Live In Hope When Relationships Are Difficult | Peter Tan-Chi

[Music] [Applause] greetings in the wonderful name of our lord and savior jesus christ recently i read an article there is a phenomena in japan called johatsu johatsu is from a japanese word that means evaporation it refers to people who vanish on purpose into thin air and continue to hide their whereabouts potentially for years even decades it has been estimated around 100 000 japanese people disappear annually why because of domestic abuse that bankruptcy they were terminated from their company shame when you and i encountered challenges difficulties do we have a tendency to give up or run away do you wish like you will evaporate or do you wish that others will disappear you see stress does not just come from our external environment like pandemic sickness it also comes from within the family especially family relationships so how do you deal with difficult people especially loved ones i have good news for you first peter tells us how to deal with difficult relationships sometimes these relationships become toxic i made the focus group discussion on difficult people and i was surprised when this young man came up with the answer you see most answers talk about what difficult people are family members why because we live with them 24 7 this pandemic has heightened the tension because we are locked in together it's like we are in prison together however this young man said something that is very profound he said i discovered that the most difficult people the most difficult person is myself the truth is we are all difficult we have certain traits we do certain things that may cause irritation to others but we don't see it my wife used to say in counseling others what is it like living with me learn to ask that question what is it like to live with me many times we need a mirror to see that we are the difficult person but today i'd like to share with you from first peter chapter 3 how do we deal with difficult people the title for today's message is live with hope when relationships are difficult i want to share with you from first peter chapter 3 three important principles i call it kfc principle now when you see the word kfc what enters your mind i hope it is not just kentucky fried chicken k stands for know god's will you need to know god's will f stands for follow god's way it is one thing to know god's will it's another thing to follow god's way i will explain the distinction and lastly you must cling to god's promises kfc how do you live with difficult people with hope and how do you do that k f c k stands for know god's will f follow god's way and c cling to god's promises let's begin first peter chapter 3 verse 1 and 2. in the same way you wives be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the world they may be one without a word now before i elaborate on the on this verse i want you to notice the introduction of first peter chapter 3 in the same way what does that mean in the same way you will notice the context of first peter chapter 3 has to do with difficult people what is god's will what is god's way in dealing with difficult people in the same way every time you see that word in the same way you look at the previous verses servants be submissive to your masters with all respect not only to those who are good and gentle but also to those who are unreasonable do you notice the context has to do with living with difficult people it says be submissive to your masters with all respect not only to those who are good and gentle but to those who are unreasonable god's will is to submit with respect and then it says this finds favor if a person burst up and their sorrows when suffering unjustly remember that word suffering and justly what is god's will if when you do what is right god's will is do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endures it this finds favor with god not this this finds favor the word favor is from the word grace you experience grace with god what is god's will believe it or not god's will it's not for us to revolt it's not for us to fight is to learn to live with difficult people by respecting them by submitting to them from the heart the model is jesus look at the next verse remember in the same manner in the same manner you have been called for this purpose since christ suffered for you leaving you an example for you to follow in his steps in other words the bible tells us our mother is jesus the whole emphasis is simply this jesus committed no sin jesus well there was no deceit he banned from his words he lived a perfect life and yet he suffered for us why the bigger picture when it comes to suffering is to realize in the pursuit of god's purpose there are many times when you need to suffer let me ask you do you understand god's will when it comes to living with difficult people has it ever entered your mind that when you and i live with difficult people could it be that god is using them to transform your character has it ever entered your mind that god is using them in order to accomplish his purpose in your life through your life you see god's will is often counter-intuitive it's not easy for example the bible tells us in order to be a leader what must you do god says be a servant in order to be the greatest god says be the last it's counterintuitive it is so important that we understand the principle of god's design just like any equipment you will always remember this saying for best results follow the manual why because the manufacturer knows what is best because they design it it's like my cell phone my cell phone is not to be used for under the water but one day i made a mistake it went to the water and of course my cell phone was destroyed in other words the manufacturer knows what is best god made you god made me he knows what is best for your life for your family life for your marriage human relationships the human life is complex we need to know god's will so how do you deal with difficult people number one kfc know god's will oftentimes it is counter intuitive number two you must follow god's way what is the difference between god's will and god's way it is almost the same but it is not the same let me give you an example what do i mean when i say there's a difference between god's will and god's way the book of malachi tells us god hates divorce for some couples they will say well let us just stick it out but god's way is not just for husband and wife to live together god wants us to forgive one another to love one another to enjoy one another that is the difference between god's will and god's way an example is the reality of how relationships can be tense and our human wisdom tells us the best way to be happy is to get out of a relationship i think of melinda gates and bill gates what happened to them they've been married for 27 years this guy is probably the richest man if not one of the richest man in the whole world is worth over 130 billions in assets can you imagine what this divorce is telling us after being married for 27 years here are the following conclusions if you ask me happiness does not come from money they have all the money in the world richest couple happiness does not come from popularity if you talk about fame bill gates melinda are very popular they're world famous happiness does not come from popularity or fame happiness does not even come from purpose if you talk about their purpose they were philanthropic they want to help people they came up with the richest biggest foundation in the world to do good works and yet sad to say that two of them decided to end their marriage as you can see god's way is different from man's way and that's why the bible tells us in romans chapter 12 verse 2 do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you may prove what the will of god is that which is good acceptable and perfect the bible says don't copy do not be conformed to the ways of the world don't copy be transformed the word transform is from a passive verb it's passive imperative you allow yourselves to be transformed how by the renewing of your mind you see the mind is crucial until your mind is renewed through the study of god's word knowing god's will knowing god's way the bible tells us you will not really be changed so be renewed how by the renewing of your mind for what purpose you may prove what the will of god is which is good acceptable and perfect god wants you not just to know his will no god wants you to follow his way so that you will experience you will prove the idea here is so that you will know what is good acceptable and perfect the operative word is you may prove you may experience what the will of god is good acceptable perfect and you will only know it is the best when you follow not just head knowledge but follow you see james chapter 1 verse 22 is very emphatic james said prove yourselves to be doers of the word and not merely hitlers who delude themselves i don't know how to overemphasize this command prove yourselves not others for yourself be doers of the world there are many christians today they listen to messages but that's all they do hearers do not be healers who delude themselves the bible says you are deceiving yourselves but be doers so how do you live with difficult people the kfc principle k you must know god's will f follow god's way what do i mean let's look at how peter expanded knowing god's will following god's way notice what he tells us in the same way you wives be submissive your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word they may be one without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior do you notice something respectful behavior what is the bible saying in the time of jesus women have no rights if you look at history in the jewish culture in the roman culture in the greek culture women are not just even second-class citizens third class citizens absolutely no rights it's the husband that has full authority so why is the bible saying be submissive ah here's the difference after coming to christ their problem is exponentially increased why because a wife that has become a christian is going to face double problem the first problem is the authority of the husband over here the second is this mindset now that i'm a christian i am free we're equal in god's eyes and peter is saying on the contrary now that you are a christian you must submit not just externally but from the heart you see god's way is to submit with respect my wife used to say submission without respect is not submission and peter is saying notice be submissive to your own husbands so that if any of them are disobedient to the word meaning they are not believers they can be difficult to live with submit to them from the heart with respect that they may be one without a word the power of modeling the virtue of jesus can imagine they may be one without a word by the behavior of their wives i call this silent witnessing the reality is this if a woman keeps on nagging if a woman does not show respect no matter how much she talk about her faith or jesus it is extremely very difficult for the husband to come to christ but if a woman live by example what kind of example remember the following as they observed it is something that the husband can see observe your chaste the word chase means what holy pure and respectful behavior peter continues your adornment must not be merely external braiding the hair wearing gold jewelry putting on dresses he's not saying you are not allowed to fix your hair you are not allowed to wear jewelry you are not allowed to wear clothes he's not saying that but he's saying what is even more important let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of gentle and quiet spirit which is precious in the sight of god the emphasis is a gentle and quiet spirit precious in the sight of god ladies can i tell you a secret these principles of how a wife should treat a husband is also universal in terms of how a lady should treat other people and this also applies to all of us gentle quiet spirit there was a time when my wife and i attended a party and seated in that table was a couple that has come to know jesus so i asked the husband tell me your spiritual journey and this successful businessman pointed to his wife the secret of my coming to jesus is because of her i said what do you mean and he said my wife's respectful behavior and my wife and i remembered years ago the man was very unreasonable very abusive and the wife was running away from him the wife was so scared the wife locked herself in the toilet and she called my wife in the cell phone she said my husband is very angry what do i do so my wife counseled her based on the principle of as they observe your chase and respectful behavior be respectful gentle and quiet spirit years went by before we knew it her husband indeed began attending bible study a gentle quiet spirit the word gentle means what meekness the word gentle means what strength under control you see gentleness is the fruit of the spirit of god it is supernatural when god gives you gentleness quiet spirit a peaceful spirit not agitated not anxious as you listen to this message i want to encourage you if you are not yet there don't despair because the christian life is progressive i'm sharing this with you not to condemn you i'm sharing this truth so that we will all grow in our spiritual life especially in our character peter continues in this way the former times the holy women who help who hope in god used to adorn themselves being submissive to their own husbands he now uses the old testament as an example of what it means to submit with respect he uses sera notice asera obeyed abraham calling him lord and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear what is the bible talking about the bible is telling us as a model of a gentle and quiet spirit you look at the old testament these are people whose hope is in god you see the foundation of the christian behavior knowing god's will and following god's way is anchored on your faith in god the more you know god the more you trust him the more you will follow being submissive to their own husbands notice the qualification women are to be submissive to their own husbands with respect just as sarah obeyed abraham calling him lord a small letter l the word sarah means princess princess sarah treated abram as lord as a prince i always tell the men and are still women if you treat your husband like a prince lord willing he will treat you like a princess you will notice god's way is always balance god tells the wife what to do and god tells the husband what to do i'm gonna elaborate on the husband later on but in the meantime i want you to see how balanced it is wives be subject to your own husbands as to the lord the secret is to do everything as to the lord when a wife submits it is submitting to the lord but then the bible tells the husbands husbands love your wives just as christ loved the church and gave himself up for her this is revolutionary because in the days of jesus a husband is a despot he's a dictator and now god is saying husbands love your wives as christ loved the church the standard is how jesus loved the church and how did jesus love the church the bible tells us gave himself up jesus died for the church for us husbands are you willing to love your wife in such a way that you're willing to die for her i guarantee you if your wife is convinced that her husband loves her so much that he's willing to die for her submission will not be a problem regarding knowing god's will following god's way especially when it comes to submission allow me to introduce to you our sharer which is none other than my wife let's welcome diana so peter thank you for this opportunity for me to share with the women about submission may i ask you on a scale of one to ten how submissive do you see me as wow i'm put on the spot my wife is very submissive nine okay nine okay the reality is ladies and peter knows this i'm a very strong-willed and opinionated person and i think that naturally for women for us women is difficult to submit to our husbands especially in today's society where women are quite accomplished educated you know they they have uh their opinions of course women's lib which is making us feel that we need to strive for equality however i know i'm equal with you in god's eyes right yes okay thank you and so uh the reality is that i can't submit new can't submit to our husbands in the god's way with a respectful attitude gentleness quiet spirit apart from the empowering of the holy spirit but for those of you ladies who are living with difficult husbands the device of god through peter is so crucial when we are nagging we keep on trying to force our opinion we're speaking so loudly that they cannot hear the voice of god and do you know that the silent testimony of a modeling christ-like behavior speaks more volumes than all the words we can speak there have been times you have noticed that i'm a little irritated right or i'm disrespectful i have been and what do you do when my wife is disrespectful i will call her out i will say what's your tunnel voice why are you speaking to me this way you will never do that to other people why are you doing that to me yes and you know what i have to say i'm so sorry please forgive me and ask the holy spirit to control me again thank you diana because it's really true it's never easy for a wife to submit because our human nature reacts to submission but it is god's design it is god's way be honest by submitting are you happier yes example today i'm supposed to have a discipleship with a lady today at this time but peter said can you just move it until tomorrow and i thought oh will she be okay with it but i said okay sure i'll try and i'm so happy because i'm more relaxed today and she said yes for tomorrow so do god's will god's way and you will see the blessings one of the fallacy of following god's way is the 50 50 principle what is the 50 50 principle i will do my part if you do your part you will never find that in the bible the biblical principle is you do your part don't worry about doing the part of your spouse let god do his part let the other party do his or her part your part is to follow god's way no excuses because god holds you responsible and accountable in doing your part there is a meaning of follow god's way it is never conditional it is never 50 50. what is it it's 100 you do it because you trust god what about the men well let me tell you man this is what god wants you to do you husbands in the same way do you know this the same principle the principle of doing god's will god's way what is that principle live with your wives in an understanding way as with someone weaker since she is a woman show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life so that your prayers will not be hindered these verses has a lot of amazing truth and instructions for us men i want you to notice the following live live with your wives in an understanding way what does that mean understanding way the word understanding comes from a compound word from the greek language it is in accordance with knowledge meaning you fully understand your wife i'm learning to understand my wife i need to know her to know your wife you must know the needs and what are the needs of our wives for many people we focus on physical needs food clothing shelter most men just focus on physical needs but the bible is very clear what about emotional needs ah what do i mean by emotional needs what are the fears what are the worries what makes your wife anxious do you know the dreams of your wife but more importantly the spiritual needs of your wife why is that important because spiritual needs is the foundation of all needs let me give you an example if somebody is always fearful if somebody is always anxious what is the problem is the problem of fear traceable to circumstantial problem or is it deeper is it because of their inability to trust god is it because we are not able to surrender it to god is that the real problem or is not able to surrender to god not able to trust god a superficial problem was a deeper problem the deeper problem could it be the party or your wife does not really know god you see if you are if you don't know god if you do not know his power his greatness how will you trust him this is the meaning of spiritual problem you go deeper and that's why i tell the man it is always important to disciple your wife find out the root problem first peter chapter 3 talks about the importance of respect giving honor it says here live with your wives not only in an understanding manner notice the word understanding as someone weaker now the bible is not saying that the wife is inferior this verse is simply saying a wife is physically weaker she is fragile it is the idea of she is precious she is fragile and the truth is they are more sensitive and gentlemen you have to treat her with care with respect since she is a woman show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life show her honor the word honor show her importance show her respect when the bible talks about a weaker vessel it has nothing to do with inferiority or superiority the bible is very clear the bible says there is neither jew nor greek there is neither slave nor free man there is neither male or female you are all one in christ jesus in the eyes of god we are all equal but the role of a husband the role of a wife when it comes to god's way is different because god designed us god knows what is best for a husband for a wife so different roles does not mean superiority or inferiority it is just the principle of god's design he knows what is best so gentlemen i pray you will embrace your god-given responsibility to love your wife to understand your wife to grant her honor because it will affect your prayer life and how am i applying this in my life listening more being more gentle be more patient there are times when my wife will do certain things that will really upset me that will irritate me because these are the same mistakes she will do again and again but the lord is telling me understand her so the way i understand my wife i grant her honor i have learned small things remember that saying don't sweat over small stuff everything is small stuff that's the truth you don't have to make a mole hill into a mountain so live with your wife in an understanding way grant her honor why is he so important the bible tells us god's way is such that your vertical relationship and your horizontal relationship are intertwined you cannot just say i'm right with god but your horizontal relationship does not matter that is false spirituality true spirituality is tested in the home life it is tested in committed relationship why in a committed relationship you can run in a committed relationship like husband and wife parents and children you just cannot escape you need to apply the power of the holy spirit you need to grow in the fruit of the spirit and that's why it says so that your prayers will not be hindered it is not optional to live with your wife in an understanding way be gentle grant her respect grant her honor this is universal in all relationships we must give each other a hearing be understanding be gentle as you can see the role of her wife the role of a husband god's way is not always easy live with hope when relationships are difficult remember kfc k know god's will how do you know god's will is study god's word how do you follow god's way do your part obey live it out that's how you follow god's way cling to god's promises what does it mean to cling to god's promises well look at first peter chapter 3 verse 8 and 9. you will notice how sam said in the beginning this message is for everybody and that's why peter repeats it to sum it up all of you notice to sum it up all of them single married young old all of you what must you do it gives you different qualities that you must do harmonious sympathetic brotherly kind-hearted humble in spirit this is all about love in action and then he tells you the negative don't don't do what returning evil for evil insult for insult then he summarizes giving a blessing wow these are all love in action when you cling to the promise of god what is the promise of god for you were called for this very purpose that you might inherit a blessing you and i are called to inherit the blessing and he tells you is what you need to do to inherit a blessing knowing god's will following god's way cling to the promise you will notice cling to god's promises is always linked with obedience the blessing of answered prayers is also conditioned to obedience so god tells us blessing is always connected with obedience in god's economy you cannot separate god's blessing from obedience it is so important we understand these principles first peter chapter 3 verse 9 onward is an exact quotation from psalm 34 look at what it says for the one who desires life to love and seek good days do you now notice the condition of the promise the one who desires life do you desire really life is telling you do you really love to see good days god is saying this is a promise you want to see good days what must you do in order to experience these promises the promise of what life good days blessing must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking the seed do you notice it deals with the sin of the heart why because the bible tells us from the mouth comes that which fears the heart the mouth is a loud speaker of the heart and god is saying you guard your heart by guarding your mouth those are all interconnected guard your tongue guard your lips he must turn away from evil and do good this is the meaning of the word repentance when you repent you turn away from evil and you do good the key to blessing if you want to cling to god's blessing you must understand the condition repentance it's pursuing what seek peace and pursue it these are action words and he continues by saying the eyes of the lord are toward the righteous his ears attended to their prayer he now gives you an assurance that whatever you are doing god knows the eyes of the lord are toward the righteous it's a promise god sees god knows god cares his ears attend to their prayer amazing intimacy with god what a blessing and then he gives you the assurance of protection the face of the lord is against those who do evil see god says you do your part because i promise to bless you many times we don't realize god wants us to be motivated by his promises it is not wrong to be motivated by the promises of god because when we are motivated by the promises of god we are saying we have faith in him we believe in his character to be motivated by god's promises is really biblical it is found in the bible you have many many verses that talks about god wants us to believe him and believe in his promises this is so important that i want you to understand the heart of god god is telling us in difficult times yes you will face trials but you got to live in hope hope for what you cling to the promise of god what is god's promise do you notice it's throughout the bible but this is so clear deuteronomy 30 i call heaven and earth to witness against you today i've set before you life and death blessing and the curse the contrast is so clear god is telling you today those of you who are listening i've set before you life and death blessing and the curse lord is the contrast it's your choice so choose life in order you may live you and your descendants by loving the lord your god by obeying his voice god tells us he is giving us a choice blessing or a curse i don't know if you recall this chart that i explained some time ago god's blessing god's will you must know god's will you must follow god's way and in god's time as you cling to his promises what will you encounter god's best you and i have no idea what is god's best but you will never regret it let me end with this amazing story of a mother to her daughter because the daughter was always complaining the daughter was so negative she's always telling her mom what's wrong with other people what's wrong with her classmates what's wrong with their teachers so this is what the mother said i want you to consider the three objects carrot egg and coffee beans and the daughter could not get it the daughter said what has that got to do with my complaining with all the problems i'm telling you her mom said daughter carrot it's hard once you put it in the boiling water what happens it becomes mushy it becomes very weak egg what happens to the egg when you put it in boiling water it becomes hard some people are like the carrots or they like the eggs they are strong when tough time comes they become weak some are soft when they face tough times they become hardened what about coffee beans her mom said you put the coffee beans you put it in boiling water and what happens wow after a while you smell you smell the aroma the coffee beans transform the boiling water and that's what you must become my dear like coffee beans transform the environment you become an aroma for jesus question we all face difficult people when you encounter difficult people you become hardened do you run away or are you able to influence them the ultimate blessing is either god change the person or god will change you so that you will be transformed in your character when you are faced with difficult people or faced with toxic people don't ever say that person bothers me you must say that person sanctifies me you see god will use difficult people to mold our character until we become more and more christ-like you can honestly say from the heart if you are dealing with difficult people can you honestly say lord i thank you for this person i thank you that you are using this person to transform me don't be preoccupied in trying to change people don't be preoccupied in trying to control others focus on lord help me thank you for the human instrument you are using to make me a better person if this message has been meaningful to you except you have a problem you say peter i don't have the faith to trust god i cannot believe that god can use these people to transform my character can i share something with you is it possible that you may know about god but you have not really known him from your heart i'd like to say a prayer for you a prayer that god will speak to you that you will make a decision to really follow god remember god is telling us i give you a choice life or death blessing or curse how do you choose life you follow jesus have you ever committed your life to jesus let's pray father god in heaven i just realized that you loved me so much that you want what's best for me help me to embrace the importance of knowing your will following your ways and clinging to your promise lord jesus i now cling to your promise i choose life i choose to follow you come into my life be my lord be my savior help me to be able to transfer my fear my anxiety to you because you love us and you promise to bless us as we follow you thank you jesus i accept your gift of forgiveness i accept your gift of eternal life come into my life in jesus name we all pray amen and amen if you have been blessed by this message i'd like you to click on the space provided below we love to chat with you in a short while we will have discussion questions on top of discussion questions we will have fast track today i'm going to do something different i will close with fast track and end up with discussion questions let's try that approach listen to the fast track welcome to ccf fast track peter thank you for that message you mentioned the formula kfc which is to have god's blessing you need to know god's will and do it god's way and then claim god's blessing how do we confirm if something is really god's will god's way in god's time to be blessed the reality is all of this is biblically based god's will will never contradict his word god's way will never contradict god's will god's word the only thing that you do not know is the timing when how long so the idea is to keep on trusting god keep on claiming his promises because god does not tell you when the promise will come or the blessings or the promise will be answered but something is sure the best is going to happen in your life if you follow the principles of knowing god's will following god's way and clinging on to his promise in fact there's an amazing promise in the bible in romans those who trust in the lord will never be disappointed it's an amazing promise thank you peter for that answer so may i ask you another question what would you advise a person living with a difficult or toxic individual who could actually be a source of danger or harm emotionally physically or mentally to that person this is where i believe it is important you seek counseling for us for me if the danger is not physical in other words it is not a death threatening situation only emotional abuse or verbal abuse then i would suggest don't live don't split because god will use those kind of challenges those kind of pain to mold your character do you recall what first peter chapter 3 says it says by your respectful behavior you will win the unbelieving husband to the lord it is the power of the silent witness thank you for that what if after listening to your message a person realizes that they are the difficult or toxic person in the relationship how can they change what can they do the secret of growing spiritually is humility once you realize you are the difficult person instead of trying to prove yourself instead of trying to blame others you just humble yourself before god and say lord i need to grow the truth is all of us need to grow none of us have arrived so that should be the attitude help me grow keep on improving and maybe we could apply what you've advised before you can ask your family members or those in relationship with you how can i improve and what is it really like living with me you know that is a very good question to us family members ask them from the heart what is it like living with me ask them to answer you'll be surprised and don't defend just listen perhaps the answer will be it's easy to live with you because you're predictably happy oh it's so hard to live with you because you are so unpredictable well listen and grow it's never too late to grow thank you very much peter for your answers and i pray that god has blessed you today [Music] the following are discussion questions based on the fast track questions number one how can you know what is god's way god's will and god's time number two how can you continue loving people who are a source of difficulty for you and lastly do you think you are a toxic person are you a difficult person how can you improve i hope you will take time to discuss these questions with your family members with your d group members remember these are all applicable to every stage of your life god bless thanks for watching we would like to invite you to be a christ-committed follower by being part of the movement as we honor god and obey his great commission to find out if there's a csef satellite near you log on to www.ccf.org.ph satellites we also want to encourage you to join a small discipleship group where you can deepen your knowledge and love for jesus and others to sign up log on to www.ccf.org.ph discipleship group all of csf's video resources are available free of charge and are constantly being improved by our team would you consider supporting ccf through prayer in giving so more people can be blessed you can give securely through our website at www.ccf.org for more videos like this please subscribe to our channel thanks and god bless

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Length: 56min 27sec (3387 seconds)

Published: Sat May 22 2021