McCool or McLoser? | Fugget About It | Adult Cartoon | Full Episode | TV Show

how you doing you know back in the old days you found out someone was getting whacked after it was done you'd be all Hey where's so-and-so and everyone get all quiet like someone farted but with Cheech I found out in advance it was the day I had four root canals Wise Guys ain't big on dental work but cookie made me go word came down from gambini Cheech has Gotta Die but I forgot where he lives I know I'm a terrible friend now where is he so I can go kill him um what'd he say quit stalling Jimmy I promise I'll make it quick and painless for him okay only one of those is true what language is that stroke victim I was trying to plead for cheech's life and explained that I just been to the dentist but I couldn't get a word out ah so this is where he is there's a good boy Jimmy they didn't find Cheech but they came away with something okay and that's why 4 out of five gangsters never go to the dentist but if you think Canadian Healthcare covers dental forget about it let me tell you something about a friend of arsening Jimmy I made the wise guy and the couple with the gambini but when we found out that they'd be whacking uncle geech they take the bus he threw him from the 19th Floor Suite who wasn't much along till the marble wants him dead so Jimmy had no choice about to talk at the wall the beds the fans would say they heard that they could use him as a pawn so he rented out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan forget about it forget about it oh forget about it [Music] then Mario says witch head I got a suitcase full of them I knew as much as I settled in for an evening of whittling in CBC Radio I heard a report of two rowdies causing a ruckus surprise surprise it's you two we ain't drunk enough to cause no Ruckus I certainly do why just last week I snow shoot across a Barren unforgiving Tundra to go ice fish oh very funny face it you're boring boring eh we'll see about that Bucky fix me three prancing mounties what's that a girly drink certainly not each ingredient of the Prancing mountie is curled from Canada's finest fermenters and distillers plus seven ounces of 180 proof Jamaican rum yeah girly drink two Canada point [Music] [Applause] zero oh what happened last night where the hell am I this place looks familiar cheer me how much did we drink I don't know it's a blur I had a horrifying nightmare in which for some reason we left Regina and [Music] holy shuples Joni Mitchell's paved Paradise we're in New York why are we in New York you tell me you're the detective this is clearly some kind of fever dream brought on by last night's debauchery here's what I'll do I'm going to will myself unconscious and when I awaken everything will be back to normal but cool that's not you can't come on Jimbo we really tied one on last night huh you made coffee do you know what we're in New York what are you stupid I had this nightmare we were in some frozen crap hole in Canada and our neighbors get this McGillicuddy McDougall oh my God it's the model keep from my dream wait no this is the dream or is it friends what does that mean this is the end of my career I can't call for help what would I say I thought I'd take the Falcone boys to New York to reconnect them with the people who want them dead oh lovely that's probably work wondering what I am so don't answer it this is my work phone I have to no you don't somebody special agent straight McCool oh hello cookie thank God you answered Jimmy went out for a beer last night and didn't come home I'm so worried what if something happened I don't know what I'd do without him don't worry cookie he's uh with me he had a little too much fun last night oh I'm so relieved now tell that useless fact [ __ ] not to come stagger at home until he sobet his ass up cause I am not dealing with a giant sweaty man baby all day oh and Cheech is also with me don't care Jimmy is this your old house yeah it is but how do you know I added the last part they always leave me out I have to help clean out the garage I didn't do anything wrong mom found cigarette butts outside so until the culprit comes forward we're all paying for it only time I touch smokes is when I buy a more for reserve and sell them at the high school Gina that's wrong if a 300 mock-up Is Wrong I Don't Want to Be Right who's this guy with Mom and why does he look like me maybe it's your twin brother that's impossible this guy's at least 20 years older than me besides this is what happened to Petey's twin Yum Yum Yum why would they make a flip book of that probably so you could do this yeah yeah talk about shame eating it would appear the parts of your house that haven't been vandalized and or used as a toilet have been converted into a Veterinary Clinic that's because this is a mob doctor's office mob doctors are usually greedy money grubbing veterinarians no kidding 50 G's for a baboon heart and I can barely climb stairs I think the doctor is in did you do this Cheech I didn't touch the guy I leave him bloody not naked well I didn't do it I have no idea what happened but the good doctor is wearing my handcuffs yes we can congratulate my decline into degeneracy later but right now we need to focus on getting out of here before Doc it's Leo open the door tuddy got shot in the ass again oh crap it's the gambini crew Dino Kick It In good day gentlemen oh yo where's the regular doc I'm his uh brother his brother huh and all these guys uh these are my interns they're uh death and mute so they won't be able to say a single word not a single word now let's uh get the patient into the um examining room Jimmy what's wrong with you would definitely Mew close your eyes is the garage cleaned out yet smoky what the hell are you doing with that I want to know who that is that's that's none of your business forget you saw it and do not bring it up in front of your father you hear me but who is he who is who the man in the picture what picture I don't see any picture there's no picture damn it my ring came off say what you made me do you nosy bastard [Music] shouldn't you clean any potential obstructions around the abrasion collar or the contusions so we don't get necrotic fasciitis I I'm sorry what shave his ass so head don't get in the hole oh of course you two prep the patient you're quite knowledgeable I grew up around here I've seen more shots in the ass than a Catholic Altar boy look at look at his clowns shaving asses for a living come on Dino let's go smoke who's he calling a clown hey I thought you was mute now he's the deaf one oh so you had a mute exactly got it wait a minute we could argue all day about who's mute and who's deaf but we really should be focusing on your ass Tutti you focus that razor on this man's ass thanks Cheech no problem Jimmy you killed gambini for me is the least I could do Jimmy guys get in here it's to be Falcon and Cheech who do I gotta blow to get remembered around here [Music] guys guys get there right guys get me down relax gentlemen Tootsie had a reaction to the anesthetic he's fine now what was all that about Jimmy Falcone he's probably just upset about being in the man's former house wait a sec how'd you know this was Jimmy's house well no one breaks into a random residence and paints kill Jimmy Falcone on the wall just hearing that stinking rat's name makes me want to kill him and kill anyone he's with and then kill a bunch of other people and it kind of being so keyed up come on Dino let's go punch something hmm quit flopping around I'm sorry to have to do this nice shot but cool I'll see if I can find us a way out of here Cheech put some stitches and tutties behind will you why what kind of pretend doctor would I be if I allowed this man to get necrotic fasciitis look at all these drugs don't worry fellas I'm gonna pick all these okay I found something it's a long shot but it might work follow me did you sew up the hole in his keister yeah both of them but there was only one oh who are you how do you know my mom and what was your major at Harvard [Music] oh of course you're my father [Music] and that's what I'd look like with boobs this is never gonna work what's the matter with you McCool it's all I could come up with Jimmy I'm a little stressed out so cut me some slack okay sorry where'd you find this get up anyway just inside the door of an escape tunnel in the basement Calgary Stampede let's go back where you going doc say that's a nice animal wait a sec I don't remember seeing no horse inside Dino shut up what's the matter with Joe he's a vet you [ __ ] think this is why you still live in your mother's basement [Music] ah crap it's Marie remember Marie there's a piece of work [ __ ] shoot me now Jimmy [Music] oh baby of course not I was sad just talking to the doc here about your big surprise I uh no you weren't sure I was I was explaining how if you didn't help me out I'd put you and your fancy [ __ ] horse in the East River in small packages oh yes that 'll be good [Music] great I'm back in New York and I don't even get to see it oh smells like New York back here [Music] ah so you're the one who was smoking Theresa you saw nothing I guess it makes sense everyone in this family is a big fat liar Who you calling fat and Who you calling a liar wait no I'll give you that one now I know why I don't fit in because the man in that picture is my real father but you Empire [Laughter] father does that make Petey a bastard yeah so nothing's changed Marco you want I'm going to Harvard to find my dad graduated from Harvard it's not like he lives there yeah the only people who live at their schools are janitors and Harry Potters I know it's just a starting point in my search for my is somebody I know I knew it [Music] ah this damn was in New York somebody gave him some hay or something yo doc what gives Jesus H dieffenberger did we steal a plane oh you're killing my anniversary hit tell the horse to go faster or someone's gonna be shaving your ass tonight help me out here what the hell is that poor stimulus from the vet's office Jesus Cheech who finds random drugs and then just hates them I do Jimmy it's called limit yeah well don't get any big Ideas wow I don't feel nothing I think that was a duck Thoroughbred you got there doc gives me an idea [Music] that horse better come up a winner or it's the glue factory for him the cement shoe store for you and the supermarket for me killing makes me hungry I think we can totally do this I think we could totally do this every moment of my life has led me to doing this let's do this [Music] It's a beautiful morning the sun is shining the horses already and the Great Canadian invasion was a false alarm I don't know what you did at the park but do it again as soon as you hear the Bell we took a speed lots of speed I never thought I'd say this but thank God for illegal drugs it's a good name [Music] [Music] did we win the important thing is did we have fun and no we did not damn it I needed that money to find my way out of this horrible life what did you just say I yeah said let's go put that stinking animal out of our misery yeah that's what I thought you said oh [Music] so this is Harvard I always wondered when you would realize the truth my son father hmm come join my research team Peter I'm developing a pill that cures global warming but how it makes human flatulence refill holes in the ozone layer Hugh said flatulence that's science for fart come home tomorrow a clear mama okay Peter Frampton McDougall get off this bus right now I want to meet my real father keep this up and I'll say to it yummy Jesus now come on I always thought that if I died inside a horse it would be more sexual that shaky Dino panzini guy can't shoot to save his life keep moving until he runs out of bullets yo Silva keep still Leo you gotta see this you kill him yet how do you like that the horse has got moves that gives me an idea [Music] so this is just a horse dancing for three hours see what happens when you gloss over rehearsals [Music] I'd have a kid with that guy oh he's your uncle my brother Paulie The Brainiac you have a brother why'd you keep him a secret from us your father put him through Harvard but when he found out what pop did for a living Paulie ratted him out on a two-bit gambling thing popped it a year in Attica oh so obviously Paulie's dead now Jimmy let it slide as long as we never spoke apolly again you are definitely your Father's son mainly because you're both dopes Paula got picked up exposing himself in the subway what a sicko getting naked in public weren't you once a stripper that was for money which is socially acceptable I told you the script needed wike we should have hired David Mamet and had the horse saying [ __ ] all over the stage no thanks we gotta retool maybe do out of town previews bottom line is the horse is done I'm replacing him with Nathan Lane obviously a pantomime horse your time is up it's gonna be horse Stakes tonight boys So This Is How It Ends to be fair I knew we were dead after Rex reads review McCool where you been not trying to get tickets for this debacle I'll tell you that but thank the Northern Lights you're still alive we won't be for long if you don't get us out of here boys I owe you an apology this Escapade was clearly the result of my trying to prove I was fun we owe you an apology you're a freaking wild man yeah this is the best time I've had in years of course I can't remember that many years but still thank you gentlemen that means a lot coming from you all right let's mop up the circle jerk cause we're in big trouble walk up boys we're going back to Canada yeah in a pine box no the same way we came on the backs of prancing mounties I'm scared Jimmy me too who knows where we could wind up [Music] [Music] we're home we did it where you been Pop I got drunk dressed as a horse ran for my life you know weekend stuff I did some stupid stuff too you know what they say Petey if you like my father then you'll like my son that's not at all what they say whatever you're the one with the brains do I smell smoke it's probably Petey what's wrong with you don't you don't smoke it'll kill you all right see you later Broadway and not a word of this to anyone Jimmy for Canada well how you doing I turn code McDougall I've been in Canada a while now but there was a time when I was not so versed in its lame ass ways [Music] States like Iowa or South America it's a separate country attached to the top of America like a bad toupee or a brain tumor hey gang I asked the mess hall to prepare some authentic Canadian cuisine in anticipation of our naturalization ew This is a French Canadian dish it's french fries cheese curds and wow did you say cheese turds curds like curds and whey in Little Miss Muffet I don't care who she is she just murdered them french fries and then someone blew a load all over them what's the brown stuff looks like crap do they eat crap in Canada they do not eat crap in Canada so one of them Frenchies call this stuff actually it doesn't matter what it's called sure it does let's hear it I don't want to say pedia can't just roll out covered cheese fries and hold out on the name fine it's called poutine what was that oh poutine all right it's called poutine I rest my case but it ain't all bad up here they got this fluffy delicious taste sensation called the beaver tail thanks Petey my pleasure boy those sure went fast I'm all over it get the maple syrup we'll be licking tail and eating beaver in no time now that we live here in vagina if you think we're above making a few obvious Beaver jokes forget about it let me tell him about a friend of our name Jimmy [Music] wasn't much along till the marble wants him dead so Jimmy had no choice about to talk at the wall the beds the fans who say they help but they could use him as a pawn so he rented out his friends and moved through saskatchew one forget about it forget about it oh forget about it [Music] he's a big City lawyer he's a West Coast Beachcomber along with their wacky special needs canine they're two men and half a dog that looks terrible is it me or is everything up here a crappy imitation of stuff they do better in Estates codswalloped Jimmy our culture is as strong as a California Redwood uh BC Redwood [Music] here's a prime example the Canadian Football League a true original adding Canadian doesn't make it original it just makes it suck well Cheech seems to like it hey there's one of Ryder nation's more dedicated fans I wonder if this guy could be any more green yes yes he can folks who hey Jimmy what are you doing you're going to Canuck football games behind my back I go to games I go to rub and tugs I lead a rich and varied life Jimbo it's like Invasion of the Body snatches yo one of them a Canadian but it's great three Downs instead of four bigger field faster more exciting game you're just jealous because I'm assimilating better than you fine I'll give it a shot can't be worse than Canadian TV [Applause] wait what the [ __ ] is a great cup know why they picked Petey to work at the TV station don't they want someone beautiful on camera I'm just observing for my elective credit I'm not actually on camera not so bad said no one but me just now and I can't remember why besides ladies love journalists hopefully they love guys who sit near them as well I don't need to tell anyone with a pulse at this weekend Regina is hosting the gray cup that's the football championship named after the fourth Earl of gray now one gives a sh due to Sarah Mclaughlin harshing everyone's Buzz at last year's game Sunday's halftime show will be hair Metal Gods snake Hammer oh my God oh my God oh my God call in now and sing your favorite snake Hammer song for a chance to go to the game and meet the band [Applause] what's the number what's the number nine one one great game Bubba we allowed in here sure I just want to say hi to the boys great game fellas way to take it up the middle that's how you pound the weak side nice ass Billy fellas this is my nephew Jimmy ah good to meet you thanks uh Dexter go on now that all you got boy so we on for Saturday fellas damn straight Cheech I told the guys if we made it into the great cup I'd take them all out for dinner forget that you're all coming over to our place who's with me yeah ma someone's about to butcher a song by that bed you like among the many losers in our snake Hammer contest this next one's so awful it can only be a sign of the coming apocalypse do this they've been playing it all afternoon it's a rainy night cats getting gutted so better than this kiss my ass it's not that bad what are you kidding it's God this is you don't you dare tell anyone that's me that was cookie McDougall oh Cookie McDougall you are a terrible singer [Laughter] thank you thanks for Fitness into your busy schedule Dexter hey man we playing the CFL someone said free food we come running and what a running game you guys got we're gonna need it against Toronto that's a world-class City how's that ever meet someone from Toronto within 30 seconds they tell you they're from a world-class City New Yorkers have a name for Toronto nice try hey yeah some cook stereo's broken who wants more six alive chili no thanks I'm a vegetarian don't worry this ain't real meat it's pigeon did you say pigeon you're good huh I use my seniors discount at the dollar store Korea's finest oh Jimmy I don't feel so are you kidding me pigeon meat oh I suppose his majesty would prefer seagull the rich man's pigeon oh my God [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] hey a beak in North Korea that's good luck thank you Saskatchewan's great cup dreams took a nightmarish turn today when the entire team fell violently ill nothing means anything anymore I'm going home I'm just supposed to be observing can I at least get some powder [Laughter] football fans are gathered outside Wascana Hospital on the eve of the gray cup defensive tackle Dexter Mills urged Ryder Nation not to lose Faith please let me die sources suggest the team got food poisoning at this area home oh wow that's my house near that house where the bloodthirsty mob has gathered ah poor Jimmy can't catch a break thank you oh wow Jesus Christ Chief ow what the hell oh sorry Jimmy I thought he was one of them nut jobs trying to get in [Applause] good lord Jimmy cheats what the heck what are you doing in here McCool you should be outside getting them lunatics off my sidewalk Jimmy if you thought crossing the mafia was dangerous wait until Ryder Nation sobers up enough to get their hands on you excuse my French but Seton Grove problem I got no idea what you just said well get used to it because that's what you'll be hearing when I put you in double witness protection in Northern Quebec oh those guys hate Canada as much as we do if we forfeit you die sincerely the people of Saskatchewan he is sorry about the window we enclosed a check for the cost of replacement I think this is for you no one politely threatens me [Applause] make sure he gets his ball back great catch Jimmy yeah great throw McCool great chili cheese McCool excuse my French but I ain't [ __ ] moving to Quebec Ma you gotta snap out of this what I can't hear you I can't hear anything it's great Ew with those that teaches sex pillows he came here forever this is the only place I'm safe from that freaking song and those angry snake Hammer fans outside don't worry they're just here to kill pop for Wrecking the gay cup oh have a heart put it on vibrate and miss a call oh crap nice shirt I got a truckload of them what's your size Cheech and I assembled a team to take the rightest spot in a gray cup yes of course you have very good you do Tickle My Funny Bone Jimmy I'm serious this is the only chance we got to get people on our side and to keep them from crapping in our mailbox that's my toilet you'll be slaughtered like cookies slaughtered that song on the radio the alternative is we throw cheats to the fans and they rip them to Pieces it's good to have options primero Chase playing slot back mesh wash wash tight end there's one spot left to film a cool and it's Gotta Be You with your arm and my smarts we can't lose what that I could but I cannot I once had a promising football career but that was all before the injury [Music] a concussion so severe for weeks I thought I was a late night talk show Sidekick so this football player walks into a bar ouch hey yo who's with me I'm sorry gentlemen I cannot risk another concussion to help you in this ludicrous Endeavor fine we'll do it without you I'll be damned if the gray cup gets canceled on my watch give me a grand on iagos what do you mean no screw you Gina [Music] despite unseasonably warm -35 temperatures the stands at gray cup are empty Regina will be out to Forfeit momentarily so I will have the evening free ladies a group of middle-aged men posing as the Rough Riders are taking the field and here come the Toronto Argonauts City bet you wish you ate my chili now oh boy my dad is screwed okay so they're big does that make them better than us yes so they're pro athletes does that make them better than us yes so they're highly skilled hang on let me rethink this but I knew most of the answers when you guys are out there getting pulverized I want you to remember what we're playing for endorsement deals Rite of Pride We're Not Gonna Stand By and be the first team to ever forfeit a gray Cup who's with me [Music] oh my God [Music] bit of a mixed message but I'll take it [Music] hey lady what'd you do with my mother I am your mother Gina and it's time I started acting like it is this about that horrible Song Ma cause if it is you're overreacting snake Hammer was fine when I was in my teens but I'm a grown-up lady now and you know what it says in the Bible oh oh wait I notice uh Jesus throws a big dinner party yeah and one of the Jonas Brothers betrays him for 30 peanuts of silver no it says you have to put away childish things like rock albums and hopes and dreams and you two are so going to Bible Camp Ma you think you're a failure but you've gone viral that was 20 years ago and penicillin took care of it no no like that video of the toddler with the shotgun or the girl who plays trumpet with her butt flattering as that is I think I'm gonna stick to being an adult from now on no more Snake hammer oh my God is he Copperhead from snake Hammer I'm looking for the chick who mangled Our Song she is [Music] okay so far so good it's our ball and nobody's Dead come on Jimmy let me be quarterback shut up I'm quarterback but I got this play worked out it's a short thing hey [Music] you'll never see it coming let's keep that one in our back pockets for later [Music] yay you weren't going to start this party without me were you what changed your mind you did Jimmy you stood tall While others kneeled in front of the toilet yakking their guts out come here you crazy son of a [ __ ] if you guys are done choking each other's chickens we got some football to play You're Cool McCool fast and loose on two okay [Music] you okay McCool is your conditioner making you impotent find out after the break and we're back this Rider B Squad sure has heart in fact I see one of their hearts on the field now and an angle player just ate it there's a hearty meal am I right you're not supposed to be up here terrific lucky we still got this guy the only Rough Rider you didn't almost kill with your chili of course he's a vegetable you mean vegetarian hype now he's a vegetable at the half the stadium appears to be filling filling as fans get s get hagged Bunch or maybe they're just here for snake Hammer I hear the lead singer had a few too many backstage he got snake hammered is this thing on sometimes it lasts they take a few naps but you gotta get back up and get what you got little lady right here took a Beat and didn't let it get her down put your hands together for cookie what's his name [Applause] [Music] boys it's a rainy night on the boulevard my socks are squishy my life is running [Applause] good for you cook good for you [Music] we're done Jimmy it's time to throw in the towel I'll do it just show me where they keep the towels you want to give up lie down and die like stinking dogs no I just want to go home why are they gonna make us sound so ugly those people out there are starting to believe in us we give up now we're giving up on them and ourselves and all the kids who dream are playing in a league full of guys who couldn't cut it in the NFL those are go nutsacks got you believing that you ain't good enough that you ain't world class well I say they're wrong and if you agree with me I'll see you on the field who's with me so we're going for ribs or what and we're back for the second half wow my mom performed at halftime my dad's on the team which ones you blow to get this job hey hey yourself give me something I can use I'm dying here [Music] Jimmy Geez my speech worked God no you're my ride home let's hit him where it hurts it's time to get in their heads how do we do that tiny submarine no here's what we're gonna do yo number 10. it's the NFL calling for you really now of course not you suck hey so when's the last time Toronto hosted the Olympics well number but we had to pay them games [Applause] that's cute two Subway Lines you're about as world class is Cleveland this gutsy performance has brought Ryder Nation back it doesn't get more exciting than this I am so hard right now hey world class [ __ ] is the CN tower still the tallest building in the world well no [Applause] I'm feeling something Cheech what's up 98 felt since we moved up here Eternal Bleeding no it's Pride all right let's finish this how many years since the lease won the cops [Applause] thank you shouldn't someone tell him we lost sure we lost but look at Toronto they're miserable for custody world-class City come on guys robust City shut up Doug but Jimmy we still lost the game so what it's uh what do you call it moral Victory but we lost it's not about winning or losing it's how you play the game oh God you're one of them you turn Canadian [Music] don't forget tonight's game will be followed by the second and final episode of Two Men and half a dog I love that show [Music] how you doing if you're like me you could use some time off any old life it was never easy for me to take a vacation looking on points is so freaking complicated plus I had to leave Cheech in charge and if so how would you call it Jimmy Club why do you bothering me call Fats and get the other key I can't he's locked inside [Music] what do you mean you and fats are both locked in I was on the roof there's a skylight the rest is a blur but it's not our club what someone's here I got turned out to be the spamonte families Club cheats didn't want to pay for the Skylight he broke so he just up and shot everybody around the neighborhood they still call it the Jimmy's trip to Aruba Massacre I always called it the fats is a big [ __ ] crybaby bloodbath God Rest his soul now that I'm in witness protection it's like a permanent vacation at a toast star resort where everybody says sorry all the time we've only had one vacation from this apologetic Iceberg of a country and was it worth it forget about it let me tell you something about a friend of us named Jimmy I made the wise guy and the couple with the gambini but when we found out that they'd be whacking Uncle ditch they take the bus he threw him from the 19th Floor sweep it wasn't much along till the marble once in dead so do me had no choice about to talk at all the beds the fans would say they helped but they could use him as a pawn so he ratted out his friends and most horses catch you one forget about it [Music] forget about it oh forget about it Jimmy get in here I got that dirty little bastard cornered what is it a mouse nah it's one of Teresa's boyfriends trying to sneak out no sleepovers that's it letting him go take him out back and explain the rules to his face ah cook who gives a crap I'm free I've been in there since ah my eyes look at him McCool he's depressed snap out of it you got nothing to be depressed about you useless sack of garbage pop if you decide to slit your wrists have some courtesy and do it in the bathtub you need a gun Slugger take my calls I'm not wiping your brains off mine nah Jimmy will go out like a wise guy sucking an oxygen tank in prison sweet Mixels Cowboy Jimmy's under the moon and you're all making morbid jokes clearly Canada's character building midwinter Gloom is affecting all of you but I have a solution please say therapy please say therapy a vacation oh come on yeah hear that Jimmy we're going on vacation yeah right knowing McCool it'll be a day trip to Lake who gives his [ __ ] [ __ ] Canada where everyone needs to get the hell out once in a while [Music] capitalist pigs I'm taking this plane to Cuba just kidding welcome to Cuban Airlines I'm your pilot Brad that's just a little thing we do to lighten the mood around here enjoy the flight mccoya said vacation not being babysat by a Fed in a communist hellhole but Cuba's perfect there's literally no chance you'll be spotted by the mob then why you coming with us I need a vacation from All Things Canuck or I'm gonna lose my freaking mind no of course I I just thought we could you know hang the whole point of this was to stop me from hanging myself no no problem Jimmy I I won't get in your hair for the next week old Street McCool's gonna be all about rest Rejuvenation and relaxation how can you relax in a country that treats people so bad every country has its share of human rights violations except Canada of course yeah no you guys are awesome I ain't seen a Cuban since that thing we did not do in Dallas excuse me I gotta kill Kennedy I mean take a leak I can't wait to take in the music culture and revolutionary atmosphere of Cuba the people's Paradise strutsky kid get away Chris to open the door bienvenido akuba liberated from American business interests and mafia-controlled casinos since 1959. Tommy sons of [ __ ] you know I ran one of them casinos down here back in the day I banged so many Cuban brats they gave me a nickname Don Juan de gonorrhea how old were you I don't know 20 not 10. look around Jimmy Cuba's up Paradise [Laughter] that's enough you're not leaving my side for the next week he's Canadian boy he's French Canadian you'll have your panties on faster than you can say I think the word you're looking for is wow huh give me those back I should mention and I know this from experience do not drink the tap water here unless you get a porcelain shattering case of Batista's Revenge huh [Music] wanna go for a dip in a pool nah too many German tourists it's the Bay of Pigs Jimmy lighten up Cuba ain't so bad it ain't so good either Hey where's Gina I'm supposed to watch her in case she drowns somebody she's probably over at the kids club ah to be a child again that no good quack won't even look at PD unless I buy a Timeshare Petey's gonna have to ride it out [Music] Ma I think he's trying to tell us something Cuba is home to the legendary blue scorpion reputed to cure everything from cancer to diarrhea but Petey we can't go into a dangerous jungle just because you got fizzy gravy Mom's right I'll be at the pool does he do that on second thought we're going why should we suffer this vacation sucks so long as you don't [Music] thought you'd be out selling Black Market Bibles you know there's a swim up bar you don't even gotta get up to go to the gym what's this it's nothing it's a porno machine Jimmy don't you know anything get mind your business [Music] greetings fellow Americans I represent the five families of organized crime who do not exist we've joined forces with the government to encourage patriotic sociopaths like you to eliminate the communist leader of Cuba if successful you'll be granted super maid status and be Untouchable by them up you'll also get a lifetime presidential pardon from the feds ain't that right jack act fast and we'll throw in a free lobotomy for you yet we miss it how did you know about this how'd you not so you're gonna kill Castro look who just clued in are these guys gonna [ __ ] or what so once we take out El Presidente we can go back to New York no way I'm doing this alone when you and Cheech get involved things always go straight into the crapper she's got a point Jimmy sometimes you're a real screw-up you can't do this alone you'll wind up in Cuban jail with all the poets and playwrights it'll be so boring I'll cut the ACT pop if we're gonna get our old life back by killing a guy let's do it together like a family fine but I'm not taking a back seat on my own Caper capiche okay you were saying one day I'll be taller but you'll always be a fan video [Music] what am I doing here was supposed to be on vacation not out in the sticks hunting down an insect keep looking extremely rare blue scorpions can't be that hard to find I swung where on your arm get it off me we had one and you went and killed it ah Petey we're not camping here get out of the sleeping bag [Music] all right we only get one shot at this how do you know he's in there because while you girls were packing your bikinis I was planning this paper to the letter every day after brunch he comes to that window to feed his pigeon Lee Harvey birdswalt and when he does I'm gonna turn his head into a Mist Jimmy that's beautiful I taught it up on the right over wasn't sure if I'd use it well I for one am glad you did give me that wolf and Castro was my idea I'm doing the honest why wait I'll go in there right now and blow his head off I'm a boss I'll do it but I am the boss's Uncle shut up you moocs you want the whole country to know what we're doing she's right keep it down Hey look it's McCool see what I mean right into the crapper fancy seeing you three come to taking the sights sounds and smells of Old Havana yeah yeah sites and smells we're doing sounds tomorrow why are you walking around all alone not now Cheech what I'm just saying he looks all lonely and pathetic like a loser I'm not lonely matter of fact I'm going to visit my Cuban friend Ronaldo Garcia well then you better get going hey I knew a Garcia wants you drove an ice cream truck here in Havana New York I think they're related oh my God cheeks I doubt it Ronaldo is an orphan well he's probably dying to see you then hang on hang on it wasn't Garcia it was Gonzalez so probably not related okay well off to the um orphanage damn it put this in your mouth what what did I do [Music] oh Esmeralda your hands are so soft [Music] he's tripping balls Ma what are you gonna give up when he's dead you wish keep looking come on Petey let's go back to the resort fine take your chances with mom Teresa you can't leave me here why because you're scared I might actually have fun on this vacation no because I'm lost get out of here that is not how my son is losing his virginity our one chance and you blew it it's McCool's fault the guy wouldn't shut up about his stupid friend you did it to me again without you dopes I'd be toasting Castro's headless cadaver with a Cuba Libre you know that's just rum and coke presidential Palace por favor [Music] and that me Amigos is how the Cuba Libre differs from Emile Ramen cork I see what you're doing here you do don't think I didn't notice you drove around a little bit I uh it's okay comrade but you do that with the tourists yes not with El Jefe okay okay hasta luego that is one Charming [ __ ] what a presence this guy I got goosebumps no wonder he's so hard to Kill ah God damn it it's like I just wanted him to like me I know I couldn't make a move you almost forget that man's a bloodthirsty dictate you think he liked me [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] back here it's the only Road I recognized stop for a fair Gina this Resort ain't cheap Jimmy McCool you've been drinking oh yeah me and Ronaldo Garcia and we get together I miss horse I'm in here horse [Music] really it was Gina and the rat comes out from hella's dinosaurs what have you done okay this is fixable we'll drop him back at the palace and pay the cab [Applause] congratulations Jimmy you've liberated Cuba and ruined my life I trusted you see that was your first mistake we can still get through this let me do the talking no thanks a lot guys [Music] Holt you are trespassing on American soil do not move or reshoot American soil yeah [Music] American soil Ah that's better [Music] I cannot believe you assassinated a president to get away from Canada I thought we were friends what friendship got to do with it apparently nothing all right let's get one thing straight I'm not offering you weirdo's Asylum got it but we killed Castro we could come through killed him good shut up if I had a dime for every Nut Job who hopped that fence claiming to have killed Castro I'd have a mountain of Dimes and I'd sit on that mountain and declare myself the king of Dimes that sounds amazing my point is we're handing you right back to the Cuban authorities excuse me Colonel corn I think you'd better see this multiple sources confirm Castro has been kidnapped by a red-headed [ __ ] posing as a little girl yeah yes Mr President it's confirmed yes sir I'll do that oh I am so [ __ ] fired what I can swear [Music] oh baby I'm a terrible mother I couldn't find one stinking bug it's an arachnid and you're a great mother a great mother wouldn't let this happen but you let your kids every move right well I should have thought before I drank from that I just want to keep Teresa from making the same mistakes I did oh we're on Teresa now you don't gotta worry about me ma how did you find us and what's he doing here you won't believe this Jean Philippe here likes to catch these and stick them up his ass keeps down the hemorrhoids ha ha oh sorry those things creep the [ __ ] out of me you got another one up there JP [Music] oh I'm cured if you would have trusted me we could have had fun instead of running around the jungle like bull braider it's Tomb Raider shut up Edie oh Teresa you're right uh he didn't do anything with Jan Phillip here did you not at all I'm not the one he likes anybody else feel a Brit holy crap are you good [Music] ah Jesus what no goodbye all this time I've gone above and beyond to protect you and now you lie to me and walk away like it was nothing what are we married you lied to me too I did no such thing really what about Ronaldo Garcia you saw through that hmm I made him up I felt silly being out all alone while you three were having fun committing a murder don't take it so hard McCool of all the cops I've ever known you're my favorite that's not saying much coming from me that's saying a lot put it here pal Hey where's Air Force One going well Castro was found with third degree burns by three Canadian tourists who revived him with the Venom of a blue scorpion give you believe that his family is a freaking freaking curse so no medals no getting super made no what about the free lobotomy I'll give you a lobotomy come here yo girl I've seen as we came pretty close to office you think we could get a job right back to the resort get the hell off my base gorgeous weather in Cuba huh damn shame the American people can't go there maybe I ought to do something about that can you believe this Ma and then flew home first class courtesy of El Presidente and we're rolling a [ __ ] truck I stand by my choice to sell our passport to those Arabs in gitmo I don't even know why we bothered with a vacation I'm just as depressed as I was before but Jimmy you lied to a policeman stole a taxi cab and almost whacked someone what more could you want you know you're right and I made 28 bucks driving that cab which you'll have to declare it customs and you wonder why we didn't want to hang out with you keep rowing Jimmy keep rowing how you doing I'm Jimmy Falcone Alias McDougall back when I was a capo keeping the family business away from my actual family was a freaking tap dance like the time Petey got himself a girlfriend Peppa malazi face like a pizza but we're talking Petey here so he had to take what he could get problem was her old man was one of my business associates listen kid I got a feeling pepperoni face is gonna break up with you impossible pepper said I was the only boy for her yeah the only boy willing to kiss me love is special but it ain't that it's our old man are you saying her father doesn't approve of me it's actually me he ain't big on we had a little disagreement then how do you know I'm getting dumped call it a hunch her dad was in the trunk wasn't he now that we live in Canada I don't worry about that stuff no more but at the time it was very stressful oh boohoo pepper was my first love and you took her away from me I still love you [Laughter] what forget about it let me tell you something about a friend of ours named Jimmy I made the wise guy and the couple with a gambini but when we found out that they'd be whacking Uncle teach they take the bus he threw him from the 19th Floor Suite who wasn't much along till the marble once in dead so Jimmy had no choice about to talk at the wall the beds the fans would say they helped if they could use him as a pawn so he rented out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan forget about it forget about it oh forget about it thank you what a movie those were some very realistic decapitations trust me it had an uplifting message don't bang your girlfriend in the creepy graveyard all right give me your wallet a Canadian mugger that's adorable better do what he says yeah I don't think so kid run my son owns a rape whistle hey are you running away you're checking crap I can't see nothing through this sock that's better this guy is like the Special Olympics of crime don't make me shoot you old man yeah change of plans Pinhead hand over your wallet here take it and take my bus pass it's still good for six days oh velcro looks like we got us a real high roller what a snook fake gun sock on his head fist pants where's the professionalism it's punks like this who give crime a bad name you know Jimmy I've been a Mugger but I've never actually been muggered myself it's nice to know how the other half lives [Music] fun what snooping ma pay pig shoulder to see what you're doing is not snooping Theresa Maria Falcone is that a picture of you drinking a beer no it's um an app it's an app to make it look like I'm drinking a beer oh and that's an app to make it look like I'm Frenching another girl while Frat Boys cheer us on Teresa why would you do something like that you know how it is after five beers you're on autopilot and flashing a policeman that's autopilot too no that was tequila he was about five five dark clothes wool sock on his head possibly from a right foot something like this relax McCool we took care of the mugger you took care of him well then James danger McDougall in the name of the crown I have no choice but to place you under arrest for murder not today copper come on Jimmy ow I didn't mean that kind of take care of what's wrong with you I meant we stopped the mugger oh thank God win's ghost Petey you're clearly in shock from your encounter with a Criminal element which is odd considering you're descended from gangsters nonetheless in my estimation the best way to confront your fear is head on I invite you to come with me on a police Ride Along won't it be dangerous this is Saskatchewan it'll be safer than Picking Daisies PG get away from there it could explode in any second whoever was behind the wheel likely pried the plates off before they fled the scene good eye Petey I also found this under the seat amphetamines the driver was a willfully negligent speed freak I'll do a rundown of the serial numbers and see if we can trace this hop head or you could just arrest that guy it's not my fault these long hauls are killing me I didn't mean to run over all those school children school children never mind cover your ears Petey I am about to do something most uncanadian wait we don't need to use unnecessary violence observe respect spectacular physics it's Nature's policeman come along little trooper [ __ ] Canada where no one turns a blind eye to police brutality ah [Music] hey McCool you lost weight oh what's wrong with your face guess it's gonna be a junior cop what do you mean Junior cop I signed up with the provincial internship group of law enforcement trainees my only male Heir is gonna be a freaking piglet hey just like cousin Carlo good old cousin Carlo the crookedest cop in all the five boroughs please officers stop that I just need a parent to sign his permission form no son of mine's joining the bacon Brigade McCool said you might feel this way McCool it's bad enough he's got me on this straight and narrow now he's brainwashing my boy you got all the mentor you need right here what am I supposed to learn from you plenty robbery extortion pandering I'm like a college of wise guy knowledge oh for God's sake here you go sweetie thanks Mom you're letting him join the PAW Patrol what kind of parent are you he's just being a rebellious teenager at least he's not getting drunk like his wino sister hey shut up Robbie well I ain't living with Note 5-0 don't worry I'll make her look like an accident Gina no go rotting your brother when did you stop being fun [Music] I can't believe Petey's turning his back on our way of life he's giving a pasta no he's rejecting my whole family heritage I rejected mine too when I guided my father like a goat yeah but Graham said it coming I guess the wisdom of our ancestors is gonna die with me don't worry Jimmy if you die I'll eat enough pasta for both of us go to the car oh no not you guys again I'll give you a head start Punk please don't hurt me I'm new at this who am I kidding let's get it I can't mug anyone I totally blew carjacking but never figure out how to be a criminal we'll never figure out how to be the criminal guess who's gonna be a junior cop criminal cop criminal cop Criminal [Music] come with me if you want to learn are you a Terminator no kid I'm a learninator enough with the [ __ ] Rhymes Jimmy what do you think you are Mother Goose [Music] all right Benny this will be your room wow no one's ever been this nice to me thanks Mr Jimmy this is nice Jimmy you're really giving back to the community if PD don't want my Pearls of Gangsta Lee wisdom then I'll pass them on to Benny over there Jimmy I don't often throw around words like hero so I won't I'm just a simple man trying to make the world a worse place one kid at a time [Music] thank you [Music] thank you [Music] Hail Mary full of grace help me with my daughter's booze problem that's good booze problem try raising a teenager with the power to turn water into wine ah Mama mia bathtub was permanently stained Purple Jesus was a lush it got so bad we had to put him in AAA ancient Alcoholics Anonymous didn't work little punk refused to acknowledge a higher power No Way Ma I am the higher power God the ego on this kid so what did you do I took him down to the Dead Sea and said you turned that into wine and drink every drop he chugged it like a champ then he punched a centurion trashed the temple and ran off with a [ __ ] from Babylon but he never got drunk again wow the things they left out of the Bible no kidding like his brother Rusty what and I've said too much [Music] sorry Petey I know paperwork is dull but it's a big part of law enforcement oh I love paperwork in fact I just saw some cold cases which ones all of them sweet Da Vinci's Inquest you sold 27 years of cold cases I can see how they baffle a less intelligent cop but it's all in a day's work for junior officer [Music] he's not with me [Music] Theresa we need to talk not mine it is now you are going to sit here and drink this until you learn that terrible things alcohol does to a person works for me cheers that's it drink it up alkie after I'm through with you you'll never want to look at liquor again Chianti you want some well since it's already open did I ever tell you how Gina happened your father got home from stabbing Frederico the Fink and let me tell you he wasn't through poking stuff make it yeah if you're gonna hide out in Mexico stay away from the senior readers before you know it you'll have eight kids in a job cutting lawns in El Paso what the hell is this now it's my mule McCool lent them to me for being a junior super cop congratulations an ass for an ass good one Mr Jimmy uh who are you well since you're so busy being super cop I decided to Mentor this Wayward kid I gotta take a dump that Mr Jimmy's such a great guy you're lucky he's your dad listen Bernie is it you probably think you're special to my dad but he's using you just like he used chicha's Mexican stepkids to work his lawn care racket in El Paso Papa Cheech please don't go back to New York get back to work so Mr Jimmy's just using me why to get back at me and once he's done he'll drop you right back in the gutter tell him not to bother I can drop myself in the gutter Ma you should not be driving shut up I'm going to the store for wine and breath mints in case I get pulled over ma'am have you been drinking um hi step out of the vehicle man I'm fine I'm fine ma'am you're under arrest for drunk driving what the hell are you doing sir I have the situation under control I need you to step back I'm gonna step into your ass if you don't take off those bracelets Burns you were warned sir shame busting your own mother and father I was just following procedure you threatened an officer of the law do the crime do the time pop what are you doing something nice should have done a long time ago son of a piggy this is madness following the letter of the law is one thing but pepper spraying your own father twice is conduct Unbecoming a piglet you are so done playing CSI Regina no I'm not Mom signed the permission form I can be a piglet as long as I want Commissioner of vote come on Jimmy mama wants a cheeseburger sorry PT I'll need your hat uniform and badge and your mule [Applause] [Music] what the hell is it just me or is the house roomier holy crap Betty friggin robbed us the kid learned good they even took the vent covers I am so proud of that thieving lion Lowdown Dirty Bastard too bad I gotta kill him [Music] Betty stole my laptop Benny stole all my shoes then he stole my Dora DVDs what when I deal with a cocktails Benny didn't take none of my stuff my eight tracks and Thigh Master right where I left them too bad you got me kicked off the force or I totally catch him and get our stuff back don't even talk to me Peppa spray Patty fine enjoy sitting on your invisible couch watching invisible TV what's she talking about I don't see no invisible couch ah what happened last night did I do this no but you did do this quit judging me Jesus Mary and Joseph what kind of role model am I I don't know Ma you tell me [Music] I can't believe Benny stole from me after I treated him like my own son you treat your own son like crap well there you go I treated him better than my own son we don't need Petey to find this clown we'll do it our way where's Benny who where's Benny what's a Benny where's Benny Ash sorry sister such language you know Jimmy as nuns go she was actually pretty uh gentle [Music] hey Petey I decided to forgive you for pepper spraying me can't find Benny huh I'm out of leads on this one I can't help you I'm not a junior cop anymore from what I heard you were the best Junior cop this town's ever seen where'd you hear that down at the station when I was signing you back up for piglet really that's awesome wait a minute you're not using me to get back at Benny are you maybe a little well good cause I wanna bust that son of a [ __ ] but if we're gonna do this we do it my way buy the book you got it this is gonna be great just you and me it'll be like an 80s buddy cop movie he shot mini cop with a mega mind he's a retired wise guy who just wants his couch back Chief I ain't this kid's babysitter no you're his new partner [Music] too old for this [ __ ] you do it more by the book you do it less by the book [Music] cold Falco in Jimmy's way Petey's law Jimmy's way Katie's long find Jimmy's way all right we agree on a title now let's quit wasting time and catch this guy [Music] oh God this goddamn headache time to rub it in huh well go on tell your mother what an ass she made of herself actually seeing you wasted with a real eye-opener I can see how drinking too much can turn someone into a total loser a total loser really you mean it Ma I swear no booze until I'm 19. 21. we're in Canada it's 19 here 18 if I go to Manitoba in Quebec it's like 12. you go have fun but if a frat boy gives you a drink make him take the first sip thanks Ma 12. man them French know how to live [Music] I can't believe you track betting down so fast how'd you do it forensics informants you hire a psychic no I found them selling our stuff on Craigslist way to go Columbo and my outfit's essential to the plan right because if not you're grounded you must be ingmar and brunhilda brune Hilda yeah you're grounded which one of you is ingmar yeah yeah that's me my wife and I are looking to buy an entire house full of stuff I got a house full of stuff to sell I love this stuff is tacky crap so I'll give it to you cheap you agreed buy the book oh right sorry son Mr Jimmy wow that hurt hey I taught him that move pop he's getting away don't worry I got this [Applause] oh pity you're brilliant it's just like that game with The Mousetrap what's it called mouse trap Kitty no do it by the book screw the book this time it's personal wasn't it always personal come on take the shot I can't do it good for you kid he's a dumb ass punk but he don't deserve to die you did the right thing he could walk away from that maybe not pop stay with me hop hop we're not that different sure I'll never be a crook but I'm still your son Hop Pop wow [Applause] [Music] knock it off Cheech it ain't funny anymore all right doc says I can go that was some interesting police work Jimmy it was all Petey and he would have brought Benny in if that plane hadn't somehow got to him first So McCool you're gonna give him his mule back yes about that unfortunately PT won't be reinstated as a piglet what he was so good he was making the other cops look bad and that's my job [Laughter] no one left at work either that's okay I think I've had enough of police work and let's face it cop stoner [Laughter] [Music] how you doing I'm Jimmy Falcon currently known as Jimmy McDougall back in the old days when I was a big shot the most important person in my life was my lawyer when you make an honest living breaking the law never misunderestimate the value of a good shyster suppose I allegedly tried to whack a guy and he went to the cops would I be in trouble hmm the guy was available night and day it's me I know it's 4am and you're in the Hamptons but you gotta come to the city and bail me out I need you to get rid of this for me nothing seemed to face this guy then out of the blue he Robs a liquor store and gets sent to jail this guy went to Harvard why would he do that thank God just put me in a deep dark hole and get me away from Jimmy falcon anyway now that I'm in witness protection I don't need no lawyer cause I got my own personal money hey McCool can you get me one of them new smarty pants phones we've been through this Jimmy I can't cater to your every little whim the answer is no so just I can't believe I'm going to say this forget about it let me tell you something about a friend of ours named Jimmy I made the wise guy and a couple with a gun beanie but when we found out that they'd be whacking Uncle teach they take the bus he threw him from the 19th Floor sweep it wasn't much alone till the mob once in dead so Jimmy had no choice about to talk at the wall the beds the fans will say they help them they could use him as a pawn so he rented out his friends and moved through Saskatchewan forget about it forget about it oh forget about it [Music] so they took your appendix I'll give you one of mine but it's probably messed up from hard living but Uncle Cheech the human appendix is a vestigial organ I've been kicked in the vestigials I feel your pain I hope you like the flowers it was the most expensive ones they had nothing's too good for our mountie we got the Bannock just in case listen doc this guy's a friend of the family send his bill to us what bill I like you you learn fast cookie here's Jimmy coming his smiling face and ceaseless cigar smoke always brighten my day don't worry I'm sure he's on his way I sent that bonehead plenty of reminders [Music] ah crap I slept past five what's with him he's looking right at me still there what if he's a hit man this is bad son of a Toby what are you doing sneaking up on a guy like that oh sorry Jimmy I I just came to remind you if you're gonna stay late don't forget to put in for overtime thanks Toby oh my pleasure all right you bastard you want me come get me Toby geez sorry I thought you were someone else maybe I should start wearing a bell oh this [ __ ] I've thought of that earlier it's that guy again what guy all I can see are fuzzy shapes [Music] Jimmy you're the only one whoever calls McCool I've been made there's a guy tailing me meet me at home and grab me a slice on your way I'm starving [Music] wow what the hell Ma you know that bad Gina has in her room with a dollar sign on it sure sure money bear okay I was in a room getting rid of anything that might be construed as evidence and I think I might have threw a money bear what Gina gets when you touch her stuff remember when you tried to get her off the path of fire she was like a badger clone and scratching and that sound she made I wore an eye patch for a year exactly so I don't want to know about this I can't believe my own daughter's gonna abandon me in a time when I'm in danger from my other daughter what nothing foreign no why'd you have to drag me into this I didn't do anything shut up shut up you're in it now someone's after me I need a gun thanks kid where'd you get this you want a gunner you want to ask stupid questions where the hell were you holy line in the hospital and you wait a second McCall's in the hospital why didn't you tell me that means we're on our own what are you talking about I don't get time to explain I think we've been made oh easy tiger boy Jimmy I've been trying to introduce myself all night but you kept giving me this slip who the hell are you and who sent you I came as soon as I got your message Jimmy this is FBI agent Rick chick magnet is pepperoni okay all they had was pepperoni it's kind of cold what do you feds want from me now the bureau wants to interview you for an ongoing investigation Jimmy nice to meet you I'm special agent McCool let me guess first name not so nice uniform not so so what do you say Jimmy deal or not a deal no way I had enough of being a no-good snitch for one lifetime in the eyes of the US government you're no snitch you sir are a hero you sure you got that right Jimmy oh and by the way I brought eight pounds of gabagool from Polly's Deli in New York Jimmy what's a gablagoo it's lunch meat Now put on some pants will ya come on in chick magnet I guess I'll be heading back to the old hospital [Music] well Jimmy you've been a huge help the tip about Don barzini alone is enough to blow the case wide open when you take them down tell them I said yo I sure will now listen between you and me how do you like it up here in the great mild North don't ask what if I told you that as a reward for your cooperation the bureau is willing to relocate your family what that's right Jimmy to sunny California really what did you say California are you serious the details are right in here I'll take you and Cheech down to the North Dakota field office for processing and the family can meet us in California you hear that we're gonna be Americans again but wait I was just getting to like it here the schools are better the medical care is top-notch and I just finished building my first igloo in the backyard pipe down Petey you can build plenty of googey ghouls in California hang on Petey might have a point is it right to keep moving the kids around like homeless gypsies let's get them whoa [Music] chick magnets giving you a six bedroom house a full cable package and a job as a nude beach lifeguard are you sure you don't want to stay in Canada Jimmy I'm positive California's got sunshine no snow and unfitted access to burritos my hands are tied here well then I suppose this is goodbye really I never hugged a cop before unless I was stabbing them in a way you have stabbed me Jimmy right through the heart geez all right you're crying now no no my incision became severely infected when I left the hospital to meet you last night that's what you get for ignoring Dr zores anyway I'll send you a postcard it'll have my new name on it Jimmy Gonzalez please [Music] I got a replacement for money bear that piece of crap's gonna fool Gina where's the dollar sign on the front I'll sew it on but first we gotta age it to look like money bear what's he look like I need details I don't know ask Petey I can he'll say mother honesty is the best policy and get us all killed wait it had an eye missing good good so we'll probably have one of the son of a bitch's eyes which one think I had it but you slapped it out of me [Music] well igloo in saying goodbye to you I'm also saying farewell to Canada yeah we're leaving right now don't sweat it they don't suspect a thing oh I'm not telling you where they are you'll send guys to whack em and I don't get my million dollar Bounty see you in Fargo you bring the money I'll bring the falcones God I hate Canada in my pants all right boys let's head off to your new life so long cook next time you see me we'll be in sunny California and I'll be selling oranges at the off ramp in a leopard print Farm you take good care of my Jimmy okay of course I will it's not like I'm gonna get him across the border put a bullet in his head and sell him to the Mob or anything thank you call McCool searching for my stool would you like me to book a colonoscopy [Music] foreign agent McCool's special here slow down I'm on morphine so I'm having trouble following who's this again it's Petey Rick chick magnet is taking Dad and cheats to the Mob sick Rick magnet what are you calling me for you think you're so cool you aren't cool try morphine this is awesome this isn't chick magnet it's hey kid I tell you if I try this morphine junk when I was your age I never would have become a cop I'd have become a jazz dancer Savannah did I ever tell you how mummy supported us when Daddy left the men she brought home we called them my uncles no Uncle I won't fix you a drink get your own damn highball you filthy pervert what am I gonna do dad's gonna die help [Music] I'm bored are We There Yet hey let's play I Spy what are you six take it easy chick magnet just kidding all right I'll go first I spy with my little eye something that's gonna get slaughtered what see a truck full of lambs oh right good one I'll try again I spy with my little eye dead meat oh mate no no there's some roadkill over there yeah one more I spy with my little eye two Wise Guys who are gonna get whacked all right you're freaking me out what relax it's just Martin scorsese's new movie we are so seeing that hey Cheech teach oh he fell asleep laughs [Music] mommy you don't have to turn on the red light wow what a trip won't be doing that again oh look Petey called thundering Thunder Bay Jimmy foreign horse Jimmy's in trouble [ __ ] Canada where friendship prompts infection every time [Music] okay now we run him through the dryer a bunch of times to make him look old can't do this I can lie to you and pop but Gina she's got those eyes they burn right through ya don't you fall apart in me now if this doesn't look exactly like money man you and me are going to California in a fine box what the hell are they talking about money bear for he's right down yeah what are they so freaked out about you're out when I say you could have a lot of fun with this [Music] look at that Fremont kimson will be in the good old us of a first thing I'm gonna do is get me some poutine and a bottle of maple syrup hey get a load of McCool gee rice are you kidding me let us go which fit him best for us at least [Music] I can't hear you I'll Skype you from Cali yo chick magnet relax he's just trying to say goodbye again pull over screw that you're under my jurisdiction now technically not for two more Kims we're alive Jimmy you know what this means seat belts actually work I'm gonna call you crazy bastard what are you doing oh run run what's he saying rum rum poor bastard needs a drink I know the feeling quit fooling around this guy needs help oh God could you possibly be more dancing I'm trying to kill you you stupid [ __ ] but what about Calif oh [Music] why the hell are you trying to kill us you're a Fed I'd explain but I hate it when bad guys stand around telling their plan when they could just kill the hero I'm a lot of things but a hero ain't one of them do you ever washed your feet hey Jimmy if I drop my pants do I get a piggyback too between you and me my nuts are like ice cubes I know I know I'm cold too oh I mean all the time we need to find shelter hey maybe this is Howard Johnson's out here how about that old Bond I bet that joint don't even have cable [Music] still looks good as new I'll warm up the car we'll run over his head a couple times who said it's not gonna run over Gina how are you little sis what's behind your back what oh nothing all right now you got me curious and when I get curious I like answers you know how I like to get answers Theresa how the hard way [Music] poor guy's turning blue we gotta find something to start a fire don't waste your time he knew this was a one-way ride come on Cheech the guy risked his life to save my ass after I treated him like a jerk which makes him a huge pushover but still way I see it if he dies we can survive on him for weeks he's built like Conan the Barbarian not the weird redhead on TV Cheech I'm hungry too but we're not eating McCool get a fire going you work nights as an awesomest should be a cinch look for anything that'll burn forget it Jimmy we're all gonna freeze in here wait I know this ought to burn for a while changed your mind nah the tag was chafing me [Music] so you threw out money bear you got any idea why I call him money bear oh cause I keep money in him that's why I had three grand in there hey where's Mom dad's in trouble now let's have a little talk about how I'm gonna get my money back I'm not the one you want it's my it's much dragged me into this oh sure I get it you was just an innocent bystander oh God I'm so sorry Gina I'll get your money I promise whatever it takes just don't hurt all right seeing as your family I'll cap The Vig at three percent and let this be a lesson to you don't keep no secrets from me easiest three grand I ever made what it looks like get up to your room you're grounded ah crap that's it she's grounded getting you didn't say a word about throwing out a stupid bear what am I gonna incriminate myself oh that's great I owe her a bunch of money and you got off with nothing Well kid I'm a mob wife I got an instinct for dodging bullets how much into it for anyway I don't know how many dollars are in three percents [Music] I can't take this no more we gotta fight back our first mistake was not bringing guns wait a sec McCool might have a gun ah I'm weird what are you doing passing the time don't help comes eat at find something to make clothes we're going outside hey we could have just burnt this stuff all right chick magnet get him up get him up you sound like a no-good cop let's eat them hands Sheriff oh you making fun of me nah just kidding around officer spit it out you saying I gotten soft oh I'm saying I'd have shot the guy already oh yeah thank you how's that you miss the old snowman decoy trick works every time except in summer you're a disgrace chick magnet turning your back on your badge for a few lousy bucks more like a million bucks Jimmy what me and chicha worth a million bucks to the Mob just for you for teacher get a coffee maker oh I went up I used to be worth a three pack of tube socks the only coffee you'll be Brewing will be in prison chick magnet McCall you're alive now who am I gonna have for lunch you're a humble shirt and pants fire was enough to temporarily spur my immune system Jimmy now let's see how your immune system handles a hot lead injection donkey dong [Music] [Applause] horse good boy give them hell horsey stop it horse you're only stomping lifeless pulp hop on boys no sense riding on an empty stomach let's roast up to G-Man before we go enough [Music] for me I got a craving [Music] Katie told us what happened are you boys okay everyone's fine despite being chased by a lunatic out for personal gain funny same thing happened to me and Teresa but why let one Rogue Federal agent ruin the big move to California about that cookie it appears the chick magnet engineered the whole thing I know what a bastard but we're still going right right sorry cook Jesus [Music] well McCool I guess you ain't getting rid of us that easy I suppose not I must thank you Jimmy you went above and beyond to keep me alive I just burned a shirt off my back it was none no Jimmy it was proof you'll like me you'll really like me well I should get back to hospital the infection is starting to take hold again let's cook them like a Christmas ham are you doing I'm Jimmy Falcone I used to be part of a crime family in New York and like any father I wanted to see if my son was cut out for the family business but you can't just jump into extortion racketeering and murder you gotta take baby steps see that guy delivering papers on your block your Turf don't you want a piece of that action go there you go look out he's supposed to beat the kid up and take his money what's he doing he's working Jimmy makes me sick okay so we find someone weaker build the kids confidence see that old deadbeat he's behind on his payments take care of him my first assault was an old guy too look at him this is humiliating ow what the hell what's this about you grooming Petey to take over the family business what no I can't believe picked him over me it's not like that fine one day I'm gonna stop my own crew and I will bury you fat man anyhow I realize PD wasn't cut out for Gangster oh [ __ ] Sherlock but hey now that I live in Regina and work in an office maybe my son will finally follow in my footsteps actually pop I'm gonna be a physicist yeah right like you could ever be a gym teacher forget about it let me tell you something about a friend of arson and Jimmy I made the wise guy and a couple with a gun beanie but when we found out that they'd be whacking Uncle ditch they take the bus he threw him from the 19th Floor Suite he wasn't much alone till the marble once in dead so Jimmy had no choice about to talk at all the pets the fans who say they helped if they could use him as a pawn so he rented out his friends and moved through Saskatchewan forget about it forget about it oh forget about it drive to be trying what's it look like I'm doing give him purse okay there's definitely a wall on your right side screw it no go on foot go on without me leave me to die oh come on come on a case of beer I can't believe you left me back there to die we didn't make it it's closed kill me now Jimmy please [Music] hey McCool when I agreed to move to Canada nobody told me the government controls the liquor they also control gambling medical marijuana and heroin injection sites no matter what your Vice Canada's got you covered why can't I get a freaking bottle of booze after 9 pm Jimmy the days of drive-through liquor at alcoholic enabling prices are behind you mother Canada is here to save you from yourself but Canada where no one has fun after 9 pm except in Quebec I'll cheer up one night without a few drinks ain't gonna kill you that ain't the point nobody tells me when I can and can't enjoy a drink well looks like mother Canada just did you big baby screw this I got an idea back in prohibition days how did people get booze Mama Used To Blow Sailors for a bottle of gin which way to the docks [Music] for the last time I didn't take it cheap gold-plated earrings that are only worth six bucks at the pawn shop it's not that it's my report card I'm acing all my classes straight D's except I got this one F you're failing PE damn Jim I thought PE was a bathroom break anyway if I fail I fail the 11th grade coach says the only way I can pass it to sign up for an intramural sport if you ask me the only sport we're signing up for is hockey it's got speed blades and fighting I don't know you all right get up right side after you fail you and P can be in the same grade yeah you can be Lair Partners sharing a locker eating lunch at the nerd table play hockey ah but it's gonna suck to have three periods [Music] you boys do realize the liquor store is open again we don't need them no more mother Canada can blow me well don't come crying to me you're freaking that crap makes you go blind Jimmy if we do go blind can I get a monkey foreign now we don't gotta throw all this out [Music] oh [ __ ] try it out loud I am getting sick of you two sitting around drinking beer all day you want to be bums go do it in the garage we can't cause the garage is full of beer oh oh well could you at least quit using our living room as your own personal Clubhouse why are you getting on a Case cook we ain't hurting no one oh no what about the example you're setting for the kids nah they know better than to sit around drinking like degenerates what are you looking at old man you wanna fight I'll [ __ ] fight yeah [Music] I don't know why I didn't think of this place sooner it's right next door and no one's lived here for months it's gonna be perfect our own personal Clubhouse I always wanted to have a man cave it wasn't you know an actual cave okay let's fun events you mean skating and teamwork nah forget all that first off both ends of your stick come in handy see it's easy to make that one look accidental if you're keeping up appearances now later when you're not it's called Shady do this on the street you get five months God I love this game [Music] once we get power we should put in a big screen TV and a jukebox and a bubble machine Jimmy nothing says man cave like a bubble machine I thought this place was empty it's supposed to be come on hey maybe it's one of them polterghosts you mean Geist what the hell is a geista ghost ah there's nothing here how's it going eh who the hell are you and what are you doing in our clubhouse hey Mike that's Ricky and this year's Kenny thanks for giving me one of my beers it's ghost being hell Jimmy Let It Go something tells me you're not the new owners well no we smell fresh brewed door was open the mat said welcome would have been kind of rude not to come in you know well you guys are still trespassing come on fellas let's go find a snow bank where we can drink in peace until the cops come don't worry Kenny we'll find a warm place to drink this amazing beer really you guys like it like it it's the best it's even better than what you get at the beer store and I bet around here we wouldn't have to worry about being cut off because we're all intoxicated or cause they're closed I know what that's like you know what make yourself at home boys cheers fellas Welcome to our club when men are free to do whatever they wanna do what the hell are you doing Cheech I'm taking a dump on the floor freedom okay we'll keep the party going until you guys get back okay nice budget guys hey McCool what are you doing here I felt bad about denying you and cheaters alcoholic Tendencies the other night so I'm here to show you that we Canadians still know how to have a good time but not a long time I have to work tomorrow sorry but cool we're drunk out we've been partying with our neighbors all night great did he leave those are hosers what the hell's a HOSA allow me to Enlighten you with this National film Board of Canada educational film [Applause] s has proven himself a Survivor this Meek creature got his name from having to flood or hose the ice after losing each hockey game the hosa's inability to attract breeding Partners has resulted in a steep decline in its population their struggle for survival is compounded by encroaching subcultures of Emos metrosexuals and white people who like hip-hop today sightings of this plaid shirt had nincompoop of the north are increasingly rare for more information on the hoser contact the Heritage protection Council of Canada or visit your local beer store gentlemen we are in the presence of a Wonder of nature that was excellent It's Too Cold my ankles hurt I can't do hockey yes you can just can the other teams a bunch of crazy broads at a shoe sale now get in there and take what's yours hey how'd I do not bad next time don't hold back [Music] okay this game is called brewski roulette one of these beers is loaded so you randomly pick one and open it near your face [Music] oh yeah yeah [Music] oh no no no no this next game is Choice okay so like you take your nickel eh you put her between your cheeks okay and you get a clench on right and you just like you know give her yeah and that ladies and gentlemen is how you play bum darts we have much to learn from your people um that's cheating [Music] foreign that's it you're a growing girl [Music] [Applause] now we're having fun [Music] see you later cook we'll be next door eh again that's the third night this week I know eh but for the first time since we moved here I met some fellas I can really relate to look at yourself you can't walk two steps without breaking into a sweat yes smell like the floor of a saloon and if you say hey one more time without meaning the first letter of the alphabet I'll twist your nuts off I could still go right laughs come on cookie I'm just going over there for a quick round of bum dots Jesus it's worse than I thought that's not what you think it's just a fun little game Jimmy think back to the old life when you are hanging around the club with your friends did you guys ever play games that involved your butts hmm now you put it like that it sounds all kinds of wrong warm up the TV I'm staying in but first I gotta throw out all our nickels [Music] oh hello you must be one of Teresa's many many boyfriends kitty it's me have we met before I can't quite place you well better get back to the books nice meeting you oh oh my God what's happening to me hey Jimmy just ignore them and they'll go away what's the opposite of ignore because that's what I'm about to do what are you idiots doing I'm trying to watch TV with my wife and you're breaking my windows we just want you to come over Jimmy Kenny got fireworks we're gonna set him off in the house normally I'd bust your head open but you get a pass because you're mentally challenged take off your dress lady and come party with some real men eh all right I'm wanting you now and you only get one that's it oh Jimmy I can't allow you to assault these gentlemen what the hell are you doing I reported the hoser citing to the Heritage protection Council of Canada and they have proclaimed this land to be a national preserve a protected domain for the endangered hoser peoples are you freaking serious I'm as serious as an attema goyen film oh I think he just called Jimmy a gonad they're here to stay Jimmy and you I'm afraid are trespassing what excuse me check out these birthday candles from Rome the Kenny gave me and it ain't even my birthday oh that's March I think that's the last one those Romans know how to party look at these freeloaders living off the government like a bunch of War widows those stinking widows get all the breaks [Music] ow what the hell hi pop baby what are you doing up there I'm observing the neighbors for an anthropology paper hosers in the Mist I've collected fascinating data on their nesting patterns I'm hoping to analyze a sample of their droppings some of them droppings are mine how long you been up there this is day six you're hiding up a tree spying on three men is that something I need to know about your kid no but could you empty my pee jug [Music] tell these morons to turn their music down I wish I could Jimmy but Canadian classic rock from the 80s is their cultural Birthright would you tell an Indian not to Bang a Drum a Quebec or not to eat poutine an Alberta not to marry his cousin but my parents were cousins no wait siblings hey Jimmy I got someone who wants to say hi looking good Mike all right if we can't touch these guys we're just gonna have to drive them out you want me to get the car no I want you to turn on the hose let the ice related injuries begin uh Cheech give me a hand here yeah sure Jimmy whoa ow hey wow oh wow Jimmy how the hell are you staying on your feet the old beer cap on the boot what a noble people they use every part of the beer all right we're gonna cut their power because if I gotta listen to raise a little Hell by Troopa one more time I'm going on a shooting spree bastards time to play hardball nothing drives people out like good old toxic waste that's probably what drove my third wife away yeah cheeks toxic waste in your Brooklyn apartment Beauty eh it's like the Northern Lights Landing beer I'll get the Ken Mitchell that one of us has got to go so here's the deal one game abrusky roulette Mano ahoso if I win you guys move away and never come back oh you're honey but if we win we get your house my house all right fine either way I get you moocs out of my life see you tomorrow tomorrow and don't get cold feet oh we will I can't even feel my feet what are you doing you should be shooting up for the big game I'm not playing I'm out I already got my PE credit are you kidding you're asking I ain't letting you throw away my big chance your chance how is this about you shut up and put on your skates Frankenstein if you like hockey so much why don't you play because they won't let me I don't want to give you the Gory details because there's a lot of them but I got banned from hockey forever apparently the only blades you can use are the ones in your States oh Gina I had no idea why would you you're as dumb as a post but you're sure to shine on that ice what a waste maybe I got one more game in me you do for you I do it's just the Moose Jaw milk maze bunch of farmers daughters I'll cream them for you you're the best sis all right cut it out your Beard's scratching me [Music] according to the official rules of brewski roulette scratched in the bar at Jerry's Tavern in Thunder Bay three beers in the case are loaded first one to spray two beers in his face loses eh sounds legit I mean no have you lost your freaking mind you bet not a house on a stupid drinking game I won't let you do it shut up you drunken mooch cookies are right they're baiting you Jimmy you can't win hosers always think three beers ahead I gotta do this I can't live this way no more also I'm kind of thirsty nice one Jimmy oh okay no just uh false alarm [Music] it's down to four beers two beers Jimmy Two some cools [Music] you've been hosed not so fast I wanted to study the effects of imported beer on hoser physiology everyone knows a genuine hoser's body will reject any beer that isn't brewed in Canada you've been drinking American Beer you hosers or posers [Music] and we won that may be the case but you will no longer enjoy the protective Embrace of the Heritage protection Council of Canada posers are endangered but goofball outs like you are a dime a dozen you boys are on your own good day hey well Jimmy looks like you better start packing that was pathetic I can't believe you lost who knew the most jar milk Maids would be so freaking tough oh look at that hot chicky I'd sure like to slip a puck past her goalie what did you say ah finally disposed of that toxic waste Jimmy yeah yeah that's it toxic waste [Music] finally it's about freaking time I get to tell my story in case you're deaf blind or not into smoking hot chicks I'm Theresa Falcone when I was younger I used to love bring your daughter to work day but guys at Dad's work was so much fun it was Frankie no fingers such a klutz but boy could he thumb wrestle and Johnny calculator used to help me with my counting homework see Teresa x minus y equals z I'm supposed to be doing math not spelling and Freddy Chuckles was always good for a laugh hey Teresa it smelled my flower [Music] I never saw those guys again now that we're living in Regina I really miss the guys from Pop's work what happened to them nothing they just got froze out of the business what was that Daddy nothing forget about it but you just said yeah I said forget about it let me tell you something about a friend of ours named Jimmy I made the wise guy and the couple with a gun beanie but when we found out that they'd be whacking Uncle ditch they take the bus he threw him from the 19th Floor Suite it wasn't much alone till the marble wants him dead so Jimmy had no choice about to talk at the wall the beds the fans would say they helped if they could use him as a pawn so he read about his friends and moved through Saskatchewan forget about it forget about it anything yet little Mark all right that's perfect gangster TV all gangsters all the time good job kid now get down here but be careful it's slippery what's all the rackets yeah I can barely hear myself think what was I thinking about boobs everybody get in here I'm gonna be on TV you're gonna be on TV it's like I'm living with John Stamos over here I never been on TV before unless they were calling me a possible suspect what alleged perpetrator it made me so proud Jimmy you think look at Bobby De Niro to play you or someone sexy like that froggy face guy from Aerosmith he's a guy I've been whacking off to him for years no it's a documentary I'll be playing myself next on gangster TV Jimmy Falcone Diary of a dirty snitch what Jimmy Falcone was a capo in the gambini crime family until this self-serving scumbag killed his boss and sold out his Bob cronies sold out every gutter King needs his Queen so Jimmy married farmer stripper cookie DeFazio this good time floozy latched onto Jimmy like a pitbull on a trailer park toddler foreign but Jimmy had a fatal flaw who went by the name of Cheech an idiot Man Child who's fumbling almost got them all killed can't argue there I can't watch anymore they made us look like scumbags hey it wasn't so bad they got our names right ah who am I kidding it was a smear job we want scumbags were we Jimmy Remember The Classy people who used to come by the house Joey Dirtbag Larry the pimp Holly the pornographer back home way was like royalty oh you'll always be royalty to me cook now come on let's go fish the dead rats out of the septic tank oh that's for calling me a man child today I won a juice box [Music] big news from student council president Petey Wayne Gretzky High has sponsored an endangered polar bear after global warming tragically melted his Ice Flow blumpkin was forced to swim for five months no home no food no hope for the few quit it I'm trying to make a speech here but no longer because our money will help blumpkin find a new flow Petey did you slash the prom committee budget to pay for this poodle bear not yet I haven't well you better not we have a big wish list this year glad to see we're being reasonable I love big alone holy crap you didn't sponsor it you bought it ew that teddy bear stinks that's not the bear [Music] attention everyone I have a very important announcement so I need everyone's undivided attention please listen carefully to every word I say Regina what are those gangster TVs think they are I'd like to go over there and teach them a lesson they won't forget that two-bit hack job you showed about my family made my wife cry now say hello to my little friend [Music] they'll never see that one coming uh Jimmy did you get all that what oh sure sure every last bit so your clear will be hosting a VIP yup VIP most valuable player got it Jimmy you Kidder it's very important person for security reasons we will only refer to the VIP by their secret code name spotted dick I need you to get in touch with spotted dicks people and tell them where the dinner is okay say is this VIP important enough that if they was to come to dinner my wife would be impressed oh she'd be more than impressed Jimmy offset Jimmy McDougall from Regina tourism tell spotty dick the dentist at one two three Jim Carrey Lane and tell the VIP it's BYOB [Music] [ __ ] guess what flowers what are you bringing me flowers for who just sleep with I'll kill it then I'll kill you then I'll Mount both your heads on stage to teach the kids what we do with cheetahs sorry Jimmy I'm still upset about that stupid movie well I got just the thing we're having a VIP over for dinner just like the good old days oh Jimmy what's the matter with you you invite someone for dinner you don't tell me who the hell is this VIP anyway yes sir I'm here Jimmy regarding the dinner for spotted dick Oh So McCool knows about it why am I the last one to know anything around you why are you getting so mad what's the big deal [Music] just a second hun okay the big deal is I haven't cleaned there ain't a thing in the fridge and look at me my hair's a disaster don't worry we'll order in and you're here I don't know what to tell you what the hell is that supposed to mean you saying I got bad hands Jimmy cookie shush stay out of this McCool cook I didn't say you got bad hair I just said you don't got no time to do nothing about it oh so now I'm fat and lazy you believe this jag off oh cook relax why you gotta get so personal none of us is 22 anymore oh so now I'm old let me tell you something you fat sack of [ __ ] I beg your pardon what is this 123 Jim Carrey Lane your majesty if I may your majesty holy [ __ ] the VIP is the queen of freaking England your majesty my apologies you were given the wrong address now if you'll just follow me nonsense officer I'm in the right place and I'd rather like to see how this turns out thanks for getting the old broad here in one piece let me give you the Royal tour this is the grand for you that's the blue drawing room and the throne's just down the hall if you need it be a pal and light a match when you're done ain't that the broad on the 20. you are correct it is we you want to sign this for me and these cool what the hell are you still doing here what am I doing here the question of the day nay the question of the century is what is the queen doing here hey don't look at me with a code name like spotted dick it could have been anyone in Hollywood Jimmy do you have any idea of the vast importance of this dinner Canada's place in the Commonwealth of Nations rests on tonight speak American Jimmy do bad all right now we're communicating Jimmy do bad how the Commonwealth is a collection of countries loyal to her majesty the queen you mean that old broad owns a whole collection of countries I don't you think she dressed better yes you would but recent austerity measures have forced her to cut one nation from the Commonwealth word is it's either going to be Canada or Tonga Tonga is that where they make the trucks no it's a country in the South Pacific the odds are against us and you're making them worse they have coconuts Jimmy coconuts telling me the Falcons aren't good enough for some stuffy Queen hmm that's exactly what I'm telling you at the very least try to be classy hey no problemo we got classy coming out the freaking Wazoo here I can't believe the fate of Canada rests on what comes out of your wazoo [Music] well blumpkin I think you're a hit the kids all love you except maybe for stumpy who should have known better than to get so close to your cage you're feeding him baby seals they were out of baby dolphin dolphin what about Frog who cares about prom pumpkins on the endangered list horny teenagers are not you're gonna be endangered if you spend all the prom money there's only one way to settle this President Petey will put it to a vote don't worry blumpkin the students will do the right thing after all who couldn't love that face ew not that face the other one [Music] a drink fits for royalty hmm what's in it Crown Royal and Royal cooler just gotta kick like a [ __ ] mule ooh my perhaps we should cut cocktail hour short and go straight to dinner we will as soon as the pizza gets here Splendid we'll just wait for the pizza yo Queen scooch down make room for The Uninvited Guest thank you officer ma'am Gina we got company maybe our guest would like to wear the pepperoni king crown what are you kidding Bob she's a queen she got plenty of crowns don't you you heard your father young lady fine here throw it on the pile no no no no one always waits for the queen to dine first sure sure this gravel's life it looks delicious but I rarely eat these events all right then more for me watch a [ __ ] man is in front of a queen so you're honest you and James Bond still keep in touch and uh how do I give me one of them relations Is The Guild there's no such thing as a license to kill oh so they'd have you think Jesus Petey you smell like a slaughterhouse I never thought I'd say this but I had a long day bludgeoning seals who is this person this is my boy Petey Petey this is the queen barbaric rituals such as budgeting innocent seals cast a dim light on Canada's future in the Commonwealth oh I'm sure it seems cruel to an entitled Monarch like yourself but I gotta polar bear to feed your irrelevance Jimmy a word no this evening is a total disaster you're serving pizza Petey just insulted the queen and you're not even wearing shoes how can I put this so you'll understand say this was The Godfather which part because if you mean three I don't want to talk about it Jimmy Focus think of the queen as Vito Corleone and your Fredo holy crap so she's like a Don Jimmy for Canada she's the dawn of all Dons well you think someone would have mentioned she's a very important person Don lives I just been informed of your importance to the organization and I want to offer my most humble apologies you may rise look we've been acting like a bunch of morons why don't we start over and I'll show you how we entertain a person of your statue break out the grandpa Jimmy I don't think this is a good idea these good people have opened their home to me and I would like to enjoy their Hospitality your magic enough of your blabbering and hectoring Away with you you heard the broad away with you yes ma'am hello Tonga police are you accepting resumes [Music] oh [Music] so your majesty will Prince Harry be joining us I don't know my dear let me call him really certainly not got you oh my let me get this straight your family's been in power for like a hundred years did you pull that off sometimes one must rule with an iron fist spoken like a true Tyrant spell good like a true new buddy Iron Fist no fingerprints you sure you ain't from Brooklyn [Music] foreign [Music] what the hell happened last night I can't feel my tongue I can't hear you on a counter all this pounding I got this nagging feeling something bad happened I gotta tell you pop as far as I'm concerned the Queens are kind of people oh crap the queen remember when teaching her did the Lambada who knew she could go so low remember when she knighted us the ceremony was a lot like getting made only more blood remember what you look at him Palace Palace on the ghost group she didn't say evacuating she said some other word she said abdicate it means she quits don't you people [ __ ] read what's that Gina talking my goodie ah yeah hydrant did you quit being a queen last night indeed indicated last night's revelries finally opened my eyes I wish to live out the rest of my days as a what do you call it again a regular snook precisely nice going Fredo [Music] hey McCool hey hey the Queen of England is abdicating her throne and all you can say is hey what we had a few too many last night no good for you and now we're on the verge of an international crisis she's the queen she can't just leave the royal family not until she dies whoa she really is like a Don if word gets out that she's here this house will be sworn with news cameras I need you to take care of her until we can figure something out got it I'll take care of her no Jimmy just keep her in the house keep her happy and above all keep her out of sight understood what's that for looking after the dawn ain't cheap keep it coming [Music] why did I look why did I look ew you have a gentle touch James my pleasure you high bull why did I look why did I look I'm Royal taste up I gotta tell you this ain't good James James oh so now sir Jimmy too good for my cookies [Music] Jimmy what's this you robbed the jewelry store without me nah the old broads got me polishing the jewels what like you ain't thinking about it right now cut it out ah you're no fun really Cheech really get out of here come on she ain't gonna miss one little necklace yes she will now scram just let me try on one Jimmy no I'm responsible for these anything goes missing the queen said she'd lock me in a tower now you're not even trying Cheech who is this Cheech of what you speak all right everybody out no one comes in this room hmm just giving it the old spit shine [Music] it's time to vote all in favor of saving this most majestic and endangered creature raise their hands All In fish saving prom ISE dude what do I do sometimes one must rule with an iron fist I exist you elected me to lead and lead I shall screw the problem I'm canceling it for your own good get out of here where'd you get pitchforks and torches violent Roshan is very on [Music] all right boys do your business I can't believe this I went my whole life without having to clean up after a dog yeah look at a bright side at least it's a small dog now keep smiling he wasn't so connected I put a [ __ ] bullet in you Liz I can't do this no more whatever are you talking about James look I know you think living like a snook is all good times but you gotta get back to your old life before someone and I'm not naming any dogs gets hurt but for the first time in years I feel like I can breathe new schedules no International crises new bucktooth politicians looking for a Pat in the back from a substitute mother figure come on lose you to Queen of freaking England you could snap your fingers and get room to breathe my subjects expect so much of me James yeah well sometimes you got to make sacrifices for the good or great greater good yeah that's the one look at me I gave up my whole life for the sake of my family no you didn't you ran like a scared little snitch to save your red ass go to your room I'm already going snitch all I'm saying is sometimes you gotta give the people what they want even if it means giving up what you want all right all right I'll give them their goddamn prom get off my freaking back James you your son appears to be angry and bleeding ah teenagers what are you gonna do in any case thanks to your arousing speech I Have Decided to return to my Royal duties yes hello Tonga Police I'd like to cancel my interview tomorrow no now you tell me the precinct has an ocean view [Music] prom was the right thing to do y'all blumpkin besides Hawaiian luau is so overdone so what's gonna happen to blumpkin after tonight he's going to live out his days at the Winnipeg zoo in an 8x10 cage with all the antidepressants he can handle but I thought you cared about him you wanted a prom you got a prom leave it at that in the meantime he really adds to the atmosphere don't you think [Music] for a movie popcorn's on me [Music] I recently spent some time with a delightful Canadian family the mcdougals their Grace gentility and dare I say class reaffirms my commitment to keeping Canada firmly in the Commonwealth suck on those coconuts Tonga did you hear that Jimmy she said we was classy yeah but she said the mcdougalls not the Falcons don't worry the McDougall saves Canada one of the freaking Falcons do for us lately well they did get gangster TV booted off the air due to low ratings there's still one tiny problem after the press conference the queen failed to show up at her hotel any idea where she could be Jimmy said you needed some Breathing Room how do you like them apples breathtaking that would be my ride thank you Francesco and farewell give me a call will you go Miss you're gonna call me a what never mind oh well I'll always have rejoice good evening my name is Peter McDougall at least it is now I have also been called a geek a nerd a geeky nerd a nerdy geek and a geeky geeky nerd nerd but for most of my life I've been known as Petey Falcone son of Jimmy Falcone one of New York's most notorious Mobsters but despite what you may have read about my father he's actually been a very loving man who would do anything for his family strike three you're out I mean but then one day the mob turned against him as Mobsters are prone to do and they didn't care if they got any of us in the process but he protected his family and heroically helped convict some of the most horrible men in the country all of whom were at my communion and that's how we wound up here in witness protection in Regina vagina Saskatchewan and if any of you think this story wasn't just one humongous rationalization forget about it let me tell you something about a friend of Arsen and Jimmy I made the wise guy and the couple with a gambini but when we found out that they'd be working Uncle teach they take the bus he threw him from the 19th Floor Suite it wasn't much alone till the marble once in dead so Jimmy had no choice about the bucket while the beds the fans who say they heard that they could use him as a pawn so he rested out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan forget about it forget about it oh forget about it [Music] I got here as soon as I could Jimmy what seems to be the problem I miss Pizza I beg your pardon foreign you made it sound like an emergency it is see I'm in his weekly poker game and the guys order these pies like ketchup on cardboard and not the good kind so I was shooting my mouth off and promise to show him real pizza so I'm kind of committed you should be committed and where do you intend to get these pies that's the beauty part I know this place back home best pizza outside of Italy and they promised delivery in 30 minutes so they're free so odds are we won't even have to pay I'm sorry no such an order May tip off your enemies as for poker need I remind you of the pitfalls of gambling oh man don't you do anything for fun I absolutely do I [ __ ] I hunt I read I enjoy the occasional Menage à Troi devil in embroidery and crochet but what I don't do is gamble a hundred bucks as you do all right I know your secrets it's time you learned one of mine whoa I don't want to know who you manager 12 with imagine if you will a young McCool aimless directionless muscleless and then he discovered the waiter at first it was just harmless games of gin rummy for a penny a point but soon that wasn't enough it had to be a quarter a dollar a hundred nor did it matter what the game was cards dice ponies pigs why do you look like a hippie if it was the 90s stay on topic Jimmy never in my life had I felt such a rush I was hooked I go on week-long binges and forget to feed horse I put my sainted mother in a home and lost her rent money at the track I turned my track and almost everyone I cared about and they me and I was about to lose the only one I had left don't go without you I have no one you're right I'll never bet again I know I've said this before but this time I mean it yes really and that was the moment I vowed to put my life together the moment I decided to be a mountie and I have not waited a penny since I just got one question what kind of landlord let you keep a horse in your apartment indeed for Canada and flashbacks that remain relevant to the storyline [Music] isn't it a glorious day in Regina the sun is shining the snow is melting one can look out and see endless miles of Wheat and wheat what's up with you Katie's got a girlfriend shut up oh a girlfriend tell me about her her name's Rita they kissed in the parking lot behind Mrs mcgeeby's car shut up ow don't ever tell me to shut up hello yes Petey's here who may say is calling oh Rita Petey speaks so highly of you mother no he speaks highly of us too I'll get the [ __ ] out of here Mom oh what was that for don't ever hit my big brother you little squirts okay thanks Gina that was really Roblox what toolbox uh okay so Rita what are you doing next Sunday would you like to come for family dinner Rita say no run good we can't wait to meet you bye-bye oh did you want to talk to her that's okay I'm gonna go take a bath foreign so sorry to disturb Premiere these documents just arrived from Ottawa for your immediate attention keep your knickers on laddy I'm playing Put them with the others all right Jimmy a Scottish bastard it'll cost you five more if you want to see my cards or do you or do you not have the balls you're not less Lassie I see your five and raise another five bold read them and weep Kings and nines three ladies sounds like my crib every night hey y'all grab a chair McCool we need some fresh blood thank you sir but I don't gamble come on McCool the engine's taking everything we got and how often do you hear that fellas if the man don't gamble the man don't gamble where I come from the only man who don't gamble are ladies well I suppose one hand won't hurt uh Jimmy I'm a little short on cash would you extend a man a small loan you sure you want to do this what about everything you said the other day I've been thinking about that these past few seconds I haven't gambled in almost 15 years clearly a man with a gambling problem couldn't achieve that okay I'll give you a Friendly Loan at 18 but this is business no one's gonna take it easy on you not even me Jimmy if I enter that game it's you and the others I'd be worried about any of boys it's my deal gentlemen I don't even have to look at the cards I look into your eyes and I know what's in your mind you want us to think you made your straight but you never got the nine you made your trip sevens but you don't know if they're good enough you're bluffing with an Ace King High and you're cheating on your wife you're disgusting now I know my ABCs next time won't you sing with me I see you at 10 and raise 10 more what are you doing none just a long blink open your eyes no all right I still think you're bluffing call Full House and finish blink raise 500 and that should send you home Jimmy you just walked into my trap I see your 500 and I raise you 10 000. buddy you're already into me deeper than you want to be what's the matter are you chicken McCool you don't got this one it started strong but now Lady Luck is banging another guy oink oink oink oink coin just walk away [Music] Who you calling a cow all right you got it tasemore Four Kings Four Aces what you owe me 50 Lodge special agent hi hi I don't have it then I'll put you on a plan in the meantime I'll take some collateral no not horse what have I done I tried to warn you buddy now I own you for Canada and yeah I'll just walk them out from here hey Cheech I'm making a list of stuff to ask for from McCool he can't pay us back so he's got to let us do whatever we want what should I put you down for a puppy you don't need my cool for that you can get a puppy anyway can I no because I'd have to walk it and clean up after it I'm thinking more like taking a family on a cruise me included yeah you included who's gonna watch the puppy there is no puppy Jimmy what kind of sad childhood did you have did you hate puppies hi I need your help how do I get Rita out of coming for dinner why do you want to do that because she's Persian and you know how our family is with people who are different from them what's wrong with being Persian everyone loves Paris no not Parisian Persian Iranian from Iran I mean like one of those chicks who straps bombs on her chest and goes into nightclubs I never got that look no that's what I'm talking about that's racist you take that back racism is ugly and I'm pretty mom babies that were racist and I'm pleased to say I am no longer gambling and I'm ready to pay my debt you're a little light the the ATM was out Bank messed up the transfer checks in the mail you don't think we heard these before dog ate it he has a dog oh right I don't have it all but I'm doing the best I can I understand it's a lot of money to get all at once so in law of cash there's a number of favors you can do for us that's blackmail you owe me 50 G's from gambling wanna take that up with your supervisor Jimmy please don't do anything rash I've taken on a whole array of extra jobs I'll get you your money by any means necessary except crime how do you make money without crime indeed now if you'll excuse me I have work to attend I miss you old friend I deserve as much but I shall get you back for Canada oh where these boots are made for walking [Music] are you satisfied with your long distance carrier [Applause] [Music] thank you smile [Music] thank you look what I found at the new staff I don't believe it I know they printed my letter not that that's McCool on the cover I can't believe he'd stood this long for money it's really sad jeez I don't know if I should feel bad for the guy or intimidated there you are did you know your son is ashamed of us what Petey get down here yes pop your mother says you're ashamed of us what the hell is that about okay I'll be honest this girl I like is coming to dinner and she's Middle Eastern and I'm terrified that you one of you most likely you will offend her and she'll come to hate me for it Petey you gotta relax about this stuff when I was growing up in the old neighborhood it was all everything we was all friends it didn't mean nothing we called each other dagos and heebs and mix and n-words you actually used the n-word yeah but only did it faces never behind their backs that would be insensitive something to [ __ ] would do uh you see your father makes good sense mother a turban really it's not a turban it's a towel yeah what's wrong with having a towel head you guys are killing me nobody's killing nobody just let me fish this girl when she gets here no bomb no problem special agent McCool can't come to the door right now please leave a message in the mailbox we know you're in there but cool no you don't he's got a point Jimmy can anyone ever really know anything McCool you can't avoid us it's your job to take care of us my next payment isn't due until tomorrow we ain't here for the money oh in that case may I interest you in some Helen to Carla Cosmetics geez you look like hell have you lost height let me go get my samples I'll be right back look at him Cheech he's a shadow of his former self no dignity no self-respect he's given up on everything he cares about and it's my fault so just saying all right who wants moisturizer I'm cool sit down you know that list of requests we gave you I think we was thinking too small first we like to go visit the old neighborhood Jimmy you know that's impossible then pay up fine I'll work it out also maybe a cruise fine and a puppy fine no Poppy fine come on McCool pull yourself together you're making me feel bad where's our usual back and forth of Tony Banta you know what Jimmy you're right good let's get back to it so if they do another one of those private rocket ships to outer space I think Petey would like that no no to everything it all stops now yeah this is what I like you and me going at it Mambo a mambo now my turn you want me to take this up with your supervisor you don't have to Jimmy I will pay you what I owe you but I will besmirch my uniform no more as of tomorrow I will resign my commission as a mountie holy hell Jimmy look at this I'm talking to a squirrel [Music] I mean you should have seen the guy I know it's hard to imagine but he looked bad real bad it is hard to imagine I never should have lent a guy with a gambling problem all that money and then I pushed him on top of it he's a stand-up guy for a cop he's always been fair to us and we could do a lot worse even his quitting shows a little back baking that's how they say it in Canada Jimmy are you developing a conscience conscience nah I just got this inner sense of right and wrong that's impelling me toward moral action what are you saying I broke him so I gotta fix him I'm gonna let him off the look wipe the Slate clean you really are a lovable teddy bear yeah don't tell anyone Mommy taught I heard you you and Daddy talking through the wallet daddy says he's gonna let someone who owes him money not pay I don't know nothing I'm scared I'm scared oh sweetie there's nothing to be scared of the man owes me more money than he's got and it's destroying him oh sweetie it's a sin to let others suffer oh like a hurt animal then we gotta do the Christian thing and put him out of his misery let's Whack Him ah Gina that's very generous of you Jimmy I would be forever in your debt and so I cannot accept no strings honest and the blackmail stops you can stay a mountain it's more complicated than that to recover from my addiction I have to take responsibility for my actions even if that means doing shameful shameful things and no one's gonna buy that magazine really tell me the truth Jimmy do you find me attractive okay we're not going there isn't there anyone who'd be willing to take help from only a true loved one but I have no siblings daddy left when I was very young and mummy lost her marbles all I had was horse tell you what don't quit your mounting thing just yet give me till the end of the week can you sign this certainly you want a party certainly not well Define party I still don't get it it's simple McCool won't let me forgive his debt so he's just gonna have to find the money on his own he'll give it back to me and everybody's Square I have found a satchel of money on the street it must be returned to its rightful owner what an [ __ ] I can't believe it you try to help a guy and it bite you in the ass well you know what they say try to help a guy and I'd bite you in the ass the funny thing is I still want to figure out a way to help him I'll get it I'll get it hi Petey thanks for inviting me is that her I'll be right out look there's no time to explain just don't judge me by my family and whatever happens I'll protect you and no I have no idea why there's a horse in our living room hi you must be Rita I'm cookie she's adorable she is yes she is come sit dinner will be ready in about 10 minutes so Rita tell me about yourself what would you like to know I don't know what I'd like to know what do your parents do I knew it just because she's from the Middle East you automatically assume her parents must be terrorists or taxi drivers I never said my father is a dentist and my mother is a stay-at-home mom and no it's not because her father will punish her mother if she works thank you very much to all my wives were stay-at-home moms without the kids basically they were leeches your uncle's funny that really just [ __ ] Sarita are you thinking about college yet why because Muslim women aren't allowed to go to school they're just supposed to stay home and be subservient to their man is that what you're asking I give up Jimmy you want to ask her anything okay Rita say something you did is destroying a guy and all you want to do is make peace but he don't want peace he just wants to keep the same old pattern going what do you do what's that supposed to be some warped metaphor of the arab-israeli conflict Rita hi I love what you're wearing what'd you expect you people what she was supposed to show up in a burqa and a turban going oh pity enough can you talk about anything other than my race me race that's it a race yes Petey I'm Persian and that's all you can see but I'm a real person with real feelings and you've done nothing but make me uncomfortable since I got here I'm sorry Mrs McDougall you all seem lovely but I don't think I can stay for dinner either way there's nothing wrong with driving a taxi it's an honest living and yeah I lied my father drives a taxi you dirty racist snob one way or another them Arabs always explode look he won't take the money from me if I just give it to you he'll know it came from me anyway you gotta get this money on your own I know he broke his promise to you when you're mad but he's your best friend and you're all he's got so you can stay mad at him or you can help him his life is in your hands or you can keep bunking with cheats for the rest of your life Wow laughs [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] that's so wrong by a nose [Music] I've never been with a four-legged Rod but I'm open to anything [Music] [Applause] oh please don't kiss please don't kiss how you doing I'm Jimmy McDougall formerly Jimmy Falcon I used to be a big shot in the New York mafia until I turned rat to keep from being wet it wasn't easy turning on my old friends but them turning on me first made it a little easier but the hottest thing I ever had to do was to tell my family we had to go into witness protection so guys I got something important to say you know how all my friends are trying to kill me yes Daddy it's all you ever talk about you really shouldn't bring your work home with you well I was thinking to fix the problem maybe we should leave town what I hate you when I'm blessed Campbell we love it here no freaking way for once I agree with your idiot Uncle no freaking way okay let's move and that's how we came to be living here in vagina Regina Saskatchewan but if you think it's going to keep this family from sticking together forget about it let me tell you something about a friend of ours named Jimmy I made the wise guy and the couple with a gambini but when we found out that they'd be whacking Uncle teach they take the bus he threw him from the 19th Floor Suite it wasn't much alone till the marble once in bed so Jimmy had no choice about to talk at the wall the beds the fans will say they helped if they could use him as a pawn so he read without his friends and moved to Saskatchewan forget about it forget about it oh forget about it okay you Elephant Man your Pony didn't come in you're into me for 500. doll face you've done all right you got three big ones coming this ain't been your week Randy your no show put you in a hole for 10 Lodge and I want something now this just ain't satisfying but in for a penny and for a pound I see no thank you for calling principal Pista gas do you know what your daughter did I just got off with the principal got off with the principal this is serious Gina's suspended for a week apparently she's been selling candy to other kids which is forbidden on school property look I'm sure she has a good reason it was probably just to make money hey Ma guess what I was sent home early for good behavior oh and how do you plan to explain the rest of the week young lady boss did damn straight you busted your principal called no TV for a week pissed again yes you're done uh-huh [Music] Teresa can we have a girl talk of course glad you're finally admitting that you're a girl a guy starts one Twilight fan club and he's branded for life I need help with a girl that girl now if she has bad taste too you got it made I can't even bring myself to talk to her oh that's so sweet to your big sister for advice on love all right Petey I'll have you banging her in no time I was hoping to carry her books but whatever works first thing we need to do is get this girl to know who you are but she can't know the real you or she'd set herself on fire you've got to be strong confident sure of yourself okay strong confident sure of myself you think she'd like that Petey women don't like wimps they want to be swept off their feet by a dominant rock hard son of an oil Baron what just go over there and be aggressive she's yours for the taking I'm strong tough health strong tough Alpha hey what uh love me wow just wow [Music] that's it my entire stash you clean me out no TV for a week young lady never do something like this again you've embarrassed the whole family come on no one's really embarrassed it's just a figment of speech it's not that how am I ever gonna learn to be a no good Hustler If I Ain't Got No Role Models you got me don't you but you're a washed up why stop you know I still got a thing or two I can teach you for example I never would have got caught for moving cheap loot like this whoa whoa this Canadian candy is primo stuff you can't even get this in the states try it first taste is free it's all free we just took it from you oh my God he's choking someone call an ambulance what's 9-1-1 in Canadian holy mother of God that is good it's better than good it's what's a word that means better than good oh what's all this record about a man can't hear his own pornography try this it's Canadian candy I thought Pam Anderson was Canadian candy this this stuff's better than anything we got back home fat Americans are paid through their nose for this stuff hold it hold it I'm getting an idea it's coming it's percolating it's percolating it's dripping dripping got it we'll smuggle this stuff into the states and make a fortune we'll take prohibition to a whole new level all right boys you're off the hook this is the thing I've been looking for something to get my blood flowing what do you think cook um passport see Jimmy I told you bribing the Border guard would be a snap some suspicious looking boxes but there's nothing we can do they're taped shut [Music] ain't it great to be back in the old us of a hey everyone I'm captain candy pants come and get your candy in my buns oh yes yes keep going scram we're taking over this is our turf now but I always look here you're all working for me now you got a problem with that [Music] like taking candy from a baby and then selling it to another baby here's your taste boss the hell you doing in fur coats I told you to keep a low profile you're gonna get us all pinched it's in my wife's name what did I just tell you not too bright but the good Little Learners you know I haven't felt this alive since that day I got stabbed at the racetrack yeah those were good times Mister I'd like four of everything looks good teach give me stuff there you go kid the finest uncut cocoa solids Canada has to offer don't do them all at once thanks but I'm not the one who needs advice we're shutting you dirtbags down freeze food and delicious candy Administration you're under arrest for supply and a weak-willed American populace with treats from a different and therefore inferior country I was framed I'll wait for you Jimmy I can't believe how much this thing vibrates Jimmy [Music] what in God's name is wrong with you I try and I try and I try I play the bad guy I play the good guy every day I wake up and I say today's the day they'll get it but do you no we don't know what more do I have to do I mean really you tell me what more must I do for you to at long last get it I'm not mad I'm disappointed maybe if I can just understand what goes on in those warped little minds of yours why would you risk everything for just a few hundred dollars Jimmy told me to McCool you wouldn't understand try me I miss the action I sit around the house being a dad I go to work and have a job what kind of life is that but something like this it gave me that adrenaline rush I used to get every day in the old life is that all well why didn't you say so Jimmy if you want an adrenaline rush I know just the thing oh foreign [Music] this my friend is action looks more like a bunch of Dusty guys trying to put the moves on farm animals on the surface perhaps but look deeper Jimmy imagine it you're on top of a ball hanging on for dear life your blood is boiling in your veins adrenaline flooding your brain your only thought to best the Beast before he takes your life you don't hear the Roar of the crowd flowering their adulation upon you you can't hear them chanting Jimmy Jeremy Jamie no they're chanting me cool Nicole McCool Jimmy Nicole Nicole 100 bucks says Jimmy Jimmy another hundred says I kick your ass Jimmy I don't gamble for money that's what gambling is but if you insist on humiliating yourself I will wager you for Honor great how much is that an American the loser must in a clear baritone extending from the diaphragm declare that the other is a better man than himself euron I got one question if a man does it to a girl sheep that's not gay right I mean the church is okay with that I don't know I'm not Catholic hello what do you mean hello I've been trying to reach you for two days I figured I'd be your one phone call Cookie calm down McCool was my one phone call they took my cell phone and by the time I got it back I forgot what oh you forgot I already told the kids you were dead Gina your father's alive put his cigars back where you found him I just can't catch a break hello is this the guy who said and I quote I never would have got caught for moving cheap loot like this well you did get caught and now I'm smoking all your cigars and that's what you get for cutting me out of my own scam cookie who was that Jimmy the whole family's going to hell in a hand basket because of you look cook I'm sorry I'll be home as soon as I can but I'm at a rodeo and I got a proof to McCool that I'm a better man than myself could you just say you're at a strip joint you fat [ __ ] what did she say the usual I'm not sure about this Theresa Petey really this is how you have to dress if you want girls to notice you it just feels a little busy listen dum-dum I watch a show called The Way of the pickup and the guy who hosts it Enigma says if you want to get the girls you gotta dress like a schizo freak it's called peacocking well I refuse to follow the advice of some perverted charlatan my dignity is too important he's been with 482 different women should I add a top hat okay Petey Enigma says that ninety percent of becoming a successful pickup artist is learning to overcome your fear of rejection and to do that you need to get rejected a lot Teresa I could write a book about being rejected in fact I have but it was rejected you're gonna ask out every girl who walks past you and you're gonna get rejected so many again but what if one of them accepts Petey if you're not gonna take this seriously back off [ __ ] those shoes are mine excuse me ma'am would you like to go on a date hello there miss you look lovely today excuse me but I I couldn't help but notice oh Teresa's right this isn't so bad who cares if they don't like me it's very freeing I'm a bad weather do you think I have pretty eyes I masturbate all the time all the time hey you want to play with my boa why yes I would young man ah I'm sorry I didn't see you there it's okay honey I saw you it very sexy ah you sure you want to go through with this McCool I'm not gonna go easy on you it's not my style so I'll give you one last chance to back out McCool's don't back out Jimmy they thrust in okay it's your funeral I just got one question what's with these freaking pants me I like them I enjoy the draft [Applause] yeah yeah yeah [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] yay [Music] Jimmy you okay I can't take it no more Cheech my face is cut my muscles are torn my ribs are cracked and there's no skin left on my ass you saying you're giving up Jimmy you can you'd have to tell McCool he's a better man plus you can still win because the bull riding's worth more points than all the other events combined how's that for exposition I don't know maybe I can pull it together for one more event watch this Jimmy no hands and it's a new world record straight McCool is the toughest most manliest man in the in the world [Applause] we're cool yes I can't watch this you are the better man than I thank you Jimmy it takes a big man to say that and I think it's safe to say you found the action you were looking for oh and one more thing I found something I believe is yours hey Jimmy he just handed you your ass I clobbered him Pops Pops what was the rodeo like huh what what if that Copper's stupid face look like when he saw you're the biggest baddest guy out there did you ride the horse like this huh or like this oh well you know I pretty much just rolled the horse the normal horse riding way wow I started to think that maybe you'd lost all your moves that you've gone soft you know but you sure showed me cool didn't you Pops yeah I sure did too bad you couldn't have been there to see it because turns out I did so well so perfected it that they decided there will never have to be another Rodeo ever again anywhere ever [Music] thank you so much for walking me home Petey become such a dangerous neighborhood you live between a church and a police station well you never know well I guess I should be heading off no I'll make some cocoa um I'm not sure this is appropriate well why wouldn't it be appropriate I suppose it wouldn't be of something untoward were to happen are you thinking about something untoward no no no no of course not well good Coco it is hot hot creamy Coco no I like talking to you Petey people are so hung up with age but really it's just a number but yours is so much higher than mine you seem nervous Petey are you nervous Petey I mean I guess so I know it must be so hard to be a young man these days all the rules are changing the pressures the contradictions the confusion yeah I'm pretty confused right about now I know and I want to hear all about it there there there there [Music] quite the day you've had you must be exhausted becoming a rodeo Champion nah it wasn't too bad kind of invigorating actually you're lying why do you say that because I found this it's not mine oh please you didn't beat McCool odds Ari mopped the floor with you the man is practically built for horse wrangling or lassoing or caressing the body of a middle-aged woman why is your upper lip sweating me you know you know I don't care if you win a stupid Rodeo or not it's not the rodeo it's everything I used to be someone I used to be the big man in town and now I'm not even a man I'm just some poor snook who has to tell a mounty he's a better man than me it's the mobilizing you shut your mouth your Jimmy Falcone and Jimmy Falcone's a fighter not a quitter I don't give a damn about a rodeo or losing it to some mountie but you do so suck it up and be the man I fell in love with you're right I'm gonna take that mountie down hand me my ass Jimmy the other way ass backwards so that's where the expression comes from [Music] [Music] [Music] smells like manure Jimmy what are you doing here you already conceded yeah well I'm unconceived you know what I said you're a better man than me well I'm taking it back as you wish but I do advise against it there's a reason bull riding is worth more than half the points it's one of the most dangerous sports in the world so is cheerleading but I still do it now out of my way where the hell have you been so unclean oh my God congratulations no more touching I don't ever want to be touched again or smell mothballs or see a doily or eat a hard candy or see Dentures come out or see weird stockings that go just below the knee or see breasts that go just below the knee he just completely ignored me that is so hot PD all right bull I've got a lot riding on this so like I told my wife on our wedding night give me eight seconds and I'll be on my way okay I asked nicely now we do it my way [Music] I'll have a hot dog I'll have some peanuts I'll have an overweight Italian guy [Music] oh Jimmy don't get up daddy you can't do it pop stop it pop it's embarrassing Jimmy enough [Music] Jimmy stop you're killing yourself you have heard tremendous heart I admit it but no bet is worth this it is to me all right if it will make you end this madness fine you're a better man than I Jimmy McDougall a better man than I tell me something I don't know Jimmy you did it he said it you won way the heck in there pops and it's amazing daddy Jimmy can you do it again I was in the John I began the day as a Snook but now I am a man me too

Channel: Fugget About It - 9 Story

Views: 1,824,670

Keywords: fugget about it, mob cartoon, forget about it, falcone mob, family guy, the simpsons, american dad, bobs burgers, south park, peter griffin, stewie griffin, homer simpson, bart simpson, cartman, kenny, adult cartoon, funny cartoon, canadian animation, crime family, free tv, full episodes, animation domination, cartoon network, fox cartoon, canada, rick and morty, adult swim, robot chicken, solar opposites, dan harmon, justin roiland

Id: 8MmishUnhEo

Length: 198min 3sec (11883 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 25 2023