Married, Divorced, Remarried.

hey what's going on Damien's Aquino here younger no pastor and author of my new book entitled don't awaken love too early and I have a beautiful couple here actually sharing their testimony of how they are woken love to early and when led to a divorce but after their divorce God restore their relationship which led to them into their second marriage which happened to be with each other so we're actually gonna unpack this story and I'm gonna introduce who we have here and we have Antonio aka mission and his lovely wife Shanae would you guys say hello to the camera once you guys tell him how you guys met met her actually a church yeah who's 16 16 yeah 15 1 16 so yeah manner after church and she was doing a stomp conversation that's the first time I seen her so yeah that's what's up and how long did you guys date before you actually got married - almost two years two years yeah wow so you guys got married at 18 yeah 18 yeah 18 oh so talk to me what was some of the things that motivated or led you guys to get married we had a child at 17 Wow and we were living together shacking yes we um when she said we had a child and I felt like it was the right thing to do I had had a little bit of pressure from you know from the church to losing the church heavy and we we didn't want to continue to live together without being married and you know I wanted to make the family make a family so I think we just decided to just do it and jump into it yeah so it's safe to say as teenage parents and being married as teenagers did you guys actually know what marriage was about and and have a clue of how to do marriage the right way not at all no I didn't like I didn't have any examples to look up to my mom she was you know she had a husband he's the stepfather but he was kind of in in our life in I don't really know what I wouldn't say it was a healthy my mother was a single mother of seven so I didn't have that at all so both you guys actually didn't have you didn't grow up in a marriage household it was a single parent on see ya soon pair home for the most part well I didn't I didn't really know what I was getting into it was kind of like a thing to do this yeah let's just do it go ahead we wanted to one day yeah it seemed like the right thing to do seemed like yeah at the time Joshua so being married at 18 having a child at 17 yeah I'm assuming that you guys had some some marital challenge early into your marriage as teenagers yeah what are some of the challenges that you guys faced being teenage parents and married as teenagers for me not knowing anything about marriage being a husband and being a father I threw myself into you know work also I was serving at the church at the time so I was always gone always serving during youth ministry I'm at work or I'm at the studio I was either at one you know one or the other and you know that began to I wasn't around so I guess she started feeling neglected and I didn't have anyone to say you should go home it was just kind of you know work ministry or studio yeah kind of sound like your spouse became more of your roommate yeah then been a partner in life for sure yeah yeah some of the challenges you you feel like you faced in the marriage I did feel neglected I didn't work I didn't go to school I was at home by myself with our child or our daughter so I did not to be a wife I didn't know about making sure food was then in all of this stuff so I did what I thought was supposed to be doing and not seeing them were talking to him or having a communication system or anything like that it just made things worse so you guys didn't necessarily have a blueprint or model to figure out how to do marriage or nor did you guys necessarily have I guess skills to learn how to like come out of these challenges true so talk to me how did you guys cope with like how did you cope with feeling neglected and and you pursuing your career serving like what do you finally do you think you were avoiding some things yeah I think not growing up without a father like since the youth pastor he was very you know masculine you know a leader strong and firm and not having a father I missed that and seeing him that made me want to follow and you know lead but it also became to where I was serving him I wasn't necessarily serving God and I wanted to look a certain way Hey look at me I'm always serving you know as that church so I was definitely you know going at that for the wrong reason so I didn't necessarily care what she was talking about I was just like I need to look good yeah and this you know in this in this point so seems like you would chase him for validation yeah yeah and you didn't necessarily find it with their spouse even did you feel validated did you feel like Shania offered you validation um no I didn't I was uh I didn't feel validated it was more like I felt like she should have bail it I should have felt validated in her saying good job for going to work good job for doing this good job for being a ministry and I never got that so yeah I just search for it in other places yeah and in your pursuit to search for it in other places your challenge was feeling neglected right right yeah so in him needing validation and then outsource and in other places how did that affect you like how did it feel in neglect like it affected me I allow doors to open I allowed people to cut from my pastor come into our what I had going on and it caused me to you know talking and giving attention to people that I wasn't married to yeah to fill that void of okay well I don't talk to him a lot or see him that much or he doesn't say anything to me so that person being interested in me or my day made me feel good yeah yeah got you so I mean it's you know obviously you guys got a divorce which you know came from several affairs that happened within your marriage we know that adultery doesn't just happen overnight when did you guys start saying that the way you were coping with feeling neglected the way you were coping was feeling not validated what did you guys recognize that you were doing for me I want to say when I took the talking on the phone or takes into the next level as far as trying to meet up or thinking about meeting up it was like there's a little extreme now it's more than just feeling okay with that now it's like looking for that touch yeah yeah and in when you say like meeting up and talking on the phone war was this what a particular person yeah my ex my the person that I was with when I was younger yeah and this is this was actually your first right yes the person you lost your virginity to and after that experience with being with your first in between that you met Antonio right but you actually never really dealt with that relationship right no and I never closed the door to that relationship I just stepped away from it and thought I was done and over but I wasn't as soon as the person came back in my life it was easy for them to stay because I still had feelings that I thought I can't be there so some was like you had a adore me a soul - exactly like you close the door but you didn't recognize that they were still oh so time that needed to be broken broken Wow and wood there were some of the ways you coped that you recognize that were unhealthy and how you were coping with some of your challenges yeah I just remember just not being around and not having like any relationship with my spouse is just kind of like you said we were roommates and I know it was wrong but I'm more so cared about my image and what I look like outside to everyone else you know and I was I just got lost in that and I just wanted to look like the super Christian the Christian rapper and the guy who who's serving and you know everyone can blow we know we can count on tone we can you know you're doing that and I ended up getting lost in that yeah you know I love how you guys shared how you began to with these challenges in unhealthy ways so now you begin to cope with your challenges of not feeling validated and accepted by revisiting a connection that never was severed right Antonis seem like you begin to cope with your your challenges by moreso like flirting with the idea of putting your image above your marriage so at this point in your relationship you know tone your coping with your challenges by putting more energy more efforts in your image your career and in Shanna at this point you're putting more effort in energy in this relationship from the past then it's not supposed to be happening now in most situations when women have an affair it's usually from an unhealthy emotional connection that they have with someone what do you think you're contributing factors were definitely emotional and being vulnerable and feeling neglected from at home at that time that person was showing me other than that you know was making me feel like I said he was more concerned and like loved because it was my first so there's things about me that he knew were you know things to say to make me feel away like yes no history each other exactly yeah so yeah that's definitely emotional because I never let it go and I thought I did but I did it and how far along are you guys into the marriage right now so you guys got married at 18 and in what year are you guys in right now oh maybe three yeah yeah and then told you is it you know we definitely never make excuses for anyone make committing a fare or adultery but do you think there's some responsibility that that you have to own in terms of how you neglect it in and you have possibly put I think mhm and all that above your wife yeah I think for sure now knowing what I know and looking back on everything I definitely contributed it like you said I don't think it made it right but I definitely think for sure me neglecting and me understanding women now like you can't neglect a woman and you know expect her to just she has to get her emotional needs yeah man you know somewhere yeah I'm like I said I'm not saying it was right but like I understand like yeah I definitely did there's still some responsibility still I still have to take some responsibility yeah and that's this time y'all didn't know about love land that's not saying now I'm gonna stand eating the right things and also in marriage sometimes your needs don't get met but when you have that connection to Jesus you know how to pull from him factly although your partner may not give you what you feel like you need and at that point you guys really your relationship with Jesus was it was a strong or how was your relationship we got at this point I don't think I really how to sleep me I don't think I have one I mean I knew go to church I knew the routine yeah but I didn't necessarily have that connection where I'm praying and reading the word and you know talking to him like I don't think I had what I just had the routine down you know the church come on routine and being complacent like we got so much was just like this is what we're used to we're comfortable so this is what we'll do Sunday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday yeah yeah but you know could you say that you you do love Jesus you don't believe her for sure you know so you know in the affair like it's not that you didn't love Jesus it's not that you weren't a believer you just didn't really know how to walk out your relationship with God and pull from him in times of temptation now I truly believe that even in the sin of adultery it won't unravel our righteousness because that's a gift that Jesus gives us but in committing adultery there's consequences and although it may not unravel our righteousness but it will unravel our life in some areas yes you know once the affair happened which came from your emotional connection which open doors what were some of the consequences that you saw that your marriage started to face and deal with from committing adultery Oh trust which was barely even there because he knew nothing and I don't want to say me getting pregnant was a consequence but it was in a sense a consequence because I was stuck in a place where I didn't know who the father was so I felt like I was being like this is what you get not necessarily was from God just like you did this yeah and so it's like what do i do from here I'm not gonna have an abortion I'm not gonna you know so I kind of felt like intuition yeah yeah yeah so you're into the marriage year three or year four at this point you find out that you're pregnant but at this point you're not sure who the father the father is right when does that discussion between you and Antonio that he may not be the father when did you guys have that discussion I waited until Aaron was three months before I said anything to Antonio about Wow like what kind of wait emotionally mentally didn't feel like you were carrying because I got seven very everyway it was real detriment I thought of all different kind of ways to get out of it and not say nothing at all if I just made him leave me so he had no idea or even suicide was a thought just anything I always think about giving the baby to my mom anything to bypass having to take responsibility for my actions yeah so you is this kind of struggling with some depression yeah thoughts of suicide and you know again the consequence of it is not that God is doing this yes because he honors our free will you made a decision and we believe that Santa has its own consequence that doesn't have to bring consequence he's a good guy however when we make choices we have a freedom to make those choices but we also have to own but consequences from no choices exactly so Antonio what's your response three months into his birth pregnancy not pregnancy his very so you held that for like 12 in almost a year Wow so did you feel a sense of relief for that moment after after letting him know that I had an affair but you know Aaron may not be yours it was like a 2.5 second thing because now I hurt him yeah so now it's like I have all this on me from hurting you doing something that I didn't want to ever do yeah how did how did that real quick how did that affect your sex life like as a married couple we know that sex is not everything but sex is extremely important yes yes it did in you know in being pregnant with the thought of this possibly even that may not be his did that affect your sex life up into the birth of Aaron for me it did because I knew what I did and I was just like I felt disgusting like I was like I did this so I withheld or made excuses or I'm you know just to not have sex with him because I just was disgusted by myself and did you did you feel that sense of like our sex life is not as active as I would like it to be indefinitely yeah I was like man what's going on yeah what's up why don't you want you know then yeah I think don't you have needs but Trey you felt neglected I felt neglected again and I'm feeling inadequate him like man am I not pleasing her yeah maybe you know it's something about me that's you know make causing her not to be attracted to me yeah you know so I it was a lot of ways were you internalizing it yes I definitely like kind of kept it in I was frustrated about it you know very angry yeah cause you know man when they don't releases and in that anger did you have a certain action or behavior towards her were you saying things that that I definitely was like very mean yeah and like you know I would cuss or you know punch a wall and do whatever and I did well then you did with the devil in pornography right you know to kind of sue sue you know and it just it was like a coping mechanism yeah I never got like having tor to where it was an addiction but it was definitely something that I did to kind of feel better about myself for the moment then after I did it I felt terrible yeah I shouldn't at this point it's not necessarily that you're not giving him sex because you don't necessarily love him but more so the shame yes so in the shame of whip drawing he's feeling neglected but now in his neglect he's being more anger in me and in that that it did you feel a sense of justification now that you mean did they begin to cause you to withdraw even more or was I easier to withdraw it was easier I kept my distance I didn't go you know do anything again I just was like whatever you kind of argued back but I knew why he was mad because I was withholding but I knew why I was withholding and he did it so I kind of was just like I allow you to be mad yeah it's still at this point did you guys have any mentors any people that that you're bringing into the situation or you guys are kind of doing this on your own a little bit yeah I would for me I was like I had people I had like I kind of talked but I didn't know to like share it all and it was kind of like this is kind of embarrassing like I don't want to tell anyone this I really didn't I at that time I spoke tonight my cousin that's who knew I was pregnant in by who and things like that I was gotcha yeah yeah so fast forwarding back to three months into Aarons birth Antonio you now Shan they are sharing what happened not only are you sharing that you committed adultery right but simultaneously you have to also share that erin may not be Antonio's yeah talk to me what was your response so man I just felt like shock disbelief anger rage I didn't like I couldn't even process and I'm like what because when I think about like are you having an affair there's like what my my son may not be mine it was like the that was like almost too much to handle at once I'm like what the heck what what's going on I just remember just like kind of sitting down and just be like looking back at her like are you serious like how when who what when where why type of thing and that that for me that was probably the most devastating news I've ever had like at once Wow yeah so after you hear that news like what's the state of your marriage now like like from honey job move forward like what happened for me man I had I had to get out I had to leave I didn't leave the marriage I left for two weeks I remember I actually called you yeah the day I found out and I left for two weeks I went and stayed with a pastor Terrence and just to kind of clear my head cuz I didn't really know yeah what like what to do like why was this happening to me you were still kind of in shock oh yeah just shock disbelief almost and you know I just had to take some time and breathe yeah so you go away from two weeks get a chance to process yeah figure out what what your next move is after that two weeks what conclusion did you come to did you did you decide to stay and fight in the marriage like what ended up happening at that point I was like you know what this is kind of all I know and I couldn't see myself kind of just leaving and not knowing if Aaron's really mine or not so I decided to stay and and try to hang on a dear life and try to fight yeah so even with the possibility of him not may not being yours you you still was willing to say no matter what I'm he's gonna be my son yeah cuz I mean for me I've already bonded it was three months in you know you know now it's even longer even in the incubation yeah I'm on second so I'm like not as my son yeah so whether whatever the results I kind of just made up in my mind that this is gonna be tough this tough pill to swallow but I'm willing to do it because I'm already invested yeah and you guys eventually took the paternity test are you guys went through the process and you found out that out that he was my son that was was that like that began that was life yeah that was all right ain't so bad right right but finding that out man that really because having to there was a couple times where I had to actually make a switch because we believe that you know it was a sudden I didn't want to keep him away yeah so I had to actually make a switch and that that was like that was me I don't know how I'm gonna get through this yeah for 18 years whatever the case may yeah and just finding out that news that that's my son I was that was a huge huge relief yeah you know so what I gave me hope you know anything really good so at this point biblically the Bible talks about that divorce is permitted an act of adultery so you had the freedom to go that route but you decided to - no God not go that rod and we know that scripture says that God allowed Moses to talk about giving their certificate of divorce for the hardness of heart so at this point your heart is not so hardened to where you were willing to give up on your marriage yeah um so talk to me about that um I was just at the point where it's like I said once this is all I know getting the good news so I was like you know what maybe you know that was like a sign of hope yeah at least I thought at the moment was like well maybe we can work this out you know I know I did some things wrong she did something wrong and you know I still I still loved her I still loved her that's like one of the only woman women I ever loved outside of my mom yeah so I definitely wanted to give it another chance yes and I think at this point you and I we begin to start not only just our own mentor ship relationship we went in some more yeah in depth counseling yes and I can honestly say that you began to own your part of the relationship you you stop focusing on what Shanae was doing and you just started focusing on what you were doing yeah I'm so you started to grow you start to grow in your relationship with the Lord and you started to grow and how you begin to to treat yeah however you still end up getting a divorce like so at what point did you check out even though you have this situation where you could have checked out yeah why did you eventually check out and get a divorce and when I say check out I just mean like you called it quits yeah you realize that I can't do this no more so for me where I felt like I started to grow I wanted to kind of pull her and force that on her but for whatever reason she wasn't there and she didn't want to you know fight with me it seemed so you know I was taking my relationship with God more serious and I was trying to fight for the marriage having counsel from you and it just wasn't it wasn't like we weren't in agreement on it it was kind of like she started to go out she got these new set of friends that I did not agree with they were all single some of them were homosexual and I just I was like man who are these people like yeah I didn't trust him I couldn't trust her so it just be just got worse and worse and worse and she kind of just like I'm yeah I'm finna go have fun at this point now we got three kids so it just was yeah it just got real ugly you guys actually did some counseling together yeah yeah and I know how did you feel in that process when we did it as a couple you and Shanae you guys counselor I felt like Stacey she was being forced to come you know it wasn't like we we wanted to go to counsels like I want to go to counseling because I want to fix the relationship but it just seemed like she didn't do it but what I realized later is I wanted to fix the relationship because I wanted to look a certain way yeah my wife cheated on me and I stayed with her so it goes back to this image thing that I struggle with how I'm gonna look in the public eye you know I'm gonna look like the hero everyone's gonna be like hold on stay with her yeah if she did it wrong so my motives was yeah you had a split reason in split reason there was there was a part of you that love Chanel yeah this is the only woman you loved apart from your mother but another part of you were you were trying to protect your image so you fully didn't surrender everything to guide you there were still some hidden motives so I know at some point you guys separated yeah I mean that was more your decision what what led you to say you know what I'm done I'm separating and now I'm about the pursue divorce yeah so we'll we separated because I was just tired of her going out and you know going to the club and things like that so we kind of both was like you know what we don't just do you do you i'ma do me but I was still talking to you and you know praying and hoping that she'd come back but then what made me decide where I'm done I'm getting a divorce is when I found out that she was pursuing a relationship with with another woman so that was my cutoff I saw you you're trippin I'm done I can't I can't fight for you no more if that's what she doing yeah so that's when I started to pursue the divorce ya know that's tough Shane I talk to me about that you know after your husband decided to move forward and fight for the relationship he's seeking to light to do his part well what's your thought process would would led you to or would influence your behavior to now be to step out your marriage again and to pursue a relationship with the same sex it wasn't that I didn't want to fight for it I felt like I had already damaged it so like he said he wanted to fight for it he was going for it but it was still so much still going on like because of what I did and so it was like you know things being said hurtful so I was like you know I did it to myself what do I expect like he's hurt it's gonna happen so why not just give up why not just act away so I stayed out I hung out and did what I wanted I ended up and same-sex relationship because being curious I like you said I have friends that we're that way and so I would ask questions or here didn't have conversations and I was like so you know what's that about like what is that yeah and then that led me there in the midst of us being separated so I'm like going back and forth with him vulnerable gonna be with him don't want to be with him were arguing I guess we have three kids so it was just for me I thought oh I'm just gonna try something that's whatever but because of where I was at in my life I was just like this person is showing me yet again that they care and that's all I wanted to feel even in the midst of me being wrong I just wanted to feel like it was okay so I allowed that person and show me that because I didn't have that and then that led me into being in a relationship with that person yeah so I know at this point I am involved and you guys trying to heal the relationship right and you know I definitely understand that at this point Antonio wants to fight for the relationship but you still felt a sense of he was holding it against you yes and you know definitely we're not excusing any any actions but it was a sense of you felt like it was already over and not to say that it wasn't that it was over but shame you do you feel like shame was kind of driving you a little bit it's in in a sense of instead of running towards God it's kind of like we we ran to the our comforts a little bit I was yeah I want to say shame and then being in counseling like I didn't want to be there because I knew that I was wrong and I didn't want to be told that got you and so I felt comfortable just doing what I was doing and staying away because I was like no I don't want to hear that yeah you know like yeah God forgives but he sees me he knows what I'm doing so I can't hide you know be away from and run away from me yeah so I just was like it's whatever I felt like it's gonna be damaged anyway so why not just let it be what it is yeah sorry so at this point Tom once you found out about Shanae did you move out did you decide to like okay we're doing our own thing now did you lose hope were you were you done man at that point she moved out I say where we were living and I was hoping a lot man I lost hoping God my faith was like shattered and I kind of I kind of went down a spiral downward spiral even though we were meeting with you like those feelings are neglected like being alone I needed like I was like bad I need somebody to talk to so I kind of just started wiling out you know I started sleeping with a couple of different women and just not really you know taking them like kind of are you I've been hurt so I'm gonna hurt you guys and I was kind of like devious yeah and out of my anger and all that so I just started wiling out before a season of my life and then I got into another relationship yeah and that relationship made me feel everything that she wasn't giving me that person was giving me yeah you know they made me feel good they you know they took care of me and it was almost like a mom yeah you know just and at this point did you like because I remember us having conversations in this point yeah and you know how was I was discouraging those behaviors but but obviously you were in pain did you feel justified in in your fear yeah in like you know me you thought I was like I'm not having an affair we're done we're separated um so I definitely felt like I was in the clear and the green yeah I was like I'm not with her she adored her thing yeah and I was like hey you know I'm single man now anything you know I remember at this point I was like I may be separated but spiritually and legally God still sees you guys and company and you know I know that's tough because you endured some hurts and it's it's pretty interesting that the same reasons of what influenced shanae's behavior to have an affair which was a neglect rejection it actually influence your behavior to have an affair yeah so it's like neglect and the spirit of rejection was kind of running rampant in your relationship and although you felt justified and your affair but in God's eyes I remember telling you man your you're committing adultery you're still doing the same thing to your wife that you said she did to you you know I know we're having those discussions when did that become a reality to you that you know what this is actually wrong although I feel justified in my decision in God's eyes is still wrong I think you know just having those conversations with you on a daily basis and you know being honest with you and like letting you know where I was and you know just talking to you and you encouraging me to get read the word and you know pray you know those convictions like kept yeah you know kept coming up and I was just like you know what I just I couldn't keep doing that person that way yeah I couldn't keep going down the road I was going because it just it wasn't me I was just doing it out of you know hurt and anger yeah and you know it was bitter so I began to just pursue you know God and it was just like it click and when I had I ended that relationship like cold turkey I was like you know it's a rap I can't do it no more before you ended it you're actually considering yes marriage yeah I remember I remember having a conversation with you and you mentioning that I believe that this is the woman that God has given you and I remember saying that's a lie I was like God is not gonna give you a wife a new wife when you're still married to someone and that this whole situation was not God's will you know I know those were kind of some hard conversations that you and I had because again this individuals meeting needs that you didn't feel were getting met however it was still an unhealthy situation you define you you finally called it quits but in the process of calling that relationship quits you're still pursuing divorce at the same time so you're in this relationship in the middle of your separation and then you got a divorce and now that the divorce is final you're technically you're in the clear of still being in this relationship but you actually called it quits you you into that relationship the you did you sense that guy was calling you to just be with your him and yourself like did you is that is that at the point where you began to repair your relationship which is God and exactly kind of be by yourself Four Seasons yeah that was it I was in that relationship for all the wrong reasons and I never had that time because as soon as we separated I let that start wiling out I never had that time to get to myself and just be like God is just me and you now and you got you didn't you going back to when you were teen a teenagers you didn't go through that season of self-discovery you never got a chance to be by yourself it was like you were a teenager had a baby went straight into marriage and never really went into the self-discovery and learn what love is who God is so now you're what 20 words yeah and you're alone and now discovering who you are yeah how was that season for you that was a man I'm glad I did it like in like the counsel from you going lifeproof and things like that it it let me see all the where I was wrong in my past relationship where I was wrong and the relationship I got out of while I was wrong and insecure and didn't know who I was as a man and you wanted to people please it like it was kind of like right in my face and it's like all right let's deal with it and God was there with me and that made my relationship with him just so much stronger to where now it's so rooted to where there's nothing no one could say that could ever like take that away yeah because he was there for me every step of the way but I just kept kind of leaving and walking away you stay right there so so you kind of went through a season of unromantic love encounter and exact like learning love from community opposite sex but more from a friendship level yeah learning love to fellowship which i think is super important because I believe encountering that love just from a place of fellowship mentorship community is important because if you don't have that is just like to say it's easy to miss diagnose our versions of love and think it's something that it's not yeah are prematurely jump into a relationship because we don't know what love is not at all yeah so that's our grief yeah yesterday at this point you guys are divorce you actually ended the relationship that that same-sex relationship what brought you to that conclusion like that's not me tried it that's not for me and then you begin to pursue God at this point talk to me about that I was just tired of the way I was living period I was just fed up but everything and I just pray to God one night you know prepared for everything that I've done I emailed Antonio Nexen to forgive me as well and I just got you know make me the wife that you caught for me to be and I promise to never turn back to my old ways you know I came to church that following Sunday rededicated my life and can you talk to me I came to talk to you Stacy the same time he's like don't come to life group I'm like no Tony this girlfriend going right I'm cool but I still came anyway that was the best decision I've ever made yeah and I remember you coming to us after church yeah and I saw a different Shanae I remember the shehnai and the counseling that Antonio was encourage you to come and it did seem like you didn't want to be there sorry you didn't want to hear our own things that you needed to own but in this conversation we had after church that particular day that you came and rededicated your life back to God I remember you owning everything just in that conversation you started just not I didn't even ask you to you just came to me as I you know what I recognized that this and that I was wrong I've been dealing with my heart and I actually believed you I felt like the Holy Spirit was like a shift is happening into our life but I do think that there there has to be fruit of repentance so then you shared your repentance but there was actually a season of fruit maturing from that so how long did you guys go in this process of just being with you and God how long was that process if you just working on your relationship with the Lord for me I had rededicated my life in the like towards the end of April before we start talking again and then September so about a couple months six five six months me I would say it was about seven eight for me kind of almost like the same yeah I was just pursuing you know pursuing God trying to go to life group all the time you know just trying to stay accountable - yeah - to leadership and you know trying to do things in the right the right way but both of you guys I can honestly say position yourself to where we can call the best out of you yeah before like we only had the information that you shared with us when things were going bad right but now you present it all your life when it was going good bad and you allowed us to call you to a higher level of integrity individually yes individually my wife begins to mentor you individually me pastor Terence and other people begin to speak into your life so there was growth happening with your vertical connection to soar exactly now you guys obviously are still divorced how was this affecting your kids like how was their reaction between what they're used to mommy and daddy even in the dysfunctions if you guys arguing yelling y'all still stay together but now you're not together how did it affect the kids dad that was man in effect that I'm Otis more than anything because she was old enough to understand yeah she had like one breakdown I tried that when we first separated I tried to spend the night for Christmas so that I was there when they opened their gifts and then another holiday came and they wanted me to stay the night but he was in a relationship and that wasn't okay so I said I couldn't spend the night and my daughter like she cried it's like I can't do this you guys are breaking my heart you're putting me through so much she gave me her stuffed animals like don't forget me because I wasn't living there they stayed tonio so she was like this is you know me like don't forgive me because like it was it was too much to bear yeah yeah it's because I hated having to come down to the car drop drop off it take that person in the car it was disgusting I just I hated it yeah the kids they just they kind of just there were troopers through it but they you can tell it they were just like drone shop yeah especially morning it didn't didn't Margie offer up a prayer to God yeah what won't talk to me because that's that's pretty powerful when we ended up getting back together she came in she's right mommy I prayed for you guys to get back together and we was just like God answered my prayer God answered my prayers I was like whoa and I was like that's crazy how God is already showing her at that young age that he's a prayer sory you know he's there with her already yeah such a young age I mean scripture does says you have to be childlike to receive his kingdom Wow so before we go into the conversation of you guys considering getting back together you know just is it is this safe to say that like when when you don't have an understanding of what love is we'll come from and how to stay connected to it not only does it affect every horizontal relationship it affects your children as well definitely yeah we seen it firsthand yeah we've seen it firsthand us jumping into something not knowing how to be parents yeah not ever having a conversation on how we want to raise our kids or anything like that yeah huge effect yeah so the million dollar question I know we kind of jumped ahead of it a little bit like when the jaw began to recognize that possibly God was bringing y'all back together like I mean a lot happened both of you guys had an affairs rage anger and neglect rejection depression thoughts of suicide I mean there's a lot of stuff in the past but somehow they were still hope for y'all coming back together when did this start it to come in your thoughts that all right I'm willing to entertain at least going beyond friends and being beyond co-parenting that maybe we can give this a shot again I mean for me I always loved her yeah I was definitely at a point where as I would never get back with her but when I started seeing her at Life Group I started seeing her like at church like she doing here like mine tonight make sure she was always very sure the hair was done everything so I was just like I kind of wasn't thinking it at first yeah but I was just like I knew I was attracted to her again and like man you know like what if type of thing but I never entertained it yeah right away yeah so I like obviously you had desires for her when you were a teenager when you married her why why were you able to trust these desires it is the difference between the you wanting to pursue her as a teenager and now that you pursuing her after the divorce yeah what was what was the reasons why these desires can be trusted yeah I think because in those desires I didn't really know who I was as a man I just seen it was all okay I didn't know what I was getting myself into but now I took time I pursued a relationship now I'm secure in myself I'm not looking for her to meet needs that I should be meeting myself and between you and God between me and God I felt like I was Hall again and that's the key you you you felt now you were at a place of wholeness yeah to where you weren't necessarily looking to her meet your needs but you were more so looking to meet her needs exactly yeah and what about you like why why did you feel like your desire cuz obviously you guys felt the same way yeah you actually said this prayer but how did you know that this wasn't just the same desire that you had as a teenager how do you how did you know that this desire is God versus just me possibly just being used to this person for me is like with the connection with God and him talking to me after the prayer and my specific prayer to him not looking back or turning back and wanting to become that wife that I should become I was like looked at him and I was like like this is it like he said I've always loved him always cared for him regardless of it so when we was when we talked about like maybe doing it I was just like just be it just being that just all I can't I just this feeling is just like okay this this is it yeah this is this is it was just nothing but I like this is it yes so there were several contributing factors yeah y'all both had a relationship with God so your desires were able to be a little bit more trusted because you you had God in your life you love Jesus always and you were a believer but you didn't necessarily have an intimate relationship where first and then I know Antonio you and I was talking in that process also the desire not having anyone else raising your kids yeah I know that was new for me man and I've always liked having a stepfather and I just we didn't click he was there for my mom he wasn't there for us he never like I can't remember having a conversation where this guy was kind of in and out our life for like at least 10 years yeah and when they actually split for real had no contact with him so I didn't want to put my kids through that why any say-so over it so I was like man I I don't want anyone raised my kids don't what my kids don't tell him what to do it just yeah I couldn't do it you know I know for us you know we were skeptical at first for sure but there were a few prophetic voices that came into the situation from community the you know more community of young adults and doing life I know pastor Terence was one of those who talked about this could be the greatest love story of Jesus and His grace and I remember Chiara also mentioning how she had a dream that you guys had got back together and she actually shared that dream with me before y'all were even at the entertaining process and I remember that I felt God wasn't telling me to share because he was doing a work in you guys but he got to a place that I remember she's sharing it and I know Antonio you and I talked to where there was still this reservation of what people would think yeah if I get back with my ex-wife after quote unquote she put me through holidays yeah but we came to you and we actually began to say Haitian they is a different person yeah I know my wife was mentoring her I begin to see her change how did that help having not only God kind of endorsing it through your desires by the community yeah now validating like not that you needed it but just say hey we're on board were you interesting it helped a lot because it comes back to that moment to where am I going to care about what people think and care about my image because like you said I was worried about how man like man people don't think I'm dumb they gonna say this but it was that moment to where all right let me put her before my image and even her before how I look and I really felt it was God and then with community validating it and my my brother cuz I had came to him one time I was like hey man um they told me I should get back with today and he was like nah that's bad idea but then he called me back like a couple minutes later and said he was really convicted and I know my brother hears from God yeah he was really convicted I should have never said that I apologized wow that was like the icing on the cake I was like I wish I think we should we should get it let's do it yeah yeah and I know ultimately it really shares the story of Jesus Christ and how his love for the world is unfailing unchanging and the love that you guys have for each other in spite of all of what you guys went through with each other it never failed you know so I know in marriage number one y'all did relationships our marriage from a place of making me happy and y'all second marriage this marriage now how long have you guys been married now so this two years two years so now there's a there's a mindset that that you guys don't just do marry from a place of making me be you now recognize that marriage is about making you holy yep and which means if you're doing marriage from a place of wholeness the number one way to keep your marriage alive it's a die to yourself yeah so I love how you guys are both picking up your cross dying to selfishness giving life by pursuing selflessness and your marriage of course it's not perfect but it's growing it's driving and now you have this amazing testimony to share with the world what's one thing that you would like to share in our final moments about marriage and just the importance of protecting it I would like to share a man just making sure before you jump into it or that you know who you are and you have a strong connection with with Jesus because without having him it is gonna be hard and also having community people that you can talk to yeah share your feelings with share what you're going through yeah because you got it takes you know it takes a lot to be able to you know stay in a marriage and you know and do it right so I definitely like genuinely say like have a relationship with Jesus Christ yeah and make sure that you know exactly what you're getting into and make sure you know exactly who you are before you step into yeah yeah yeah I definitely second day you have to be one at home with God before he can be one with somebody else absolutely I know at the marriage or excuse me at the wedding when we get married spiritually were one this process of one is is something that we're always pursuing so oneness yeah so I think until Jesus comes our two edad we're always growing into oneness and as as we've learned in our ministry that the number one cause of death is selfishness the number one cause of divorce is selfishness but the number one cause to keep marriage alive and thriving is selflessness so thank you guys for sharing this story and being vulnerable you guys actually have a book coming out yes the name of the book three voices two lives one live yes where you guys are unpacking more in detail and there's a lot or to the story that we obviously couldn't cover more in depth that's so powerful so profound you guys are more vulnerable in the book yes when can we expect that to come out okay but coming soon coming soon 2018 2019 okay 2019 you can't you can't rush perfection right excellent yeah so I'll be able to look out for the book three voices two lives one love and it means three places me him and got to live someone left the three of us a three four core doesn't get easily broken the love of Jesus

Channel: Mission

Views: 37,944

Rating: 4.913486 out of 5

Keywords: marriage, christian, love, Jesus, gospel

Id: M-mfxpgg5Lg

Length: 52min 16sec (3136 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 16 2018