Meanspiration #29 Duncan Trussell // Cancel Ts

all right hello in san e's standees what is that what else would come we bleep on this so I say curse spurs and lady bleeps ah bleep because you're afraid of violating some YouTube's policy yeah and getting I mean it's the idea I like the idea of like someone trying to cancel me but I'm like but it's believed is that right which makes it even worse let me slide it's an employee who said anything I could say any they don't know I'm saying idea is up they don't know that my name for them is why don't you just say bleep instead and Savior my beliefs well I like the Anthony I liked when Anthony works he showed my tits online I got to stop bringing this up every podcast your Anthony listen Anthony spread my titties you put her boobs online I don't say you don't say Ted nope bleep he just said tits yeah bleep that out please don't say why it's a long story it's an offense you know to me the term tits is like it represents you're so full of generations do too far from the leg now away from the mic sorry pull it up hello I just know that I've knocked this over tits hello I said about three dollars what's a microphone I don't listen hello I don't think you shouldn't say tits is not offensive tits us to the point and I got little boobs so it's like tits I don't know maybe you can say it I just don't say it I wouldn't say it if I were you I'm sure the people watching or like yeah he's right don't say we should go with a better word to get been like a very regular word no tits trust me it's coming oh my god do you think so oh yeah but the tit hammer is gonna say and trust me they're gonna get you a knee I have a gavel somewhere I have all these would you want no weapon no no I'm cool that's a nice assortment of weapons you got some kind of puppet plus my races it's a raise you've got a racist puppet you got weapons oh my god you've got tip boobs yeah I got to well you said tits and you said it very naturally no we'll look at me what do you call girls bottom privates I don't I don't talk about genitalia anymore another your father now that I'm a father I'll talk about it before I didn't wait did your parents teach you about genitals when you're a little or though would they give you like the lesson oh yeah my mom was a psychologist so I think I got over lessoned about genitals like I was getting like book after book on like big season like yet I didn't really care weirded me out at the time yeah but yeah I got the whole lesson no one tried it's crazy that kids that there are parents who don't teach there they grow up thinking they got a cookie between their legs yeah well you're like why isn't everyone to eat it why this is why my teacher is eating it yeah yeah my wife is like you don't don't do that like if you're gonna if you're gonna talk about genitals with the kid you say penis don't make up a penis is about I think vagina is a very uh I don't know something about a V word but it does kind of it's it's true to the shape something about like telling a kid like it's a pee pee yeah good kid it's like I'm not saying like spin all day long talking about genitals with your kids but if you take a bath with your kid and you've got a dick and your kid has a dick they're gonna like pointing at ya you don't want them to think it's a rubber ducky right yeah but then also you don't to come up with some like weird John Wayne Gacy word for it that's gonna like follow them through their rest their lives and then they're they're not gonna know why they have some weird like you know when they hear the word cookie they feel weird or something bunny I heard two Bonnie bunny and cookie it's like these cute sweet little things it's like they're to be played with and to be eaten and that's not yeah teaching her children yeah this is Duncan Trussell Bella aren't ia pediatrician the North Hollywood Pediatrics Institute I'm here to talk about the new mandatory vaccine laws that were passed yeah yes I did you vaccinate your kid of course yeah yeah I just feel like we should all just what do you mean not talk about vaccines listen vaccinate your kids but where you wanna get my bags oh no my I have a best friend whose kid is not back soon that's weird it is weird yeah it's day yeah every time she's sick I'm like what do you got oh I know what is it this is this the common cold or a very uncommon cold I know you go to a kid's great you ever go to like a ancient graveyard for kids like I don't like the eighteen hundred's kids graveyard you ever go those like in the Georgia it honestly sounds like a great afternoon now you bring your snacks you pack up a little picnic we've got to go yeah yeah see that cuz they would write how they died on the grave and it was all like Tie Fighters yeah it's all this we get vaccinated for now you know rubella just weird things you never heard of before the Fitz stuff like that but regardless that any money's against vaccines you just go to an 1800s kids I know their kiddos yeah I have I used to work with kids that were autistic I would like shadowed some behavioral therapists and almost all of the parents were like it's vaccines Wow they get it but maybe it is there like this one parent was like I took my son and he was normal I took my son out he was never normal again so maybe it triggers something I don't know you know for me the way I look at it is I get on a plane and I let it take me far up in this guy from one come out autistic yeah you almost can't make eye contact or bathe yourself very well no I just touched I have to trust the plane yeah you know and and I have to trust that the plane is gonna be mechanically sound and all the various regulations of place are gonna get me from point A to point B and I know sometimes planes crash whether or not the regulations work but I it's a it's a risk that I take so knowing that I am a scientist yeah and knowing that I have zero understanding of how vaccines work how the human immune system works that I'm gonna lean into the what hundred thousand be reviewed study of vaccines and just go with that because the slippery slope is the moment you're like well the vaccine thing it does this then from there you have to start doing that with almost everything and the next thing you know you're a flat earther like that's where it leads to you think the earth is round you're telling me I'm telling you that I think it I mean I I can't say I've seen it you know I can't say I've been into space but I do think the earth is don't you think flat earthers are just trying to like get a little jab on you though no you think they really really really really really think it yeah yeah that's right I think it's like I think I think what happens is modern society is so crushingly existentially horrific for people sometimes the the vice-grip of being locked into a system where you have to be working all the time to make money to get food to the point where you're never around your family you never get to see people that you love and you basically feel like a robot becomes so awful to realize that that's actually what many people are in for their entire lives that is some kind of dark escape you start fantasizing that actually well everything's not true that they're telling you that yeah it's just like a one moment of dishonesty and then that you can say that everything else is not true as well that's right it's easier you know it's like Sandy Hook for example people think that that was some kind of government operation to try to get rid of gun but it's for that it's scarier to imagine what actually happened which is that someone blue is whew yeah it's less controlled yeah that's scary but if you think it's like the reptilian to the government you can kind of relax a little bit because at least there's like in D&D terms lawful evil happening versus chaotic evil are you a dandy I used to play when I was a kid a wizard I think I played a paladin I don't know what that is it's like a warrior like a crusader I can see it oh yeah now your crusading through the stages in stages you're trying to bring people to Christ I was watching one of your satanic videos I told you this oh yeah it's so funny well you're just funny that like because I you know a lot of times I wake up in the morning and I'm not constantly thinking about like existential shared and death and all that I'm trying to be cool with it but I wake up and like I just wanna get worked and I'm like what should I do and I do just like creating content yeah well I appreciate as a content creator I appreciate this one video I saw it's just was so fun and you were conjuring a demon and you know I get connected to those videos quite a bit it's not now not yeah it's a weird thing and that being said they are quite brilliant I've said very brilliant um um yeah well you know to me is it your doll that's connected you what do you think you have a doll you know someone actually did an expose video and they libeled me by saying that I had some connection to the NASA gym videos that you're talking about but they spent a lot of time on there you ever watched psychic TV no they're great they're like any kind of to me there's like the type of art that I love is the kind either that's just like riveting like a good movie or something like there will be blood or when you watch it and you get this real eerie feeling of like what the if they done yeah you don't even know why and like psychic TV is an example of that what is like exhibit psychic TV was I guess you could call it like a kind of art collective there was this brilliant human named Genesis P org involved with it and you can check her out she teaches magic one of my friends I have on the podcast all the time studied with her and she was in the band throbbing gristle but it good name yeah it's a good name but they the videos that they made really like grabbed this eerie wobbly vibe and I love that David Lynch hangs out there alive you know this place that sort of picks up I don't know this liminal region in between well not to bring up psychedelics but bringing them up I feel like every time I do mushrooms or I do ayahuasca or anything when I'm like DMT even this lesson that I get is that there's that life is equally as disgusting as it is beautiful like groped at like uncomfortably grotesque and like absolutely like like you could be crying it's so beautiful yeah I think the eeriness is like teetering on that yeah the creepiness of like being here right yeah that kind of joke that's disgusting since if maybe not quite belonging here and then also the sense that you get that there's oh yeah there's definitely like angelic forces and demonic forces all around us at all times but we can't see them and then when that gets wrapped up in the art in a way that has the intention of not freaking people out but sort of illuminating the fact that this isn't all there is yeah did I mean that's a really beautiful thing you know that I think is why people love Flat Earth theory because we don't want to think we know we have a general sense oh we came full circle like the earth without one thank you for coming back around I mean I guess the earth could be flat around though like you can go around they could be both yeah yeah I mean it could be circular not yeah not a sphere the argument is it's a sphere you know it could be half a sphere it has to be there's mountains and stuff like a flat earther is more like a half Arthur I think oh that we're sliced in half I would say so right because certainly have elevation like you can't argue with that it's just sort of I think the idea is the bottom of its flat I guess I don't know I don't either I have no clue there's a lot of things I don't know I would say most things I don't know like what um I don't know I know a little bit of math I don't know much about science I don't know much about I like to learn though it feels good to learn but I don't retain a lot of information I think my brain doesn't want to know certain things yeah it's not weird that's a weird thing isn't it like there if you there's a little force field that some that I put between me and just a huge swath of things that I would rather not get into it it's this book called cosmic trigger by Robert Anton Wilson mm-hmm very good and I have the second volume of it and you're not ready I'm like yeah because I know if I start reading it it like it changes you permanently so I'm kind of scared but I like that feeling what how did it change the first one changing well he has got this amazing ability to bring together a lot of various threads of philosophy that I love and so the way that he did that was so subtle but brilliant so it changed me because it sort of forced me to for one reconfigure my idea about the Illuminati which is like what the book is kind of about which I love that topic and I up until reading that book I think I had sort of conjured up a idea of there being this cobble of evil satanic people who are trying to destroy the planet and then after I read the book he puts a spin on it where maybe they're not so bad or maybe there's a natural thing that happens in human societies where certain groups sequester themselves intentionally away from the mainstream not because they're trying to like hurt people because they understand that in a sort of contained area things can evolve in ways maybe they can't when it's all getting mixed together and what's called default reality he came up with the term reality tunnels it's like the idea is that everyone's in their own reality tunnel it's like the sum total you know what I mean and so mainstream society you could say is in default reality one reality tunnel oh they're all the same one okay so we're all agreeing that certain things are well it's like a main highway like the main highway is oh we live in a democracy and you know the elect the electoral college it works in the elections work and you know it's not perfect but for sure it's like the government is a representation of the people even though some politicians aren't great and we should trust the federal government and you know certain drugs are bad if they say they're bad and certain drugs are good if they say they're just trusting and listening trust that they're listening yeah and also this is popular we're told what it was much easier for this to happen prior to the internet evolving as fast as I have because you could for example you just had a certain I don't remember I would listen to the top 100 or whatever with Casey Kasem Casey Kasem over there of Kasich yeah yeah that was it that was your access the housing and then I would come up to you and be like hey you ever listen to Daniel Johnston you're like who the [ __ ] that and then they play this weird and that was called alternative media because it was an alternative to the rabo de lis but now everything is that well do you remember like I remember being it being so cool when you would find a new thing like I remember it was you was it must have been like 2001 or something but the British office had not come over to this and there was no like the internet wasn't in a place where you could really like find content and stuff so I my friend's boyfriend at University of Michigan had burned the British office and I remember getting and being like I had this gold comedy like nobody knows about this being like holy and I would just bring people over and show it to them and it was cool to have that and now everything exists exactly it's like so and I always think about it cuz remember blockbuster you would go you would figure out what you were gonna want you'd see everything and make your decision I was spent hours there and now it's just like it takes forever for me to pick something to watch yep there's too much exactly there's too much there's too many options but I have to trust that we're evolving in a direction that's the way we're supposed to evolve so I feel like that why because it's where we're going what am I gonna resist it well I mean no you can't I guess you can't resist it I can't I don't wanna be like I just remember adults when I was a kid being like thinking their day was better than my day do you know I mean they were like back in my day I don't wanna be a back in my day I would be like I'm in this day right and so this is like I just have to figure out a better way to sifter all these things but I do feel overwhelmed all the time you do I wake up at them I'm like whoo I want to get to do something what am I supposed to do I need like a plan you mean like you feel like you're missing a general direction I think I know what my direction is I think I know that I like to do comedy and make things and stuff like that but I think that I like do you remember when we talked like years ago about the hundred a challenge yeah okay so the hundred a challenge was what was I don't really guy's name I can remember his name but it was like some sort of like like productivity yeah you did the whole hundred days no hell no dude I bought it twice and I never did I bet he bugs on it yeah and then it just laid on my chest and I was like worried about it yeah I was like and it's just funny because I was thinking but I was watching something where someone was saying about like that's what they think PTSD is it's where you your brain is so controlling of everything that you can't I'm sure how much it will explaining what I mean it's to cure to like trying to control things I think I'm a control freak so I'm trying to control I have this outcome that I'm attached to and then so I wake up and then I freak myself out trying to get to a place when I could probably just get some work done just like like owe money it's more than right the finish-line thing hmm yeah yeah that's it's so easy like people with PTSD one of the symptoms is they're always in our array and but they're like really running away from something like they're saying they're in a hurry but it's like rushing away from some essentially like the general state of consciousness of trauma it's quite painful if you stay still you feel it yeah I think I've dealt I think I've gotten through a lot of mine and I feel a lot better and I have an awareness now so that's cool but I definitely had weird stages where I was like freaked out a lot yeah and it was so much stress and now I'm just learning to like live with no stress well not no stress that's great stress that's so cool very cool yeah and it's pretty cool it's cool he's got a knife not worried but even with this podcast I'm always like I should get segments I got to figure out things and some that I never do it yeah and I'm like I do think I could there's a benefit to having segments right you're asking me right what do you mean everyone's like you should have segments like a weather report or something I don't know it's like yeah we're tuning into the traffic I don't know it just that is not I do not think in segments and told you segments I don't know Anthony some people work in podcasting and you know what I realize as I'm saying this people that work in progress I am NOT talking about Anthony Anthony's just a boy but people that work in podcasting their job doesn't isn't real they have a job that they're trying to create and forge like they have of these different like podcasts networks right and you have people who are getting salary jobs at these podcasts networks right so they have to like make sense of what their job is so then they go you need segments do not I mean that's all I think I'm saying this they're going right no you need segments on it do I need segments or are you trying to have a job mmm that's what I'm saying crazy like how easy it is not trust yourself all you need is one person to tell you some weird and then for the rest of your life you'll be faking it maybe I should do that like it's really odd I know you mean they don't mean to hurt either just have their own ideas yeah but the worst thing is when someone like that has a lot of confidence and then comes raining down on me with all kinds of ideas and then if you don't have confidence you're gonna get sucked into that magnetic field and the next thing you know you're not listening to your instincts and then the next thing you know you're just doing their you become like a sock puppet yeah I'm a host of someone else's show when it's just my show that I just decided to do yes and they're hypnotizing you yeah you know that's like a form of hypnosis you have to be very careful because and again I don't think people do this usually they don't do it nefariously they do it because they want to help them if you're not careful to want to help people will hypnotize you yeah and then suddenly you're hypnotized by not just one but like five or six different people and then you realize you're not doing anything original yeah you're just doing what their approximation of what makes money is and then oh who needs you anymore yeah don't get a job in real estate or like start figuring how to do that is the end huh real estate whatever I'm saying if like the end goal is like making toys no then I would say that art in general is probably one of the most risky investments you could make if you're making art because you want to get loaded and and that I don't think is what you're doing but people who are in any industry around any particular art form they are they need money because that the whole job is getting money for art art dealers agents for artists you know but the whole point is like imagine if like Pablo Picasso listen to his dealer know his art dealer he's probably listened is absolutely like selling it and they were like listen make it more even yeah it's a little off kilter people aren't going to understand what this is Pablo what is that are you is that a face you've got to like make that do you know what it reminds me of no in uh in comedy how for some reason the industry or the people that want to put people on TV or make shows or whatever they hate crowd work they hate crowd work yeah they I've heard this so many times like you have to have like they need to have a control over like we know this this this this is gonna happen and then how often is comedy good on TV stand-up it is so rarely good on TV cuz you're not capturing the moment and they're like essence of it in the room and I always think about that with like a Rick Ingram where it's like he's like this crowd work guy and then he has very little like commercial success because they don't they can't take a risk on that because they're right you know what fall it's a translation issue isn't it it's like you're having to translate one specific art form which is like live yeah and a film yeah I mean look at Jesus Christ Superstar leymah sera Benny time they make any musical into a movie it's weird yeah that's totally one stage it's a mass was great though the movie night apparently so bad it's yeah it'd be like you go in there and get paranoid it's so bad yeah it's so bad at people are like walking out like mildly schizophrenic from it like it breaks your brain and then I felt I didn't really watch the Oscars but I saw one moment where what's-her-name rebel Wilson and someone else came out in the cat outfits and it's like didn't that movie bomb don't we want to just like put this to sleep no you don't want to put it to sleep you've got to like show your allegiance to it imagine you wrote but that's got to be a situation where it's like there's not much art in that right like there was art originally when they made cats I never saw cats I kind of wanted to see it as a kid I never learned it felt like a thing where I was like I didn't get and then I had an age was like I'm so glad he never got that I really I'm glad I don't have to sit through that because I went to my first play my dad took me to see lame is Arab and uh New York and it was fun rules like I've been Philly so we had this whole trip and I just have such a TD so we were why and I was like this is like okay I don't when people start singing and stuff I'm like no I don't want this and we were there and you know it's like you know it's called a musical so I know but I'm like I don't know I'm innocent in 12 or 13 and we're sitting there and I was like okay okay and my whole time I'm going like you can do this like you can get in oh my god and I'm like trying to like fit into the people that like this you know and I'm like okay three hours wait the intermission comes like I did it and my dad goes oh no we have to come back in I was like dad I I don't know if we went back I was like I can't well I cannot do it wow it's so it was so hard for me and then we went to my dad and I always go to the movies together he used to pick me up from school and we would go see like whatever critically acclaimed movie is was playing which led to us seeing record for a dream together alone in a theatre there was no one else there oh just the ask ask your dad just me and my dad it we would go after school cuz no one would be there and we didn't read on but that way your PTSD is from that was a holy no my dad didn't molest me it's not nice well I mean thanks dad thank you but the no I fell molester active taking it yeah that's a how old are you 16 oh yeah you're a pro it makes sense we went we I remember we left we had to go we like separated to the bathroom and I was like I said it was like let's like look in the mirror splash some water on her faces and like give ten reasons why we're like glad to be alive there you go that's what I think his intent must have been did he know what it was about no we didn't know it was like and then we're just like he was like I just kept looking forward and just hoping you weren't looking he's like I just was like I'll look straight forward and hope she's not looking we kept touching hands to to eat the popcorn it was quite romantic actually hello popcorn throw man no but we yeah my dad so we went so lame it but we we went to see Dreamgirls which ones that that was with like was Beyonce in it am I being racist she wasn't it it was you don't know though was Beyonce and Beyonce's in it Jennifer Hudson was in it dream girls dream girls it was like it was like about I don't remember I blacked it out it was really note that was not racist it's like a maurices like saying you know the mention it's like you're like about like like the Tina Turner era of music or whatever so but I didn't know it was gonna use achill so I just go and thinking to this movie everyone I'm sitting there with my dad and they start just singing in the middle cuz it's one of those musicals where it's like just saying it happens during the day sure and I'm Jamie Foxx's I'm just sitting there I look at my daddy go you [ __ ] I was so mad I cannot it's so upsetting to me to see music he loves musicals he does dad ha take don't say tits though no don't say musicals are the tits would you say tits like that no it's because it triggers don't say it you suck please can we borrow those out please take G hard don't don't I'm so sorry I'm upset yeah well listen I'm right now I'm still my mind is still stuck in the horror of sitting in an empty movie theater with your father watching requiem for a dream you know when you can feel when you're when you're swallow becomes like a thing yeah well I was swallowing like it could have been like a knob it was like oh I was SWAT like like it was like you could feel and you're just like like you're blinking like you just don't know what to do go we didn't know well but you would look like oh we did the whole thing was that we would see whatever was critically acclaimed and we wouldn't read the reviews we just uh that is so mad it was real and the movie itself is just happy you don't really want to even be in a theater watching it you want to be like well maybe you shouldn't be alone honestly watching that movie it's a dark movie that movie just as a sledgehammer so upset it's upsetting it's very upset I'll just put the empty theater you know I want to see the Joker with my wife the Joker yeah and it was spooky yeah cuz people kept coming in the theater wearing backpacks you know yeah and it was just like man I don't know I just felt weird like why it almost feels like that was a part of the experience they're like we want to make this really creepy for you so yes sending cells we're gonna send him backpack clad in cells to sit around use I had one show that I did in Texas years ago I was headlining and there was this weird guy dressed in all white this older guy and he had a backpack and I was like get him the out of here like I just had never had that feeling where I was like I am unsafe you know why did he have a backpack why the do you back what's he bringing to it and then he just went to the bathroom he left and it was like any any adult in the backpack that isn't it a gym especially at a theater it's like what are you got in there what's what do you got what do you need for the movie that's in your backpack you didn't need to bring that and you could have left in your car wear a fanny pack fanny packs are in yeah but you know your mind starts like trying to think well what would it be what would be in the back like if I'm gonna wear a backpack to a movie what the am I gonna put in there that's kind of do you like being scared though yeah so it's kind of exciting when like in situations where you're looking at the exits you know I mean you know what my enjoyment of potentially being killed killed has diminished since I had a kid yes Kizzy there's someone depending on ya not getting killed whereas before you're like well you know probably landed in Forensic Files yeah I think it's gonna make an interesting story but when you have a kid all that goes away you don't get to enjoy the life in the way that you do is you know pre child because you're like well when you when you don't have a kid and you hear about talking to the earth now yes it's how you're Heather I'm tethered to the earth so it's which I needed but it I can't enjoy that feeling of like am I good am I about to get my face blown off by some weirdo decided to go to the Joker movie well that's such a bummer way to go to just like really your face born off well I guess if you were it's just happening and that fear is probably very exciting that last moment yeah I bet I mean I like I mean it could have already happened to us do you ever get into that yeah mode of thinking I think sometimes I'm like I'm being written by someone I'm a story someone's right Oh sometimes things happen where my dude someone's writing this how does I have had so many weird connections throughout my life that are like is this a goddamn movie it's crazy and then when I think about that I'm like if this is my movie I want to have like as much control over the movie as I can not in the sense of like I can control my outside but I can control I want to have control over my character in it I see so that's right like I got in this I I tried very hard a couple years ago made a decision to not have road rage there's like no road rage everyone's annoyed in traffic just don't be don't be a sheep so but the other day I got really mad and trap like at this guy and I was looking for a parking spot yeah he was behind me beeping and it's like you know I'm getting a parking spot [ __ ] like yes see what I'm doing right like just live your life away from me they beeped again and I was like that's it so that I kept putting on my brakes and I look in the mirror he's laughing at me oh I will punch your face if you laugh at me like wow like you know what it is it's true it's triggering because it reminds me of duck huh you couldn't yeah it's that kind of like oh you're just like yeah you're laughing at me and uh that's just gonna be the end of it like the end of your story and this is that you laughed at me like ja I'd rather be like arrested for striking you but not really I work on my anger but aside that's like what's bubbling like your life is I'm so mad at this guy's yeah laughing you're laughing in my face he represents everything yes your life is that guy's everything that went wrong so I slam on the brake yeah I'm in an intersection yeah ridiculous okay then people start going in front of me cuz I've slammed the brakes on and then he's laughing harder and then I'm really like I'm just this is like I just gave him my movie I just became a character in this movie all of a sudden the credits are like it's the students and I'm just like I just let his whole thing take me over that's cool so now I'm back into my movie there's a okay so in those situations there's a thought experiment you can do which I love and there's different versions of it the one that one of them the first one I ever heard is well you should see everybody is God like every single person is actually got it that's what my religion is see everyone was quicker the gods an inner light that's in everyone okay mm-hmm Ramdas says we're all God and drag mhm and so that's awesome yeah it's cool and then but that version of it implies a kind of amnesiac state like you know if we are God and drag then the costume that we're wearing is so incredible that it is for most of us wiped out the realization that we're God and mostly we just think we're at the costume it's cool it implies the sort of forgetfulness and some people say well that's on purpose so that we could really learn here you can't really learn in this place if you have the you know your God yeah it kind of messes up it's like the ultimate cheat code on the video game but the other version that I've been playing around with is so fun which is imagine well before I say it if you ever heard of the term pro noia so it's the opposite of paranoia meaning instead of thinking everyone's out to get you everyone's for you yeah I like that Prannoy yeah it's cool because it is always a lesson right like I learned a lot I like got like joy out of it later when I was thinking about it I was like that's so funny I did that and it's so and then I thought that that movie thing and then that's like a fun imagery for me now that I keep thinking where I'm like it keeps shifting like I'm like why am I like that I that even real or doesn't like I'm letting him like a mother's power or did I just literally create this person to have this moment or whatever yeah like that person's literally and manifestation of a groovy series laughing it was joy he wasn't like he was having like a funny like he was like just like oh you silly a little like you see a kid getting mad like he was like just laughing it yeah it hasn't even like I got mad it's always on the way to meditation class to I've really were on your way to meditation how do % and this happened to me another time where I got like Matt I would like beeped at a and the guy stopped and he goes he goes he's like he starts fighting is what's your problem or whatever and his wife just goes you're fine to me like you're fine oh like we're gonna go you're fine whoa and I was like okay [ __ ] and then I went in like I hope they're not my meditation class that always happens I'm like and then they're like in the class with me like wow they were in the class no they weren't but I'm like III don't memorize their faces coz the rage kind of keeps like yeah so you're having road rage I'm happy and I think because I keep it so I'm just having like and it was like I was PMSing it was all about something else and had nothing to do with someone beeping at me I'm trying to think of my life I have road rage sometimes it's so funny when it pops out hilarious especially when it's in the midst of trying to like do a spiritual thing but to me the funny thing about road rage is the crazy idea that you had that la traffic was gonna work for you hmm that's what's funny about this is my day my quest to get to this thing and and also that I that I just assumed this guy knows what I'm doing yeah you might have also how many times you just beep like a beep is not you I decide with her beep is angrier like I don't know whether I mean sometimes people are laying it on and they're making it easier for you to decide but he was it wasn't even really that bad of a beep he just beats like he could have just been like oh are you on your phone or whatever sure pay attention or well you know I gotta get somewhere but your ranges has nothing to do the traffic your rage is because yes I was mad I was very mad yeah you're mad yeah that's like and you're I'm mad but it's a normal thing because human existence is uncomfortable yeah and and your ego can I was watching an a curtal but have you watched his videos of him I've watched a few yes so cute yeah his physical being is he's so little he looks like Bobo Baggins yeah he's got these little eyes ok no he's a little gnome I'm gonna white and no of course this is what you do for a job look at what you look like like you're a god and drag and we know exactly what you were gonna dress like and so he was saying about anger he's like you ever go up to someone who's angry and go hey I have a cure for her anger like how mad that would be if you've even thought about cuz your ego likes to be mad cuz that's like a time for it to be there to be big and you know yeah yeah I've indicated her anger or whatever it's not well it feels good you know it's a steam valve you're releasing all this pressure that was building up you know and that you know someone you like does that it's like anything it's you know look at a rescue animal try to pet a rescue animal II freaked out they're not barking at you yeah they're barking at the ghost of the person that beat them you know and traumatize them and you know this is how do you know that wasn't there's a dog oh my god let me bleep all that that's funny good bleep that a pro okay Pro noia pronoia yeah that's great yes did you come up with that no that's so good yeah pronoia and so might like one of the things I love about the practice of magic is they call it as embarrassing as that sounds and as completely the gathering justified anyone is for making fun of that term is that it it invites you to intentionally induce a state of pronoia into your life so confirmation bias is a wonderful thing if you could control it so that ideal and by confirmation bias you mean like someone said something's gonna happen and then it happens you have that confirmation yes okay and I'm gonna create a confirmation bias in my life for good stuff happening yeah so and then maybe I'll do some like a spell on you right now you know some like basic like those eyes hoo-wah and so now I have intoned something that is going to produce a week of really good luck for you and all you have to do is just make sure that every time a synchronicity happens you acknowledge it and so now it's gonna start happening is you're gonna start seeing synchronicities right everywhere well like the they have the thing where it's like I read a meme online where it's like when you're thinking about yellow cards you see yellow cards everywhere yeah when you're thinking about new opportunities you see new opportunities and when you're thinking about like how shitty everything is just yeah that's right yeah I really I've gotten to so many negative spins and it's so funny but when I get depressed I will give myself a day I do like just a day because I like to get her out well I don't want to like I don't want to repress right I don't want to repress that's when you become well we've got to learn how to be solar panels for this I mean for example if I need to write I go to the gym because I don't want to workout and I know that so when I go to the gym I pull my notebook and I will write and all right I'm gonna try ever get on the treadmill what no I'll get on the truck it's not that long you know like but I know if I go to the gym my body doesn't want to workout and so it'll write and so I write at the gym so what I've done is essentially turned my procrastination into writing a lot butter you're looking good my buttons are popping Adam writing I'm sorry I gained so much man too but you know what's weird what you're not fair enough for me I am I I just got weight I went to the doctor I win I'm at a weight that's he's gotta go look I don't like to know the number cuz it why cuz the number puts a thing on me where I'm like I can walk around I do this to it like my makeup and stuff because makeup well is very fun I love makeup it's it's so fun to be able to do that right but makeup wears off tip throughout the day I don't have the energy for that so I just made this decision like whatever my makeup looks like when I leave yeah is how I have decided it that's all day and if it's messy it looks like that's on you guys you got to deal with the MU manager motions around that cuz I don't give a that's nice so if I have like a fake eyelash hanging up I literally don't care who cares exactly but it's like look I like the like says whatever so whatever I think I look like is the weight that I am right so I just used to be pause but I i I've struggled with like self-esteem throughout my life and I'm at this place in my life where I'm just doing good good for years so though I'm making the indulgent choices with food and stuff like that and I know that I'm gaining weight I have a number now it's like I you're fine you know I go I look cute at all these it's like you know are bad at all no I know you don't but it's like you know there's some clothes that aren't fitting alright yeah like you look see my did this is the this is one of the many differences I think between your age and your gender and my age of my gender which is at this point I'm less like good god man you look up you're all fat yeah now it's like I don't want to die I don't want to have a heart become diabetic you know so it's so for me there's more of like a the impulse behind it and what's great about having a kid is like the reason before before you might just think huh maybe I'll just melt into a big puddle of fat and just die alone now I'm like I need to be healthy for my kids so I have a little bit of that just cuz I mean I'm 36 so I'm like um getting to a place where it's like I was just you know no one's gonna come and I I lost that idea of like there's some sort of diet or there's some sort of thing but more of this natural like Oh what do I want to give my body what I want to have that stuff but this most recent weight gain is not I've just been eating all these really good foods for me and that's why it's been you know and I've been I had to stop smoking weed and I've been a strong weed because there's maybe you eat too much known well sure that's part of it but with weed I slow myself down it keeps me from feeling like fully expressed it keeps me I doubt myself I look back on things I've ruminating thoughts okay it just it's just not a good thing for me and the reason I want whatever is I'm addicted to it's not any sort of drugs or alcohol because I quit drinking eleven years ago but it's not that it's I like being like the idea of like oh something bad oh oh I could just do something bad right now it's like that's why cigarettes I go on because that was so much of my identity as a kid because I was a juvenile delinquent so it's like being bad like I did it I went to juvenile delinquent school they trained me i fee and I went in with it I went in not that bad I came out like psycho but but then I got back around everyone else like died or became verizon kiosk workers or whatever yeah there's a couple people that really soared but it was a lot of us or not did not do well but well what's that feel like being bad like something about like like nobody's telling me what to do or like and it's all in my own head well what what's the feeling the emotional component like when you're doing something particularly bad there's okay it's an adrenaline rush that I'm having right so it's like usually when I got off stage I'm like oh oh oh I just performed and I'm excited and now I did you think bad maybe it's a punishing myself because I'm feeling good so but is there like a you know what I'm saying is there like inside of you aside from the adrenaline what's the what's the it's exciting it's exciting what's the feeling component can you describe it's exciting well here's okay what color would the feeling be of bad yeah bright blue so it's bright blue and what is it would it be solid is it like a translucent I know it's like a bright like or it's like my favorite color like an opaque bright blue not okay like um it's like purplish blue there was this weird thing my best friend in high school her parents were antique dealers and there was this this light box it was like on a roll there are different colors and there was this box that was in and it was these two naked ladies and there and they were cutouts and then these lights would come through it was this weird thing that I don't know if it's ever existed anywhere else and there was one light that would come turn was this bluish purple and I was like obsessed with it and I think about that later okay so it's like that way yeah that light represents being bad to you mm-hmm but it's like yeah but it's not good why is it bad I don't know oh okay so my dad he'll know I mean why is the action bad I'm sorry to cut you off I know but I was gonna try to explain it through this thing like a dad always says cuz my dad will go you know his eating is this thing a little egg to eat sweets and like you know just you know buddy he'll go let's go to the grocery store and get something ba do you think let's go be bad like it's like that's sort of like whoo right we're gonna cut class or whatever my dad has that he gave like it's like both of us are like that like who or team fun or his team responsibility and we're like yeah so I'm always kind of like ah I'm like I do my homework that's bad yeah like yeah like that yeah that's cool but maybe a race that it's like good yeah yeah it's good but weed for me doesn't it does it just doesn't I'm not good at controlling the amount that I take and that I'm smoking so much so it's it's like in place of something a little isn't it we're like to me anything that I think of is bad that I do then I realize I'm getting off on the fact that like particularly like any addiction most addicts are addicted not just to the substance but it seems like mostly they're addicted to the ritual of procuring the substance yeah ingesting the substance the guilt following the coming down moment they love that yeah the whole thing is this hilariously offensively repulsive form of like Matt it's masturbatory yeah they're just jerking themselves off why I also have a problem that I really I indulge Allah I'm a very I overindulged yeah but my whole life has been like quitting like cold turkey quitting things then getting back on them then quitting on together and I kind of like it I mean I really do like I see this sort of pattern in my life and you know it varies in time length and stuff like that and how hard I get into things but it's fun I mean like with me for what like was drinking I will never drink again because I can't I would drink so much I would be like not there I don't like that I don't like to not be there I don't want to miss I feel like I'm Drive years younger than I am I miss like five years yeah life I feel like terrible and I never and I like to drink and drive it's my favorite yeah I just can't be can't drink I can hurt others with it yeah for sure alcohol is the worst of them all yeah arrabal even like physiologically heroines better yeah alcohol alcohol rancid mad but the to get back to this idea of bad versus good it's a really fun thing to think about because in my own assessment of that sort of taboo thing that you create in your own life like oh that's off limits this is okay you create this hilarious self-imposed bifurcation of your life and then you play this ridiculous game of like going into a room of a house that you made up yeah when you're in the room you're like I'm being bad if you get out of the room you're like what have I done oh my god why did I go back but there's no house there's no room there's just this mental game that you're playing yourself to produce a feeling of tension and release a feeling of relief and a feeling of redemption right how wonderful to redeem yourself how wonderful to suddenly be like you know what I've turned things around yeah look what I've done yeah here oh yeah and you're really you're just jerking your brain off you know you're trying to like have all these sort of either righteousness orgasms or these I guess orgasms of sin and suffering but the reality of the situation is that both of those things that you've invented are just a made-up thing that you're creating to escape from the general sense of suffering that comes from being a human that would be my guess if that's the real it does keep me busy right because I do think about you go I'm constantly thinking about like we're gonna die but I'm not like worried about it I'm chill about it I've worked a lot on that but mostly it never was about myself it's always been about my dad I've always like projected on to my dad yeah my dad's gonna die my dad's gonna die and then every time I do ayahuasca it's like I kill my dad and I just like get through it yeah and my dad is like like planning it like he's like I'm gonna die like everyone's gonna be okay I just wanna know everyone's gonna be returned like he's being so good and my mom they're both like they're going to like send like they're doing all these things about like growing old and my dad told me that they went to a seminar the other day and my mom was like I'm finally like realize that I will be able to have a life without my husband and then she's like you can die now and then I'm like in my head oh my god don't say that to him is he sick no he's just he's 78 he's turning 79 and he's just he's really nervous I had this like nightmare the other day that he wasn't well and it was because I had talked to him and he was tired he died like this whole full day and when it he never shows his age but when he was tired he just like he just sounds like oh yeah you know and he knows he does and it's like he's completely aware of it and and it's just like an interesting thing that I just have to like like let go and just like let it happen and because this my whole life has just been oh my god always about my dad dying yeah I was telling you I we listened to your episode with I think yeah it was with Ram Dass and I think it was right after your mom and dad yeah and it was like I was going through all these like it was Christmas I just gotten back with my family I haven't seen them in a little bit and I got a fight with my mom like this huge fight I'm like screaming at her at a target and I just went in my head like you're never screaming at your mom again like you're not you're letting it go because your mom will be like this forever and then she'll be dead and you will miss her everyday so just like accept that she's gonna say weird things that are like for whatever her her thing it like she just says weird and it's just it's her and I know that I'm grown up I know that you're allowed to be yourself I'm not yelling at my mom ever again if I can avoid it I'm gonna be conscious of that and try not to do definitely avoid it but you know this is it after my mom passed and dad I went to we all I think most people go through guilt because you look back and you think oh my god if only I had and then only I'd done matter oh I wish and all this stuff and all of those things are dwarfed by the reality of what has happened you drop their body and but you want to have something to hold on to the guilt the guilt is a thing yeah I think you look like the eating the cookies or whatever the next day be like what did I do yes it gives you a little thing a hold on yeah totally and and but you don't the the thing is like the mummy let go of that stuff I have noticed the moment I let go of that stuff you find yourself in the most ridiculous situation which is that you realize I'm still with them yeah and that you you know if you say that to anyone who is an irrational is they'll they will say oh this is just denial you're trying to say this is just another pacifier or another thing for you to cling on yeah but you have to use your own subjective empirical sense like oh there whatever my perception of them was is something that's still in me and very accessible in its own way and anyway there's no way to avoid just the grid in there and we're staggered it's like we're that's how we're born and it's like obviously this like sick lesson we need to learn and or maybe it's not sick maybe that's the lesson but it is it's just like this inevitable thing and that I was realizing like the when the first time I did ayahuasca that was kind of like my huge epiphany was like this like clinging to my dad is like what all my issues are in life is like this like like inevitable like death or whatever this inevitable like every relationships gonna end everything like everything you love will go and just having to deal with the fact that that is just is and there's nothing I can do I can't control that by trying to control that I'm not enjoying the present moment right well there's a fantastic book called meditations by Marcus Aurelius who was a stoic philosopher he addresses the death fear is a natural thing I have and it's so up the way he does it though because he points out that most people when they're afraid to die or afraid of losing someone have created a an assessment of reality in which their past exists so the truth of the matter is there is no past and then the invitation to explore that is to go into your memories your most vivid memory and really like look at it and what I do is I think about like what what kind of TV would this be would it be if it's definitely not 4k my memories there wavery wobbly yeah I'm consistent and how much of that is because I've done acid since I was 16 I can't answer that but that being said I don't know you know there's actually a term for photographic memory and there's a rare thing where people can remember things as though they're looking at a photograph for most people memories are a bit like dreamy there you can't and here's another thing memories you can't smell a thing again you have to have a thing under your nose to smell it so in a memory if you can remember smelling something you can't smell it right yeah you can't feel what you felt it is you'll never smell the same thing because it's not the same mixture of smell you know what I mean yet if you're like you're smelling the scent of a thing there's other sense that are mixing with it too I'm saying like the perfect son I mean like think of like the last great meal you had wait think of it you can't taste it right now I could girls go you can go taste it now but you know what I'm saying the whole damn thing is gone yeah so his is what he was pointing out it's like you know really all that stuff's gone already your death happens every time you breathe out and breathe back in you're dying there's everything before this at least where you're at in the time-space continuum obliviated so you can't really the illusion that you could even hold on anything and then the other thing about it is holding on any person or thing is impossible and that gets compared to seeing a reflection in the lake and then trying to like have the moon in your hands and like bring it's it's a reflection we seem to be in some kind of reflective situation where you can't really hold on anything and anytime anything great is happening pretty soon you're just remembering it I always say I feel like I'm grabbing water I'm always like trying to write so that is the human situation everyone's trying to grab gold that's like we don't like it we don't nothing belongs to us right like you know I rent this apartment people buy their house they like yeah take this land it's like thudding or land yeah we're like you marry someone that's not you're like they're with you but they're not you you don't have like the ownership nothing like the tours these aren't ours nothing's ours yeah and nothing's ours this is all going in a land yeah and then when you think about the various phases in your life you realize it's like different parts of a dream oh well it's weird when you like Netflix had something on memory might win either twin brother and it's funny to have a twin because we do have like we have a better shot of remembering things that we both but it's sometimes we don't remember things the same at all and but we both saw this Netflix thing about how like you're it's you don't remember nobody remembers just yeah and I did not realize that until very recently and I was clinging I I had so like I was cleaned he's like traumatic things that happened to me in high school like every day and then I realized once I worked was that trauma and I like let it go I was like oh I don't have to like live in that space every day I was choosing to like retreat back to a place that was unpleasant right for myself yeah and I can end like what you were saying like I can go by like I don't remember I can think I can remember the room I was in when all this went down you know but it's like I don't maybe that's not where the things were maybe like I'm remembering some place I was at in college and I'm mixing them up or whatever and so if that's the case then I'm not gonna let like things have power over me that aren't and all and it's on me and then that's been the question is who are you yeah who are the memories happening to yeah that's the other thing is if you're having a memory for the memory to even happen there has to be something observing the memory yeah what's that who's the observer of the memory I used to think when I was little I used to always I would just stay up and I'd be like it's so weird on me how did I become me yeah like why didn't why wasn't I born into another body yeah and then I wouldn't and if I was I wouldn't know my teacher I wouldn't know my mom I wouldn't know like I just was like this is great like I just couldn't have I'm like how did I get to be this one yeah and I used to always try to my twin was Tommy because I we were brought up Quakers so Quaker meetings like you sit in silence and then if you feel moved to speak you stand up and you talk and you can say anything so I always have I can sit up obviously I think hello and I will pop up and he said that I would always say stuff like better like like wake up and you're you he's like us I think the teachers like what really or just like yeah like I was always saying like cuz I just couldn't and nobody and I talked to people about it and nobody's like I just assumed that everyone is thinking that isn't everyone thinking like how the did I get in this party and then you're like I used to have like insecurities about my body I'm like why was I given the and then it's like what what are you talking about yeah yeah why would I be insecure this is the there's a European it's a well number one it's a naturally insecure situation to be in a body yeah and and because well they're gonna die it's gonna die it's in love yeah and also you don't really know what happened before you were born so yeah it's it naturally it'd be human being human as sort of a naturally insecure situation but as part of the game humans try to produce the illusion of security life insurance health insurance even coffins their coffins waterproof like it matter that your coffin is leaking but a human wants to imagine that they're in a secure situation but also that if you buy your coffin right and if you decide that you're gonna have a waterproof coffin then your decision is still alive after you're dead that decision to have that coffin is gonna outlive you the decision is going underground whatever and you're like weird metal pill they all try to live yeah I wanna die look I do like the more think about it this is not funny I am maybe it's funny no but I do like I think about it like I don't because I've been so focused and I have I guess you would call codependency I try to not like happens to many of the labels cuz I've been using on my good I don't know if that fits but this idea of like looking outward so it's almost like my dad's death has been this thing I've been like focusing on so I guess to avoid my own mortality hmm maybe that's what it's about but the more hallucinogens I've done psychedelics I've done the more I'm like oh the cycle of life is like new growth has come through so I have to die for more to cut like that's just a part of it and the thing that seals me to everyone and that Bond's me to everyone that makes me feel not alone is that I will die yeah like I will die you will die will die like we're gonna die there's no way that we're not the same we're not in it that's how you can find compassion for anyone and behind me I actually felt I mean he seemed like nice it was like it's pretty nice like laughing oh he's having a good night yeah probably yeah yeah it's good this is one of the main ideas is to always remember death and ie when I heard this when I was younger I thought was the most depressing and grim concept but now I understand it wakes you up a little bit I thought there's another another way to think of it that I like which is um there's a type of yoga in Tibet called the yoga of dreaming and sleep and it's it mirrors a lot of the lucid dreaming stuff out there it's a process that you can have a lucid dream but the difference is in lucid dreaming one of the ways you could have a lucid dream is you set your alarm for every hour and you look at your watch or your phone and you think am I dreaming and you look around and then you know I'm not dreaming and then when you go to sleep if you've done that long enough you start doing that and then you cool I'm in a dream and then you could lucid dream and have fun and in your dream this is almost identical but instead of reminding yourself that you're not dreaming it's an invitation to look around and realize this is a dream yeah so you have the controls you start losing the framing while you're awake it's cool yeah because a lot of people don't really lucid live you know and a lot of people who are afraid of dying don't work they're not really alive yeah because they're not really in control of anything yeah in fact most people are completely automatic they're like on autopilot if you ever done those exercises to see how much you're an autopilot like the next time you buy something just watch the way you buy it so watch how automatic it is to pull the car let's swipe the card the way you say thank you to the person and then walk out you realize this is exactly how you do that interaction over and over like a robot what happened to me yesterday I'm in line at Trader Joe's some guy he's buying a card for someone he's behind me and he goes to the guy who's do you have a pen like I was like I don't leave a pencil and I went you cannot write a card to the pencil dude that's so dick okay it's not it's not like you got a commit you had a pen yeah and he goes dude I'm tripping on ago when he goes I talked to you in a line before you talked to me in the line before in Boston at an airport what there you go he's like and I've seen here the Comedy Store since but it's like I know cuz when you were saying that in my head I was going yeah but I'm different like cuz I have conversations with everyone every time I have an interaction with money I'm always like chatting with them about something but that is my pattern that's my automatic is to be like have like a full conversation with people that are trying to move along actually that's really quite amazing that means you're that's great that I'm telling you that's being written it happened to be one time I was doesn't sound like you're repeating the same conversation so he like in those situations you're sort of not going an autopilot and you're engaging with a human I love what my dad taught me like as my dad whenever I'm depressed my dad's always like just go out and talk to strangers like he knows that's my movie and they like go talk to strangers I'm like that is how I got molested you told me that a little too young but Roger talk waited till I was older but no it really is like the best advice and my dad knows me so well and I think that's what I'm so like afraid of losing is like this like reflection of myself that I can touch right now you know what I mean it was like just like I just like to have this person that just gets it my mom does it she does a little bit but like my dad it's like we just are like that donnie darko like thing to each other like isn't it scary it's Tara I just know it's kind it's like yeah I've done so much work on it I was in such a better place and he's getting so good with it and the more like sort of death experiences I have through psychedelics is something more like oh it's gonna feel so good for you to like fizzle out like it's not gonna be there's nothing to be afraid of you know it's like to me when my dad was dying I called this one of my friends his name's Rocco Marcus he runs ROM dawes's foundation I've had him on my podcast a few times and oh you know I was freaking out and it was this before or after everyone after but I called him and I'm like I don't know - I don't know - I I just don't want him to suffer he's suffering I don't want him to suffer I don't have to do and he goes he was so cool because he got this he's rarely like this with me but he got this you know someone helping someone defuse a bomb tone and his voice and he's like Duncan listen to me take yourself out of it take yourself out of it and it sounds kind of brutal but it was exactly what I needed to hear because what was happening was I was beginning to add my drama to him to my father's letting go of his body and because of that I was not being fully present for my dad this is one of the ideas when you're around not just dying people and I was living people - the concept is I think this was innovated by the Zen Roshi named Joan Halifax who this woman oh my god such a powerful being and she works with dying people she works with people who are dying alone people who don't have a family and she has gone so far as when people are dying to hold them in her arms as very amazing person very powerful person but what she says has become a loving Rock which is a thing that they can hold on to if they need to or they can push off from if they need to push it so that by like and this isn't a thing we you could just do well it takes training yeah you know you can't just suddenly like loving rock when the person you have known since your first took your first breath is temporarily leaving the part of the time-space continuum here you're at it work and practice to do this but it is one of the great gifts that you can give someone yeah it's learning how to be with them when they die uh-huh such a sweet thing to do and also your father he sounds out your parents oh yeah my my dad is like and I do worry like my mom is like I should be like worrying not worrying but I should be like focusing a lot of my mom too because just like giving her some positive vibes because she's just been with my dad the whole time you know like she just went right from her dad to my dad it's like she's never been alone she said that I was I came over I was driving with but my ex-boyfriend my I was just in the backseat shut I've never lived alone we're like oh like the heaviest thing I've ever in my life yeah and you know it's just it's a it's a selamat it's a lot and we all have to like be with ourselves and get that like sustenance from ourselves because we will be alone you know alone you like are alone in the sense like your body will be alone at times oh my can't like it's a lonely situation because I was born I mean I was in a womb with my brother so I have I like I really struggle with with being alone oh you do ah you just want to be like squished up with someone all the time there is a loneliness plague right now it's like a lot people are very lonely right now because well I don't know the reason but maybe they're getting their interaction without touch maybe that's it but it's a real common struggle that's happening right now it's be like it's like it's a plague like it's something that people are studying there's an outbreak of profound loneliness happening everywhere people are really lonely and in that is a such a fascinating predicament to find yourself in it really is I mean this is the only a good sign yeah somewhat it especially if you find yourself really lonely around people because it means you're listening dear so tuning in yeah I feel really I feel like I've done like a lot of really good work on myself I feel like I might really be coming working on I feel really like I don't have happy is the right thing or just I feel like I'm in the right spot yeah and I feel like I realize like every spot is the right spot kind of Wow that's it do you know even yelling it's um yeah stirred in travel erious like it's just everything and I think that's why I like comedy so much because it helped me kind of get to the faster because I realize every humiliating moment could be a moment of joy later onstage so I've never I've not held on to humiliation three years that's great years yeah yeah I I think I got humiliated once in the past ten years well and I realized it was a weird trick I was like this is something this is the thing because I was like why did I have such a immense like I'm oh I just look couldn't believe it oh oh yeah I know what you're saying when something just like gets you and like what the hell is this Wow where is that from yeah like it wasn't even like the panic and everything and then afterwards I was like oh that's like a that's exciting that's the thing to think about it's so cool once you get yourself to that place oh that's such a dreamy place to be in because when you're not mat place the inevitable appearance of catastrophe whether it's being humiliated or whatever it may be it feels like the universe is malfunctioning or you've done something wrong but when you get to the place where like oh here is humiliation let me check this out like someone just mailed a scientist a nice envelope filled with a pure sample yeah of liquid helium you could didn't like look at it what does it feel like to be you know yeah it was like a boiling like I could feel every like part of me like I was like boiling it was like oh and it was just so like when you feel that again like it's so I and I I also had a thing where I was learning I I was really like traumatically triggered when the election happened just everyone running around and it just like true I just like and I did a lot of work on handling my triggers like breathing through them and stuff like not like like not because I realize if I if I were to like lash out because I'm triggered I'm now like causing harm to others and that's not what I want to do so I want to like handle myself and there was a moment where I was working on this on this consulting on this movie and we brought in a woman from she was a she works at like you see all the layers and she's like the head of the gender studies and she was talking about some sort of rape trial situation and she said something like a lot of the women who want to hear more details in a story of a rape our women who were like it was something where I was it was making me feel like because I was a victim of something that my opinion of wanting to hear a full story and hear both the man and the woman's side in it was bad or something and I started to get very triggered like I was like in the room getting assaulted you know you mean like it was just like that and I felt myself boiling and I just breathed it down to regular temperature and was fine it was like crazy I was like god damn dude like I couldn't because I was about to like this was like a big job and I was like am I about to fight this [ __ ] like I was like I'm about to stand up and yell at this woman or walk out or have some like weird emotional reaction that makes everyone in the room feel weird yeah which is also okay I've done that a bunch of times and it's like that's then maybe they learned something in that but you know professionally like can I just be a professional in this moment and just like and just for my own sanity but it felt so cool I was like so proud of myself yeah you know what keeps coming up there saying is your oh you're waking up mmm you're and it's cool all those moments of not going into the automatic response for me I you know I get angry I get so every time I that takes me it's nothing good ever comes it doesn't accomplish anything that I would want and it you're like I'm venting it's like whatever am i doing i well you know the what's to me what's you were saying with alcohol you're just sort of gone yeah with anger it's a similar situation for me it when it Peaks where even are you yeah you're you're in defense mode and you're usually doing something that in a vacuum it would be almost like a seizure but when you're around other people it's scaring them it's traumatizing them it's you know it's making them judge you it's producing all kinds of weird this is not to say that anger is wrong right or the more that those moments are even bad or whatever they're just those moment they're happy and in God knows if I'm if I'm to say the anger is wrong then then I have to you know hate myself yeah so I when I look back at all the times I've gotten angry I have to find some and I was gonna tell you this so you were talking about yelling at your mom and a target target mm-hm so one of my great regrets when my mom had cancer she had she was dying for like four years straight and that was wild because you go from the reality of non dying parent even though they are dying yeah it's a dying dying to where she would on the phone me she's like you know this is what's gonna kill me and so that was four years and no matter what's happening in your life that's great there's a shadow over mmm-hmm because you know it's coming and any phone call from them goes from the normal kind of thing where your parents going on I got a boy here we go to like a oh what's it's gonna be every single calls my parents is like that by the way I pick up every time like a but yeah cuz I've had the fear of it that's so funny right but when you're like uh yeah the realness of it the realness of it and but it's true if your parents are old it's this it's a symbol it's similar you know age is a age does kill people and but I can remember I have ona is so selfish I was having this great day I was walking out of a Starbucks and my mom calls to tell me that you know the cancer spreading into our bones I think it was like you know the clock suddenly was going to speed up and I just started screaming at her it just exploded out of me I couldn't stop all the years and years of it Wow you're always dad oh yeah yeah didn't she was so called yeah and so loving and she goes don't do this yeah don't do this it was really beautiful she completely forgave yeah but I wish that I had been doing the work that you're doing right now prior to that yeah so that when that was rising up in me I had had the ability to sort of produce enough space and not be reactive but think how strong that was that you can't not learn that lesson do you know what I mean that was such an insane yeah moment that you're never gonna like you learned mmm it wasn't like a light learning you don't think you learned listen I you know I wish I could say I did no fun also kind of like what I'm getting from that is like your mom's in the that's like so it's what it was special moment to have your mom be so like yeah it was it was a special moment and it was special in a way I don't want things to be special but yeah that what I'm saying is I'm impressed with your lucidity and for me it's way more of a slow boil which I don't feel guilty about I mean you know if you ever heard that idea of how many times you reincarnate mmm oh man it's pretty depressing depending on your relationship with life but the idea is if you want to understand how long you've been coming back here to this particular dimension maybe even in this current incarnation imagine a dove flying over the home aalia's with a silk scarf in its beak and the highest peak the scarf touches the highest peak once every year the amount of time it would take for that scarf to wear the highest peak to a valley is how long you've been coming back into the material universe to put it into perspective meaning there's not that big a hurry to get enlightened it's that the idea is that once you get enlightened it's a rapper well well it depends on what school of thought you're looking at it from you know if it one school that listen I but isn't it weird how time works because this could be an hour my whole life could be one hour sometimes it feels like my life has been like a million years and then someone's like I think it's been one hour yeah like I was a baby like at the turn of the whatever time it is well it did yeah it's a jury it's a dream weird you the next time you have a really great dream if you've had a dream where you fall in love with someone mm-hm how about it like a sex change yeah yeah yeah okay so if you ever had a second look dude and a lot of times fun okay I know how to handle a woman I'll tell you that you do I know how to serenade you [ __ ] I kiss your neck you serenade the women in your dream I can really lay it down to a chick in a dream look at me myself is how I look at it well but me giving it to myself and the dream it's real yeah and that person's real yeah very real I'm pounding down yeah but you wake up though and then you don't think about him ever again yeah at all yeah if you do it'd be weird you might have to go to therapist if you were like eh I can't stop thinking about the woman I was him idea when I was a dude yeah you just forget about it yeah I think that's what death must be and this whole thing is identical like yeah you're just if there is a moment of realizing that you're dying or have died if there's some existence after death which I think there is I think it doesn't like mmm there's a moment where you're like oh was that even real and then suddenly you open your eyes and you're here yeah and that's probably been going on forever well think about how many times how many moment in our lives we don't remember that I've just washed away that's right and we've just stuck to certain ones right yeah and but then all those other like why would how long can you hang and there's I'm probably dropping I'm shedding memories every day right so I'm just shedding something like oh I don't need that anymore that's not gonna like help me moving forward maybe that's what it is I don't know or like that doesn't serve me or maybe just let my head can only have so many and it just goes you know it's called non continuity of self so one of the like implicit problems of being human is we do not have a continuous self but we don't want to think about that so the very fact that we have massive holes in our right the thing we call our identity is so horrifying that we try not to think about it we imagine that there's some substance to or give our self like a through-line that says we make this through line after the fact yeah you the point where there's a great that's not great it's a horrific thing that can happen to people is that they lose short-term memory so they get hit in the head and they no longer have short-term memory and that means they can remember their past but they have no idea what's at what what just happened it's all gone do they remember it later on no I mean if you see anyone who's had a concussion one of the common things is they keep saying where am I who are you what happened but will they remember that moment when that's a when that's a long term well depends on the if you're if you get hit in the head then yeah hopefully you'll come back but some people there's Casey we know a lot of squishy heads squishy and we know a lot of people with some fish swimming around over there or I could be one of them but short-term memory is like a fascinating thing in so this is one of the wild things and it there's a case when I was studying psychology of the person had no short-term memory they would put a coca-cola in front of them and they would just start drinking it mate say where'd you get the coke and they would go oh well I got up and went to the Coke machine but quarters made it up because their mind remembers doing that at one point it was no their mind it's like if the computers malfunctioning it can't understand how a coke just appeared in front of you so it just makes up a yeah oh that's scary yeah yeah well that's what the universe is doing with our lives maybe the whole thing is just a sort of dream that the infinite is having to produce a rationalization for its own existence and which means that if it's a dream it's really quite promising if you want to stay here so to answer your question with enlightenment or whatever that may mean I don't know there's lots of stories about it but the concept would be that the dream that we keep having over and over again we stop having it you know we're done with that we wake up so to speak but we really like come to we stop doing this thing where we sort of human being so like dying is us waking up oh I like that dying is not necessarily us waking up actually but I like that as mine oh yeah it's yours you could have it got it yeah that's the segment of the craziest tweet of the week just kidding I'm just trying to prove why segments would be weird good oh and now we're doing silly tweets yeah and also you can do segments after the fact I think segments are fun I do them on my podcast sometimes randomly just for fun I like random segments for sure yeah the idea of being like I must plug in to this now this then this I'm like I'm turning this my whole life has been me trying to not do homework and I've just turned my sweet beautiful free life into homework no don't do that make this us not always like homework yeah just make it fun yeah don't get don't let them box you in your they I don't know there's always that like they're not there there's no they why I do want to like I want to entertain I do like I want people to enjoy but I guess the people that enjoy will enjoy and the other ones will shed the out want me it's a podcast yeah I always with my podcast sometimes when I'm getting really frustrated because the dogs barking or whatever I'll have to remind myself who do you think you are pink Floyd you think you're recording some like Zeppelin track right now it's a podcast you don't I mean it's just a podcast not to say that it should suck right but if you get too caught up right in imagining people watching a podcast I have the same expectations of your podcast that they have for like a Stanley Kubrick or something then you're too much all right should just be fun this is a Terrence Malick by the way going as we go this is all scripted took me yeah guys monster Zoe this is being directed it's actually Anthony Hopkins has come back to life that's actually who Anthony is no I mean we're all dead didn't we come to that the napkins is dead let's start the rumor go well eventually that will seem like you were right yeah it's really when you're watching this yeah I'm not trying to kill him by the way this is not me doing a spell my promise I can't believe Steven Spielberg is dead oh my god I know that's interesting we did more on every famous person right now should we give it a date but you'll seem prophetic yeah who's who he's Tom Hanks had a good one yeah it's so sad oh it's Palmer did he really I liked him on that island amazing it's weird Wilson outlived him yeah yeah that's right that beach ball volleyball ball was so weird that weirded me out about that movie also so like a three-hour FedEx it was right like that was funded by FedEx like FedEx came to Tom Hanks and they're like listen we want to do the long as commercial I want to give you dreads dude do you remember that like the lines and the FedEx could the the FedEx by the way are we out of time here I don't know if like how long I don't care how long this is you have to go anyways so the Fed like their lines in there did it like that are like FedEx we pride ourselves on always being on time like those are the lines in the movie but the movie was the message of the movie was pretty good the message is great where it's like your life goes on without you [ __ ] yeah that's right sorry that's right sorry your plane went down your wife married someone else yeah yeah done but you know to get the fed explains and they have to have supervised the script like when you're making a movie and you want to get a bunch of FedEx you have to talk to FedEx like if you I was watching The Walking Dead once and all of a sudden the lines reminded me of a military recruitment commercial they were talking about joining the ROTC or why it was so great or something why is this happening wait what is this so I looked it up if you want to use military equipment in your movie or half dimension well if you want their equipment they'll give it to you for free but there's a branch of the army that looks at scripts and inserts recruitment bit like recruitment subliminal recruitment I like a pretty sweet job yeah the army what did you do did you did you shoot people no I did supervise some scripts I get on the plane first you should put me there that's a good Baghdady script this is a way better life yeah I am I was watching a movie with my friend and we were watching the knives out movie where it's like a murder mystery yeah I heard about and you know they have they set up all of the everyone could have killed this guy and so I fell asleep I don't know what happened but we ruled one guy out because he was wearing an Apple watch and my friend knows that Apple well you can't have a bad guy using Apple product oh so now we know he didn't in the that's not just a spoiler for that movie but it's a spoiler for any movie that ever that's so up Steve Jobs lives on through that and they live forever that was his wish no I don't know whoever came up with that at apples and did it's a dick move yes it's so controlling it were the good ones yeah also tech gear technology could be creating a lot of evil giveme of course obviously yeah your Apple watch stopped probably on the hand of people jerking off kids how about yes Annie yes I said it I thought it the whole time oh my god tits know that what the is you know what is this you don't run me I don't I know I don't run you but Wow oh my god so how was your kid like that what is it Kids Korner no yes that you know PS the CIA as a Kids Corner if you ever looked it up CIA gov no kids quarter you gotta look it up and sis oh my god didn't you have to check it out it's like my one of my favorite late-night activities just going on CIA the CIA doc of and going through their archives because they have all the Freedom of Information Act on so you can just say anything oh yeah and they just put it out there there's just videos of kids Annie what is kid it's not videos I'm sorry I got scared you're gonna get in trouble no I'm trying to help whatever you know it's like the CIA trying to indoctrinate kids oh I see yeah where it's like like it says government but like the Gees backwards you know that would spell things backwards exactly yeah you little young dogs you're not smart enough so this is the direction of G goes in yeah Toys R Us many people think the CIA is only spies but there's more to us than that Spy Kids that's what's Mike exactly yeah exactly I love that I highly recommend going on the CIA's website checking it out it's so funny and it's like so brilliant because instead of trying to hide they just put it out like they put it out there that they use remote viewing they put it out there that they spent countless millions of dollars on some of the most bizarre research that they don't say on there whether or not they figured out if it worked they made they taught people how to do remote viewing so that they could like spy on people psychically and a lot of those people who did it got cancer and to go kids indigo kids yeah they're trying to recruit they probably would be no well I don't know little psychic you'll never know what the they're doing I mean they're to kids there's an interest of both our parents of cancer no just my mom oh and your but your dad was terminally ill yeah he was suffering COPD what is that it's like what they used to call him fizzy ma Oh so but was his caused by actions in his life was history yeah yeah yeah for sure yeah it's caused by that it's so interesting my my landlord or my the the what is the manager of the building he I dislike him because he's sexually harassed me a bunch and tries to kiss me and stuff and it's so gross his cancer is like dying of cancer and I've always been kind of like weighing this thing I'm like yeah it's not no no it's definitely not okay but I'm like in terms of like forgiveness is from afar because you've lived in a building lehmann - mighty waves but they're buying the building okay someone else bought the building oh great and he doesn't have a lease so now they're kicking him out right before so now the universe is giving me this thing to be like have pure compassion for this pervert Wow so now he's not gonna have anywhere to live in like two months yeah that's sad but also you did touch my mouth with your mouth oh well that that's one of my favorite verses in the Bible vengeance is mine you know any time you want to get revenge on somebody for example I know I have many friends who are so mad at the TSA you go to the airport they're pissed at these people and they say you know snarky shits over these people by the way they have to repeat the exact same thing all day exactly it was poor so I always like this must be roughly it sucks and nobody listens so they're going like please take this out please take this out and then nobody's taken out and you have to take that out do annoying that must be must be incredible ins taking out their travel anxiety on them every year they're late they're mad yeah they got shot up once you come I give it and shop the tea I got up what I'm saying is if you're mad at the TSA you have revenge that's their job we can't do worse to them you know like house bad it sucks to drive to LAX mm-hmm they do that every day what are you gonna do like there's little uniforms there's a nightmare a nightmare it's a nightmare what are you gonna do that's gonna make it worse you're gonna say some shitty thing to them they have to eat at the airport every day in the diseases they get exposed to just have you shoot take their shoes out they just smell your socks like every oh the whole day they're familiar with the stink of travellers socks they probably go home and smell like feet and sneezes they try to be nice to those people yeah if you're gonna do anything like being become ignore are nice yeah don't you don't have to attack them this message was brought to you by the CIA yes I have to say that on every podcast corner check out the CIA kids corner and be nice to the TSS this is a must this cup for free mmm it's a special CIA cup look they're not all bad they did make some mistakes in the past but it's a new CIA and we want to invite you to check out CIA guv they're actually hiring right now for a variety of positions under 12 years under 12 yeah they've got jobs for kids under 12 - kids of all ages whatever you're interested in by the way it's not all spy stuff some of it it's just basic stuff you know like looking at scripts of podcast scripts of podcasts yeah infiltrating various like communities influencers pre influencers if you're an influencer we're really interested in working with you I know this is so fun what's that employers thing that's happening oh my god determines yes so funny influence people just say it regular to the like an influencer that's the part that's scary heard someone say they want to be secret you think you're an influencer that should be your deepest darkest you heard someone saying that yeah they're young you were don't say I'm an influencer whoa that's their job Wow and then they go on trying to get free stuff I met this guy who I guess owns a bunch of businesses and he was saying that he's like yeah influencers all like DM me and try to get like free I never do that so where this seems insane but I don't get a hack free hotel but it's weird oh it's so weird like I have a friend this like she's like oh this girl like way less flowers you could sell this Freesat from the kid but what at what cost is she getting that maybe none are we up I think about it like should I be like yeah but it's I do think I'm gonna get sponsored by juic if I start if I bring juicy back you should I want to be wearing full Jersey track suits every that's cool really amazing approach him know that men we're in talks are you really yeah I did that you know what I was watching uh this is not a commercial okay this is a segment this is a segment or whatever I was watching I I sound like such a show but I was watching Shutter like the horror movie dream it's the best it know it's like it's like a curated horror movie thing I love horror movies yeah and then I had my podcast now Network reach out to them I'm like do they want to sponsor me and they did which is cool but and I don't know to me it's okay it's okay that's what you like rave about yeah you know I cuz I do that for free all the time like if my like when I did when I did Rogen's podcast I he didn't have the caveman coffee oh and I already had a coffee and I made them bring Tate's coffee I was like I'm putting table coffee I know that's my boy like it's fun when people's March and so I had my people reach out to the CIA dude I was like I love your website I love the archive you ever look into that MKULTRA you know that stuff up you don't know about that stuff you should check it out there's so many things I don't know I'm interested every time I see you I corner you I come to you we have great time it's so fun it's so fun the best but you do open up a little like I go all I want to know that no I look into that you're uh you're what I would call an influence I'm an influencer I can stay at any Best Western I want for Best Western check them out their buffet is amazing it's so good and this week at Best Western used offer code Duncan and you will get 15% off of your frozen pizza they have frozen pizzas at night for late night evening yeah delicious servus now when you're on the road and you're staying in a shitty place when you're on the road in that arena which is what I'm in where you stay at a bad place what do you go down and you're like can I get the hot pocket at night oh yeah I'm like let me get that hot pocket the things I like I go I go crazy when I was doing that yeah yes yeah look at that hotdog it's awful I'm like ooh I don't like it when I go on the road I get to self-destructed it's so terrific yeah this is why right now why I'm fat he's oh it's not just that but it's like a combination it don't look that oh okay thank you I appreciate that I wasn't fishing for I don't okay look honestly you look like you've been writing so much Kido I'm doing kita are you really doing kita yeah I've gotta like I'm trying I just it's it's like nuts and oil no sugar no sugar there was no sugar in the almond milk there's nothing there's none I just wanna let you know thank you for letting me know because I completely forgot you are on your diet still oh yeah it's no sugar you just stop eating sugar it feels good to not each other to yeah it does I was on this plane I I've told the store before it's so hilarious I might have even told it to you but I was I had bombed a full weekend at Foxwoods yeah and the guy next to me was like he was like what's wrong little girl crying and he goes he said little girl no but I mean I was being like a small truck I was like well he was like like he just it's just like a grown up you know they cuz like and what's wrong and I told my bombed at my comedy show and then he was like and then he was like I was like what what are you doing he goes oh I'm I'm an African I was born in Africa and then I got out in a program where I got to be educated in France and then I came back I became a doctor I can't forget to save aids babies very much it was the funny thing that's ever happened in my life like it was so funny like he just listened to my whole thing like this I think you know what I would suggest I would suggest that you you think about things outside of yourself a little bit like here's like go like do something for someone else that is what comedy is you don't get me Sam yeah but it was a little condescending we were still funny and then he goes but then he started talking about sugar he's like he's like my one advices and doctors don't eat sugar he's like if you could see with the sugar they bleach it because there's blood in it and there's like they're just guys yes is there's like rodents and stuff in it and like I was just like he's got rats yeah he's like that's why they bleach it cuz it's so disgusting all the stuff that gets in it yeah civilian sugar that's what he said I've heard the same thing about cocaine maybe that was what he meant drug smugglers guys a liar dick maybe he was at the show and saw me Obama's you know there's a philosopher named Chopin our you ever heard him this is the mug this is this is paranoia not pro neue but basically he said no we're one of his like I guess you could call it a thought experiment I'm remembering from when I took philosophy in college the long time ago but this stuck with me cuz it's so dark but what he said was you it's impossible to have a good life because you're in hell this is hell yeah in anyone around you it seems like they're having a good life is a quote decoy duck that has been placed there by Satan to torture you oh that's fun that's it Satan sent a demon to sit with you just to taunt to you so that this is the opposite don't do this don't go down this path friends it's just a fun thing to think about there like anytime you meet someone who's particularly successful that you're comparing yourself to they're not even real it's something generated by the simulator to give you the impression ally wall just kidding what if that was my she's funny I love a you're not real yeah we want or yeah I will you know what I will I do use her as an example of the level of success I would want to be at before I had a kid if I'm gonna have a kid yeah cuz it's like I do not want to have a kid at this level oh oh yeah cuz I don't want to I just don't I just don't it oh no you gotta listen to that I feel that yeah listen to that yeah that's real I open for Louie last week and he was like he said to me you know I'd be on high with him no I haven't gotten luck he's very um he just speaks the way he speaks all the time so it's always like this sort of like he's giving like some sort of like existential advice or some advice or what he's just really he's it's very fun and fruitful to hang out with him like he I bet he gives you like knowledge but this was when I didn't take he goes I go yeah I won't you know he was like I love how much you talk about your dad cuz I have my daughters and stuff and it's just really nice and I was like yeah you know I I hope I get to have kid I hope I get that experience that that's what happens it really goes don't NIU goes well why would I go well you know what need to be at a certain level of success for myself to be where I would feel comfortable and I would need to find like a partner I don't have a kid with all that stuff and he goes don't look at it like that he goes I just say like there's an old adage that people I don't someone had said to him where I was like every kid is born with a loaf of bread yeah and he's like you know you'll find the money go take a loaf of bread like now dude like that's not sure but I have like a thing I love that I want to be able to cultivate and I wouldn't need it to be in a place where I could do both is how I feel well yeah you need that and I agree with him on one level it's such a really sweet really thing to say and it's such a great prescription yeah for a certain type of life yeah it's cool I mean that is the least cowardly thing to say that's crazy mm-hmm that's a wild person you would say a thing like that yeah and I love it I I'm not that measured burden I'm not I'm more measured than that because I mean I the baby not to be cliche was the best yeah never happened yeah and because if you have to make a decision are you go you have to reprioritize but you have to think what's important here and in this dream that works but if there is something important in the dream what is it and it's for me this has got this little beam yeah lately depends on me yeah beautiful oh boy looks like yeah looks like looks like you're paralyzed yes that's exciting that's why one of a kid alive well that is the wildest I mean that where you really really realize that their situation they echo through time genetically your let me he makes he like makes faces my dad made his hair is like my dad's he's like it's just an amazing thing to see it's beautiful too but I think there is something to be said for listening to yourself and your instincts and goddamnit when it comes especially when it comes to parenting because when you were having a baby thinking about having a baby talking about having a baby and I guess I'm guilty of it right now so I'm a hypocrite because I suppose this is a form of advice that's good everybody wants to give you some advice on it everybody we're in the grocery store my wife's pregnant she's about like we're probably weeks away from having a baby some woman behind us unsolicited advice just starts telling her like some crazy like you should be taking cold baths yeah it's like what the are you talking about we didn't ask for that or you get around people nice is out of her though not nice think about it she thinks that that's something that's gonna make your wife happy it's sweet she's like I want to interrupt these people and you just give them this thing that got a great therapist I got to get your therapist there's no therapist you know what say I listen to therapy podcast really yeah I just listen to stuff all the time that thing you just told me this is one of my friends her husband went out to get groceries and was got was you know we're swingers is hate the story he was going across the crosswalk and he got hit by a car and died on the street yeah in so her life talked about dreams her life went from this love of her life to complete realization of the impermanent nature of the universe and we were sort of talking about grief and one of the things she said to me was just what you said which is I have gotten to the point when someone comes up to me with their grief advice that even though in the moment it's making my blood boil I have to realize why they're telling me yeah it's because they don't want me to be yeah in pain yeah so that's very sweet that's a sweet because what I when I when she that's happening to me I'm like shut the up nobody knows psychotic but she's just going around like trying to interrupt people and like put something weird on them that ways are crazy well look I'll tell you that it could be I don't know she could have been a witch no I mean we don't know this is honestly imagine her looking like a way yeah she could be some dark witch from the fruit section yeah who gets in line when there's pregnant people and tells them to take back mothers me people that are that projection on you so negative like where they're like they take something you did that was obviously out of kindness in your head and they turn it yeah negative like they come out and you go whoa or the the opposite sense where you find out someone was like talking on you when you thought they were saying nice things about you yeah that's what I'm always like oh you that's how you are like I'm nice so I just see niceness coming like I want people to be happy and feel good and I don't want to cause harm for people so I assume people are coming at me that direction you know like I try to if I'm being an inn lineman with that that's what I'm seeing coming at me right yeah when people are out of alignment with that where they're not sure and it's like it's a weird competitive business we're in and stuff so I can understand where people are like I'm trying to get ahead or whatever but I've had this with with female comedians before where it's like I'm like oh my god you were out you were after me yeah you were after me [ __ ] like I didn't even assume that or them thinking I'm after them I'm like that's cuz you're after me [ __ ] I'm not after you I know you it's good to identify and forget yeah because otherwise you they get you oh yeah that's a shocking moment when you suddenly realize like oh god that person hates me yeah that person is in I'm I have you just have no clue I'm like oh my god I just didn't have that feeling towards her so I didn't assume yeah oh my god you're like whoa you are spending time but I'm not around thinking about me in a dark way but what it's from women - it makes me feel really hot like oh I must be so pretty I'm like oh my god I'm so pretty yeah are you thinking about me at night I'm so hot pronoia there you go I'm not hottest well I'll tell you this when I'm listening to comics talk about somebody it's very rare that that person is not successful yeah usually when people are coming up that's when the talking starts that's why I've noticed it's like if the shit-talking comics the moment somebody gets some special or this or that right that's when the tweets start going or they the the techno you're out but it's like look while you're texting shitty things about whatever they're doing is seemingly exceeding whatever you're doing doing whether there's and I guess you're gonna say there's injustice in the universe but when I you know for me when I see a comic on TV I'm capable of looking at their comedy and thinking well this isn't for me right but that doesn't mean it's bad right it's just on TV and they did Saul so I feel a trigger like if I'm like oh that person or like if I feel that way oh they don't deserve that I got a look at them and be like what did they do that I'm not doing yeah like is there something in this like what is this about me because it's me saying I've been these thoughts right like do I hate their comedy and think it's hurting people no I don't have that thought about people who are like that comedy should not be out there I do not think like that so it has to be something I'm jealous of or something that like I'm not doing that's being like pushed at you know what I mean yes this for me is one of the signs that I am NOT writing I'm not going to the gym yeah because if I'm talking and it's crept in it's fun though it's fun but it's you know what one of my friends is a Satanist and he is just brilliant just brilliant and one of the things he says is Mitch Horowitz is his name he's brilliant he's been on my progress of you guys but one of the things he says is if you want to your life up start talking up oh yeah anybody else will just throw you down and your focus is on another thing and you're a negative thing but here's the you can't tell you they're a scary reason why so the idea behind the this particular this particular reason for not sure talking is that if you even are thinking shitty things about someone then if it's that person doesn't take in your shitty thoughts they essentially like those shitty thoughts manifest in you basically oh they grow and yeah exactly exactly they don't take root and so it bounces back into you it's literally I'm rubber you're glue but yeah but but so the reason which is why it's it's if you start praying for people I don't think you would say pray for I love when people say that by the way when people go I'll pray for you they say it kind of something I'm like thank you this is sweet yeah well that that is what your life will really get better quick if you just start sending out good not even not by the way all of us has people have people that we dislike and think shitty things about whether you like it or not you can't help but the same way you can't help but if like you fart or something it's in its innocent it's like saliva this is part of us think shitty things but if you just start thinking about people you love and praying for them in whatever way you pray it doesn't have to be like Jesus prayers I mean like send out signals if I want you to be great I want you to be happy your life right away gets better and I've noticed this and whenever you know this is the main thing it is very rare to run into and maybe you've had a different experience super successful people that talk usually when you're around super successful people you will find their talking is a tiny tiny percentage of what they talk about they're always saying they're always talking about like one thing I've noticed is they're always giving to people they're always like here's something can I make breakfast for you do you want to want to go to eat can I buy you dinner here I'm gonna sit like like I get it once I got in the mail because I talked to my friend he's like super successful about cooking and then just suddenly in the mail there's a cookbook that he's you know what I mean and then you're like oh I bet he's doing this for that is the way to be I would say but when you whenever I'm around someone you ain't doing that great a lot of the times do you know I'm talking about they've got like seven people they're talking about they've got seven people they yeah it's not like revolving Target I had a friend it's so fun I had a falling-out with this friend of mine and everyone when we became friends they placed bets and when we would stop being friends and I was like I said to her I was like we were placing bets I just wanna let you know like I'm in my 30s I work on myself like if you ever have because I've had those like girlfriend fall outs that are so weird and toxic and like it's so silly like when you look back on it but I was like I'm never having one of those again I'm like so you oh it can come to me with anything I will try it on anything and then she ended up friend dumping me blocked me on everything because that's the only way she could there's no I gave her an open Avenue and it was so funny I was so mad and then I really she had a revolving target the whole time the way we became friends as we hated the same there you go like it was like I was like of course you were gonna do this to me like am I crazy I thought I was gonna be better than every human that we'd ever talked about like we were talkers together and I got mine this is so and I'm glad to not be friends oh they're not in a shitty way towards her but well it's cuz your talents a girl but you know the term coven so a coven of witches yeah so there's there could be you could say there's white magic and there's black magic you can say it's not necessarily true but you could say that just as a term of convenience and so one of the things in magic that you could do is you can curse or you can bless so it's interesting how we have like we call it curse words for example the T word kiss is a curse word I can't be subtle again but also well I'm hoping you bleep it out you know when whether you want to admit it or not when you're shit-talking someone you're doing magic you're cursing them you are behind the scenes like a little termite trying to sort of erode the social network around them to bring them bad fortune you might as well be like sacrificing an animal and pouring blood on their picture and burning their hair in fact talking is a little bit more effective than that and the risk in doing that is that because you are cursing you were in a reflective universe meaning that that's definitely coming back on you it there's just no way to avoid it not Mitch but a different friend of mine is a Satanist I was so mad years and years ago and I was like I want to curse this person yeah and I see a real like familial Satanist look me in the eye and said don't curse don't do curses it's really really bad to do that don't do that it's risky even if it works it's not gonna get what you want he said if you really want to hurt your enemies become successful yeah different to them like when you get over people it kills them I had this boyfriend oh my god he cheated on me and I you know I was upset at the time just cuz I'm allergic to condoms so I was like you're just giving me whatever this [ __ ] has and just the lying of it but I wasn't like in love like I was upset you know he we weren't that serious and then years later he comes back to me he's like I've done all this work on myself and I can't believe what I did to you and I heard you know what oh I didn't was never in love with you it's fine and that and it was true it wasn't to hurt him that I was saying that was being honest I've never seen someone like crumble and like it was like the most revenge I could have ever gotten me it's like oh no it's okay like whatever but it was the reason it was really true I mean it wasn't even fake but if you weren't there was an anger behind yeah and he was just so like it was just so funny like but to get over people you know like I struggle I have like this friendship that keeps going on and off and and it's like you know the advice I get for members is like you need to just be like hey when you see this person and move on like you got to stop getting drawn in sorry it's the drama of it that I'm always getting drawn and yeah and it's it's and it distracts me from my work it's always what I'm like doing well or something this person comes at me with something right and it's like this weird lesson and I don't know if he's time I don't think I can time it I don't think you but it's like maybe the universe being like you gotta like you got it not like this person they're piece of but just like this person is just a person and you're no longer letting them be the person that is more important than your work or more important because I just it's all the time like again yeah but you want it I mean that's just like a trick if you want to procrastinate you know it's like yes exactly no it's not therefore yeah no I don't think it says I don't think it's his fault I think it's like a wit just the timing of it is always so like obviously this lesson for me like just doing work [ __ ] right I I've gotten caught up in those kinds of things many times and I like them when they I mean it's why do we love vampire movies like when you watch vampire movies it's not like the vampires are like they're seductive yeah you know they're simply really because it's fun yeah and especially being seduced yeah I someone who's using you and you realize you're getting something there like a self-destructive thing by a person who's like intentionally trying to drain your energy so now there's something in that it's really like awesome you're like wow w do this and then you know they do they do it on purpose what an intentionality yeah and then you're at that point you're no longer a victim you're just into this like bizarre the BDSM the dance dude Dan yeah but you could just this is the good news is like there's all kinds of like sex dungeons all over LA you can go and pay for that yeah so you don't have to like if you're not paying for it doesn't in its so yeah that's true you need to like that's why that's why I can't even it's the situation so like I didn't want to bring it up it's so silly but it's so silly that I do wanna bring it up my friend goes I heard from two people you were talking on me and I went what did I say because I can't tell you I go why did I go what was it I want to if I was I want to apologize it's obviously an issue I have with you or something and he's I was sworn to secrecy you know what what I went but what is it and he goes you're too worried about who the person is I go I've never mentioned the person I don't it's our relationship but what he goes I'm not telling you you just want to know there I go what the are you I do not carry this person is I would not be mad at them if they if I said something I said something I will stand by and I will I will stand behind the action of saying it and I will explain to you what I was feeling at the moment I said it I don't care I'm not mad that that person told you they told you that they have free will to tell you what I said yeah he's like you're so mad I'm like I never said that and once I saw that it was this weird like putting what I went oh I gotta go I gotta go I got a Nancy Drew this I'm like no I'm like I don't and that I was like this is a manipulation because it's then I guess what the situation is then I would have to offer up the things that I have said that could be bad but it was just so I just went like I'm almost 40 and you're almost 50 like I think we gotta just do our thing I can't just give it some time at all it was so funny that maybe you was like messing with you you know like my most shit-talking friends are the easiest to freak out yeah because if there's talking to you there's talking to other people yeah first there's talking everybody there that's how they scream in this dimension talking as a form of spray when you're in pain but if you if you want to be a real [ __ ] like part of their living hell I mean I don't advise this isn't my earlier today you see this I was gonna say the Satanists told me and I'll get back to what I was about to say the same as told me if you want to hurt people become successful right this is not a reason to become successful right you don't want to burn that energy be successful become successful and help people and absorb these people into your lives and and if you can't like raise their vibrate right where you can you know or let your vibration get to the point where they naturally can't be around you anymore because they they're they find you repulsive that's the idea then you don't have to do anything because they're just like they don't want to be around that way in the vampire metaphor what are they what a vampire's hate light yeah that's a these you want to get to the point where they're just like I don't I'm your positivity self help shut the up I'd only be around you whatever it is if they just naturally fall away you don't have to tell them to go hey have to go away on their own they magnetically can't be around you you know that's the only way I think to get rid of these actually I just was like it was a very funny experience well and I was late for my spot I was like I have to work what is this what is this if you have a shit-talking friend and by the way I have talked in the past threatens addictive drug what you could do for fun is you know again don't do that don't torment people but if you did want to give them the sense that you heard they were shit-talking you but don't let them know that and know it's so paranoid because they were shit-talking you and they'll think that's because they're talking everybody right you know what I mean it I think is like I'm like maybe I'll but I don't think I was said anything I wouldn't have said to this I'm like I think I was talking to some friends of mine about an upset I had no I don't think he was doing I think you were probably definitely talking him do you think I was talking him I my guess would be that was just what you said I should talk might not be the right word but when he wasn't there you were confiding in someone some trouble that you were having Ryan which I guess rule is on which they took not as a I don't think they think it's on you I think he's taking this cuz the whole thing is I think I know who he's talking about and it was someone I really was like I was in like I was in tears over this person and I needed their help and I was like because they're like very good at boundaries and stuff I was like can you help me like establish some boundaries of this person yeah and then that would explain to me why they would go like oh wait don't tell her like probably they realized they said something they should have said and then cuz why wouldn't you just tell me what if there's no I mean the main thing is like are you sure like you guys what are you talking about like I will always like I want my friends to be happy and successful and feel loved by me and supported by me if I said something that's not in alignment with that I would love to know that I would I would be pleased to know that yeah that would please me for you to come to drama I hate that it's just so funny I was just like what we think we're a little out of the age range of this but comedy does keep you keep saying it a little bit well it's a community yeah and also part of a community is this weird subconscious which is the talking part of it where like problems in the community are being worked out away from the nucleus of the problem and that is some form of gossiping and it's just a human nature you know we can't don't trick yourself into thinking you're never gonna talk I just try to avoid it if I can I certainly don't avoid it all the time it's delicious sometimes you know Dave Attell joke where you guys ever talk so much shut on someone you want to call them the next day and thank them for all the good times because it is it's like there's a joy in it like and there's a connection to that person yeah but it feels itchy and good it's terrible it's like when you have poison ivy it's like scratching an infection hopping up yeah it's just got this grotesque feeling to it and then if you're around somebody's addicted to it it's just like alcoholism you know talk or they've a group they have group texts where they should talk people as a pattern of those yeah no I had one more round and then it was so funny because as time went on I just stopped having anything against the person and I look back I go why do we have anything against that good yeah it's so weird I'm like why did we group up against this guy I don't know I can't even remember like the moment of thinking anything I'm like oh that guy's nice no I'm like wasn't he always nice my room is faster you find out someone's nice yeah we're like he was always nice I think he was like a little show-off he but it's like who cares we all are show-offs or a lot of us are this podcast has been brought to you by a CIA don't talk become successful but do it for love they're listening kids corner how did krishna at all if it seems like i'm wrapping this up it's because I have to pee yeah I gotta pee too guys this has been so fun howdy Krishna see you guys later thanks for being with us see you bye thank you yeah the the thing I want to pin again is the pro neue Pro Noi oh no you [ __ ] pronoia universe is conspiring to make you happy everyone's trying to make you have a good life ha ha ha ha cool so fun thank you for having me on

Channel: Annie Lederman

Views: 95,160

Rating: 4.9025254 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: BDc3MUey9wo

Length: 130min 47sec (7847 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 05 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/hyene]

this was so good imma listen to it again in a coupla weeks

has annie ever been on tigerbelly? or would that be too weird

weird vibes