Loyiso Gola - State of the Nation

ladies and Gentlemen please welcome onto stage two-time Emmy nominated comedian Mr liso [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Goa [Applause] thank you how are you guys so the springbox won I don't give a [ __ ] I I'll pretend like I give a [ __ ] I don't care if the spring box win listen to all black people I'm sorry for the ech black people just every building theater anything just like [ __ ] the air conditioning is always killing black people you're like no just relax it's all it's it's all good yeah we're all friends and we started a bit late and I would like to apologize to white people for being late black people [ __ ] you you always late I'm not apologizing to you [ __ ] you you are late the whole week it's crazy those some people who don't know the all the official languages I'm going to use a lot of languages today some you know all over the place so don't be scared Just Go With It let's go over the Cape Town so I bought a place here's the thing I bought a place and on the first day I moved into this place we moved in and the following morning I heard um a bell the bell went off we're like okay no one knows where we live I wonder who that could be the neighbor trying to introduce himself no it was this guy standing there brother can I speak to the Madam please like yeah like madam what are you talking about no I just want to talk to The Madam I'm like no there's no Madam but how how can I help you no I'm looking for a job brother I'm looking for a job like oh you're looking for a job what kind of job I can do anything I can paint I can do the garage but I want to talk to the mam say I say no this this is not a Madam this is this is my place and I swear to God the guy looks me in my eyes goes me work for the dark you all I remember thinking was IM that's no way to approach unemployment join your union get a job Chief don't be stubborn my that's why I work for a black person oh God that's crazy I grew up all over Cape Town I I grew up in Gs uh we lived in OBS at some point we lived in Claremont at some point but I remember when I lived in in Observatory I used to hang out in Salt River a lot and what I realized about color people is that everyone in a colored Community has a nickname if you have a big head everyone just calls you coopa that's said wherever you go just coopa that that's coopa that's COA she is big man hea no one questions it you'll be 60 years old everyone's like n that'sa that's at your funeral you're 80 years old so you're ding now we're here to BU kooper like what the [ __ ] is going on there was this other guy he was he had used to play soccer with him he had big eyes and he was slow at soccer slow used to call him totas but but everyone used to call him toy just for sure toy now that's 30 Co slow coow but the weirdest thing if you were the dark guy in a color neighborhood everyone just calls you kafer it is the most casual racism you'll ever see in your life people walk up to you and meet my friend kafer you like whoa whoa whoa relax no it doesn't mind we call him C all the time it doesn't matter it doesn't mind like no you can't call people C bro no it doesn't mind 20 years you call him C he doesn't mind doesn't mind you like no right you can't call people that his name is Ricardo his name is Ricardo say Ricardo now you're standing there trying yeah Ricardo Ricardo Ricardo say you you're like no you can't guys no we've come too far as a country to call people covers please I realized also in cap Town you're the only people in the whole entire [ __ ] world who can use the word po properly like when the people in Cape Town say the word poo it really rings in your ears you [ __ ] hear the person is saying poo everyone else you try you go to CH people don't know how to say the word p properly hey is a p that one is a puss sh he a puss he doesn't have the ring yeah he's a puss he was there acting like a puss all days there a puss puss puss he's a puss that guy is a p y a p my man yo he's a [ __ ] you go to Duran people don't know how to use the word in Duran he such a puss what a puss he's a humongous puss he's a puss why you acting like a puss but in cap town you guys the word is decorated it has fire balls it's coming to your face it's got decoration so doctor CH suus then you are there going I'm sorry I'm sorry Oscar Pistorius that guy is crazy bro Oscar Pistorius is the maddest man ever you know why he shot his girlfriend in the face on Valentine's Day guys you don't on Valentine's he shot his girlfriend guys that's like shooting Santa Claus on Christmas no respect I mean Valentine's is the one day where we specifically ask you don't shoot your girlfriend in the face I remember on that particular Valentine I had forgotten to give my girlfriend flowers but she was so happy to be alive sham sh she forgot everything oh it's crazy here's the thing I was watching the court case and they were interviewing all kinds of witnesses neighbors everyone I was so as a neighbor now when I hear anything next door I don't [ __ ] around I knock 3:00 in the morning sorry guys I heard a noise yeah what's going on are you playing Cricket there was a bang what I don't [ __ ] hey guys I want to know guys I've got the sweetest neighbor n he said we were just having a party and a balloon popped okay what color balloon don't guys don't play games just write everything down purple balloon quarter 3 okay cuz when you're in court and they asking you difficult questions how do you know it was quarter 3 you're like I wrote it down yeah okay there's no SS and Ms Jo you don't want to be like that guy Mr Dixon you know Mr Dixon the sound expert his only job was to differentiate between a cricket bat hitting a door and a gunshot and they brought an expert they could have just called any black person any black person knows the sound of a gunot a gunshot if a gunshot went off now black people in the parking lot quickly will be in the parking lot paying for parking gone and two home white people will still be here going I wonder what that sound was I'm not sure I wonder it was like a big bang I'm not sure so Mr Dixon's only job was to differentiate between a cricket bat hitting a door and a gunshot he wasn't caught to ask him questions couldn't answer the questions giving stupid stupid stupid answers they put to him gone Mr Dixon what instruments did you utilize to examine the sound and I swear to God Mr Dixon looked he looked at the court and said my ears my lady you came here as a sound expert and you brought your [ __ ] ears no cuz no this the thing that upsets me why people like to act like they are not incompetent me I've worked with a lot of incompetent white people but now the media likes to make it like white people are not incompetent like there's not an unfinished bridge in town today in the city center there's an unfinished Bridge no one ever asked white people who got the tender for that bridge I did my investigation apparently some guy I think in the 80s he built a bridge messed it up a big engineer messed it up and killed himself yeah killed himself guy why would you kill yourself over a bridge man if it was the ANC guy he'll still be denying that bridge now till this day I'm not sure if did you give the tender to me my company in fact I think we need to set up a commission to investigate if your bridge is the same as my bridge when you say Bridge it's the same thing cuz our definition of bridge could be different friend you never know there'll be a commission it will be on you're going to kill yourself guys will be in front of parliament going no the only bridge I remember was when I finished metrick and I did a bridging course but otherwise I don't I'm not aware of a bridge no no I'm not me I just walk on the water like if there's one thing Oscar taught us in this trial is is to cry guys when you in court oh cry Baba you must cry cuz Oscar was crying [ __ ] Oscar was crying you know when Oscar was crying they was snot hanging you know that SN I was like yo osar now you reaching new levels now of crying I was like yo is crying guys but there this you know why Oscar cried cuz white people cuz white people never think of jail that's why when they're in court for for the first time that's the first time they've ever thought of jail black people a we think of jail at least twice a day at least as you are eating your breakfast today you're going yeah let's just avoid this thing today let [Applause] us J I mean guys think of chup chup chup chup was in court for almost a year didn't cry once why he was ready yeah yeah oh chup chup was ahead of his time here he was like no I mean I've thought of this thing I'm going it's finishing CL osar crying white people have a stupid idea of jail every my white friends say if you ever end up in child if you ever end up in child just don't pick up the soap you know you've heard that thing just don't pick up the soap like the guy who's going to rape you he has to trick you no he doesn't have to trick you the guy is not going to be brother now if you have the time if not Buzzy if not py can you just help me with the so quickly he going to [ __ ] you whenever he was that's and some people here's the thing some people are not happy with the verdict that Oscar is only going to spend such a short time in jail some people are upset some people are protesting right to complaint listen you have to respect the law you have to respect the verdict I didn't have a problem with that what I did have a problem with is the idea of people coming out of jail on good behavior cuz let's look at where you are behaving you are behaving in jail that is not where we want you to behave we want you to behave when you are here when you are attach us do not shoot the salad like no don't osar P shot a gun at ters I mean really guy calm down he's shooting guns at tasers but Oscar Oscar still has his fans you know Oscar's fans y Oscar's fans Jo they don't care you we must pray for Oscar we must pray for Oscar Oscar are but if Oscar had killed a rhino you guys kill a rhino now white people will [ __ ] you up for a rhino a rhino even a lion you saw that lion SLE kill a lion white people will [ __ ] go mad for a lion as black people we don't give a [ __ ] about a rhino we pretend every time there's white people around we like yeah the Rhino otherwise in our spare time ah [ __ ] that no black person thinks of a rhino in their spare time never even Jacob Zuma when he's reading the stage of the nation and then the Rhino pops up oh he's also surprised cuz you know the president he's just read the speech for the first time so when he surprised you the whole country surprised it's like we're all like he's there going we must protect the Rhino which one is the rhino it's the one with the horn okay okay president is President is a is a strange guy you know what the thing that trips me up the most about the president I found out the president doesn't drink you know how much of a mind [ __ ] that is he does all this crazy [ __ ] sober [Applause] like like everything it does no I was fully I was sober I was so ah [ __ ] that that really finished me I was like no I mean I'm surely you take something no I'm clean I'm clean I'm clean and also as a country we can't have a president who loves [ __ ] that is the worst thing ever no the Pres come on guys the president loves [ __ ] like the president no the president lovees [ __ ] he does that's what he does why do you think the president Giggles in the middle of the state of the nation he's taking a [ __ ] right there right there and then this we must develop the he's thinking round three cuz that's how old people [ __ ] the stor went on for too long too long why because Oscar is a big house if you kill someone in a big house a your story can go on forever I went upstairs into the party then I went to the kitchen then I went to the study then I went to the SP bedroom then I went to the pool then I went down the cor I heard a noise at the passage I shot oh mistake long story if that thing happened in in KY at RTP house shorter story short short C case one day how do you know there was an intruder are you sure yeah they even touched me on their way out there's no mystery in RTP if you show if you shot someone in RTP everyone knows what happens there's no [Laughter] mystery Oscar P but there were some things in the Oscar pistor trial where they were like they were like Oscar uh I think it was the Sunday Times reported that Oscar pistor um was watching pornography 2 hours before he killed ream do you guys remember that I was like so how is that relevant all of you [ __ ] are watching porn they all like to pretend like they don't watch porn why do you you want dat for what always asking for dat want to watch porn yo everyone everyone watches porn you know how know everyone watches porn because 37% of what's consumed on the Internet is pornography 37% is the most searched thing on the internet so why is it when I type the letter P on the Google search engine they [ __ ] around like they don't know what I'm talking about you know when you say p Pinocchio now who is Googling Pinocchio I want pornography porno guys have you ever have you ever watched P have you ever watched PN have you ever watched PN and then that thing pops up at the end and they was go would you like to share this with your Twitter friends no as soon as I'm done I'm deleting the history that's what we do first things first history click today's history gone delete the [ __ ] history that's what we do and ladies it's got nothing to do with you and if you still don't believe me ladies that your man watches pornog I'll give you an example if this has ever happened to you if this has ever happened to you you're sitting with your man sitting with him you guys are hanging out then you say to him baby my device just died I just want to check my email for for two minutes just two minutes I want to check my email he looks at you and goes okay just give me 30 seconds he's logging out cuz the [ __ ] we're watching is rock and roll and ladies here's the thing ladies ladies it's got nothing to do with you it's got like guys will watch porn even if they're in the happiest relationship it's not a personal thing we just like pornography as guys that's it you take it personal am I not making you happy no you are making me very happy it's just I like this as well ladies sometimes don't stress about these things don't stress at all cuz as women you stress too much and I know know this because every woman here tried to you your whole life you spend trying to look 19 that's why you have so many creams there's a cream for everything that's Aging in your P you even have a cream for your elbow I'm like my man your elbow is [ __ ] up like your elbow is born [ __ ] up why are you trying to sort out your elbows like think of it as guys we don't care guys guys we don't care I like I'm 32 years old I'm 32 years old my testicles 95 I don't have a problem my my peanuts and my testicles two different ages like my balls they look like they are ready to retire they took a package they're cashing up at sunlam no I've been working for 40 years I want to leave they always just they look tired like my balls look like they were in a struggle my man like they don't give a f that's what my balls look like but my peut is 32 good to go I see I see I see I see it but there's no man who's ever thought of a cream to reverse the aging of the pulse we don't give a [ __ ] we like yes SP what's the problem it works the BS work what is the problem we don't care women don't stress I feel like when Jesus turned water into wine there was a woman stressing Jesus out Jesus made one for everyone there's a party and there's a woman going sorry Jesus sorry Jesus I'm not semi sweet wine and Jesus is like no I've got house wine for everyone house it's house is red come on just drink Jesus is stressed out you know Jesus is stressed out like but I made wine these people should be happy not women uh-uh they want more want preference how you going to be bad mouthing Jesus do you know Nelson Mandela said that uh uh the ANC will rule till Jesus comes back what if Jesus does come back and he wants to be the leader of thec but then now they have to tell him no that can't happen cuz you know there's factions and Jesus is there and then Jesus does you know he just comes there as a neutral yeah he's like yeah but I'm Jesus then you know all the all the all the kaders will form a cocas top four top four falling a cocas and then Jesus Jesus will be standing there CU he there J Jacob S and gu that's the top four is it yeah top four yeah that's top four no I'm very aware of my politics yeah very top four top four I don't know the da top four I don't [Applause] know I don't know the to for but um so s will be there s no no I can't he's going to ask me about Marana and then now he's going to ask me what I meant but when I said concomitant and and Jacob no no I I am not going to talk to him no I will never I've got Mark Maharaj to speak to him on my behalf I will not do that and then there'll be uncle gu uncle comrade SG will come there no I don't have a problem I talk to him problem sh he can hear you no I'm Wasing I'm problem I can hear I can tell him not problem okay go tell him go tell him we just in this organization shoot you all the way to the top it's not how this organization work 104 years old where now you maybe a th000 th000 years old but in this organization we have structures yeah we can't just come out of nowhere wherever you come from and think you just going to fall into the structures of the organization do you even have a base you don't have a base women's league Youth League South communist League nothing but you think we're just going to par with the top no we can't do that were you even in M nothing you m because we were aware of your spirit in M but physically you have to be there as well because we you have to place you where you are within the movement you know now to just come out of nowhere and say no I want to run the organization you can't do that do you even belong to a branch you don't belong to a branch my advice is to go back to Jerusalem form a branch and then I mean we can talk [Applause] from can you imagine the confusion on Jesus's face branch and then you'll fly off cuz that's how Jesus roll yeah man here's the thing I make fun of politicians some people always oh why you making fun of politicians ah because you know they work for me if you pay tax a they work for you those people they are civil servants they are not gods they are civil servants key word servant meaner [Applause] civilence so it's like it's like someone poking fun for the people who work for them I started eating well started eating well which I eating well the lifestyle change and buying healthier food and all that stuff I hate that stuff but it's good for me so I do it I find myself shopping at Wet you know wet is the only shop in the world in the world that will put you under pressure in your own house have you ever bought things at WS you buy things at WS it says sell by 26 use by 27 you giving me 24 hours like now you're in your kitchen you're panicking everything is expired you've got carrots peut butter chicken all expiring now you have to make something you're turning into my you under pressure ah [ __ ] w w will put you under pressure you ever got to someone's house Le especially white people white people like to act like they were experimenting with food Lea you must try my strawberry and Bill Tong salad Lisa my strawberry and Bill Tong salad you like who the hell puts together strawberry and Bong you went to W you put these things you under pressure put them together now you're going to act like hey this person this person thinks I'm a I'm a [ __ ] idiot noo we know exactly what happened people are crazy so here's the thing I got so CAU because now I cook what I decided to do is to enter Master Chef called my agent I said can you please make sure I'm somehow on Master Chef cuz I believe I can cook then they luckily two months later they celebrity Master Chef and they Tred to get me on Celebrity Master Chef I am said to announce I was eliminated before the real eliminations you know when they like please cuz what happens is they simulate the show so they they give you real life scenarios to check if you can cook cuz they don't want to find out that you can't cook on the actual show cuz that's a disaster so here's the thing so I'm there so I'm there I'm cooking and things are just packing out and first of all [ __ ] those judges cuz they take their food too seriously those I was watching listen I was watching an episode of Master Chef and the judge looked at the contestant and said I just don't like the way the garlic is coming through my man have you ever met garlic that does not come through who who here has just met humble garlic garlic that just sits in the plate I will not smell I'll just sit here garlic will come the [ __ ] through that's what it does it's like Petro disrespectful vegetables petro and garlic Petro is the only vegetable that will turn your Sunday lunch into a strawberry smoothie Petro doesn't give a [ __ ] cuz when Petro is in a plate everyone must be red you know cuz you have the peas the peas are there potatoes you have the rice everyone is there in the plate just chilling having a good time carrots everyone's there beetro comes have che che and everyone is red everyone in the place [Music] P doesn't give a [ __ ] even po you know how po p is always acting tough oh I'm tough I'm tough but when is in [Applause] the tech now Tech you know what I believe about betu cuz it's so ungovernable and it's red I strongly believe B is the eff of fu cuz when p is in the plate he like this plate will be [Music] [Applause] ungovernable we threw it so this is how I got eliminated on Master Chef so I'm there I'm there and uh you know when you cook something guys this has happened to everyone you know when you're cooking you have the best intentions you have this thing that you want to cook in your mind but it's not manifesting itself here here you know you're cooking a stew but this stew is not the one now I'm there I'm looking at the at the chefs I'm like hey Chef sorry Chef first of all white people if a black person does this n and then speaks afterwards hey the thing that's coming next when a black person is doing this you must know what's coming next is is strong so I'm there going sorry chef sry chef chef my meal is not going it's not going right so I've got a plan when I shf so I just want to know do you have no [Applause] chef and you know no Ro will fix that [ __ ] you think I didn't put in our vegetables [ __ ] NOS man no Ro will fix your [ __ ] no rocks don't play games with no Rock [Laughter] Jo it's cool man it's all good but I I remember when I was young you know when I was young I went the first school I ever went to in my life 1990 was a school at uh Corner 108 NY 108 and 112 called elas and I remember I remember when I was at school we always used to go on these outings as a school but they always go to you go to omo factory Coca-Cola factory then you're like why are we here you know you know when you're like what's going on why they always tell you stupid things yeah if you work hard now you can pack these boxes it's like they were trying to train us to be workers those [ __ ] bro cuz when you went to a white school with all these white kids Jo you are there you at the aquarium you're going to the zoo no one is packing [ __ ] all boxes yes a you know when I went to school you could couldn't pass a grade you could pass all your subjects but if you didn't pass Africans you couldn't progress to the next standard you could hey guys I don't think you understand you you point free [ __ ] you know nothing you couldn't pass you they would send you back to where you came from they like didn't pass Africans and there were other black guys in the school who did all the subjects in Africans we used to respect those guys they used to walk around school with books written you [Applause] like y I know what people can you imagine doing a med CLA You' fail you would fail question one that's question one Gone Gone what are you want to answer nothing you [ __ ] you're [ __ ] but to know we survive Chief we are playing you survived we are here it's crazy have you ever been in an exam guys HH you're in an exam but this exam is not the one the one you know when you know hey I didn't I didn't I didn't study yeah we're hoping for the best yeah yeah and then they always gave remember they always gave you the paper 2 minutes before they always gave you the paper 2 minutes just so that it doesn't shock you when it's time to write you have the time just to look through and Gage no what's going on then you they give you the paper and then there's you know there's always the clock the clock in the front to tell you how much time is left there's an invigilator it's not an invigilator it's just your gym teacher walking around I don't know why we're calling him an invigilator all of a sudden and he's there walking like a nuts remember walking down the eyes [Laughter] joh so so the exam starts to invigilators walking around they give you the Thing 2 minutes then you look at your paper start [Applause] looking you know when you know [ __ ] nothing like oh and then the exam starts he now now now you are now you are there now you're calling the inv vigilator for stupid things sorry ma'am so sorry ma'am sorry ma'am the Practical that we did in feu does it count towards this Mark [Applause] practical 20% 39 40 okay sorry ma'am what I'm trying to find out how much do I need sorry ma'am how much did I get and L just R Lisa just R I know you know something just write something stop asking me stupid questions okay other children are writing so sh then you okay okay I'm going to write you're writing okay then you get confident cuz there some things now that you know okay and then you and then what happens is you look up and then everyone is using a ruler now you're confused why do we need a ruler for what for what question what question there's always that guy in the corner who does everything high grade he got a Cass for what question is a compass and then and then you res to your old tricks sorry just turn down the the [Laughter] condition no it was crazy man School yo school was school was rough man school was rough I remember I remember in school when I first when I first uh uh uh started hanging out with white people then you know you're hanging out with white people and there was a friend of mine Jonathan and I remember him eating a tuna sandwich I was like Hey tuna cuz in my life tuna sandwich is a thing of Christmas now this guy it's a Tuesday qu past 10 he's eating a tuna sandwich I'm confused you know when your system is shocked in know what's going on then you're asking so s so you kept it since [Applause] December no no no my mother made it my mother made it this morning sh cuz you know what's waiting for you in your lunch box peanut butter sandwich brown bread that is the Y that's the worst sandwich ever in terms of sandwiches that is the worst sandwich you could ever have in your life cuz I don't know what happens to that sandwich between the time you pack it and the time you open it it's like that sandwich is is it just becomes stronger I don't know if there's a gym in my lunch box I don't know all I know is that when I packed it you were soft now you're a tough ass [ __ ] then you start chewing have you ever tried chew a peanut butter sandwich you're [Music] [Laughter] chewing and then the peut but s like no Chew Chew Chew then you're chewing then when it gets [Applause] go go then it starts choking you [ __ ] you [ __ ] your life [ __ ] your children [ __ ] everything ah then you're dying you're reaching for oros oros is like I'm not involved I'm not involved guys don't [ __ ] with a peanut butter sandwich it will kill you yeah color people you call it chokers that thing is just a sandwich to black people you don't have to name every you don't color people you don't have to give everything a nick name [Laughter] guys I remember going to these schools and I remember the craziest thing you know what I remember I remember so many sports you know when you're therea this is a this this is a h badminton's uh uh Court okay okay play Squash over there okay okay have a swimming pool we'll keep that as an option so many six rugby Fields H Cricket everything but with all those opportunities black women only played one spot net PA there's nothing black women love more than that they take it way too seriously you defend me Defender I don't respect netball you know why I don't respect netball cuz you don't get netball shoes if your spot doesn't have its own shoes for tech for Te it's like golf I don't respect golf some people take themselves seriously when they play golf you get your 10 done now you're playing golf forward now you're playing gol for what why you playing play so come what you grw up playing now you are playing gol I hate golf golf is not a real sport cuz I just believe if a fat person can beat you at a spot it's not a real spot I'm not saying fat people shouldn't play sport I'm saying they shouldn't win you're are fat tag for tagy for Tey it's the same with Cricket people love the protas the protas could [ __ ] up people y we love the protas love the the protas too much the protas suck guys they suck and people always go at least they in the top 10 at least in the top 10 yeah top 10 in a sport that's played by 10 countries F nobody China doesn't play cricket Russia doesn't play America doesn't play tell Bangladesh players oh Bangladesh Sri Lanka people always use this other argument they always go at least they have passion okay how do you measure passion what okay I'll I'll give it to you in legal terms what instruments did you utilize to examine the passion it's either you have the World Cup or you don't finishing CL they don't have the World Cup South Africa lost two games in the group stages of the world cup two games in the group stages of the World Cup and when they ask AB devilers who's the captain what's going going on he said we'll make it up in the quarterfinal quarter final if you if you lose two games in the group stages in soccer there's [ __ ] all quarterfinal in fact you're doing the press conference at home these guys are still confident about a quarterfinal Cricket I Cricket I don't have time for Cricket me soccer that's a sport football I wonder that's a sport that why that's a sport but me I blame the coaches remember that one coach we had s it was a Santana he didn't win the world cup with Ronaldinho with a band door and then you came here you think you are going to win the world cup with vas I mean really if you couldn't win with Ronaldinho forget it's not going to is good but not World Cup good for [Music] then we had Carlos Pereira yo Carlos Pereira worst coach ever caros per was a fraud guys fraud fraud fraud from the beginning I remember we used to if you beat tough opposition we beat Camaroon 21 Carlos Perera would be at a press conference he'd be there the journalists are there ready to praise Him Carlos you beat such tough opposition how did you do it and we play very good football I think our Midfield we very strong we improve all the aspect we pass ball very good n is good he score two goal you take opportunity it's a good result but also we very lucky because he the ball the ball hit across by two time and shant in football you like and we take we take point and we move on to next game next game comes he loses 2-0 to swand the Press is there waiting M what happened you lost 2 N to land what happened sorry I know understand I need translator I like Suarez man I always watch Suarez he's a good player all the crazy things he does he's still you don't have to like him but he scores goals he's a he's a blazing player I remember when they were playing uh what were they playing they were playing uh Manchester United when he was still in Liverpool they were playing Manchester United and he called Patrice Evra who's a black player he called him a [ __ ] ah the British press went crazy he's a disra to the game he should never be allowed to play he's a disgrace to the game I was with him until I found out how much money Patrice Evra earns 100,000 a week guys do your Vander in your own time that's about 2 million Rand a week to play football guys with that kind of money there is [ __ ] all anyone in here can say to upset me I'll hey guys I'll invite you to my house to call me a [ __ ] I don't give a [ __ ] I'll sit you down I'll make you cough I'll be like say it here say it here and you'll have energy you are a ner I'm like I'm so upset I'm buying another yacht yet no don't get me wrong don't get me wrong I'm not saying racism is acceptable I'm not saying money should buy you happiness I'm just saying that kind of money should make you at least [ __ ] proof you don't have the same problems as your average black person cuz your average black person is dealing with real problems Allin wants the money for the room divider it's month [Applause] end when are you paying back the plasma another intervention I'd like to have with my comrades Amanda comrades Amanda comrades comrades they are 365 days to go to the beach we don't all have to go on the same same [Applause] day please kadas go go on your like black people only go to the beach on the 1st of January and if you watch sabc one news on the 2nd of January there all these kids left at the beach by their parents this kids [Applause] cry then you I always wonder I always wonder to myself as a parent you left a house with two children now there's one where are you thinking maybe get sham where do you think the other one is like it's the crazy thing man you left your child at the beach ma'am go f your child at the beach but so I've been lucky in my career I guess I've been lucky thank you for your support and stuff for those who support of course I [Applause] mean it's really it's really kind of cuz here's the thing on Monday I know this great on Monday we find we find out if we get nominated for third meem thing so on Monday they'll make the announcement um from France and they'll send us a text it's crazy that's how they let know here's a text you made it ha I remember the last the first time we went to the Emy and I was in New York that's when Elsa Mandela passed away and I was there watching TV and then and it said breaking news and I was like [ __ ] it CNN there's always breaking news and then comes you know when comes then I'm like oh [ __ ] you know like what happened what happened breaking news and then and the funniest thing happened and then I'm like okay volume I put up the volume then and then sure I am s to to to announce that MBA is no more and then the next commentary from CNN is that as you can see from the way the South African president is reading that speech he's a bit distraught I'm like no he reads like that all the time oh distraught not distraught yeah that's his thing even if he was happy that's how we read the thing it's and then and then I you know when I got home the next day it was the memorial of Nelson Mandela at FNB comrades I'd like to categorically state that that it was not my intention to boom shos I was sitting there people started I was like you know when you're poing you're not even sure yeah we're poing then the funniest thing happened uh cuz Jackson temp who was then the spokesperson of thec then came out in the press and he said we will find these boas and deal with them I was like I've been waiting for the day where we Mo the boas let us Mo the buas when are we Ming the buas I mean I've been waiting I thought I mean come on all of us are waiting to just Mo Bo T HH the buas come on guys the bo this is the favorite part of my show cuz white people are like is he talking about boas or boas no I'm talking about boas poor are you a poor are you a poor then you a poor if you're not a poor then don't worry don't worry this doesn't concern you but if you are a PO then you are a PO what can I [Applause] [Laughter] do don't don't don't make your problems mine you're a poor you're a poor sorry some people still haven't laughed I won't laugh that joke is racist then you are a Bo yourself you're a Bo you're pulling my jokes that's your problem we are a [Laughter] poor that's that's cool you going out are you going out going out ladies uh ladies uh because I I you know I you know I I have I have a soft spot for the ladies um ladies I just want to give you some advice now if a guy is hitting on you at 3 in the morning you are his last option I know you know your is last last of three three you are just in meins in meins um so I remember the one time I went um I went out with my ex uh girlfriend and we went to Taboo in Johannesburg so we're chilling in in the car and this is what happens she's taking off her shoes because she was driving in sneakers now she's putting on Heels I'm waiting on this side I don't I don't drive at all me I'm a passenger I'm on the passenger side she's the one who driving she can drive got a license and everything qualified just qualified so I I don't drive I don't drive at all and people know that about me but here's another thing here's another thing if I did ever drive it would be a left hand cuz I'm used to the passengers you know in the passengers that's where I'm most comfortable why now would I move to this side now I'm confused right right right so she's there she's so here there she is she takes off her shoes and uh she's putting on her heels to look sexy for the club I'm like no look sexy it's good but now I'm looking to my left there's a guy you know working a spanner working the spner into the St now I'm like no I've Got Friends also who have cars what will you start like this but then I look I'm like no man I know the key of this guy this thing doesn't start like this this guy this guy is Ste is stealing this thing I'm like no when I'm a man you are stealing this thing this thing is being stolen so I'm like listen here baby now this is what's going to happen we're going to be very responsible Citizens We're going to do the most responsible thing as Citizens We're going to mind our own businesses she goes okay now we get out the car get out and we stand you know when you're getting out the car the guy the guy is stealing a car hand now you have to pretend like you can't see it and we're standing here now we're standing here like now we're making small talk you know and then yeah and then and then yeah I don't know what happens in her mind she decides to go I'm going to be cut blanch you know at blanch degree de pulls out a camera starts filming this thing this guy sees her starts running towards I'm now I've got three seconds to decide if I want to be a staring now here's the thing some people laugh some people didn't laugh black people know exactly what they staring at white people have [ __ ] all idea what the staring is I will explain to you cuz I'm trying to unite the country if you where does the word staring come from it comes from the 1980s 1990s cuz when shows used to start back in the days they used to say starring whoever it was now because of B education we said staring and then if you remember it would list the show the show cast it would List the cast of the show in order of priority so if it was a Michael dudov show or movie it will say Michael dudov and therefore he is the staring whoever was named first was the staring Jin was the staring now you ask yourself what's so special about the staring I will [ __ ] tell you a staring never [ __ ] dies ever ever ever ever ever there could be an explosion you know how dope a storying is there's one H is a double impact where he dies and then he comes back that's a staring you can't just die as a stering there must be an explanation or you're coming back but you can't just [ __ ] die Steven Cal has he ever died in a movie never why he's a [ __ ] staring Evena he's like I'll be back he's going to [ __ ] you up because he's a staring but you why people know [ __ ] all about staring that's why you made Expendables now there starings in the whole movie eight steerings it doesn't work like that there can only be one [ __ ] stering only one you can't have all the steerings in one movie you can't stop [ __ ] around you're messing with our minds we want to support one guy where do we send our ancestors now there's eight of these [ __ ] there we want to choose one that's a stering so back to my story I've got three seconds to decide if I want to be a stering or not three seconds three the guy comes and as he's running now every black person or black guy you know has two voices the first voice he uses at work very very casually very Loosely he talks about the stoas he doesn't give a [ __ ] about the stoas but his voice accommodates the stor conversation where is there going no it's all right it's okay y my name is k in the township that voice changes you have your other voice that you use so at that point of the story I was using my other loction [Applause] voice and that and that voice always come with a [ __ ] up [Applause] eye then you turn around and I swear to God as he as the guy was walking off he looked at both of us and said a that's why as black people we don't go far because we standing each other to wave Tech you guys have been really awesome thank you very much good [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] night

Channel: loyiso gola

Views: 394,930

Keywords:

Id: -U-DUCjp3ks

Length: 57min 15sec (3435 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 30 2023