-So I had this apartment
to myself for 10 years because I was having
an affair with my boss and he paid half the rent so we'd have someplace nice
to do it. But then he got murdered. And I couldn't really
afford it on my own. So what's your story? -Well, since my marriage ended,
I've been living at the Palace. And even though I've made a lot
of swell friends, it's lonely. I want a-a real home. With r-- With real people. I mean, you're real, right? [ Tab pops ]
-Super real. So... Okay, true or false? I'm easy to live with. -Um, true. -False. I'm a nitpicker supreme. I think it comes from all
my years as a professional in the music biz. -You're in music?
-Yeah. I didn't want to put it on
the ad because then, you know, you just get a bunch of wannabes
knocking on the door. I'm an office manager
for the company that does those collections
you see on TV, you know, "Hits of the '80s,"
"Ladies of the '80s," "Rock Ballads of the '80s." "The '90s." -Well, I can see why you'd want
to keep that a secret, Liz. if people are really liking you
just for you or the '80s hits. I mean, you must never know -So, um, you should know that, you know, I-I-I like things done
a certain way. Just ask Melissa and Keith. They work under me. Like, if they're five minutes
late for work, I look at my watch... I look at them,
and they just get it. Oh, my God.
I totally just bragged. Please tell me to shut up. Cut to me still
talking about myself. Um, Liz, I know we haven't
known each other very long, but I think that you might be just about the most interesting
person I've ever met. I could learn tons from you. -Okay, okay, true or false? I think you're great. -Um, false. -True!
-Oh, this game is so hard. [ Both laugh ] Wow, that may have been
the greatest day of my life. I love errands. They're like mini adventures
for undesirables. -Okay, so your half of the bill
is $30.45. And don't try rounding it down
like my last roommate, 'cause that is just F'ed up. -Well, you don't have to
worry about me, Liz. I intend to pull my own weight
around here. -Now, did you take a look
at the chore wheel? Because you're in charge
of emptying the ant traps and organizing the CD tower. -Wow. How did I go my whole life without ever learning
any of those words? -Karen, you shouldn't have
bought this cheesecake. I'm, like, totally
eating healthy this week. Ugh! Cut to me eating
this whole cheesecake. -Oh, Liz. I love when you do "cut to me." -Everybody does. -Oh, Lizzie,
I rented us a video. [ Laughs ] -You are going to get me
into so much trouble. -If you're lucky. -You're crazy.
-Like a fox. -I doubt it.
-You wish. -Don't I ever.
-You and what army? [ Laughs ] Oh, Lizzie. I'm so glad we're roomies. You know, I've lived with men
practically my whole life. I mean, the bond that can grow
when two single gals I didn't know
what I was missing. share a tacky apartment with too
many clocks and vanilla candles -You know what, Karen? Guys just mess everything up
or get murdered. We are strong,
independent career women. We don't need men
to make us happy. -You said it, sister. [ Glasses clink ] So you want to go see
if we can get laid? -[ Burps ] Totally. ♪♪♪ -♪ With a little bit of uh-uh
and a little bit of uh-uh ♪ ♪♪♪ -Thanks, Tony. That's Tony. When I first started coming
here, I thought he was gross. Cut to me flat on my back
on his futon. -God, this is great. Casual sex, mooky bartenders,
dirty futons. This is the stuff of life. I'm gonna get an STD tonight. -Man, I am so buzzed. -You want to French?
-Not right now. -Okay.
-I got my eye on this guy. I think he's really into me,
or at least he's gonna be. -I've got my eye
on someone, too. Let me look for him. -♪ So take off
all your clothes ♪ [ Both gasp ] -There he is!
-There he is! -Kurt!
-Kurt! -Wait, you can't like him.
I like him. -But I like him, too. -You have to back off.
-Why? -Because it's the first rule
of being a good roommate. -Then why don't you back off?
-Because I saw him first. -How do you know?
-How do you know I didn't? Damn, you're street smart. -I'm going for it.
-I'm going for it, too. -Hey, Kurt, mind if I join you? -Or would you rather be dancing
with the office manager? -Well, I'm kind of dancing
with her. -You know, I was here. -And now you're gone. Hey, Kurt, check this out. -♪ Vokal tank top,
on at this point ♪ ♪ You with a winner,
so, baby, you can't lose ♪ -Hey, Kurt, look at me. Uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh
uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh. -Kurt, Kurt. Oh. -Kurt. Kurt, yeah.
Here I am. I'm your lady, Kurt. -Take it, take it, yeah. -Whoo! [ Laughs ] -Yeah.
-Oh, yeah. -Oh, oh, yeah.
-Oh, baby. -Oh, oh. Kurt, have you been working out? -[ Gasps ] -Wait, you're not Kurt. -You're not Kurt, either. Now look what you've done. -Me? You scared him off
with your big boobies and your weird bisexual vibe. He was into me. You're an oddly confident
40-year-old secretary. -No one's into you. -I'm a professional
in the music business with two people
working under me. -Melissa and Keith hate you. -Take it back?
-[ Gasps ] No. -Yes.
-[ Gasps ] [ Grunts ] -Oh! Oh.
[ Fabric tears ] You ripped it. This is everybody's
favorite top on me. -Who's everybody?
Melissa and Keith? They hate you!
[ Laughs ] [ Gasps ] Give me that!
Give me that! -You know, of all my bad
roommate experiences, this has been the third worst. That born-again Asian queen
with the guinea pig was a better roommate than you. -Yeah? Well, of all the bars
I've ever been kicked out of, that one had the best
onion blossom. -News flash -- I want you out. You're a sucky roommate. -What? You mean you're gonna
end our friendship over some man in Dockers
with Red Bull breath? -I could have loved him. I want you to write me a check for the rest
of the month's rent and get out. -You know, I just wanted to try
a new experience. -Make it out to the landlord,
Walker Property Management. Oh, and add on $1.09. You ate one of my yogurts. -Let's see. How do I break this to you? True or false?
I own this building. -Huh?
-True. [ Chuckles ] Yeah, I am Walker
Property Management. And I think I want you out. -Wait a minute.
We're -- We're roommates. We're friends.
We could be lovers. I'll take that French now. -Sorry, Lizzie Boredom.
You've left me no choice. That's right.
Cut to you living in a dumpster.
