Mann Co No More #6 - The Naked and the Dead

[Music] Team [Music] [Music] Fortress where the [Music] hell um hello oh it's you well you might as well come in where are we you know nobody's ever dropped by that I've been able to ask this is where I wake up when I die all the cameras face inward you see so all you can look at is yourself for eternity presumably very poetic I'm only ever here for an hour or so usually I just read magazines and smoke none of this is real is it you're just this is all in my head if you like maybe I'm not here at all maybe I'm just a flickering memory in your dying brain or maybe I am real and we're discussing the nature of reality in my own private hell in which case congratulations you've somehow figured out how to make eternity more boring honestly pick one I've never had much patience for the abstract what matters is you've died and that means you failed okay yes I failed the Australian you sent me to get it's gone it's gone ma'am and of course you just gave up didn't you you have no idea how important this is so tell me administrator I know you're planning something big I've always known and I've never asked not once because I trust did you then when we got there you'd have a place for me Helen please I need to know what's going on tell me Miss polling if you never questioned my intentions in a decade under my employ because you trusted me why are you asking now what is it you want blood it's not enough I need more I need more blood more blood she's coming around medic part six the naked and the dead wait what happened I thought we all died Heavens no well yes but only momentarily your heart's barely had time to stop beating the robots merely dren out all of your blood so I just put the blood back in slush I refuse to believe it's that easy I know yeah why do people even go to medical school wait how did you separate all the blood types different types of blood Miss Pauling came back stupid H yes what foolishness Miss Pauling I've been using my own underwear to sponge blood out of Puddles trust me the type is the least of your problems oh God are we going to be okay I would drink plenty of water oh and blood if you can find any oh yeah wait aren't those robots that killed all of us in 5 seconds yes I saw very embarrassing for you right so how the hell is demo doing that yes I was pleasantly surprised as well if I had to guess I'd say drinking Demo's blood is giving some more alcohol poisoning but he hasn't had a drop of liquor since we got to the island how is he heart status report we've managed to convert the stomach into a Distillery sir convert the lungs too if it's Hollow it's in me budy put it to work tavish look who came Crawling Back hello liver get Bor of your champagne parties and golden shrimp Forks did you tavish I never even left your rectum I know oh we'll have plenty of time for that later but we should get back to work while you were ganting around in me and having a fight all time me and the lads invented a way to fer met bone marrow look sharp there boys I hate this job these guys are morons lunatics they're the laughing stock of the mercenary world how the hell are they uh B me and the boys were talking and uh we were wondering how we're going to get paid do I look like I'm in the mood to talk about this Fred you always get paid why bring it up now well for one you never killed the guy paying us before two I've been standing here 10 minutes watching you yell at his spine you're worried about money I'm holding a machine that will let us live for ever Fred yeah about that I also can't help noticing that you ain't holding five of them so make more you're an engineer aren't you well sure but this ain't exactly upgrading a turret here come on man immortality machines magic rocks hell that damn thing's more biology than engineering just so we're not here all day what can you do Fred well I've been looking at the old man's robot thought I could probably get the Sentry Busters up and running or maybe get them all up and running now I want these idiots dead Miss Pauling Scout heavy thank God you're alive you Ed you look terrific have you lost weight I lost most of my blood nice your hair looks great too thanks it's covered in my blood Miss Pauling I'm you know what I'm just glad you're okay ah yes Miss ping you may not want to get squeezed by anyone for well ever I suppose that blood is going to be slotting around in there for a while sister what are you doing here Misha I am so happy to see you Jah where is your hand I saw it off with scrap of metal to kill woman torturing me yes of course good wait what is this where did you get this necklace of human ears sister no hello brother-in-law good news you're going to be a grandfather he is going to impregnate me brother and then I punched a his Rock real hard and it moved like 10 ft and heavy was like holy crap you're super strong I was like shut up for a second and let me think cuz all the australium is gone I knew it wait you always know I was strong cuz that's a thing we could explore what about the australium did you find out who took it oh uh not as such no these are the The Rock in question but oh we did find Sexton hail though really great we could use the help where is he he's right huh that's funny him and his big mean girlfriend were right behind us oh de that is Rumble that is not sex to nail behind us we ins sore that W for four days looking for that cougar but we found him in the end didn't we mags beat that crap out of him too remember there was that boat full of hippies chopped in there screaming oh please help us when do those dim wits learn they look just like a boat full of sausages to a whale remember when we did it in the whale sax do I own everything mags the stomach the liver the hot the cougar C Mr hail if you're going to jump it needs to be now we are out of fuel she sex how long have we been drawing off for that big fell in the rat boy jumped an air ago Tom fls with you mags always did you know I've been thinking once we get that Australia off gray man darling promise you get me Manco back mags you should come run it with me just the two of us would that be great Megs do not worry men I have crapped my way out of jams Tougher Than This surrounded on one side ha these tin cans couldn't surround their own metal asses with both hands I oh they're on both sides of us then we are going to die it's a good thing we ain't got any guns Soldier cuz I'd shoot you right now before these robot to kill us where did hail go I told you we couldn't trust that smelly bag of muscles just a big hairy coward if you ask me now Sub sub M mcken no wait let me start over sub Scout read faster Oh no I got the gist holy crap guys look who just showed up with a bunch of submachines seon hell smish Sasha I have missed your [Music] voice okay Fatman how about you go first knock knock damn it all whoever that is your knocking just cost me a head shot Virgil it's me let me in uh-huh and how do I know it's you Verge three of us are dead in the boss is pissed now let me in oh God damn it apricot sh pack it up boss want you back in the com room now has he lost his damnn mind I've got him dead to R down there they've got guns now Fred wait what when just now some naked guy fell out of the sky with a load of weapon crates oh bloody hell well maybe that's what the boss wants to talk about I know he's got something planned anyway yeah fine let's go apricot sh BL b b b b B why would the boss want his sniper out of a sniper's nest during the middle of a firefight apricot just so he can tell me to get back to my sniper's nest and start shooting people apricot apricot yeah that's not going to work you might want to come up with some better Last Words wh buer bugger yeah buer Fred and I have been working together since before the war for what it's worth that was a good Fred not good enough evidently no it would have fooled me thing is I know Fred so well I trusted him to pluck out my eyes and replace them with these te Tech damn things see through everything can't sleep at night they see through my eyelids but let me tell you it's worth it to see you rat spies coming well before you kill me would you mind if I had a cigarette sure but take one of mine I don't want you smoking one of them sard cigarettes you boys like so much don't want you going quick I'm going to take my time with this ch right now just think this through a second sir I'm sitting on a bam th if I forgot to mention it before now you snipers are the worst people on the planet he wasn't a sniper he was a sadist there's a difference snipers don't muck around with gut shots and monologues we just take the shot yes you're a credit to the institution of shooting people from far away some of us would have enjoyed torturing him first by way yeah well next time speak up before I blow his head off let's have one of them sigs so how do you reckon we get out of here so after you shot sniper technically I was only present you brought him back from the dead ingeniously so yes well that's all right then could I trouble you for the hydrogen peroxide hey here you go D this won't take a moment you know doc I've always wondered you can bring a man back to life why can't you grow me another eye oh of course I can the procedure is quite simple really [Music] what you mean to tell me all these years you could have put me eye back anytime you bloody liked could have my friend I've given you back your eye at least eight times and every time it functions normally until Halloween night at which point it grows bad WIS and attacks us we f a giant your eye a Dracula your eye a brain in a jar your eye a KN Fielding ventriloquist dummy your eye one year it traveled back in time and tried to become our parents the point is in my medical opinion and as a man of science I do not say this lightly that eye socket is haunted wait why don't I remember any of this oh that I scooped that part of your brain out so you'd stop asking me I hey fair enough hold on I did just ask you H I know sadly brain scoping is not an exact science my advice would be to try to not remember things don't remember things God that's the spirit also your leg is fixed I even gave it a turn little brain so get out there let's see what that does you've got it kindly stranger [Music] Frankenstein here's what's going to happen we're going back to your lab and we are going to figure out how to stitch this thing into me of course let's get you on an operating table and and you'll put me under and you'll kill me I ain't stupid no you're going to tell my guy how to do it please I'm a doctor you will not die on my table I'll just kill you here slash ah what what the hell what the hell did you just do here let me show [Music] you dear God you've been a coward since the day I hired you I got to say I did not see that coming but now now you got my full [Music] attention wait wait sub machine you still need me I am the only one nah you were just the closest the old woman she knows and now I know where she is hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made doc you've been so God knows what into us for months now it's my turn how about I start by sawing youring arms off and sewing them up your D do not hit doctor ah the big guy finally heard a lot about you big man I ain't going to lie I've been looking forward to this but I guess not huh you got me dead to right here go on then do it you want a good [Music] death I can give this to you he has a gun coward I should have known you would not want to fight fair see here's the thing blend blend that's exactly what I want you you killed doctors yeah you caught that huh two onone that sound fair to you you want a fair fight big man now you got one you killed doctor locked and loaded you got everything you need well I got bullets in my gun if that's what you mean but no Ross I don't got everything I need oh man not this again Greg the boss going crazy trying to live forever it just how much time do we really have left Greg I know you're dealing with a lot of stuff right now but we got men to kill here why for money Ross when has money ever made you happy oh man what would you give right now to go back and do it all over do it right this time follow our Dream oh man think about it that old Safe House in Newark we clear those grenade crates out it'd make a hell of an orphanage wouldn't it Greg how we doing this let's do this we are going to have an endless supply of free kids to Ross why you cover in gasoline click where is everybody we're getting freaking swarmed here June blam I don't know did spy just leave yeah leaving about all all he's good for trust me and what the heck happened to pyro he oh there he is hey there soldier is jna and [Music] then see what did I tell you I've done this a million times see full frontal bravery number 1 through 1 million all new Tales of Valor number 1 through 145 naked Soldier and clothed Scout Adventures number one the wind on your skin the looks of Terror on your enemies and teammates faces the Tom at first I am agreeing with everyone that this is tactically and morally and sanitarily wrong but now I see I have never felt so free you said it son there are no barriers between us and the naked Carnage we are committing yes the nudity the violence I love you and I love America then show these bers how much you love love it sister slash why uh why don't we go fight somewhere less naked you go ahead I'll catch up admited sex you're going to miss this where all right look you made your point would you stop for a fing second and listen I've got an immortal it machine you get what I'm saying here we could both live forever where cre you killed my friend K I do not need to live forever Just long enough to sit here and watch you die you might not want to sit down just yet big guy in this thing working was a lot less complicated than I thought I wonder where the others are yes I was wondering the same thing except about your pants and when you'll be putting some on it's nothing but robots and Rubble here mate we are not exactly snaking through a Pants Store I still don't see why you couldn't have stolen pants off of the dead man you do know what people do in their pants when they die right yes I'm aware it would still be preferable here I have an idea give us your coat a said give us I heard exactly what you said Bushman this is a $10,000 custom tailored Louis crab Marche jacket Z cloth is from silk worms raised at a suit microfarm in Tuscany from a secret pattern passed down by Monk tailor since the 7eventh century I will let you use it as an adult diaper when you pry it off of my cold dead body oh hey guys see all these robots that's me I did that last one got a couple lucky swings in the how am I looking does it look bad it looks good right yeah I'll probably be okay man am I tired by the way mate yes I know give us a moment Scout there's something I need to tell you yeah Okie doie make it quick though I am real tired for some reason I I'll be right back okay oh hey a bright light there something I could walk toward what's new [ __ ] cat oh my God I knew you'd come Tom Jones Scout do you know my hit song Sex Bomb I'm in life human on earth ain't I check this crap out it's a sex born tattoo yeah it is spilled incorrectly yeah it is wait is it Scout 27 years ago I dropped a sex bomb on your mother I was young then and I ran from the explosion but now the Fallout of that sex bomb has caught up with me this is where the analogy starts to break down so if it's all right with you I'll retire the sex ball metaphor no yeah sure thank you you're strong longer than you'll ever know Jeremy I'm proud of you I've always been proud of you son freaking [Music] awesome whoa where am I boom you're in heaven dummy thank God you're now we can finally hang out you like foosball holy crap you guys got a foosball table up here a foosball table oh dearest child three foosball tables holy crap Heaven is the best Scout can I ask you a favor for you God name it can you Flex for me just once okay okay got to focus you're flexing for God here this is the most important Flex you'll ever do probably here we go let there be Fleck too bright too glorious so manto man the Ladi is back on Earth they've all laying with you right what no why were they supposed to what yes you are my gift to them jeez that's what I've been saying of all the ungrateful all that does it I'm going to send a plager flood y why even be clever I'm just going to blow up the earth a come on God don't destroy Humanity they're good people at heart just a bunch of Dum Dums trying their best fine I'll send you back but I swear this is their last chance to all have sex with you you well you'd better get going oh and Scout yeah God I wish you were my son yeah you do but I already got a dad and his name is Tom Jones Tom Jones but your father isn't oh right yes Tom Jones is Tom Jones is your farmer what's new Pussycats man I just dropped a sexy bomb on that steam room say who's up for some foosball how about you young fellow you look like next snap what is that cracking noise we're making popcorn you need to go see you December 4th 1987 it's a date later guys should we bury him if you're hiding a shovel rinse it off and give it to me I could use a weapon well I'll be you have got to be fing kidding me there's another wave coming Lo me up sweetie I am going out on a blaze of honey bottle is empty what we cannot fight unlubricated then we would just be naked what else we got oh here are Drums of gasoline Jah you are a genius now you can light me on fire yes I will light us both on fire oh you are going to love it our eyes will be the first to boil away years will be the next thing to go on second thought do not light us on [Music] fire jna look we killed So Many Robots Miss Pauling is buried under a pile of them I am concerned for her but also proud of us she made worthy sacrifice you will be missed right but she is clearly still alive yes fine lift pH pH pH up come on come on administrator it's Pauling I'm here hello Miss Pauling enie where have you been where are you well now I can't say where I am but I am with her and I hate to put a rush on it but I'm going to need that australium yall were looking for Angie it's gone it's it's well it's sort of in space I'm so sorry oh man this is bad yeah I know look it's my fault just put her on I'll give her the bad news well she can't come to the phone right now she's dead I'll have her call you back wait what hello enie who is on the phone Janna can I tell you a secret yes this is fine I that was my boss she's planning something big she's been planning it her whole life for a lot of lifetimes actually and I think I screwed it all up you have broken something so you will fix it and we will help thanks and and I want you to know I'm sorry for what I said back there in the submarine you are a part of the team thank you you are a weak woman but you have strong skull Miss falling I also want to tell you secret what um yeah of course stay away from my man what I see you watching him I understand look at this any woman would want this what are you girls gabing about I am telling Miss paing I will kill her if she looks at you again I knew it for shame Miss Pauling you are my boss you have been undressing me with your eyes since we escaped my eyes would have have to dress you first because you have been literally naked the entire time we've been on the island I have fought naked my whole life but I have never felt naked until this moment for shame Miss polling for shame you idiots why can't you be professionals hello naked sniper [Music] he very impressive Mr lwi I've been looking through your file you've been a real monster up there honestly you probably would have ended up here anyway I feel silly that we even bothered with a contract I'd say you got the better of us on this one still a Deal's a deal and here you are I'm sure you'll find the paperwork in order if you could just initial buy your original signature we'll get you out of here and on your way to hell yes let's see oh now this is interesting here in article 9 section 7 it says the contract is only binding if you own a majority steak in my soul so but we own all of your soul you sold it to us ah originally yes this was the case but you see I've since surgically added eight more however I do concede that with one n's ownership you've certainly earned a seat on the board of directors of my Souls so let's put it to a vot who thinks I should go to hell excellent so that's one vote for hell and eight for heaven if you could call me a car we will not be denied well there is another option if you were to send me back to Earth say for another 50 years well you're a clever man you attempted me once after all I'm sure you'll figure out a way to trick me out of my other eight souls in fact that's a lovely looking pen I said that's a lovely looking pen would you give me a soul for this I would oh what have I done see you're well on your way I don't like my chances at any rate I really should get going I'll give you this for a bunch of losers you guys sure are hard to kill you are a coward you think I care wi winning pal excuse me could I trouble for you for a moment Frankenstein but I shot how is that a pen at one point yes now it's a Detonator more of an inductor really I'm terrible at naming things either way it induces labor in what in the baboon uterus I put inside you I think I gave you yes triplets three healthy baboon fetuses maybe four I've lost count the important thing is when I press this button they will instantly grow into fully developed baby baboons in your abdomen on the small ends they're usually about 30b at Birth although a healthy male can reach up to 80 lb and that's without the fertility hormones I've been putting in your ration so who's ready to be a mother are you kidding me of course I'm kidding you it's a pen No you idiots I could have I could have [Music] lived it's good to have you back doctor it is good to be back my friend H baboon triplets steroids pregnancy Pen only you could come up with Bluff that insane doctor oh it's was nothing any field medic versus bone saw is skilled at the art of improvisation there is ah there what is this the actual baboon pregnancy and doctor I simply couldn't get to my medical kit in time three baboons how Preposterous the human body can just State one maybe two baboons at most click anyway robot punch and that's the last of the robots Lads look there's heavy and medic oh no no no no not this too it's it's all gone how the hell did you beat us we spent six months hunting down our best Echelon Citadel team Vanguard for God's sake we got them all we beat her all she had left was you rejects how the hell you want to know how we beat you I I honestly have noing clue maybe it was just look maybe it was something else it's because we don't have SS what well they don't but uh nothing carry on I don't know what to tell you but either way we're Team Fortress and you're [Music] dead nice I managed to get the whole speech out before he died this time you're getting very good at saying horrible things to dying men this PO [Music] right TI how long about 4 hours this time talked to Pauling and you New Zealand cash is gone how much do we have left uh well this this here's the last bit of australium on Earth ma'am no no that's unacceptable we'll simply have to find more ma'am there is no more there is always more Mr coniger we just have to find it I don't think you're hearing me ma'am not this time it's gone shut up smash Mr coniger would you escort me to my private quarters please ma'am I I know this ain't easy but with the mark 5 this much could still get you five 6 months of life it's not just for me right that old debt you've been settling you think maybe it's time you told me about that my family's been working for you for well a long damn time you never told me and I never asked I am sorry that whatever you were trying to accomplish here you didn't get to I truly am but ma'am it is over no you're right I've tried to keep this going as long as I could I even thought I was done once I still crave it as much as I did when I was a little girl I don't think I'll ever stop wanting it it's become everything but you're right it's over and if I'm going to call an end to all of it well well why not look my best you used all of it ma'am you you just cut yourself down from 6 months to an hour if you're lucky more than enough time let's end this once and for all to be [Music] concluded

Channel: The Beard

Views: 3,940,251

Keywords: team, fortress, tf2, valve, demo, demoman, engie, heavy, medic, pyro, engineer, scout, soldier, sniper, spy, pauling, administrator, tfc, classic, comic, dub, voice

Id: XizDt7OMbe8

Length: 40min 27sec (2427 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 11 2017