Master the minefield - dealing with bullies, bozos & buffoons | Jeanne Sullivan | TEDxBarnardCollege

why am I talking to you about nasty people in the business world I have spent many years in the business and technology sector I am so proud that I have been one of the few women venture capitalists and served that world played in that world enjoyed that world for more than 25 years that has been thrilling but when I thought about what did I want to speak to you about today it wasn't about funding your business it wasn't about scaling your company it was about dealing with bullies bozos and buffoons this is not something that you learn in school there is one thing I know you cannot be nasty you've got to be sassy and you have to learn to stand up to step up and to speak up now let me tell you about a few of the zany people that are in the business world did you ever see the movie The Devil Wears Prada Miranda that condescending look that look in her eyes nothing was ever right one time I worked on a project with my team for more than 80 hours in the week not a word that was really tough on us she sucked the oxygen right out of the room and you know what I loved it on the days that she was traveling that was a good day you know my very first boss was just like Miranda and she was the devil but she didn't even wear Prada have you ever worked with somebody who just appreciated nothing that you did it doesn't feel good believe me so then I changed to a different part of the organization and who is my officemate but miss rude lewd and crude no filter on her mouth ever one day we had a big corporate event and picture let me take you there picture a great big auditorium about 300 people I got an award how naive I was to think that she would say something supportive you know what she said she said why did you win that award these are real stories I have made none of this up and in subsequent events she would say things recurring themes like why are you going to that conference why were you promoted why are you leading that team nothing I said was ever the right thing in fact the things I did say they were just catnip and just never quite worked have you ever had somebody who hit your hot buttons all the time then there's this dude mr. passive-aggressive oh boy I never knew what was going to come next with this dude this was really rough on me now he wasn't lewd or crude and he wasn't a screamer but he would do things like this he had us all build this big presentation that he asked for we never got to present it in fact he did things like this he would roll his eyes and look at his watch if we spoke up in a meeting do you know how much that hurts that is really hard so I got my first big executive job and here was mr. passive-aggressive his actions always made me feel small and doubting myself then there's this guy didn't you happen to see whiplash how many of you have seen this next slide did you happen to see whiplash JK Simmons like incredible right how many of you saw this movie already it's currently playing it's so great bombastic screaming as if that would make the drummer play better come on you know and I had more than a couple of bosses who acted this way in fact I was on boards of a few CEOs who always acted this way and fellow board members acted this way this was really hard to deal with I got my dream job and there was a monster under the bed now let me tell you this is my most important message we will keep getting the lessons until we learn them we have to learn to master the minefield of these manipulative people or they will make us miserable this is really really hard and it's so important to learn these things and so I uh I certainly had to to learn the ropes you know you might think that you'll be happy once you're successful but that's not really how it works the research really shows that you will be you know much more successful if you are happy and practicing that happiness you're more creative but there are things you can do I see nodding heads you've been there with nasty bosses you can learn to step up I learn to step up with excellence every chance I could with coworkers I learned to speak up and with bombastic types like in whiplash don't expect any making of amends like in the movie or any kind of appreciation talk that only happens in Hollywood it is really important to understand that do you know there's actually a workplace bullying Institute and it actually has measured that more than 72 percent of the people in the workplace have either observed bullying or been part of that world and being bullied I'm telling you that so you don't feel alone I think that's really important to know so I would tell you that you know just just learning how to to act how to speak up how to manage these situations it's like a business problem you have to learn to manage it it would help if you had the velvet hammer this is being direct but respectful I learned to use that velvet hammer and you know what my fellow board members always me firing the CEO and guess what most of them are still my friends so it's important to do that but let me tell you a few stories last year I took some time off for the first time ever and I worked on my golf game and I had one of the best teaching pros I have ever had a woman of course and she told me this great story about grace under fire she was out playing with Kevin and Kevin was throwing his clubs and he was just so obnoxious in fact he was ruining the whole afternoon for everyone and Heather said to him Kevin what is going on with you and he said I want to hit the ball like you hit the ball Heather and she said Kevin you're 70 years old I'm 43 I've been playing golf all my life I'm a professional golfer you will never hit the ball like I hit the ball Kevin use what you got talk about grace under fire she wasn't gonna let that bozo give her a bad day that's what I love about the story then a couple years ago I was invited to an all-women's poker night you know I just was looking at my hand and I had one bad hand after another what I do I kept reaching down for $20 bills and you know what I noticed the other women they were having bad hands too but they were doing something else they were dropping out and I realized if you want to win you got to stay in guess what I was the big winner that night now don't think I have all the answers it was only a few weeks ago I went to Stanford for parents night to visit my niece Jackie my sister was there I happen to be in Silicon Valley so I joined them all for dinner and I was telling Jackie about today and this discussion and I was telling her about somebody who made me crazy for many years and she said well what'd you learn what were you take away and I just kind of mumbled something I didn't even give her a good answer and you know what she said I don't think that you conquered this oh my god I was really in the grip which is the power hold that people can have on you and I was quiet the rest of the night you know why I realized she was right so I thought about it in the days after that and I realized I had not spoken up all along the way you see these people can give you a long tail of misery and that is why I am passionate about this subject I think it's really important so it might have helped if I had something like this gizmo called the jerkle meter invented by two computer scientists at MIT it measures the tone of voice what's going on with the feelings what's happening what's being communicated don't you think this should be in the Apple watch but until we can buy this gizmo let me give you the three tools for success you don't have to be nasty but you do have to be sassy come up with the mantra for yourself the one I use is I am enough that keeps me grateful and keeps me from sharp elbows mentality and come on say it with me you have to learn to stand up to step up and to speak up you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 168,125

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United States, Business, Finance, Life

Id: QsO2zqJIjQM

Length: 12min 39sec (759 seconds)

Published: Tue May 19 2015