Max Payne - Nostalgia Critic

[Music] [Music] a new location a new year a new mystery to solve oh no we're not doing that I thought this was a review of Max Payne it is doesn't Max Payne have a voice-over narration that's only for the silly game this is the movie we need to be a lot more serious oh my god that dark creepy angel that I've been hallucinating it must be related to that drug that makes people super powerful so how's the narration - silly again stop with the jokes voice we have absolutely no sense of humor in this at all Billy because the sovereign looks totally ridiculous it can't be because it's dark and grey and frowns and grey and dark boots and gray in fact it's so great even the walls are grey you think that's such a good idea people weirdly take their wall colors very seriously exactly everything must be taken seriously and now I must move on to the incredible mystery of what happened to Malcolm why what did happen to milk he got lost because our studio is too big I bet you're gonna kick a lot of ass and take a lot of names see ya if you mean sitting around and doing a lot of talking I did not how did you confuse the two I'm sorry boys but this is how max pain is done now what you'd think it'd be a lot of one-liner shooting in bullet time exactly that yes no but we do have a pg-13 rating based on the third-person shooter from 2001 about detective giving revenge for his murdered family Max Payne tries to capture the graphic novel style and story that made this one of the most kick-ass games when it came out it had film noir dialogue comic book artwork a great sense of humor and even bullet time when you could slow down the action whenever you wanted nowadays that doesn't sound like much but back then it's a pretty big deal a mere seven years too late the film adaptation was released and from the trailers it look like it was right on track it would open a top dark goofy but all badass is that what we actually got in this movie well let's get this meme out of the way what No let's see how max payne went to max payne it's funnier if you see that's nova ha ha let's take a look at max payne oh sorry I gotta wait for a second there we go my pain I don't believe in heaven I believe in pain ooh someone so welcome to Marwin ten movies credit it starts out pretty solid with a voice-over narration beautifully cliched dialogue and a setup so overly dramatic even Sunset Boulevard will be telling him to buy a puppy I could feel the dead down there just below my feet you'll find it's a slow burn to a snis though as we cut to the one week earlier building I never get my packages on time where this is the cold case officer thanks movie the side didn't tip me off you can give me more hints if you want that's a pen dad's a dead Max Payne dad's a file holder so what's the story his wife and kid were murdered they never found the guy wow that was so much more powerful than showing it to us in the intro of the game I got chills when he said that hit back the point the game could go back and incorporate that style to that big reveal no no no no he said no it was sad you want a coffee were out remember when you were a kid and you'd hold your breath when you run past the graveyard i think only you did that just leave that man alone hey guess what the game designer said when they read the script meanwhile in deep max tricks we see Payne is trying to get mugged so he can get some answers on a lead yo homie that's a really nice watch kinda reminds me of one I lost hung it up on 128 a few hours ago you a cop or somethin most deeds just robbed people but I find these guys give interesting and pleasant conversation though they do take a long amount of time to actually commit the robbery increasing the chances of getting caught and or distracted so your personality less protagonist can kick your ass I just don't get four stars and uber thugs what you open your eyes you ever seen this woman you know things are going back by the way I loved you in party monsters seriously underrated one of the thugs tries to run as we see we're just beginning this terrifying journey into the world of probate beneficiaries and goblins mr. wells fine fine no goblins these monsters loosen ations in his head as well as a good distraction from the Train as Max trapped by the sleazeball from every movie you've ever seen in your life just call them Leisure Suit lazy a little offended I didn't get my invitation well I set out in the tape I told you go fine bills partner god I love those parties where people kind of dancing kind of talk so it's a nice beat right not full-on dancing but just kind of moving my shoulders music how do I need a boyfriend listen you don't give me a new name I'm gonna start frisking every one of your friends you notice by the way Mark Wahlberg is operating at half Wahlberg he's not disinterested but he's not really all that into it either he's still out there somewhere what do you mean know what happened to her then it means it was your follow-through an unsolved murders I don't have much hope for that girl in the alley he's somewhere in between Planet of the Apes in that atm a partner was killed too we're both looking for the same person if I'm more interested in him talking to gumball about cable service we have a problem I got an e all of Trevor's friends Maxima Tasha Natasha max she's spreche n' but they're interrupted by her sister played by badass Mila Kunis sorry I can't say that without the giggles don't act like you can don't get me wrong Mila Kunis can be a very good actress even a great one but like any performer she needs to be cast in the right role what a [ __ ] and trying to be an intimidating weapons expert at three footing nothing looking like Audrey Plaza voicing grumpy cat sounded like may Griffin isn't gonna cringe any spines kneel down Neela [ __ ] down you need to talk about my sister though I'm not gonna like she does look pretty cool next to it you'd be barrel for truth Kentucky straight bourbon oh Christ why is that hot Kunis sees he's a cop and backs off as he continues to search the Riddler's party and find some people taking move raspberry slow-mo he comes across this guy though [Music] waiting for him to kiss first do something did you see my but she saves him from Fernando's advances but she feels something is up on her way back home Bowen for God's sakes bring pants Frank Miller snow is surprisingly freezing no I won't be an i Frankenstein we cut to a shot of Max Payne putting on his coat thank God for that shot of Max Payne putting on his coat what the [ __ ] was that I was called over by another cop named Alex I need you to look at something that's my siren ain't it and heat okay get out happened to them her just one it looks like Natasha's found in pieces but because this is pg-13 and always sees the arm of Laura Palmer as you probably noticed by now there's no longer any narration absolutely no humor honestly there's not even any personality it's just max going from scene to scene performing run-of-the-mill cliche after run-of-the-mill cliche now don't get me wrong the game was cliche after cliche - but it was over the table and it tried to really push as many of them in there as possible that was part of the fun it was go big or go home maybe not home but he's here all the questions I get about my old partner well good thing you got my back then huh I did everything everything I did grounded for life man those are some rough reviews I've read I'll give Kunis credit that her best acting is when she's not talking and she's shooting her death Claire I'm sorry I didn't do anything how'd she do that dude wasn't it just raining like that very same day so he's like a game of sim weather I don't think I'll never mind it will be Alex he walks into Alex's place fine he's been murdered and someone else is trying to kill him still dad he wakes up in the hospital next to wizard and sidekicks phenomenon Beau Bridges there's some water deeds on said they don't even have them in focus dispatch can razor they found out from Christa where he car I do hate it when a movie forgets to put glasses on there yeah the whole Force has you pegged as the prime suspect yeah you tell them where to find me we dissolve from bored and angry Wahlberg to bored and confused Wahlberg yes he attends the funeral Alex and gives his condolences to his wife damn s let's sound like Indiana Jones punching a Nazi what have you done max [Music] what does Max Payne done I don't know this movies so boring it's hard to follow so everyone thinks max killed Alex and Natasha that's why an entire building of cops stand up yet none of them actually stopped him from going into Alex's office back up but we stood through it we have done more than stood up even if we could I still want to stood up ah I understand you're editing there it's symbolic that they both like kicking how much hallmark movies no can the city get so wait it's snowing yet it's hot enough to melt the snow into falling water just don't get drunk and decide to anal fin h er drop it [ __ ] that's matt [ __ ] you need to talk about my sister almost probably the last person who saw her alive except for the guy that left his wallet laying by ur body my mommy says this is my angry voice and I'm not afraid to use it with Natasha Kolchak don't say her name you know for two relatively cool actors that was some dorky staging he stops a club just to pull her gun closer to him like he's thinking haha oh yeah yeah what I do for a living you try anything and I'll kill you oh sorry I thought that was a line free for the spy who dumped me up yeah that was really intimidating okay she's got the glare we established that they go inside to find a lead and Natasha's killer just relax it looks like you're acting with passion none of that here oh yeah go silent we need it for this incredibly dramatic moment of guy we've known for 70 seconds dying or maybe it was just done to show off this effect with looking back kind of looks like a 90s anti-drug commercial so your friends say marijuana's going to take it places back why is this guy's entire performance just looking down at [ __ ] is it because when you get down to eye level he's like uh what me dunno GO train you wonder the Mario ghosts want to get this tattoo what does it mean that's a Norse Valkyrie Valkyries fly over the battlefield picking out the righteous dead a soldier's angel you know if you were to tell me the most interesting guy in a Max Payne movie would be the tenth new artist I'd ask if someone from Miami Ink goes wrote this the only way you get to go to heaven to die in violence which by the way forty minutes and we've had none uh there's a short fight and a guy who jumps off that's it we never see anything else it's all off-screen you know it's called bullet time because actual bullets are seen I guess it'd make more sense if you were like hey he missed it was sad you want a bagel out of those two Christ's evil ways interrogating a guy he's still looking down on him his chiropractor says he's gonna get Batman Begins poster syndrome ever had the squishy meat entirely of syrup if you survive please come again Kunis visit so guys you think she can get some answers from but how can you trust a person who cave and apply his own scar makeup convincingly see if they know anything about a detective Max Payne knocks pain he's looking for something that God wants to stay he did that's what makes him even more dangerous indeed a cop looking for something is very rare it's like a construction worker next to a highway construction site we always hear about it but we never see it open their wings feathers and they look like a soldier's angel I thought the big one place Oh things are really heating up uh he notices the wings also that a seer is a Nordic word but he's a detective he can't figure that out we finally get to see what happened to Max's family but again seeing how they already mentioned it without showing you like in the game there's nothing really shocking about it I dare even say it's kind of pointless to show now the most shocking thing is Max's gosh-darn happiest cop in the world demeanor coming home underpaid and overworked to a crying baby who's driving his wife insane let's be honest if there was inner monologue in the rest of this movie it'd be Lydon I came home drunk as hell Jack Daniels is my Ovaltine then what's this horseshit I thought they smile like that was elbow deep and his [ __ ] and he pissed in my mouth in my goddamn mouth and whatever it just keeps smiling you know you're dead inside what I wouldn't give to have my old life back ooh I'm making lemonade out of these lemons ah he named his baby baby it's like those dog owners they have the word dog randomly hanging up it's so establishes their identity he was maybe 10 minutes too late well halfway through the movie they're finally focusing on what motivates the main character I guess we can start - I hear you're looking for Malcolm I am well let's get going then wait if we're gonna do this we're gonna do it right [Music] it's snowing in here yes I choose to have little reaction to that you'll fit in fine [Music] nope [Music] nope [Music] [Applause] [Music] I couldn't believe it how could Malcolm have gotten this lost I didn't know hey know in tomorrow but you had some in the beginning yeah so did the movie and nothing stopped so we're stopping it's not very consistent I was just thinking the same thing thank you right everybody shut up or shut it whatever inner voices do [Music] Dental boner we should have known you're behind this I'm sorry I can't have Jeff walk no Malcolm you dumbass oh I know where he is yeah where is he Oh wouldn't you like to know yes well then let's find out [Applause] there you've got guns we've got guns one way to service yeah and we both know what it is sorry told him the bathroom isn't down that way you have to make a left and he didn't believe me and so he made a right I asked you do I want someone trustworthy no not at all you know I'm so glad we sat down and talked about this can you imagine we just came in guns a-blazing shooting each other and a thrilling action sequence that's all I ever think about actually well critic you continue the review and I'll continue being this side character that's completely useless Max Payne would be proud of you oh you could do the Mila Kunis death stare Jamie like this so after slowly morphing into John Cena we cut two in one week in went from snow to rain four times let me change my ass this has got to employment role act what is it Jason I just thought you should be aware wait is that Chris O'Donnell no no it what a random appearance he does so little in this role so I'm not entirely sure why he's here it's so out of nowhere it makes so little sense I half expect the dialogue to be it's Batman and Robin not Robin in Batman it's like seeing someone as random as ludicrous Papa you should hear the kind of things max is saying no that makes any sense he's gotten in his head that someone here at the company is responsible it's like coming from one close above you to an almost identical closeup of you it's just madness or should I say Ludo please they had a key the UK to his credit he has a slightly larger role than O'Donnell as another detective trying to find Payne thinking he's gone AWOL but much like Payne he's a friggin dumbass when it comes to identifying the obvious bad guy I'm worried he's gonna get into another situation before I can convince him to come in so you really think he's I think and he defined him find him with bullets lots of bullets in the areas that keep him alive max thinks he can get some answers from O'Donnell's character proving even his interrogations are on permanent hey Jackie hi I know it's a nitpick but even the way he threw that phone was kind of lame girl I guess I loved you in The Bachelor I can knock more should I'm gonna knock more I mean cops to continue knocking well Tonto explains that the drug being developed makes people super powerful but also forces them to have hallucinations the exact same hallucinations coincidentally the rest suffered horrible hallucinations Devils demons you know it's that one chemical weird gargoyle [ __ ] oxide everybody always sees the same thing after taking that they said in the SWAT team because a guy who barely shot a gun in this movie is a major threat but the killer Donnell proving that they're in on the scheme thank God they can't hit much else [Music] how many do you guys have your gun set to hit behind I didn't order that way I keep hitting behind him of his speaking Tasmanian devil he gets away and ooh Mila Kunis has a gun guess she's finally gonna be in on the action and haha we're talking introducing Valkyr the strength of freedom that's what this is about a drug well yeah a lot of crime related things involve drugs it's like saying that's what this affair was about sex so he goes to a secret hideout called Ragnarok brilliantly disguised as you can see as he's discovered by some guards you know I've never craved and naming your gun dialogue as much as I have now hey you ever named your gun Tara do what do you call it dude nothing funny in this movie the slo-mo doesn't have to be that slow the idea is the slower it goes the cooler the stunt should look falling backwards weirdly enough isn't that cool a stunt you know what let's have a race who'll win first Mark Wahlberg falling backwards with a swath from Zootopia getting a laugh out sloth Winston how is it possible to miss that much you have a freaking sight on your gun use it because you're mistaking a cool a stand for your main target that chair looks for climb but it's not like Wahlberg it's just falling super slowly again they just don't know the interesting things to slow down he's confronted by Baldy Vaughn no sweat and after all the build-up we'd better get a damn good fight with this guy you know he's just thinking to himself I could have gotten a transformers paycheck instead of this what am I kidding they're both thinking that maybe he's saved by bridges but what a twist he was the bad guy had to talk to her sure my side before she took it to someone else was that happen though once I realized I could use the strength of my hands to keep one thing from being taken away from me his acting is turning to Alec Baldwin from SNL when he's not playing Trump Michelle was the first problem in my life small enough to reach out and start Lord I need to talk to you you can't let Tina go out there with that woman so they uncuff him you heard right uncuff him so they can tie him to an anchor I'm going to place him in an easily escape yeah that as he of course it's gage but jumps into the freezing water bringing us back to where we started and you know having seen the story that led up to this moment I think I can safely say I actually know less about him than when I started off seriously before I at least knew the game character who was a cool poetic one viewing badass and this guy was none of those things have replaced it with that Zulu squat so we're actually in the red when it comes to what we know about him maybe those were the phrase negative personality comes from because it takes away more than it gives he's the antimatter of character studies but he refuses death by drowning to get revenge because the spirit is a great source to rip off as he takes the drug to turn into one of those superhumans which always sees all those crazy-ass visions that was adorable that scream was so silly Ike I don't want to put other cartoony yells in there so he goes on a killing spree in Max Payne that seems weird and he tries to get his revenge on bridges the drug also has a selfie stick apparently before well I was in Free Willy escape to Pirates Cove that's pain everybody is it everything you thought of me or even more fired a gun did you see I'm badass now I'm sure we can work something out you're wondering no that wasn't slow-mo he was actually dumb enough to reach for his gun that's lowly hair is challenged people like you to erase bridges searches for a way to get out but get scorned yeah it's Mark Wahlberg versus the lesser Lebowski it's the showdown we've all been waiting for the SWAT team circles around him and that's it so much was gained like an appreciation to spend your money better at this point not much rather watch this pain alright that pain any day actually that one's not too bad everyone's like oh it's Fame away it's copy bad but it was actually pretty good looking color beige you know that's what he was still pretty funny and everything and just give this a go a little bit my part of that Max Payne doesn't give what fans are looking for it's not unique enough to give movie goers what they're looking for and the majority of it is boring ass in that this movie's been allowed to really go over-the-top crazy I mean not Legion over-the-top crazy but awesome action film noir over-the-top crazy this could have been a very enjoyable stylish Flair as is it's just a doll exercising snow with an occasional good shot here and there but what does that matter when there's absolutely no substance and no fun to back it up the mystery still remains though where is Malcolm I think this might explain things a bit hey guys it's Malcolm I'm just giving a heads-up I'm not back from my vacation yet I had a few things get in the way so it's going to delay me getting back to film the next episode it's not so inconvenient I've actually been kidnapped well the question still remains are you gonna change that walk away they cut off a couple of my toes and sent it to those I loved most I figured you guys wouldn't be in the mix don't you think the viewers might get upset they'd say if they don't get $20,000 they're gonna cut off my testicles with toothpicks you know some people might get uneasy by this but you know a lot of people have to realize that change is a normal part of life I think there was even talk about surgically giving me a third testicle just so they can take away another we know when they find a living with a new wall color isn't the end of the world right now they're gambling for who gets to chop off my budget to live with a lot of other things I know one of them really wants to wear them as a helmet perhaps discover a new level of patience empathy love a new way of looking at everything he's so cute he's got to be adorable when he grows up no the more I think about it it's not just of my duty to keep that wallace in color i do miss my nostrils it's my pleasure but the more I think about it I wasn't using them much anyway and that is the essence I don't even have fingers to hold the phone one of the kidnappers is doing it for me don't you sure cares oh you're fine you're fine [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Channel Awesome

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Keywords: channel awesome, doug walker, nostalgia critic, movie, film, max payne, max payne review, max payne movie, max payne film, max payne 2008, max payne video games, max payne game, movie review, film review, review, nostalgia critic review, video game movies, video games, worst video game movie, horrible video game movies

Id: ysUp9fdtFI8

Length: 28min 44sec (1724 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 02 2019