Made the best decision at the time, but today is a new day.

ah kirsten you're addicted to baked cheese crunchies too welcome to the baked cheese crunchies fan club y'all um does anybody remember what size trimmer i had on last time because i don't remember which size trimmer i had on last time aaron should i just shave my sides completely why don't you say everything shake everything aaron says literally shave everything we get a poll and chat as to whether june should shave her entire head should i shave my entire head now ko welcome to seeing my hair being destroyed tonight um are we talking about getting vaccines i feel like people are talking about getting vaccines um listen guys i've shaved my head before it was not a good look okay it was just really not a good look and my philosophy is try to try everything once maybe twice but like just wasn't it guys it was not it why don't you cut some of the longer hair instead i kind of like the longer hair because if it's long i could still bunch it up into a bun at the very top of my hair um congrats yoshi i'm about to get my second shot tomorrow guys um do you think i should walk to the bronx again is it the same time of day it is not the same time of day okay it's during the day it is during the day correct it is early afternoon um you didn't miss anything yet fred's been a patient boy i forgot i was a half hour late to feeding him today but he was just patiently waiting did you realize that before i passed as aggressively said fred you've been such a patient boy uh i didn't actually hear you say that so i had headphones on so i guess i guess he uh almost starved to death today he almost starved to death today um sorry i don't have my laptop out so your chats are going by very fast um wow cece congrats on surviving the thunderstorm yikes hi jeff jeffrey would you like his plate by the camera no it's fine he can stay there let him eat okay i can't see it there see you're too close now just letting me eat at the original spot there all right i'm tying my hair up so that we could see better where all of the uh loose ends are i'm trying to do a thorough job oh my god holy shmoles gigi your life is a freaking movie girl i'm so glad you found her um that is a tumultuous week for you i hope you can sleep better um yeah we were all pretty worried but i'm glad we have a happy ending today all right guys um you know if i'm making the wrong cut you're responsible for just screaming through your computer screens until i hear it and if i end up looking completely a disaster it's your fault yeah fred agrees i think that's fair right um okay so our mission today is to re-up these little sides um and get rid of this tuft that we didn't get rid of last time because i was feeling lazy and i was like let's just leave it but it looks really ugly guys uh let's be honest real ugo um so hey aaron yes do you think you can grab that handheld mirror for me in the bathroom that's like really gross now with dust and grime and potential fecal matter it don't matter yeah it's been in the bathroom you know gets around literally um i don't know how you poop june but i normally thank you so much look at aaron being a genteel man guys this looks like a disaster on this side why didn't you tell me last time it was a bad idea to leave it and now we have to waste another plastic bag aaron would not let me buzz his hair he would die before he would let me do that no i don't do buzz so do you think i should have a 1 16 and thank you do you think i should have a 1 16 inch guard on or should i just go straight for i feel like this might take off chunks of my skin actually i'm going to put the guard on i didn't do this on stream obviously but check it out everybody rocky bro it was broth city today um is hair compostable [Music] i would say no because everything that farms take for compost should degrade and decompose at the same rate and hair even though it is bio matter it takes a ton of time to actually break down so i would not recommend putting hair in your combo skies [Music] hair is a pest turn oh interesting wait put it out for the birds to eat or for the birds to hate what you guys you guys are wild all right this gives me some reflectiveness there you go there you go now i can see all of my bad decisions full view amazing wow um hand-eye coordination is about to get off he scarfed down that first course well you starved him yeah half an hour starve guys what's the difference between the guard the blading up and the blade being retracted what is this take off the clip and you'll see now do it so like what is it it's just that's that makes it shorter or longer just a little bit without a click ah without a clip so it's like a built-in guard right gotcha gotcha wow look at look at you guys you guys know so much and i'm learning things um is it monday happy monday yes jeff duh of course what do you think we're all here for with a buzzer in my hand and the two mirrors set up sitting on the floor that's a little slow sometimes uh stacy i've worn this shirt so many times it is a album cover called onion and the artist is chase underwood segliere and it's jun's favorite artist i really like this album i really like this album wait there we go [Music] have fun thank you [Music] why was this so much easier last time guys i feel like i went through last time and it was like zip zip zip and now i don't feel great maybe maybe because last time we had um so much hair and today is just like not a lot of hair and so it doesn't feel like i'm doing the right thing i'm not sitting on my yoga mat i'm sorry [Music] mom [Music] all right this tuff has got to go fold my hair down [Music] oh yeah i definitely trimmed off something i wasn't supposed to whoops that's too bad i also think i have hair stuck in my ear hole now it's never coming out oh it feels awful okay all right wow that's not too bad not too bad guys not too bad look at me go i'm so proud of myself um i'm sure you've noticed i'm a little bit more unhinged today it's just it comes with the territory of being alive you know some days you're more unhinged let it be let yourself be ow that was my ear [Music] [Music] do we keep the baby hairs up front or do we shave the baby hairs can't decide baby hair keeper baby hair shave looks a little bit awkward guys just a wee bit awkward wow uh there's no more food for you up there buddy no more [Music] [Music] so [Music] so [Music] fred what you doing oh freda get off hey you go i love treats for you and the cups good boy hey do you know that if you tip this upside down you can get all of it i thought he was smart and then this week he was like i'm dumb he stopped playing with all the toys except the paper ones uh i don't know why but the first day i gave him the plastic toys he was doing great with them and then he just stopped using them it's like he doesn't know how to bat around a plastic thing but he knows how to fat around a paper thing um all right uh i think it looks okay i definitely went a little bit beyond my borders but it'll be fine i want to touch up a little bit [Music] you really um i've learned through years of cutting my own hair and buzzing my own hair that you really can't be too perfectionistic because it's always that like last two cut that ruins you you're just like a little bit more a little bit more perfect and then you just you it up um okay cool it feels really good guys i love the feeling of like a barely shaved head it just feels so unfeathered okay other side crazy barbie here we go times two have you tried the duck duck go trick for when you're frozen uh cece i don't know if you're the one who dm'd me on instagram uh you probably are i tried it but by the time i tried it i was no longer frozen so when i logged in it was just like a normal login screen for me i didn't get any notifications i would love to know what the hell is going on uh to my instagram but to this day i still don't know if somebody reported me or if i actually committed some sin on instagram that got me banned but i just don't know i just don't know is the hair growing from the buzz cut the same texture as your other hair ah i mean i guess i guess i'm back on instagram yes i've been back i was placed on a second 24-hour van of sorts and it was a really weird band because i um could still post the stories but i couldn't see my stories i couldn't see my feed i couldn't see other people's stories or other people's feeds and i couldn't tag people properly in my stories like i could only tag them if i recently tagged them and when i put the at sign they popped up on the bottom if they didn't pop up on the bottom i couldn't actually type in anyone's name so it was just really strange it's kind of like a half-assed ban and i don't really understand because i feel like if i violated they should have just shut me down completely rather than giving me this like gray scale of i just don't know guys it just feels weird i would understand it if they banned me but like they didn't totally ban me okay here we go so [Music] can i just say i don't remember when we last cut my hair has it been a week yet i'm i'm so sorry if i'm shouting too because the buzzer is really loud and the airplane is really loud and sometimes i don't hear myself and i shout like my half-deaf grandma um [Music] i love you grandma um but yeah it's grown to almost like three quarters of a centimeter since we last cut it so i don't know it grows pretty quick guys [Music] so oh my god what a fashion statement you guys this tuft of hair jesus christ uh renee one i don't know how you got here but you must have clicked on something and if you are scared i recommend you click out of it you can always take some steps back and retrace to go back to where you began [Music] rose i'm not going to i'm not going to keep it okay it's just like it's so weird guys am i not weird enough for you you want me to be like that weirdo with a tuft of hair i just i don't know if i'm that alternative yet guys that's just a little too alternative for me man i don't know how cool you guys think i am but i'm not that cool yet okay not yet one day we'll get there i also don't want to dye my hair so it's like uh i actually wouldn't mind a mohawk amy it's just a lot of upkeep uh because i don't want to pay for haircuts and so it's going to mean that i have to constantly trim it all the way around which might not be that hard actually i don't know i don't know guys uh all right slow and steady guys i feel like even though the left side is my dominant side i'm going to this side up more probably the most interesting concept i learned in high school that still stayed with me was the concept of hubris no other concept really lasted high school like i forgot all of my calculus knowledge i thought okay not gonna lie this tuft is starting to look more and more sexy to me um this is hilarious guys whoa fred are you okay he's meowing on my mat what is he up to you kinky cat um it's so weird i think it would have been a statement if i left both tufts but now i just look like i up my haircut you know what i mean like what do you think i can't decide i feel like last time i was like cut at june and then i didn't cut it and then this time i'm like cut it june and then i'm not cutting it and then i'm going to end up regretting it again i'm not dyeing it i'm not dying right guys okay we're saving it or we're shaving it sorry uh this is probably the most libra you'll ever seen see me be [Music] [Music] um why is this tough so hard to cut i feel like i'm cutting into my edges oh my god my ear is so red um yeah it doesn't want to die and i want it to die so bad dye hair die jesus christ dude hand-eye coordination why is this so hard it's like what is reality there's always one side that is so much easier to do than the other [Music] guys [Music] is it because you're watching me cut it is it because i'm slanting on my angle am i not going vertically straight up this is so frustrating i just keep missing the spot [Laughter] oh man all right we're getting there we're getting that we're getting there we're close [Music] did i get it did i get it guys i think i got it i think i got it it's not very clean but i got it well that side's not very clean either huh oh well [Music] uh so what do we think are we satisfied is this perfect enough aka not perfect but perfect enough oh there's a tiny top this tiny tough is gonna be the death of me i swear good enough you guys are telling me good enough all right cool now i'm just covered in itchy hair looking fantastic i have cut aaron's hair yes um erin have you paid for a haircut since i met you no you have you went to rochester one year and got a haircut right um i've given aaron haircuts for maybe the past five years i would say ever since we got these clippers and we got these clippers while we were still at our last apartment where we were sharing with a roommate who had three cats and the apartment was a one bedroom for all three of us plus or three cats we lived in the kitchen area basically that was like it was basically like this but with a little bit more space um and it was a horrible living situation but yeah that was over four years ago so i would venture to guess i've cut his hair for the last five years would you be interested in meeting us through a zoom meeting i don't know that just we've brought up the zoom meeting idea before guys it just seems like a lot to handle to be honest so my answer is going to be no for now um just seems like too many things and very overwhelming and also how do you guys feel about parasocial relationships i feel like in this there goes another chunk of hair where did that come from um all right well we have to deal with it wherever it came from um you know like it's been a thing this past year that like we've all been inside our screens and people really find them attached to online personalities and then we develop these parasocial relationships where we think we know each other but do we actually i am pretty transparent with you guys though so you probably know more about me than you want to know or that i want you to know but here it is it's really easy to be transparent when there's literally nobody else on the other side of the screen oh my god i can't i keep finding hair that i didn't mean to [Music] oh jesus christ where is his hair oh my god all right well let us comb through this hair and we'll find that i have no hair on the back um yeah i mean the farts are a very superficial thing guys the more intense things are like why is june so transparent what trauma is she trying to mend through being so transparent that's when you get to like analyze why i am the weirdo that i am uh yes you can dye my hair blue if you want but the problem with blue dye on yellow bleach hair is it turns into a vomit green very very quickly um yeah it's a it's going to be a no for me on the zoom meeting guys it's a little overwhelming to be honest and i feel much safer in this space um is that hair loss on the razor i would be in deep trouble if hair loss came this fierce for me um do you guys hear the rain the rain is amazing right now it sounds so nice it's like just the right amount of rain where it patters against your window but it's not smattering against your window um sorry i miss all of your comments because they go by so fast so feel free to at me again if i didn't answer any questions sufficiently um i don't mind having invisible eyeballs on me but i think having a lot of physical eyeballs on me especially when i don't know where to look on my computer screen because you can't just you can't look at any one person and you can't look at the audience because zoom splits all the faces up into different slides um it's just intense uh i think a zoo meeting with like 10 people would even be uncomfortable for me especially if it's 10 strangers that i've never met before um so i also hate zoom guys i also hate zoom i hate looking at myself on it um would you join clubhouse i have no idea what clubhouse is jg what's your funny work story double pony yeah the double pony was really fun we could try it now let's see what other hair we'll find i magically cut off accidentally um guys we finished this haircut in 30 minutes that's really nice how long do you cook chicken broth if you don't have any meat on there you can let the bones go as long as you want the longer the more flavorful after about two or four hours i kind of just crack all the bones open and then i put them back in the pot so that you're kind of releasing a little bit of the innards of the bone and the marrow can kind of bleed out hi hi fred would you like to come here he doesn't come until there's treats um oh where did you get the soursop thing i got it from food bazaar i've never heard of clubhouse probably not i'm really done with social media guys i don't want a new platform i'm too old for it i feel like a boomer every new day every new day i find out something that i don't know about the internet and i just feel my age just feel it right guys here's the double pony look um some people dig it some people hate it you can feel about it however you want to feel but today what i've been doing is i have this upper pony and what i really like to do is take the bottom pony twist it and i don't know because i accidentally trimmed off my hair and i don't know where that hair came from um maybe now you can see a gaping patch in the back i don't know and then i just like wrap it around the top pony and then i put a scrunchie on there and then it just looks like i have a little wisp of hair isn't that crazy my favorite part is the clean up it's not too bad i probably took off a tuft here and there yeah i see where i see where it became very uneven but it'll be fine it will have to be fine um i can sit in my own filth for a very long time it'll just be very itchy 400 people my god everybody wants to see people up their hair on camera huh i don't know if mulan ever had this haircut i'm just gonna take a little brushy i'm gonna brush brush brush my little tiny hairs off um it's a britney moment yeah yeah i've been having britney moments all my life ever since the age of 13. i feel like uh does anybody else remember when they first oh my god i just broke this comb this little teeth womp womp r.i.p um does anybody else recall the moment when they felt the first onset of depression or just like the realization that life sucks because i think it was 13 for me i think i was in the eighth grade and the only event that i could tie it to was losing my watch i had a really cute watch um and i loved it i loved it so much um it was a brown leather band it had a gold uh face rim and on the plate which was like a creamy white there was eeyore eeyore in the middle of the plate and your's head is slightly lifted towards this sky of sorts not all the way sky but like more tree branch sky and the second hand was actually a transparent plate that moved and on the transparent plate were these butterflies and i used to remember just like adoring that watch and watching the butterflies turn on the second hand and then eighth grade i i lost it and i just feel like that was the first year that i experienced depression and i don't know if it was because i lost that watch or it just happened to coincide with that watch but i just remember feeling so distraught and maybe i've never lost something that i felt so strongly towards and i think i just like started identifying with eor a lot more eeyore spelled e-e-y-o-r-e is a animated character he's uh from winnie the pooh he's a donkey and he has a little tail that you can pin on um and he's always sad and moby he sounds like a sad pressed man yeah the little animal from winnie the pooh [Music] um so i love your i love that watch and i just remember eighth grade sucked eighth grade just sucked and i don't know if i ever grew out of my adolescence i don't know if anybody else feels that way but i feel like some days i really truly never grew out of my adolescence like i've obviously gotten older but i just feel like my mentality what age do i feel i don't know i feel simultaneously like i'm 12 or 13 and like i'm like 6 62. um so maybe if you average those out 13 and 62 make 75 divided by two about my age can you calculate h like that is that how age works is our age actually just an average of the two ages that we simultaneously feel do you miss my do you miss your teenage years i don't think so do i miss my 20s i wouldn't relive them if that's what you're asking i would not relive my life those were not good they were there were some really bad times in those years that i would not relive and just knowing that if i had to relive them i would still land here i'm just like get get it over with get this over with what now co 2014 uh where was i that was three years after i graduated college so i was already in new york i was probably making minimum wage just starting out in restaurants so i would not like to relive that 2014 is uh the year when i was burning at both ends tutoring at night making a second income and then working minimum wage during the daytime and i was just so burnt out and at that time i didn't realize that that was burned out i was just like yeah i'm gonna fall asleep on the train at night that's just how life is uh and this is the way that i'm gonna save up some money and make rent um but looking back woof woof june 1989 i wasn't really alive for much longer than three months in 1989 but i don't know if that was a good year for me honestly i don't think it was a great year for my parents so i would like to not relive that um looking back don't you feel strong that you did it i guess that's how you build character right as they say but would have been nice to not have to burn myself out like that just to make rent see if i were doing this on my own in private i would not have clothes on and the cleanup would be way easier but now i have to deal with this all right guys we did it i'm gonna grab my yoga mat and my computer and i'll be right back hello okay um well guys the exciting portion of the night is gone and if you just tuned in because there's still some house 380 of you you missed it i'm sorry you snooze you lose welcome to the boring portion of the live where i just stare into my phone camera and try to read all of your comments and try to engage you in conversation while discovering more about myself which is the real hidden agenda of these lives [Music] good morning good evening do you plan to make any changes after your second dose i've been thinking about this um i think i would like to try to go out more but i don't even know if that's something that feeling like i have the second dose of vaccine in me will really cure me right now like even though i have the opportunity to go outside after work most days i'm just so tired and so blah that i haven't gone outside i like i make it outdoors maybe one day a week just to walk and then maybe another two days to get groceries for work and i don't know why i feel bad that i'm not getting myself out there more and i feel like i've become very not normal in my habits and i've become like a recluse of sorts and i have and i don't really know why that is maybe it's just because i feel so shitty about myself that i don't really want to feel exposed outside we can do all sorts of psychoanalysis on this honestly um i still intend fully on wearing my masks i want to avoid indoor situations as much as possible and if i am indoors i intend on keeping my mask on um i just feel like i don't know i just feel like people are really impatient and people have this kind of blind trust in systems that always seem very paternalistic in its orders of like yeah we got this down we know exactly what we're doing and you're totally safe to take your mask off after the second dose everybody's safe let's go back to normal and i'm just like i don't trust you like why should i trust you i don't trust you i don't trust people um i don't trust people who say they've gotten their second doses either like i know there are going to be some out there who just claim that they've been vaccinated and they have it like i just know that's going to be the case so are you a star wars fan nope definitely not did i take my vitamins yes aaron gave it to me on a little little dish um i think it's more that they're trying to bribe people into getting vaccinated yeah but you know like people who don't care about vaccinations or masks will just be liars about it all they'll just do whatever they can to get the out of not getting vaccinated because they don't feel like it we've already seen a whole year of people being selfish we know that they exist and we know that they get off uh the hook from just doing their own thing so like i don't trust trust no one trust no one guys no one um yeah exactly you're not fully vaccinated until two weeks after the second dose and even then we still have all these variants guys aaron was making fun of me today because i said something about taking precautions even after being vaccinated and he was like june wants us to be scared forever about kobet and i'm like listen it's not about being scared of covet it's about being reasonable about it like i don't want people to live in fear because whatever will be will be people will still get sick people will still die and even if it's not cobit it'll be some other but if it doesn't hurt you to take precautions why don't you take precautions you know but i get it some people are itching to travel some people are itching to go back to their lives whatever their lives were i just feel like maybe i don't feel much anymore maybe i just don't even know what my life is anymore at this point i don't even want to go outside anymore like i don't even know how i want to live anymore after this is over um yeah i totally was completely i was shocked when the cdc lifted the mask restriction i was like are you kidding me like too soon to soon do it a full two months after everyone's been vaccinated why are you doing it now when some people are still struggling to like get appointments for vaccinations it just doesn't make sense it's so nearsighted and it's so impatient for no reason at all there are countries that are still suffering through it it's not just our country guys especially if you're gonna let people travel all over the world the floating feeling this last year has been very surreal says amy yeah i don't even know if it's floating anymore or if it's drowning or if it's just like coma it truly feels like coma now i once had a dream i think it was during winter break in college i think it was the year where i was really stressed it was sophomore year where i was taking all the wrong classes that i had no interest in i was making myself really miserable i lived in a dorm that was far from campus and we had mice infestations and i went back home that winter vacation and i had this really really jarring dream that i still can't forget to this day and i was on a train and i was completely naked and i was moving through the cars of this train like i didn't have any control over the movement you know that kind of uh rolling forward feeling if you hopped on a shopping cart and just due to inertia the shopping cart would just keep rolling my feet were off the ground and i was kind of floating with this inertia through the entire length of the train car after car and there were no there was like no one to be seen on this train at all each car was empty except after a few cars i realized that in every car there would be in a random seat a hand holding a knife a small one that would come out from the seat and go into the corridor where i was passing through not of my own volition because i was naked and because i had no control over my motion i would get sliced through every single car in that train and i just go car after car slice after slice and i'm just moving through this train and that's kind of what i feel like this year has been and if you're saying to me hey it's time to get off this train um i don't even know how to walk anymore cece i wish you good luck and vibes i hope your old boss is not that big of an anymore but probably still is manage your expectations and keep them low for maximum happiness um it feels weird it just feels weird you know guys i think after a year of having so little control over things yesterday i don't even know if um if i know what it means to take control anymore that's what's helping us i do have anxiety about things going back to normal because i don't think i'm normal anymore so if the world is going back to normal and i'm not normal then it i'll just be the odd man out right won't be a strange feeling to me really but i know i'm not alone i know a lot of people have kind of just been thrown around in a washing machine now we're now we're in the rinse and spin cycle and we are so disoriented and once we come out of that machine we have to unfurl ourselves and we have to unwrinkle ourselves and we have to like get dry without getting burnt i don't know man it is just a new baseline yeah now go you're right [Laughter] [Music] i mean if you can't walk then crawl yeah i've heard that line before i don't want to crawl though i just want to stay here i want to sit on my floor i want to eat cheese crunchies and i just i just want to not do i don't want to crawl that sounds tiring sounds degrading i'm past the age for crawling if i'm crawling that means there is something extremely wrong with me um i do have to consciously work hard to be kind yeah i've i've always been capable of being a full-on but i feel like this year with the stress never ending and with working at home i've just been like on a hair trigger my mood swings have been terrible i've gotten so used to being stressed all the time and lashing out because of that stress that i feel like i've really forgotten how to be kind and because i've had very limited chances to interact with other people it does kind of feel amy or right it does kind of feel like i've turned feral again yeah it is hard it is very hard to be kind to yourself we're all feral at this point tony says i think i'm trying to deal with the feelings of resentment i feel a lot of resentment and i'm not exactly sure towards who and i think it's been really easy for me to nitpick things that like i see aaron doing and i don't agree with and i think he's in the wrong and then i'll pick fights with him but like i think there's a deeper sense of resentment and i'm really trying to understand where it's coming from and how i can start to let go of it and how i can start to heal myself in a way but willie wants to bite someone i really miss going to kickbox kicks kickbox classes really gave me an outlet to like just punch some you know and it's been a whole year of not being able to punch it i screamed once early on in the pandemic maybe it's almost been like a year since i screamed but i screamed once almost gave aaron a heart attack uh scared of half death but i just had to let it out it was like a pressure cooker building and i just like exploded i couldn't give him any warning because i was just like it needs to come out now and if i give you warning now it's gonna disappear um and right now i don't even feel i don't even feel the anger or the or have the energy enough to scream anymore but i know i haven't gotten better inside i just it's been pushed so far down i don't know how to let it out again i like therapy i was seeing the therapist that i liked i have to find a new one my plan changed maybe it is resentment against the shoulds yeah would you be willing to walk to a place outside and do a live there i don't think i would have enough data without wi-fi to do a live outside i know so new york city is really noisy guys it's really noisy yeah i think i think you're right eliza stephanie i just don't even know how to let my inner out like my inner is out it's always out i i at aaron about all the things that i think he's doing wrong but like i can't actually let the out to the extent where she can just like disappear and dissipate you know she's always here jg you trying to get me killed at central park at night um yeah at least i am aware of the oh she is here she is here yeah how do you take charge of something i've just lost all motivation to do things i just don't even know why i do things anymore you know i've already i think even before the pandemic i was a person who basically had no life goals or any specific achievements i wanted to complete i was already like pretty nihilistic but after living through this year and feeling like wow society is real like real i've lost even more motivation to do anything um yeah i saw that article about languishing i think i think it's right allison what did you cook lauren i i guess i don't have another outlet besides aaron which is why it's so toxic right now you know it's very unhealthy for me to lash out at one person and least of all for him to expect to take it so of course it's caused a lot of relationship issues and just interpersonal friction and sometimes damages last a long time i've been trying to find outlets but i just don't know i'm sure i can find it if i tried harder yeah this kind of is my safe space i mean i think we've we've said before like this feels a little bit like group therapy and i feel like it is and whether or not that's twisted i don't know but maybe it could be a good kind of twist it you know yesterday i was talking with aaron about how i value transparency and his point of view was that maybe sometimes i value transparency too much because me valuing being transparent to other people means that i'm always supposing and positioning my own thoughts as the superior thought in a way and i don't disagree with that i do wonder where we should draw the line of being transparent if too much transparency could end up hurting other people and therefore becomes a very very selfish thing and i do feel like me being this transparent does come out of a selfish desire to ensure to the best of my abilities that there are no surprises for me in my interpersonal relationships probably because i've had a lot of communication issues growing up being between cultures being not fluent in the language of the place i just immigrated to um i don't have a journal instagram is kind of like my journal um it's really masturbatory sometimes i mean these lives are masturbatory let's be honest but it's it feels especially masturbatory for me to like write down my feelings and so i don't do it as much anymore because i feel like i've been with myself for so long and i've been with these thoughts for so long that every time i write it i write the same it's always the same it might be different words but it's always the same and so i get tired of seeing that i don't know if journaling slows down my thoughts maybe it does maybe it makes me focus on details more yeah and julie i do feel like it is a control issue for sure i do feel like it probably comes out of the same fabric of my disordered eating i'm sure it's all related somehow and that's an interesting thing cece leaving random notes everywhere would they be very personal in content dell how long have you been with your boyfriend i'm not taking meds i'm just taking vitamins what i want what i want to see who i want to be i don't know if i want to see be or want anything valid point eliza i feel that jaisal when you finish a journal do you go back and read it and do you enjoy reading it or does it give you anxiety to have it there i feel like i finished one journal when i was in china and now i don't even want to open it anymore 10 years ago i feel like it would just be too much it would be reading a stranger's journal and it would be feeling sad sad because i would long for that person that's no longer here and sad because i feel lesser than who i used to be gigi you are just pouring money out into the world i've not heard of gaba supplements pandemic life is monotonous but i wonder if our mental lives have gotten much more complicated and intricate and gross because of how complicated it's been in our brains i feel like there have been so many feelings that we haven't been able to work out because we've been stuck in one place and our bodies kind of just like sees and our brains kind of just freeze and it's just this paralysis of overwhelming emotion and conflicting feelings that we haven't processed at all yet keith the title uh was just a silly title it was in reference to my last haircut that i did on alive where i decided to leave strips of hair that then looked very gross so tonight we trimmed the strips off journal and then burn i like typing on my computer because i can get my thoughts out faster that way writing by hand gives me anxiety sometimes because i feel like i can't capture the speed of my thoughts and i feel like i'm losing bits uh maybe that's a control issue too yeah there is a reason why solitary confinement is used as a punishment guys we've been in solitary confinement this whole year wow sanika i do feel like that's right i do feel like these feelings have always been here and our insecurities and fears and apprehensions and anxieties have always been here but we've just had time to let it simmer and cook this year and now it's like overcooked broccoli it smells like farts and it's bad nobody wants to eat it anymore but we don't know what to do with it and this is all we have to eat so now we have to eat farty smelly overcooked broccoli and it feels gross it feels like we failed and it feels like we have no other choice but to deal with our failures and how do we rise up from this stinking pot of overcooked broccoli that looks like bomb honestly i like overcooked broccoli with hummus i love it with hummus and chickpeas cece have you had a breakdown yet i feel like i've had five and i've gotten to that you know how sometimes when you cry so much you can't cry anymore and your body just like turns silent and dies a little bit physically i feel like that's where i am emotionally right now it's just i'm so tired of feeling this way that my body has given up food as medicine i already have a pretty tortured relationship with food but maybe that might help me keith i feel like more and more in the last 10 years anxiety has been more and more a thing that people claim they have and at first i was like oh of course everybody says they have anxiety now and it's true like everybody does have anxiety now it's no surprise with the rise of technology we now have access to more depressing at the touch of a few swipes of our black mirrors so and also just all the things that the pandemic has unveiled to us low-ass wages society who doesn't treasure its workers continued environmental destruction politicians who don't do and politicians who do do who don't get elected big money affecting politics and all of our health care and all of our media and just money getting more money and the poor getting more starved how does not how does anyone not get anxious it feels like a negative cycle that we can't get out of right it feels like that train that i was on with a freaking hand with a knife slicing me through in every single car and i have no control over my own body i don't know if i cry because i'm angry at myself or because i'm sad on myself or because i'm confused between the two messages is confused crying even a thing yeah hell yeah of course i've definitely cried because i didn't know how i was feeling and i definitely cried because there were there was just too many feelings it is very therapeutic for me though to sometimes hone in on the feeling of like the hot tears being turned out from behind my eyeballs and like to feel the slow slide of tears down my cheek it's a very sensory based meditation for me i also really like looking at sources of light like a street lamp with teary eyes if you've never tried it before don't look at the sun because that'll make you blind but look at a weaker source of light when you're crying obviously if you're in a safe spot if you're not in a safe spot don't do this um but it's beautiful because the the water and your eyeballs make this prism so you get to see this kaleidoscope of rainbows when you're crying the scariest thing is not being able to pinpoint what's wrong yeah she had molly yep thoughts on white sugar versus unprocessed apparently white granulated sugar goes through a process that uses bone char so it's not actually vegan and obviously it's processed sugar so it's probably not good for you i really like eating honey it's obviously a lot more expensive and it doesn't really bake one to one substitute for white sugar in baked goods but i as you can see i can eat lots of dry oatmeal with just honey um so i love honey that is my favorite sweetener these are amazing keith asks does anyone else think they would be a lot further in life at their current age than they are now and it depresses you to think that time will never be recovered keith yes of course because society has told us that we must achieve and be productive because that is the way that capitalism runs we are told to be in competition with each other whether it be for money or social position or looks or anything else um and i'm speaking as someone who is currently trying to detach myself from this hamster wheel that we've been brainwashed to value um and i feel like if i can succeed more and more in doing that i'll become a happier and happier person and i don't mean happy in terms of like joyous and ecstatic but i just mean happy in terms of not miserable you can't you can obviously you can do anything if you want to but it's probably not going to be good if we continue to torture ourselves over these arbitrary abstract goals that we can't ever attain this is the carrot stick that capitalism likes to dangle in front of our donkey faces um i mean we all run off and find a field of carrots that we can eat instead of chasing after this one stupid carrot that's rotten at its core hi kelly um you have no idea what's going on we're just chatting i already shaved my head on the sides so the exciting part of tonight's live is over and i'm just talking talking to strangers and my cat's going crazy in the background that's why i switched the camera angle so you could see the crazies oh my god oh my god fred what are you oh my god wow growing up crying was considered a sign of weakness that is so not true crying releases overwhelming emotions yeah julie i agree i used to be really embarrassed that i was an easy crier in college and then i realized like this is just who i am people have to deal with it you know like i'm gonna cry um fred apparently is probably ringworm free his test uh was the culture was taken and after three weeks there were no growths so we're assuming that the ringworm is done so but the thing about ringworm is the spores uh can basically stay alive for over a year in all kinds of fabric and furniture and whatever we didn't clean exactly right so there's always a chance of it coming back but we're just going to keep an eye out on it and we're going to live as if he is a healthy ringworm free cat i've been petting him without gloves it's been amazing he's been hopping on the bed in the morning to wake us up to ask for food his poopy little paws have been on my pillows it's really disgusting so i try very hard not to think about it but he's adorable so it's okay life i don't go on bike rides i don't really like to bike because i don't really know how to bike i don't know how to turn on a bike and new york city is a very very scary place to bike [Music] aaron kind of just comforts me when i'm crying he doesn't really cry unless he's like really pent up and there's something extremely frustrating or traumatizing going on i feel like i could almost cry every other day and aaron cries like once every two decades but yeah uh i can bike if you put a gun to my head but i can't really go up hills i don't have the leg strength for that and i don't know how to turn the bike on tight corners like i can take a loop around an empty parking lot leaving the city would be good for my mental health sarah do you mean forever or just for momentary i mean phil you don't really need a bike but if you want to learn how to bike you can always try it just wear a lot of padding and get ready to fall just mentally prepare yourself to be embarrassed to be hurt and to be very frustrated with yourself um and then you can probably do it also get a bite that's like shorter than you would ideally want so that you could just like put both of your feet down and stop the bike that's what i get i i like to ride like kids bikes or a tricycle tricycle could be nice yeah willie my therapist did recommend that i take a walk in the morning um i think shifting my sleep could be very helpful i think there's a lot of changes that i could be responsible enough to undertake in my life that i haven't undertaken because i lack the motivation to get better which just feeds into a negative cycle of i'm gonna stay miserable and i realize that and i'm trying to rationalize it out with myself because i'm not a kid anymore nobody's going to make me go to bed oh my god peanut butter bamba i used to work at a restaurant they used to have a fried cauliflower dish that used to have little pieces of baba on the plate with chopped peanuts it was delicious i love bomba it's like cheese doodles with peanut if motivation is an issue try making this stuff smaller yeah absolutely right lavender is sick that sounds intense yikes oh congrats on the new shoes and pepper spray cece um kelly i feel you on that it's always that evil cycle it happens from like 11 40 pm to 2 a.m just like doom scrolling jesse are you gonna eat all four bags of cheese crunchies what flavored oil did you try to make today cameron cece jesus christ where do you live that does not sound safe keith i think all of our worst fears revolve around dying and dying alone honestly it's terrifying right which is why my proposal is please don't try to live as long as possible please just die before you lose the capacity to take care of yourself like nature intended um i don't know maybe i'm just hateful of our modern developments but uh i don't know why we think living to a ripe old age is a good thing i don't know why we treasure old age so much i understand some of us have no one and i understand i currently live with aaron but there is no guarantee that aaron will be here by my side when i die there's not even any guarantee that aaron will be here next month next year um i think the realization is yes some of us have more than others but at the end of it all we will all have nothing and so life is really just a journey of how soon we can come to peace with the fact that we will have nothing and that in the end we will become nothing and the more we struggle with coming to grips with the nothingness that is here all along the more frightening existence will be because the existence then will just be an eternal running away from the conclusion that is that has always been here the nothingness is actually the beginning and the end we just try to do everything in between the beginning and the end to forget the nothingness i don't know just because you're 23 and you're not sure if you know what you want i don't know if anybody knows what they want ooh narine a whole fish that sounds delicious i remember when my parents used to buy a whole fish and they would make this like fish soup and the broth would be so milky looking and then we would eat it with rice we would just like pour that kind of fatty creamy fish soup over rice and it would be the most diligent thing ever they would put little slivers of ginger in there and maybe a little bit of scallion as well flavors keep them simple they're amazing i mean if we're all getting older and we still don't know what we want then maybe we just don't want anything guys and maybe that's okay to not want anything because what does wanting things actually mean and where did this desire to want things and to know what we want come from like who told us we have to want things why do we have to want things why can't we just have what we have and live with what we live with and let that be that wanting means that you have not achieved it wanting means that you're currently always reaching for it wanting means that you're lacking for something that seems like it's a positive thing to want something but it's actually quite a torturous cycle to put yourself into and then to torture yourself on top of not knowing what to torture yourself with because you don't know what you want well that just seems silly doesn't it yeah it is totally societal pressures we're constantly told that we have to achieve that we have to be better than others we're constantly told that we have to accumulate wealth and status we're constantly told that we have to do self-improvement we're constantly told that we have to prove how valuable we are to other people and to institutions and for what yeah for being um treated with more dignity and respect but like at the end of it all does it actually make us more fulfilled or does it just contribute to our own misery and to other people's miseries it creates a competition when there doesn't really need to be one and life really is all just a game um could you show us how to make the fish soup literally wash the fish if it's not too fresh i would recommend getting obviously the freshest fish possible but it's not too fresh my parents like to like wash it really well and then blanch it very quickly just for like a hot second in boiling water dump that water out and then pour new water in and then you add all of your aromatics whatever you want my parents went really simple with like ginger salt and you just boil it you fish the fish out when it's tender and the soup is nice and creamy um yeah it makes you happy that your boss is praising you absolutely because we live for validation it does feel good when others appreciate us because we mistake that for love and we need love because we feel really alone when we're not loved and nobody wants to die alone as we said earlier um so we take these validation and we ingest them and we interpret them for love but it just hurts if you're working so hard for love that isn't actually love um and you you make yourself vulnerable to other people and their reactions for feeding yourself with that love i guess that's what we mean when we say self-love is important we also scoff at the idea of self-love because none of us have been taught how to manufacture self-love how to give ourselves self-love um it's a strange concept and it feels silly because our entire lives society has told us hey you need outside validation to prove that you are worthy of existing and you need to achieve these things so that other people can recognize you as being worthy of being loved and if you don't achieve you won't be loved and if you don't achieve you will be forgotten and if you don't achieve you will be abandoned and you will die alone and of course that's why we fear dying alone i honestly don't know what self-love is i find it very i find it very easy to hate myself and i don't find it very easy to love myself so maybe self-love for me right now is just trying to find peace with myself i mean you know if we are if we are headed to hands maidtail i'm just going to say eat all the doritos and cheese crunchies and peanut butter and just freaking die of happiness before that happens because my god i really don't want to be in that world yeah i do forgive myself for hating myself um i think this year has been a very long drawn-out exercise and how to forgive myself now i just want to help myself be better and not necessarily to attain any standards well this is where things get tricky guys i want to help myself be better and be healthier but my whole concept of what better and healthier is is still tied up with societally brainwashed values so how do i separate attaining health for myself from what society has taught me what health is i think i feel the most self-loathing when i'm constantly comparing myself to myself and maybe this is why it's important to be more mindful of right now because my self-loathing increases when i compare myself to what i imagine to be a better self in the past and so i travel back in time to a self that no longer exists to a self that is already dead and i mourn for that self over and over again until i make my current self feel inadequate and shitty but my current self is the one that i have to live with my current self is the one that's here so i guess the task at hand is how to make myself accept the now you stop listening to the critical voices including her own but what if i am actually being a then is it wrong to listen to my critical voice that tells me junior being a back off yeah perfectionism really is a um a symptom of something else huh eliza liz i think why do you think your past self was better i think also this year i mean a lot of my current anger with myself is has a lot to do with my disordered eating and body image issues too i find that when i have a lot of issues with how i look i become more depressed and more disappointed and it's a control issue as with a lot of eating disorders um but i think also this past year i've also just been struggling with aging you know and as much as i'd like to believe that i can work towards a self that doesn't hold on to these societally approved metrics of better or worse it does still make me very sad to see how much i've aged in the past year and it just makes me feel really broken in a way and especially combined with seeing my face everywhere not only on videos that i make for work but also on zoom and all of that it just it's really hard to see that comparison um of what i was a year ago to what i am now just like really tired really worn yeah i know my current self isn't bad i think i am just mourning for the the past itself though so maybe i'll just give myself some time to mourn and maybe i can let it go eliza says the perfectionism is from trying to fight our own inability to be seen as equals among our peers in society or in either culture that we identify with it's tiring it's possible although i really don't want to be seen as an equal i don't want to be seen as an equal to most people in this society that's kind of uh i don't know it doesn't feel like a good thing student project hello uh i shaved my head on the sides today that's what's up do you know how you want to be seen i guess like this i want to be seen at my most broken so that there is no false advertisement of who i am i don't want people to have a veneer image of who i am i want to be able to present the most insecure version of myself the most crazy version of myself the weirdest version of myself the most abnormal version of myself and still have people who go that's cool i can vibe with that i can identify with that i can appreciate that eliza i don't know if that means that i've never had to prove myself that i really deserve to be where you were um again i don't know what it means to deserve something um i don't think any of us deserves anything i think the fact that some of us feel like we deserve something is part of the problem but i think that's also oversimplifying what it means to deserve anything in life it's very complicated for me because i don't really value human life more than i value any other aspect of our world and i feel like our concentration on valuing human life over the environment or over other species is detrimental and egotistical um so i don't really have a clear answer i mean that's fine that's the problem with words right like they're all loaded if you dissect them they're all loaded and they're all faulty words only go so far to signify what they actually are standing in for um it's kind of like the wizard of oz the little man behind the curtain words look a lot more real than they are thoughts feel a lot more real than they are feelings hide other things that we don't quite know what they are yet and it's just like all this game of like what is it through the fog bye cece say hi to your cats for me student project i feel sad every day it's not just today are you new here girl yeah jen you're absolutely right i don't feel a greater motivation for uh doing stuff for my own life i think i get way more drive and meaning out of movements of which i can be a part of i don't really value any individual action that i can do for myself but that becomes detrimental for me too if i don't know how to take care of myself i think there's a whole idea i think i said before on a live that um we absorb the shock from other people even people we don't know into our own bodies and maybe what i need to do is to kind of tip that idea 180 degrees and say that the way that i treat myself affects how i view the world as well and maybe once i can actually fully realize that and accept that i can start to treat myself better because treating myself better would in fact mean that i'm treating the world better and or potentially making the world a better place in a very abstract sense in the sense that i would make myself feel better and that my world view would become more content this also this binary that we've created of selfless versus selfish really misleading i'm finding now really misleading we've always kind of taught this idea that selfishness is bad and that selflessness is altruistic and noble but what are they really because that in itself creates a divide between one person and the rest of society and that's pretty much a false illusion i feel like so if we can be selfish maybe a true selfishness that is wholesome is actually selfless i have gotten tarot cards read i have a friend abe he really knows how to read those cards i had some very accurate yearly accurate readings they were kind of creepy eliza you said that doesn't work with self-care where does that lie between the two self-care self-care i think is us realizing that the boundary between selfless and selfish is an illusion and i think we've created a word called self-care to denote something that we should have been done doing all along um and self-care is only a necessary term because we've created this false dichotomy of selfless and selfish we don't need the word self-care if we didn't have selfless and selfish we would just need no word for it it would just be normal to perform self-care i don't watch the real housewives is that where that term came out of that's hilarious fredo hi fred hey buddy do you like looking at yourself in the mirror bud aaron people are saying hi hello people i don't think he wants to be picked up right now i think he wants food where's the line between self-care and being selfish i think that's for you to decide nobody else can decide that for you nope i think if you're feeling like you're being selfish you feel guilty would you like one of these now no i had so many thank you yes i'm surprised how much you like these i do like them a lot why did i shave my head why don't you shave your head ever it's so fun you do drastic things to make yourself feel or something you know kitty come back kitty i think the hardest part of this year and what has made us all feel so adrift and unmoored is we realize we need to redefine a lot of right like a lot of terms have been wrong a lot of concepts have been wrong a lot of institutions have been wrong and nothing is really trustworthy and we've had to like do a whole lot of rethinking of what it actually means to say these things and what it actually means to participate in a society that doesn't seem to value many people um would you say that we live in a society we live in a society guys and it sucks growing out shaped sides is very problematic they look so awkward and i constantly feel like i have to redo them um we'll see we are constantly alone and connected yeah the abandoned rural villages of japan is waiting for us yes melody let's go i'm ready take me there you're not being serious you wouldn't actually move to an abandoned world why not why not i just know you wouldn't why not don't get don't lie to your audience june would you actually move to an event in real village in japan right now if people are willing to go with me and start something like i just said i like being part of a group i don't want to be a leader i want to be part of a group i want to be a group of leaders 308 people right now not bad i'd use their leader i don't think they're here for me to be the leader i think they're here to commiserate with me i mean like it or not we're still going to be in a society we're humans we'll keep making the same mistakes if you're alone is that a society of one or is there no society it depends on how unmoored you are fred is our leader yup there are no snacks in abandoned villages in japan fred what are you doing there's 7-eleven so there's vending machines it's japan there's always those even ghost towns with nobody who's been living in it for generations have operating 7-eleven phil how do you pronounce that village get wings man that's a that's a that's a that's a good wing skull i love getting wings though i've been to getting school many times hello qq um fred is there there he is what hot sauce should i put on here what hot sauce the south african ones open a new one i think they're in here right you want to be the leader be the leader there is no group of leaders it is either leader or followers and as kanye says well never mind can we go to the isle of lost dogs in costa rica first sure who's funding all of these trips it ain't me guys i just gave away 40 of my money to taxes that was very nice of you i know right what a dumb ass you don't want me for a leader you want somebody who doesn't pay taxes now that people know your tax bracket they can figure out your income range june cool figure it out yeah if anybody wants to put in the work to figure out people if people realize you're making 1.3 million dollars a year they won't uh donate to you anymore okay um i wish that were the case i wouldn't need donations and i wouldn't eat trash cats right fred i put you back in the trash put you back in the trash should oatmeal smell like burning plastic burning plastic did you have plastic i i don't know i don't think they put plastic in here okay oh yeah let me show the camera i forgot there's people watching and this is vaguely food content this is african dream habanero fermented or hab habanosko fermented habanero it is a a promo thing that june got it supports african wildlife and portion of the proceeds from each bottle purchases donate organizations for african wildlife conservation and it's fermented out in our chilies vinegar salt that's it yeah i'm putting it on these crispy rice snacks very layered crispy rice snacks that i got you are such a good boy you're such a good boy whoa you're gonna step over him we love fred fred loves to get stuff done we love fred red we love you so much [Music] he's okay oh you love him you love him too much yes you let him walk all over the bed yes i turned around actually just like an hour ago and he was standing there on the bed grouping himself seriously yes predator poopy paws no poopy paws on my bed what kind of rice cakes you want to make gigi oh check it out it's the butthole show nice erin what did you have for dinner i didn't really this one's for you it's all rice i'm good for now okay i had a dry oatmeal a lot of it and then i had a lot of cheese and uh very unbalanced i didn't bake the taro yet maybe we can do it oh guys tomorrow i have to get my shot and then i have a um cooking class with a university again at seven so i might not be on tomorrow not open to the public it's for long island university and i still don't know what they're paying me um so who knows all right friend kiss me friend guess me kiss me [Music] i've had tr i i've had south indian dosa yeah oh my god he doesn't want to kiss me today his fur is so soft right here because it was all ringwormy and now he had to grow a new fur and it's all soft new fur dropped a rice cake do you want a rice cake you went to a bread oh stepped right on it that was fun he tried picking up and he was like no oh you're just swatting on my hand buddy why are you swatting on my hand oh he's having fun playing with it though he doesn't want to eat it play with the rice paper oh this is spicier than i expected i love it yeah i heard that the second shot can be very brutal and prepared uh we just trimmed his claws a little while ago so it's not that bad aaron we're going to have a lot of rice cakes clean up oh my god yeah but the important thing is he's having fun okay yes um he chases laser pointer sometimes when he buys into the illusion that it's not something coming out of my hand and then when he gets really smart for the night he'll realize that it's coming out of my hand and he'll look at me really disappointed and he'll stop i guess i'll clean this up ordered rice cake already he's behind the mirror oh my god he salivated all over it i dropped it and you have your hand spray rotate your arms frequently interesting rotate yeah what after the second shot oh i didn't tell me that they just sent me on my merry way massage where they inject oh my god you're sorely mistaken if you think i'm gonna treat myself to a massage the first madonna shot that i got was kind of achy like the second day i could i could move my arm but it really hurt to move my arm do not massage where they inject internet get yourself together which one is it don't give me fake news just compromise massage a little bit where they inject aaron no you sound like you're eating very crunchy i am do you like my hair do you like the sprout on top it's very cool you're very cool dude it's all i ever want to be yes you're a cool man i've also been told that i would make for a very attractive man and when i have very short hair i've been called a sir do you think i would make a very attractive man um this is a trick question no i'm asking i think you're beautiful june are we trying to get rid of kylar what's going on with kyla how do you do what's the drama i love drama um not sure can you guys start more drama in june's chat just for fun go ahead start more drama i dare you um oh god yeah i don't want to increase the pain thank you nurse sister um sister and sister nurse guys it's been two hours here's fred again oh my gosh it keeps going behind the mirror for some reason it's safe behind me um thank you so much for joining and watching me wash and not wash oh my god cut my hair and thank you for being my therapist and i hope um that i survived the shot and [Music] i hope you guys survive tomorrow too be kind to yourselves

Channel: junelikethemonth

Views: 15,636

Rating: 4.8735633 out of 5

Keywords: budgeteats, lowcost, cooking, cookwithme, junexie, byjune, delish, trashfood, nyc, newyorkcity, queens, cheapeats, homecooking, howtocook, cookingvideo, cookingshow, recipes, norecipecooking, cookingchannel, food, cookingathome, homecook, easycooking, lowcostcooking, foodchallenge, foodrecipes, vlog, vlogging, foodvideo, cookingvlog, baking, frying, boiling, foodblog, foodforthought, fooddiary, foodoftheday, snacktime, foodporn, straighttalk, letschat, live, livevideos, livecooking, low cost

Id: CDIXzganVN0

Length: 120min 29sec (7229 seconds)

Published: Mon May 03 2021