an adult simply because they're a child and we're the adult instead we really err on the side of mutual respect and trying to find ways to gain our child's cooperation we are on the same team so even though you might be completely on board with these ideas already you might still find yourself stuck at times when it comes to responding to things like your toddler's tantrums for example you might find yourself thinking well what do i do now what do i say how do i use positive discipline for something like this so from one busy parent to another today i would like to share with you a really simple process that is gentle it's respectful but it's also really effective when it comes to responding to your toddler's tantrums so for this video i'm going to assume that you at least have a baseline level of understanding of positive discipline some of the general strategies how and why it works because honestly i could get into a lot as i'm going through the process with you guys in this video today and i just want to get down to the nitty gritty and give you guys what you are here for so if you do not have familiarity with positive discipline yet then i would encourage you to actually stop this video and then go down to the description box i have put a link in there to the original positive discipline video that i created that is really good as an introduction go watch that and then come back here and watch this one because it'll answer a lot of the what ifs and why questions that might otherwise pop into your brain as you're watching so with that said let's get on to the process so first things first you have to remember that toddlers are creatures of habit they thrive on consistency predictability regular routines basically knowing what is going to happen each and every day and although they can have tantrums for all manner of reasons typically you will find that when a toddler doesn't get their way or if something has changed in their routine that they weren't expecting a tantrum will follow but what you also have to remember is that this is completely developmentally appropriate behavior for a toddler now that doesn't lessen the fact that the tantrum the screaming the crying the body flailing and arms all over the place it doesn't lessen the fact that it kind of makes your head want to explode a little bit in the moment but you have to remember that it is normal okay it's not your child being bad it's not them trying to get under your skin on purpose or trying to manipulate you in any way because let's face it toddlers their brains are not quite developed enough to even get to that level of thinking quite yet it is just literally their natural response to a situation in which they feel overwhelmed so hopefully knowing that will help you with step one of the process which is to take a breath and calm yourself first now for a fortunate few parents out there this step may actually come pretty naturally to you and it's not really something that you even have to think about but for a vast majority of parents this is actually the hardest step is to remember to calm yourself and if you need some extra ideas and tips on exactly how to do that maybe some new strategies to try that you haven't really thought of i have an entire video dedicated to how to stay calm as a parent which i will link in the description box down below and i would highly suggest that you watch that one as well but for now let's assume that you have taken a nice big deep cleansing breath you feel calm and ready to face your toddler's tantrum head on with as much love and respect as possible your next step number two is going to be get down to their eye level quite literally you're going to drop down to one or both knees so that you can make direct eye contact with your toddler at their level and the reasons for that are twofold one you really want to use this moment to try to establish a connection that loving connection that you have with your child that feels supportive so that it feels like you're on their team and you're not against them and the other reason being that when your child is in the middle of a tantrum their brain is in fight-or-flight mode so anything in the environment that could be perceived as a threat for example you standing there hulking over them possibly with this menacing look on your face if you're not quite calm yet that could be perceived as a threat to them and it's only going to intensify the behavior so getting down to their eye level is a really easy solution to kind of mitigate some of these problems that you might encounter right off the bat and it also helps you to kind of get into the right mind frame too because like i said being down at their level establishes this feeling of connection between the two of you it's an easy way to use your body language to say hey we're on the same team here okay so you've taken a deep breath you've calmed yourself down you've dropped down to your child's eye level now you're ready to move on to the next step of the process which is to validate your child's emotions and experiences and you're going to do this verbally by reflecting what you see and hear them telling you so here are a few examples for you let's say that your toddler is having a tantrum because it's time to begin the bedtime routine and they don't want to stop playing you could say something like i see that you're having so much fun playing with your trains right now it's really hard to stop playing you're so mad that you have to stop and take a bath it's okay to feel mad or let's say that you've been playing at the park all morning with your toddler and it's finally time to pack up and go home for lunch your toddler goes into full-blown meltdown mode over this you could say something like it's so hard to leave the park when you're having so much fun you're really sad about that and it's okay to feel sad or let's say that it's about 15 minutes out from dinner time and your toddler is now having a tantrum because they've asked you for a snack you could say something like i hear that you really want a snack right now you're upset that you have to wait it's okay to feel upset by reflecting to your toddler what you see and hear them telling you that lets them know that you understand their perspective you're on their side even if you don't necessarily agree with what they're upset about you're at least letting them know you understand how they feel and then by accepting their emotions telling them it's okay to feel that way you're giving them permission to own their feelings you're letting them know that all feelings are okay in your family even if they're not necessarily the nice feelings all feelings are just feelings and it's okay to have them and that's kind of like the motto for positive discipline anyway is that all emotions are acceptable but not all behavior is and that is where the next step comes in that is to kindly and firmly set your limit they have to know that you are going to follow through on the things that you're telling them that you are their strong confident but loving leader so when you tell your child that it's time to take a bath or it's time to leave the park or they have to wait for 15 minutes until dinner time and they're not allowed to have a snack they have to know that no matter how much whining and crying and arm flailing they engage in that you are going to hold firm on that boundary they may not like it in the moment and they may very loudly express their discontent with you on that point but at the end of the day toddlers thrive on feeling safe and secure and that is the way that you're going to provide that for them so what that might actually sound like setting those limits in these three examples would be for the bathtime tantrum it's okay to feel sad or frustrated or whatever word you use and it's time for bath now or in the park example and it's time for us to leave now or in the snack request right before dinner time example it might sound like it's okay to feel upset you're going to get to eat in just a few minutes when we have dinner and then from here you're going to move right on into the last step of the process which is to offer them a choice or give them something fun and exciting to look forward to so for example with bath time you might say and it's time for a bath now do you want to play with your rubber duckies or do you want to play with your cars in the bathtub or if you're feeling especially playful you might say do you want me to fly you like an airplane to the bathroom or do you want to hop there like frogs or in the park example it might sound like it's time for us to leave now do you want to walk to the car by yourself or do you want me to carry you or what should we have for our fruit with lunch today do you want strawberries or grapes or in the snack request right before dinnertime example you might ask them something like what do you think you want to have to drink with your dinner tonight are you going to have milk or juice or you might say do you want to help me set the table because giving them something to do really helps to make them feel empowered especially in a moment when they're feeling very disempowered now something i want to point out here is that we're not giving them a choice or something to look forward to as a means of distraction we're not trying to distract them from their feelings because that's disrespectful and that's communicating that their feelings are not okay which is not what we're about instead what we're actually doing is giving them a coping mechanism a skill that they can use going forward think about it as adults when we know that there is a task coming up or something that we have to get through that is particularly unpleasant oftentimes it really helps us to kind of keep our eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel it gives us something to look forward to to help us get through this short unpleasant bit of time and that's what we're doing with our toddlers and so as they grow older they can start using this skill for themselves and to kind of find the silver lining in the unpleasant things that sometimes they're going to have to go through in life so that is the process of responding to your toddler's tantrums in a nutshell and i will tell you from personal experience i've been doing it with my girls for years now it is effective it does work as long as you are consistent with it now i will add one thing because i know there are some people out there who are thinking themselves okay well this is all well and good but what happens when i get all the way through the process and my child is still crying they're still having a tantrum it doesn't really seem to be working in the moment and when that happens because it will happen from time to time because our toddlers have such strong emotions it's all you can do to just hold space for their feelings and to be there to lovingly support them through it remember emotions are a roller coaster they will go up but they will also come down so you just have to give them the time and the space that they need to get through that process and to know that you're going to be there to support them through it now if there's something that needs to happen during this tantrum for example you're trying to leave the park and your child is having a tantrum they don't want to go to the car you've done all the things and it's just not working it's okay to very gently use your hands again gently as the operative word to get them into the car to buckle them into the car seat to as gently as possible pick them up and carry them to the bathroom and get that bath time routine started and all the while you know they may be resisting you and expressing their discontent and maybe crying through it you're just gently accepting and acknowledging the feelings that they're having i hear you i know this is really hard for you right now you're just you're there to lovingly offer your support but you're also gently helping them get through the process because at the end of the day it needs to be done all right friends so that is all i've got for you today if you are interested in learning more about montessori at home or positive disciplined parenting then be sure to check out my new book called the montessori home create a space for your child to thrive i also have several e-courses and an online community just for montessori parents and if you're looking for one-on-one support i also offer live video consultations so i will put links to all of those resources in the description box down below for you to check out if you're new to my channel then definitely be sure to check out my entire montessori at home video playlist which is aimed at providing practical tips and advice for busy parents like you and i for implementing montessori at home with our children so if that sounds like something that you're interested in watching more of then you might consider subscribing to my channel this way you don't miss a new video thanks so much for watching and i'll see you next time bye

Channel: Hapa Family

Views: 88,467

Keywords: dealing with toddler temper tantrums, responding to tantrums, responding to tantrums with empathy instead of anger, responding to toddler tantrums, dealing with toddler tantrums, dealing with toddler tantrums in public, dealing with toddler tantrums and hitting, toddler tantrums, montessori, montessori at home, montessori toddler, montessori parenting, montessori teaching method

Id: 68nreR5DFQ0

Length: 12min 17sec (737 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 14 2022